New and lost

I’m 49, soon to be 50 and am starting my path to ending porn addiction! First off I’m new here, been porn free for over two weeks now with little to no urge to look again. I’m on the verge of possible loss of my wife and daughter, and I think that has made an impact on me to want to quit on my own. Now mind you I am going to meetings in my area to get help. Along with that I am as of next week starting the process with a therapist so that this will not happen again!

The path I’ve taken to lead me to this point in my life is not one I’m even remotely proud of! As a matter of fact I’m so hateful of myself right now!! If I could kick my own arse I’d do it! I feel ashamed, feel as I’ve let everyone down, hurt everyone as well.
I started this crap about two years ago just casually looking online. One thing led to another and like any addiction I started looking for the “more” factor as looking at pictures wasn’t enough. It then went to videos and then to different fetish’s. Finally ending up in one that I am the stupidest person to end up there! It was an incest site, at first I didn’t realize it was, just thought it was another porn site. It was a couple days later that I realized what it was. I made comments and asked questions about what others were doing. Started a conversation with one of the ladies on there and she asked if I was active with a family member. One thing led to another and like someone needing a bigger need I went with it. I would never do anything of that nature in real life but I wanted to see where the convo would go. When she asked about my daughter I had second thoughts about continuing the chat. I told her that I never could, for one it wouldn’t work and I should of said for the most reason is I never could do that to my daughter!!! I thought of chatting with her again to explain that I could never get into that lifestyle but that night my wife confronted me about time on my phone and went through everything and found that convo! As a result and I don’t blame her but she is horrified and has left with our daughter. Again I don’t blame her but I’ve tried to explain that I would never do anything of that nature to our daughter. But she has lost trust in me and said that may be so but I want to hear it from a professional before I can start to eliminate the idea from my head.
My wife is wanting to see if we can work this out. We are going to legally separate for a year or so and work on getting things figured out. I can only hope as being without my family is tearing me apart! I’m lost without them here, I hurt, saddened, wishing like hell I wasn’t so stupid to put us in this position!
I’m having a tough time trying and hoping that someone, therapy can get me cured and allow me to be with my family again!
I’ve had thoughts of not wanting to live during this, feeling like I’m not worthy to go on after what I’ve done! To have my daughter cry and ask when I was moving out hurt like hell! I have a feeling it’ll take me awhile to stop hating myself for this!! Hurting her by not having me around is what makes me the most hateful! The one person I never wanted to hurt and I did just that!
I’m hopeful that I can turn this around and make ammends with my family! It’s not going to be an easy road but I’m ready for it.
The porn, infidelity, lies, and just plain stupidity of me needed to stop!!
If anyone has any ideas on how to help in anyway please give me advice on where to start! I hope a therapist is a good place to start but if there’s anything outside of a therapist that you know please clue me in.
  • 29 Commentsby Likes|Date
  • @WanderingOne
    You do know how bad this sounds, right. I mean, were you high? Drunk? And/or both? By what you posted you seem to have skimmed over a lot of what actually occured here. Now, im no professional, nor do I know anything about porn addiction, alcohol is my forte, but if im to give you any advice it would be to be as honest about things as you can. Dude, if I was to summerise your comment I dont think it would even make three sentences. And moreover the three that it would make would not be very nice at all, at all.

    Sit tight, im sure one of the guys will be around at some stage to fill you in on infortmation and such.
  • I know how it seems and how it reads! That’s why I hate myself so much right now for even going down that road to begin with!! To even “talk” about it was the lowest damn thing I could of done and it wasn’t so much about my daughter but hers. I would never do anything of the sort to mine! I’d shoot myself dead before I’d do anything like that to my own!!
    I can only figure the reason why I said anything of the sort is I was looking for something new. I should of woke the hell up and realized what stupid acts I was doing.
    Trust me you can’t say anything worse than I’ve already called myself!!!
    I would never do anything to a child! Main reason why I talked with the lady was I wanted to “fit in” in the convo. Should of just said what was wanting to be said that night and told her I’d never do that to my daughter and then left the site for good!!
  • Thanks for your reply @WonderingOne. As you didnt say if you were under the influence one can only take it that you were not and were in control of your own actions at the time. ( I am open to correction on this as im only going on your comments okay. )

    How does your wider family feel about this situation? Has it been posted on social media? Does your employer know? Im also a little confused.... So its not your daughter but your step daughter yes? So where is your daughter now? Is she residing with you or has she gone with her mother in law? Also do you think you should even have access to a computer at the minute considering your self diagnosed addiction? I mean what if you actually went through with what you are alluding to? And again if a substance is involved the risk of something like that occuring is raised greatly.

  • Hi @WonderingOne I tend to be the porn addiction guy on here because I've been through it, along with a cross-addiction to alcohol. If you'd like to spend a lot of time reading about porn addiction, you can check out my website at http://www.RecoveringPornAddict.com There's also a resource page there although it sounds like you're trying to get things straight.
    A few things about your story jump out at me. First, like @AlwaysAlex mentioned, you really skim over a lot about the addiction. That's OK. It's hard for me to think you just started looking at porn at 48. Is that just when you feel like it entered an "addiction" stage? I had a very manageable addiction for 20 years...until it wasn't...but I don't pretend I wasn't addicted prior to my downfall. I wonder if you've been really honest with yourself about your addiction. Addiction aside, if you didn't look at porn in your 30s and 40s, you're in the minority among men. Porn addiction usually doesn't develop this late in life since over 90% of porn addicts suffered some trauma in their youth and it's a go-to coping mechanism. I'd urge you to really examine your use going back to your days as a kid.
    Second, have you really gone two weeks with no feelings of needing it? For an addict to have quit cold turkey and feel this way, it's very rare. I also want to point out that you probably weren't considering stopping your behavior until you got caught. I can appreciate the immediate shock that comes with being found out, but sooner or later, you're going to feel that urge and pull of the dopamine receptors wanting a fix. How are you going to hold off?
    Third, I believe you that you have no interest in incest in real life. There's been too many studies to prove that what people look at on a screen has little to no bearing on your real life. Only you know if you have those feelings, but I believe you when you say you don't. In the thick of it, you're acting on behalf of your addiction. Your addiction is about coping with real life by escaping. Obviously, I can understand why your wife is very shocked and there's little you can do to assuage her fears. Perhaps once your therapy gets going there will be a chance for a group session. I hope that your therapist is either a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) or have a speciality in addiction. If not, you're going to someone who really isn't trained to deal with your issues and may be wasting your time.
    I don't know your situation, but I can tell you that for me, inpatient rehab was the best thing I ever did for my addiction. I went to regularly therapy twice a week for about 8 months before attending. It really helped me unlock the keys and understand why I was using the pornography. If you have the time or the means, I'd urge you to look into dealing with this in an inpatient setting. Just getting
    You're in the very beginning of a long process. Don't question the process and don't think that you're the unique snowflake it doesn't apply to, because that person always fails. Your use of pornography is about something else. You need to figure out why you used pornography before you can really start putting the pieces back together.
    And just as a final thought, I appreciate the self-beating you're going through, but you've got to recognize, had you not been discovered, you could be looking at that pornography right now. Your reaction is about being found out. That's going to die off. You'll settle into whatever the new situation is. Life will become the "new" normal again. Getting shocked and scared into action isn't a bad thing -- it worked for me -- but I've busted my ass keeping this top-of-mind for almost five years now. This shock is going to wear off for you. You must develop the tools to not go back, not for your wife, not for your daughter, but for you. This is YOUR addiction, not theirs. You may have lost them or you may not have, but you will have to live with yourself either way. Who is that person going to be in 6 months or in a year? Will that person be on the straight and narrow or will they be succumbing to their addiction. Good luck and I hope you'll keep us updated.
  • Alex, no alcohol involved. My family doesn’t know all the details. My wife and I want to keep it to ourselves as much as possible but our moms both know a little of the situation. My mom more than hers!
    I’m not upset by what you’re saying either! Just more mad a myself for doing what I did.
    As for being on the net I have no desire whatsoever to go on anything porn or close to it anymore! I know that may seem unobtainable as I haven’t had therapy but the emotional torment of possibly losing my daughter has left a huge footprint on me!!
    Nothing is posted on social media other than here.
    My daughter and wife are at the in laws until I find a place to move to while we take time and both go to therapy to find a resolve.
    I don’t drink at all, only had 12 drinks my entire life.

    Gonna read your post Josh!!
  • Listen to josh mate. Im like the masses, I get scared by things I dont understand. I used to be scared of my own shaddow when I was young, alcohol changed all that for me. Alcohol gave me what I thought I needed and I suppose you were getting needs met by your porn addiction. Forgive me if I appeared blunt or a wee bit forthcoming okay.
  • Josh..
    I was into looking at magazines when I was young but I’d look at them and wouldn’t pick them up for months on end, sometimes a year would go by. It wasn’t until three years ago that I started really looking and watching it online. Since then it’s escalated and pretty quickly. I’ve been chatting with people online and having “fun” doing that but it was starting to get old quick and I started tapering off on chatting and started closing out different accounts and on my way away from most of them. I have A.D.D. And even chatting and looking at videos was starting to get old with me. This why I say I was getting close to saying forget most of it. I was chatting with some ladies and guys on the sites but mostly was chatting about work, life and other stuff or people on the sites. Yes I was flirting and saying stuff to the ladies. I know I shouldn’t of been doing so but I admit it happened!
    Sorry I skimmed over a lot of stuff, trying to type everything out before I lost what I wanted to say and I still may not of said it right. As for being on the net to like you and Alex wondered about I am allowing my wife to check my phone and I don’t delete anything out unless she’s there watching. I want to rebuild my trust with her so I am going by her rules in this.
    I’m honest in saying that I quit two weeks ago and haven’t had a want or anything to look or anything! Like I say the impact of emotional hit this has had is enough to cure me but I still want to go to therapy to find out why I did in the first place and make sure it doesn’t happen again!!
    My therapist is trained in most all of what I’m looking for in what I need help with.
    Online pornographey
    Anger Management
    Behavioral Issues
    Bipolar Disorder
    Borderline Personality
    Divorce
    Domestic Abuse
    Domestic Violence
    Infidelity
    Internet Addiction
    Marital and Premarital
    Medication Management
    Narcissistic Personality
    Obsessive-Compulsive (OCD)
    Parenting
    Self Esteem
    Sexual Abuse
    Sexual Addiction
    Spirituality
    Suicidal Ideation
    Testing and Evaluation
    Trauma and PTSD
    Weight Loss

    The hate and beating isn’t so much from being caught, it to me is the fact that I was stupid and did this and the damage I’ve done to my family and the added strain I’ve put on them! I’m almost relieved in the fact I’ve been caught! Now I have the fear of pushing my ass to getting help that I desperately need!!! I called my old neighbor the other night and chatted with him! He’s a Pastor and was ours until his family moved away. He’s certified in psych and I asked him a lot. He doesn’t judge and wants to help as well so we are doing weekly calls so he can help find the root cause as to what started all of this and why.
    I’ve also started and will continue to go to Smart Recovery meetings! I’m finding it useful to use the tools they offer as well to help me on my journey!
    Thank you for the help and ideas @JoshuaShea and @AlwaysAlex I know I can’t do this on my own to sustain where I want to be and want to see a therapist so that I can learn and stay on the right path in life! To be honest and to make the right choices in my life! For me and my family!
  • @WonderingOne this is a wonderful site to get support!

    I think you let a situation get out of hand. Whether it was because you were bored and it was something new giving you a turn on or what... it was a mistake. You can’t hate yourself for that and you need to focus on yourself.

    I would really suggest engaging your wife in relationship counselling. It sounds as though this situation came out of some kind of boredom trip, maybe things with your wife were a little stale? I don’t know. But I do know you need to build your trust with your wife and work on your relationship with her.

    I dated a sex/porn addict and his issues stemmed from childhood abuse and trauma. He explained the need for sex/porn as bad as needing air to breath. He felt like he would die without it and he masturbated numerous times a day, before he went out socially to try and curb the urges. Total mess and not anywhere near being able or wanting to stop.
  • @WonderingOne I just urge you to be very open to the process of recovery, not for your wife or daughter, but for you. I hear a lot of minimizing and deflection in your responses, but I'm not sure you'll be able to pick it up at this point. There were some breakthroughs I made that took years. That can only happen when you are honest and stick with it for yourself.
    You were caught looking at incest sites by your wife. That's a big deal. You say you were getting tired of it, but you were still there nonetheless. Something in your mind said it was OK to be there. You're only going down the road of recovery at this point because you were forced. You seem to want a gold star for admitting it happened. You're only admitting it because you were caught.
    Don't jump to conclusions about being "cured". If you actually have an addiction, it doesn't get cured. It's like diabetes that way, not a broken arm.
    You've got a long road ahead of you. The less conclusions and rationalizations you create now, the easier that road will be.
  • Thank you @Vicbrenan and again @JoshuaShea!!
    Appreciate you talking with me and offering help! Help is what I need in a lot of ways! I’m wanting to get started on my road to recovery and get myself straightened out and on a better road in life! I know it’ll be a life long process from here on out!
    Josh, I’m not trying to minimize anything and if I’m doing it I don’t realize it! My wife says I do the same with her and I’m not meaning to do so! I admit fully I messed up and admit that I do need recovery of any kind! I’m ready for a new better me! I know I’ll always have to be aware and continuously work at keeping my choices in life on the good side!
    And trust me I don’t want a star or pat on the back or anything for what I’ve done!!! I don’t deserve any accolades for the crap I’ve done!!! I just want to get help and make myself a better person! My birthday is next week and I’ve told Everyone that I do t even want to celebrate with what I’ve done! I don’t deserve it after putting family into this position!! For that @Vicbrenan is why I’m hateful of myself right now! I don’t deserve a lot of anything right now, at least I don’t feel I do! I am grateful for my wife to be willing to give me another chance and hopefully one day she will be able to trust me again!
  • Thats sterling stuff right there @JoshuaShea, kudos to you man. For myself josh even the idea of doing it for myself seemed laughable, I was in the game to get my life, my house, my wheels, and my wife back. Oh and the kids as well ofcourse. I was very proud of what was mine josh, you get me? Also in that exact order I will add. Things were going way too slow for my liking Josh, I wanted it my way and I wanted it now! ( Selfishness was my middle name ) It all takes time I suppose. Blaming the booze Josh, damn I had a while getting my head around that one as well, and to be perfectly honest sometimes I still do. Now, I understand the mechanics behind it but its still a very difficult pill to swallow, especially in early recovery.

    I hope the newcomer can learn from us that the addiction tree is the same for all of us, we are all cut from the same cloth, just peek under the surface and you will see.

    Everyone have a great friday and a belter weekend.
  • @WanderingOne I feel you here man when you talk about the emotional hit. For me this was my rock bottom. Having my kids think these horrible things of me, my wife saying im finished and she was off to find a stronger, better man, was all encompassing. Id really fu"""d it up this time.
    So yeah, the emotional hit was my rock bottom, a horrible place to be W1, but now, five years later, with hindsight and good clarity of mind I wouldnt change a single thing of what I went through at the start of my journey, because without the emotional rock bottom, guilt & shame, ( two very good friends of mine by the way ) and general woe is me, snotting and weeping at meetings. I dont think I would be here having this conversation with you.
    From every negative you must find a positive, turn this shit upside down and on its head. Make this situation work in your favour because it can and YOU CAN.

    Good luck, and please do comment here as we are all really keen to help you as much as we all can. We all walk the same old walk but we will never walk alone.
  • Thank you @AlwaysAlex
    I know all of the situations are the same once they are broken down to the base of the matter!!

    I hope to be here five years from now saying what you just said and you are right I need to start looking for the positive in stuff. I know in time I’ll ease up on myself and start to turn the corner!!! Hope you have a great weekend too!!
  • @WonderingOne hello and welcome. so glad you're here and sharing your story. the others have given some excellent insight and advice.... i really like how @JoshuaShea said "

    You need to figure out why you used pornography before you can really start putting the pieces back together." and "Your addiction is about coping with real life by escaping."

    A good therapist will be able to help you start digging in regards to this. And, if you can, think about going to treatment. Talk to Joshua about that.... Doing that intensive work now... (regardless of why you're here)... can help you out immensely for long term. And yes, check out Joshua's site... he's the real deal and has a lot to offer.

    Know that you'll have us here too for your journey. You're not alone...and we won't judge you. We might call you out on some things , because that can be helpful!!

    I DO want to affirm that YOU are not bad. This behavior... yeah, it's not ok. But you....underneath all of this (addiction, thoughts, behaviors)... nah, you're not bad. LIke many therapists said, most addictions began long ago as a wee little one who was either getting abused or neglected or just for whatever reason mom and dad couldn't meet their emotional needs....

    So, let me remind you that you are a good soul that has a lot of potential. This is an opportunity for growth....for finding truth...for finding YOU at our core, and God if you're a believer...

    Remember, an opportunity for GROWTH...

    get the shit kickers on and start digging.... the diamonds are in the rough :) i do feel therapy and perhaps a coach who specializes in this area will help you dig!!
  • Welcome to the community, @WonderingOne. I'm sorry you're struggling with the things you are, but I'm glad you found us and reached out. That shows me that you want to better yourself, and that's a great thing.

    I think you've already gotten some great advice and insight from folks here--especially @JoshuaShea, whose presence we truly appreciate. Like @dominica said, you are not a bad person. Yes, you have a problem, but you can overcome that problem if you commit to kicking its ass and are willing to do the work required.

    I'm happy to hear that you've been "clean" for two weeks. That's terrific. And yes, definitely go to therapy. Getting to the bottom of the root causes of your behavior will help you avoid going back to it.

    We are here to help you however we can. We are a caring, supportive group, and we will always listen without judgment. You are not alone and you are safe here.

    Sending you lots of encouragement and hope.
  • Thank you all for helping so far you have all given great support!! @dominica and @DeanD many thanks for saying what you have!! I’m normally a decent person who will help anyone that needs it. I’m glad I have someone in my moment of needing help! I don’t have anyone to “talk” to, all I do is sit and stare and think about the crap I’ve caused! Then I get down and get to thinking stupid!
    I’m seeing my therapist for the first time on my birthday! 50 years, thinking it’ll be a good present to myself to roll my sleeves up, pull on my shit kickers and get ready for business!!!
    I have started to check out @JoshuaShea website and want to more when I have time to watch the videos there! Been working overtime to keep my mind busy and get money for an apartment!
    Thank you all!! And @dominica I’ve already started my quest to seek higher!! My old Pastor and good friend had helped push me in that department!!
  • Seeing your therapist is a GREAT birthday present to yourself, @WonderingOne. Please try not to be so hard on yourself, too. Remember: You are NOT a bad person. And Lord knows we all have some issues

    Have a great weekend, my friend. And come interact with us anytime.
  • Thank you @DeanD Went to the ski slopes with my wife and daughter last night and watched her ski! Had a great time! Hurt to watch her go though!! I know it’s not going to be easy!!
  • Sounds like fun, @WonderingOne. I'm glad you were able to do that. You're right that it's not gonna be easy, but I can guarantee that it will be worth it.

    Hope the rest of your weekend goes well. Remember: We're always here if you need us.
  • Thank you @DeanD
    Hopefully the weekend goes well here!
  • I’m glad you were able to spend time with them! I believe you have a chance to make things right with them and it’s going to be a lot of work and time. But you can do it! Keep supporting them and being there and showing your love and shame and everything you need to. Your wife deserves that and so does your daughter.
  • @WonderingOne great about therapy....and that you're seeking a new and deeper relationship with your higher power. :)

    such a great opportunity here for you to address various things...and use this as an opportunity or springboard for a deeper, better relationship with god, yourself, and others.... that's a great thing!!

    i hope your weekend is going well.
  • Thanks again @DeanD and @dominica Doing pretty good this weekend!! Went out with my wife and daughter to the ski hill and watched our daughter ski! Had a good time chatting and hanging out with them! Hurt to come home alone though!!! I’m trying to keep things small and simple and not crowd my wife too much. She keeps saying small comments about being a single mom and such but hopefully after I start therapy and begin to make a change for the better that will change! I don’t want to be without my wife and daughter!!
    Saturday I worked, YAY? Ugh, not!!
    Today I went to a friends shop and worked on one of his semi trucks! Then came home and my wife was here doing some laundry before going to her mom and dads. I started cleaning the bathroom while she watched tv. Again! I left her be so I’m not crowding her too much! Giving her space as I know she doesn’t want me around to much!!
    To be honest! I’ve been having a tough time over the last few days. Keep getting the feeling like the world is trying to spit me out, like it’s saying it doesn’t want me here! The feelings of not wanting to be can be overwhelming at times but then I think of my daughter and I snap back to a saner mind set!
  • @WonderingOne Hey there. I'm glad that you got to spend some time with your wife and daughter. I understand life is different right now. And I'm sure it's challenging. I'm sorry that you're not feeling as if you fit right now, but I think in time you'll be able to work through that. Especially once you get into therapy.

    Are you a book reader? Maybe find one good, encouraging book to read right now and spend some time reading it everyday. I think this can help with the thoughts that are swirling around in your mind. Just like we feed the body for nourishment, we need to feed the mind with encouraging things for nourishment. Perhaps joshua recommends good books on your topic on his site. It's worth taking a look.

    Of course you can come here and we will be here to cheer you on. We're not going to lie and say it's going to be an easy breezy route to recovery or a restored relationship with your wife. It's going to take some work and it's going to take some time. There will be days when you might feel like it's not worth it or it's just too overwhelming. or the restoration isn't happening fast enough or going as you plan. It's those days when you may want to lean on someone for some support and encouragement. Change is a process and it certainly takes time. But you're on this journey toward change and that's commendable. You have the desire and that's the first step.

    I hope that you're having a good day.
  • Well! Tomorrow is my first meeting with my therapist!! I can’t wait to be able to talk with him and get started on my new path!!!
  • @WonderingOne yay! let us know how it goes! (if you want)

    have a great day!!
  • I will @dominica
    Few hours to go then I have my recovery meeting later tonight too!!
  • Great that you're meeting with your therapist today, @WonderingOne. AND going to your recovery meeting. That's terrific and it shows me that you're really working at improving yourself. Good for you! Definitely check in with us and let us know how things go, okay?

    Always here for you!
  • @DeanD and @dominica and everyone else too! Well just got home after both my therapist meeting and my local recovery meeting!! Had a hour and half talk with my therapist today telling him everything that has led my wife and I to where we are today! Talking with him and he said even though he just met me and with all his years as a therapist in both civilian and penitentiary counseling he doesn’t think I’m a risk to my daughter and/or my wife other than trust and infidelity issues which are bad enough! He feels we can save what we have in our relationship with one another and there will be doubt in the future but we have to find ways to communicate with each other when the doubt arises!! We have to learn to be open and talk with one another! He also said it’s up to my wife if we continue or not, she is still unsure about our future. Hopefully therapy and such will show a new me and we can make ammends! If not we will still have to be parents to our daughter!!
    With my recovery meeting I was a bit late brothers as my therapy ran late but it was good! Talked there about communication and being open and honest with one another! Also talked about ways of coping in the off times when it is hard to deal with stuff.
    All in all I’m feeling good about things with each day! Whether it’s from folks here or my meetings. I’m finding ways to make better choices and learning how to implement them! Now tonight my homework is to make goals and set them in a manageable time frame so that they are obtainable and when I reach them, set another one right after it!
    I didn’t have a “happy” birthday today as I wasn’t with my family! But I felt it was a birthday of me!! Today starts the path to a new me!!
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