My Chronic Pain Dilemma

I'm really struggling with the fact that I worked so hard to get clean and now I'm back on pain meds.

I am a chronic pain patient due to a variety of skeletal problems in my back. I was on Lortab for years, taking the pills during times of pain or injury. As my condition has worsened with age and weight, I rely on frequent and higher doses.

I later used Tramadol for a period of six months and actually went pain free most days. I was never actually prescribed the Tramadol; I had a large number of left over pills from a loved one who didn’t need them anymore.

Kicking the Habit…Almost

So problem number one was the guilt of taking pills that were not prescribed to me. However, it was so great to be free of pain that I just kept taking them. I wasn’t getting high; I simply had better mobility and felt happy. However, I reached a point where the guilt and shame were mentally unbearable. I wanted to get off the painkillers.

I did a somewhat quick taper to avoid withdrawal. Once the opiates ran their course within my body, I was in so much pain that I began taking Lortab again. I took 20 to 50mg a day for a duration of about 3 weeks.

In the past, I was able to make my script last for a month or two; this time I was taking twice the prescribed amount just to kill the pain. During my last five days of usage, I realized I was addicted and made a mental commitment that, once I was out, I would stay clean.

The Rubber Meets the Road

Once I ran out, I stayed positive. I tried all the homeopathic steps to curb the sudden withdrawal, but I was definitely struggling.

In the past, I was able to make my script last for a month or two; this time I was taking twice the prescribed amount just to kill the pain.

I made it two full days without anything – other than large amounts of ibuprofen, aspirin, vitamins and muscle relaxers specifically for pains. But 48 hours into the withdrawal process, my pain was so bad that I couldn’t sleep and or get any kind of relief. I went to the ER and they gave me a shot of strong painkillers and an anti-inflammatory.

It hurt to know that I couldn’t go three days without opiates, but the next day I resumed my homeopathic treatments and felt better. By day four, I actually felt pretty good. I had some strange brain feelings the night before, but woke up feeling like things were looking up.

I was doing a light amount of exercise, drinking tons of water, taking my vitamins…and then it happened. While bent over my bathroom medicine cabinet, my back went out and I couldn’t move. My husband had to come home and take me to the ER where I was again dosed with IV painkillers, anti-anxiety medications and anti-inflammatories.

Back to the Present Moment

One day post-ER visit, I feel totally defeated knowing I have to rely on Percocet to get through this latest injury. Is it okay to treat your pain during an injury if you’re afraid of becoming addicted? Will I go back through withdrawals even if I take the minimum dosage? I am so terrified of going back through that hell again.

I’m really struggling with the fact that I worked so hard to get clean and now I’m back on pain meds. Any words of encouragement would really help. I have no one to talk to. I feel ashamed and scared that I wont ever be off this shit if my body is experiencing chronic pain.

Please anyone, tell me something positive.

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