What's your biggest issue you're dealing with?

Hey everyone! Just like to get some dialogue going here in the forums...

Feel free to share what's going on in your life...

What's your biggest issue you're dealing with? 

How can we support you?

  • 194 Commentsby Likes|Date
  • Oh, man. I've got so many! LOL.

    The biggest issue I'm dealing with is probably the lack of a full-time job. I took a buyout from a company I had been with for 24 years in hopes of finding a job I could be more passionate about. My old job had gotten stale and I was ready to make a change. You only live once, and I didn't want to keep doing a job I had grown to hate just to get a paycheck and benefits.

    Well, now it's 3+ years later and I still haven't found that full-time job I was hoping for. I've applied for many jobs and interviewed for a few. I was offered one job that would've been perfect. But it would've required me to move three hours away and the pay was just too low to justify selling my house and moving my family.

    I'm hanging in there, doing some freelance work and learning to be more frugal than ever. And I keep applying for jobs I think I could be passionate about. I really want to work in the addiction/recovery field, or for a hospital. Or even in customer service. I want to do something where I feel I am helping people. I'm hoping maybe 2017 brings a job my way.

    As I told a friend the other day: I hate not having a job, but not enough to have a job I hate. ;)

    I have other issues, too, but I think this is the biggest one. I'm grateful to have a very understanding and supportive wife. :)
  • @DeanD thank you for sharing! i imagine letting go of a job you hated felt pretty darn good! good for you for following your heart on that... 

    i think there are many in your shoes... those who aren't settling for jobs they hate, i mean. feeling like a cog in a wheel, so to speak. of course, do what you have to do (frugality, freelance, etc.)... i mean, money is an energy we do need in our lives if we want to eat, have shelter, and feel some freedom. :)

    still, following your heart is commendable and i will believe with you that the perfect job (passion) for you will come this year!! 

    and bless your wife, too!! so glad she is so supportive dean!!

  • Good morning,
    What brings me here is my partner of 15 years is an alcoholic. He has been abusing me for years. I am now terminally ill and he has gotten worse. The last year he has put me in the hospital and caused me to have a miscarriage. One night he was taunting me about the loss of our baby and beating me. I snapped and fought back. I actually put him in the hospital. Still he continued to drink and be abusive. 3 weeks ago a friend was staying with us and witnessed his behavior. He taped him and my partner hit rock bottom and went into a recovery program. He has been detoxing for 2 weeks and his anger, verbal abuse are worse. He hasn't hit me but he still pushes me and AND man handles me. The more I do as he wishes the worse he gets. Now he says it is my fault he drinks because I am too perfect and imassculate him. I have my masters. I am an RN. I have been the sole financial support for most of our life together and I have been the one to purchase everything we own and pay all the bills. I have never been a drinker nor to I do drugs. My life has always revolved around being a nurse. He has been throwing me out every other day. I have been sleeping in my car. I am now staying with a family member. I want to support him and help him be the person he is when he is not drinking. He says he hates me and wants me out of his life. I can't understand I reinvented myself everyday to make sure I don't upset him but nothing is good enough. I need treatment badly because my widow for remission is closing. He won't allow me to get treatment without punishing me for taking time away from him? Where do I start?
  • @dean  You absolutely need to be in the recovery I hope you found a job. @tron that is a terrible lifestyle to live everyday. When you say terminally ill what do you mean ? If you only have a certain amount of time left on this earth you do not want to be spending it being mentally and especially physically abused. A man should never put his hands on a woman maliciously thats a coward. And a big question I have is if your the breadwinner and provider why are you being kicked out of YOUR home ??? He should be the one leaving
  • Thank you for your insight. You asked what I have. I have leukemia complicated by a mis-diagnosis causing heart damage. I can no longer work so my financial situation has changed. I have made the first step this morning by asking friends and family to help me find a place to stay for a while. However, I must stay relatively close to the main Stanford hospital campus for care and treatment. All my family and friends live quite faraway. I am completely depleted and I am not only failing to thrive physically but also mentally. I found this sight a while ago but finally decide to reach out because I don't want to give up and die when I know I have so much to give and I know I have value as a person even though I don't feel it right now.
  • @Tron hello there. thank you so much for sharing here. i felt your pain as i read your words. i'm glad to hear that you have made a big step today by seeking a different place to live.  

    you have a lot on your plate with being ill...you do NOT need to contend with an abusive man.

    YOU are worth so much more!

    please take time to read around the forum... and anything you can read on codependency right now will empower you. you do not need to be anything for that man.... he is responsible for him and you for you.

    if you are up for community support, there may be a support group that can help you... nar-anon, al-anon, or codependents anonymous. it helps to have daily support. 

    we are here too. please keep in touch here. 
    you can do this. you'll need all your energy to take care of you.. not be a punching bag for an abusive man.

    proud of you for reaching out.

  • @Tron... I am sending you boatloads of positive energy, love, and hope. You are in a difficult situation and deserve to be happy. If someone is preventing you from experiencing happiness, then that's something that needs to be dealt with...no matter how long you have been together.

    We care about you and are here to support you any way we can. Please reach out and lean on us whenever you need to.

    I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, my friend.
  • What brings me here is my lack of self control when it comes to binge drinking specifically in social settings. I almost lost the love of my life over very irresponsible decisions I made on this past Friday night and I woke up today feeling intense shame for the way I acted. I don't know when the shame will stop, but I've made a promise to myself and to my relationship that I am going a month without drinking to see how I feel, including in social settings. So far, I'm on starting day 3. Anyone have any tips on feeling less shame / forgiving yourself? Thank you for reading.
  • When it comes to drinking , shame is part of the game . 3 days is a good start , and for me the worst part physically . My biggest tip is this : the shame will go away soon enough . And when it does , it will be awfully easy to go out and get drunk again . I've seen hundreds of people , myself included wake up with the bad hangover and say " Oh my God . What did I do last night . I'm never drinking again ". Only to jump right back on the horse a few days later . I've even seen it here on a recovery based site .
    In my case , it got to the point where the morning after became nearly daily . And instead of saying "I'm never drinking again " I'd say , "I need a beer just to get through the day . I'll quit tomorrow " . And then your trapped in the vicious cycle where tomorrow never happens .
    So hold onto these 3 days . Be proud of today and each subsequent day . But don't forget the shame you are feeling , because as soon as you get comfortable , you might just go do it again .
  • @jcp6793... Good for you for promising to not drink for a month. That's a good start. I hope at the end of the month you feel better and want to keep going. Alcohol can cause all kinds of grief for people, as you have found out first-hand. 

    Sending you lots of positive, sober vibes and a boatload of encouragement and hope. One day at a time. Or even one hour or minute at a time if necessary. Whatever it takes to stay on the right path.

    We're here to help and support you, so feel free to reach out and lean on us whenever you'd like.
  • Hello, this is my first day and I am here because I want to be the best version of myself and free of alcohol.  I am going through a lot of personal issues/stress at the moment and it is taking me much courage to do this at this time however I am determined. Thank you for listening.
  • Cool Name ! And just think how much more beautiful you will be as the best version of you and alcohol free .
    I'm battling alcohol as well . So I feel your pain .
    We all love to listen , and we all love to talk . Courage and determination are huge . You can do it .
    You should start your own Intro discussion , tell us more about you .
    Glad you are here .
  • @TWSJ,

    Thank you.  I will do that later today or tomorrow morning.  Working on call today.
    I am glad I am here as well.

  • @boldlybeautiful... Welcome to the community, my friend. And congratulations on Day 1. I'm proud of you for taking this courageous step toward improving your life. We are here to help and support you however we can, so don't hesitate to reach out and lean on us anytime you need to.

    Sending you positive, sober vibes. And hugs full of hope and encouragement. :)
  • I'm new to the site. I'm a 24-year old lady with a happy marriage and a great job as a junior accountant. I'm also an alcoholic, but didn't have the courage to admit it to myself until about 6 months ago. My husband has been EXTREMELY supportive in helping me recover and encouraging me to reach my goals, but I have still suffered several devastating relapses that pulled me down further each time.
    My entire life has been an exercise in self-discipline and perfectionism-- I graduated in the top percentile of my college in 3 years instead of 4. I taught Sunday School for 5 year olds since I was 17 years old. I always pushed myself to my goals of being the smartest, prettiest, and nicest person I knew.
    I was a complete failure at my first job out of college, which led me to my current (great but stressful) job that I started in 2014, the same year I got married. Being out in the real world, with so many responsibilities both at home and with my job, led me to seek out a glass of wine every evening as a comfort. That escalated to 4-5 bottles a week, to a full 2-liter bottle a day, and sometimes that wouldn't even be enough. I started buying liquor as well-- tequila and rum, mainly-- and would take it in a water bottle in my purse wherever I went. I would start drinking at my work desk before 8am. I would drink and drive. I actually caused an accident last summer on my way home from work: I was on my way to a dentist appointment, but I took several shots of tequila because I was having a procedure done and I was extra nervous.
    Speaking of nerves, it's important to note that in the fall of 2015 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety and Panic Disorder. My mother has the exact same disorders and is well-regulated with medication, and my father was an alcoholic most of my childhood but has been sober for 15 years. My doctor warned me to be extremely careful with alcohol, but I disregarded it because I didn't want to think it could happen to me. It did.
    In September 2016, my husband caught me sneaking tequila into root beer (gross, right??) because there was nothing else in the house to drink. I've been sober since then for weeks, days, and hours at a time, but I've never made it as far as I am now. As I'm writing this, I'm about a month sober. I regret not pinpointing the exact day I called it quits, because I want to celebrate my goals when I reach them. None of my friends know the extent of my alcoholism, and sometimes I want a drink so bad I have actually cried and fallen into depression. I have several weddings and events upcoming this summer where I know I will be pressured to have a drink with everyone else, but I fear I will never be able to drink normally again without losing control. Abstinence until then.
    Any advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciate it. Peace and Love :)

  • Welcome . Glad you are here .

    My dad was an alcoholic as well . And low and behold , so am I . I've had relapses . Not even so long ago . But I just get up and dust myself off .

    One the big things I think you may need to face is not worrying about what your friends think . You will find that if they are REAL friends , they will be supportive . As I've sobered up , I admit I've been less social . But I have friends who are heavy drinkers , who know I'm sober , and the only real change in our relationship is that they hand me the keys . And the people who I used to only drink with , they really aren't that interesting to me anymore . Superficial relationships so to speak .

    So , stay strong . Stay sober . And hit us up anytime .
  • @birdylove7211 hello and welcome!

    glad you are here and sober! there's a great life available sober... keep plowing forward in recovery... there's a lot of great info. here..take some time to read around!

    we are here rooting you on!
  • Thanks @dominica and @TWSJ It's great to know there are people out there rooting for me. I hope this site and the people on it can help me dig deeper into my habits and why I am the way I am. <3
  • Welcome to the community, @birdylove7211. We're happy you found us and shared with us. And congrats to you for wanting to improve your life by giving up alcohol. I'm so proud of you for doing that! Take things a day at a time, or even an hour or minute at a time if you have to. Whatever keeps you on the right path. 

    We are here for you, to offer up help or support, or just to listen. You are not alone and you are safe here, my friend. So reach out and lean on us whenever you feel the need.

    I hope to see you around the various discussions here. In the meantime, I'm sending you lots of positive, sober vibes. And hugs full of encouragement and hope. :)
  • @birdylove7211 yes, we are certainly here and will support you however we can! stick around!
  • This discussion seems to be catching the eyes of regulars and newcomers . I think it's because of your clever title .
     I'm doing pretty good so far with staying sober . But strangely this morning , because of the street I chose to drive down , I had a quick thought of a beer . Pretty silly , if not sad when I think about it . But I had gotten in the awful habit doing my drinking in the truck , so I wouldn't be seen by my wife or anyone else . To the extent that I had specific roads I would travel when I needed to drink .Out of the eyes of the police . Knew places where I could un-load the empties . Drunks can be crafty .
    I was quickly able to shun the urge . But I think sometimes recognizing the urge , and over coming it can be helpful . Just can't believe it came from driving down a street not even near my house .
    @Tommy will be happy to know I've started keeping a shovel in the bed of my truck .Never know when we might need some more coal .
  • @TWSJ ;

    Hey there! I'm super glad to hear that you were able to overcome that urge to stop today. How very interesting the brain is right? It made that connection pretty solid between that place and feeling good. Takes quite a bit of time to rewire that connection, and yes, recognizing that it's a ploy . that it's like actually your brain trying to get a good fix. It's not the real you. But let's not get into philosophy here. 

    I'm glad you're doing well. And thank you for being an active part in this forum. Your honesty and enthusiasm and vulnerability inspires others. Many of whom you never know. So glad to be Journeying with you on the Freedom Train with our buddies . hope you have a wonderful evening period sending you big big love
  • One of our three dear cats unexpectedly passed away very suddenly yesterday. We had him for 11 years and he was like a member of our family. We're all feeling kind of broken and empty inside. Losing a pet can be just as hard as losing a human, IMO. So tough. Lots of tears shed in my house yesterday/last night. And I'm sure they'll continue for a while. Rest in peace, Elliott.
  • Sorry to hear about your cat . I'm a dog man myself , but they do really become part of the family . Our Jack sleeps between me and mama . The hound has to sleep on the sofa . Tough life huh ?!?!
    I think people are drawn to animals for multiple reasons . And I think LOVE can truly exist between man and beast .So , I hope your family can get over the loss soon . Happy Easter !
  • So sorry for your loss @TWSJ......I know how much our pets are family and my heart goes out to your family.
  • @DeanD ;Dean I'm so sorry to hear this. I imagine it is a tough time for you and your family. Pets are very dear to our hearts and it is always sad to lose them.

    Thinking of you today and sending you light and love and pray that you will be comforted .
  • How are things ? We love to talk here . I worked all morning , so nothing exciting on my end . My kids are a bit old for "Bunny" time , but big family day tomorrow . @DeanD , Hope all is well  and family is getting over the loss .@Dominica , thanks for being you ! . @Leaker , I would say you are the "Man" , but we all know @Tommy is the "MAN"! . You and I can only be grateful he treats us with love .  Happy Easter to all .
    Church , Family , then maybe get the boat ready to fish tomorrow . All is good !
  • Hello @TWSJ.  I am doing better.  Going to work things out with my significant other and we are going to couples counselling the week after my surgery.  Worth fighting for.  Committed to not drinking and he is not drinking as well.  Working all weekend and getting ready for my surgery. Happy Easter and I wish you a wonderful day with your family tomorrow.
  • @twsj, I am happy playing back up to @tommy any day of the week. I'm happy just being Leaker. There are truly some great people that are part of this community.

    @boldlybeautiful, hope it works out with the counseling. If the relationship is worth fighting for, then go all in for it. A consolation prize will be the positive changes that will come from putting the drinking behind the both of you. That will help clear the nuggets to make the right decisions for whatever else comes up.
  • Let us know how the counseling goes . I've considered it myself . My wife mentions it all the time . For me , it might be more of an individual thing , though I'm very interested .
  • I will @TWSJ...also I am doing individual counselling as well.  Happy Easter to you and your family.
  • Hello. Just reading your posts has made a difference already. I'm not alone! Thank you. I'm a binge drinker and so are my neighbours, all week I stressed about this long weekend and what it had in store for me. So I drank to stop me from stressing. I hate this feeling of not being able to stop once I start. Thursday I drank with friends and felt horrible the next day. I decided to stop drinking but Saturday came along and here I am today full of disappointment. The difference about today is I reached out and joined your support group. I hope can be strong and stay sober. I want this more then anything.
  • @Jacq you are certainly not alone! so glad you are here!

    recovery takes some time. it is a learned experience. if you fail, get up and start over...and sometimes you have to reach out for face-to-face help too.... do whatever it takes. alcoholism is a disease...you can't stop drinking cuz your brain takes over...and you can't stop..but there is hope!

    stick around...hop on board the FREEDOM EXPRESS here on the forum.

    we are here!
  • @boldlybeautiful... I'm happy to hear that you're gonna do couples counseling. I'm also glad to hear that both of you are committed to not drinking. That's good stuff. I hope you had a lovely Easter. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
  • @Jacq... Welcome to the community, my friend. I'm glad you've already found some comfort by reading some posts here. You are most definitely not alone.

    Like @dominica said, sobriety and recovery are learned behaviors. And on top of that...Nobody's perfect. So if you want to get sober, just keep trying. I firmly believe that if you mix willingness and hope enough times, you can accomplish anything--including long-term sobriety.

    Take a look around the forums and read other people's stories. I'm sure you will find lots of inspiration. Also, know that we're here to help and support you any way we can. We will always listen without judgment, so you are safe here.

    I'm sending you lots of positive energy, sober vibes, encouragement, and hope. Tons and tons of hope. You can kick alcohol's ass. I know you can. So don't ever give up, okay?

    Love and light to you. Hope to see you around here more. 
  • OMG I have so many! I would say I am really worried about my health. Just being good to my body. I need to eat better, drink less (or quit), workout (more). I have so many parts of my life put together so well and than so little self control when it comes to myself. No idea why. I would never cheat, cut corners or abuse so many facets of my life but when it comes to my well being....no problem. I just need more balance.

    Keep up the good fight @jacq @TWSJ @boldlybeuatiful @birdylove7211 wishing you all the very best...thanks for the dialogue.
  • @GaGolfer14 you're not alone in the quest for balance when it comes to health. with you!!!  i tend to have great periods and then not so great..but try to be consistent... more balance. i think that's  a life long practice...  
    rooting for you!
  • I have drank since I was 14 and I am now 31.  I am divorced and because of alcohol I have destroyed a beautiful relationship that I have been forming for a year now. Loosing a man I love so much.  I loose my mind when I drink.  Turn into a crazy person. We have been fighting for days due to my issues. Yesterday we got into an argument and I had been drinking. He refused to let me hug him. I held a loaded gun to my head.  He called the cops. He left me today. Says we cannot be together anymore.  Today was the first time I have reached out for help.  I meet with an addiction counselor on Monday.  I need help. We do live together and I am hoping through reaching sobriety and time he will fall in love with me again. I am broken and have so much to loose. I want to never touch another drop of alcohol. 
  • Hey All-

    Have a good weekend, hoping and praying for all. I am nervous about my first Friday and Saturday nights sober so wish me luck. Truth be told Sundays were always the days I would booze the hardest. I have plan on how to navigate this weekend.....I'll check in later.

    What other online resources do you guys like? Are there any chat rooms? It'd be great to chat with someone real time a few times a day.

  • @arionbass... Welcome to the community, my dear. I'm so sorry that you're struggling, but I'm so happy that you've taken the courageous step of reaching out for help. That's huge and I'm very proud of you for doing it.

    I hope your meeting with the addiction counselor goes well on Monday. My best advice to you is to be 100% honest with him/her. Now is the time to bare your soul; it's the best way to get the help you need.

    We are here to help and support you every way we can. If you have questions or need advice, let us know. Or if you just need a place to vent, know that you can do it here. We'll listen and never judge...because we care.

    I'm sending you lots of positive, sober vibes and tons of encouragement and hope. You can do this, my friend. I know you can. And we'll be here to help you on your journey whenever you need us.
  • @GaGolfer14... I'm sending you boatloads of encouragement and positive energy for the weekend. You can do this. I know you can. I'm happy to hear you have a plan. And by all means, check in with us later.

    As far as other online resources... In the Rooms has a bunch of online meetings and live chats. You might want to check them out. Here's the link:

    By the way, I'm keeping you in my prayers as well. :)
  • I am here, on this forum for a couple reasons.  Which are also the biggest things I am dealing with.  I am overweight (probably about 70-80 pounds overweight), I smoke, and I drink too much.  I am only 34, however I have now been smoking for 20 years.  But up until now I've always used the excuse that, i'm young i'll get my crap together someday.  Well I think that someday has come and gone.  I DESPERATELY want to change my life.  I want to quit smoking, cut way back on my drinking, and lose weight.  The main problem with all of us this, I have tried to do all three of these things.....NUMEROUS times.  I've dieted more times than I can count.  I've quit smoking more times than I can count and I've quit or cut back on my drinking more times than I can count.  While I am a healthy, active person, so far, I know that I CAN NOT live like this forever.  And the way that I am abusing my body WILL come back to haunt me.  But I feel that I AM young enough at this point in my life to make serious changes.  I just don't know how.  And the fact that I have tried and failed hundreds of times is SOOOOO discouraging to me, and nearly every time I try to do one thing or another, I basically "throw in the towel" shortly after trying because "I can't do it obviously, so why try??"  But I WANT to try.  I have two WONDERFUL kids that adore me.  I have a WONDERFUL husband that adores me.  I have WONDERFUL jobs.  I have a wonderful home.  Why am I sabotaging all of this?!?!?!?!  Why is all of this not good enough for me??  Why do I have to drink to have fun?  Why do I have to smoke to enjoy the day?  Why do I have to eat food that's horrible for me?  
  • @travelmommy82 keep up the good fight. You have come to the right place. I am only 10 days into a similar fight (except the smoking) and have really appreciated the support here. I am sure others with more insight and experience will chime in.
  • @Travelmommy82... We're here for you, my friend. Please feel free to reach out to us anytime you need someone to lean on. We will listen and help and support you however we can. 

    Keep trying to make the changes you want to make. I believe that if you mix willingness and hope enough times, you can achieve anything you want. One question: Have you considered getting professional help? Also, maybe try to attack your issues one at a time so it doesn't feel so overwhelming.

    You can do this. I know you can. So please don't ever give up. 

    Sending you lots of positive vibes, hope, and encouragement. Everyone here is rooting for you. Big time.
  • Biggest issue is my self esteem-   it sucks from the core out.  Everyday is a struggle and a battle to make myself feel worthy.  My relationship isn't always there and my job just sucks because I sit in front of a computer with nothing to do for 8 hours.  I am bored and tired and way too much time to think.   Its hard to leave a job of 16 years but lately I feel I have been mistreated. 
  • @Travelmommy82 ;

    Hello and welcome to the Forum. Thank you so much for reaching out. this form is a great place to connect with others and to learn about recovery. I wonder if you've ever reached out to a support group or a counselor . if you've tried on your own so many times without success sometimes it takes a season of working on the underlying issues . there's almost always issues lie deep underneath the surface, many of them stemming from childhood. The good news is that recovery is possible on all levels. But it's a journey that takes time. Be gentle with yourself and remember that it's about progress; not Perfection.

    I think most of us can relate to food issues. I'm less than 8 pounds overweight and I struggle with keeping a healthy diet. And it is very frustrating. Sometimes I'm on it and other times I could give a crap. And it's addiction. sometimes it just takes a day by day staying on top of it. I find that when I feed my mind consistently with encouraging things I do better. But I still need help with the food thing too. 

    There's a book out there and a video called the easy way to stop smoking. Have you heard of that? I enjoy watching the video even though I'm not a smoker anymore. But it makes sense . here's a video about the book, but it wouldn't hurt to read the book too. Many people have quit smoking using his message and he hasn't quitting drinking one too.

    hope to keep seeing you around!
  • Hello everyone.
    I am having a hard time trusting my husband. We met in AA and started dating, eventually got married... all the while staying in the program, going to meetings, church, AA functions ... all that. We were very involved in service work for both church and our meetings. We have a beautiful baby boy together and one on the way (fingers crossed for a girl.) So he had almost 4 years sobriety (April 10th) and I just came into 3; April 22nd.
    We recently went on vacation and the first night we got there we were walking to dinner n he said " I think I need to come clean tonyoi about something but I don't want you to get upset." My initial reaction including my facial expression was probably not good. I said "what is it?!" After a few of those what is its... he told me. "I have been doing heroin for a little bit now." needless to say... I cried the entire dinner. He showed no remorse. I was backed into a corner... tell him to stop and have him get sick the rest of the trip or deal with it and try to have fun.
    I dealt with it.
    Within a few conversations about it. I figured out... he had been snorting it. Also trying to justify it by asking me how things were between us. He was doing a "key bump" in the morning n that was it. He also told me why. ... my husband has chronic pain; neck back and knees. He has been in construction his whole life. So he is prescribed norcos by his doctor. Being in the program I thought we took all the right precautions... I went to each n every doctor appointment. I held his pills n have him his daily amount each morning.
    Little did I know he was buying them behind my back... so ontop of the 4 I was giving him every day he was taking whatever else he wanted off the street. So his "WHY" for using heroin... his why was that it is cheaper than pills and the "little" he does everyday does the trick all day for his pain.
    We had quite a few conversations about it... he wanted me to be okay with him doing it during his busy season at work (all summer) & might I remind you I am pregnant... due in September. So all summer is almost my whole pregnancy. I am not okay with that... wasn't from jump. &I fought him about it.
    & not until a week after we got home did he even show the slightest concern of coming off it. It was hard to watch to say the least.
    Well about two weeks ago... Easter this year. He stopped using it. Says he has been off it since. I witnessed and stood by while he withdrew. ... even harder to watch and support. But I knew the outcome would be worth it. Or so I thought.
    He has now been clean for just about two weeks. And because I was so blind to it before... the fact that I sleep next to him, speak to him, interact with him... on a daily almost hourly basis and I couldn't tell the change in my own husband... I feel completely lost. I'm stressing over everything he does, everywhere he goes, questioning all his movements and habits.... etc. I don't trust him or I don't trust me. Idk I feel ashamed and guilty and idiotic that I didn't catch it or see it sooner or at all.
    From the reasearch I have done... because I am a drunk. I have experimented with drugs but my drug of choice was alcohol... I don't know very much about the harder stuff. So I did some reading. I contacted a couple recovery programs. I am noticing a lot of his behaviors still attributable to heroin use. But he swears he's done n hasn't touched it since Easter. I'm completely confused and terrified about all of it. I don't know what I am supposed to do.
  • @Kpersh hello and welcome! i'm sorry you are going through this...

    if you could please copy and paste your post into a "new discussion".... more people will be able to respond there....

  • BIµiggest issue currently is posting on this site than having it removed for no major reason?! odd
  • @grantusthelaughter... Hi there. As one of the moderators I can assure you that your post wasn't removed unless it violated our forum rules. I know I didn't remove any post you made. Is it possible that it never posted to begin with?
  • my biggest issue these days is figuring out how to support my fiance in his battle to get sober along with adjusting to motherhood. we have an almost 3 week old son and knowing that the addiction can affect him is heartbreaking. I just want what's best for my family. I get very overwhelmed with thoughts of the future and what will happen but slowly I am learning that I also need to take things one day at a time. I am happy to have found this site. Even just getting my thoughts out has been helpful. I never realized how lonely dealing with addiction can be..even if you're not the addict.
  • @edogan94... I replied to your post in another thread, so please be sure to look for that. And know that we are here for you anytime. Even if you just need to vent, we will always listen. You are not alone!!!!
  • I am in a relationship with a man who is addicted to crack. I didn't know this when we became involved and I fell in love. I am 3 years into this very toxic relationship and am trying to get out of it. I don't understand the hold this man has on me. He is going to destroy my entire life if I don't break free of him. I have tried to help him, but have finally realized I can't. Please help me.
  • @Kimmy... I'm sorry to hear about your partner's addiction. Being in love with someone who struggles with this disease is so incredibly difficult. It's very common to be consumed by a partner's addiction to the point where it starts affecting your life in an adverse way. When you become addicted to their addiction, both of you end up suffering.

    I always tell people to remember what Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach us about a loved one's addiction: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Like you said, you can't help him. He has to be the one who helps himself.

    At the very least, I suggest you detach from him and take a break. You need to focus on taking care of YOU, because YOUR life matters, too. Think about going to a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting, too. It can be very therapeutic to be around people who know exactly what you're feeling and going through.

    You can reach out to us anytime for help, support, advice, or just to vent. You are not alone, my friend. We truly care and we will listen to anything you have to say.

    I will keep you and your partner in my thoughts and prayers. Remember: There's absolutely nothing wrong with doing what's best for YOU. You should always be the number one priority in your life. 

    Sending you lots of love, hope, and encouragement. And big hugs, too, because you deserve them.
  • My boyfriend of nearly 3 yrs was just told to move out of my home. I am devastated.  But I didn't know what more to do. I tried to research as much as I could about high-functioning alcoholics. I offered support to him - I would go to AA, SMART, counseling, whatever it took to help him on his way to recovery. He's in denial.  When drunk once, he said Yes to me asking if he has a drinking problem.  When sober, he denies it.  His father died from alcoholism at 43.  He's 38 now. I couldn't handle the neglect emotionally, physically, mentally anymore but when I met him I felt he was it for me. I'm divorced and he was everything I'd ever looked for in a partner - until I discovered (after him moving in)...he has a drinking problem. I will not go into details of all the messes I cleaned up...but I had to so my kids would not see the bottles and beer cans, etc...just lying around neatly in one area of the home. My heart aches horribly bc he left within a day of me telling him he had to go - when I gave him 30 days to pack...I know in my heart he is an amazing man, but Idk if he'll ever snap out of it to see all the damage his drinking is doing to ALL the relationships in his life.  I'm devastated.  I'm devastated at how quickly he left. No thoughts for me. No fighting for me. Nothing. He just up and left. We're still in touch but only to discuss him gathering the rest of his things. I never wanted to make this decision and his abrupt leave just makes me think all this time he was waiting for me to make the final call. :( We, HE, often talked of a future life with me...but anytime I brought up his drinking or commented on him coming home from the bar drunk, etc...he'd just walk out of the room.  There was no respect for me...I know, I allowed it to continue...bc I prayed it'll change next time. He would NEVER hang up on me again - he would NEVER ignore my texts/calls/whatever again - he loves me...I told him I was afraid of this day. I never wanted this day to come...but I will not allow you to hurt me one more time.  For now, I must let you go and pray you find a healthier lifestyle and just maybe we'll reconnect down the road.  But for me, idk if I could trust him again - how will I ever know he's FULLY recovered and trustworthy?! :(
  • @timeforme... Welcome and thanks for sharing. I know what you did was very difficult, but I believe it was the right thing. Always remember that YOUR life matters, too. YOU should always be the number one priority. It sounds like you've put up with a lot and tried to help. Now it's time to take care of YOU. 

    As far as whether or not you'll be able to trust your boyfriend again...that's hard to say. Regaining trust can take a long time, but it can happen...as long as your boyfriend takes the steps needed to get better. You'll know if that time comes. Until then, though, take care of yourself. 

    Sending you lots of positive vibes and hope. Please know that you can come here anytime for help, support, advice, or just to vent. You're not alone.
  • You'll know he's recovered when he does it for himself . If he does it for anyone else , it won't last . Or if it does , he'll just be bitter about it , and that can be just as bad as being drunk .
    That he didn't fight for you is possibly a sign of how hopeless he may be feeling about his condition . Being trapped in alcoholism is a very miserable thing . But he can't just flip a switch and say "I'm done " . So you can't lead yourself to the belief that you have done anything wrong . Oh yeah , I should clarify that I'm speaking from personal experience .
    You gave him an ultimatum . He made the decision that you , and most others would agree is the wrong decision . But you have to stick to your ultimatum , or you risk becoming the "Enabler " . You've done the right thing so far . You just have to be strong and stick to your guns .

  • @DeanD...thank you. I don't feel like I made the right decision but I felt like I was at a loss. I suffer from anxiety as it is and it's never been as bad as it's been in the most recent months.  Anxiety attacks after each other...I stopped running, doing things I love bc I was so worried about us not making it - I wanted him to see I was worth more than the bottle - and the fact he just up and left immediately vice waiting or fighting for me in the next 30 days is disheartening too.  thank you for the encouragement.

    @TWSJ...thank you too.  I can only pray he finds help for himself.  I blame this...bc I've seen how it's torn our relationship apart.  I've seen where we started and how things morphed into complete and utter chaos.  I never imagined this person...who on the outside seems totally put together would suffer from such a disease.  He is genuinely a great guy - I can see it in him.  But this disease, it's awful...absolutely awful.  This is my first experience with a HFA and ugh...I can only imagine how he feels on the inside. :( He's got some deep seeded issues never resolved that I attribute to the drinking...sigh.  :( 
  • @timeforme... Maybe "right" wasn't the proper word for me to use. I just meant that you did what was probably best for YOU. And that's important. We can't allow ourselves to suffer constantly because someone we love refuses to seek help. That's just not fair.

    I will keep both you and your boyfriend in my thoughts and prayers. 
  • @DeanD...yeah...that's what I'm told.  I've read way more than I ever wanted to know about alcoholics and addictions in my life bc I wanted to educate myself and find a way to be that support he needed.  I know in his heart of hearts he loves me...I know this.  But I have children, they had to come first...I just tell them he had to leave bc he has some unhealthy habits right now that aren't good for any of us.  I just need to know I'm not in the wrong here - bc I feel like a completely awful person.  I would never put anyone out unless I felt it was all I could do that was left to possibly save them from themselves. :/  Now I worry he drinks nightly...
  • @timeforme... Remember what Al-Anon teaches: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. 

    Sending you love and light. 
  • @timeforme hey there. i agree with what others have told you. i believe you did the right thing for you.....good for you, even though i know it was very challenging.

    what you want matters....take care of YOU.
  • @dominica...thank you. While I appreciate everyone's agreeing that I did the right thing for me, it def doesn't feel that way. I mean, I'll admit it is NICE to be home and not worry about if/how much or when he's going to drink, will I be getting any affection or will me talking to him annoy him to where he just wants to be alone to play games and drink.  The two always went together - still do. :( There is SOME peace to be felt right now.  He is a genuine, sweet man when sober, the drinking opened him up even more (never an angry/violent drunk) but it just never stopped. Who knows if it ever would have progressed to worse situations.  I didn't want to be around to find out.  I used to drink with him before I realized there was a real problem. I figured he just liked to take me out to party it up on the weekends after us both having long work weeks.  It wasn't until I stopped drinking with him I noticed our convos became shorter, the desire to sit out by the fire was nearly nonexistent (bc we used to drink and sit and chat by the fire), things we once did together became less and less...it saddened me.  My heart was slowly being crushed.  I was hoping I was just as fun to talk to when sober. The great thing is he was always about going out and trying new adventures with me.  I loved that!! I know that he loves me too - to this day! I know I hurt him with my words - but I'm detaching with love.  It's the only way now.  He is distant. He will not text or speak to me at all on the phone.  If he does respond to a text of mine concerning his move, it is short, to the point - like we are total strangers. :( Breaks my heart!! Truly crushes me! I'm sure he's drinking solo right now in his apt bc it's what he does when I'm not around. :( I was hoping and praying that this would be the last thing to make him realize his life is worth more than the bottle...that what we had was worth more.  It's literally only been 1.5 weeks of him gone so who knows, maybe sooner than later he'll wake from the chaos. I miss him terribly.  He is my person. I never wanted to do this...never. :( I know in time I'll prob see the light and realize it's OK to take care of me, it's OK to leave toxic situations, it's OK to put me first...the alcohol numbed him to my feelings. That hurt most.  NOTHING I said mattered. He'd say a few words in response - NEVER an apology, NEVER.  But promises to never say or do xyz again...only to fall short of a repeated incident. :/ I now realize after much research you must WATCH what the alcoholic does and not necessarily take their words for truth.  Bc they will lie, over and over.  It does not mean they're a bad person. It's all part of the disease.  They honestly cannot help themselves. It doesn't mean they love you any less - but they love that bottle more for the time being. :( 
  • Sending you big hugs, @timeforme.
  • I found this forum while searching for support for morbid obesity and food addiction.  All of my life I have struggled with weight issues because food is one of the few things in life that actually bring me joy.  I don't suffer from clinical depression, but whenever I try to diet or eat healthy, I do find myself totally bummed out.   I feel deprived and angry.  My self esteem is non-existant due to my weight.  I find myself self isolating often. 

    I can't even begin to describe all of the rationalizations and justifications I have told myself to excuse binge eating and it's got to stop but I simply can't figure out how or do it alone.   I'm coming here in hopes of support that can finally end this battle between me and food.
  • I'm a little over weight myself . Mostly from 30+ years of heavy beer drinking . I would suggest finding a support group . My wife recently did some diet that shed 10 lbs for her . One day I came home and found her on a conference call . I curiously asked her What the Heck ? It was a support group for other women doing the same diet . I'll find out more about it and let you know .
    I would say this , your name you gave yourself makes me think you have a good sense of humor . Channel that humor into some positive energy and go get healthy ! 
  • @TWSJ Thanks and if you find out from her which diet and support group it was, I am eager to find out.  And yep, a sense of humor is a requirement in this world.  Nice fish btw!  I'm jealous.
    @DeanD ; I haven't figure out how to private msg anyone yet but if you can contact me, I have a job lead that you might be interested in if you are still looking.
  • @BigOleCountryGirl... I sent you a private message. Hopefully you'll get it.
  • So since my last post here my bf reached out to me yesterday and today via text just to say: "Hope you have a good day.  Busy here with meetings again." That was it...I responded, yet my gf is telling me to be careful bc he moved out and you don't want him to think he can have his cake and eat it too right now.  He needs to feel the loss of you in order to realize he needs to make serious life changes (quit being an HFA) and see my worth...saddens me.  I can tell he's staying up late and prob drinking solo...so yeah, obviously he doesn't see the problem as the drinking but the fact I have children and we were too much for him - now he has his own place again.  I mean, I don't think "we" are the problem, I blame the alcohol...but it appears anyway he's content how he is now. :( So heartbroken...my mother tells me (granted yes at 38 yrs old my momma still gives me advice...lol) that what's meant to be will be - she keeps praying daily he'll get healthy.  sigh...
  • Let mama pray . You can pray too . But listen to your gf .
  • @timeforme... I agree with your girlfriend. You need to tread lightly, my friend. I will pray for you, too.
  • He is incredible...left me day of telling him he needed to be out in 30 days - messaged me 3x last week each day saying "hope you have a good day" only for me to respond, "thank you, you too!"...nothing else...thursday last week mentioned he needed to get the rest of his things and his other car from my home...(so i can move on too like him...sigh)...nothing back! i do not want this to get ugly but i will say i've noticed via FB he's been up til 3am friday and saturday of this past weekend - wanna guess doing what? drinking solo...sooooo sad to me! he's back to his reg drinking schedule before he ever moved in with me - i worry for him and his health, yet i can't stand that he can be so cold and avoid me to get his things...sigh....alcoholism is DISGUSTING and absolutely AWFUL! I'm sorry to anyone who's suffered the disease/illness or anyone who is on the receiving end of all the lies, disappointments, empty promises, etc...he's been gone for about 2 weeks now and i'm still ugh about it all...trying to get myself back :/ 
  • I'm really sorry that you are hurting so bad . But , once again , his problem is not about you . And he doesn't want to be sick .
    You might want to try reading some literature from Al-Anon , AA , or some of the other programs . If for no other reason than to realize that you did nothing wrong . And to learn ways to let go . I've been the son of an alcoholic , and an alcoholic . It took me many years to decide to sober up . And the hardest part about it was deciding to do it .
    I'll pray for you and your boyfriend .
  • @timeforme i agree with twsj..... get familiar with Al-anon...or another support group. it may help!
  • @timeforme... I think Al-Anon would really help you. Also, my suggestion is to stop looking at his Facebook page. Seeing what he's up to will just make you crazy. @TWSJ is right: It's his problem. 
  • Big issue....
    Finding a clean living space where people aren't, and/or haven't previously done drugs.
  • @CLynn hello and welcome. that is a big issue..... what is your story? are you in a place now where people are using??

    glad you are here. would love to hear more.
  • @CLynn... Welcome. If you don't mind, tell us more about your situation. We are here to give you love and support.
  • i want to leave him.. clean then sober then clean then sober. where do i find the courage to leave the man i love. who loves his addiction more than me.  how do i feel like it wont be my fault if when i leave he falls off and the worst happens? how do i walk away forever. how do i forget about him?!
  • @babygirl0520... You are not responsible for what happens to him. Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach us: You didn't cause your loved one's addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. 

    The most important thing for you to remember is that YOUR life matters, too. 

    Sending you hugs. We are here for you anytime you need help, support, a place to vent, etc.
  • thank you so much.. i feel like im drowning. and life is full of dark shadows and just helplessness.. waiting on the next time ya know. i just dont want it to be a part of my life anymore. hardest part is walking away. and i get closer and closer each day. he just throws that guilt on me and flips it to where i actually feel and believe that I am wrong................ really gets into my head. 
  • i would have to walk away from everything
  • @babygirl0520... YOU should always be the number one person on your priority list. Always remember that. Do what's best for YOU.
  • @babygirl0520 hey there. are you willing to attend a support group? how can you leave him? by having support...encouragement...those who will remind you that YOU are important. THAT YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANOTHER MAN'S LEVEL OF HAPPINESS OR WELL BEING... 

    that sounds blunt, but it's true. he is responsible for his life. you are responsible for yours.

    i know you love him. but YOU deserve different. you deserve healthy, happy, respectful, mature relationship...

    it will be challenging, but you can do it. consider Codependents Anonymous, Al-Anon, or Nar-Anon.  There are many codependency help resources too... 

    I know it sucks... I had to leave someone I cared about, but the relationship was so toxic...it had to happen. I made it through, and few years later, all is so good...

    we are here..anytime.
  • @babygirl0520... Thinking of you today. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Let us know how things are going for you.
  • still trucking along. there's good consecutive days. when there is no drug use. then the weekend hits. ... the needle has started. but its been one time...... hoping to god i dont see it again. if i do im out. ive decided if i go i will reach out to my mother tell her the truth and recruit her to help me from going back. cut all ties. im getting to where i cannot stand him. i work 40 hours a week worry about him that whole time. plus at home and on weekends
  • @babygirl0520... Your plan sounds like a good one. I know it's hard, but try not to let yourself become addicted to his addiction. You matter, my dear.

    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. If things get bad this weekend, separate yourself from the situation. You deserve some peaceful downtime after working 40 hours a week. Don't let him deny you of that.

    Big hugs.
  • @babygirl0520 hey there! glad you have a plan together..... you deserve AMAZING.... you are worthy of GOOD...

    rooting for you!
  • My biggest struggle right now is that I feel alone. I know I am not, I know I have people who care...it is just hard to shake that feeling. I have made myself look like an ass, I have pushed everyone away. I feel as if I function better doing things on my own but sometimes you do need help. At least a little. I have lost control of everything and I feel backed into a corner. Keeping busy is good, it is hard though. So tired. Hungry. I am the type of person that needs to be busy though, so I need productive things to do. Depression sneaks up on you fast. Ahhh.
  • Loneliness is a big road block in recovery .  When I was drinking , I could be sitting in the living room with my wife and 2 kids and be totally alone . When I was trying to get sober without any help or support , I was even more alone . Because people without addiction have no true understanding of people who do . And when you feel no one understands , you are alone .
    Normal people think you should just be able to "Will" yourself sober . I call Bull Shit on that . You need Will Power , but you need a lot of other tools to go with it . I would strongly urge you to try some sort of support group . And do so with the most open of minds . Because you will find that you are far from alone . You will find there are thousands of people who feel and think almost exactly the same way you do . And it will help if you let it .
    After 2 years of trying to white knuckle sobriety alone , and basically developing a nasty yo-yo affect of sobriety , drunkenness , sobriety , etc. , I finally swallowed my pride and hit an AA meeting . I was nervous , embarrassed , felt like a failure when I first walked in . But after a few meetings , that loneliness was gone . Everybody in AA , or whatever group works for you , is there for the same reason . They weren't making it alone , and needed Fellowship to fight the battle .
    Give it a try !  
  • @fightforlife hello and welcome. glad you are here!

    loneliness does suck... i think we can all relate to a degree. i hope that you will be able to feel some support here...we are with you...and for you. we care and will never judge you.

    sounds like your soul is tired...and may need a rest... during this rest time, nurture you. get to know yourself on a deeper level. maybe you've abandoned your true self.... we feel less alone when we are connected with ourselves and even a higher power.

    feed your soul. every day. in whatever way works for you....

    hope you will keep coming back here!
  • @fightforlife... A song I really like has this line in it: "You might feel lonely, but you're not alone." Whenever I start to feel a bit lost and alone, I think of that line. Yes, you may have pushed people away. But those people can come back in time. And new people can come into your life, too. It's kind of a cyclical thing, in my opinion.

    We are here for you, anytime you need us. For help, support, advice, hope, or just conversation. Never forget that. We're just a few clicks away.

    Sending you love, light, and hugs.
  • The issues that I'm dealing with right now is trying to move on with my life after my boyfriend died from an meth overdose. I go threw the motions of the day, taking care of our sons and going to work. Even with all that my mind never stops going thinking about him. Thinking about how I found him and how things could be different if he was still here and not on drugs. Life was good when he was clean. I wish I could stop thinking and be happy or I guess whole again. I love my kids and always will but I feel so incomplete without him. 
  • Big hugs going out to you, @Hurt33. Remember: It's okay to grieve.
  • The issue I am dealing with now is that finally I am 40 years old and I've come to the realization I resented my mother growing up for being so codependent on my alcoholic father and staying in that awful relationship, and me in it, then, here I am at 40, 1 divorce, 2 kids by 2 differ men, but the one man I'm extremely codependency over is the one has is in recovery for alcoholism and has put my life thru hell the past 3 years, but I love him to much. I love him, and I am sad when he doesn't want me, but when he does want me it feels amazing. I'm so much better than this, and I know that. It's so hard to deal with.
  • @Jld3 hey there! i just responded to your other post :)
  • Hi, @Jld3... I replied to your other post as well. 
  • I met the love of my life.. finally! He happens to be a recovering heroin addict clean about three years. Life is great we move in, plan a future wedding, talk about kids. My very own fairytale.

    Then comes the whiskey. I noticed it before.. but he never seemed out of control. Then he came home drunk from work and then the promised to not do that again.

    I've had many broken promises.. hidden whiskey bottles and tears. After a fight where I was told to fucking leave, I did. And then came the apologies. And actual changes. Effort was being made. I was so excited.

    Here I sit with a car full of my stuff.. ready to move back home still there from Monday. When I got home he was drunk. He said it's because I accused him of drinking. I left again.

    I'm too devastated to unpack my car.. because I want to go home. I miss my home so badly. I miss my best friend even more. I'm now displaced, losing the love of my life, and missing my person.

    He's sorry and wants to change but I'm not sure if he can. And I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that in my fairytale the good guy isn't winning.. the big bad drugs are. I'm so sad and alone.
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