Fixing to get in real trouble

Hello, new to the site I found it while feeling low down and desperate.

I just got off a five day bender, and it's the third time this year doing multiday, blackout drunken sprees. I'm thinking I could lose my job, (lucky my boss is also a good friend, but his patience likely won't last forever- he sent me a pretty mad text today) or worse, hurt myself or someone else. I'm a loose cannon in this state.

Likely will miss tomorrow too, as I am in the process of a nasty detox. Sweaty, shaky, vomiting earlier. Just pure misery. Worse than that is the cloud of guilt and shame.

I did manage to kick it for an entire two months, only to go back to moderate, then extreme drinking. I loved that feeling of being sober. I'm athletic and enjoyed very much riding my bicycles. Felt great.

Anyway thanks for letting me share my story. I'm going to quit altogether again- just hoping it will "take" this time around. I would like to post now and then, hoping by putting it all down, I can get a handle on this disease.
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  • Day 23. The week was without cravings. Tempted again on the way home from work, and again played the tape through. Did I really want to step off the cliff, get drunk tonight, wake up in the morning, miserable, with the only  sure "cure" being more drinks? Black out drunk mostly, winding up semi coherent  on Sunday night knowing that tomorrow I will be going to work a train wreck- or else calling off so I can continue drinking? Just thinking about it now, that I did that very thing three times this year, in fact going on multi work day benders, lying curled in bed  with a bottle of whiskey being both my savior (while the bottle lasted) and curse (the moment after I drained the last swallow) seems insane. Not only that- but the aftermath that lasted days, physically and worse, mentally replaying the awful things I had done.

    No, that didn't sound good at all! Instead ate a good dinner this evening and am planning out a sober, sane weekend. A cycling event coming up on the 10th of September that I need to maintain fitness for. Pets to be looked after- plants to water- clothes to launder, a book to read. Simple, sane things. GOOD things. There is much that life has to offer- and alcohol simply steals it away- leaving its abusers bereft and in peril,  poorer in spirit and finance.

    It helps quite a lot to write these things out. Seeing the truth staring right back at me from the screen. Fooling yourself is really the worse you can do.

    To those reading, have a great weekend, and I'll check in again next week- around Labor Day.
  • BTW Dominica, I really like your idea of "playing the tape through" that sounds brilliant.
  • Hey guys! Just popping in a bit early, had a  scare today.

    Been having heart palpitations the last few days. Today while @ work they got pretty bad, so much so I checked in to the emergency department (as it happens I work in a hospital in a non medical profession. Convenient.)

    They got me all wired up and aside from a high blood pressure reading everything was fine. Kind of like going to the mechanic and your car that was messing up the day before now purrs like a kitten. Have a follow up appt scheduled for tomorrow with my PCP.

    Anyhow have read about palpitations since- they can be brought on by stress, and alcohol use (among other things) they also recommend avoiding caffeine.. say it ain't so!! :-(

    There's another reason to stop drinking. Day 12 today DeanD, and other than this scare today, it's feeling darn good. Thank you Webster, for those words of strength. You guys are really the best. See you next weekend!  
  • @Robert13 congrats on 12 days! That's something to be proud of for sure. I'm glad that you're doing alright and that you're following up with your doctor. Heart palpitations can certainly be caused by stress . as you keep focusing on a healthy lifestyle, hopefully that will completely disappear. A lot of caffeine won't do you any good, but I don't think a couple of cups a day is harmful. Then again. I am not a doctor . 

    I'm glad you're feeling so well. And thank you so much for coming on the Forum and sharing. You give others Hope by sharing your testimony .
  • hi , everybody ! I signed up for this site a while ago but haven't posted so far , just have been reading the posts and comments .I decided to reply to Robert13 because he sounds like he needs all the support he can get in his struggle to beat the alcohol addiction .You will get over it ,don't look back to your old self , keep going and know that all good things take time.

    best of luck

  • Day 25, Sunday evening, sober and happy. Just a quick fly by. Thanks Changeyourself for posting, I appreciate it. Yes, alcoholism isn't a pretty picture for real.

    @Leaker, it felt great getting out on long training rides both days this weekend. They kicked my butt, however it was most satisfying feeling and seeing the results. It was miserable and windy, but hooked up with a group of riders and we all encouraged each other to see the ride through. Sort of like this place...Indeed, "Sir Drinksalot" wouldn't have even bothered.

    Until next time, take care all.
  • @Robert13 Congrats on 29 days! That's awesome and I'm so glad that you have been playing the tape through and that caused you not to pick up. Thank you so much for sharing too, because it helps other people who come here to read who are also struggling.

    Have a great weekend putting some miles on the bike!
  • Thirty seven days today. Got out last night for a group night bicycle ride outside of town- absolutely magical. Today went on a 5k walk sponsored by the "Y". around 800 people attended. Again, a really good time. Tomorrow is the bike race, the main event as it were.

    None of this would be possible saddled down with the booze. Have tasted freedom, and I like it! Will check in again around the end of the month. Thanks guys.
  • Well @Robert13 it is all good. We live and we learn. I can remember my drinking days. I would go a cfew weeks sober. And then another week long bender. So i know how you feel. I got to a month long bender also. I was a complete ass to everyone. 
        I went to treatment in a hospital. It was 30 days. Now they have rehabs then half way house to    bridge back to normal life. I cannot tell you if you need that or not. Alcoholism is tricky cunning and baffling. The long term recovery is in the AA meetings. And working the 12 steps. I personally went to rehab 3 times. Never stayed sober. Until I was at my bottom. Everybody and everything was gone. I had noone. Totally alone. It was then I decided to quit playing with it and stop. The one thing I remember treatment taught me. "Dont drink. And go to meetings." I would suggest you read the Big Book of AA. It is a great read. And try a meeting or two. People just like us go there. The finest people I ever me has been in AA. Just go with an open mind. Do not judge or critique it, until you been there awhile. It will take more than a few meetings to get it. 
  • @robert13,

    Hello and welcome. Sounds like you have a good plan by coming here to document your journey off the Dark Path. By sharing what you already did, that is great that you can be that honest and open. In addition to coming here to write and get support, take some time to look around here. Education is key to beating the monster of addiction, and there is plenty here. Also, for my recovery, it was great to learn that what I was thinking feeling was far from unique; in fact, the doubts and insecurities were quite common, and all part of the addiction monster's standard tricks to keep people from being the people they want to be.

    Keep up that attitude, commitment, and motivation and you will be successful.

    Keep the faith!
  • @Robert13 Hello and welcome to the Forum . I'm super glad that you want to try quitting again for good. I want you to know that it is possible, and we are here to support you however we can. You may need some additional support if you find yourself struggling . Some people opt for the AA meetings and some up for counseling or Treatment Center. Find whatever path works for you. 
    I find that educating myself on the disease of addiction helps me feel empowered . I also find that playing the tape through helps me not to act on addiction. Meaning I think to myself all the way through if I pick up that six-pack how will I feel at the end of the night? How will I feel tomorrow? Will it really solve anything? Is it really as great as I think it will be? When I can think about these things before ever even acting, it helps a lot.

    Why don't you get that bike back out and start riding? Exercise can certainly help when it comes to beating addiction. Start doing some things that you've been putting off or things that you want to try. Create the kind of life that you really want. Again welcome to the Forum and we are here for you anytime.
  • Thanks for the replies! I have been searching around the Forums here, and have found a lot of positive attitude and willingness to share and help. Glad I found you.

    Second day of sobriety, well, not fully so as I'm still plagued with the not unfamiliar symptoms of withdrawal. Last night's "sleep" was a horror of sweaty sheets and very vivid weird dreams. I swear if I could record them I'd be able to sell tickets.

    Did get on the bike today for a limited ride. I'm normally one of those cyclists  you might see in your neighborhood  dressed up like an acrobat, tights and all, zipping around on the road. Yet the fact is I'm this closet drunk, hardly a true picture of health. Not so closeted to those that know me.. 

    Anyway thanks again for the kind, encouraging words. Hoping to get some better sleep and then tomorrow hit the road again, maybe cut the grass, you know, the good side of life!
  • Up and at em'. Simple plans today. A trip to the supermarket for some healthy eats to replenish tapped out body. Get out for a ride before traffic heats up- won't be at my best- still jangly and won't play well with others.

    Get home and clean up this place. After a bender it looks like a war zone.. never fun to come upon something laying on the floor- or some mystery stain on the carpet- thinking "How the hell did THAT get there?"

    Get outside and cut that grass. After a bender it looks almost as bad as I feel. There's one guy on my block whose yard looks like a jungle.  He must use a machete to get to his front door. Wonder if he drinks?

    By this time I'll be whipped. Already feel that way actually. That's the thing about drunkenness in general IMO. Life is short, and it steals precious moments away. When I think what I could have accomplished over the past week- and then what I ACTUALLY have done with the time- might as well put some big fat "X's" on the calendar for days lost, gone forever with nothing to show.

    Then there will be downtime on my hands. I'm a news and internet junkie so that will be on the list. What's on TV Saturday night? Not a lot, most normal folk are actually out doing something.

    Sorry if this sounds like a diary. It is sort of soothing putting thoughts down. The main gist of this is keeping the rudder pointed towards recovery, and the good feelings therein. Thanks for "tuning in". 
  • @Robert13
    Welcome Robert. I am glad you found us. This is a wonderful place. I have been loved and accepted from the day I arrived. I can totally relate to your story. I too, was a binge blackout drunk. I would stay drunk for days and weeks at a time!! And I certainly remember the guilt. The shame. And for me it was pure agony. I would black out every single time I drank. To the point of asking people NOT to tell me wht I did or said. Unless it was important. I also wet the bed. Every single night. To the point of ruining beds. You are surely not alone!! As I have seen, there are many roads to recovery. Everyone is different. I personally got sober through the Power of God. I drank until everyone, and everything was gone. God was the only one who stuck around. I truly enjoy AA meetings. Many of the finest people I know I met in the program. The Big Book of AA is a great read. I see you are internet savy. Google AA book and check it out. The other thing for me. One day at a time. I CANNOT worry about tomorrow or next week. I only have today. So I commit and promise, that for today I wont drink. Do not borrow trouble from tomorrow. Good luck on your journey. Its tough at times. But I would not go back to where I came from, for a million dollars. That is a fact. Hope to see you around here!!
  • WOW! @Robert13, looks like you've been in here 3 days in a row! Congratulations! I'm glad you found us! How did your Saturday go? You had some good plans! Did you find something on TV?

    For me, I've struggled with opioids the last couple days as I had some oral surgery and am 58 days clean from them. I can proudly say I did not take the prescription from the dentist and survived the peak pain using anti-inflammatory he gave me instead! Yeah!  I'm not sure how I did it. I had all the reason to take them and I wanted to so so bad... 
     
    You've received some great information, feedback, and choices here at the forum. We are a very caring group of people who all are battling the addiction in some shape or form. I wish you good luck ion your journey and hope you come back here to share. Good news or bad news or just to rant for awhile. Welcome!

  • Glad to meet you, Tommy and Goodtr8s! (I get it!)
    Tommy, your road traveled sounds familiar indeed.Outstanding job man. 8's, way to go avoiding those pills- must have been a real temptation.

     Had a good weekend, spent hacking away in the yard and riding the bike.

    Sober as of Sunday night, feeling almost normal. Would really like to report back here in timely intervals.. maybe like next weekend- kind of like goalposts if you will.

    All you folks here are doing an incredible service to your fellows. The lost feeling of addiction is horrible, and here it felt (and feels) like a life line. Kudos, and I'll see ya on the weekend!
  • @Robert13 Hey there! Congrats on your sober time! And I'm glad that playing the tape through made sense to you.

    I enjoy your journaling here. I think it's a great space to put down your thoughts and your plans. And even jot down when those plans don't go the way you want them to. Know that you will never be judged here for anything. If you fall down, let us know and we'll help dust you off and get you back on your feet. Recovery is a learned process and just balancing life is an everyday thing. Coping with life and the pain that comes along with it sometimes in a healthy manner is what we aim for. And we celebrate every single Milestone on the way.

    Glad you got some things done this weekend. And yes, please check in when you can. Hope that you'll become a regular here on the Forum. There's a small group of us who journey in life together in this cyberspace here at recovery.org. It's just nice to know you always have a place to go and share whatever it is you want or need to share and know the others will simply support you no matter what.
  • @Robert13... I'm a little late to this thread, but I'm so happy you reached out to us. I'm also super proud of you for taking the necessary steps to improve your life. By my calculation, today would be Day 5 for you, and that's all kinds of awesome!

    We're here for you, Robert. If you need support, help, advice, or just a place to share your thoughts, you can come here anytime. 

    I'm sending you tons of encouragement and hope. Keep doing the next right thing and know that you will be happier and healthier without the beast known as alcohol in your world.
  • Thanks again good people. Today marks day 10 of sobriety. Feels darn good too, went out for a three hour ride today, now have my feet up, drinking Gatorade.
    Know from experience this is a sort of "high" in and of itself. The liberating feeling of being newly sober. The real work is making it long term. My sights are set. You guys have a great weekend, keep doing your wonderful work here,  I'll check in again next weekend!
  • Keep reminding yourself you're worth it! Glad to hear your hard work & focus is paying off! Keep it up and remember to wake each morning with a positive thought!
  • @Webster thank you for sharing!! :) 
  • @Robert13... Congrats on your 10 days of sobriety (which I hope is 12 days by now)! Just take things a day at a time and live in the moment. If you do that, the long-term sobriety will take care of itself.

    Sending you tons of positive mojo!
  • @Robert13... 12 days = all kinds of awesome! Nicely done!

    Just a bit of advice: Keep close watch on your heart, okay? Twenty years ago, I would have heart palpitations on occasion and they would always subside by the time I saw a doctor. Finally, I was able to see a doctor while the palpitations were still happening. It turned out to be atrial fibrillation, which is a pretty serious arrhythmia. I took meds for it for almost twenty years, and had a procedure done on my heart a little less than two years ago. I don't mean to scare you; I just want you to be aware of what's going on with your ticker and to follow up with your doctor if anything seems "off."

    Congrats again on 12 days! Just keep going!!!
  • Day 16. Being Friday and payday, there were twinges of cravings. "Played the tape through", as per the advice, and it worked. Looking forward to an active, fun weekend that I can actually remember.

    DeanD, did see my regular Doctor on Tuesday. I couldn't bring myself to own up to my struggles with alcohol, even though it would have been the right thing to do. Did tell him I'd been stressed due to life events. He wrote a scrip for a low dose of Zoloft which I have yet to fill. Funny, I'd think nothing of drinking myself blind, but shy away from antidepressants.. Haven't had palpitations since my visit to the ER on Monday.

    Hoping you all have a good weekend. If someone is reading this while struggling themselves, don't give up. Life can and will get better!
  • Congrats on 16 days, @Robert13. Glad you played the tape through and got through those cravings. Maybe in time you'll be able to come clean with your doctor. I do think it would be the best thing. And I'm very happy to hear that you haven't had any more heart palpitations. 

    Keep doing the next right thing and have a great weekend!
  • @robert13, thanks for posting. Sounds like you are doing awesome, and a perfect example for a recovery. It all seems so silly once you play the tape through with a critical and rational eye, doesn't it? Red wine was my drink of choice, and I used to think how classy it was to smell it, swirl it, discuss the subtle notes and all that. Then, in my recovery, I realized it was just spoiled grape juice, and the whole exercise seemed so silly. Now when I look at wine I just see "Welches, best if use by: Last year" on every bottle.

    Great news on the fitness goals too. Just think how great you will feel when you are done with that, and that you'd have never done it if you were still Sir Drinks-a-Lot. Plus all those other constructive, helpful, at times boring, but good things that need to be done. You are running your own life. The good, and the bad, but it is you at the helm, not the monster of addiction. Fantastic!
  • @changeyourself hello and welcome. thanks for posting!!! would love to learn more about you! :) 
  • @Robert13 glad you are doing better!
  • dominica ,thank you for validating my post .I am a single parent with a teenage son (he will be 16 in just a couple of hours). I would like to learn more  about narcissism and narcissistic behaviour .I wanted to join a support group because ,after watching some videos online and reading articles on the topic, I believe this is what I went through with my son's father , who  ,in my opinion , shows traits of  a covert narcissist. I find it soothing to have a place where I can read other people's experiences , share some thoughts and hear ideas . Hope to find people that have been through the same treatment in a relationship and know what I am referring to ,thanks for encouriging me to share :)
  • @changeyourself I'm so glad you're here and thank you for sharing. Happy birthday to your son! I'm sorry that you went through a challenging relationship with a possible narcissist. It is a good thing that you're out of that relationship now. 

    I hope that your son does not follow in those shoes. It very well may be that he is acting as many teenagers do: very selfish. They tend to go through that stage and the world revolves around them and their wants and needs. He may totally outgrow that . my kids are now grown and I watched them go through some things and I still am in some ways. Being a parent is very rewarding, but it can also be very challenging and worrisome. 

    We are glad you are here and encourage you to share as you wish. If you want to start a new thread on the topic of narcissism or relationships in general, feel free.

    Have a beautiful day!
  • @Robert13 yay! 25 days is awesome!
  • dominica ,thank you so much for the birthday wishes ! It will surely contribute to the good atmosphere on this day , this really cheers me up.I hope this is  a lovely day for you ,too . You are so right about the challenging aspects of parenthood .You try to do your best as a parent and sometimes even this is not enough . :) To be honest , I sometimes worry about certain traits of his behaviour .I know he is a teenager and they  can be unpredictable in their reactions and emotions but he tends to get aggressive in some situations or tries to switch the subject of conversation to avoid giving a straight answer or avoid taking responsibility . I am not sure if this is his age or some possible genetic conditions .This has been going on for about two years .Some findings suggest that there might be genetic predisposition for narcissism and problematic behaviour . I read that it is part nature , part nurture . For the time being I try to monitor his reactions ,to observe the behaviour . The thing which concerns me is that from what I have read there is not much a parent can do if it is genetic. So ,for now I read about it and try to avoid arguing with him  over insignificant topics . 

     Thank you for your suggestion to start a thread on narcissism . I am not sure if what I can share will be of interest and use for the others but if I can help in this way , I might do it .

  • @Robert13... I've been away for a few days, but I was so happy to see your latest updates. Congrats on 25 days! That's AMAZING and I'm super proud of you! Keep working hard, my friend. You're doing this!
  • @changeyourself... Welcome to the community! I'm so glad you found us! And belated happy birthday wishes to your son! :)
  • DeanD ,thank you for the warm welcome and your wishes ! I am so happy to have found you because I feel relaxed in this place of support and see I will not be judged for my thoughts or feelings . To some it may  sound strange but I really feel like I am surrounded by accepting and good friends here ,though we have never met in person,it's a nice feeling :)
  • @changeyourself... That doesn't sound strange to me at all. Because I know you ARE surrounded by accepting and good friends here. We all have been in similar situations, or have someone near and dear to us who has. We "get" it. And we truly care.

    Have an amazing day, my friend!
  • Day 29. Yesterday found out @ work we had the option of taking off today- for a four day break. Happily took it. This would have been a huge trigger to get tanked normally.. but played it through once again and abstained. It was tough though, how easy it would have been to slip into old habits!

    Now to keep busy with fun and practical activity. Ask a road cyclist what their plans are for the weekend, and they'll likely respond in miles! Hey, you guys have a great one, and again- you have my gratitude for being there for me when the chips are down. Luckily enough I also have some very good friends, while drinkers themselves- that are understanding of what I'm going through. One of them lost his brother to alcohol. The other has expressed a desire to cut back. With the amount of support I'm receiving all around- I feel my chances are much greater.
  • @Robert13, good for you on 29 days!! You're making a difference for yourself! 
    The way you describe the tape that plays in your head is so revealing and surly gives you gooood reason NOT to follow through! Keep up this hard work!
    You're in my prayers...
  •   Day 32.
    Really good time off. Spent the days sober and in control. There was the brief temptation Thursday after work, and another happened yesterday.

    After a particularly grueling five hour bike ride, I texted my boss and friend (and fellow cycling enthusiast) to brag about my total mileage. He messaged back, saying I deserved a beer or two- but only that. I knew darn well that would never work- I'm not a person that can stop once the first drink is down.

    Texted him back saying one is not enough, that I'd be content with ice cold chocolate milk as a reward. It's not as if I hadn't thought of it driving home from my favorite riding spot, exhausted. I thought about how good a beer would go down. Thought about it a lot. Then I considered what would happen. I'd spin out of control- getting far out into the weeds- then be full of regret the next morning and desire for more  booze to sooth those feelings. A real dead end trap.

    And.. there would be those to whom I consider myself accountable, including folks here. I just plain don't want to have to deal with that feeling of failure- even though setbacks are normal.

    Thanks guys, for reading and caring.I'll check back again soon. .
  • Congratulations on 32 days, @Robert13. That's terrific!! And I'm proud of you for navigating your way through the temptations, too. That shows me your definitely making fabulous progress!! 

    Keep doing what you're doing, my friend! You are doing this!!!
  • @Robert13,

    So glad for you,@Robert13! Keep going and enjoy your freedom - it's something priceless and worth appreciating!

    Good luck and take care

  • @Robert13... Your progress continues to impress and inspire. And it's great that you're doing physical things like biking and walking. Exercise really helps the body and brain!

    Keep it up, my friend!
  • Well, I didn't make it two months. Fell off the wagon in dramatic fashion with another week long bender. Surprising I didn't die with the volume of booze I put away. It was a real horror show, acted like a perfect ass to my girlfriend, worried my family and friends to death- wound up on the floor puking.

    I would like to ask, has anyone here gone to rehab? Would you care to share your experience? I believe I'm going to check out AA. as well.
  • Sorry. LOL. Boss came up. Had to cut short. What I was trying to say. I see many many people who go to one or two meetings. And decide, hmmmm, I dont like it. Its not for me. The guy at the door was wearing green and looked at me funny. I wont go back. That is stupid. It is the addiction trying to protect itself. And keep you stuck. 
  • @Robert13... I'm sorry you fell off the wagon, but I'm sure as hell glad you didn't die. And @Tommy's right: It's all good. We live and learn. You fell, but you can get back up. And brush yourself off. And get back on the right path again. 

    Rehab works for a lot of people, but it oftentimes takes multiple trips before things start to "stick." AA works for a lot of people, too. But it's not for some people. The bottom line is that there is no one path to recovery that works for everyone. You have to explore and discover what will work for you. That's part of the process. So maybe start checking some stuff out. 

    You are a human being, my friend. And human beings are not perfect. So don't get too down on yourself. You are not alone. Not by any stretch of the imagination. We're here for you and we're rooting for you.

    Also, here's a video I made that might help you.


  • Sorry Dean, I'm a caveman and have dial up. Can't load the video in less than five years. I appreciate your thoughts. The worst part of this Day 1 redo is the guilt about it. I was feeling and doing much better at life in general before dropping the ball. It totally sucks as of now, the self loathing- but will get better as the days pass.
  • @Robert13 you made me laugh with "less than five years."  hahahaha

    chin up.... the days will get better!!!  no guilt allowed here.... today, right now....is what we're working with..... past is gone... :)
  • @Robert13... Progress, not perfection! Do not feel guilty and try to get over the self-loathing. Relapse is part of the disease of addiction. For most people, recovery/sobriety is a learned behavior; not an instant thing. For most people, recovery is more like learning to read than getting hit on the head with an apple. So keep working at it, practice, and get better. And don't beat yourself up if you're not an expert right from the start. Eventually, you will master the new behavior. It's a process, my friend.
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