Break up from addict partner

dominica

@eallen hey there. thanks for sharing. i'm sorry you are struggling so much.  while i know it hurts like heck, leaving him was in your (and his) best interest... 

i know you love him..and it's good that you've had no contact for a week now. i encourage you to keep no contact...and i assure you that it will get easier. 

i saw a video by iyanla recently that addressed some aspects of this. she talks about how to leave a relationship... but what i like about her is that she encourages you to focus on YOU....best you can during this time. if the season is over (and it is), you can do your best to let him go and remember that YOU can have a good life. you deserve that....

here is a link to the video..

i remember leaving a relationship too and it was so hard...but i knew deep in my heart it was the best for both of us...and now, years later, i am so glad that ties were cut....  didn't make me a bad person... or wrong...it was necessary..

we are here anytime.

DeanD

@eallen... I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I know it isn't easy for you right now, but Dominica is right: It will get easier.

You have to remember that YOUR life matters, too. You deserve to live a happy and healthy life--both physically and emotionally--and you weren't able to do that with your partner. No matter how much you love him, you have to do what's best for YOU.

We are here for you, my friend. If you need help, support, advice, or just a place to vent, you can come here and lean on us. Anytime. You are not alone.

I'm sending you tons of love, light, and hope. And big hugs, too, because I know you deserve them.

eallen

Thankyou for your support @DeanD @dominica I'm going to have to stay strong even though my heart tells me to run back it hurts like crazy life seems so lonely without him

dominica

@eallen i do know that feeling. it took me years to make the final break in a relationship.... there was love, but it wasn't healthy...and it felt lonely too. for sure.... but take this season to grow...to focus on you...to heal.... i promise you... in time..it WILL get easier...

eallen

@dominica thankyou great video link so very true I know we can't be together just so heartbreaking how drugs can change someone so much never knew how bad addiction was it's a while different world to what I know I will keep going and stay strong thankyou

babygirl0520

you are definitely not alone. im dealing with the same situation. i see his disease it runs him. he is strong and masters it most of the time. but i feel as though this battle will never end and i want to leave. to save myself. but how does one do that? how do you leave the person you love?

eallen

@babygirl0520 I know it is so hard I've stayed with him for two years and watched him use drugs, I've drive around night after night looking for him, he's crashed his car several times , tried to commit suicide in front of me, he's robbed people he's done awful things he looks nothing like the man he once was I stayed to try and help I thought I could stop
Him and I finally realised even if he does stop and get clean I don't trust him and I have two kids a good job I can't let him ruin that 8 days in no contact I just hope I get better in time hope you manage to sort things out yourself I know how hard it is

eallen

I just don't think I can do this , I have no life without him it's so hard

dominica

@eallen  it is hard...for sure... it's lonely and painful and feels like your heart might break.

i feel for you because i have been there....

bu ti do encourage you to hold on...and do your darndest to focus on you. are you feeding your spirit daily?? reading? watching youtube videos that will encourage you? the battle is in your mind, so be sure to invest good things there.

what are you up to tonight??

eallen

I haven't been up to much as been really poorly which doesn't help just doing nothing x

DeanD

@eallen... I know it's hard. Change of any kind is hard, and this is a huge change. Just remember that you are the most important person in your life. And you deserve to live a life that's free from the pain you've been enduring. Believe it or not, there is a life out there for you. You just have to have faith that if you leap, the net will appear.

Sending you lots of love and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. We are here for you, my friend. 

eallen

Thankyou @DeanD I am trying so hard I have to keep going for me

Amyeverett

I broke up with my boyfriend 3 weeks ago he is an addict lies and eveything he finally went to rehab promised we would get married start a new life he came home from rehab disappeared and used again totalled his new truck ended up in jail was hateful to me and almost died the whole thing makes no sense I left him for good he is back in rehab he called me the first week every day I did not answer now the calls have stopped . I feel so much anger . Are they ever even sorry for what they do did they ever love us when all they do is lie ? I’m glad I left for good but I can’t help but ask these questions

JoshuaShea

@Amyeverett You need to understand that his illness is not about you. Yes, it probably had effects on you more than anyone, but it wasn't about you. He also probably didn't want to total his truck or use again, but addiction is a sinister thing. I would bet anything that he's very sorry for what has happened, but at this point, even if he said it, would you believe it? If leaving was the smart thing for you to do, congrats, many never find the strength. You may want to find a professional therapist or counselor to talk to about this. You clearly have some strong feelings that you may feel better if you worked through with some guidance. Good luck.

eallen

Hi @Amyeverett I have just seen your post, and I think personally looking back for me when I left over 8 months ago I generally don’t think they mean to do it, but i feel its worse for us as their partner it completely changed me as a person I still go through days of anger and sadness and wish it never happened kick myself for staying so long but I left and I’m proud I did I couldn’t live that life and it is so sad I still see my ex around occasionally but I don’t regret leaving now I’m rebuilding my life it’s going take a long time but at least now everyday I don’t have to sit and worry about if he is alive or not , believe me I feel so angry but I have to realise he didn’t mean it he’s an addict unfortunately drugs are much more powerful my advice is stay strong don’t go back even if he says he will stop he won’t and do you really want to worry everyday if he is using or not the amount of times I’d look into his eyes and known he had used and he would scream and shout he hadn’t then I felt like I was going crazy
Work on you and I promise in time you will feel better take care of you you are important

eallen

And I think yes they do love you but in the end they use you and manipulate you that’s what addicts do unfortunately they love drugs much more which is very sad

DeanD

@Amyeverett... I'm sorry that our boyfriend's addiction caused you to break up with him, but it's likely that this is probably the best thing for you. At least at this point. You have to remember that your life matters, too, and if his addiction is preventing you from living a happy, satisfying life, you have every right to walk away.

I don't think people who struggle with addiction set out to intentionally hurt the people they love. I think it's just fallout from the disease. Addicts are great at lying and manipulating; anything to keep their habit alive. Addiction creates very selfish people, for sure.

Likek @eallen said, keep working on YOU and things will get better. And remember what Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach us about a loved one's addiction: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

We're here for you to lean on anytime you need us.

Mermaid8

Hi...I am new to this forum. I have been in a relationship with a bipolar alcoholic/addict off and on for over 6 years. After a few attempts at failed tough love, I went completely no contact a month and a week ago. He last tried reaching out 19 days ago with the last message being mad. I would get promises and heart to hearts from "L" saying he would get help and change to no avail. I was tired of him choosing partying over us. I couldn't stand by why he continues to self destruct as I have done many times before. I am in love with him and miss him every day. It hurts like hell, but I know he needs the gift of desperation and to seek help on his own. I have done everything I can. This is so hard.

Drained1

@Mermaid8 hello and welcome to this community. I am completely aware of how you feel and how hard it is. I have been through all that you mentioned very recently myself. After 6 years of being with my husband I had to stick to my decision that I could no longer continue going in his vicious circle. I have a few posts on here but the rundown of everything from the separation to now is in the post "I Have Been Shaken" I'll paste the link below. Please know that you are doing what is best for YOU and that is huge!!! I have a TPO against my husband and he STILL continued to reach out by every means possible. Right now I am going through this eerily quiet calm where I have not heard from him since 10/10/18. Part of me is thankful for the silence and the break from the emotional stress. But the other part of me is in a way missing that connection. Please reach out as often as you need and know that this community is like a family!!!

https://www.recovery.org/forums/discussion/comment/80696#Comment_80696

dominica

@Mermaid8 Hello and welcome. Thank you for reaching out. I'm sure it has been challenging, but it sounds like this was necessary for you. It sounds like you've had enough of believing for him to make the consistent changes that he needs to make. Good for you for standing up for yourself, even though it hurts.

I hope he will take this opportunity to work on himself...

This is a safe Community for you to come and share anytime. There are others who are in similar circumstances or have been in the past. We will support and encourage you however we can. Again, we welcome you and thank you for sharing.

DeanD

@Mermaid8... Welcome to the community. I'm proud of you for coming here and posting, and for having the courage to do what's best for YOU. Always remember that YOUR life is the most important one. And it's the only life you have complete control over, too.

We are here to help, support, and listen to you. Please don't hesitate to reach out anytime you feel the need, even if it's just to vent. And definitely check out the thread that @Drained1 shared with you. She is our own resident "Wonder Woman" who has come soooooo far in the few months she's been here.

Sending you love, light, hope, and encouragement. Take good care of yourself. You deserve it!

eallen

Hey
Everyone haven’t been on here for such a long time unfortunately my ex came out of rehab and completely got into my head again with calls and texts and bumping into him I’ve been lower than I ever have felt before I’m not going back he just doesn’t seem to want to accept that
I’m now just a nervous anxious wreck all the time trying to move on just stuck in this life of depression just feel like it’s never going end can’t seem to function at all just wish every day away and hope I wake up forgetting all the bad things in my past
Hope everyone is well

tiredmom

Hello @eallen I'm not really familiar with your story, but it sounds like you are having a hard time. From what I have read it seems as if you left a boyfriend due to his drug issues and struggled with that. So how long have you been apart and what is the cause of your depression. Is it him? Maybe if you give a bit more information I could possibly be of some help to you. Hang in there. Stay strong and look for any positives in your life.

Drained1

@eallen I am so sorry you are going through this, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I completely understand where you are. If he continues to call/text/"bump into" you places you may want to look into a TPO. Not sure where you live, but you may want to look into it. I was ruled and controlled by my now ex-husband doing the same thing. I was in emotional turmoil. My life was chaos. There was never a moment I could just relax and be at peace. I know first hand how you feel. My ex-husband even continued to contact via email/text/facebook messenger/Instagram and any other way he could AFTER I had a signed TPO. I blocked his phone number, I blocked his email address, I blocked him on social media. He then got a texting app and could text my number from random numbers so I eventually had to get my phone number changed. He would create fake profiles on facebook to try to reach me or stalk me. I would block each one. Then his own brother reported all of the fake profiles to facebook and they were all shut down and deleted.

I say all of that to get to this point..... you DO NOT have to live YOUR LIFE like this. You have to make the choice to live in peace. You have to make the choice to not be shaken and controlled by him and his actions. I know it's easy to type those words and easy to read them but much harder to put that into action but I have done it and I assure you I am more at peace now than I have been in a very long time. It doesn't happen overnight... it is a process. It's many steps and many hard decisions to follow through with but I urge you to take those steps. Feel free to PM me if you need help or advice that you don't want to post in comments. I have been there.... he STILL tries to control my emotions but I am no longer playing along with his craziness and his mind games. I have been through complete hell with him throughout the whole year of 2018 and I refuse to give another moment to letting his actions control anything within me.

Block his number. Block any methods of communications that he has. If you "bump into" him make it clear that you want him to stay away from you and that you will pursue law enforcement's help if he can't respect your wishes. If you have to, call an officer just to discuss what's going on. I just had to do that last Friday regarding a situation with him. They are there and willing to help you.

eallen

Hi @tiredmom
I actually left him just over three years ago but we have been on and off since then I had at least a good six months away from him last year he went to rehab I thought that was the end I told him I never wanted to know if he went or if he got clean etc however the day he came out he rang me off a number I didn’t recognise, we’ve not actually been in a relationship or anything for three years just in contact or I would try and help him he drew me in to all his addict ways
Trouble is although I’m mad I am very lonely and tend to listen to true fact he loves me and he is sorry he is no longer in the town where I live but in the next town about 10 mile away I don’t actaully know where he lives but bump into him the town if I am there
He’s doing everything possible to me over the years and I really do hate him for that
I’ve had councillong I’ve been on medication
I’m just fed up with it I just want to move on with my life yet I’m completely messed up
Thanks for your comment hope you are well

eallen

@tiredmom he was a heroin addict and has been for 20 years he had a 18 month clean spell which is when I met him

eallen

Hi @drained1
Thanks for your comment
I know partly is my fault as I get into the messaging then when I drink I end up calling and shouting at him for ruining my life
I just feel so lonely that I want to have him back but I can’t do that I don’t trust him I’m on day 4 of no contact with him now and i just feel stuck I try go out meet people I just hate feeling lonely it’s all so hard I know I don’t help myself

Drained1

@eallen I completely understand the loneliness as well. I am there now myself. I miss the man I fell in love with but I have to continue to remind myself that is NOT who he has become. There are times I would LOVE to reach out to him and try to get through to him but I've learned that I am just going in circles each time I do that. I've done that with him for 6 years when he would relapse. I still love him, I always will have a special place for him in my heart and I pray daily for him but I can't move forward if I am looking back.... I can't truly find peace and cannot be healing myself if I am consumed with him. It's a daily battle trust me, but it is OH SO worth it. To be where I am right now, to have peace and to see the healing that has gone on within myself. Go out and do things... you don't have to be set on meeting someone.... go do things YOU enjoy. Do things you have always wanted to try but never did. Do things that will bring you joy. I want more than anything to have someone in my life. I haven't been alone since I was 15 years old and I'm 38 now, so trust me I understand that it's hard being alone and lonely. But by doing things for ME I've become ok with this. Start by doing one new thing a week. That's what I had to do. I had to force myself to get out. All I wanted to do was lay on my couch in the dark house and just get consumed with my thoughts, worries, memories..... I had to make myself get up and get out.

eallen

Thanks @Drained1
It is all so hard and I think I still love him and I know he’s clean but could I ever trust him again no i just would worry he will pick up again and I’d be constantly worrying where he is I know it’s best for me to move on just so tired and all the past haunts me I don’t sleep well at all I worry about everything it’s like my minds been woke up to this horrible life of addiction I just don’t trust anybody anymore it’s all so tiring
Nice to hear others have been there and feel how I do just wish I never

Drained1

@eallen I completely understand that as well... the restless nights. The desire to trust him and what is saying but knowing in your gut that you are better off without turning back. I turned back 4 times in 6 years and this time I had to give myself daily pep talks about WHY I could not turn back again. I did not want to live a life fully of worry. In the 6 years we were together, the longest period of time he stayed clean was 2.5 years... and they were wonderful years... we were perfect and thriving and happy. Then... BOOM, he relapsed. No warning signs at all this time, or if there were I missed them. That just proved to me that it would be a constant thing. Until HE chooses to seek help and find a help. But he didn't, he chose to sleep with other women, do more and more drugs and become psychotic and it all came to a head when he was involved in a head on collision that took the life of the passenger of the vehicle he hit and forever altered the driver's life physically and mentally. And you know what.... on that day I rushed to the hospital after leaving the accident site and I was going to turn back. I was going to forget everything and be there for him and support him and all that.... and I walked into the hospital to meet the woman he had been LIVING WITH for over a month. Lol... that was another confirmation I needed to keep going forward. As bad as everything hurt and as hard as everything has been I am thankful for how everything played out because I no longer live in a worried and stressed mind set.

His addiction and his choices consumed me for so long. I was so obsessed with his addiction if that makes sense. Follow your gut, it's pretty much right all the time. At least mine always was. Trust is hard to rebuild after living with an active addict. I still question what was truth and what was lies. I've found out so much.... it's like he was living a double life all of last year and possibly before from what I've learned. But, again, if you can't begin to heal and begin to trust and you stay in that dark place where you are you are letting him and his actions win. And, like my ex-husband, he isn't even having to lift a finger in the battle.....

eallen

Thanks @Drained1
It is very true I wouldn’t live without worry and that’s what scares me and like you everyday I think about what has he lied about what was true I’d like to think there never was another woman because that would kill me if he did that as far as I know he didn’t but I guess I don’t really know him over the past five years he’s lied and completely used and abused me, it is so horrible watching someone you love turn into a complete psychopath I guess he’s lived a life of addiction and only been in rehab twice now so nothing is certain he won’t go back and my family would disown me if I did take him back. I’ve just got to ride this out and stay strong and hope one day o find the right person
Thankyou for your kind words it sounds like you’ve had a really bad time to

Drained1

@eallen no need to thank me. I have been there, I'm still there on some level honestly but I am in a much better place. It gets easier once you change your mindset and you push to put YOURSELF and your sanity first. It takes time, it really does. But it comes.

eallen

I hope so I’m going stay strong

Drained1

@eallen you have plenty of support here! One day at a time

DeanD

@eallen... It's good to hear from you again, but I'm sorry it's not under better circumstances. You certainly have gone through a lot with that guy. My advice? Listen to @Drained1. She has come so far and has made such incredible progress toward becoming a brand new person. She finally decided to put herself first, and it's making a huge difference for her. I totally understand the loneliness factor, but is staying with someone who makes your life miserable a good deal of the time really worth it? I think you deserve sooooo much better! Please don't settle for less than you deserve!

We're here for you. Always. Reach out and lean on us whenever you'd like, even if it's just to vent.

Sending you love, light, and hope. Tons and tons and tons of hope.

eallen

Thanks @DeanD it means a lot

dominica

@eallen hey there. good to hear from you. i'm sorry you are so lonely... that can be an awful feeling for sure. i'm glad you have gone no contact. sure, he may help with that feeling of loneliness for a minute, but not worth it.... he's not emotionally healthy... and i don't see where any good would come about...really.

lean on us here too... we are here to listen and support you however we can.

tiredmom

@eallen I'm sorry you are having a hard time and are feeling so lonely. @Drained1 is right in that you have to push yourself to get out there and do things. Loneliness can sometimes be a mindset. At least it was that way for me. Some woman associate loneliness with a feeling if they don't have a man in their life. They could have many friends and a big family but will still feel lonely. The best thing you could do for yourself is to not worry about meeting someone at this point. Do what Drained1 says and just get out there in the world. See friends, take a walk, plan a little project around the home, invite a couple of friends over for a girls night. Find a good book to read. Start a journal and write down your feelings and why this past relationship should be laid permanently to rest. Get a haircut. Go to lunch with a friend. Anything but sitting around and dwelling on someone you love, but know wouldn't be good for you. Get some physical exercise. That can snap you out of depression if you're feeling depressed. Go to naranon meetings and make a couple of friends there who will understand. I guarantee that once you start taking care of you and stop dwelling on the past, you will feel empowered and will feel better. Once you start putting yourself out there again and are happier you will eventually meet someone new. But that is not going to happen if you are sitting around at home. As Drained1 says, do a little something every week. And if you are having trouble sleeping at night, try a relaxing bubble bath. Turn the lights down low and try some chamomile tea. It helps me. Hope you are o.k. Stay strong.

eallen

Thanks @tiredmom @dominica
I know I really do need to get out and do things for me just feel so tired all the time I’m determined to get over all this though hate feeling like this it’s been 3 years now if living like I’m on a rollercoaster ride I didn’t ever take care of myself just ran around after him all the time
I hope you are well to

Drained1

@eallen It's time to change that honey!! I did it, not for 3 years straight but for 5 on and off and all of 2018. I was keeping track of where he was, what he was doing, seeing if what he was saying made sense, watching bank accounts, watching cell phone records, watching his email, I was full on playing detective in every aspect that I could. I literally picked apart every single word out of his mouth. When we were together I was consumed with making sure I went every single place with him just to make sure he was where he said he was. It wears you down mentally, physically, emotionally.... it's exhausting. Before I made him leave, I got to that point where I was just so tired and so over it that all I wanted to do was lay on the couch or recliner or sometimes in bed. I gave up caring what he was doing because I just could not keep up. That is about the point where I found this community and what a saving grace this site and my family here have been!! I even made a post on here last year about the roller coaster ride of living with an addict. I'll post the link below. I feel you on all levels, I really do. I just hope that my experiences and what I have had to do to get to where I am can be of encouragement to you. Like @DeanD said, YOU deserve so much better. You deserve peace and joy. You deserve to live a life you love that is not based on someone else or their actions. Link below.... I posted that in July 2018, so I was in a very different place in my life but it's all very accurate.

https://www.recovery.org/forums/discussion/11307/roller-coaster-rides-living-with-an-addict#latest

dominica

@eallen i do understand the fatigue... depression... i pray you'll be able to muster up energy for radical self-care and self-love.... get some momentum going in a positive direction best as you can! even if that's to keep coming here to share

eallen

Thankyou all for your support
I went for a swim and spa at the gym after work today I did come home and lie down but after five mins I thought I’d drag myself there it was nice made me reflect on myself a bit I have realised I still have a lot of built up anger towards him and feel I have to respond to make him realise what he did to me he has completely ruined me as a person but all it does it make me upset he still thinks il take him back but I know it’s a long road of recovery for him and I all I want is a peaceful life with no worry or stress I will get there i just seem to force myself to move on when actually I need to sit back and work on me even though I am feeling lonely the hardest time is nights and weekends when my girls are with their dad I start to drink come home alone then get angry but lately I’ve not really drank and am having earlier nights just feels all I do is work and sleep these days

DeanD

Don't give him so much power, @eallen. You may THINK he's ruined your life, but that's only true if you LET him. So it's up to you to take control of your life and make it better, regardless of what he's done to you. You can choose to make things better or choose to suffer with the status quo. Don't let him win!

Sending you big hugs.

Drained1

@eallen i used to feel that my ex husband had ruined me, broken me. Then one day I said "no more!" He didn't do anything but make me STRONGER. I can look back now and see that I am stronger but also kinder. I am completely changed as a person. I am not the same person I was just months ago. I have let my experiences mold me into a better person rather than a bitter person. It's all in what YOU choose to do with what you have been through.

YAY for going to the gym to enjoy a swim and the spa! So proud of you for taking that step!! Keep it up...baby steps. I remember when I forced myself to go back to the gym in the midst of all the chaos in my life. I found my mind wandering but I also was able to enjoy the time doing what I enjoy and what was good for me and my sanity.

dominica

@eallen i pray you will have a huge perspective change this year... let @Drained1 be your inspiration. she has been through so much too, and is determined to use it as an opportunity to grow on all levels, and help others!! baby steps.. for sure, and sounds like you're doing this.

hugs!

DeanD

OMG. @Drained1... I love this!!!!

"I have let my experiences mold me into a better person rather than a bitter person."

Preach, girl!!!!

Drained1

Thank you both @dominica & @DeanD

@eallen how are you feeling today dear?

eallen

I know I really need to Snap out of this And get back my life kept busy at work and been doing some uni work only four months left and I’m have my ba honours degree have no idea how I have got this far but should be so happy for what I have achieved I have so much positive in my life my family friends Children my own home a job I love all that’s missing is the relationship which I desire so much to have just have to have patience and realise I can’t rush these things
Hope you are all well

Drained1

@eallen you truly do have a lot to be thankful for!!! I get the missing a relationship.... I really REALLY do cause I do too. But I know that I need time to find myself. I've had to rediscover who I am as an individual. It's scary and lonely at times. I just miss having someone to share everything with and do everything with. I've realized it's mkre that than actually missing HIM and all the chaos that came along with him. I know one day I will find someone that will fill that void but until then I am getting used to being solo and its even enjoyable now at times. Being able to just pick up and go and do without worry. I promise it gets easier. I never thought I would get to where I am but I forced myself to see positive

dominica

@eallen relationships go better when each person is more "whole"... meaning, the more healed you are emotionally (independent, emotionally mature, etc), the more likely you will attract and connect with someone who is the same.... like @Drained1 said, taking the time to be solo, but not down in the dumps, my life sucks kind of solo.... rediscovering who you are without anyone else... healing...doing the inner healing work, and so on... it will help.

i know easier said than done. this, coming from a person who holed myself up in a small apartment years ago for almost 6 months...heartbroken and emotionally spent.... however, i knew i needed to be single for a while and do the healing work.... (and i did) but, i also had some friends rally to help me stay on that course.

glad you are here. we are here for YOU.

DeanD

@eallen... You are truly blessed with lots of wonderful things in your life. Try to focus on those. Maybe sit down and write a gratitude list. And when you start to feel empty or alone, look at that list. I know getting over the relationship is hard. And it's okay to grieve. But I know you will eventually move on and find better things. Things that you so richly deserve.

Happy Friday, my friend! Enjoy your day and weekend! Remember: You are BLESSED!

eallen

Thankyou all I will continue my journey to happiness I know one day I will get there having a nice relaxing weekend as I’m physically exhausted just let along one day at a time x

tiredmom

I think the suggestion of writing the gratitude list is a good one @eallen Any kind of writing can be great therapy. Hope you enjoy your weekend.

DeanD

It's okay to rest, @eallen. That is part of self-care. If your body needs a break, let it be lazy and rest up over the weekend. You deserve it!

Vicbrenan

@eallen I hope you feel better soon! I know it is so hard. I’ve never had a partner addicted to heroin, but I’ve been in abusive relationships and relationships with people with other mental health issues and addictions and I know how hard it is to leave. And I know how hard it is to miss the good things you had with that person. You feel isolated and like a piece of you is now missing.

It does get easier. Focus on the positives in your life, spend time with friends, rest when you need to. Time does make it easier.

dominica

@Vicbrenan great advice!! i hope you're doing well!

Drained1

@eallen How was your weekend?

@Vicbrenan you statement "And I know how hard it is to miss the good things you had with that person. You feel isolated and like a piece of you is now missing." Gosh.... I can SOOOOO relate to this!! And you are right, it does get easier. Great advice!

DeanD

Check in with us when you get a chance, @eallen. We would love to know how you're doing. We're here. And we care.

eallen

Hi thanks @DeanD I am ok had a chilled weekend met up with some friends to feeling tired still but hanging in there
Back at uni today lots of work to focus on very overwhelming but know I will complete it keeps my mind busy and back to work for the rest of the week feeling lonely this evening though but enjoying the quietness I guess
Hope you are well x

eallen

Thankyou all for your kindness and advice it sure is all so hard it’s been three years now of on and off feels kind of odd now not living in that world I used to just worry about him rather than me now i can just relax and not have the worry
Although when I do try relax my mind wonders but I am so much stronger than I was last year have my moments but trying to move on I’ve been on so many dates with me and just stress about finding love but now I don’t have the energy for that so I’m just going sit back and wait I’m sure one day il meet someone but for now il just enjoy the single life I guess still absolutely exhausted but dragging myself up to do things not sure how I get through the day somedays it’s hard to go to work but I’m determined he won’t ruin anything else in my life nomore
Hope everyone is well x

Drained1

@eallen you are doing great!!! Hang in there honey, it's going to get better. My ex has been gone since July. Our divorce was final in November and I have not gone on the first date or talked to anyone. There are times when I wonder if I will find someone else but I am just living my life now without stressing over having someone else involved in my life. If someone comes along that would be great!!! But....until then I am fine alone. Going on new adventures, doing new things.

I am so proud of you! Keep your chin up xoxo

Haskie09

@eallen I read your posts and want to say congrats to your rebuilding. I was in a toxic relationship as well for 6.5 years. Although to this day I don't know for sure how long he was using, just that he did use before, he tried to get his life back together, then we met in early 2011, and late 2017 I packed myself and our son up and left him.

I like to explain my decision to completely let him go with an analogy. The years I spent holding on to him and trying to help him was like holding his hand while he happily dangled off a cliff. As the situation got worse and worse; it was like weights from the gym were added to his feet and he got heavier and heavier. Sooner or later, both myself and our son would be pulled over the edge with him. So I had to choose to let go to save myself and our son. The moment I let go he'd be on his own. He could either let himself fall to the bottom or grab on to the cliff and pull himself up. HE had to make the choice.

Another thing I should point out, is that I let him go with forgiveness. I don't know what religion youre with so I'll talk about forgiveness in a general sense. WHen he was on drugs he was a completely different person. Sure the drugs turned him into a stranger. But I had to remind myself that even though the drugs made him a horrible person, he still chose to take them. I forgave his choices so I could not hate him. Why?
If I chose to hate him, I'd would unknowingly take out that anger on our son. If I decided to HATE him, every picture of him and our son would've been deleted or shredded. If my son asked me about his father, what response would I give him? Every memory of him would bring out my hate for him. Every reminder would've caused my stomach to turn inside out, my mind race, and my heart beat faster with anger. I already had enough of that.
When I forgave him, I no longer loved him but I also did not hate him. I chose to be an example for my son and show him that I still cared for his father.

I'm sorry that this is such a long post but I wanted to tell you that his life is not your orchestra. You do what you have to do for you so you can be a great mother for your children. Here is another analogy: a car cannot do what it was built to do without maintenance. You cannot do what you CAN do if you don't take care of yourself.
Blessed be.

Drained1

@Haskie09 YESSSSSSS!!!!!! What a perfect post. Thank you for sharing, I've done the same things... the letting go and the forgiveness.

DeanD

Love your post and your analogies, @Haskie09. Thanks so much for offering up your insight and wisdom. We appreciate you!

eallen

Thanks @Haskie09
Thankfully my children are not his so I did not have that to worry about , but I do feel so much hatred towards him for the way he was with my children I would leave him with them unknown that he was using for months I never saw the signs as I did not the life of a heroin user back then I guess it drew me into a completely different world which I never knew
Now I suffer with major anxiety and worry about everything the worst possible thing that could happen to people Or myself
I’ve realised now that it is only me that can do this now I need to fight for what I deserve it hurts me that he got clean when it was to late for me
But guess that was always likely to happen I regret sticking by him for so long but now just am relieved of not having to worry about him
I guess il get there one day
Thankyou hope you are well

DeanD

Thinking of you today, @eallen. Sending you lots of love and light. And hugs, too.

And yes, you're right: You need to fight for what you deserve. Always.

dominica

You Will certainly get THERE one day!! Keep the faith!

eallen

Hi thankyou all your support means a lot
I am so glad it’s the weekend I am starting to feel a little better the longer the no contact has been
It’s definitely better as I don’t think so much about it then
Can concentrate on me a bit more still really tired and little energy but no tears this week so that’s a miracle in its self it’s hard when friends and family think your ok but all you want to do is scream out loud but it’s hard as no one knows about any of the recent things because if I told them they would go mad at me sometimes I feel like I can’t do what I want to do like everyone’s opinions affect my life all I want to do is be free and do what I want and not have to explain to people why I’ve made my choices
Hope you all have a great weekend x

tiredmom

This will seem like an odd analogy @eallen , but when I think about an addict boyfriend in a woman's life, and she is miserable because of everything she had to go through, she hurts and has pain, I can't help thinking like they are causing a horrible miserable rash. So say you get a terrible rash from eating something you are allergic to, and it makes you miserable. Would you continue to eat that food, or would you cut it out completely? You know the answer. So the longer you are away, you will start to feel better. I hope you enjoy your weekend and feel better every day as time goes on.

DeanD

Happy weekend, @eallen!

Haskie09

@eallen You are very welcome. During my process of rebuilding, I also discovered another way I can help myself is to help others. From time to time I come back here and see if there is someone I can help even just a little. Maybe there is some way you can help others too. Blessed be.

DeanD

Happy "Little Friday," @eallen. I hope you're having a good week. Thinking of you.

eallen

Thankyou @DeanD
I haven’t been feeling that great been poorly but much better now I’m ok starting to think positive at the moment things are slowly looking up for the future long may it continue
Hope you are well x

DeanD

I hope things continue to look up for you, @eallen. Think positive!

eallen

Thanks @DeanD
One day I feel positive the next it’s gone... just a hard journey I am used to it now just praying for my happiness really poorly again and been in bed another set back but il keep fighting
Happy Friday

DeanD

Never give up, @eallen. You are worth it! And remember that we're always here to help raise you up if you need it.

Happy Friday to you, too!!!

eallen

Hi all haven’t been on here for a while.
About five weeks ago things finally came to an end with my ex we kept going round in circles he would contact me I would react then one night I had a few to drink and he called I told him I had been in relationships over the past few years since we spilt he reacted ok and said he new I probably had so a few days later i got another call and that was the end he turned it all on me and was so vile to me in the end I swore at him and hung up since then I blocked all contact and he blocked me on social media, I must say I am glad I told him but was hurt as he said some pretty awful stuff but what was I suppose to do sit around for years and not move on so five weeks on no contact and it is the best feeling yes he prob was hurt but then I’m not going blame myself I now have a lovely partner who happens to be my first boyfriend from when I was 16 he treats me so nice I am happy unfortunately though still have the sleepless nights and the nightmares I’ve been very poorly for the past two weeks not sure why just very run down from work and general life I guess am just glad things finally came to a head life is tough I know just have a good feeling about my future now
Hope everyone is well

DeanD

While I'm sorry you had to go through that episode, @eallen, I'm really glad to hear that you are now in a relationship that makes you happy. How wonderful! You deserve to be treated nicely and loved!

No contact with your ex is a very good thing. It will help you to move forward. I hope you're feeling better soon, and keep thinking positive about your future. There are fabulous things to come for you!

Thanks for coming by and updating us. It was lovely to hear from you!

dominica

@eallen thank you for the update. i'm sorry you've been going through some sleepless nights... it may take a while to fully release some of the feelings associated with the break up... nurture yourself best as you can.... and yes, enjoy this new relationship. you do deserve this joy and peace!!!

tiredmom

I'm sorry you had to go through this. It's good that you feel things finally came to a head and I hope you can completely move on from him now. You say you haven't really been in the relationship for years and honestly I find it a little bit bizarre that he occasionally contacts you and then you go around and around with him. after all this time. I completely understand though, because these people have a way of getting to us with their narcissistic bullshit and then we feel we need to defend ourselves. This man was never good for you or your children and it seems he caused you enough emotional damage. He has a lot of nerve to contact you, question you, or anything else for that matter! He is a toxic person who should not still be having any effect on your life whatsoever at this point. I'm glad you blocked him and I hope you are done with him. There is something terribly wrong with this guy. What does he think you would be doing for the past couple of years? His attitude and thinking isn't even rational. This man is like a poison to you and the best thing you could do is forget he even existed. Keeping ANY kind of contact or not fully moving forward from that relationship will only keep you stuck in an emotional place you don't need to be in. It's good you have someone else who treats you well. Forget that loser because that is what he is. I can't help but to feel that the relationship you had with him has somehow traumatized you? Keeping any type of contact is only going to bring up bad feelings and have an effect on you whether they are conscious thoughts/feelings or unconscious feelings. You cannot fully heal until you completely let go. I think that once you do this, you will start to feel better and sleep better. In the meantime, try some chamomile tea in the evening or get some melatonin gummies. They are delicious and seem to help me when needed. You need to remember all the reasons he was not good for you and then take that and use it to stay strong so you can have a better life and a life that brings you internal peace and not emotional turmoil. I know you can do this! I hope you are having a good day.

eallen

Thanks @dean d and @Dominica for your comments think I need plenty of rest and time to relax to get back to where I need to be
I’m sure I will get there xx

eallen

Thanks @tiredmom
I think the reason we’ve been like this over the years is although we broke up he had this way of manipulating me into doing things for him still and wouldn’t let me go I was scared and afraid to be alone and scared of what he may be capable of, it would always be wanting money or a lift if I didn’t he said he would kill himself or harm other people he was breaking into houses stealing from people I felt trapped and also obviously still loved him and didn’t want him hurt he had no family so I felt responsible sometimes months would go by then he would appear from somewhere or I’d hear that he was on the streets never let him in my home just tried to save him I guess unfortunately I held in for to long and emotionally drained myself now I have sleepless nights and nightmares he doesn’t live in my town no more but is only 20 minutes away but this is the first time in years where I am actually glad he’s blocked me and I know in my heart I’m done I’m to emotionally drained to go back there so yes guess it’s partly my fault to for being stupid in helping him somehow he just got to me and now I see he was emotionally abusing me and mentally
Hope you are well

tiredmom

imI completely understand how you could have been manipulated @Vicbrenan . They can be master manipulators and know exactly the thing to say to get us to do their bidding. You have to keep it in your head that it is not that this guy doesn't want to let YOU go. He doesn't want to lose someone he can manipulate and come to in times of HIS own need. He is a user and nothing more. I know you probably cared about him, but how much of your own wellbeing are you willing to give up for him? He doesn't seem to care about you, only what you can do for him and he plays on the fact you have some fears of being alone and uses it to his advantage. You need to put him completely out of your life and mind. He is not your responsibility and whatever he does or doesn't do is not on you, but himself. The only responsibility a woman has is to herself and children. He sounds like a horrible person to make threats to harm himself or others just to get what he wants. You said you are glad he blocked you, but I think you have to take control of your own life and you need to block him. And mean it! For good. It's terribly unhealthy for you to continue on with this man in any type of way. I can see that the relationship has really had an effect on you and I think you have been traumatized and are still suffering from it. I'm thinking a therapist would be a good idea to help you get past it. It really does help. You have to be the one to stop interacting with him when he contacts you. YOU have to own your own power. Once you stop letting him and his problems have power over you, you will begin to heal and feel better. I've been through what you are going through and I know what helps and what does not. You have been very strong so far and been through alot. I know you can do this. It's not easy, but it is worth it. Stop giving this person anymore of your time or energy. If you have to tell him to just stop contacting you and if he persists, call the police. It's the only way to move forward into a better and healthier place.

dominica

@eallen you've learned many valuable life lessons through all this... that's a good take-away from the ordeal.

hope you had a great weekend!

eallen

Thanks @dominica
I certainly have and it’s just made me stronger
Looking forward to the future ahead of me
Hope you are well

dominica

@eallen i am doing alright! went through a bout of depression over the winter, but have come out of it.... oh, the ups and downs of life

create a beautiful future!!

DeanD

@dominica... So glad you emerged from your winter depression. Winter is depressing enough (at least up here in the north) without having real depression piled up on top of it. I hope you're on an extended "up."

Skeetermag

In at the end of my rope. My ah weaned himself off percoce t and I thought he was doing fine, but I take nights for ra very low dose and never abuse them. Well now he s stealing my pills which I have to have counted every month. I'm so angry. I don't want this kind of life anymore but I love him so much. He has some oain, I get it, but he abused them when he had his. Should I talk to the dr? Help pkease!

Skeetermag

Meant to say I take nucynta

DeanD

@Skeetermag... Welcome and thanks for sharing. If I were you, I would start by buying an inexpensive safe and locking your pills up in it. You can get one for about 30 or 40 bucks. Get one with a combination you can set, so there's no key to get lost (or for your husband to find). That's what my wife and I did when our son was stealing meds from us.

You may also want to suggest that your husband seek out some professional help from an addiction specialist or addiction counselor. It sounds like he may still have a problem.

Let us know if we can be of any help going forward. We are here to support and listen. Lean on us anytime you need to.

Skeetermag

He also took a bunch of my xanax. Am thinking of a lock box. As for him getting help he is in denial. Thx for answering me.

dominica

@Skeetermag thanks for reaching out. sorry you are having to deal with this. i think a lock box would be good, but don't be surprised if he hunts down your key... combination lock might be better

if he is in denial, then your task is to practice self-care before all else. YOU matter and having a safe and secure home...is important. set some boundaries. maybe hit a support group meeting if you need some face-to-face support... (al-anon, nar-anon)... and come here.

it's a tough space to be in, for sure. his life, his lessons, his timing... and we are pretty much powerless over them. but we do have control over us.. our life, our emotional state, our reactions, etc.

hope to keep seeing you here in the forum. sending mega positive vibes your way.