~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM THE ADULT CHILDREN EDUCATIONAL FOUNDATION
COMPUTER BULLETIN BOARD - (703) 821-2925
THE FOLLOWING IS THE TEXT OF "RESOURCES FOR ADULT CHILDREN"
A booklet published by
Onion House
P O Box 26899
Phoenix, AZ 85068
------------------------
WHAT IS AN ADULT CHILD?
"Adult Child" carries a double meaning: the Adult who is trapped in the
fears and reactions of a Child, and the Child who was forced to be an Adult
without going through the natural stages that would result in a healthy
Adult.
In 1969, Canadian therapist Margaret Cork offered the first modern study
on the children of alcoholic families in "THE FORGOTTEN CHILDREN."
In New York City in 1977, a small group of Al-Anon members (see Glossary)
discovered they were all the children of alcoholics. They started the first
"Children of Alcoholics" meeting.
In the late 1970s, a New Jersey based therapist began working with a group
consisting of adults who had been raised in alcoholic homes. The result of
this group was the ground-breaking 1982 book "ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS"
by Janet Geringer-Woititz. In her book, Dr. Woititz describes the basic
characteristics of an Adult Child of Alcoholics. Her list consisted of
observations of the group of ACAs she facilitated. Her "List of
Characteristics" and the "Laundry List," used in the New York COA meetings,
found their way to other parts of the country to be modified and eventually
emerge at the 1984 ACA CSB/IWSO Business Conference as "The Problem" --
"The Problem"
Many of us found that we had several characteristics in
common as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic household.
We had come to feel isolated, uneasy with other people, and
especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people
pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the
same, we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat.
We either became alcoholics ourselves or married them or
both. Failing that, we found another compulsive personality, such as a
workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment.
We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an
over-developed sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with
others rather than ourselves. We somehow got guilt feelings when we stood
up for ourselves rather than giving in to others. Thus, we became reactors,
rather than actors, letting others take the initiative.
We were dependent personalities -- terrified of abandonment
-- willing to do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order not to
be abandoned emotionally. Yet we kept choosing insecure relationships
because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic parents.
These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism made us
"co-victims" -- those who take on the characteristics of the disease without
necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as
children and kept them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning,
we confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue. Even
more self defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs,
preferring constant upset to workable relationships.
This is a description, not an indictment.
Healthy children are not the result of a "perfect childhood," but are the
result of a family system that has reasonable and consistent rules, that has
a foundation of trust and appropriate responses to the breaking of those
rules. Punishment in a healthy family does not involve physical or
emotional scars, are not out of proportion of the offense.
Adult Children most often come from homes where rules are subject to the
whim of the person in the room at the time. We may have been ordered to do
one thing by father, forbidden to do the same thing by mother, told to do it
differently by a grandparent and ridiculed for doing it (or not doing it) by
an uncle or "friend of the family." As a result an Adult Child grows up
"knowing" he or she can never do anything right -- that they are somehow
defective.
In a healthy home the parents are loving authority figures who make their
likes and dislikes understood, freely express their needs and feelings, are
allowed to openly disagree, and to not be perfect -- all without threatening
the underlying trust and love that are the consistent resource for the
family. A healthy parent can make a mistake and it is not traumatic for the
children, but a demonstration of the freedom and honesty of a healthy
family. Healthy children learn their parents are human and are not perfect,
and the child learns he/she is not expected to be perfect, but to do the
best they can do. Children learn they can make mistakes, are expected to
make amends for any damage caused and then to learn from the experience.
In a dysfunctional home, the parents are authorities whose word and actions
cannot be questions. In the face of blatant wrong information or wrong
actions, the Adult Child learns that his/her own wants, needs and safety are
less important than supporting the family system. Independence, which is
allowed in healthy families within reasonable boundaries, is a threat to the
authority of the dysfunctional parents. Adult Children learn to become used
to comments like "Who do you think you are?" "You'll never amount to
anything," and "What makes you think you're so great."
Adult Children learn not to exceed their parent's level of competence. They
learn that it is dangerous to be a better student, to make more money, to
have a saner family or to win recognition. The dysfunctional parent takes
such successes as threats -- that they are "less than." The Adult Child may
not be aware of the self sabotage they apply to their own lives and wonder
at their inability to achieve success.
As a child the Adult Child learns to behave in whatever way allowed them to
survive. Behavior can range from defiance of authority (the romantic image
of the "rebel") or by suppressing their own needs and attending to the needs
of the people who continue to represent their parents in their lives.
Children carry their early perceptions of family rules with them as they
grow into their teens and adulthood. While living in a dysfunctional
family, the warped foundation may continue to function well enough to permit
the illusion of a functional family. Virtually all dysfunctional family
systems, however, are in a slow downward spiral, requiring more and more
energy to defend the "official" realities of the family in the face of
mounting evidence.
When the child of a dysfunctional family begins to enter the "real world" --
schools and the workplace -- they discover their family system is not the
reality shared by their classmates and co-workers. Many Adult Children
become loners or form tight, unhealthy relationships with other children of
Dysfunctional homes. These relationships actually re-enforce their
dysfunctional view of the world by "finding another person who really
understands." The tightness of the bonds created in these relationships is
accented by the Adult Child's lack of an individual sense of of identity --
they do not yet know where they stop and someone else begins. As a result
they are unable to define their limits and begin to take on other people's
opinions, defects and needs.
If the Adult Child is able to form lasting friendships (some never do), it
is usually with other Adult Children who provide familiar characteristics
similar to the family's dysfunction. Adult Children can be very slow to
recognize the patterns of family problems -- they spent their lives being
trained by the family to not see the problem -- even when they are re-
created in friendships, marriages and work relationships. While the outward
symptom of the dysfunction may be missing (the bottle, the gambling debts,
the violence, etc.), the behavior is present early in the relationship.
When the behavior blossoms into full dysfunction, the Adult Child is often
one of the last to notice and feels very betrayed ("I never knew he
drank...", "My God, she's just like my Mother!")
At the point of awareness the Adult Child can easily retreat into depression
and feel defective -- "What's wrong with me? Why didn't I see it before..."
The lack of skills necessary for nurturing themselves can leave the Adult
Child with intense self-hate and low (or non-existent) self-esteem.
TYPES OF ADULT CHILDREN
Most books published on the subject of Adult Children agree that certain
personality types are common in dysfunctional families. Some of the books
call the types by different names and not all of the types are found in
every book.
Some of the personality types are:
FAMILY HERO - An achiever, usually (but not always) the oldest child. Often
a workaholic who can identify other's needs and meet them, but is without an
understanding of their own needs. This is often a child who uses their
success to find a sense of belonging -- the one who shows the family is "all
right," but who is unable to feel the benefit of his/her achievements. They
feel like a fraud and are subject to depressions which they hide from those
around them.
THE RESCUER - Similar to the Family Hero, but without the visible success.
The Rescuer finds those in needs, lets them move in or marries them or finds
a job for them while supply other needs and is very understanding of the
frequent betrayals. The rescuer has a deep seated self-hate that drives
them to their role as a savior, because they know that anyone not already at
the bottom of the barrel would have nothing to do with them. They tend to
feel inadequate in their giving and unable to accept help for their own
needs.
THE MASCOT - Often a younger child who uses humor or other distracting
behavior, such as being exceptional clumsy or always in trouble, to take the
focus of the family away from the problems of the family dysfunction. If the
parent is violently drunk, the Mascot may take the abuse to "save" the rest
of the family, or may be able to crack a joke at the necessary moment to
take everyone's mind off the pain of their reality.
THE ADJUSTER - The one who is never bothered by what is happening; there is
no reason to be excited because everyone had to lie with family problems.
The child never becomes too attached to goal or a desire because they have
learned to change their direction at any moment. They float, knowing
something is wrong but coping, often successfully, with one chaotic
situation after another by surrendering their identity to the needs of the
moment.
THE DOORMAT - The abused child who survives by lying down and letting others
walk all over him/her, rather than risk an unpleasant or dangerous
confrontation. This child is very understanding of the need someone else
may have to injure him/her, but cannot identify his/her feelings about the
abuse in the past or present.
THE ACTING OUT CHILD or THE REBEL - This child is in action at the slightest
provocation, whether as an heroic action to prevent abuse to someone else
(by distracting the abuser) or to protect himself/herself with wildness.
This is the child who is most visible to the outside world and who may adopt
alcoholism, drug addiction or other compulsive behavior early in defiance of
the family system.
THE SCAPEGOAT or FAMILY JERK - This child takes the blame and shame for the
actions of other family members by being the most visibly dysfunctional.
This child serves the family by being sick or crazy to allow the other
members of the family to ignore their own dysfunction. This is also the
child who holds the family together -- the family rallies to help the family
jerk. He/She learns to remain dysfunctional to continue receiving the
little attention available in a dysfunctional home by making the family
"okay" by being the focus of all that is "not okay" which all members of the
family vaguely sense.
THE BULLY - This child is usually the victim of physical, sexual and/or
emotional abuse, who successfully makes the mental transition to stop being
the victim by victimizing others. Often the Bully is genuinely remorseful
for the pain and suffering caused to others, but will continue inflicting
that abuse rather than face his/her own pain.
THE LOST CHILD - Often a younger (or the youngest) child, this personality
type has learned to stay out of the way, not make his/her wants known and to
expect nothing. They avoid feeling by denying that they have feelings. They
adopt whatever behavior will allow them to stay invisible within the family,
at work, at school or in a relationship. This is the child who can assume
whatever personality those around him/her find least threatening.
THE LAST HOPE - Similar to the Lost Child, the Last Hope is the caretaker
for the family when all other members have become unable to continue their
roles. Often the Last Child is raised on comments like "You'll never hurt
me like so-and-so." These children may work themselves to death trying to
do "what's right" for blood relations or adopted families, no matter what
the expense to their own life.
Each of the personality types has special needs in Recovery, and each type
can recover if they are willing to take the risk in believing they can
change and heal.
Because the personalities of the family are mangled, the character traits of
the children can be equally blurred. An Adult Child may have several of the
above characteristics at one time, or may play a different role within the
family at different ages or depending on who they are responding to.
THE GOOD NEWS
After reading this far, you may question if any Recovery is possible.
The answer is a resounding YES. The ACA Central Service Board and Interim
World Service organization issues a form of "The Solution" as an offering of
shared experience, strength and hope in the experience of Recovery --
"The Solution"
The Solution is to become your own loving parent.
As ACA becomes a safe place for you, you will find the
freedom to express all the hurts and fears you have kept inside and to free
yourself from the shame and blame that are carryovers from the past. You
will become an adult who is imprisoned no longer by childhood reactions.
You will recovery the child within you, learning to accept and love
yourself.
The healing begins when we risk moving out of isolation.
Feelings and buried memories will return. By gradually releasing the burden
of unexpressed grief, we slowly move out of the past. We learn to reparent
ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect.
This process allows us to see our biological parents as the
instruments of our existence. Our actual parent is a Higher Power whom some
of us choose to call God. Although we had alcoholic parents, our Higher
Power gave us the 12 Steps of Recovery.
This is the action and work that heals us; we use the Steps:
we use the meetings; we use the telephone. We share our experience,
strength and hope with each other. We learn to restructure our sick thinking
one day at a time. When we release our parents from responsibility for our
actions today, we become free to make healthful decisions as actors, not
reactors. We progress from hurting to healing to helping. We awaken to a
sense of wholeness we never knew was possible.
By attending these meetings on a regular basis, you will
come to see parental alcoholism for what it is: a disease that infected you
as a child and continues to affect you as an adult. You will learn to keep
the focus on yourself in the here and now. You will take responsibility for
your own life and supply your own parenting.
You will not do this alone. Look around you and you will
see others who know how you feel. We will love and encourage you no matter
what. We ask you to accept us just as we accept you.
This is a spiritual program based on action coming from
love. We are sure that as the love grows inside you, you will see beautiful
changes in all your relationships, especially with God, yourself and your
parents.
Like The Problem, many forms of The Solution are in use, edited by local
groups. All of them are attempts to share the variety of Recovery
experiences.
The personal Recovery of tens of thousands of Adult Children attest to the
fact that no matter how damaged or lost you may feel, you can heal!
In the 12-Step groups around the country every night hundreds of Adult
Children share Recovery from shame, guilt and the burden of hopelessness.
Many Adult Children say they have a problem coming into the Recovery process
because they believed they were damaged beyond repair. Some Adult Children
actually develop an investment in staying dysfunctional simply because the
pain, no matter how great, is less threatening than the unknown of becoming
a healthy adult. They report that their breakthrough came when they
understood that they were not broken, but injured and they could heal.
The most difficult thing for many Adult Children to realize is there is no
single answer that fits everyone. You are special. You are one of the
children who was born magic and now has the opportunity to find that magic
again. As an Adult Child who beings showing up at 12-Step Groups or
Therapies to discover his/her own Recovery process, you learn to identify
your own needs. Some of these needs may be similar to those expressed by
other Adult Children, but in the important, one-of-a-kind combination that
is uniquely you. This special combination is the key to becoming the
healing, healthy and loving Adult you can become.
THE INNER CHILD
One very successful form of Recovery for Adult Children involves
acknowledging the existence of an Inner Child. The child who was small,
lost and without hope never really went away, but "froze" to protect the
special seed all children carry. Recovering Adult Children can find that
Inner Child and resume the process of nurturing to allow him/her to complete
the job of growing into a healthy Adult.
By viewing the damaged part of ourselves as the Inner Child, we create a
model of Recovery based on healing a lost, frightened and lonely child, at
whatever age (or ages) he/she froze in favor of simple survival. We can
then use the model to nurture that Inner Child with the love and support
he/she needs to complete the job of growing into a happy, functional, loving
Adult.
In dealing with the Inner Child it is important to know that this part of
you will respond as a child. This does not necessarily mean tantrums but
means that we re-experience our feelings the way a child feels. A child
does not understand time and each feeling fills up the whole universe and is
eternal. If it is a bad feeling, the Child will feel that we are going to
feel bad forever. If it is good, it is supposed to be good forever.
A child's sense of fear fills that child's universe and to experience as a
grown person can be upsetting. To understand the fear, try to remember that
the Child froze when grow-ups were many times his/her size. For you to know
that fear would be the same as going home to find an angry eighteen foot
tall giant waiting for you and never knowing if it was going to attack!
The Child within will probably be afraid of the Adult you have become --
every Adult he/she knew before freezing was hurtful or would betray them.
You will have to earn the respect of your Inner Child That respect is
earned by actually taking the actions that are good for you, and that
respect is actually the beginning of self-respect.
The Inner Child had a job to do, and he/she has done it well. The did what
was necessary for you to survive. One of those jobs was to hold memories
that you would not be able to handle. When you approach the Inner Child,
you will usually find that memories will return. There may be times the
memories return in a flood, but this is usually a tactic to overwhelm you
with the sheer number of memories, which serves to prevent you from looking
at any one of them. You may not even handle the memories perfectly, but in
Recovery you do have the permission to be imperfect. You do the best you
can do and, slowly, learn to reparent yourself.
COMPULSIONS and CO-DEPENDENCY
As they work through the personal process of Recovery, the Adult Child will
face their own issues. The most visible will probably be those tied to the
family and the behavior that was available to learn.
You may find you have learned compulsions from one or both parents. If your
parents drank or used substances to numb themselves, you have a greater
chance of becoming an alcoholic or addict, or you may transfer the
compulsive behavior into another area -- food, gambling, house cleaning,
taking up lost causes (or people), etc.
You may find your have co-dependent problems. You may find you have chosen
"friends" that only call you when they are in trouble, but are never
available to you when you are in need. You may have surrounded yourself by
people who have come to expect an unending stream of support for their
behavior, particularly when they cannot find anyone else to provide that
support. You may feel unable to uncover your own needs, or feel who you are
outside the roles placed on you by other people.
There are other problems that may be encountered in Recovery that are the
Adult Child's problem completely independent of the family, such as:
Addiction (Drugs or Behaviors)
Alcoholism
Child Abuse/Incest (both Victim and Perpetrator)
Co-Dependency
Compulsive Over-or Under-eating or Vomiting
Compulsive Gambling
Compulsive Violence (both Victim and Perpetrator)
Depression
Diabetes/Hypoglycemia
Fanaticism (religious or political)
High Blood Pressure
Poor Health Habits
Sexual Compulsion
It is important that each problem be dealt with or the Recovery can freeze
and a new way to be sick may take over.
WHAT ABOUT THERAPY?
Many Counselors, Therapists and Psychologists have been
valuable to many Adult Children in the process of Recovery. Almost all of
the books published on the subject of Adult Children were written by mental
health professionals.
Finding a therapist presents a few problems, but problems that can usually
be overcome.
Adult Children often learned to deny or simply not understand their own
needs. This makes it difficult to recognize or admit that they need help.
As the "one who helps others" one will find a large concentration of Adult
Children in the "helping" professions -- psychiatrists, psychologists,
counselors, medical professionals, teachers, police, military, fire
departments and clergy.
Trust is a central issue for Adult Children, and trusting the therapist who
is going to assist you in facing your oldest fears and discovering your
humanity requires trust. It can be very helpful to have a therapist who has
identified and successfully dealt with their own Adult Child issues. This
type of therapist can have a special value as you progress through Recovery.
Some therapists have used their work to re-create their dysfunctional
family, but changing the script so that they are now the authority who
cannot be questioned. They often begin with medication to keep the patient
quiet, rather than listening to what is going on. The value of such a
therapist for an Adult Child can be very limited.
This is not to place you in judgement of therapists, but to allow you some
guidelines to find a therapist who truly understands how you feel and who be
of greater value to your personal process. You do not need to learn the
details of his/her story, but it is appropriate to ask if they have any
special training (which is now available) to address the issues of Adult
Children and to make your needs known.
A COMMITMENT TO RECOVERY
As the process of Recovery continues, you can come to believe that you are
more than defects, dysfunctional and damaged -- you can come to value
yourself as the growing and loving adult you can be.
You are not alone. Others have shared parts of your story, felt the fears
and pains, and they each began their Recovery when they became willing to
accept the idea they could Recover. They took the risk of believing that
something good could happen in their lives. They took the chance and invite
you to take the same first steps -- attend some of the 12-Step meetings to
find some that suit your needs, or seek an appropriate therapist.
As you continue your Recovery, you find it easier to commit to the process -
- to heal and grow, no matter what! The rewards of Recovery make it easier
to Recover. No matter what memories return, no matter what feelings you
must process, no matter WHAT, your Recovery will go on.
You are invited to join the thousands already in Recovery.
And keep coming back...
IT WORKS!
HOW TO FIND OUT MORE
MAIL ORDER BOOKSELLERS
Some of the books listed can be found in local book stores. These mail
order sources offer an excellent selection of books, and both offer
discounts for groups. Write for a free catalog.
(Bulletin Board Editors Note: See Bulletins 31 through 50 for information on
ordering books and tapes of interest to Adult Children from Recovery Books &
Tapes)
Thomas W. Perrin, Inc.
P O Box 423
Rutherford, NJ 07070
Recovery Books, Inc.
1538 Westmoreland St
McLean, VA 22101
PUBLISHERS
These publishers also sell books. Write for a catalog or book list.
Hazelden Educational Materials
Pleasant Valley Rd.
P O Box 176
Center City, MN 55012-1076
Health Communications
1721 Blount Suite 1
Pompano Beach, FL 33069
PUBLICATIONS
These are magazines and newsletters of interest to Adult Children.
CHANGES
Health Communications
1721 Blount Suite 1
Pompano Beach, FL 33069
COA REVIEW
Thomas W. Perrin, Inc.
P O Box 423
Rutherford, NJ 07070
COM LINE
Adult Children of Alcoholics CSB/IWSO
Central Service Board/Interim World Service Organization
P O Box 3216
Torrance, CA 90505
HARMONY
Onion House
P O Box 26899
Phoenix, AZ 85068
NETWORK
National Association for Children of Alcoholics
NACoA
31706 Coast Hwy
South Laguna, CA 92677
RE-PARENTING
Adult Children Educational Foundation
1538 Westmoreland St
McLean, VA 22101
ORGANIZATIONS
National Association for Children of Alcoholics
NACoA
31706 Coast Hwy
South Laguna, CA 92677
Adult Children's Educational Foundation
P O Box 545
McLean, VA 22101
TWELVE STEP GROUPS
Adult Children of Alcoholics CSB/IWSO
Central Service Board/Interim World Service Organization
P O Box 3216
Torrance, CA 90505
Al-Anon Family Groups
World Service Organization
P O Box 862 - Midtown Station
New York, NY 10018-0862
Al-Anon was the original host for Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings
and still lists over 700 groups nationwide.
OTHER 12-STEP GROUPS
Check your local phone book for listings of some of the following 12-Step
Recovery groups. The local telephone directories usually list Alcoholics
Anonymous or Al-Anon Family Groups, and those service offices may have
information on other 12-Step organizations in your area. Over 120 Anonymous
organizations are known to exist. Some of the more widely established are:
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
COCAINE ANONYMOUS
DEBTORS ANONYMOUS
EMOTIONAL HEALTH ANONYMOUS
EMOTIONS ANONYMOUS
GAMBLERS ANONYMOUS
INCEST SURVIVORS ANONYMOUS
NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS
OVEREATERS ANONYMOUS
SMOKERS ANONYMOUS
BOOKS
The following list is not an "OFFICIAL" or "APPROVED" list of reading, but
material that can assist in your personal process of Recovery. You may
find additional books that are valuable to your Recovery.
To avoid confusion, these books are divided into three sections:
A) General
B) Adult Children, and
C) 12-Step Recovery.
A few suggestions:
AVOID BEING OVERWHELMED. There are a lot of books and all of the ones
listed have been valuable in the Recovery of Adult Children. But you can
really only get value from one or two at a time. You don't have to do it
all RIGHT NOW -- you have the time to start with one, move on to another and
so on.
If you are the child of alcoholics, you may want to start with ADULT
CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS by Janet Woititz, or IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO ME by
Claudia Black.
If you are the child of a dysfunctional family, you may want to start with
HEALING THE CHILD WITHIN by Charles Whitfield.
Above all, remember that you always retain the right to
TAKE WHAT YOU NEED AND LEAVE THE REST!
BOOKS (General)
DRAMA OF THE GIFTED CHILD by Alice Miller (Also published as PRISONER OF
CHILDHOOD)
FOR YOUR OWN GOOD by Alice Miller
HEALING THE CHILD WITHIN by Charles Whitfield
INNER CHILD OF YOUR PAST by Hugh Miseldine
SELF PARENTING by John K. Pollard, III
THOU SHALT NOT BE AWARE by Alice Miller
WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH by Robin Norwood
WHACK ON THE SIDE OF THE HEAD by Roger Von Oech
BOOKS (Adult Children)
ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS by Janet Geringer-Woititz
ANOTHER CHANCE by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse.
CHOICEMAKING by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse.
CO-ALCOHOLICS/PARA-ALCOHOLIC: Who's Who and What's the Difference by
Jael Greenleaf
CO-DEPENDENCY by Janet Geringer-Woititz
GUIDE TO RECOVERY by Julie Bowden and Herbert Gravitz
HANDBOOK FOR ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS by Herbert Gravitz
MY DAD LOVES ME, (My Dad has a Disease) by Claudia Black
IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO ME by Claudia Black
REPEAT AFTER ME by Claudia Black
FAMILY SECRETS by Rachael V.
BOOKS (12-Step Recovery)
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (The "BIG BOOK")
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS
These two are available through most Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and
through mail order sources.
AL-ANON'S TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS
This book is available through most Al-Anon Meetings.
12-STEPS FOR ADULT CHILDREN
12-STEPS FOR EVERYONE
12-STEPS TO HAPPINESS
THE WINNER'S WAY
These books are available through most mail order sources.
GLOSSARY
These are not the "Official" definitions, but statements of how the words
are understood by most of the fellowship.
AA- Alcoholics Anonymous. The first of the first 12-Step Programs, founded
in 1935.
ACA/ACOA - Adult Children of Alcoholics.
ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS -- An independent 12-Step Recovery group formed
in 1984, founded on the Steps and Traditions of AA, established for anyone
who "identifies with "The Problem."
AL-ANON FAMILY GROUPS - A 12-Step organization formed in 1953 and founded on
the Steps and Traditions of AA, for the purpose of offering Recovery to
"anyone effected by someone else's drinking."
DENIAL - the system of belief that once allowed us to function, but now
prevents us from admitting, experiencing and releasing our pain, and
preventing us from leading happy, healthy lives as whole persons secure in
our identity.
MEETING - A regularly schedule gathering of Adult Children, usually weekly,
that follows the formats and traditions for a Twelve Step Anonymous Program.
NOTE: Meetings may be held in churches, hospitals, etc., but ACA 12-Step
Meetings are not affiliated with any group, denomination, business,
political entity or other organization.
PROGRAM - usually referred to by 12-Step group members, the Program is
usually the personal mix of 12-Step meetings, phone calls, writing and
continual exercise of the simple principles in the Twelve Steps that lead to
the individual's successfully releasing the pain of the past and the growing
sense of well-being, comfort and response to "life on life's terms".
RECOVERY - a word referring to the personal process of discovery, release
and change in the lives of the individual, whether recovering from addiction
to substances, sick relationships, overwork, compulsion or other
dysfunction. Generally, Recovery (with a capital "R") refers to the results
of the 12-Step Program and self-help support groups that follow that method.
THE TWELVE STEPS - A system of recovery evolving through the Oxford Groups
of the 19th Century, broadened and deepened by the founders of AA in 1935.
Adopted by Al-Anon in 1953 and by ACA in 1984. Variations in these steps
are used by over 100 other anonymous Recovery groups.
THE TWELVE TRADITIONS - A "12-Step" group usually follows the "Twelve
Traditions", also originated by AA to guide the service structure for the
autonomous meeting.
THANK YOU ...
to the many people who made this booklet possible. Special thanks to Lorn B.
and Christian D. for their continuing work and support to bring this booklet
to you. Also thanks to the many members of Twelve Step Anonymous programs
for Adult Children who made suggestions or recommendations that are included
in this book. Thanks to Vicky from Al-Anon, Carol B, Whitey B, Carol C, Jim
C, Barbara D, Bob E, Jack E, Rhoda G, Libbe H, Michael H, Flo J, Earl M,
Bob P, Gladys P, Peter P, Mike R, Jessica S, Marty S, Tom S, Alan W and
Patricia W.
Also, thanks to the professionals whose pioneering work and continuing
support of our joint recovery have had their effects; Claudia Black, Julie
Bowden, Herbert Gravitz, Jael Greenleaf, Jerry Meyers, Tom Perrin, Gary
Seidler, and Ray Walsh.
"THE PROBLEM" (C) 1984 by ACA CSB/IWSO
"THE SOLUTION" (C) 1986 by ACA CSB/IWSO
FIRST EDITION PUBLISHED OCTOBER 1987
RESOURCES FOR ADULT CHILDREN
(C) 1987 Onion House. All Rights Reserved.
P O Box 26899
Phoenix, AZ 85068
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COA ROLES
~~~~~~~~~
Several years ago, COA therapist and author Sharon Wegscheider outlined a
set of four COA "family roles:" the family "hero", "scapegoat", "mascot",
and "lost child." In the Twelve-Step ACOA groups there has been intense
interest in these roles: they evoke a great deal of identification from many
of us; they tend to underscore and validate many of the experiences and
feelings we have lived through.
They have also brought up significant questions and problems. A whole new
gospel is being manufactured around Sharon's findings. (She has said
repeatedly that roles are not definitions of a person; she has described
herself, for example, as looking like a "hero" when she appears in public,
but like a "lost child" when she is alone in a group of strangers.) There
has appeared a plethora of charts and box diagrams on the ACOA literature
tables, dissecting us and purporting to show just how each "type" of COA
supposedly acts, thinks and feels. Some COAs "diagnose" themselves
accordingly as being one role or the other, and from that constricted
vantage point they mentally punish themselves for anything they ever do,
think or feel that reminds them of it. The back door has been opened to
whatever we had when growing up; it's as if we'd been told to walk only on
the other side of the exact same street that we've been forced to walk or
whole life. It is stimulating for a while, but as it becomes evident that we
have escaped from one confinement into another one, the hope raised by the
new discovery runs out rather quickly.
It is not too surprising that our tendency to become lost in roles has its
roots in our childhood conditioning--the massive, lurching instability over
which we had no control, which often hung over us like a death threat (and
sometimes actually was one); the relentless stifling of our attempts to
express or explore what we were about on our own terms. The quality in
children which often is mistakenly called "idealism" is really the assertion
of a vital hunger for the world to make some sense. When that sense is
violated, a child will re-orient herself of himself by any available means.
If the violations are erratic and recurrent, the child usually becomes more
willing to assume the blame than to disbelieve in the competence and good
will of the parent(s); the urgency of these needs naturally increases when
the child's self-certainty is attacked. The violent power of this cycle is
cumulative. Emotional defenses are faster and stronger than the conscious
mind, and in time the child becomes devoted to pain avoidance: we begin to
gauge ourselves by how well we control and placate our parents, by how well
we prop up their lives and self-image while our own are going to hell. To
keep sanity, we reflect our emotional enslavement inward to our thoughts and
feelings, adopting rigid, orthodox, relentlessly demanding ideologies and
outlooks on life based on compulsory denial of what's going on in the
family.
We take out of the home a perfect inner replica of the chaos of the
alcoholic family, and we find that our key fits other similar locks
everywhere we go. Marriages, friendships, jobs--all are conceived and
"handled" by framing ourselves in roles of one kind or another, because we
have deeply accepted the unacceptability of our true selves and have locked
ourselves away, out of sight and out of touch. Thus there are as many COA
roles as there are COAs and situations of fear and unmanageability, but all
have their roots in common. Our need for recovery is indivisible.
from A N.Y. COA - February, 1987
(End of File)