Breaking up with an Ice Addict Girlfriend

Title says it all, I'm breaking up with an Addict, she has been on Ice for a long time. I have been with her since November last year, I found out about the Ice in April this year after we'd broken up for a couple of weeks and she confessed to me when we got back together.
She swore at the time she wanted to get off it and would try. Part of the problem is that she surrounded by so called friends who all smoke it. For a month or two she seemed to be trying but then she went back into her old ways and started again, her work suffered and she had to quit 2 jobs, now she's just plain lazy, she told me yesterday she would start work last night at a new place and then called me to say she was tired and wanted to sleep, this caused problems between us and she then said she was tired of me and we were over ....again.
This past week she has been really bad, borrowing money from me to pay for the Ice until the last couple of days and I refused point blank to lend her money as she was now smoking it 3-4 times a day in my house.
I can't believe the change in her these past 2 weeks. Her smoking has got out of control, she's not been sleeping a lot but is eating well. I did notice her eyes are yellow now and don't know if that's to do with the Ice or something else.
I'm the one that needs help now, she still shows me in some ways that she loves me, she tells me that too. But I can't go on with her in this state, there's no talking to her as all I get is that she does everything for me and I do nothing at all for her which is unbelievable considering what I do for her !!! But that is her attitude now although 2 weeks ago when we were talking and I told her she needs to change or we're finished ( and she agreed ) and I asked her what I needed to change about me, her exact words were "you don't need to change, you're perfect for me".
What to do, I not sure I want to lose her but I can't let her drag me down with her because that's the only place she's heading now.
More to the story if needed but it is long with 1 or 2 twists and surprises !
  • 36 Commentsby Likes|Date
  • Hey I can relate to your problem so well so many times I heard this is the last time I took it for two years and now I'm trying to cut ties with my ex boyfriend it's not easy and he's changed me as a person it's a shame as i love him so much but I can't let him drag me down nomore I had no choice but to leave sorry your going though this
  • @bubblegum... Welcome to the forum. I'm very sorry to hear about your girlfriend and her drug problem. There's no doubt that loving someone who struggles with addiction is one of the most challenging and painful things life can throw at someone. My heart goes out to you.

    I think one of the most important things you can remember is what Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach us about a loved one's addiction: "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it." It doesn't matter how much you want your loved one to change; if they don't want to take the action necessary to change, or if they simply don't want to change, they will stay stuck where they are. That's the painful reality.

    You have to put yourself at the top of your priority list. The bottom line is YOUR life matters, too. You deserve to be happy and healthy, both physically and emotionally. That is your right as a human being. So you should do whatever you have to do to in order to make that happen.

    I'm not necessarily telling you to leave your girlfriend. I'm just telling you that YOU are important, too. If she wants to get help, then you can be supportive and see how things go. But please don't allow yourself to become addicted to her addiction. If that happens, you will both suffer immensely. When someone you love struggles with this disease, you have to practice self-care. It's absolutely essential.

    We are here for you to lean on anytime you need us. We can give you advice, support, or just be good listeners if you need to vent. We will help you any way we can. 

    I'm sending you lots of positive energy and hope. And I will keep both you and your girlfriend in my thoughts and prayers. You are not alone.
  • Hi @bubblegum I know exactly how you feel I met my ex boyfriend four years ago he was an ex addict heroin and crack he had come out of rehab I met him fell in love I guess I believed in him then two years later he was acting strange I had no idea on an addicts behaviuor was all new to me finally after six months I realised what was going on feel silly for not knowing carried on thought I'd stop him reality was I couldn't I hate him for what he did and I won't forget or forgive easy for what I went through I've seen many things I wouldn't wish on anyone I guess I could say I got dragged into it I never used any drugs or anything I'm not that kind of person I used to drive around late at night looking for him never found him though used to drive me crazy I used to lend him money when he would scream at me saying he would kill himself or go and rob someone made me feel guilty so I did I gave in every time worn me down to someone I didn't want to be, once I deceived enough was enough I said no one day to lending him money so he text me saying he was cutting himself turned out this time he did I went charging round to his house the police were there he had cut his arms to pieces I cried he swore at me said get out said I didn't care I stayed then went in ambulance we got to hospital he swore at me asked for money I said no I needed it for a taxi he then left hospital and got drugs I don't know how wasn't my money he didn't care I was there or how I got home it was 1am in the morning even then I still forgave him looking back I went through hell I don't want to tell you to leave or to stay it's your descion im on day five of no contact and it's killing me but I have no choice I have my kids and a good job it's him or them so I have to stay away as hard as it is I hope in a few months il start to get over this sorry for the long post I could go on and on with the story's take care do what's best for you
  • @bubblegum well done thats great you got out when she came I'm on day 9 now still tough but I'm not turning back two days left of my hols then home to reality that's when it will be hard for me , I'm going try go to al anon this week there is no other meetings around where I live so that's all I got will try anyway hope I get in the door as I suffer with anxiety and panic attacks so scared about it
    Life's to short enjoy it is my attitude right now straight to the gym when I get back
  • @bubblegum hey there! thinking of you and wondering how you're doing... 

    here for you!
  • It's not easy is it eallen ? My head says to let her go, but even though I can't honestly say now that I love her I do still have very strong feelings for her and to be totally honest I couldn't say for sure that I wanted to finish it with her. 
    We're not in a Western country and getting rehab where we are is nigh on impossible or a bank loan is needed. There is a Narcotics Anonymous in our city and I am at this minute waiting for them to reply to me regarding help for her. The unfortunate part is that everyone tells me to leave her and that the only person that can help her is her and I not sure now she wants help ?
  • Thanks for that Dean. You may regret saying I can vent on here because there's so much more that I haven't said that's involved in this it's untrue.

    There was a councillor here who said he would help her, but he fell in love with her and started using Ice again himself to get her to his room for sex in return for Ice, luckily Karma can be a bitch sometime and he has recently been arrested for dealing and is currently in prison and looking at a long sentence.

    I understand what you're saying about putting me first and I agree. I would like to go no contact for a week or so to let us cool down but unfortunately there are reasons for us having to meet although I'm trying to work around that so we don't have to.

    The past 2 weeks have been difficult for me moneywise too because of some unexpected cash outgoings, partly due to her but not all so I have had to let my gym membership lapse so no working off the hurt and tension but hopefully in a few days that will be sorted.
    Anyone here know the possible cause of the yellow eyes ? It's a recent thing, is it down to her smoking the Ice or something else ?
  • As suspected it's all over now....Now I know its final I feel gutted....I tried to be fair...I tried to help.....Now I give up
  • @bubblegum... There's lots to read here. Just wanted to let you know that yellow eyes can be a sign of jaundice, which would be indicative of a malfunctioning or damaged liver.
  • @bubblegum  thank you for sharing. i can see that you are quite distressed... i do hope that you will make a decision to solely take care of you...and let her alone for now... 

    i found a lot of great help on youtube... if you can't get to a support group or counseling.... start watching youtube videos on codependency and nar-anon and al-anon.  can be of great help to you.... i know you want to  help her, but that's not your responsibility and she doesn't seem to want it.

    so focus on you. this may be challenging for you... maybe you like to focus on your partners... not sure, but maybe this is prompting you to take some time to focus on YOU.... 

    grieve the loss of her, but then move on. you don't have to live in such chaos...

    hope this helps.
  • @bubblegum there is a lot going on by what I have read unfortunely I learnt the hard way I stick around to long wish looking back I let go as soon as I knew but guess love is far to strong and somehow I always thought I would be able to stop him it took me two years to realise I never will
  • This is one mighty strange feeling I'm having now. Normally when a relationship goes wrong with me I feel no good for weeks, sometimes months, I felt gutted yesterday when I knew that it was all over but now I feel an almost surreal sense of relief ?. It's like I feel I should be sad and depressed but I almost feel relieved about it and that for me is very strange.
    It's like I tried hard to help her but very deep down I think I realised that we were going nowhere as a couple since I knew about the Ice use and maybe we were just using each other for our own means.
    Now all I can think of is the crap she gave me since I found out about the Ice, all the lies she told me. I've reread messages between us and I do feel like she's hurting now too. I do believe she loved / loves me but the lure of money and Ice will always trump a solid stable relationship which is what I was trying to give her. We had that at one stage but then other things happened and looking back now I know that the lack of ready cash was more than likely the cause of the ensuing problems.
    For the last month we ( mainly her ) had been talking about getting a house together and having her 7 year old son moving in. Now to me this was a definite no no. This kid is quite simply the most difficult child I've ever met and has no manners at all, when I've pointed this out to her she just came up with some lame excuse about it not being his fault ?.As i asked her when she suggested it "who looks after him when you're at work and I want to go out for a drink with friends ?". Her reply was " He's 7, he can take care of himself !". Hell he can't even tie his own shoelaces !  Even when she was talking about doing this all I was thinking was that there's absolutely no chance of that happening.
    I think back to the sleepless nights when she'd finish work and not message me and just go and smoke Ice and gamble with her friends. The abusive phone calls when she "knew" I had a lady here at my house. The insane jealousy on her part.
    Sure 2 weeks ago when we got back together after 2 weeks apart while she was with a customer and we got on well, it was lovely but then the Ice kicked back in again and I can see now the mood changes which I never saw at the time.
    I'm too old for this and to be honest I'm to good a person to keep getting dragged into stuff that quite simply is way beyond my knowledge. Everyone I have spoken with, friends, family help lines have all said the same DUMP HER AND DO NOT LET HER DRAG YOU DOWN TO HER LEVEL.
    I admit that yesterday when we finished I was gutted, I went out and had a few beers and I'll admit there were tears from me, but maybe now I can see they were probably tears of relief ?.I've slept on it and all I can say is that the light at the end of the tunnel is shining very very brightly now.
    People say she will be back, that I was her rock, her safety net ? I doubt that she will and even if she did I would be so suspicious of anything she said that I feel like I would be pushing her away before she tried to get back ?
    Now I need to keep busy, I have a small business to run here, I need to get back to the gym, I need to cut back on my smoking. I NEED TO GET MY LIFE BACK TOGETHER NOW AFTER THE TURMOIL OF THE PAST FEW MONTHS.
  • Yes you do stay strong maybe let go before it gets to far trust me I stayed far to long be I regret it now made it harder for me I'm on day 7 now and this is a great achievement for me just hope I can keep strong to continue I need my life back now and be someone I want to be
  • @eallen 7 days is great, one day at a time is all you can do and just try to resist any temptation to contact him.

    I've just got home from the gym, I enjoyed it and I have to say I like the feeling, it was also nice to not have to worry about rushing it or someone would be having a jealous episode !.

    It's now 3 days for me since I saw her, there have been messages but no actual talking. She told me yesterday that she's going away with a customer so that might be a week or 2 weeks ? Who knows ?. Last time she went with him it was a week and I blanked her for 4 days and on her first day away she sent me some insanely jealous abusive texts, ironic really considering what she was doing and who she was with ! A couple of days later she sent me nicer messages and the next day we actually messaged and talked nicely, somehow I can't see that happening this time !

    I am going to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting tomorrow, I phoned them up and asked if I could come and see what was on offer, you never know there may be someone there that may have some sound advice, it should be interesting if nothing else.
  • @bubblegum that's great doing stuff for you I'm going to start getting myself fit again and making changes for me one week done Just hope I stay strong enough when I get home
  • Starting day 4 now of not seeing her now and no proper messages ( Second day of total no contact ). Last night I slept for a solid 8 hours with the help of a prescribed sleeping pill from the hospital, I'm not keen on taking them but I am the sort that needs sleep to function.

    I've been looking around this forum and maybe I'm wrong but it does seem to me that the addict / user is the one that's usually pushing away the person that is trying to help them ?. Please correct me if I'm wrong there ?

    She should be away today on "holiday" with this customer ( the fat man ). Strange that it's now 4 weeks since she first went away, time flies. My biggest problem is that I have no social life here whatsoever, I'm in party town but due to cash problems I can't go out, plus I have no real friends here at all.

  • @bubblegum that's great doing stuff for you I'm going to start getting myself fit again and making changes for me one week done Just hope I stay strong enough when I get home yes that's right they seem to push you away when you try to help but I don't believe it's because they don't care just the addiction is far to powerful that's how I like to see it anyway I do believe he does love me I just couldn't save him from the drugs
  • @eallen I think you're right about the drug being so strong, here's part of an email I've just sent to a friend
    I was allowed out in the afternoon, they gave me injections to sleep there and said my blood pressure had been sky high ? ***** was with me and when we got back home I went in the bedroom and just cried, I didn't know what the hell was happening to me, she came in and cried too saying how she loved me and never wanted to leave me ever and we will be together always
    But the need for Ice obviously was too strong and only 2 weeks later she has left me.
    Off to the gym now, legs today !
  • Damn it. Was just nearing the end of the second full day of no contact when she messaged me about a bicycle she had bought for her son that she'd left at my house and she was wanted to collect it tomorrow morning.
    I just answered ok to her and deleted them.
    Do I have to reset the counter back to zero now ?
  • @bubblegum no guess not you could just leave it out for her to collect at least you won't need to see her then or you could drop
    It to her and leave outside maybe
  • @eallen
    She messaged to say she would be here soon so I left the gate open and got out for a couple of hours.
    You know what ? I'm missing her but I genuinely do not want to meet her. I won't say I'm happy but apart from some negative thoughts now and again I'm fine.
    I went to an NA meeting last night as an observer. Spoke to the organiser before and after. His off the record advice was simple,YOU CAN'T HELP HER, SHE NEEDS TO WANT TO GET HELP FIRST AND THE LONGER YOU TRY TO HELP THE MORE DAMAGE YOU WILL DO TO YOURSELF.
    He then said I needed to practice tough love with her. Leave her alone now and mean it.
  • @bubblegum... I'm glad you went to an NA meeting. That's a big step. Remember the "Three C's" of Nar-Anon and Al-Anon: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

    Your life is important, too. Don't forget that!
  • This isn't easy at all. It's now 10 days since she last left the house after writing  " I love you" and the date and her name on the back of a jigsaw she'd made and mounted ( excellent job she made of the jigsaw ).
    In that time I have made no first contact with her at all. There has been maybe 3 clear days of no contact, on the other days we have had to message because of business matters. It's always polite and no mention of the past or present, yesterday I had to visit her room mate to talk about something and I made a point of helping this room mate out a bit, hopefully that will get back that I did that and I am a nice guy ?  We actually had to speak on the phone and I could hear her voice, she sounded really pleased to hear my voice and it did feel good to hear hers.
    I really wish I could sit her down and try and help her get off the Ice. I said it before that when she's off it she's the sweetest girl I've ever met, I'd love that girl to come back but it's not going to happen is it due to this addiction.
  • @bubblegum hey there. thanks for the update. it's good for her to be away and hopefully she will begin recovery for herself at some point... for you..take some time to heal and nurture yourself.... even if she got clean now, she'd need a good bit of time to be single so she could work solely on her without anyone else in the picture.... but you cannot wait around... i know it's hard... that does stink, but i believe you deserve a healthy relationship with a sweet girl who is not in active addiction.... 

    we are here for you!
  • @dominica
    She's away with a paying customer ( She's a hooker, that's the only way to describe her ) the same customer as before and she told me when she was back last time that she takes the Ice with her to smoke. Simply because she says she needs it to go with the customers ?
    A full day of No Contact today and another good gym workout.
  • @bubblegum i understand... and good for you for detaching and getting on with your life.... have a  great workout!! and give yourself a pat on the back! :)
  • @bubblegum... Proud of you for detaching like you have. And it's good to go to the gym and work out. Self-care is incredibly important. Focus on YOU, my friend!
  • Well just an update in case anyone is interested.
    Towards the end of August she reached out to me, said she missed and loved me and thought about me all the time she was with the customer.
    We arranged to meet as she had told the customer she wanted to go and see her son but was going to stay with me.
    It was a disaster, I met her at her room and she'd been smoking again, we went to see her son and then came back to my house. She started off by being nice, loving, telling me how happy she was to see me and how good I looked.
    Back at my house she carried on smoking and she got worse and worse, not nasty but she was all over the place, she really was getting crazy, she was paranoid and was checking my phone, laptop and going through my bins checking for evidence of other ladies. She found nothing at all but that didn't stop the accusations.
    I hardly slept at all and she slept even less, she was constantly messaging the customer because in her words "I can't lose him to another lady as he pays me too well".
    The next morning he called and wanted her to go meet him to go drinking ( this customer drinks like a fish, gets absolutely drunk and expects her to do the same, I really do hate this man as he treats her like a navvy ), in the afternoon she came to see me as she wanted to go and buy us his and hers sunglasses ?. Then she went back to him after a smoke and a talk and they carried on drinking.
    The next day they were off again so he could go to work on the Monday, she didn't wake up until late but she came to see me and was crying because she thought I was going to finish with her.
    She came back to see me for the next 2 weekends and pretty much more of the same from her, the paranoia on her part was unbelievable.
    Then nearly 2 weeks ago it all exploded again. We arranged to meet for a drink, she turned up late as usual and then promptly took one look at me and how I was dressed and said you look good, you must have a new lady, I think we need finish ????. 2 minutes later we're fine again, that night she came to my house and again didn't sleep, she stayed the next day and night and again she didn't sleep. On the Monday night we had a big argument about the customer which ended with me saying that it's best we finish as I just can't do it anymore, she was crying and trying to convince me that he is a customer and she loves me alone.
    On the Tuesday morning she had to catch a bus at 5am to go back to the customer, now in the time she was here I'd seen all the messages between them, no love, no miss you, nothing except stickers, what you do, and a lot of food photos so I really did believe her when she said he was a customer and had no feelings for him at all.
    But I was tired, she was tired and while we were messaging to each other we both started getting angry, I was over the top jealous and said things that I probably shouldn't have said and she responded the same way.
    It ended with us both saying it's over and we finish.
    She sent me an SMS that afternoon asking me to take a bag of clothes back to her room and also tried to call but I didn't respond.
    She blocked me on Facebook while we were arguing and has probably blocked me on LINE as well. maybe even on her phone but I haven't tried calling her so I'm not sure there.
    So it's nearly 2 weeks of absolute no contact now, I do miss her and wish we could talk without the Ice kicking in but that seems impossible now. Her usage is getting worse from what I've seen when she was coming back here and that was the big stumbling block for me as well as my jealousy.
    So what to do now ? I'm doing the gym every day, I've been busy with work and I have been going out with friends and socialising and trying to keep busy, my sleep has suffered a bit though and there have been a couple of really bad days when I missed her a lot.
    Well, mini report over, I've glossed over certain things and missed out a lot of things to try and keep it shortish.
    Just got to keep going and doing the no contact, move forwards slowly on my own and get my own life in order so if she ever did want to see me again she'd see a better version of me that was there before and maybe she'd realise her mistake in not listening to me about the ICE.
    Doubtful but as people say, expect the unexpected !
  • The unexpected happened this afternoon......Her friend owed me money and came to my house to pay me, guess who was with her ?
    We smiled, asked each other how we were doing, I asked her half jokingly did she miss me and she smiled and said yes. I then said you can stay for a chat if you want but they had to go somewhere else and she said she may call back afterwards but didn't.
    It'd be nice to talk with her and see how she's doing and if she's still on the Ice all the time but I'm not running back after her now.
  • I'm glad you come in here to give updates, @bubblegum! My favorite part is this:
    "So what to do now ? I'm doing the gym every day, I've been busy with work and I have been going out with friends and socialising and trying to keep busy..."
    You and she are in my prayers...
    I'm sorry you had to run into here that way. Please keep yourself first!
  • @bubblegum  Thank you for the update. I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work out, but I am glad that you've had no contact for two weeks. This is just my personal opinion, but I would not look back. I know you care about her, but this is something that she has to come to terms with on her own. And that could take years or decades, no one knows.  Keep focusing on you and begin rebuilding your relationship with yourself, your higher power if you have one, and others. 

    I know you might not be able to see it right now, but there is hope for you to experience a very healthy relationship . the battle right now is in your mind, so do whatever you need to do to renew your mind .

    We're here to listen anytime.
  • @bubblegum... I echo what Dominica said. I think the experience you had during your recent contact shows that it's best for you to move on. And I'm extremely proud of you for not having any more contact for two weeks. I know it's probably not easy, but please realize that there is indeed a wonderful, healthy relationship waiting out there for you. And I know you will find it.

    Sending you big hugs and lots of loving, positive vibes. Take good care of yourself, my friend. Radical self-care is a wonderful thing.
  • Here's the weekly update.
    Last week on the Saturday, after turning up at my house unexpectedly she called me about 9pm. Could we meet for a drink, a game of pool and talk she asked ?
    So we met up. During our time at the bar she was constantly sending messages to her "customer" and eventually she asked what my plans were that night, I just replied that as she was messaging him all the time I would be leaving soon, she showed me the messages and said I'm telling him I want to sleep with my son so I can stay with you.
    We came back to my house, talked a lot and then made love. I have to say it all felt good, like we had that connection again.
    Then her friend called and wanted her to go and smoke Ice and I just said to her "Go".
    She went back with the customer the next day and off to his city. That was Sunday last week.
    Mon Tues and Weds this week there were lots of messages between us and the usual love you alone, not him, he's a customer messages but it didn't feel right so on Wednesday I just said to her to leave it until he was gone and there were no more messages. It didn't worry me, I went out that night and had a few beers and a laugh and a joke with some girls and came home alone.
    Thursday morning at 08.30 my doorbell is ringing. It's her. She had come down for her friends birthday the night before and wanted to surprise me ( check up on me to make sure no lady here ! ). She had told the customer she would be returning to him that morning on the bus but because she had seen I was alone she was staying now and would tell him she was staying with her son.
    Thursday we talked a lot.
    Friday we talked more and it got ugly, eventually I took her back to her room, during the talk she swore that she loved me only and he was a customer and I was better in every way than he was and she felt nothing for him. I took her to her room and just said call me when you not busy. Within an hour and a half she had called 3 times and came back to my house to see me quickly.
    Saturday there was no contact and today ( Sunday ) she will be off back to the customers city again.

    1st October now, I need to start new now.
    Her bottom teeth are looking like gaps are appearing, she also seems to be drinking whiskey more than ever. 
    I know I can't help her now, the fight for me to do that has gone from me. I am looking better than I've looked in years because of the gym and my head is clearing up too.
    I need to move on.
  • @bubblegum... Thanks for the update. It sounds like you had an emotional week. 

    I know it's not easy, but I think moving on is your best bet. You're right: You can't help her. She has to be the one to take the steps to get better. 

    Sending you lots of positive energy and strength. Take care of the one person you can take care of: YOU!
  • @dominica
    Thanks for asking.
    She messaged me this last Monday ( the 2nd ) and has completely changed her tune now. She said that it was ok now for me to go with other women as she wanted me happy ?? Coming from her who is quite possibly the most jealous person I have ever known and blew a gasket if I mentioned another woman had spoken to me I found it rather strange but didn't push it.
    She also said she still loved me but not 100% now, this was the day after she swore again that she still loved and missed me and would do anything for me ? Again I didn't push it and just said ok to her.
    Tuesday was no contact and on Wednesday there was a missed call from her.
    Thursday we were messaging a bit and I asked why she'd called me. Her reply was "I call you because I want see you" ? Again I never pushed it and never jumped on it as an opportunity to invite her over. Nothing since those messages earlier tonight.
    I'm just getting tired of it now, the mood changes are worse than they ever were when we were together and so many people have said to dump her and she will only get worse and I have to believe them, 2 friends I know worked at re-hab centres in the US and both have been mortified that I was still even in contact with her let alone wanting to be with her and have told me their feelings in no uncertain terms.
    My feeling now is that "I'm not in love with her, I'm in love with who she used to be" and that girl has long gone.
    There are a couple of other things that I've seen but I won't post it here.....yet. Let's just say that when I saw it I just felt sick.

  • @bubblegum... It sounds like you've been on a roller coaster of sorts because of her emotions and behavior. I'm sorry to hear that. I hope that things will become clearer for you going forward, one way or the other. I can only imagine how tiring what you're going through is.
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