My journey of self discovery and recovery began May 18th, 2010, one month short of my 47th birthday. After 30 years of functional alcohol abuse I found myself 189 lbs at 5’7″, insulin resistant with out of control Psoriatic Arthritis. I looked absolutely terrible and I felt near death.
I spent several months beforehand trying to moderate my drinking; I failed miserably. I was completely panicked and felt defeated. I didn’t know I was powerless over booze. In fact, I still have a hard time believing I’m an alcoholic – even though I know the signs have been there since I was a 13-year-old girl.
Both of my parents are addicts; how could I not have known? It still blows me away the blind eye I turned on my own ridiculous behavior. It brings tears to my eyes to realize how far I have come. Thank God!
With some “how-to” help from the Internet, I decided to come clean with my general practitioner about my alcohol addiction. He prescribed Antabuse, which my husband gladly administered every morning before work. I had no idea what I was up against when I quit.
I seriously thought I was in the driver’s seat…when all the signs said otherwise. It’s amazing what we tell ourselves.
I’ve since learned so much about addictive behavior and retraining the brain. I would never have guessed the hold alcohol had on my life. I seriously thought I was in the driver’s seat…when all the signs said otherwise. It’s amazing what we tell ourselves.
I started going to meetings and absolutely hated them. Many of the people in attendance were not there of their own free will – they’d been court-ordered. That made a difference to me, so I found an addiction counselor. I realize now that going to counseling is helpful, but save your money if you’re not ready to do the work that’s required to heal.
So needless to say, I was sober from alcohol, but still exhibited dry drunk behaviors that only a drunk can understand. My husband and many of my friends just looked at me like I had a third eye, but were very happy I had quit drinking.
I had lost 30 lbs the first year I quit, my complexion cleared and I felt hopeful. I did not go to meetings, but I had several people to talk to outside of group support and a strong spiritual connection. I will say that I am NOT a religious person, but I have a relationship with God; thru my own beliefs I’ve been able to find the courage and strength to find sobriety.
Everyone has their own path to sobriety and there is no right way. It takes time to recover. It’s not as easy, but it is so incredibly worth it. Sobriety changes you and it changes your relationships…all for the better.
I feel complete and so happy to share the success I have found through sheer unwillingness to give up on myself. I am worth it, my kids are worth it and the man I adore is worth every damn miserable minute of it.
I know sobriety is worth the work.