Were I am and Where I Want to Be

All I ever wanted in life was to be a good husband and father. I don't wish I was rich; I don't wish for anything more than to be the man I was meant to be.

Hi there! I am new at this, so please don’t be too hard on me if I say anything wrong or that might upset other readers.

I am 52 years young and my wife is 32. We have 11 children – one lives with us and three older ones live on their own. Four years ago, I was attacked at work by a disgruntled employee; I died twice from those injuries. My wife was the one who first found me unresponsive and not breathing; she called for help and the fire department were first on-scene.

I had been without air for just over ten minutes, but they were able to bring me back. I died a second time on the way to the hospital, but the paramedics were able to do their jobs and brought me back again.

When they first brought me back to life, I could see my wife and our children staring at me in complete shock. I tried to tell them that I was okay, but I could not say a word.

Demons of the Past Coming Back

For my wife, this was not the first time seeing a loved one pass away. She found her mom dead Christmas morning when she was just seven years old; she was in and out of foster homes her whole youth. She had the look of reliving the past and I knew I was going to be facing some hard times – I just didn’t know how hard.

Life for me – and for the lives of my family members – was quickly turned into a nightmare. I left the hospital in a wheelchair; they weren’t sure if I would ever walk again and I had lost my ability to speak. The doctor said it would take time to find out the extent of the brain damage I had suffered.

If that was not enough, eight of our children were taken from us…they said that I was unfit to parent. Now four years have gone by – with no help from anyone – and I am back to work once again. I am also suffering like I never have before. The bottom line is that I am a man who takes great pride in being a husband and a father. Without my family, I feel like I am going completely mad.

Loving an Addict is so Painful

My wife and I started taking drugs for pain…pain that hurts us both emotionally and physically. I thought that, in time, things would work out, but my wife is now a heroin addict. Everything I have worked so hard to get back these past four years for our family is quickly disappearing.

I really do love my wife – and I tell her this daily – but she is only getting worse. The one child we have left living here at home takes her side, defending her drug use. If I say anything wrong, they call the police and I’m the one who gets arrested.

I thought that, in time, things would work out, but my wife is now a heroin addict. Everything I have worked so hard to get back these past four years for our family is quickly disappearing.

At times I ask myself why I love her. My answer is that, before I was attacked, we had the world on a string. We faced barriers that were extremely difficult and, together, we made it through those hard times. At this present time, however, she goes out all night and our home now looks worse than a pig pen. I struggle just to put food on our table.

I have begged her to stop…but it means nothing to her. I feel like I mean even less to her. What can I do? I feel like I am having a breakdown. It is almost Christmas and this is the time of year when she really loses it. I don’t think I can face anymore of her crap – even though she is my everything.

Lessons Learned

I have never asked anyone for help – ever – but I guess that’s what I am asking for now. What I need is guidance. All I ever wanted in life was to be a good husband and father. I don’t wish I was rich; I don’t wish for anything more than to be the man I was meant to be.

I don’t believe in just walking away from the ones you love, either. I do believe that my life is being wasted as I sit waiting for her to turn back into the woman I fell in love with so long ago. Instead, I’m living with a shell of the woman I used to know; her spirit is gone and I am starting to accept that, I suppose.

In the end, we all want to find someone who is happy with what they have – not with what they wish they could have.

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