Please help I need support

I've been on and off with my boyfriend for the past two years I've left so many times and always gone back I stay away for couple weeks then give in to him he's been addicted to heroin and crack for 15 years I met him when he came out of rehab the first 18 months were amazing then he relapsed I've stayed for two years knowing what he's doing I'm so depressed and ill I don't know what to do all my family and friends think I've not seen home for the last 18 months I've seen him when I can but he's destroyed me again I've left him today and am determined not to go back please help I can't do this alone I have no local support groups I can get to as I have my children I've had councilling for a year but that's stopped I'm on antidepressants I'm going insane I don't think I can live without him
  • 140 Commentsby Likes|Date
  • @eallen ;. hey there it's good to hear from you again. I'm super glad that you're here reaching out. I'm sorry that you are still struggling . It is good that you have left him again. I know it is challenging and you probably feel very alone, but this is for the best. You deserve a healthy relationship with a healthy individual. 

    We will be your support as best as we can. Are you able to get back to counseling? I believe that would be helpful as well. Perhaps you can come on the forum each day and share with us as part of your recovery process. I'm sure it will take some time to clear your head and begin to heal. It's very challenging to be with an addict, as you know. But now seems to be time for you to focus on you completely. On healing and growing on all levels. 

    How can we best support you? We are certainly here to listen and offer encouragement and unconditional love. I will pray for you as well. Know that you're not alone and that we do care about you. It may feel like you can't live without him... but i want to encourage you that you can... it may be rough for now, but we are here..reach out anytime.
  • @eallen really helped me to start watching youtube videos... look up codependency and watch some... when i left a toxic relationship and felt like i was dying...i would watch for hours and hours.... it helped. gave me hope... still hurt, but gave me hope.
  • @eallen... I commented on a post you made in another thread, so be sure to look for that. I want you to work on caring for yourself. If you allow yourself to be addicted to his addiction, it will take you down, too. You have to put yourself and your children first. And getting back into counseling would be a terrific thing. That and/or support group meetings.

    We are here for you, my friend.
  • @eallen ; Its hard to leave and just as hard to stay away.  I like to look at it as stages of growth.  I want you to know you are not alone.  I want you to know that you can get through this.  I know for me that each time I set boundaries for myself and then with the addict I love emotional strength is increased.  It started many years ago but, I felt stuck recently and that's when I found this cite.  Reading others stories, sharing thoughts and ideas and reading and watching the recommended suggestions by DeanD and  dominica  were, are so helpful to me.  I hope you find they are helpful to you as well

  • Thankyou for @dominica @Dean D I had to stop councilling due to the cost I had a couple months off the NHS then had to pay weekly , I just don't know why I put up with it years ago with my husband (now divorced) I wouldn't put up with something like this it's like I feel alone and I don't want to be single he took on my children as his own they loved him
    To they've let go and haven't seen him for well over a year and a half, I just can't the fear of being alone I've tried meeting other people I just hav trust issues I panic when I'm out with them have anxiety attachs it's awful, I have a really good job I'm at open university studying have done my first year which is something I did for me but yet I still carried on with him I don't even think I do love him think it's more hate but I miss him like mad we talked on the phone each day and seen him few times a week It's great I can turn to you all I will come on each day and let you know my progress it will help greatly and I do a lot of reading stories on here it helps me see it's not just me suffering thankyou
  • @Bdn20 thankyou I know I can do it just need to take one day at a time it's like I leave can do it for over a week or two then I get angry thinking why doesn't he care about me why has he not contacted me then I contact him and he's still no different he's still using I think if I leave he will change but he doesn't and I told him yesterday when I left even if he's clean I can't have a future with him I don't trust him and he's hurt me in ways il never forgive him and my family and my Feiends would leave me if I went back
  • @eallen yes, i hope you can come on every day. we are your friends!!

    i wanted to mention when i was having big trust issues and needed some support years ago, i started attending a small church. i found nice people there who accepted me. i later found a spiritual center i liked... just a thought. there are great people in and out of a religious organization, of course. it just helped me a lot...

    check in with us today and let us know how you're doing!
  • @dominica thanks for your message day one nearly over have had lots of tears and have been tempted to call him but haven't but tried to keep busy today try and get my strength from my children and keep going , yes I will look into church I have found a al anon group quote far from me but I could go to once a week so hoping that will help me il be away next week for a week so looking forward to that hoping will distract me for a bit thankyou
  • @eallen GREAT that you haven't called him. it's almost like going through withdrawal. at least that's the way i remember it... i understand...but now, years later, am SOOOOOOO glad i made that cut. believe me... it will get better.

    yes, be with your kids...let your attention be upon them fully and yes, al-anon will be helpful too!  give it a try. 

    so glad you are here.... know that we are here for you (and we know you are here for us too) :)

    sending big hug!!
  • @eallen... Big props to you for resisting the urge to call him. I know it's not easy, but it's necessary for your own mental and physical health. And yes, you can come here anytime you'd like, as often as you'd like. There are no limits. We are here for you to lean on!!

    Sending you love, light, hope, and hugs. 

    Proud of you!
  • Thankyou @DeanD @dominica thankyou for your kind words worried about the weekend haven't got my kids so going to be hard to stay away from him I'm going to keep busy and have made plans with friends so hope I can get through this
  • @eallen that's great you made plans with friends!! maybe make a list of the reasons why you should not and will not contact him....then when you're tempted, get that list out and look at it.... remind yourself. 

    remember that the longer you stay away, the easier it will be. hard for now, but you are doing it!! :) 

    check in and let us know how you're weekend is going.
  • @eallen... Keeping busy is a great idea. Do stuff with your friends and take good care of YOU. And like Dominica said, check in with us and let us know how the weekend goes. 

    Sending you tons of positive juju!
  • Thanks @dominica @Deand it's going to be hard struggling already have drive by his house once it's on the main route to where I drive past most days was hard not to go in looking to see if his window is open or if it's shut makes me wonder is he ok is he alive I didn't go in so that's a start I want to delete his number so I can't call or text but if I do it's closure and in the end I know I should do it but it's going to be hard
  • @eallen that's great you didn't go check on him.... it's time to focus solely on you and your kids.... yes, you are doing good!!!  go ahead and delete his  may need some closure! :)
  • @dominica well I'm gutted I messed up I went out drank far to much and texted him saying I missed him he text me back saying he loved me so much and bye like he was telling me bye that's he end which made me feel worse I didn't reply I got more drunk
    And got upset with myself for even trying I really do need to delete the number now I feel like such a failure day three and failed x
  • @eallen it's a relapse... recovery sometimes involves relapse. get up and dust yourself off and try again.... what have you learned from this last relapse?

    you can begin again... i would do your best to avoid alcohol at this time in your life.... as you know, it can cause us to do things we regret...

    check in today...let us know how you are...and chin up. start over working on YOU.
  • @dominica your right alcohol is best for me to avoid right now it ends up in more upset and feeling low, i know I need to be strong and delete the number and block him from
    Contacting me , i am feeling low and upset today I have wrote a list of all the bad things he done to me and why I should stay away I hope this will help me thankyou
  • It's so hard all my friends family all Say he treated me so bad how did I put up with it but deep down I know he loves me and it's the drugs that took him from me, if I had a choice I'd take him back but I can't I don't trust him how can you be with someone you don't trust, so many times I drive myself crazy thinking was it me was I crazy for not believing him he's completely destroyed my mind, I used to drive around day and night looking for him putting myself at risk he would ring and beg me for money if I said no he threaten to kill hisself he'd text to say he was cutting himself or he would hurt someone he would go out at night stealing off people he even threw someone out of a car trying to get money this is what he said when he had no money he would say he's been robbed, he also has skitsiphernia he takes pills all the time on top of drugs he drinks and he wonders why I would turn up he'd be out of his face didn't even know where he was I think to myself this is no life I don't understand why he went back il never know the truth which hurts even more,he was clean for two years so I think out of 18 years of his life he has no family or friends just me how do I know he's safe what if he does something stupid I would blame myself for leaving him how do I ever get over this all I wanted was a future with him I love him it's like the world has ended to me I don't know how il ever love again il never forget what he did to me I hate him for that but how do you erase all this from your memory it's going be tough for me he's so close by not like I'm never going see him around he always said he'll never go cause he still believes il go back to him
  • @eallen... You're a human being and human beings mess up sometimes. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just learn from it and keep moving forward. Concentrate on taking care of YOU. On making YOU happy. On doing things YOU want to do. I know letting go isn't easy, but focusing on YOU can ease the struggle.

    Sending you love and light.
  • Thanks @Deand day two nearly over its hard and I know it's going to get worse before it gets better just need to stay strong and hope I can do this , just keep reminding myself of the daily struggle i went through the sleepless nights the constant worry checking my phone all the time and running to him every time he needs me I need to be me and get better for my children
    Staying positive
  • @eallen... I may have asked you this before, so if I have please forgive me. But have you read the book Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie? I think it might really help you. Just a thought.

    Keep staying positive. ++++++++++ :)
  • Hi @DeanD no I haven't I will see if I can et a copy thankyou
  • Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, @eallen
  • Thanks @DeanD nearly through day three been tough but today is the first time I didn't pass his house was tempted to went that way then turned around I realised if I did it would confuse me even more and wonder if he's ok so I stayed away hard but so glad I managed to do it staying positive many thanks for your support through this I couldn't do it alone
  • @eallen... Don't mention it. We are here for you anytime you need us. You are not alone. :)
  • Hi so I'm now on my holiday miles away from home the anxiety and panic is terrific feel so lost with him not near by hoping and praying he's ok so want to contact him but no I can't he should be with me enjoying the holiday feel so lost and unhappy I should be enjoying my time away day four gone not heard from
    Him kind makes me sad and angry thinking maybe he did never care about me but in a way perhaps it's good he hasn't as I would prob respond and all it would be would to ask for money or help in some way just wonder how did this all happen and why me what did I do to deserve this unhappiness
  • I have a suggestion you may want to try.  My therapist suggested it to me.  She suggested I set a specific amount of time out of every day  to thinking, worrying, getting anxious over him but after that amount of time is over the goal is to focus on enjoying the moment. When I find myself starting to  worry, thinking about him I catch myself and refocus on something positive. I am still practicing this but, its working and the amount of time I spend worrying about what he is doing and getting sad about what he is not doing  is less and less.

  • Thanks @Bdn20 I will try that approach and see if it helps
  • @eallen... I know it's hard. But try to concentrate on enjoying yourself and practicing some radical self-care. You deserve that so much. Try not to let someone else dictate whether or not you are happy. Like I said, I know it's hard. But please try. Because you do not deserve to be unhappy.

    Big hugs being sent to you in Spain. :)
  • @Bdn20... Thanks for sharing that strategy your therapist suggested. :)
  • Hi thankyou everyone this is my only support being on here right now I intend to go to Alanon next week to help me ge through this day five over now approaching the longest time with no contact over the past 4 years just need to get past the first few weeks I guess, it is so hard I don't know why if it's because I worry about him doing something silly or whether it's cause I don't want him to be with anyone else and move on I guess but deep down I'm not in love with him I hate him morefor doing this to us I just have to believe that he didn't do this to hurt me I need to stay strong x
  • As Dean said on my thread, you need to take care of yourself first, make yourself number 1.
    Not easy to walk away, as you know I'm in the same boat but your circumstances are worse than mine I think ?.
    Keep posting and getting it off your chest, it helps.
    I'm thinking of you and willing you on. I wish I had your strength.
  • @eallen... We are happy to support you, my friend. Please come and lean on us whenever you feel like it. We're all rooting for you!
  • Thankyou @bubblegum today was a struggle on day six now nearly on a week which is a great achievement for me am pleased but sad to maybe it helps cause I'm thousands of miles away not sure how il be when I get home as it's a five min drive to his and On way to places I go guess as the weeks go by il feel better hope so anyway try to focus on me going to get back to the gym eat healthy and back to studying in September so lots planned hope your feeling ok today
  • Thankyou @DeanD day six over still struggling guess it will get worse before better time to have a positive change to my life and hope one day il get over all this hurt
  • @eallen... Congrats on 6 days. I know it's not easy, but it will get better. I know it will. 

    Sending you big hugs.
  • Thanks @DeanD one week done still sad and struggling but pleased I achieved one week, really need to start thinking of me now and making myself better lots of plans in place now just hope I can get through the next few weeks starting to relax and enjoying my holiday a little more
  • One week is FABULOUS, @eallen!!! I'm proud of you!!! And it's okay to be sad. You are grieving. There's nothing wrong with that. But keep thinking of/working on YOU!
  • Thanks @DeanD got through day 9 now is tough but reality will be when I get home need to stay strong it's less and less now I think about him still a lot though, going to have to try and keep busy and get trough the next couple weeks then back to work and study so lots for me to keep busy , I think my main worry was always being single and alone it will take me a long time to trust anyone again I think now I need to concentrate on me and not worry about that one day il meet someone who will give me what I deserve well I hope so anyway
    Thankyou for being here for me
  • @eallen congrats on 9 days!!  glad you will have lots to keep you busy. that will help!!  yes, focus on you for now... when we get far off into the future, we miss out on the NOW... :)
  • @eallen... Nine days is most excellent! Yes, try and keep as busy as possible. That's a great way to keep your mind from going to that dark place. Remember that YOU should be at the top of your priority list...always! And yes, you WILL meet that special someone at some point. Live in the moment, my dear. One day at a time. YOU are awesome!!!
  • Thanks @dominica and @DeanD so day ten over was
    Feeling ok then I went on Facebook and his name appeared on messenger to say he was online hadn't messeged me I nearly messaged but then got off and wrote on hear instead my hearts racing cause I want to write why haven't you messeged me why don't you care about me but then I did tell him not to so I guess I should stick by that I still thought though he would say something would of made me feel better to hear he misses me perhaps I don't mean as much to him as I thought now I have all these thoughts in my mind perhaps I really don't matter to him which makes me angry and sad
  • Congrats on 10 days, @eallen. And good for you for not messaging him and coming here instead. Maybe turn FB messenger off for a while? Just a thought. It would eliminate an urge/trigger that you don't really need right now. 

    Sending you hugs, my dear.
  • Yes thankyou @DeanD I guess I didn't expect his name to come
    Up kind of glad at least I know he's ok I guess but yes your right I need to remove all contact of anything to relate to him so I don't go back thanks for your quick reply
  • You are very welcome, @eallen. :)
  • So I'm home from my holiday now and there is an al anon group tonight about 40 mins from me I really want to go feeling anxious about it already the next five days will be hard now as my children have gone to their dads so I have to stay strong
  • @eallen... I know 40 minutes away isn't exactly close by, but I urge you to take the time and go to that Al-Anon meeting. I think it will really help you. It's very helpful and comforting to be in the company of people who know just what you're going through and feeling. 

    Sending you more big hugs.
  • Thanks @DeanD I did go and it was really good for me I'd love to go every week but the drive home in the dark on the motorway was awful I had a panic attack on the way back I don't know how I made it home so scary I'm not good in the dark as it is but I can't go here again which I'm sad about as I really do think it would be good for me think I'm going to have to pay for private councilling to help me
  • @eallen so glad you went!!! any chance a friend would go with you and drive? just a thought... even if it's just once a month; it's something.
  • @Dominica I wish I could but none of my friends know about my situation would wonder why I'm going there shame as was really good
  • @eallen i understand.... well, you know it's there if you absolutely need to go :) 
  • @eallen... I'm happy to hear you had a good experience at the Al-Anon meeting. But I'm sorry to hear that the drive isn't really doable. Have you looked into virtual meetings? That might be a great option for you. More information can be found here:

    I hope that in time you will be able to let go of the shame you're feeling. None of this is your fault. And addiction isn't a moral failing; it's a disease.

    Sending you even more hugs than I did yesterday. :)
  • Thanks @DeanD will look into it , today has been a struggle very emotional and tired today I did go for a run and a ride on my bike which helped a bit I'm just finding it all so hard I love him so much being away from him makes me realise I did still have the feelings for him so sad
    Thanks for your support
  • Thanks @dominica I know I need to find something just I know after last night I couldn't drive back again was so scared I honestly thought I was going to crash the car wasn't nice at all which sounds silly because I've driven for years but was dark and I couldn't see any of the road
  • By all means, your safety is a top priority, @eallen. And I know how scary it can be driving at night. Not a good feeling at all! Check out those virtual meetings, okay? 

    Big hugs. And happy Friday!
  • @eallen oh my gosh.... that sounds scary!! i am with you though, because it's tough for me to see at night too....  maybe there will be a meeting open up on the weekend during the day :)  

    yes, check the virtual meetings... and watch a youtube video maybe too, just for encouragement... have you watched any on the topic?  
  • Thanks @DeanD @dominica I've looked in to the virtual meetings I'm getting confused as the time difference don't think they are in the uk have emailed two groups a few days ago no response yet , there doesn't seem to be many meetings nearby me which is a shame I'm hanging in there has been a hard weekend really fed up didn't do anything all weekend just sobbed my heart out which is silly cause I need to stop feeling sorry for myself it's like I'm a whole different person now I don't see myself as me no more
    I know il get there just got to keep going
    Thanks for your kind words
  • I'm sorry you had a hard weekend, @eallen. But it's okay to cry. It's a way to cleanse your soul. I love this quote from my favorite author, Anne Lamott:

    "Crying and grieving heal us, cleanse us, baptize us, moisturize us, water the seeds hidden deep in the ground at our feet."

    You will indeed get there. Just keep going. :)
  • Hey so it's been three weeks now I haven't seen him until
    Today I was in town and he came up from behind I had my kids with me all he said was hello and smiled I said hi back and ever since I've worried it's all going start and I had a message from
    Him saying how happy he was to see me and he loves me and misses me so much I'm so sad I want to reply but I can't or I'm going be back where I started
  • @eallen... As hard as it may be, don't reply to his message. You are right: If you do, you will go right back to where you started. Be strong!
  • Nothing is impossible in this world. All you need is a strong willpower and focus. As you said you are with your boyfriend from a very long time but he is still addicted to drugs, this probably means that he don't care about you and your children. If you still want to be with him, try to treat him with love and care. If this isn't worked then make your mind to leave him because you have your children and family with you. Don't be biased towards him you must look after your children too. Its hard to forget or leave someone who is with you for such a long time. But you have to encourage yourself to do so.
    Make new friends, spend plenty of time with your children and family as family is the biggest support group to fight against anything, plan a trip, get a job; keep yourself busy.
    Hope this helps you. Good luck.

  • Thankyou everyone for your kind words well it's been over 3 weeks now I've seen him a couple times around which is hard in a way I wish he moved far away, my heart says run back to him maybe it's all I deserve maybe he is the one but my mind tells me no stay away there's no trust no future and I no deep down that's the truth, even when i was with him I didn't want to be there or maybe it was more I was afraid of what he was like or if my family or friends found out I feel I'm living my life the way others want me to like I can't be free to make my own mind up I try to go out I try to move on I'm just not the person I once was this is the longest I've stayed away and it's not easy I just keep telling myself it's what has to happen it's like I don't have a choice he made the choice to lose me over drugs I should hate him for what he did but I don't for some reason I know there's love there it's just taken away from me I do hate him for taking our future away but maybe he was never right for me I don't no my heads full of good times and then bad memories if I actually stop and think he put me through hell but did he mean to no it was drugs then I think how can drugs be better than me what was wrong with me did I push him to it did I do something wrong all these questions and I will never know the real answers I'm angry at myself for staying so long I should of left a long time ago
  • Thanks for the update, @eallen. You're doing great. And, for the record, I don't think you have to hate him for what he did. Addiction is a disease, not a moral failing. Your boyfriend isn't bad...he's sick. But he has a sickness you can't fix. So you're doing what's best for YOU. Because YOU matter, too.

    Big hugs coming your way. Again. :)
  • Thanks @DeanD it's a month now I haven't seen him still sad but hanging in there ;)
    Back to work next week so hopefully will distract me a bit
  • Keep doing what you're doing, @eallen. Proud of you. :)
  • Thanks @DeanD seems forever ago now I went to his five weeks now I left, feels strange but I am so proud of myself for staying away although I have my nights that are long and sad. Perhaps grieving for what I had, I have a lot of other problems with my ex husband to deal with right now which is tipping me over the edge,some days I think I'm going pack up and run away other days I don't want to talk to anyone but I have to live my life go to work look after my girls if I don't il lose the lot, I did go on a date a few nights ago and you know what it was nice and with someone who wants to get to know me I don't know if it's a good things or bad but right now it feels good to be appreciated by someone and given me confidence that their are other people out there. Even if it's just a friendship for now I was able to talk about my past and someone not judge me or run away from me. I don't know I wish someone could just say everything will be ok one day the memories will fade and I can let go maybe
  • Good for you, @eallen! Like I've said before, it's okay to grieve. It's a very normal thing. But I'm happy you're taking steps to improve your life, too. I'm glad you had a nice time out with someone who listened to you without judgment, too. I'm so proud of the progress you're making! Keep going!
  • Thanks @DeanD I went for a long walk today and you know I thought to myself actually I am starting to worry less each day now.although still have moments of sadness and feel very alone I have also realised over the past few weeks I have become very dependent on alcohol every night so am starting to make sure I don't drink every night this week which is hard actually I've never had this issue before think it's a way for me to forget And get through the night is so hard as I have no friends or family to talk to
  • @eallen,

    I have read your posts and would have to agree with @DeanD that you have come a long way in your experience!You have made excellent progress! Don't give up  and don' worry that for some time you might feel alone After a difficult situation we  all need some time for ourselves ,to come to terms with our own expectations and needs ,maybe reflect a little bit why we ended up the way we did and come up with decisions how we can try not to repeat the same mistakes later on.

    Also I think there is a big difference between the feeling of you being "alone" ,meaning by yourself ,and feeling" lonely".Loneliness is a feature of your inner being.We can sometimes feel lonely even if we are in a relationship or in a room full of people .And vice versa ,we can be alone,and yet not be lonely,because we just need that time  alone with our inner self.When we can be comfortable with our inner self ,then we don't mind being alone so much because we feel "full" and we don't need other people to make us" full". 

    I used to think I have to be with someone because this is what we are supposed to do ,be with someone even if we are unhappy,because "it's not just me,everybody has issues in their relationships,all people make some type of compromise in their relationships,things can't be perfect 'etc,all kinds of justifications to stay in the relationship .Now I think I need to focus on taking care of me first ,to become a healthy person who can be in healthy relationships.If the time comes to meet that special person,that will be great but I don't worry about it too much.For now me and my son -these are the priorities in my daily life!  

    You matter and you deserve better,so stick to your guns and the rest will take care of itself :)

  • Thankyou @changeyourself I guess I have felt alone in my previous marriage before and unhappy I guess I just have to keep going and work on
    Myself for the time and hope things work out for the best, I know il get there just change is it nice I guess
  • @eallen,

    You are never alone if you  are fine with just who you are and work on your inner growth ,at least that's what I 'm trying to do.I also raise my son on my own and used to be miserable in my marriage,blaming myself for the most part that it didn't work out.Now I try to slow down a bit with my expectations and see what happens,just day by day,trying to enjoy every moment to the full and take pleasure in simple things.

    You probably have listened to MJ's song "Smile":

    "Smile ,though your heart is aching   Smile,though it's breaking   If you smile with your fear and sorrow  Smile and maybe tomorrow You'll find that life 's still worthwhile Light your face with gladness  Hide every trace of sadness   SMILE ,what's the use of crying......"  :)

    I ' m not into poetry that much but the meaningful  lyrics combined with awesome music of good songs really resonate with me! 

    They say when you are a healthy individual, you don't attract problematic people in your life,so,we'll see...

    Just want you to know I support you on your path  and  keep going,we all deserve better than our present situation :)

    Good luck and I'll try to keep up with your posts

  • @eallen,

    Are you in a safe enough place from the storm ?It's a very challenging time for American people and everybody else affected by it!Do you live nearby the path of the sortm?A lot of people are going to have such a hard time!My country's population is about 6.5 million people(approximately the number of Floridians that needed to evacuate from the area or go to shelters ).From my point of view ,it's as if the authorities are trying to evacuate a whole country!That's just mind-blowing,hard to imagine even,I don't know how youmanage to deal with all of this!My thoughts go out to you,

    Take care

  • Thanks @changeyourself , music is defiantly a heart breaker so many songs I listen to the words just are so me and my life, I try not to listen to music so much it hurts even more, my ex text me today saying he loves me and hope I'm ok asked if I would see him on his birthday next week as he has no one else here I didn't respond I can't go back it's nearly six weeks now and this is the furthest I have come , I'm in England so I am safe thankyou have heard it all on the news is very terrifying hope your safe to thanks for your kind words means a lot to know people out there can support me feel so alone not being able to talk to family or friends about it take care
  • @eallen... Continue to practice radical self-care, my friend. You deserve it! Also, try not to be too dependent on alcohol. As you probably know from reading posts around here, that can lead you down a pretty horrible path. Maybe try to find some other ways to forget what you want to forget. Exercise, hobbies, reading, etc. Believe me: alcohol is not the answer.

    We're here for you anytime you need to talk. Remember that. 

    Sending you more love, light, and hugs. :)
  • @eallen,
    I am sorry you find music hurtful right now,otherwise it is a great way of relaxation.I am glad you are not in the path of the storm.I live in Europe, so I am safe,too but I am so relieved that at least the hurricane wasn't the strongest category meteorologists were expecting, they said on the news it was cat 3 and then 2.The situation is still serious enough and the aftermath will be difficult to deal with,too.
       I think you did the right thing by not responding because wouldn' t that send you back to square one,I don't know.....You should consider it carefully.
    And I am sorry you don' t have who to share this with.Why don't you keep posting here as a means of getting things off of your mind?
    Be good to yourself:)
  • Thanks @Deand I'm trying to exercise when I can just have such little energy right now , you are right though alcohol isn't the answer I'm going back to uni on my second year this week so will be plenty of reading and work to do looking forward to it always a dream of mine to do it and I completed my first year in July of this year not sure how with everything going on but I did and I'm proud of me for once , I know one day il get there just got to keep fighting
  • Thanks @changeyourself nice to know I can talk on here when I need to do many things going around in my head feel like I'm in a nightmare and waiting to wake up hoping all will be gone and back to how it was a couple of years ago I've been on one hell of a rollercoaster and got way to involved seen a life I don't want to be in I haven't contacted him but feel sad and guilty for him being alone but you know what it's not my fault I didn't do this to our life he did and I have to keep remembering what he put me through I wouldn't wish it on anyone
    Thanks for your support
  • @eallen,
    You know what, I have been thinking for a while now on the following— people strive for happiness,that's only natural as well as wanting to connect to someone and experience intimacy.But I believe happiness is a moment in time,the state of being happy then and there.Then you may be sad,then again joyful......I think this is a cycle and we are lucky if we can create  and experience more happy moments than sad ones.
    It's definitely not your fault that the relationship turned out in this way .That's why other people take advantage of us - because we feel guilty most of the time,for other's problems including and try ti fix them,if THEY have problems,why should WE feel guilty and sad?It's part of the problem of co-dependent people.
    If you feel miserable in a relationship,you have all the right to get out and find your happiness,you cannot fix anybody,it will only bring you further distress.They have to fix themselves! It's not your job to take care of everybody's needs but yours ,this is part of the problem of  being co-dependent ,we tend to put other's needs first and "be too strong for too long".Maybe you can check that article that @DeanD posted a while ago "16 signs you may be codependent".I have read it and find it quite useful to identify certain types of behaviour in me .
      I am so glad about you continuing  your studies,that's the way to go!You shouldn't give up on your plans or dreams for anybody!It's good you work on your personal development,it will certainly take time and may be hard at the beginning but it's definitely worth it.
    With time it will be easier not to look back,but only forward,into a brighter future!
    How about this idea of mine,if you like it,you can try and see if it works for you— you can try posting here for some time sharing what thing you do every day to be good to yourself and take care of yourself?This might help you follow your own progress and be proud of it!You are worthy of all the  respect and happiness you can get!
    Supporting you on your path to recovery :)
  • Thanks @changeyourself I think I focus to much on the bad and hurtful things I feel rather than speaking about the positive, I guess I never focused on me I spent two years runnng around hoping he was alive and making him well I feel regret for how much I did do but I did it for love I guess wasn't strong enough to say no yet when I think back did he care about me on my birthday was he there no so why should I do this for him. today I have been to work even though I was up at 3am with a migraine somehow I still got through the day achieved a lot of stuff at work then came
    Home at lunch and just slept for two hours felt nice just to sleep and not think about anyone else, I feel poorly tonight suffer with really bad migraines through stress but I still managed to get to work, the thought was there to not go but I try my best not to let it affect my job also just planned a night out this weekend with my work colleagues so something to look forward to , I did read the codependent article was very interesting I can definelty see me as that person
    Hope you had a great day
  • @changeyourself and @eallen... I just want you to know how great it is to see you conversing and sharing your thoughts and insights with each other. That's what this community is all about, and I'm glad both of you are a part of it.

    Hope you both have a fantastic evening and rest of the week!
  • @DeaD,

    This community for me feels like home ! I really appreciate what I can find here as support and all of you are great !

    Thank you for this opportunity to share !

  • @eallen,

    It surely is not easy to shift your focus and concentrate on you right away but it can happen with time.And that's what we need to do,start doing our part of the work on the path to healing our inner self and growing and improving.It's not easy for me to do it,either.I often think whether I am being selfish for wanting to put my needs first.But I try to push that thought away and convince myself that if I should be comfortable and take care of me first in order to be able to take care of other people .If we are a mess for most of the time,in a state of emotional turmoil,we can't think clearly or make sound decisions.

    Co-dependent people need to learn to appreciate themselves first because in many cases we spend a lot of time and give a lot of energy to taking care of other people's needs and nothing is left for us.Then we feel empty and unhappy.Because we have nothing left to give and others haven't even noticed what we have done for them.And keep taking advantage of it!

    I think I can understand how you feel - maybe like you don't know what to do with your time and thoughts at first!You are so used to being in charge of your own life and even feel useless,kind of. It's common to think in such a situation that "if I had only done thia or that or something else,things would have been different".And this kind of thinking can keep you stuck because, the reality is ,no matter how hard you tried,this was not your fault.This was part of a behaviour where you felt responsible for other people and constantly try to help or fix them.Very often you can end up in several problematic relationships because you have n't changed your priorities and shifted your focus,that's why you attract the same kind of unhealthy individuals.

    BTW,I read somewhere that co-dependents can become addcited to addicts,meaning you become addicted to taking care of the addict,he/she becomes your drug of choice and when you break up,you very much go through the same symptoms as with withdrawal from substance abuse. Your migraines and the feeling of distress can be a direct result from this,you can't stop thinking about the same things...It's good you have planned something with co-workers,it will help you distract from negative thoughts!

    I  heard in a video a person has to try to re-direct their thoughts in a more positive direction.It is advisable that we do something enjoyable for us every day as a part of this self-care process and not constantly look at ourselves as a failure - cycling ,jogging,swimmimg,going for a walk,cooking something nice ,going to a massage,drawing ,reading a book -whatever brings you pleasure! Watching comedies can be a good way of uplifting you,bringing a smile to your face - it's another suggestion I heard in a video. 

    Hope you are feeling better today,take care

  • @dominica,

    Thanks! :) Coming from experience and self-education.

  • @dominica,

    I think your posts are very insightful and in some cases my thoughts on  an issue are quite similar to yours.I guess  similar experiences lead  us to the same insights about people and life!  :)

  • Thanks @DeanD this forum has helped me so
    Much just hearing other people's stories makes me feel I'm
    Not so alone , I'm still fighting , six weeks now this time I believe I won't go back and I'm proud I've done it starting to feel a bit happier everyday that comes
  • @changeyourself great advice, yes codependency definelty makes you feel addicted to ones behaviour many times I became addicted to him and what he was doing I used to think I was crazy yet I wasn't I just was helping the man I love becoming Addicted to his life and ensuring he had drugs to make
    Him well I put myself in situations that I wish I hadn't , I never agreed with what he was going I was forced to believe if I helped or would be the last time it became a circle of thinking yes finally he's stopping to emotional upset that he won't. Today Im off work and I'm just relaxing enjoying my day to myself also went out last night was nice to get out normally I would sit in alone and be miserable so I got up and went out. Looking forward to seeing my children in a couple hours and having a nice evening with them
    Starting to feel happier in myself day by day I can see the change in me and less and less I'm thinking of him I still have moments of sadness and tears but i learnt from my councillor a year ago allow a time in the day to think about the sadness but don't think about it anytime of the day so that's what I'm doing every evening I have time where I think about everything that happened then I let it go hopefully as time goes on I won't need
    To do that each day I guess small steps and il get there
  • @eallen... Six weeks!!! And feeling happier every day!!! Look at you!!! You're doing this!!! I'm soooooooooo proud of you!!! :)
  • @eallen YAY! So happy to read this! you are doing great!! :) 
  • @eallen,

    I am so happy to hear you are feeling better now!!!I can tell from your post,too that you sound more relaxed and enjoying life ,just enjoying the simple things every day!I'd say this is advice (from your counsellor) which I have read in many people's posts,it's oviously an often-recommended piece of advice - spend a particular amount of time on a thought (decide how much time you are going to spend on it) and then,when the time is up, re-direct your thought to something else,a more enjoyable thought!I'm so happy for you!

    Don't give control over your own life to other people!We should be in control of our own life - not seek outside validation!I'm sure there are other things that you want to accomplish ,goals to achieve,so don't look back,only forward into the future and ,day by day,things will happen in your life that bring you more joy and happiness!

    I have been here almost every day for some time now,I find it very comforting and a way to not feel isolated so much.I read other people's posts,try to share my thoughts and encourage them and am always happy when I see them making progress and sounding more self-confident!This is the right way for us - doing this together and sharing both our happy (and not so happy ) moments. :)

    Good luck and keep in touch

  • Thankyou @Dominica things are definitely looking more positive
  • Thinking of you today, @eallen. Glad you're feeling great and hope you have a wonderful weekend!!! :)
  • Thankyou @DeanD I've had a good weekend had one little moment of sadness but kept busy and did things for me
  • Thankyou @changeyourself had a good weekend kept busy and did things for me . I am starting to feel stronger and much more confident in myself. Have realised life can go on even if it's not with the person you thought would be your future , got another busy week ahead of me so I'm going keep on going and think
    Positive thanks for your kindness hope your ok
  • You rock, @eallen! Keeping busy and doing things for YOU...What a wonderful way to work through the sadness! I'm so proud of you!! :)
  • @eallen,

    I am so happy for you! :) This is the way to go!Keep up the good things that  cheer you up and the rest will take care of itself with time. ! You can do it ! !will tell it time and again - we ARE stronger than we think!We just need to acknowledge that strength and use it for a better future,both for us and our children.I know the feeling of being addicted to a person ( although my son's father was not addicted to substances,still the feeling you need somebody else to complete you is the same,I believe),thinking you can't survive without him and feeling so depressed that you don't even want to be around other people,let alone talk to them.But this can only isolate you more.

    I think we,as codependent people, become so used to taking care of othes that ,when left alone,we don't know what to do with our daily routine.We are not used to doing the things we like and  suddenly appear to be in a kind of vaccuum which we don't know how to fill So,I'd say this -why don't we spend this time the way we want to,on doing the things we didn't have enough time before?Let's think of ourselves first for a change!And if people tell you that you are being selfish for doing this ,here is another good idea I heard in a video "It's not selfish to put yourself first because this is the only way you can take care of other people ,too."I totally agree - if you are feeling miserable most of the time  ,you are not doing a favour to you,but then you are not capable of giving quality time or advice to other people ,either.You cannot think straight when you are under stress!

    I try to go on with my everyday life and  (though at times I  am still struggling ) I make an effort to  find pleasure in simple things - for example,I sometimes buy and cook fresh trout.Then I make potato salad  to go with the fish and I sprinkle the salad with fresh parsley and chopped spring onions and put some dressing on it - and then,after tasting all of this I say to myself : "Wow,this is so nice!It really tastes delicious!It's such a pleasant feeling!Why should I be sad or ungrateful when I have a moment like this ,something so enjoyable!"And so,this cheers me up.

    In the summer I go to the beach and sunbathe and swim in the warm sea and again think:"How wonderful this is - feeling the warm sand under your feet,people all around you ,sunbeds ,sunshades,ice-cream,everything busy with life!What is there to be sad about ?"Some people may find this silly,I don't know but for me,it helps me to relax and enjoy the moment,not always planning ahead and forgetting to live in the moment. We are sometimes so focussed on our own thoughts and problems that we forget to look around  and see all the good things that surround us and can help us in our healing process.:)

    I wish you many more wonderful days and weekends!The next day will be better than the previous one!If you need a place to share happy and not so happy experiences,you can keep posting here and know that you are not alone in your struggle!A lot of us have experienced what you have experienced!

    I am doing fine!Thank you for asking!I just relaxed over the weekend,listened to some music and watched some videos online and read some posts on this site - here it's sunny and hot ,almost like the middle of the summer and I also tried to prepare for the first working day of the school year.Here it started last week.I teach a class of twenty -six students ,8th grade.But though I didn't go out with other people,I didn't feel lonely!:)

    Wishing you all the best

    Take care and keep in touch:)

  • @changeyourself... It sounds like you're doing great, too. So happy to hear that you had a nice, relaxing weekend. Also, bless you for the work you do as a teacher. Teachers are the best!!!! :)
  • @DeanD,

    Thank you!!! It warms my heart to hear your opinion of teachers!:) I really enjoy my job! Students are great fun to work with ! They can surprise you with all kinds of ideas ( and tricks sometimes)!And guess what I teach ? ......Yes,you are right,I teach ENGLISH !!! :)

Sign In or Register to comment.