When Your Partner is An Addict and You’re Going Crazy

If you are in a relationship with an addict or if you suspect that your partner is abusing alcohol or drugs, it can be quite challenging. You probably have many feelings about the situation, as well as concerns. Unanswered questions like “What do I do?” or “How do I know if he’s using or not” may plague your mind.  Yes, it’s an awful feeling in the pit of your stomach.

This article is meant to give you some information as you move forward navigating the relationship and your concerns.  One thing I want to say right up front is that the alcoholism or drug addiction is not YOUR problem.  You didn’t cause it and you can’t fix it.  What you can do right away is begin shifting your focus away from possible reasons as to why he/she is using or why this is happening to becoming more concerned about YOUR reactions and tendencies to enable, deny, or become codependent in the situation. 

Can a relationship or marriage work out if alcoholism or drug addiction is involved?

Yes, it is possible in some cases, but many factors play a role.
Yes, you can be supportive to your loved one, but you have to be careful. If you're not strong, you're likely to sign up to living in constant dis-ease...

Whose world are you living in?

When your loved one is an addict, it’s easy to get wrapped up in their world and essentially, stop living in your own world. Instead of focusing on you, you start obsessing over questions like:

Is he using?
Where is he really?
Will he end up dying?
Can I really trust him?
Why can’t he stop?
Does he really love me?

There are plenty of people who will admit to getting in the car and driving around all hours of the night looking for their partner/spouse, frantic and angry. Some would set up cameras in the home, head to the dope man’s house snooping around, and more. This type of behavior serves no one, but it can make you feel genuinely crazy.

Don’t fall into codependency

Codependency is a term used sometimes to describe an unhealthy relationship with another person. In the case of a loved one who is an addict, being codependent would mean that you have a tough time being able to separate yourself from the addict’s behavior. You enable and essentially lose yourself in the situation. Instead of focusing on you, you put a lot of focus into the addict. You lose sleep. You give him money even when you know he should have his own money. You are constantly looking for clues as to whether he is using or not. You give him just one more chance and then another chance and so on. You feel as if you are going insane. You’re not happy. You’re confused, scared, and feel alone.

The steps to your recovery

Many partners write in wondering if they should throw in the towel in their relationship. Now this is not easy to answer because every situation is different. Some should definitely throw in the towel and others may be able to hang in there until the addict gets things together- assuming that he even gets cleaned up.

Here are some things you can consider moving forward:

1. Learn about addiction

Take some time to learn about addiction, so that you can understand better what is really going on with your partner. This will also help you learn what kinds of enabling behaviors you have been doing and how you can refrain from doing so in the future. Addiction is a disease, and just like if your child was diagnosed with the disease of diabetes, you would educate yourself on how to move forward with changes that would benefit his/her health.  By you learning about addiction, you are more likely to be supportive to the addict rather than simple enable and caretake. 

2. Give a support group a try

You need some support if you’re contending with an addict as a partner. Consider attending Al-Anon or Nar-Anon 12 Step groups. There you will be able to talk to others who have loved ones that are addicts. You can get a sponsor/mentor if you wish and work the 12 Steps of the program, which will help you focus on YOU and get out of the addictive environment for a while. Get around others who will help you empower yourself when it comes to setting and keeping boundaries and caring for yourself.

3. Empower yourself

It’s time to gather your inner strength and empower yourself, so you can do what is right FOR YOU. It’s time to journey toward self-love and connect with yourself in a deeper way. What do you really want in your life? What are your needs and wants? What kind of partnership do you want? Are you willing to do what it takes or walk away if need be?  It’s not easy to walk away and it’s not easy to stay, but no matter what you decide, you’ll benefit from growing and harnessing your inner strength. 

Boundaries, boundaries, and more boundaries

It’s time to learn about boundaries and it’s time to set them. For yourself and for your partner. You don’t have to be a doormat. You don’t have to feel compelled to enable and take care of a grown person, addicted or not. You no longer have to be a willing or unwilling partner to your partner’s disease. When you can come up with some boundaries for yourself and your partner, it is then that you will experience some changes- in yourself.  When you say, “No more! I’m not contending with this active addiction anymore!”, you can let go. You can let your partner contend with the disease and his/her option to get help. You can begin your journey to recovery, because honestly, being with an addict can make you feel confused and crazy.

We get a lot of questions as to whether you should leave or not. That’s really up to you, but know that no matter what you do, YOU are worthy of a beautiful and happy life. We all are. Remember that.

  • 352 Commentsby Likes|Date
  • This is a great piece, @dominica! Loving an addict can be so incredibly difficult, and the line between loving/supporting and enabling is a very fine one.

    Thanks for writing this. :)
  • I certainly do not condone my husband's addiction with alcohol. At first, he was just drinking every weekends but now, he drinks almost everyday. He says he is not addicted but I beg to disagree. We have had countless arguments about it, but he still won't stop. And I guess I cannot stop him from his addiction if he isn't willing to stop himself. So the mindset and goal setting must come from him, willingly he must stop his addiction. I hope he does because I'm worried with his health, with his smoking and drinking.
  • This is a tough topic. My boyfriend is addicted to the worst drug there is out there. I'm in a constant battle between I need to leave him so he can find himself and I can't leave him cause he needs me. I struggle daily feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Work use to be my happy place I loved to go cause it's my passion I enjoy doing what I do but after he fell back into his addiction he started to lie, cheat, and sneak around I lost all trust in him I question everything he does and says I wonder who's at our house when I'm not there. I've losing myself obsessing over him and what he's doing. I'm becoming depressed losing sleep feeling hopeless. I know I deserve better but I can not find it in my heart to leave him. When he was sober during the first 6 months of our relationship everything was perfect. I keep telling myself that he has potential to be that person again but at the same time I don't see him wanting to be that person anymore. Drugs have become more important to him than anyone of us. His actions prove that everyday. I'm confused.
  • I think a lot of people that don't know much about addiction or haven't had to face that challenge in their own life, assume that it's only the addict that it as an effect on when that's not the case at all.

    Sometimes the addiction can impact on the people surrounding the addict more than the addict themselves.
  • This describes my life perfectly so I really needed to read this post. I have to find ways to get my life back and stop obsessing over his. The checking the phone, the wondering who is at my place when I'm at work, the lying, the health issues, I can relate to it all. I worry about him but I have no control. He chooses to do things behind my back and lie about it, no matter how much I beg and cry and yell. Sometimes I do feel like I am going crazy. I am working on trying to let it go, to be a healthier and happier me but it is so difficult to do when you love an addict. I wouldn't wish this life on anybody.
  • Definitely feeling crazy over here. I kicked my husband out 2 weeks ago until he's ready to get help for his hydrocodone addiction on his own. I'm coming to the realization that I can't help him, I can't control him, I need to distance myself and our 10 month old son (and daughter arriving in 10 short weeks) from him until he is actually really ready to change and until he is making every effort to change. This article was helpful; instead of crying myself to sleep every night, falling into some sort of depression, I'm going to try to get to an Nar-Anon meeting as soon as I can. No more enabling, he's on his own. I can't do it for him. His parents can't do it for him. We've all tried everything possible and it has only turned into more heartache and disappointment for us. I agree with the previous poster, I wouldn't wish this life on my worst enemy... The helplessness, the worry, the insanity, the betrayal, the lies, the tears, the loneliness - it's all a recipe for an emotional wreck.
  • The most important thing you can do when your partner is an addict is to take care of yourself. That may sound selfish to some, but it's not. It's absolutely essential. If you allow yourself to become addicted to your partner's addiction, the end result will be that both of you will succumb to it. I know because this happened to me when my son was addicted. Taking a step back and detaching a bit will do a world of good for you. Detaching doesn't mean that we stop loving or caring. It just means that we learn to love and care without driving ourselves crazy.

    If you have a partner--or any loved one--who's an addict, you may want to read this blog I wrote not too long ago. 

    Loving an addict is incredibly challenging. You need to educate yourself and work hard on your own recovery. That's the only way to get through it.

  • Despite never having been in a relationship with an addict before, I can absolutely understand how difficult it would be and the challenges it would present as someone who battled addiction myself. I think the hardest for me would be the constant wondering and questions - trust is such a big thing for me these days and it would be tough not being able to trust that what someone was saying was truthful.
  • Hi!  I am new here.  I love this article!  You hit the nail on the head, in many areas.  But, like you say, each situation is unique.  I get the "crazy" or, as I like to call it, neurotic feeling.  I can't sleep, I can't eat.  I watch his every move to see if I notice a change in behavior.  I wait for him to sleep and I search through his truck, the garage, and the basement.  I have thought about hiding cameras, tracking his phone, etc. 

    This has been going on for 11 years.  He finally went into an outpatient program in December 2014, and completed successfully.  When he left the program, he never went to any meetings, never found a therapist, never did anything to help his recovery.

    Before Christmas, his mom found him a psychiatrist that he began seeing.  This doctor prescribed him Vyvanse and Lexapro.  Last month, I went with him to the dr and expressed my concerns.  I also notified the dr of some odd behavior of my husband's, and that it was making me feel crazy and that I thought he was using again. 

    Last night, I found some small blue round pills, with markings on them.  I googled them and found out that they are Roxy 30's - a pain killer - opiate.  I also looked at his prescriptions, and he is taking his Vyvanse as prescribed, but he has not been taking the Lexapro.

    We have two children together, and I have two from my previous marriage, one of which lives with us.  The children have no idea, but I fear that if the state finds out about my husband's addiction, they will intervene with the children.

    I do not work, I am currently obtaining my bachelor's degree.  I have been in school for the last 6 years and will graduate this coming May.  I am studying paralegal and am graduating as a member of the national and legal honor's societies. 

    I have been working towards independence and freedom.  I love my husband, but, I cannot keep going like this!!!

  • Love the section about empowering yourself! The last thing you want to do is fall into a spiral of your own negative emotions. All you can really do is try to be an example but not in a way that you are trying to show him something. Be an example for yourself and get into the idea of varying your own lifestyle. Try new things, and if that doesn't work then you know wen you go back to your own habits they will be changed by your perspective of them. Change is a constant!
  • @Nickie thanks for sharing. i'm glad you are working on your independence...YOU matter. i'm sure you love your husband, but at some point...sometimes...changes need to be made.
  • @MarrieButAlone just checking in to see how you are doing. did you make it to nar-anon?
  • I really needed to hear this! I just found out about my husband's addiction and the situation has rapidly declined in a matter of weeks. I thought the best thing to do is draw a hard line in the sand and immediately started the separation process. I thought this would shake something in my husband but it didn't! He seems totally fine with throwing our whole life away. That's when I started to obsess with his every move. Every time he didn't come home I drove around, checked his phone, checked the bank accounts thinking that  if he saw our life falling apart and if he saw my pain it would make a difference because I know he loves me. None of it did. So now I'm looking for ways to cope, move forward... do anything but this. My every hope is that we can still be together, but I don't know if that can happen. I need a plan.  
  • @Heartbrokenwife  glad you got something out of this. yes, a plan is helpful...what are you thinking?  

  • sarahj
    Can someone please tell me what i can do?
    Im in a relationship with someone addicted to cocaine, i have the horror of sleepless nights when hes out an turns his phone off when on a binge, hes moody got no oatience hes blaming me for it saying im nagging him. Then hes admitted he has a problem an says he wants help so ive booked him an appointment at the doctors and know hes saying im not helping im pressuring him. I have a full time job and 4 children. Ive tried everything and as much as i love him and he loves me he says he doesnt want to lose me but i dont know what to do...... Do i leave him and hope it makes him realise?? This is the last thing i want but also the last resort as i cant take no mre. Im worried if i do it will make him worse and then i will feel to blame if he gets even worse. Hes gone from snorting it to eating it because his nose is so bad now, can someone please tell me what the right thing for me to do is?
  • @sarahj... I don't know that I can tell you what the right thing to do with regards to your partner is. But I can tell you that the most important thing you can do is to take good care of yourself and your children. You and your kids are the most important people in your lives. If your partner has a problem that he's not ready to confront, there's not a whole lot you can do for him. It doesn't matter how much YOU want him to change. He has to want to do it. Al-Anon teaches us that we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. But we can certainly make ourselves crazy trying to do so.

    You deserve to live a healthy, happy life. It seems like your partner's addiction is preventing you from doing that. It's affecting you and, more than likely, your children, too. If it were me--and this is only my opinion--I think I would seriously consider leaving. If doing so motivates your partner to change his ways, then it's totally worth it. And if leaving doesn't bring about any change in your partner, then you're out of a situation that likely wasn't going to get better. But, again... This is only my opinion. You have to decide what is right for you and your situation.

    I will keep you and your children in my thoughts and prayers. And your partner, too. Living with someone who has addiction is one of the greatest challenges we can ever face. I wish you nothing but the best, my friend.

    Sending you peace and hugs.
  • @DeanD thank you for youre kind words, my partner is one amazing person when normal. Its hard and so sad to see someone u love get lost in their ways, i worry so much and im trying to talk to him but he keeps putting blame on me. He said he will get help this week but i need to not pressure him, im going to keep quiet and silently worry but if he doesnt im telling him to leave. X
  • @sarahj... We are here for you anytime you need us. Don't hesitate to reach out whenever you need to.
  • My boyfriend of a year is an addict. He was addicted to Klonopin and Tramadol when I first met him. Granted I did not know this until 2 months into our relationship. His addiction got him put in jail for 3 months and he was essentially forced to get clean. Things were going good for him, we were working on rebuilding our relationship and then he was in an accident.

    To make a long story short, he was a pedestrian and was hit by a truck while checking the mail. He was in and out of hospitals for 3 months. He had several surgeries. One of which gave him an colostomy bag which will be reversed at some point. He still has 2 more surgeries to go. He was/is on a lot of high powered pain meds....this is his new addiction.

    He currently is perscribed Fentanyl Patches (100mcg) he is suppose to wear 2 but he only wears one because he (in his words) "trying to ween himself off." He also is perscribed Norco 325/10mg.

    Because of the accident he has to live with his parents. Sadly his mom an addiction problem as well and will take some of his meds (I have witnessed this) so he runs out plus he takes them like they are candy and he chews on the patches. Then he is in the situation we are in right now...him going through withdrawals because he can't get his meds refilled yet. He says he wants to die. In my head I think if he can just get through the withdrawals he will see it will get better, but I'm sure it isn't that easy.

    I know I can't fix him or save him. I have learned to say no when he asks for something. He keeps saying 'after my surgeries I will be able to get off these meds for good'....to me that is a BS excuse, but I'm not the one in pain so I hold onto a little hope. Sometimes I wonder if the pain is in his head, but again I wasn't hit by a truck so I can't imagine. I asked him if he recognizes he has a problem and he needs help, he said yes. But I'm not stupid he doesn't want help. I don't know what to do. I love this man with all my heart, and I just want to get us out of this cycle. I think part of him wants out of it too, by some of the comments he has made.
  • @Nluvwithanaddict... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing. I'm so sorry to hear about your boyfriend's struggles, and I'm sorry his situation is affecting you the way it is. Loving someone with addiction is never easy.

    Has your boyfriend considered seeing a pain management doctor? The pain management doctor may be able to help him find other ways--or supplemental ways--to control his pain. The way your boyfriend is abusing some of his meds (chewing on Fentanyl patches allows the drug to enter the body much quicker) tells me that he definitely has some issues. I think talking to his doctor about this might be a good thing.

    You're right when you say you can't save your boyfriend. He's the only one who can do that. But you're a great partner for being concerned. Keep talking to him about this subject and let him know how his behavior makes you feel. Maybe you will eventually be able to motivate him to curb his habit a bit.

    We are here to help and support you however we can. Don't hesitate to reach out whenever you need to.

    Peace and hugs.

  • @DeanD...He has to go through an Indian Hospital and their process is the most absurd thing ever. His dr is supposedly is a pain management dr. He says he has been honest with her and told her that he was chewing on patches, but I'm not there with him so I don't know if he has. I am sure he is just telling me what I want to hear. I have asked to go with him to the dr which he has said I could, but because of my job I'm not able to unless I happen to be off on that day or I take off, which isn't something I can do right now. I have no legal right to call and talk to her, so my hands are tied there. I did call their behavioral health services to see what the process was to get help. He has said several times he didn't care if he died, if it would just end the pain and stop him having to depend on pain meds to function. I don't know if that would give me the right to talk to his dr if I am concerned about his safety?

    We had a huge fight because of me telling him how it makes me feel. About the chewing on the patches, the lies I see through, that every time he tries to do good and does good then slips up it breaks me a little bit more. I think he hears me, I just don't know if it is getting through to him. How can I make him realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it will get better? I am the only one in his life fighting for him to want to get better, do I keep bringing it up until he hears me?

    I have sought out these forums, because I have no one to talk to. I have stopped making excuses for him to the people who care about us. The looks I get are almost a worse feeling than watching him go through withdrawals. I feel his addiction is starting to affect my job, because I am so focused on if he is ok, doing what he is suppose to be doing, etc. His addiction has effected my finances and betrayed my trust, that is why I have started to say no. It was suggested when I called behavioral health services that I go to a support group but I'm not a member of the tribe so they couldn't help me. They gave me a number to call and that number referred me to Al-Anon meetings. I don't know anything about them.
  • @Nluvwithanaddict i feel for you i really do. Its the hardest thing ever, i joined this for advice and for someone to talk to who has more of an idea what its like. My firends just say im too soft and i need to end it but im scared it will make him worse. He has spoken to the doctor and they have said it sounds like he has depression and the taking drugs is his coping mechanism, hes been ok now for 3 days he hasnt gne out with friends and hes just signed up to the gym to give himself a hobby apart from just working. He lost his dad in sept an then he had hihs n lows from then also a really bad childhood so I think depression is probably a definate but it doesnt help either way because of the drugs if he carrys on it will only make him feel worse xx
  • @Nluvwithanaddict... Thanks for the updated post. It helps me understand your situation a bit more.

    As far as how you can call his doctor and talk to her... I think the only way that would be possible is if your boyfriend signed a document that gave you permission to discuss his medical situation/treatment with you. Do you think he'd do that? If not, I think you're out of luck.

    Also, it sounds to me like you're starting to become addicted to your boyfriend's addiction. If his situation is affecting your job and finances, you're going down a dangerous road. I know, because my wife and I went down the same road when our son was addicted to heroin. His addiction consumed us and started to rip our lives apart. We finally realized that we had to detach a little in order to save ourselves. We had to practice self-care and make sure we weren't overrun by his addiction.

    I want to recommend an amazing book to you. It's called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change, and it's written specifically for partners and loved ones of addicts. It's a book I wish I would've had when my son was struggling. It teaches how you can communicate better with your loved one using love and kindness instead of anger. The methods discussed in the book can help you motivate your loved one to change. The book also discusses self-care, and why it's so important to take care of YOU, even though your loved one is the addict. Honestly, I can't recommend this book highly enough. I talk a bit more about it in this blog I wrote not too long ago (it's the first book discussed in the blog): 

    6 Essential Books for Those with an Addicted Loved One

    Read my blog post. Order that book and read it. I can pretty much guarantee that you'll get a lot out of it.

    I will continue to pray for you and your boyfriend. Please remember that we're here for you. Go forward, be brave, and keep the faith.

    Peace and hugs.
  • Very good and in depth article, the person that is a addicted has to make the decision to stop. Unfortunately no one else can do it for him. I don't doubt for a second that if a loved one could they would.
    It can be even painful seeing them destroy themselves but the best we can do is never stop giving them support and hope that sooner or later they will stop.
  • Being with an addict woh refuses to get help is one of the worst experiences ever, it's the most mentally debilitating one and can really hurt your health if you stay long enough. 

    That is why I advice all those people who come here to walk away from their addict, because come on, no one deserves to carry around that cross...  the frustration of seeing them sink more and more into addiction and not wanting help can totally destroy you,  I don't like ultimatums, but in cases like those I think they are needed.  You need to say:  You must find help and try or else you will have to do this alone.  
  • @DeanD thank you ive downloaded the book
  • @sarahj... I'm glad to hear you downloaded the book. Let me know what you think of it.

    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. :)
  • I totally recommend the 12 Step groups. I've been in relationship with actively using alcoholics and addicts and those in recovery. Either one can drive you lulu. If I hadn't gotten in AlAnon, I wouldn't be here today. It helped me to be around others who knew exactly what I was going through. Everyone gets a turn to share. They have tissues and let me know the meetings are a safe place to shed the tears I'm holding inside. Whether I'm having a bad day or a good day, even if I've missed meetings, I'm always welcome. The program really does work. You get out of it what you put into it. So I do recommend making the meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps. One of my friends says she likes the recovery me better than the old me and I agree.
  • Loving an addict is a very tough situation. Sadly, people seem to overlook the main picture as they get lost in details and questions like those you listed. But they do this because they are worried for their spouses, and I won't condemn them. Addicts are like underground mines, you can never know when they are going to do something dangerous or disappear. Not everyone knows how to handle these situations, help or be patient.
  • @sarahj... How are things going? Thinking of you, my friend.
  • This is a very hard topic for all. I am in recovery for over a year and my boyfriend uses Opiates for back pain. He goes to pain management clinic and gets them legally, really hard for me knowing he needs them and I want to take them on occasion for recreational use.
  • Dominica, thank you for this article.
    DeanD, your responses are smart and loving.
    I made notes from the article and checked off all of the points that I have done or am doing.  Referring to my notes for support since I have gone crazy in a relationship with an addict.
    I'm throwing in the towel.  His diseases will never stop.  I want to be happy, merry, trusting and loving in my remaining time on this planet. Not this dis-ease and insanity.
    Naci 3.21.16
  • @Naci... Loving an addict can be so challenging and exhausting. You have to take care of yourself first and foremost. You are a beautiful soul who deserves to be happy, merry, trusting, and loving. I wish you nothing but the best going forward.

    Peace and hugs to you, my friend. Know that we are here to assist or support you however we can.
  • My loved one is actually in jail right now and I just found out today that he has relapsed and has been using meth again for the last 7 months. I have been struggling for almost 2yrs with him using marijuana, pills and alcohol and now I find this out. We have a 8yr old and she is devastated that her daddy is not home. I work a full time job to support my household by myself and I'm always questioning what's going on when I'm not around. He can't hold a job due to stealing from his employers every time someone gives him a chance. I'm so hurt, lost, confused on what the best thing to do is. I worry so much if I can be there for him or if I should just tell him he needs to leave until he can get himself straight. I'm scared my daughter will hate me if I kick him out. Ill miss him so much and I don't want to loose him. He's doing good in jail going to meetings and church but can I trust that's going to continue. My head is such a mess I can't sleep, I over eat to try to feel better my daughter cries she misses him and that kills me. This life is the worst and I wish it on no one. I'm terrified of making the wrong choice. Do i listen to my heart or my head, my friends and family or myself. What is this situation supposed to teach me, what is the plan for me. All opinions and advice more than welcome. Thanx for listening.
  • @Krystal87... It's a tough choice, for sure. I hope that you can find the strength to make the decision that's best for you and your daughter. Remember that you and your daughter are the most important people in your life, and that you both deserve to live happy, healthy lives. 

    Sending you peace and hugs.
  • Thanks for writing this. I think it can help a lot of people in this situation. I have bookmarked this page so I can refer to it in the future. Could this be pinned?
  • This is very informative and definitely an essential resource to someone dealing with this situation (and even to those not dealing with it, as they can learn more about it and be more open-minded).
  • @Krystal87... How are you doing? Know that I'm thinking about you and your daughter.
  • So I've been married for 9 years with a 5 year old and a 3 year old. My husband has been consistently battering pain pills addiction for the last 6 years. He got sober but about 2 years ago he began to have problems and I agreed to him smoking marijuana to help cope. As I feared that has gotten out of hand and now he abuses it and his life pretty much revolves around it. I'm emotional spent from all of this, I feel myself not being as attention email sometimes to the kids cause I become depressed after an argument with him or just dealing with this. Ivery spoken with others and gave him 60 days to stop smoking or he will have to leave. We are at our 60 days. Own and he is in mental turmoil. He's angry for me doing this to him, he feels there is no way out or no overcoming. I don't feel emotionallyon strong enough to be t bg email support he needs. He refuses to tell family cause of fear. He gets very upset when I mention therapy. He refuses to go to meetings, he wants to do this his own way but I'm afraid it will not stick. I do love my husband and I deeply care for him but am so tired of all this. I see myself and the things I'm not doing with or for my kids, like reading them books and such. Instead I'm too down, or trying to get my husband back up, or dealing with the house, etc... I'm drained and spent. What does a person do when the addict does not want to get help..... any input would be appreciated. Thank you.
  • @Lostwith2... Welcome to the community. I'm so sorry for what you're going through with your husband, but I'm glad you found us and reached out. Thanks for sharing so honestly.

    Loving an addict is one of the most challenging things any human being can be asked to do. It's so easy to get completely consumed by your loved one's addiction, and when that happens everyone begins to suffer. That's why addiction is so often referred to as "a family disease."

    You have every right to establish boundaries for your husband. You did that when you gave him 60 days to stop smoking pot. Now that you're at the 60-day point, are you going to insist that he leave? Based on my experience with my son and his addiction, I know that establishing boundaries or giving ultimatums and then not following through with the consequences just makes it way easier for the addict. If you don't do what you said you were going to do, they see you as weak and easily manipulated. (And addicts are master manipulators.)

    You and your kids should be the number one priority in your life. You deserve to be happy and healthy (physically and emotionally), as do your kids. If your husband doesn't want to get help--and I highly recommend professional help over trying to get clean on his own--you can't make him do it. Unfortunately, though, that will mean some tough decisions for you. 

    I wish I had better advice for you. I know it's incredibly hard to be in your position. You may want to pick up a copy of a book called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. It's written specifically for partners and loved ones of addicts and it's full of really helpful information. It talks about how to deal with your addict and how to take care of YOU while you're doing it. (Self-care is absolutely essential when you're in a situation like yours.) It's a book I wish I would've had when my son was struggling with his addiction. I also recommend that you seek out a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting in your area and attend. Being around people who know exactly what you're going through can be super helpful and comforting.

    Please know that you are not alone. We are here to help and support you however we can, whether it's offering advice or just listening to you vent. You are safe here and can lean on us anytime. In the meantime, I'm sending you positive vibes full of hope and will keep you, your husband, and your kids in my thoughts and prayers. 

    Love and light to you, my friend.

  • Hi new to this site but can relate to all of this, I've been with my partner for three years I knew he was a heroin addict and alcoholic but was
    Clean for two years when I met him I fell in love I have two young children then I noticed things were going wrong a year and a half ago and I've stuck by him I love him but I know now he's not going to stop how do I walk away thanks
  • @eallen... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing with us. I'm sorry to hear your partner is struggling. There's no doubt that loving someone with addiction is an incredible challenge.

    The most important thing to remember is this: YOUR life matters, too. You have to put yourself--and your kids--first. You deserve to live a happy, healthy life. If you can't do that with your partner, then it may indeed be time for you to move on. (Also, having your kids grow up around someone with an addiction problem is not a good thing at all.)

    I don't have any magic advice on how to walk away. I think you may have to figure that out on your own. But I know that you shouldn't feel guilty about making the decision to do so.

    You might want to check out Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. It's a great book and it might help you deal with your issues.

    We are here to help and support you however we can, my friend...so reach out anytime.

    I'm sending you positive vibes and lots of hugs. Remember that none of your partner's problems are your fault. And that you and your kids deserve happiness.

    Love and light to you.

  • How easy it is to lose all sense of ground. What does one do when in a relationship with a crack addict, I blame myself for my lack of trust, for my paranoia, for my constant checking up, for my own rage, for my acute sense of the lies...it is then you begin to feel like an animal, undeserving of anything better. That's how I feel. I don't know if anyone else questions their sanity and falls into unreasonable state, into rage...

    What makes it even more confusing is the excellent conductorship my addict has when he is not using; he can fool anyone - he's fooled me. 

    I know of my shortcomings; I suffer from abandonment issues, feelings of insecurity, feeling unloved etc etc...and I blame myself for not being able to maintain even an addicts interest in me as a woman. He wears tight clothes, it makes me feel uneasy, insecure. It's bad enough I feel I don't have him in his emotional absence but I know he gets plenty of attention when out of sight. He goes missing for a few days at a time. 

    Then on a perfect morning, I'll fall into a rage and start accusing him of lying and cheating. He says I'm crazy and he can't live with me, that he's done with me. 

    God knows what I have put up with and yet when my weakness takes me, he's done with me you see. 

    Don't get me wrong - life is big for me, amidst the suffering I maintain my interests and I try to live to the best of my ability given the situation, however, I feel I cannot leave the house when he's home in fear that he will trash it as he does when he breaks the boundaries and uses in the house. 

    Just wanted to share...there's much more that sits on the heart. 
  • @ss29pj... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing. I'm glad you're here.

    What you describe is very common, my friend. So many people become addicted to their loved one's addiction. When that happens, life can become unbearable for everyone. 

    You may want to consider seeing a therapist. I think it could really help you. I know therapy saved my life when I was going through my son's addiction. Also, the Codependent No More book I recommended in the post above yours would probably help you, too.

    Please know that you are not alone. Addiction is a family disease that affects so many more than just the addict. And there are so many of us out there.

    We will help you, support you, and listen to you anytime you need us to. Without judgment. Just reach out and lean on us whenever you feel like it. Okay?

    Sending you lots of love and light. And hope.
  • @ss29pj  thanks for sharing... i can relate to much of what you wrote. i actually thought i wrote some of it ( :) )

    i was with an ex-addict. emotionally not as available as i'd like.. neither of us ready for a "mature" relationship. too many old wounds and we'd become like two little girls trying to have an adult relationship. toxic to the max at times.

    like you, i became aware of  my insecurities. fear of abandonment was so real for me...i was not aware of it for a while, but i was also determined to figure it out... like, I WANTED TO BE HAPPY. 

    so i began a journey... to get help...to help myself.. to heal and grow.

    you say you are aware of your issues... but are you willing to do what it takes to DEAL with them? 

    i was addicted to my partner. i needed her affection and attention... my worth was based on her. and even after i knew that, i still stayed because when we would break up (for the millioneth time) i was a basket case in withdrawal, TERRIFIED OF BEING ALONE.

    yes, i loved her, but i was incapable of pulling off a healthy relationship. so was she. 

    so are you and so is your bf.
    right now anyway.

    the codependent/addict cycle. totally becomes tiring huh? exhausting...

    there came a point where i said enough is freakin' enough. i was gonna figure ME out or run so far away no one would ever see me again.

    so i did. got help. began studying codependency...went to nar-anon, codependents anonymous, got a sponsor (who listened to me babble...whine...cry...and still loved me)... i read countless books...

    and yes, ended the relationship. good lord we needed to. both of us...we both knew we were NOT READY to be all blissful in a healthy relationship.

    was it hard? hell yes. i suffered immensely for months....but i knew deep down i wanted to be happy and letting go of my addiction...and getting HELP was necessary.

    fast forward almost 4 years now. wow. 

    so much good. it was worth it. all of it.. 
    i'm saying all this to say...

    if you want something different, DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

    sweetie, i believe in you.... that you can begin to journey toward healing...growth.. self-love and self-worth... but it will require you to make some big changes... 

    i'm asking you to think about YOUR journey. (not his) YOUR LIFE. (not his) yes, you love him, but YOU are important... 

    well, i've said a mouthful eh?

    i'm here for you.. never a judgment.. only unconditional love. 
    i've been in your shoes regarding the feelings... 

    here's a free ebook i offer... tells a bit about my story and what helped me. maybe you'll glean something from it.

    ok, be in touch if you like! Rooting for YOU!
  • @DeanD Thank you so much for your kind words. It's ironic how it took an addict to reveal my own shortcomings, especially when it's so easy to blame others and yet...the broken spirit can act vile and angry, and that I sure am. We search and search. 
  • @ss29pj... Anytime, my friend. We're here to help however we can. :)
  • @dominica .. So true dear friend. Every word. Even cried when read this. 

    The thing is, I do work on self unrelentingly (although never seems enough but I'm building stamina) yet like you say, or to the effect of, when in bondage, really the only way to grow is not to be in bondage; this usually means to tear it up, lacerate yourself from the other (often unavoidable), heal and only then will you live again. And that too has to stem from an emotionally intelligent, conscious place. 

    It is very easy to blame the other when resentment builds up. Especially when the stimulus never rests, a constant pounding to the most vulnerable part from which stems love and other great things and yet, when that tender part is constantly distressed, that's when one turns vile and beastly. 

    Thank you for the link. Thank you for your support. 

  • @ss29pj you're waking up... and that's a good thing..and you're willing to look at your side of the street for clean up. that's big!

    partners are mirrors in many ways.... even if it's to mirror our own feelings of unworthiness...or fears... or other negative emotions or traits.

    all opportunity for growth.

    be easy on yourself..in the way that we're all here learning lessons..

    and if one modality isn't working when it comes to healing and growing and evolving and moving on...then try something different or add to what you're doing... it's never a "one size fits all" approach to LIFE!


  • @ss29pj... Just want you to know that I'm thinking about you today. I hope things are going well for you. Check in with us if you get a chance. And always remember: Your life matters, too. :)
  • This article has many strong points, and it's relieving to read that somehow, I'm taking the right steps. Maybe no eyes will read my post, for we all have issues and baggage. I found this article and have decided to use, re-read it, and hopefully it'll keep me grounded. No person, not even those in similar situations can understand how agonizing it is to have an addict running rampant in your life, especially in your daily thoughts.. I can take these steps, be mindful and strong, understanding and have a legitimate curiosity for this thing we call "addiction," but no matter how grounded I keep myself, no matter how educated I think I am, I am genuinely going crazy and slowly losing my mind behind closed doors. I don't quite know how to cope with feeling like a crazy lady.. I just find myself being tired and grumpy and seriously hating everyone. How do I wake up after every incident? How am I supposed to move forward when my children may or may not be in the hands of someone who has just done lines and lines of coke? How do I find strength within when no one cares anymore.. I feel numb and I'm scared. I know that leaving my husband will be his only shot at sobriety but that isn't fair, I love sober him and the life we have. I don't want to leave him but how else will he get better? My husband has to hit rock bottom but that means I will equally be miserable in the process, which then will lead to our daughters having long lasting effects which may lead to them becoming addicts because their mother was weak and damaged. As you can see, I'm
    losing my mind. I know what I have to do, but would rather be selfish and keep the man I love, and just hope he finds his way. This is literally just me ranting. Everyone I know has given up on him, and I'm THAT wife who is probably viewed as stupid for dealing with the insane on a weekly basis. On that note, how do I ensure my children will be resilient and will not turn to drugs or alcohol?? If he's an addict, and I cannot deal with that in a healthy way, are they doomed? I try to make mindfulness a part of their core but for all I know I'm messing them up even more.... So, I guess after my rather long rant, my main question, for anyone out there - or no one; how do I protect my children's future lifestyle choices if their father is an addict of cocaine, weed and alcohol (and who is NEVER home because of work)? Or am I just crazy and need to call down..
  • @MamaBearOnStrike i hear you...thank you for sharing and sharing so honestly....

    first, know that you're not alone. others are feeling just as crazy and disillusioned, and scared... this may not solve the issues, but still.... you are not alone.

    i've not been in your shoes...exactly. but i have been in a toxic relationship that made me feel crazy...and i was weak and it took me years to get strong enough to leave for both of our sakes... yes, there was love, but neither of us were emotionally mature enough to have a healthy relationship...

    to answer your question about assuring that your children don't turn to substances... i don't think there is a full-proof way to do that. even the functional families with parents who are there and healthy...can turn out kids that become addicts or alcoholics. and some that come from abusive or addictive families sometimes turn out never touching the stuff.  not sure how old they are..but have an honest heart-to-heart with them. if they're old enough to understand, tell them your dilemma. your fears. be vulnerable...let them SEE you...and then assure them that they are loved unconditionally.

    counseling helped me a lot. i had so much to process and i was going crazy too. i went to codependent anonymous and got a sponsor. i had NO IDEA how to cope with what i was feeling and i was not strong enough to leave... so reach out for what supports you can get right now.  

    be there for your children best as you can. open and honest. if you don't want to leave your husband, see ways in which you can come to better terms with the disease of addiction..or learn how to set and keep boundaries with your husband. or just contemplate a separation for a period of time...so both of you can work on yourselves (if he is willing)... is he willing???

    honey, i wish i had better advice or an easy solution... i think the best thing i can be right now is a sounding board...someone who will listen...and share your pain... you must be exhausted. :/ 

    it's a lot to pile on the shoulders.

    i was emotionally crazy...depressed...scared..no, petrified... that went on for maybe 5 years... now, 3 years later... out of the toxic relationship, much counseling, many youtube videos helping me understand, sponsor, reading books, talking to others, meditating, crying, praying,..
    baby step by baby step i dealt with my own feelings of unworthiness...my own self-loathing (that kept me thinking i had to endure a toxic relationship)...my own victim mentality...and my own addiction (to a person)... today i am no longer imprisoned like that. i am free. i am worthy. i love myself and my kids??

    they were 14 when all of this started occuring and today they are 22 and 23 and thank me for standing up for myself. for NOT settling in a toxic relationship. for having the guts to discover who i was at a deep, deep level..to heal old wounds..to break the cycle...to do what was extremely difficult... and the hell they went through, they look back and see the VALUABLE LIFE LESSONS they learned at a young age (as opposed to me in my 30's)... sure, breaking their hearts with a divorce crushed mine, but my heart needed to be crushed so that I would finally WAKE UP to so many things...

    our breakdowns can be the platform for a spiritual awakening...

    to read more about my story and on various topics, feel free to visit my site : Dominica Applegate

    i hope this helps...please keep in touch... 
  • @MamaBearOnStrike... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing so openly and honestly with us. I know you're struggling, and I'm sorry. Loving someone who has addiction issues is incredibly challenging and draining, both physically and mentally.

    Dominica has already given you some terrific advice. The most important thing you can do right now is to take care of yourself and your kids. You all deserve to live happy, healthy lives. If you allow yourself to become addicted to your husband's addiction, you will all suffer immensely. So as hard as it may be, please take time to work on you...and your kids.

    As far as protecting your children's future lifestyles... That's something all of us parents worry about. I think the key is communicating with your kids from an early age and letting them know the truth about drugs and alcohol. There are so many mixed messages about substances floating around our society these days, so you have to be the one to teach your kids. A great source for information is The Partnership for Drug-Free Kids website. They have all sorts of information that can help parents, including an excellent "Prevention Tips for Every Age" section. Here's the link to that:

    Please know that you're not alone, my friend. We are here to help, support, and love you whenever you feel the need. We will always listen without judgment, so you are safe here. 

    I am sending you lots of positive vibes and big hugs full of hope. Definitely look into support meetings and counseling. They can be a huge help. I know, because I've benefited from both.

    Thanks again for sharing. We truly care about you.
  • @dominica
    Wow. Thank you for both taking time to read my rant and respond. Dominica, I feel as though you are me from the future, if that makes sense. I have definitely grown so much on an emotional intelligence level because of this relationship but reading your words has triggered yet another question: have I grown up enough? The answer is no and I definitely need to educate myself even more, as you did with videos and literature. I think this forum is a good start and I am so thankful for your response.
    @deand THANK YOU for that webpage! My kids are pretty young - 4 and 1 - but I know that whatever they hear and see now will have ramifications for life. so thank you for this resource. your words "being addicted to his addiction" really hit a nerve. I seriously have no clue how to un-addict myself from his addiction.. like... No clue. I am sitting here chuckling to myself because of how accurate that is. This goes back to having to educate myself even more..

    I should have majored in addiction studies is what I keep telling myself..

    I have attended an ALANON meeting and it didn't fit with me. I did feel judged for staying with my husband. I have a hard time in social situations in general so I was overwhelmed and awkward (as I usually am.) I didn't agree with their "to love them, leave them" advice
    so I never went again.

    I still feel crazy, but at least I can figure out a plan to feel less crazy..

  • @MamaBearOnStrike... Maybe you should check out SMART Recovery's Family & Friends meetings. SMART is an alternative to 12-step programs and their F&F meetings are great. You can find out more info about them here:

    We're here for you, my dear. You don't have to do this alone. :)
  • I know how you feel mamabearonstrike. I haven't been to a meeting because, where I live we have no support group meetings for people with family members suffering from addictions or alcoholism. My family is happy that I have walked away from him. They don't know he has a drug problem. They just don't like him from the things he has done in the past. My friends, some of them, was supportive of our relationship. When they found out he was an addict they wanted me to find someone better. For me he was my better, but he just needed love and help to get better. I was trying to be understanding of why he would smoke weed. From weed it went to meth. Then I just discovered he recently did cocaine. I feel ashamed, stupid, and embarrassed if I take him back now. Especially after he wrecked my car that I had just got. I still love him even though I'm angry at him for totaling my car and keep using drugs after promising to not do it anymore. I still want to help him and a part of me hopes that we can be together in the future.  
  • I completely understand your struggle mamabearonsrick.  I wanted to share a little with you that I too love an addict and its 13 years later from that first day of discovering the severity of the addiction.  We no longer live in the same house my full story is in a different location.  I am not sure I think its titled What brings you hear.  One thing that really helped me to start detaching from the craziness and allowed for some peace in my life was to make a clear list of 5  things that I wouldn't tolerate and what the consequences would be.  I wrote several, for example if I felt my child was in danger I would find someone else to watch her or if he became physical with me then I would leave, if he took money from my account without permission I would no longer give him the money card. I waited for a good day to read these boundaries to him and made sure that he understood: it went something like this "  I love you very much and know you can overcome this addiction and I love our daughter and myself I have written a few things I would like for you to hear"  I said you have the choice to use drugs and If you decide to cross one of these boundaries then I have choices also. He shook his head in agreement. Without the help of the therapist I wouldn't have even had the words to use.  We practiced it.  I carried the paper everywhere,I knew if I couldn't  pull it out and read it I would be stuck in my feelings and never act on the  boundaries set.  It was simple to write, harder to follow through when those boundaries were crossed.  It helped  me tremendously to find a little more peace than I was currently experiencing, it was one of those positive changing moments for me .  You may want to think of trying something similar.  I'm glad that this site is available. It has been encouraging to read and share the experiences and feel the love.
  • @Bdn20 hi there! thank you for sharing that. i think that is so powerful and glad you were able to set those boundaries and make the break.  what a great idea by that therapist to help you be in your power.

    i think others in the same shoes may benefit from doing the same thing! :)
  • @Bdn20... Very insightful comment. Thanks so much for posting it. :)
  • @MamaBearOnStrike  btw, i love that username :)

    it's ok not to know right this minute what to do... i try to look at things less like right or wrong... things just are.

    i had to renew my mind...and do some deep soul searching.. i had to go all the way back to childhood and heal some tender wounds and deal with this crazy fear of abandonment.  

    but yes, listening to others helped a lot, so continue to do that and i hope you will join us on this life journey..this "recovery.org" family who supports and encourages each other no.matter.what. (never a judgment. who are we to judge????)

    anyway, proud of you for making the effort and victories thus far. you're such a good mom..... and a good soul.

    sending big big hug your way.
  • Hurt33 I 100% feel you! I'm stuck between this idea of maybe if I left he'd be better then we could try again and just sticking it out. "Love" is a tricky concept, the older I get the less I understand It. Thank you for your input! Reading these comments have a strange power of normalizing what is completely unbearable. bnd20 boundaries. Wow. What a concept! I felt as though I had set them but, man.. I definitely have not. Your suggestion is golden. I now just have to write them down and stick to it o_O I also think that maybe I should go to therapy. Maybe I can find the right words with some support there. Such a great suggestion!! Boundaries!! One word with so much power!! I'll have to look for your other post.
    Deand thank you AGAIN for yet another webpage/group suggestion. You are a great source for resources.
    Dominica I love complimens so keep 'em coming ;) Im thankful I can unwind on here. I think I will read new posts little by little and keep moving down this path open to suggestions (which is so hard because I am a brat and always feel like I know better, but I
    never do).
    My husband is home for about a week and a half so I will need to implement as many suggestions as possible (especially in about 3 days when he usually goes off the deep end.) I will try to not be addicted to his addiction, begin a draft of boundaries, find some kind of meeting or therapy, and figure out how to find legitimate YouTube videos...
  • @MamaBearOnStrike... Dominica is right: It's okay not to know what to do. This is what I believe...

    You do the best you can with what you know at the time, learn as much as you can as you go along, and try to do better. That's all we can really do, right? 

    Sending you lots of love and light, my friend. :)
  • @MamaBearOnStrike hey there! just checking in to see how you're doing.

    when you get a chance, drop in and let us know.

    we are here for you!
  • I never have even posted in a chat group. I find myself at a loss. I found the love of my life.. after many heartbreaks and disappointments, I finally found the love of my life.

    Trouble is he's a recovering heroin addict. He's been clean for three years now, but he's replaced that addiction with whiskey. I noticed it first when we moved in and he'd be drunk coming home from work. The industry he works in allows drinking and I told him he had to stop drinking at work. No problem he said.

    Fast forward four months later he's been lying about drinking at work. The alcohol bottles are popping up everywhere. He promised me he'd change and then Fourth of July I find him drinking whiskey in a garage. I was devastated and heartbroken. I didn't even have the strength to yell, just cry. His dad found me crying and sent him to find me.. from there he suggested I get the fuck out or he'll escort me out. I left crying as he waved. I moved most of my things in 1.5 hours by myself.

    He waited a few days to contact me and has recommitted to na and is making a change and he does have a problem. And working on us and wants counseling. I've been heartbroken and decided to go back home help him through it. I get a call from his drinking buddies wife that her husband is trashed. I call my boyfriend and ask if he's been drinking and he said no.. I say that's not what I heard but I'll be home soon.

    I walk in the house to find him drunk saying I made him drink bc I accused him and he wouldn't have had I just believed in him. He told me our relationship is over because of me and I hope I'm happy with myself. I couldn't even speak between the sobbing all I could say is my car is packed I was moving home today. I was moving home today.

    After being physically sick, sobbing, screaming, and having a panick attack, I left. Two hours later he is drunk as a skunk knocking on my window with a letter apologizing. I had to force him to stay over. Keep my distance and I'm honestly broken now myself.

    I feel like I've lost my best friend, future husband, dreams of a family, and boyfriend in a matter of minutes. I keep replaying the scenarios in my head and praying for a new outcome. I'm so alone. And I feel like I'm losing the love of my life. He's my fairytale person when he's sober, he's better than I could ever dream of being. I'm so alone and so sad.
  • @Losinghope1109... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing so openly and honestly with us. I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your partner, but I'm glad you found us and reached out. It was a courageous step for you to come here and I'm proud of you for doing so.

    I know you said you feel alone, but the truth is that you're not alone. There are so many people in situations similar to the one you're in. Loving someone who struggles with addiction is incredibly challenging, as you no doubt already know. Addiction is a family disease, and it affects more than just the person who has it.

    Al-Anon, the support organization for loved ones of people battling alcohol addiction teaches this: "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it." Truer words were never spoken. Unfortunately, no matter how my you want your partner to change, he is the only one who can decide to do so. Until he makes that decision, and is willing to work hard at getting sober, you will likely continue to go through more of what you've already been through.

    My advice would be to take really good care of yourself right now. Self-care is essential when someone you love is fighting addiction. If you don't work on you, you will end up becoming to your partner's addiction and you will both end up suffering. Self-care isn't being selfish! It's absolutely necessary.

    I would also suggest finding an Al-Anon or SMART Recovery Friends & Family meeting in your area and checking it out. It can be very helpful and comforting to be surrounded by people who know exactly what you're going through and feeling. 

    Drugs and alcohol can have an incredibly negative effect on someone's personality. The nicest people can turn into total monsters when they're under the influence. It might be best if you detach a bit now and let your partner decide what he wants to do. Detaching doesn't mean you stop loving, caring, or supporting; it just means that you learn to do those things without making yourself crazy. 

    We are here for you. We are a caring group of people who will help and support you however we can. Whether you have questions, need advice, or just want to vent, we are here to listen...always without judgment. So please don't hesitate to reach out and lean on us, okay?

    In the meantime, I'm sending you lots of positive energy, hope, and big hugs. Because you deserve all of those things. Remember: YOUR life matters, too. 

    Love and light to you.
  • @Losinghope1109 
    Hi there. I'm super glad that you're here reaching out.

    Just checking to see how you're doing today. Know that you're not alone and they'll we care about you and your well-being. We're always here to listen and offer support and encouragement as we can.

    Sending you so much love!
  • Thinking of you today, @Losinghope1109. When you get a chance, let us know how you're doing. And please don't ever lose hope. 

    Big hugs.
  • Excellent thread. Apart from the last post.
  • @bubblegum... That post has been deleted and the user banned. Every once in a while, something like that slips through. But, rest assured, they will be eventually be taken care of.
  • I've never posted anything like this before, but I'm so lost
    and have no one to talk to; I feel like I'm losing my mind.


    My boyfriend, the love of my life and the man I want to
    spend the rest of my life with is a functioning meth addict and I don’t know
    what to do anymore.  He is the smartest,
    strongest, hardest working man I’ve ever known and the thought of being without
    him is impossible.  I’ve never loved
    anyone the way I love him and I’ve never wanted anything more than to settle
    down with him.  He has the most
    incredible eight year old daughter who calls me Mommy.  Her birth mother is also a meth addict and has
    fallen off the planet for the last two years – not even her own family knows
    where to find her.  My boyfriend has had
    full custody for most of the child’s life and is the best father in the
    world.  I have changed my entire life
    around for this man and this beautiful little girl and the three of us are so
    happy that sometimes it’s easy to forget that there is anything evil below the


    Days and even sometimes a week will go by where we seem to
    live so happily and so normally that I almost convince myself there are no
    problems until, completely out of the blue, he’s waking me up at 3:00 am
    because he hasn’t gone to bed yet and is so hyped up that he’s bouncing off the
    walls.  We’ve always had an amazing sex
    life, but it’s times like that where he loses any tenderness or connection and
    I feel like he hardly sees me, he just uses me for gratification.  He’s admitted to me that he smokes it every
    day and has been doing so for the past four years.  He tells me he’s already begun quitting, that
    he’s “weening himself off of it” but he’s been saying that for over four months
    and I’m losing hope.  I truly don’t think
    he’s every purposely lied to me, but it’s so hard to believe that he’s actually
    capable of quitting when every single one of his friends is into it.  He doesn’t spend much time with them, he
    focuses most of his time on his family, but there’s this constant dread, this
    pain, that lives inside of me whenever I remember that the man I want to marry
    has been putting this shit in his body for the last four years.  I’m scared. 
    I feel like I’m going to lose him, I’m always waiting for him to OD – he’s
    so smart, but when he loses control it’s the worst feeling.  One morning, I got out of the shower at 6:30 am to get
    ready for work and found him, this sweet, brilliant, sensitive man up on the
    roof cleaning out the chimney like a crazy person, and I knew he hadn’t slept at all.  Just typing that makes me feel cold inside.  How can I help him??  What words can I use to show him how badly I
    need him to get clean??  What can I do, I
    feel like I’ve lost all control of my life…

  • This is also my first time posting I a discussion group like this. I usually just hold everything in bc there's no one who can relate to what I go through on a daily basis and whenever o open up ppl usually tell me I need to move on as if it's easy as pressing a button. My boyfriend is a heroin addict. If he wasn't the father of my child things would be a lot easier for me but I keep holding on to this thought that he's gonna change one day. He says he doesn't want to be like this anymore but I feel like he does. He's literally made my life a living hell. Sometimes I feel like this just can't be real life and that I'm stuck in some type of terrible nightmare that o can't wake up from. I'm not going to lie, a lot of times I just wish he'd od and get it over with just so that it can all be over. I just want to find a way out but I feel that without me he's going to be even worst and that chance of hope will be completely gone leaving my daughter without a father. I am the only provider in the house. He has no car, no job, no money, just a bunch of excuses and a life supply of lies. Idk... I'm sure this post won't help anyone, I just kinda needed to vent. Sorry if For the typos.
  • @Tired_Mom ;Hello and welcome. I'm so sorry that you're struggling so much. Being with an addict can be extremely challenging and make you go crazy. It's definitely not the way you planned your life to go. 

    I've never been in your shoes, but I've known people that were. It was very challenging for them to know what to do and how long to hold on to hope. It is definitely not as easy as pressing a button and being able to move on. 

    I think the best thing I would advise is that you get support for yourself. This forum is a great start. Read round and get to know some of the topics and people. We're here for each other through the thick and thin without judgment.

    Consider attending a support group like nar-anon . this will give you a chance to work on you. To learn how to detach emotionally from all the chaos that goes with being with an addict. All the negative emotions, anger, resentment, fear and so on. There you will be able to get a sponsor / mentor and begin working a 12-step program that focuses on you. I remember being all wrapped up in the my ex and had no idea who I was anymore. I was overly attached and I was sick of it. I wanted a good relationship and I wanted to find myself. I went to co-dependents Anonymous and I went to nar-anon for a while and worked the program. It was the first time in my life I took my eyes off of everyone else and put them on myself. Maybe that sounds selfish, but I needed to be selfish for a while to learn that I didn't come here solely to take care of others and give up myself in the process. I am my own unique person and I deserve to have a good life and a good healthy relationship with myself and a partner.

    Okay I am rambling and I'm sorry. But do think about attending a support group. Here is a great article you can read to that has to do with being with an addict. 


    I'm really glad that you're reaching out. Know that you are not alone and we are here anytime. We will believe the best for you whether you stay with your current partner or leave.
  • I know how you feel. It is a living hell. I look back at my life when I was happy and wonder what the hell happened. My husband has been taking prescription OxyContin since 2002 for chronic pain from a work related injury. Of course he got addicted. Of course he became a drug seeker as the doctors kept lowering his doses until , after his angry outbursts and unreasonable behaviour they cut him off completely. As they were lowering his drug dose he started to drink . Of course,it started with one drink, then two then more and more and then came the violent outbursts. Then came the police at our door. Seven times now as he goes into our community and yells and screams at everyone. I wonder, every time he goes out what is going to happen.. Every day I wonder., what mood is he in now.? Like us all, we think it’s going to change for the better but it only gets worse. Hiding all of this shit from your friends. Only the close ones know what’s going on but they don’t really understand. Now, how to leave.? Financially it is tough. I have given up caring. I,vet cared too much and it cannot go on any longer. But now where? How? I always thought, not me, this won’t happen to me. It feels like I’m in a very bad movie. Luckily my kids are grown. I feel for those of you with young kids but they will keep you going and give you a reason to go on. They offer you hope and love.
  • @goodmorning hello and welcome. thanks so much for reaching out. i'm sorry your husband got addicted...and that you are going through this. i'm sure he does not want to be addicted... it's still a mystery for the most part why some people have such a tough time recognizing their addiction and/or getting treatment (that works)...

    it is challenging to be on the opposite side. i wish i had amazing advice... there are some of us here in similar situations, with loved ones in addiction. it's learning process for sure. it helps to process things here with each other and know that others care, understand, and are there!

    some of us are reading books that help us practice self-care, because we DO deserve a good life...(despite their addiction)...

    I’ve found a wonderful resource called Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT) that helps loved ones of addicts by using a positive, relationship-based approach. Helps me learn how to stay in a relationship with my loved one without losing my sanity or peace or enabling their addiction. It helps me learn to set new boundaries and communication in ways that foster empathy and healing. It teaches me that I don’t have any control over my loved one’s addiction, but I can influence change in my relationship with my loved one.


    There’s also a 20 minute online guide (free) for parents and partners of addicts:

    I suggest you read around and post in the Support For Friends and Family section. You will find that part of the forum to be a great source of information and inspiration.


    also, when i wanted to end a toxic relationship, i had so much fear. money, security, feeling like a failure, etc... i ended up going to nar-anon, and then codependents anonymous, got a sponsor, and started my own journey to freedom. it took a few years of "doing the work" for myself to get me in a spot where i could finally leave for good..and heal my own wounds.... that was about 4.5 years ago, and life today is so good. not saying you should leave....that's up to you...but, there's hope in whatever decision you make...

    and, we are here anytime.

    hope to keep seeing you around.

  • But if your loved ones is addictive, sometimes relationship does not work though you are supportive.


    Drug abuse includes misuse of prescription or non-prescription drugs, possession or exchange of illegally obtained or manufactured drugs and/or chemicals, including alcohol.
  • @PamelaParker it is true that sometimes despite what a loved one does, the relationship might not work out. even when the partner has got the "supportive tools" down pat, the addict/alcoholic may still not "recover" or a host of other factors could come into play.... (mental illness, character defects, intelligence, trauma, etc.)

  • @goodmorning... Dominica has given you some excellent advice. Please know that I'm sending you lots of positive energy, along with love, light, and hope. I'm sorry you're having to deal with your husband's addiction. Please do what you can to take care of YOU. Self-care is absolutely essential when we have a loved one struggling with addiction.

    We're here for help, support, and advice. Anytime.
  • Hi everyone.. hoping I can borrow an ear as I don’t have anyone really to talk to. My boyfriend is addicted to painkillers. We met briefly as kids and reunited a couple years ago. I’m an addict too, I guess I’m maybe what’s called a functioning one? I had a bad spell about 10 years ago, and cleaned myself up. I’ve never sought treatment. Now I’m one where if I happen upon some pills I’ll take them but I don’t seek them.. my willpower could be way better. My boyfriend lost his sobriety around the time we reunited (I didn’t know). He distanced himself from me and called me about 6 months ago and told me he needed help. He takes a lot. I don’t know how he’s still alive, it’s shocking. We connected as I’ve always been so in love with him and I agreed and signed up to help him through this.. meaning I would stop with my discrepancies as well. I’ve taken care of him through several relapses and been there for each rehab. This last one seemed like it worked. He was gone 6 weeks. Then he went on an emotional family trip and relapsed. I totally get it and understand where he’s coming from and how he feels. Now he’s in trouble with his job (which is a really amazing job) and he’s a mess. His boss might let him stay with me instead of rehab this time. (Really controlling boss right?!) I’m not sure I’m conveying this situation correctly. I love him, I really really love him in a way i never thought I’d feel. I suffer to see him so miserable, to see him hurt, to see him trying. I just want to make everything better. If I could take it for him I would. And another part of me that isn’t crying for his suffering is crying selfishly because I want to enjoy life with this wonderful kind, never abusive (kinda sneaky) person! And everytime we go through this cycle I wonder if it’ll ever be normal? If he can live and enjoy life and do the things we talk about? It’s hard to keep hope when I see him sick and suffering in bed, and then the only glimpse I get of him actually human is when he slips and uses. I get it, he just wants to feel normal! I’m exhausted and sad.. any encouragement or do I sound crazy?
  • You don’t sound crazy @Robynn addiction is hard and knowing how long you should support the one you love can be devistating. I too have been on both sides however I have made the decision to end relationships a few times when I realized that no matter how much I loved them & no matter how much they said they wanted to quit and do better, I needed to do better myself, heal and go for what I truly want in life. I want a husband and children and to live in our own home and be genuinely happy (without using drugs at all ever). I want a family and these men couldn’t give it to me... one of them has been clean for almost 5 years and doing better (I believe it’s partly because I left, and was no longer enabling he was forced to work and take care of himself. He also still says I was the best thing in his life and wishes he could go back to be a better man and not lose me). The other one is currently in jail, so of course he’s clean and says he will stay clean. He tells me he will do better and loves me. Unfortunately it’s too late. I will be there to support him (on my terms) as he has no one else but I will not go thru it with him again.

    So as hard as it is and no minimizing the intensity of love you have for him, what do you want? If you could wave a magic want for yourself only or look into a crystal ball at your future, what do you see? Sometimes staying with the man we love is actually worse for both him and you... but if you do decide to move on, there’s no half assing it. Cutting all contact until you no longer long to be with him is generally the best (and in my opinion only) way to actually move on and for him to realize it’s actually over.
  • @Robynn hello and welcome. thanks for reaching out. @blueorchid has given some great insight and advice. how do you want your future? there's not guarantee he will stay clean.... however, he is making some effort, and that does count for something.

    as i read your post, you sound like you may feel overly responsible for him. something to think about. you have been there for him, but this is HIS issue...HIS path... you sound empathic, which is great, but that can be extra tough on you.

    if you're going to stick it out with him, maybe get into recovery for YOU. i mean from the standpoint of being a partner of an addict. when you are emotionally exhausted from "being there" for him, it's time to do something different for you. some go to Nar-Anon... some go to see a counselor (i advocate that)...some read books on the topic.. (i'll list several)

    but your sanity matters and there are things you can be saying and doing that will help motivate him toward change.

    I suggest you read around in the Support For Friends and Family section. You will find that part of the forum to be a great source of information and inspiration.

    It’s important that you take care of YOU. Practicing self-care will help you to be at your best for you and for others.

    I’ve found a wonderful resource called Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT) that helps loved ones of addicts by using a positive, relationship-based approach. Helps me learn how to stay in a relationship with my loved one without losing my sanity or peace or enabling their addiction. It helps me learn to set new boundaries and communication in ways that foster empathy and healing. It teaches me that I don’t have any control over my loved one’s addiction, but I can influence change in my relationship with my loved one.


    There’s also a 20 minute online guide (free) for parents and partners of addicts:

    hope this helps.
  • Hi @dominica and @blueorchid! Nice to meet, and thank you for listening to me. It’s hard when you don’t have anyone to bounce this stuff off of. To answer, if I could wave that wand I would make him healthy, if I could I’d marry him, and spend all the rest of my days with him. No matter how bad it gets I do very much want to be there. And I guess I do feel overly responsible. My older cousin was the one that introduced us both to pills about 20 years ago when we were young teenagers. That cousin is almost dead. I guess I feel if he can get better it’ll give me closure and fix the wrongs that were made. We have a deep connection and he’s honestly the sweetest kindest person, not the typical addict, hurts himself, and tries to put on a brave face. It’s just hard, I don’t know if it’s a weird or bad comparison but sometimes I feel it’s like watching someone who is terminal. I guess that comes from me seeing people die in my family. I don’t want that for him so I’m determined to do whatever I can to help. I will definitely check out those resources. I’m sure I’m a classic codependent and I probably should address the addictions i have.. even though I seem to have everything under control the thoughts are there. Since I’ve never done treatment I probably should. Thank you for the advice, it just feels good to know others feel the same way. I get how you guys reached a point where you couldn’t for your own health do it anymore. I really hope I don’t disappoint.
  • @Robynn... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing with us. I'm glad you found us.

    You've already gotten some excellent advice and insight from @dominica and @blueorchid. I agree with pretty much everything they've told you. I would also highly recommend the Beyond Addiction book Dominica mentioned. Another great book that may help you is Melody Beattie's Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Taking Care of Yourself. It's full of incredibly useful information.

    I will keep you and your boyfriend in my thoughts and prayers. And I'm sending you tons of positive energy and hope.
  • It’s not your fault @Robynn so I suggest you should really try working on that guilt you harbour as it doesn’t matter who introduced you to it, you both made the choice to use, you function whereas he isn’t able to. I find watching someone I care about continue with their addiction and slowly kill themselves (or you never know the reality is that sh*t kills you so it could be fast due to OD) is so torturous. I appreciate your caring and wanting to help him... however with the magic wand you can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do.

    Although I have suffered with my addictions and I know it was difficult to quit Fent and relapse happens, I personally feel if someone truly wants it bad enough, they will quit (me included)... but they will do it because they choose not because they gave ppl telling them to or because they want to do it for that other person. Yes it can help with the motivation to quit when you have support but if he’s not ready it’s not happening.
    I wish I could help more and I wish you luck in your journey to staying clean. Maybe if you quit and talk about how much you would love this for him then he might? Idk. Do you have &/or want children? For me it’s overwhelming how much I want them... but I know other ppl don’t or whatever... just curious if there is any milestones in your future that you really want and that you can use it as a goal but also maybe a gauge to see if this is a relationship that could last in the event he can’t get (or stay) clean
    Love And hugs
  • @Robynn this can be a great opportunity for you to learn valuable life lessons...about yourself, addiction, others, etc..... and how to best support someone with addiction problems without losing yourself or enabling them.

    glad you're here journeying with us :)
  • Hi again! Guys, thank you so much for being understanding. I was definitely scared to post, feeling very vulnerable, and like I would be scolded for being toxic. Looks like he’s probably going back to detox, which is good...but.. I know this is selfish.. our plans we made for the weekend are gone... again. I know it’s stupid to even hope for plans when he’s sick. I’ll get over it, being strong for him. Could be worse!
  • @Robynn good morning! i'm sorry your plans got cancelled, and it's ok to feel disappointed over that... but yes, good that he's going back to detox.

    keep us posted and know that we are here for you through this time of transition!

  • @Robynn... I think just about everyone in this community would tell you that it's a very safe place. We always listen without judgment. So feel free to tell us what you feel, no matter what it is.

    Sending you love and hope on this TGIF.
  • I'm so devastated, after much persuasion, my boyfriend finally confides in Me he's struggling with sexual urge addictions...makes him cheat on me with random girls, forgets himself, always broke...I offered to help, first he accepted to see a therapist, I found him one then he refused to go! He said he wants to talk to me alone, I should be his therapist, I'm no professional, don't even know where to start. I got Ill immediately he told me. I went online and browsed all about the addiction, thank God he's still early stage but I'm so scared how it will ruin his life if he doesn't heal now, and how bad it will affect me if I'm not careful, since I sent him some links about his addiction, he has started avoiding me, he doesn't read my messages again, I'm going crazy....i love him so much, I can't let this dangerous stuff ruin him....am I going about it the wrong way??? Can anyone tell me what to do please...he's a very good man he's just sick
  • @dimmy hello and welcome. so sorry you're having to deal with this. i'm sure it is scary and confusing.

    he is probably feeling a lot of feelings surrounding this. shame, for one. this may make him want to NOT be around you...as that could intensify the feelings. he may decide to attend therapy in time, and i agree that you shouldn't be his "therapist". he most likely will need a professional to help him...

    you didn't cause it, you can't cure it. you can learn ways that you can best support him. keep reading up on it, and others will offer their experience too.

    i do think the more pressure you put on him, it can cause him to want to avoid you. you freaking out won't help matters. so do your best to practice self-care...take care of YOU....

    read around in the sex and porn categories... you may find some threads dealing with loved ones of porn/sex addicts....

    and feel free to share here anytime. we are here to lend an ear and encourage you best as we can.

  • @dimmy... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing with us. I know it's not easy to deal with your boyfriend's issue, but I'm glad you reached out. I also think seeing a professional counselor would be good for him. While I appreciate the fact that he wants to talk to you about his problem--and I think that's a good thing--you should NOT have to be his therapist.

    I'm hoping @JoshuaShea will weigh in on your post. I'm sure he will have some great insight and advice.

    We're here to help and support you however we can, so don't hesitate to lean on us whenever you need to.

    Sending you love, light, and hope.
  • @dimmy Nobody ever says, "He's a real asshat, but he's just sick." Of course he's a good person, but that can't be a deciding factor in whatever you do. He's sick and since you aren't a professional, I wouldn't be so quick to clarify if he's in the beginning, ongoing or critical stage of addiction. Some people don't come clean until it's critical. If he is a sex addict, his addiction is probably worse than he's letting on and has been around much longer than he mentioned. Here's the thing you need to learn about addicts: We're all liars. We're not out to hurt you. In fact, many of our lies are told to protect you from the truth (or so we think) but you need to take everything he says about this issue with a grain of salt.
    I'm often too quick to label people as addicts, but let's toss this out there...do you think he's actually an addict or do you think this an excuse for behavior he should not be engaging in within the confines of a serious relationship. I ask this because his refusal for therapy is different than I've heard of most addicts. Asking you to be his therapist? Something about it doesn't add up for me.
    But let's assume he is an addict. You're not going to fix him and he's not going to heal. He's created an alteration in his brain chemistry that isn't changing. His best bet is to learn what really caused the addiction (with the help of a trained professional, not you) and develop tools to help fight his daily cravings.
    If he doesn't want to get help, he's not going to get help. You can ask, you can make ultimatums, you can leave, you can never talk to him again, or you can stay there and just live it...but it's up to him.
    The one thing you can do is take care of yourself. Do not become his caretaker or his mother. Do not fall into a pattern of codependency. Do not alter your life to cater to his. You must remain healthy and do whatever it takes to remain healthy. Addiction affects everyone close to the addict, but you can't let it take you down too.
  • This is the best forum ever!

    Thanks so much!!!

    @DeanD thanks a lot, @JoshuaShea u hit me direct, that was the first thing that came to my mind, I was like, he's just a play boy! His lies are too smooth! He just wants to scare me away since his withdrawal attitudes won't make me leave..or maybe to just keep me on his side so I could excuse him if he errs...but then I had time to think about it, when we started dating I noticed him trying to keep me and make the relationship work by all means, it was like a do or die affair for him, infact I was scared! He would put up our picture as public DP on facebook, I would witness him break up friendships and relationships, telling them he's got a serious girl now and he loves her..i didn't understand why he was doing that, and sometimes he would avoid sex with me, that made me crazy! Things were actually good for some months until we moved to different states and he started having some frustrating issues.

    @dominica could be right, he's a naturally shy person, I could understand why he can't face it, especially in a country like mine that judges people based on their own morals..sadly me and him knows we have little or no professionals around here...But like we all know I can't help him, and I won't pressurise him, he's avoiding me like crazy right now as long as I'm not talking about his addiction, we are cool. According to him, he has made up his mind severally to stop the habit of involving new people in the act but he just fails everytime...

    One thing that keeps confusing me is why he would tell me if he wouldn't want me to get him help! Doesn't add up at all..but my instincts wants to believe he's not telling lies entirely..Deep down I don't just wanna leave him...even if I have to break up with him I just wish to find a way to concise him to professional therapy.
  • @dimmy hey there. you may never come to understand this addiction or they "whys", and you might drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out...

    it's his responsibility to find himself counseling or help. not yours. i know you have a wonderful heart, and you really want him to get help, but ultimately, that's his job.... if there are no counselors around, there are plenty of books and online articles, sites that can be helpful for him. i do hope you will be able to let go of the feeling of being responsible for him. that's a lot to carry. I'm reminded of a quote by Wendel LImber:

    "I am here on this earth for my own soul's evolution. I am here to take care of ME. And, I will let YOU take care of yourself. This does not mean that I will not help you or support you. I will figure out HOW to do that in the healthiest way that serves us both."

    So, it's normal to want to help in healthy ways.... but unless he's willing to take action, you'll just be spinning your wheels.

    make sense?
  • @dimmy... Glad you like the forum. We're glad you found us and reached out.
  • @dominica yes I understand thank you.
    @DeanD thanks
  • Anytime, @dimmy. That's why we're here!
  • I've got this problem...I keep staying with my addicted partner. We met seven years ago, I had just moved into the area. She told me she was in rehab and that her parents took her children away, I felt this was a red flag and told her so but we continued on anyways. I watched her slip back into crack repeatedly but still continued on with her despite being incredibly angry and disappointed. Eventually I bought a house so we could all live together and she could get her kids back... It had been over a year. Even after moving she continued disappearing here and there, not coming home at night, showing up high the next day. What I didn't know was that the neighborhood we moved into was wrought with meth labs and addicts. After five years of battling crack, it's now been two years of crystal meth. We broke up early last year after her mental state got so bad that she began suspecting that my son was doing all of these things to her or against her. She moved literally across the street to the neighbors house and violated my space and boundaries on a daily basis. Hey parents again took the twin girls, this time having her committed to the state hospital. For some stupid reason I paid for a lawyer to help her get the kids back and around the beginning of July they all moved back in. It didn't take long at all for her to start using again and one day I came home to find her armed and thinking we were all trying to kill her. She ended up hospitalized again for about a week until she could get a grip on reality. Now I've quit my job and planned us all moving to a new house in a new state in hopes of a better life for us all but she continues screwing up. I'm at the point that I don't want to deal with this crap anymore...I don't think going somewhere else is going to stop her decisions to use dope. I'm seriously considering taking my son and going without her. The big issue is that I've raised these twin girls since they were two, they're almost ten, and I'm very much the only good Daddy they have. I fear without me holding things together they're all in for a rough ride. They deserve so much better and so do I.
  • Hi @Tdad welcome! Sorry to hear your story, it’s definitely an extremely difficult journey dealing with a spouse who had an addiction.
    Regarding the twins, can you not apply for guardianship based on your roll in their life? Not sure the laws where you live however I wonder if this would be possible? How is your relationship with their grandparents? Would they agree to this? I think it’s important to stay apart from her, for the sake of your son, you , and the twins if you can have them.
    I know it can be devistating dealing with this and finally saying enough is enough. I know what it’s like having the one you love disappear and come back high. I stayed with my ex for 5 years and dealt with his crack addiction... and I recently have dealt with meth addiction as well. It’s a horrible drug that some just never come back from (especially the length of time and method of use). If she has had numerous breaks from reality I would be concerned it may take years for her to stay clean and may never be how you remember her during her times sobriety.

    Please keep coming back! We are here for you and I find it truly helps having the support from everyone here.
  • @Tdad hello and welcome. sorry you're having to go through this. not easy for sure. you've got some important decisions to make. moving to a new state won't be the "key" for her to stay clean and get her stuff together. might be hard to hear, but it's reality.

    i understand the concern for the twins. yes, maybe you could go for custody or the grandparents.... or you can stay with her and risk the continual roller coaster ride, as that seems like it might be that way for a while. she could clean up, but it's going to take time and a lot of effort on her part.

    are you able to see a counselor? might help you to process all this with a professional. there's no easy way to decide whether to stay or go, and tough for us to know what you should do, as we're not in your shoes.

    there's also Nar-anon support group, if you're needing some face-to-face support.
  • @Tdad... It's okay for you to move on, my friend. You've certainly gone above and beyond the call of duty with your addicted partner. I agree that relocating to a different state isn't going to be some sort of magical thing that will make her stop using. So maybe it's time to save yourself and move on.

    As far as the twins go, trying to get custody would be worth a shot if that's what you want. Or maybe their grandparents would work with you on some arrangement.

    You have to do what's best for you and your son. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

    Sending you hope for good things going forward. Please know that we are here to help and support you however we can.
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