My story starts at age 5. I came from an upper class family who, from the outside, looked perfect. But behind closed doors, nothing could have been farther from the truth.
I was born to my mother late in life; she was 40 years old when I arrived. I had older siblings, all of whom were struggling with their own drug dependencies.
My older brother was a heroin addict and pedophile. He wasn’t stupid; he knew if he tried to mess with me, I would make noise. So he found a solution to the problem: Heroin
My brother began shooting me up with heroin at age 5. It continued until I was about 8 years old. To make a long story short, I spent the next 45 years battling my own drug addiction. How I lived through the rapes, beatings and dysfunction is still a mystery to me today. I personally give my higher power, God, all the credit.
Over the past 45 years, I developed a serious case of dissociative PTSD to accompany my dependencies. I wasn’t picky about the drugs I abused; my addictions included just about anything I could get my hands on. Though I have been addicted to them all, the one drug that took my soul was meth.
I wasn’t picky about the drugs I abused; my addictions included just about anything I could get my hands on. Though I have been addicted to them all, the one drug that took my soul was meth.
I entered an astonishing number of rehabs, detoxes, mental institutions and halfway houses, but none of them ever stuck. Why? Well, it’s because no one ever treated my PTSD. As soon as I would try to get clean, the PTSD would get worse. Once that happened, the only thing I could do to make myself “feel better” was self-medicate.
In August of 2015, I finally found a 90-day women’s program that also offered trauma therapy. I underwent EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and intensive drug addiction therapy. I am still clean today.
It’s only been 4 months, but I’ve never had 4 months in recovery. And by the grace of God, I’m able to continue on my journey – a process which now includes going to NA/AA meetings, intensive therapy and God.
If I could offer any words of wisdom to people who might be going through the same thing, I would say the following:
If I can go from living under a bridge to being an active and productive member of society, so can you. Find help and find recovery; your life depends on it.