Knowing weeks in advance that finances were not going to allow me to obtain Tramadol, I "made last" of the 58 I had left. I KNEW what symptoms, chaos, and discomfort awaited. It's not my first time to run out. Night time is always the worst for me. Daytime is busy. I bought some PM meds at Walmart and started substituting one for a Tramadol ( out of 3) and it worked to help me as they became fewer and fewer in my bottle. It's May day and week three without the opioid calm. Today I am mentally unstable more than physically. It'll be a few more weeks before I am able financially able to buy more. My gut tells me I'll purchase. My heart tells me NO! Thanks for listening. 
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  • This is Monday Motivation from Rocky Mountain National Park's FB page: "Don't think too far ahead. Focus on right now. Today. What is your goal for today? One step at a time..."
    I'm thankful to have a place to share this!
  • @Goodtr8s... Welcome to the community and congrats on being opioid-free for three weeks. That's terrific! Tramadol can be a nasty drug to quit. A friend of mine spent 6 weeks in rehab after being addicted to Tramadol for a few years. 

    The longer you go without it, the better you'll start to feel. So even though your gut is telling you to buy more when you're financially able to do so, I say go with your heart and don't do it. Your life will be better in many ways if you get off of the Tramadol for good. You'll be better off physically, mentally, and financially. 

    We're here to serve up help and support anytime you need it, so don't hesitate to come back and post again. Even if you just want to vent, we'll listen...without judgment. You are not alone, my friend.

    Sending you positive, healthy vibes and tons of encouragement. 
  • Thank you, DeanD. Lots to gain if I follow my heart, for sure. Many months ago I bought from GNC Store a fine supply of vitamins for women my age, but, never took them. I've pulled them out and began the regimen about a week before no Tramadol and continue taking them daily. ANYTHING to replace the ingestion of opioids. My Higher Power seems to constantly provide an avenue...I just can't always follow through. Again, many thanks for listening!
  • @Goodtr8s hello and welcome! congrats on your clean time!! that's great! i'm super glad you are here too....great place to share and meet some good people! :) 
  • Thank you, Dominica! It's after 8pm and have had a really rough day. I'm so very glad it is almost over. I'm scared. I'm praying the Serenity Prayer as I type...
  • @Goodtr8s hello there! good morning!  thinking of you this morning and hope you are doing well..... :)
  • Thank you, dominica . One thing I've noticed about not having the "opiate calm", is that dreams have become more vivid. This morning was no exception. I'm comfortable dreaming of the loved ones I lost in 2014 (my mother, her sister, my sister, her son, my brother) I helped hospice all and the grief for one spills over to another, sometimes into a continuous blur, just like their funeral plans and such did. I've been self medicating for so long, I'm not even familiar with how grief should be handled. I've read books and articles and tried my old affirmation books...I'm open to advice.
  • Many, many moons ago I went through Rehab and counseling, but, was so "green", I didn't know what to say when in Group, someone asked me what my drug of choice was. (I had checked myself in with a deadly eating disorder which included diet pills, pain pills, any pills, purging and a little pot) I said I didn't understand "drug of choice" and someone said, "Well what was the last drug you used?" When I said, "Marijuana", they assumed THAT was my drug of choice and began beating me up about my eating habits and didn't I know that it gave one an appetite! I froze. After a few days I returned to Group, I was better understood and continued the 45 day experience. My favorite part was the collage about my family dynamics at the time...
  • @Goodtr8s hey there! regarding the grief.... i'm not too sure. i did some work via john bradshaw... he has some great youtube videos, but i think he's geared more toward healing old childhood wounds...

    sometimes when you dream about lost loved ones, that's your subconscious working out some grief in the dream time :) 
  • @Goodtr8s... You are very welcome, my dear. I am here to help and support you any way I can. So are the others. I'm super proud of you and the progress you're making. Keep doing the next right thing and I know things will be much better for you soon.

    Sending lots of love and light to you. And more encouragement than you'll know what to do with. :)
  • Thanks, DeanD. I want to believe that if I use this place as an outlet, and read the blogs, and internalize some of the stuff here, that time will pass, and something will click.
  • That's what we're here for, @Goodtr8s! Use us as much as you'd like! :)
  • Just finished reading some blogging here:
    The Parallels Between Drug Addiction and Food Addiction
    It was a good read, but, not very inspiring. Sounds like my brain is in control! (or out of control) Which is it?
  • @Goodtr8s... FWIW, there's a cool website/app out there called "Headspace." It's designed to make meditation easy and I've found it pretty helpful. The link to the website is below. You can also search the app store for their app and download it to your phone/device.

  • ...and then it hit me! How I felt. Not bitchy. Extra nice, actually...
    @DeanD and @dominica! I had a flash of ephoria, but, without the Tramadol! Almost 5 weeks have passed since I ran out of and did not obtain any! 5 weeks of vitamins and iron and vita D...some months old antidepressants and a mindset. I pray I feel this again soon!
  • Proud of the progress you're making, @Goodtr8s. :)
  • WTG @Goodtr8s That is so cool. I am glad you made it. I agree with @Deand Of course the 125 still counts. The medicine if used properly is a God send. So for you. Yes. Its still counts.
        My story is kinda long. But in a nut shell, I had 3 treatment centers. 100s of AA meetings. And a 10 year relapse. Get sober. Relapse. I COULD NOT stay sober. After everyone had given up, wife leaft. My family disowned me. My mom said I was a no good drunk. And I was all alone. One day I promised God I would go to church the next day. Sunday I woke up. Still drunk from an all night bender. I went to church falling down, stinking drunk!! And when they asked if anyone needed Jesus. I shouted me!! I came to know The Lord as Savior that day. August 19, 1996. And I was completely delivered at that moment. I have not had a single desire for a drink since that day.
      Fast forward 20 years. I was badly addicted to pain pills. For years and years. So I prayed. To be delivered yet again. But God chose NOT to quick fix me again. I had to go through the steps completely. Try to help others. And try to pass on the Word. And after many many tries, I got clean. And after a while, not sure how long, months for sure, I noticed the desire was gone. And it came from worring and trying to give away what I had been given.
     So please know, I am not preaching!! That is simply my story. So keep doing what you are doing. Try to pass on the joy of being clean. And one day, you too will look back, and say. "Its finally gone" Praise be to my Higher Power. 
  • @Goodtr8s glad your surgery is done and you have taken your meds as prescribed! that's a good thing! yes, your clean time still counts!

    and that's worthy of celebrating!!!

    keep going!! :)

    so glad you are on the Freedom Train!!

  • @Goodtr8s Good for you. And yes. We will add a recovery car for you. It is like @deand said. Comfortable. And secure. Like a mothers hug. I hope you continue to heal. There are a few visitors chairs in the recovery car. So we can come and visit. Plus a nice window you can see the sights as we roll on to Freedom. Because.... pills suck big ole rotten smelly ostrich eggs... and addiction can bite it!!
  • Hey guys,

    I just want you to know that even though I may not post as often as I did during the summer holidays,I think of you every day and I support you in your daily victories over the addiction ! Even if I haven't posted for a while, know that I have not forgotten your struggles and  I wish you all well !

    Always keep going on your recovery journey

  • @DeanD,
    Thanks,me too! :)By the way,I saw the short video you did a while ago on the topic of relapse.I enjoyed watching it and I think, if you wonder whether you should do it more often or whether it will be useful for people,it's not a bad idea for you to do more of those,if you feel like doing them.It makes things more personal when you see and hear the person who you are sharing your deepest thoughts with,at least for me this is so...,it"s somehow more reassuring...
    Hope you are doing ok and have a nice week :)

  • @dominica,

    I really appreciate being a part of this community! I found the validation I needed here and ,though,I am not a therapist and sometimes wonder whether my advice will do more harm than good,I want to  share what I have been through,maybe make others see similar experiences to theirs and relate to them.  I sometimes am in two minds as to whether to say something or not,what words to use so as not not be misinterpreted by the people who read my post and make them uncomfortable but anyway....It means so much to me to know that my words can actually  cheer some people up,it feels good :) 

    Thanks for the wishes ,you are doing a great job with this site !


  • @changeyourself, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words! You have so much wisdom to impart here on the forum and the kinds of things you say are always on point. 
    I really liked what you said about my being able to see other family members in a different light this year at the reunion! Again, you are spot on! It was fabulous! 
    Recovering from my surgery has gone great! My daughters came down to help out and I couldn't have been more proud! Having company HAS kept me from the computer, though, I haven't thanked everyone properly for support and encouragement during a time that could have gone very badly for me.  @DeanD, @tommy, @dominica...thanks you guys for believing in me. Like @changeyourelf has said, this group keeps me inspired. I'm ready for another trip on the Freedom Train and I can park the nice recovery car that @Deand and @Tommy set up for me! YAY!
  • The day passed quick enough...I hate evenings and nights! Looks like extra food was my go to today. God, help if food becomes my enemy again! :- (
  • @Goodtr8s i think the  is out of control and in control .... i've taken up meditating deal with thoughts... trying to commit to it daily. it's been helping some... but still have a ways..
  • Thank you @dominica. I've never meditated to any degree. @DeanD says we have to re-train our brain. I'm sure meditation could be integral. I've been really snappy with my family, too. Drug dreams and urges prevail. 
  • @Goodtr8s hope you are doing well! thinking of you!
  • Thanks, @dominica! Didn't have as great a day. Missing my mother and feeling needy! I'm working on some meditation anything, it's gonna take practice. Still Tramadol/ opiate free, though.
  • Update: While I COULD possibly "rob Peter to pay Paul" and obtain some Tramadol, at this point I'm more concerned about our finances! Did you hear that? I'm CHOOSING not to obtain my drug of choice! For today only, but, one day at a time, eh?! I've also begun to visualize "baby steps" in other aspects of my daily. After reading the post about intrinsic and external rewards, I'm trying harder to "SEE" better. 
    I'm overeating and REALLY would rather drug than to do that.  :- (
    Thanks @DeanD and @dominica for your words of advice and ecouragement. At the end of the day, it is truly up to me...
  • @Goodtr8s yay! glad to hear that you are making that choice!! 

    you can always work on the overeating in time....but that is better than drugs...always...

    keep it up, my friend!! :) 
  • Thanks, @dominica! I had an eating disorder off and on from pre-teen through my thirties :o
    I cringe at the thought of a binge, (yet, that's what I do) it is a tough tough struggle not to purge and I'm WAY too old to start that sh**! I can just say the word "ipecac" and almost gag. That smell and taste has stayed with me for years. Looks like we are always substituting instead of ridding ourselves. Always.  :-{   Advice is always welcome!
  • @Goodtr8s addiction substitution is real for sure!!!  i find that regular meditation helps with my thought life.... and more recently, i'm finding yoga pretty powerful. i watch youtube videos and do them, but yesterday went to my first group yoga class...

    I LOVED IT!! pretty powerful stuff.  good for mind, body, spirit.

    that's what helps me.... and just continuing to educate myself on different things..

    eating healthier...and trying to stick with that. 

    we are doing day at a time!! never give up!! :) 
  • Super proud of the progress you're making, @Goodtr8s. Just keep going. :)
  • @Deand; @dominica; @Leaker; @Tommy; @TWSJ; @Ocean; @changeyourself and any others who happen to be reading...Today marks 123 solid days, guys. 123 days of no Tramadol or opiods of any kind. I feel good, physically, even though I've put on a few pounds. Fall weather is here and I've already taken a few treks in the woods. Hopefully I'll be walking with intent and purpose soon.
    There have been so may times I just KNEW daily life would feel better if I'd get something into my system for mood, to help me "play well with others" or to simply survive a situation. THOSE are the times I survived, however! I have a family reunion tomorrow, which will be the first one EVER in my adult life in which I'll be clean. I doubt anyone will notice. I functioned well that way.But, I'll know and God knows and this group believes in me...

    On Tuesday I'll have the oral surgery. 
    Of course, I'll have ibuprofen and some prescription "diclofinac" for inflammation...also, in my arsenal against pain, I plan on having some Tramodal. I survived last time without it...but, this time I'm gonna take the risk. Please keep me in positive thoughts and prayers. Thanks.
    @Ocean went through some pretty tempting times immediately after her decision to get sober. I hope I can have her due diligence to do the same!
  • @Goodtr8s
      Wow!! Good for you. 123 days surely rocks. I love what you said. "Many times I wanted something, to help me through a situation."  I have felt that many times. And when I was on Norco, I would argue with my wife. And then take pills to get past it. I [knock wood] have not done that since. LOL Maybe I created problems, so I could justify my addiction. Who knows. But I have survived many situations without pills. So I am proud.
        I know you live in Georgia. So walking in the woods in fall is great. Makes me a bit green with envy. I miss the woods. Here in Ca, there are not many trees. Hopefully I can come home in December for a week. And walk with my grandson in those north ga hills. Of course we will have a deer rifle with us. 
        Good luck next week with surgery. I will be with you in spirit. I just know you can do it!! Cause pills suck.
  • @Goodtr8s... I continue to be massively impressed with your progress. Being clean for 123 days is an amazing accomplishment. Congratulations! You don't need anything to help you play well with others, my friend. You are fine just on your own!

    Have fun at the reunion. And who cares if nobody notices that you're clean? What's important, like you said, is that YOU know!

    I'll be keeping good thoughts for you on Tuesday. I hope your surgery goes well and that the pain is minimal and easy to manage. 

    Congrats again, my friend! You're an inspiration!
  • Well, it's been 48 hours since my surgery. I did indeed have some Tramadol on hand and used it...They are gone now and I'm alternating ibuprofen and Tylenol for pain. I don't miss nor do I have a "desire" for more Tramadol. I'm glad I had them on hand...that first night was a dilly!
    I've often prayed for the actual desire for pain pills be gone. And, just because I was able to properly use them THIS time, doesn't mean I will next time. Am I proud of myself? Yes, but, I couldn't have done it alone. Thanks be to my higher power.
    Now, do my 125+ days clean and sober still count? Or do I start over...?
  • @Goodtr8s... I hope your surgery went well and that you are back to 100% ASAP. And I'm glad to hear that you have no desire for more Tramadol. You should absolutely be proud of yourself! And I'm proud of you, too!

    As far as your 125+ days clean/sober go... In my opinion, they still count. You took a prescribed medication as directed. You didn't abuse anything. You didn't obtain anything illegally. So I would say your days still count. Others my have a different opinion, but that's my two cents. 

    I'm proud of you. And I'm sending you lots of healing vibes and gentle hugs.
  • Thanks you three! @Tommy, @Deand and @dominica your feedback means a lot to me. I wish my mama was still around to hear those words @DeanD...that I used the prescription for it's purpose and nothing more. I haven't called the Dr for a refill, I haven't made anyone feel sorry for me and give me some of THEIR pills. 
    I AM still clean, @Tommy in more ways than one! 
    I can read YOUR story over and over. It may be a long one but, it's a success story non the less!
    Looks like my reasons for staying clean outweigh my excuses for using. I never thought I'd see the day. I WILL NOT forget from where I came, lest, I try to go there again!
    My surgery went very well, thank you guys. Still healing, but, I can handle that!
    Is there a car on our Freedom Train where I can continue to recover, yet, participate in the journey:??
  • @Goodtr8s... There is absolutely a car on the Freedom Train for you. One with a comfortable bed, soothing lighting, and peaceful music playing in the background. Not too loud, though, because you have to be able to hear the clickety-clack of the railroad tracks, too. That sound is so therapeutic! :)

    More healing vibes and hugs coming your way!
  • Goodtr8s,

    I haven't been the quickest to post or respond to posts for the last couple of weeks or so but this Saturday night I can try to share some thoughts... 

    I read your posts from as far back as the beginning of May(the moment you started your recovery journey) and I think you have done a great job by staying clean for 123 days (even more today,I think they are 131 now :) ) ! This is awesome and you deserve congratulations  on that ! You should be proud of yourself and I am sure there are many more days to come when you will stick to your chosen path of being clean from pills !!!  As for the surgery you went through, I hope you are doing better now,such things are not nice to go through but  when there is no other way,we can just close our eyes,take a deep breath and go for it ( I hope you don't mind my attempt at humour in this situation,it's all good feeling,no ill intention),The pain is certainly hard to cope with and you are being strong enough not to give in to "old habits".Get well soon and don't give in to negative thoughts.

    Something else I noticed in your post - you mentioned a family reunion some days ago and you being clean but maybe others not noticing...Maybe then you will start noticing things in others that you didn't before,that will be kind of funny,when you have a clear head to look around you and notice how others behave :) Just another attempt at cheering you up,otherwise I  hope you had a good time there...

    I agree with @Tommy that it's wonderful to go for a walk in the woods or the mountain, a great way to relax -the air is fresh,you feel really energised,there is such  beauty in the woods and the mountain! I live by the sea ,it's quite crowded here in the summertime with all the tourists and stuff,but even this morning I saw the sea (though it was a cloudy morning,it was so calm  ,the water looked  like  light grey crystal ) - it's worth taking the time to think for a while how  we sometimes are so overwhelmed with our daily problems ,how often times we forget to look around and see and value the beauty that surrounds us ,value the simple things that give you so much pleasure ...Excuse me if that sounds too sentimental for your liking...

    Wishing you all the best and the courage to carry on :)

  • Hey, @changeyourself... Thanks for thinking of us and supporting everyone here who is fighting addiction! We're glad you're a part of this community! :)
  • @changeyourself  hey there. sounds like you are doing great! yay!

    thank you for your kind words to everyone here at

    have a wonderful evening!
  • @changeyourself... Thank you for the compliment on my video. I really appreciate it. I hope you have a wonderful week, too. :)
  • @Goodtr8s Hey there! So good to hear from you! I'm super glad that you've recovered well from your surgery and that things are going so well for you! That completely makes my morning! There's nothing wrong with being away from the computer, that's for sure! Glad you've had some good family time!

    The Freedom Train keeps rolling along, picking up those who want in on some good times sober and clean. Hope you have an amazing Thursday! 

    Sending Big Love Your Way!
  • You are very welcome, @Goodtr8s. I'm glad you're feeling better. Andn how wonderful that your daughters came and helped you with your recovery! :)

    You always have a spot on the Freedom Train, my friend!! So happy you're part of our crew!
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