I Have Been Shaken

When I joined this community, I was reaching out and grasping for anything I could cling to in hopes that what I saw clearly in front of my face was not true. I was looking for anything to validate the lies and excuses that the man I had been in love with for a little over 6 yrs, married to for 5 of those, was telling me. This was not the first time around, I wasn't stupid. I wasn't naive to his game. I wasn't even in denial.... I was just grasping for anything. I didn't want to lose the man that I loved with my whole entire heart. I knew that I had to stop the madness for MY own sanity but I also knew that my heart was going to struggle with that.

We had gone through a little over 2.5 yrs of him being completely clean... the longest length of time since he was a teenager, the longest length of time in our whole relationship. It had been a wonderful stretch of time. We were so happy, so in love, we had become stable and I had rebuilt my trust in him 100%. We had new vehicles, boats, he had started his own business, I had obtained a new job with a great company making double what I was making.... life was good. We had close friends, we really had a good life. No arguments, no fighting, we truly enjoyed being with each other and we had a passion for the same hobbies and activities. Then, it changed.

I saw it. I confronted him the very first time I noticed it rather than letting it spiral out of control. I tried EVERY SINGLE THING I knew to try to make him see that I wouldn't go through that again. From February to July, I tried. I cried, I begged, I pleaded, I reached out to two of his closest friends, I broke myself trying to do things to help. Nothing was working. Everything was met with lies, excuses, denial, sob stories, etc. Each and every time he would see that I was about to make him leave he would be "normal" and he knew that worked. He knew I melted every single time he would look at me. I would fall right back in and do whatever I could. I loved him. He needed me. He needed me to help him.

I was wrong..... He didn't need me or my help, he needed me to enable him by going above and beyond to save him from the consequences of his choices. He needed to keep me hanging on so he could continue doing what he wanted to do. He had always had a "safety net", someone that would pick him up and dust him off and get him back up on his feet and he could take it from there. He had never had to deal with any consequences or do the work to get up on his feet on his own ever in his life. Until now.

As with every other single time he relapsed, he spiraled out of control. He lost his business, his business bank account became overdrawn by over $500 strictly due to ATM withdrawals and fees. Every single thing that I saw happening was met with lies and excuses. I wanted SO badly to believe them... after all, they did make perfect sense. He is very good at his game. He always has been .... LONG before me he has had a pattern that worked for him. I was just the next sucker to fall for it. I've learned that not only is he an addict, he is a pathological liar. And, I'm certain that he may have some mental issues as well. I'm not even saying that because of the situation, but he has definitely flipped a switch and is extremely unstable mentally.... may be drugs or may be something more, not sure.

We went from being fine, happy, having a good life to having nothing. I asked him to leave, about a week later things took a turn for the worse and I had to get a TPO against him. I was hoping that the initial 30 days that the temporary order was in effect that he would calm down and I could drop it and we could carry on like civil adults. Instead, he got worse. He still continued to contact me via phone calls and texts.... I blocked his number. Then he started texting from an app, I blocked that. He started a Facebook account and began commenting on pictures of mine he could see and began sending me messages through Facebook messenger. I blocked him. He started an Instagram account and began sending me messages through Instagram. I blocked him. Then he began emailing me. Non stop. His messages would range from how much he loves and misses me, to accusations of things I was "doing" (that were not true) all the way to how he hates me and how "fake" I am. He managed to turn some of my very close friends and even some family members against me with the lies and the stories he was telling. He was calling me the most hurtful names and making up the most believable stories about me to others, yet STILL trying to get me to take him back. I became an emotional disaster. I wanted to believe all his promises that he was making. I wanted to believe that we could be ok and that he was done for good this time. But too much had been done and said now. I could not continue to live like this. It would never be the same......I would NEVER fully trust him ever again.

Since July 29, 2018, my life has been shaken. I've been dropped to my knees in many ways on several different occasions. I've been through my husband..... my best friend, the love of my life... relapsing and having to make him leave, having to get a TPO against him and having it extended for a year, having to stick to what I said and not go back and try again, filing divorce papers, finding out all of the hurtful things he has said about me, all of the complete lies that he is telling, his emotional games with me. I have found out that he had been with another woman only a day or so after he left my house and had been with her quite a few times since leaving. I heard of another woman he was with as well. I saw emails between him and several women exchanging pictures and phone numbers within weeks after he left. I had an STD in June and I knew I had not been with anyone else, so that pretty much confirmed he had been with someone else while we were together.

On Sept. 29, 2018 he was in a head on collision only a mile away from my house.... an area he should not have even been in. He was at fault.... in a truck that I am the co-signer on and that I still had covered on my insurance policy. It looks as though he fell asleep, he hit another vehicle head on in a small curve..... he stayed straight and all witnesses and all camera footage from the store that it happened in front of confirm that he was going a "high rate of speed" (which he NEVER speeds... he drives so slow and safe) and he never took the curve. It's not a sharp curve either. One of the occupants in the vehicle that he hit passed away. The other occupant is still in critical condition with many years of recovery ahead of them. I pulled up on the scene of the accident after a neighbor told me about it and I lost it. I didn't think there was any possible way anyone could have survived. I was scared to death. I went to the hospital where they transported him. I was treated like an outsider by my sister in law .... a lady I had been friends with long before he and I were even an item. I came face to face with my sister in law's co-worker friend.... a lady that my husband had been with and was already living with. My heart was crushed all over again.

A week after the accident his brother and I had to go get his personal belongings out of the truck so I could release it to the insurance company. Both vehicles involved in the accident were sitting side by side. I will NEVER forget what I saw that day. The amount of blood, the smell of blood from both having been tarped and covered for a week in the hot Georgia heat while seized by the State Patrol. It's something that will forever haunt me. It shook me. I will never be able to get the images of the vehicles, the items that we found in his truck, and smells to go away. Never.

I have had to stand firm, I have had to take so many punches to the gut all from his choices, his words, his lies, and his actions. I am sincerely drained. I feel beat down. Each time I feel as though I am moving forward and feel that things "can't get much worse" something else happens. Last Monday I was in a car accident. I literally was terrified b/c all I could picture was my husband's accident. I had a complete meltdown. My back, neck, and right knee are giving me problems and my car is in the shop being repaired. BUT... through it all, I'm learning that I am strong. I am capable to handling so much more than anyone should ever really have to go through in the period of a few months. They always say that you are only given as much as you can handle..... I must be an epic badass. Each time I feel like I am going to break and I can't go on.... I still find a way to make it happen and keep moving.

Our divorce hearing is set for November 19. I won't lie, it's bittersweet. I know that every single bit of all of this is in other posts of mine, but for some reason I felt the need to put the story of my life from 2018 into one big post this morning. Perhaps for myself.... to remind myself of what I have gone through and where I have been, and that I am far stronger than I ever imagine. Perhaps this post will help someone else to realize that they are not the only one going through a shit load of bad times. Regardless, I just needed to put it all in one place this morning.
  • 188 Commentsby Likes|Date
  • @Drained1... You ARE an epic badass!!! And I'm so damn proud of you!!!

    Love you, my friend! <3
  • @Drained1 I second that. You are right about somehow we are not given more than we can handle. Just when you think you can't possibly handle any more, we somehow manage to get through it. There will come a time when all of this is nothing more than a distant memory. Because as we speak, the seconds, minutes, and hours keep on ticking. Time heals all. And every day that passes puts you further away from all this to the day when you will have better times. They are coming. You just have to stay strong in the meantime. Hope you are having a good evening
  • @Drained1 Hey hun!!

    Your threads here in the Forum have already inspired and spoke to many people who come here looking for advice or hope. Thank you for sharing this part of your journey with us. The ups and the downs. The fears and the victories. I honor you for the work that you have done on yourself through all of this. And for being willing to help others along the way. You are a blessing.
  • @Drained1 You have been through a lot and are showing how strong you really are. You should be proud of yourself.
  • @Drained1 Hey lovey! I have commented on your other thread however I wanted to say that I am so thankful you found this forum so that you and I became friends. I have seen indescribable strength & growth from you these few months I’ve known you and I truly believe deep inside my soul that you will be ok!
    I will be here when you go to the divorce hearing and how ironically amazing is it that you got the same judge!
    You are still young and have so much time ahead of you. In a few years there will still be pain, anger, sadness & all those feelings you feel now.... they just will lessen as the time passes and slowly become more of a memory and feel similar to a bad dream than anything else.
    You have chosen You! You decided to stand up and fight for your peace, happiness and true meaning of life. I know it’s difficult now and I know this is your second time going through a huge life altering end to a relationship.... I just hope you truly know that this does not mean you are less worthy of love and happiness. You will need time to heal & grieve.... then who knows what your future holds.

    I have recognized that until this last year I was always searching for love outward. I sought acceptance from others in hopes to fill the void inside me, and by doing this, I didn’t see the signs... I didn’t realize that the one I needed love from was myself....
    I know our stories are different, yet we both have many similarities... I suspect some of what I had to find and learn is also what you will be experiencing one day.
    I know you have expressed feelings of guilt and I hope your therapist can help guide you through releasing those feelings.
    I also recall you mentioning how this is the second time you are getting a divorce and I wonder if you feel a bit of shame & other feelings of lowered self worth as I did when I ended my 5 year? If so, I wanted to mention I know women I truly respect and admire who have had 1, 2, & even 3 divorces. They said afterwards they felt defeated & they would never want to find love again.... a few of those women in particular, after a period of being alone, all went through a period of self discovery and did massive inner work. They learned to love themselves in a way they never knew and no one had ever taught them... through this they found amazing men who they could be vulnerable with, who they could trust and love and who love them unconditionally.
    I know the thought of being vulnerable with a man again may be something you don’t believe you will ever do again.... and I’m not saying you should any time soon.... I just hope you don’t close off the idea completely.... maybe in a few years you will feel some motivation to explore the idea again? I don’t know .... but I hope so and I will be here throughout your journey to help you any way I can!

    You are amazing! You are deserving! You are worthy! You are a fricken BADASS!!!!! :heart:
  • @blueorchid you, my dear, are a badass as well! :) appreciate your presence here!
  • @blueorchid... @dominica is right. You are a badass as well. A Canadian badass!!! :) <3
  • Yes @blueorchid You most definitely are a badass!!!!

    Guys, can I get one piece of advice or opinions real quick? I really feel like I just can't close this door until I have been able to express my feelings to him about all that has been done and all that has happened. I know that sounds stupid. It's like it just ended and we couldn't communicate so I never got to get my final words out to him like he has done with me. The TPO states that HE cannot have direct or indirect contact with me. It does not say anything about me not contacting him. I have researched and from what I find I will not be in violation. I know it's stupid that I am even considering this.... but I typed a long letter to him. It started as just my way of getting so much of my feelings off of my chest. But I really do want him to hear these words from me. I feel like I need this closure. I don't want to start him up again because he has been very quiet since 10/10/18 when I received the last email before his new lady found them. But, I so badly want him to read my words. I want him to know my feelings and what he has caused. It's nothing bashing, it's nothing asking for a response. It's just the truth from me. My question is this.... should I send it and close this door? Or should I try to find another way to find some closure? It just seems unfair that he has been emailing with all of his "emotions" and I never got the chance to say anything final or let him know how I feel. I know it does not good whatsoever, but I just can't get rid of the desire to send it to him.
    @DeanD @dominica @tiredmom ?? Suggestions??
  • @Drained1... This is just my opinion, so take it with a grain of salt.

    If I were you, I would hang on to the letter for now. Stick it in an envelope if you want. Address it if you want. Even put a stamp on it if you want. But hang on to it. And if you still want to send it after the divorce hearing on November 19th, then send it.

    While I know you'd very much like to have him know what your thoughts and feelings are, I'm worried that you may be "poking the bear." He's been quiet for a while now, so why take a chance on stirring things up again? And while the TPO may say nothing about you contacting him, by contacting him you are almost certainly inviting him to respond to you...and by doing that HE would be in violation of the TPO. So I don't think that's fair to him.

    You got your thoughts and feelings down on paper, and I hope that was cathartic for you. But I would just hang on to that letter for now.

    That's my two cents.
  • Thank you @DeanD I think you are right.... Nov. 19. That gives me time to make sure I need to do so.
  • Great Advice @DeanD .. I was going to say exactly the same.
  • @Drained1 I definitely agree with @DeanD on every account. I think it would be a very bad idea to send that letter now. Even though you can't find anything in the TPO that says otherwise, if it is anything like it is in my state, you CANNOT contact him either. But whether that would be a violation or not, I think DeanD is correct. No use poking the bear. Personally, I would wait until after the divorce was actually final, and see how you feel.
  • Thanks guys, I can always count on all of you to keep me level headed lol!!! xoxo
  • @Drained1 ooooohhhhh, that's a toughee..... i'm on the fence... if you can send it and NOT be attached to it...(whether he responds or not)...then perhaps ok. but it could open the door again for him to think "hmmm, just maybe ....." so, on the fence here..... maybe someone else will have better insight.
  • @dominica I hear what you are saying, but I remember when I was in therapy because I was in the midst of a divorce, I was advised because of my husband's personality and other issues, it was best to have zero personal contact with him. He was the type that would grab onto any little thing, and get stirred up again. They don't care what kind of contact you have with them. Even if everything you say is negative, they still view it as having contact and will hold onto that. I think @Drained1 husband would be the same way. He would have an excuse to respond back to her. It only keeps it going. Once her divorce is final, if she still needs to send it she can. Besides who knows who in the hell will get their hands on it and read about her personal feelings. I was advised to write a letter as a therapeutic release for myself, but not to send it. It's funny but I had the same thoughts as her. Trying to find closure.
  • Hi @Drained1 glad to see the other responses because I too advise against giving him the letter... sometimes in therapy we are told to burn it or throw it away... did you ask your therapist?
    My thoughts on why not are 2 fold. One, the TPO! You are less than a month away from the divorce trial with the same judge... you making contact (when his sister already made that threat towards you at the hospital) in my opinion is a big No No! Secondly, we all know he’s using... anything you have to say is going to fall on deaf ears. Until he is clean he’s not going to hear it. Remember your telling us in the other thread about the time early on in your relationship when he was nodding off while driving and u said something n he got mad and defensive.... it’s the drugs. His brain is messed up and I honestly think no good can come of it.

    Thanks @DeanD @dominica & @Drained1 I am so thankful I found this forum and have everyone here :heart:
  • Thank you everyone for the input.... I have sealed the letter in an envelope and it's in a drawer in my desk. I am going to leave it there. My friend suggested that IF I still have the desire to give it to him, that I take it with me to the divorce hearing. I am sincerely doubting he will even show up to the hearing. My friend suggested I go to the Judge's office after the hearing and ask the clerk for clarification on if I could perhaps mail it to him with the signed Final Orders & Decree. (since I have handled the divorce on my own without an attorney, I will be responsible for providing him a copy of the final orders and decree) So, I've decided I am going to see how I feel in a month. Give myself time to heal a bit more and HOPEFULLY have some calm in my life and continue to distance myself from all things pertaining to him. I may not even care to give it to him after more time has passed. But, knowing me.... I most likely will. It's not even to "have the last word", it's just that he NEEDS to hear everything in that letter. My friend read it yesterday before I sealed it and she agreed that he needs to hear it. Like I said before, it was nothing bashing or belittling him... nothing mean and hateful... it was strictly all my feelings. But @blueorchid and @tiredmom you're both right, it would fall on deaf ears most likely anyway & there is no telling who would end up seeing it. Given his sister's inconsistency on where she stands and what she believes I would rather wait until after asking permission and clearing myself from violating the TPO in any way this close to the hearing with the same Judge.

    In other news, I had a really good afternoon yesterday. It's crazy how just the smallest things make you feel good and as though a weight is off of your shoulders. Yesterday afternoon I came home and I had to sit down with my daughter and her fiance that have been living with me. I was anxious about having to do this because I didn't want to cause any problems between myself and my daughter, but they have been staying with me rent free since August so they can save to get up on their feet and get a home of their own before April when their baby is due. Since they have been there, her fiance has only been working a day or two a week. My utility bills have doubled since they have been there and I had to put my foot down and set some boundaries with them.....and we all know that I'm not great with setting boundaries lol!

    So, I set them down last night and asked them what their plans are, if they have goals in place, etc. Explained to them that as wonderful as it would be... people cannot live on love alone. I told them that I did not let them move into my home so they could have "free time" to hang out with each other and relax, that it was to HELP them get on their feet and get a home so they could be settled in when the baby arrives. I told them that I had not asked them to help financially since they have been there because I wanted them to save everything they could..... not have extra to go to the beach, or to go shopping or to eat out. So, I enforced a new "policy" with them. Beginning next Friday I am requiring them to pay me $25/week.... $100/mo to cover the increase in my utility bills. This utility bill was the highest one I've EVER had while living here for close to 3 years and it's not even the dead heat of summer or the coldest part of winter. I told them that they have got to become more mindful of the costs of everything they use as well. I didn't preach or treat them like children, I talked to them very casually as adults and just explained my concerns and my situation. Her fiance informed me that he is applying for a new job where a friend of his Dad's works, he actually brought him an application Monday evening. They told me that they had already discussed that they were going to give me $50/week once he starts getting regular full checks because they know it's only fair. It was a good conversation and nobody got offended or anything. I told them that they need to set a goal of being in a home of their own by February. That will give them time to get in a routine and get settled before the baby arrives in April. They agreed. Then, they asked me about my situation because they have been worried about me but didn't know how to ask if I was ok. It was a really nice talk and felt good to be honest with them and have them aware of what all I was dealing with.

    Then, my neighbors (the ones I have regained my friendship with) were outside so I just walked over there just like we used to do. We had a great evening just talking and laughing like we always used to do. We did talk a bit about my husband and the situation but that wasn't ALL we talked about the whole time. The only thing we talked about was our other neighbors and how we all see now that there is something strange with his relationship with them and how we all see that he had been trying to seclude me from everyone for months prior to everything happening. Then, you know what happened.... we moved on to other conversation about other things that didn't involve him! We laughed so much that our bodies hurt! It was WONDERFUL! And it was almost "normal". Honestly, just having their friendship back has been a huge factor in my healing process.

    Well, once again my short comment turned into a novel....... I hope everyone has a wonderful day today! I was hoping I could come here this morning and inform you all that I had won the $1.6 Billion lottery last night.... but that didn't happen LOL!
  • @Drained1 Good morning! You've gotten some great advice regarding the letter. I'm glad to hear that you're going to put it away for awhile and then see how it feels after a month or so.

    Glad to hear that you had a wonderful afternoon yesterday. And having that conversation with your daughter and her boyfriend was necessary and I'm glad that it went well. I think you're not giving yourself enough credit, because you have gotten pretty good at setting boundaries. That kind of conversation isn't always easy, but necessary. I'm glad to hear that they were receptive. And that you had a good time with your neighbors last night. A belly that is sore from laughter it's truly a beautiful thing!

    Hope you have a beautiful day as well!
  • Look at you, @Drained1! Setting boundaries with your daughter and her fiance! Just when I think I can't be any more proud of you, you go and do something like that! :)
    It's also wonderful to hear that you had a good time with your neighbors. I'm so glad that happened yesterday. I think you're settling in to a new, and less stressful, normalcy. So happy for you!
  • Thanks @dominica & @DeanD I am so ready for a "normal" life lol
  • @Drained1 yes, we're calling it in!!
  • Good morning all!! Hope each and every one of you have a great day!

    Is it bad that I am getting worried b/c things have been eerily calm and quiet? I know that sounds stupid, but each time I have this happen it seems something else bad or stressful happens right afterwards. I am trying to not worry about it and enjoy the calm, but I am so uneasy!
  • @Drained1 It's not bad, but I would spend some time each day listening to positive affirmations about yourself and about life. The calm may be unfamiliar, and at a subconscious level you could be attracting chaos. (Assuming the chaos is what is sounding off at that subconscious level)

    This is just a theory of course. And not everybody believes this. You deserve a peaceful life. You deserve wonderful things. It is my hope that you can begin to lean on the universe to support you. To feel secure. To manifest more peace, joy, calm in your life.... Call it in my dear. Revel in the goodness of TODAY!
  • Enjoy the calm, @Drained1. If anyone deserves a little lull, it's you, my dear. :)
    Happy Little Friday! I hope you have a wonderful day!!!!
  • @Drained1 I know that feeling all too well. It's like your mind is just waiting for something else to happen because it is not used to the calm. It's almost like it remembers the cycle and is anticipating the next crisis. There will come a point in time where you will just relish in the calmness of the moment and not worry about what might happen. Not saying shit don't happen, but you will worry about less in time. Hope you are having a good night. How about a nice bubble bath? That always helps me.
  • @Drained1 I hope your calm continues but I know what you mean. I think we are programmed to brace for the next problem. Maybe watching a good movie that will take your mind off of things would help or reading a book.
  • Thank you @dominica @DeanD @tiredmom @mammakim for your input and suggestions.... I have been taking steps to "redirect" my thoughts and habits for the past few days. Idk why, but the silence from him was really needed and what should have been happening all along but for some stupid reason I was continuing to look at my spam folder to see if he has sent anything since the 10th. He had not... Wednesday I realized that it was consuming my thoughts. I had to stop doing this, so each time I would feel tempted to look and see I would get up and walk away from the computer or set my phone down and go outside to play with my dog. Something to take my mind off of it and stop myself from continuing the madness. It's as though a little piece of me for some reason was still wanting to at least hear from him?

    Yesterday, last night and so far this morning have been much better. I've been in a good mood and I'm almost back to my normal self at work. Everyone has said that I seem to be coming out of this "funk" lol. I'm ready too. It feels good to just let go of those things that were unhealthy, confusing me and consuming my thoughts. It feels good to have backed away from his siblings and anything and anyone that would consist of hearing about him. All of his mail is getting returned to sender each day. I literally walk to my mailbox with an ink pen daily and don't even bring it in to my home. I've stopped obsessing over his accident and being consumed with NEEDING to know what happened... if he WAS messed up or not.... when is he going to have to face consequences for it...... I've just stepped away. The insurance will contact me only when necessary and I'm ok with that now. Each time I start to miss him or miss things we used to do I stop and remind myself of all he has said and done to me and then I redirect my thoughts or what I'm doing.

    Baby steps, but at least I'm moving and no longer sitting still.
  • @Drained1 I'm proud of you for recognizing you are starting to obsess over him again and for deciding not to. I can relate to this when I was ending a toxic relationship. I was addicted to the person, and I remember it was challenging to not be in contact. But I also knew that it was necessary and it does get easier.

    But it's all a process and you're getting through this pretty well I say. Continue to focus on you and creating this new chapter of your life. Remember we're calling in amazing things! Peace and calmness. Clarity. Excitement. Joy. Self-care. Singing and dancing. New dreams. Healthy people. I mean mentally healthy LOL. Light and love.

    Calling at all in girl!!! :)
  • @Drained1... As I love to say, even baby steps will eventually get you to where you want to be. Don't think about what's gonna happen in a week, or a month, or a year. Just focus on the 24 hours in front of you and do what you can to get closer to where you want to be. And don't forget to practice RADICAL self-care!

    Happy Friday, my friend!!! :)
  • @Drained1 I am glad you are starting to feel more like yourself. Baby steps are good! try to focus on other things, take yourself out and pamper yourself for an hour :smile:
  • @Drained1 I understand completely some of what you might be feeling. I think it's pretty normal. After spending years with someone and being on that squeaky hamster wheel (metaphor of course), the squeaking might drive us crazy and the round and around gets old and tiring, but when the wheel stops turning and all is quiet, the silence is not what we are used to. Even though we know we have to change our lives and get to the point where we have no choice but to leave the man we loved, when he is still bothering us, whether we think we want to be bothered or not, there is still a connection to him. When he stops contacting us, that is when we truly feel the disconnection. That can be a little uncomfortable for us. Because now it truly is real. I have been there and I can assure you, you will get past that. You will have many different feelings and some days will be better than others. However, you will get to a place where you will barely think of him. And then one day you will think why did I even stay as long as I did? Hope your weekend is a good one !
  • Good morning all, hope everyone had a nice weekend. My weekend was low key, and really nice. Saturday I caught up on some much needed deep cleaning around the house and went to a local store with my Mom. Saturday afternoon I received a text message from my female neighbor across the street.... the ones that had "removed themselves" from us and the situation.... however still stayed in contact with him and removed me from everything..... She invited me to come over and watch the football game if I didn't have any plans. I was a little confused. But, I decided to go. As soon as I got there and said hello to everyone and sat down she started asking me if I knew anything about what was going on with him or what was going to happen to him. I had already made up my mind that I was not going to spend the whole afternoon and evening talking about or hearing about him. I told her I didn't know, and I wasn't keeping up with him. She got my hint and changed the subject and we really had a nice afternoon. Her husband apologized to me for being mad "at the wrong person". I told him thank you for that but that I know they are still friends and still talk but I didn't want to hear about him and I wasn't going to talk about it. He said he completely understood. We had a nice remainder of the evening. A few times it did get brought up and it was by them stating how they had caught him in so many lies and about how the times he had been over how he was just trying to keep an eye on my house. I wanted to tell them how I felt about how they had been towards me but I didn't. I may get that opportunity at a more appropriate time, but didn't feel it was the time or place Saturday as there were other friends there as well.

    Sunday I went to church with a friend and her kids and then came home and relaxed the rest of the day. It was much needed. I had to text his brother regarding the remainder of his stuff that was at my house b/c I really need it gone. I've decided to take it to their Dad's and put it all in the spare room this coming weekend and be done. I wasn't wanting to make another trip with his stuff but at this point I need to space more than I need to be stubborn. I have a large TV and a table and a picture that was their Mom's and I will not let anything happen to those for the sake of all of them. I'm just not that person. Now, his personal items... if that's all there was I would simply take that to Goodwill and be done lol. His brother made the same comment that I've been saying and feeling... it's seemed a little too quiet and calm. I told him I had been feeling the same way. IDK why, it's like I just can't get him out of my head. Not just him, but everything. One minute I'm missing him and us and then I remember all that has been said and done and I get angry and I just cannot seem to get the NEED to know why his accident happened. I just NEED to know.
  • Glad you had a nice, low-key weekend, @Drained1. Glad your Dawgs won, too. And I totally understand not being able to get him out of your head. You were with him a pretty long time. And it's going to take time to move on. That's just the way it is, I think.

    Keep being kind to yourself, my friend. Happy Monday and have a great week! :)
  • Thanks @DeanD. I literally just hung up from talking to the lady I've dealt with for years where we have the truck financed. She was calling because she is trying to prolong reporting no Sept. payment on the truck on top of the other 4 that were reported. My credit score is taking a hard hit. She knows I've worked so long and hard to repair mine from my first marriage and she hates having to report it. She has been in contact with the insurance adjuster and has offered to do a power of attorney on her end to speed things since they technically own the truck but the insurance lady has full belief in everything my husband says and she is still waiting on him to return his power of attorney. It's sad when the finance company manager says "he is still playing games" and that the insurance lady will figure out that he likes to procrastinate in taking action. She said "she will learn that he is more charming than responsible" .... SMH. Pretty pathetic. She told me that she was going to prolong reporting as long as possible and may request to speak to her supervisor if they do not get his back in the next day or so because she knows how he is and she hates that she is having to report it on mine too.

    But I made a bit of progress this morning, either his brother is going to come pick up JUST their Mom's stuff or I'm going to meet him at their Dad's and store it all there this coming weekend. He just said he is not getting or worrying about anything of his personal belongings. He has not talked to my husband since he called him out on all the lies about the emails and everything else. Said he is just over all of his crap and lack of remorse/responsibility for everything that he has caused.
  • That credit score stuff is more fallout you don't deserve, @Drained1. I'm sorry about that. But, as they say, this too shall pass. I know that's probably not super comforting right now, but it's all I've got.

    Glad you made progress on the stuff you need to get rid of.

    Baby steps, my dear. Baby steps. :)
  • @Drained1 Hey there. I'm glad that you had a nice weekend. That's wonderful that you got to spend time with your neighbors and had a church outing. And got some cleaning done! It's understandable that you want to know why this has happened, but the reality is that may never happen. And you'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. (I know you know this ;) )

    Who knows what the larger picture is? I'm super glad that you're not going to continue to spend time and energy on him. Those thoughts May pop up at times, but try not to entertain them. Observe and let go, as the meditation gurus teach.

    I think quiet is wonderful. That's what I'm believing for for you! Quiet, calm, and Trust.

  • @Drained1 I'm glad you had a nice weekend. And I am glad the neighbors invited you over and you had a good time there too. I'm sure it feels good to at least know they are seeing the truth about him and not blaming you. I think their friendship is genuine but I also think they were fishing for some information. I'm glad you didn't waste your time with them talking about him. I know exactly what you are feeling at this point. I previously mentioned that you would have days where he would consume your thoughts. That will get better in time. You have been through alot and under the circumstances I think what you are feeling is pretty normal. In regards to NEEDING to know what happened, I think you are looking for further confirmation that you did the right thing, so you can add one more reason as to why he was no good for you. I think you already know in your heart what happened. He was under the influence. He nodded off, and therefore didn't make the turn. You found a bottle and pill in the truck I believe. Was there a pill? I can't remember? But either way, that seems to be the plausible cause. People don't just not make a turn and drive straight. I'll bet my life he nodded off stoned. I have a suggestion for you. This is something I did when I divorced my ex. It was an inexpensive change and it gave me something to do to take my mind off of him. I redecorated my bedroom by painting the walls, rearranging some items and got a new comforter. Now it was MY bedroom. Done to my taste and looked more feminine. For some reason it just helped me to not miss him as much or have memories of us together in the room. That might seem silly, but it helped. It was new, clean, and fresh. Like the fresh start I was getting. And it no longer looked like the room we shared. But for me, renovating is great therapy and a nice distraction from my constant thinking and worrying. Hope your having a great day.
  • You know what @tiredmom you are exactly right. I've pushed that thought away but you are right, another HUGE reason to confirm I did the right thing. That's precisely what it feels like. This sounds morbid given the situation but in the very back of my mind I WANT to be able to confirm my own decision (not that I needed any further proof) but I also want EVERYONE that he has believing that I am the monster and he has done nothing wrong to SEE that I was right. To see for themselves that he had them blinded. Sounds self-centered I know.

    I ABSOLUTELY love your idea about redecorating and rearranging. Shortly after the TPO I did remove all of "our" pictures and replaced with other items to replace them. It was VERY therapeutic. I cleaned my room Saturday and took down the large letter "C" that I had hanging next to my bed.... the initial of my last name... OUR last name... or hopefully soon HIS last name. I replaced it with a small picture but I need to start my hunt for small things that give it more of my touch. I have been wanting to paint my dresser so maybe I'll dive into that now. I had purchased the comforter I have a few months before he left so I was trying to utilize it longer, but I do want to change it out as well. I am so thankful for all of your input, you seem to know me better than I know myself and my own thoughts. Thank you for be willing to be honest and share your experiences with me.

  • OH! @DeanD & @dominica last night I finally finished reading "You Are A Badass"! Took me long enough lol but I love that book. So many quotes stand out to me!! I'll share some tonight.
  • @tiredmom excellent advice!! yes, redo your bedroom for YOU! :)
  • @Drained1 I am glad you liked the advice on the bedroom redo. Seriously after it is finished you will not think about him as much in that room! Every step you take in the redo,you will be doing something for yourself and will feel great pride in the outcome. You will be surprised at how refreshed and renewed you will feel in that new space. And I really do know how you are feeling and what you are probably thinking, probably from my own experiences, but my friends and family are always joking with me that I definitely have some psychic abilities too! Lol
  • @tiredmom I plan on starting a bedroom makeover this weekend! I've been looking online at different ideas and plan on getting the first steps under way. I still have heard nothing from him. Every time I start thinking about him or about everything pertaining to him I redirect my thoughts or find something to busy myself. I talked with his ex yesterday and our conversation turned to discussing his sister because my stepdaughter wanted to trick or treat with her cousins and his ex was not looking forward to going with them. She was telling me a few things that has been said but this time I did not react with anger or sadness or become anxious. I was able to just say "everything will come to light that hasn't yet, I'm not going to stress over it or let it consume me any longer". She agreed with me and we continued talking. My stepdaughter keeps telling her mom that her dad's new GF is "sketchy" and she feels uncomfortable around her. She has only been around her twice, once at the hospital and the last time at my sister in law's house two weeks ago visiting her Dad.
    She knows.... she is old enough to pick up on vibes and her mom has been honest with her about everything going on but on her level. She will be 14 in a month so she is plenty old enough to pick up on everything on her own. I commend her mom because she has ALWAYS talked to all the kids about their Dad when he would relapse but always put it in a way they could understand without bashing or belittling him, and ALWAYS reassured them their Dad loves them more than anything, that he is just sick. I don't have children with him, but I too have had to protect them as well as my own daughter from him during those times and try to do the best I could during times when they were all there. I know how hard it was to finally talk to my daughter about him and put it in a way that did not bash him b/c she does love him too. My husband's ex is remarried as well, they were married a few months after we were. Her husband is amazing and has been so good to the kids and has always been there for them. He has done like I did and took on the step-parent role in a very hard circumstance for everyone when my husband would start his crap again.

    Last night, I walked over to my neighbors house across the street (they invited me lol) and watched a movie with them after they returned from taking the kids trick or treating. I see that they are trying to show me that they love me and they are sorry for how things have been. I really enjoyed it and I feel so much more peace now that I have all of my neighbor/friends back in my life, however I also know to use my ears more than my mouth and to keep an arms distance right now. I am treating them as if they talk to my husband daily and are still close to him as well although they say they aren't. I hate to be that way, but I've learned to not share more than I want the whole world to know. Unfortunately, time will tell where they truly stand and actions prove far more than words.

    I can't remember if I mentioned this in a previous comment or not but the man I refer to as "Bob" is staying with my neighbors now. It's strange b/c a few days before he started staying there I made the comment to my neighbor that "I don't care what lengths I have to go to, I will figure out who all contributed to my husband's habit that in turn ruined my marriage and my life as I knew it, and now contributed to the life of an innocent person being taken and the lives of a whole family turned upside down" They all know I have cop friends and my ex-husband is a cop. It's great to get along with your ex and be able to co-parent and be friends. I have done it with my husband's ex. HOWEVER..... it's strange that he is staying with my neighbors because he is the ex-husband living with his ex-wife and her fiance. She has a son with her ex and a son with her fiance. IDK, maybe it's just me finding it strange. But I'll be honest, "Bob" has acted no different towards me than he always has since I met him. I don't sense any tension, uneasiness, or sense of guilt from him. But, I still think he has known and has been involved with pills with my husband regardless. They say he is staying with them to get away from the other friend that I had bad feelings about and NEVER liked (can't remember what I referred to him as lol). They were living together apparently. But I don't understand why "Bob" would leave the home where HE was first. I feel there is something more..... BUT.... guess what @DeanD ... I refuse to play detective. I'm sitting back and letting everything play out. I'll be friendly and I'll hang out and be involved with them while guarding myself and let everything happen on it's own.

  • @Drained1 A bedroom makeover sounds lovely! I'm sure you'll have a great time doing that! I'm glad things are going well with your neighbors too. It's nice to know that you have some solid support and especially that live so close to you.

    And nope...no more detective ;)

  • @Drained1... Yay for you for not playing detective!!! :)
    Also, I want you to know that this part of your post made me smile:

    I feel so much more peace now that I have all of my neighbor/friends back in my life, however I also know to use my ears more than my mouth and to keep an arms distance right now.

    It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy to know that you're feeling much more peace now. And I'm proud of you for the whole "use my ears more than my mouth" statement. That shows me how far you've come on this journey. Good for you!

    It's "Little Friday" again, and I hope you have a wonderful day. Keep taking good care of YOU, my friend!
  • @Drained1 Glad to hear you are getting into the idea of a bedroom redo and that it is helping you to stay busy. I am always remodeling something myself. I guess I have a knack for it. Right now I am assisting my sister with an entire remodel of her bedroom. She and her husband take me out and have me choose everything for the room , from the flooring, paint colors, furniture and accessories. All my friends and family call me for help whenever they want to make changes in their home. Lol. That is a little weird regarding the living arrangements with Bob. And I think you are being very smart by not saying too much. There are people who can look you in the eye and seem completely innocent of anything, all the while being guilty of something. There are those that are very good at that and it can be difficult to get a true sense of their intentions so to speak. So good for you for being smart about it! It's good that you and your husbands ex are honest with the kids and don't bash him. There are women who bash their ex's due to their own anger, without regard to how they are hurting their kids. Even though my husband had a shitload of problems and could be a complete asshole at times, I never ran him down in front of them and shielded them from whatever I could. Well I hope you are having an excellent day!
  • @tiredmom I just ordered my new bedding set.... EEEEK!!!! A little excited. It will arrive around or before Nov. 10. That gives me time to get my room rearranged and I am going to do a lighted curtain behind my headboard.... I love Pinterest. I am about to send you a private message. Thank you so much for the idea. I'm using the same color scheme that I already have but, it's new and refreshing.

    @DeanD @dominica I am planning on pampering myself this weekend and getting a hair cut. Time for a fresh start in that area too lol! I'm looking forward to the weekend.

    So, I think I mentioned that around the time his new GF found all the emails he had been sending me that his brother called him out on all of his lies and secrets, etc. and defended me to their family and told them all the truth about what happened. They have not spoken since. Well, I found out last night that my husband told his sister and Lord knows who else that I am with his brother now and that his brother is staying with me several nights a week and that his brother and I demanded he come get the rest of his stuff from my house so that his brother and I did not have to keep looking at it..... AND... She believes it!!!!!! LOL!!! Ya'll, I was so amused. She doesn't know that none of my neighbors are talking to him anymore and assumes that my neighbor across the street is telling my husband this information. And literally, I have not seen his brother since before he left our house. SMH..... I was so proud of myself cause I just laughed and moved along with my life.

    Just had to share that bit of entertainment. BUT.... my sister in law told my husband's ex on Halloween while they were all trick or treating with the kids that my husband has lost his mind and needs help and she thinks that the accident changed him. His ex told her "No, he lost his mind and changed MONTHS ago but all of you just thought he was being funny and ya'll laughed about it" His sister said that he don't sound like the same person, doesn't talk like the same person and doesn't act like the same person anymore and his ex said "it's probably because he is still messed up, that's what happens but none of ya'll have ever been around him long enough when he is doing it to see it" His sister said that he has no way to get anything because he won't leave the house, he don't have any money or any way to get anything cause he just stays at the new GF's house.... his ex just looked at her with an obvious look on her face and said "think about it" So, that confirmed to me with her stating all of that that he is still using.

    But, I'm moving along with my life and looking forward to the weekend!!!
  • @Drained1 What you just described and said regarding your husband is pretty strange. That is a really odd thing to tell your family. To actually go into that much detail about you and his brother sounds more like he actually believes that in his head, and not just some weird lie to make you and his brother look bad. That is a bit worrisome. Did he have any type of head injury in the accident? Even a mild concussion? If not, it seems like he is getting a bit delusional if he actually believes that. My gut tells me the new GF is not a healthy person and is desperate and needy. The fact she saw the emails he sent you and knows his history, but is still holding on to him, says alot about her. I bet my life she is getting him whatever he wants. That is her ammo to keep him with her. She is pathetic. Whether he is delusional or just being an ass, he is certainly not well. There will come a time when his sister is going to have to face the truth regarding him. I think at this time it is easier for her to keep on her blinders because if she faced the truth she would probably feel like she has to do something about it, and I don't think she really wants to deal with it. I am wondering whatever happened with the investigation? Has he been charged with anything? Any blood work should have been available to police by now, I would think. And I still think it's very odd they left a pill bottle and pill in the vehicle. It doesn't seem like they even bothered to search the vehicle for some reason. Anyway, I am glad you are excited about the new bedroom. You really will feel much better in that room once it is all about YOU. A picture with an inspirational quote pertaining to your dreams and goals could be used also. Have fun doing the room!
  • @tiredmom about 2 weeks before I made him leave he was making up things in his head and believing them! For example, I had my sun visor down on the way to the store about 3 days before I made him leave. He was very messed up. When we turned I no longer needed it so I reached up and put the sun visor back up. He said very loudly "DO YOU F'ING KNOW HIM?????" It made me jump and I asked "Know who??" He said "that guy you just f'ing waved to in that truck" I said "what guy in what truck????" He said "the truck we just passed!!!!" I said "I was just putting my sun visor back up" He said "NO, you reached up and waved at him then used the excuse of the sun visor" I just shook my head and didn't even answer. He had gotten like that. I had told everyone that knew that this was a VERY different situation with him than I had ever experienced, something was very different. So it's def not from the wreck. I was talking to his ex and she had talked about how bad he had gotten the very first time she left him and this all reminded her of him then but he was mixing pills & meth then. I told her that he confessed to mixing pills and meth after he left and she didn't know that. She said that it all makes perfect sense then cause that is how he acts on meth... delusional, paranoid, full of rage, making up and believing his own fake stories..... She had no idea he had went back to using meth too since that very first time she left him.

    She also said that his sister told her that he keeps telling her that she is "acting shady" and keeps accusing her of trying to get everyone to get together and have him committed and his sister told him "you do need help". His sister told his ex that it's like a switch was flipped... It is very scary to think about him being like this. All it would take is to have two immediate relatives to sign to have a judge order him to go to get mental and/or addiction help. But with me not being around him since the end of July I don't think my statement would matter much. So it would have to be two other immediate relatives. I really feel that he needs it from everything I'm hearing. IDK if it's just the amount of time and the amount of drug use or if something mentally did just flip, but he is not and has not been the same for several months.

    I agree with you 100% about his new girlfriend. She is about to be 50 and he just turned 39. She is NOTHING like he is normally interested in. His sister said that she used to struggle with addiction and has been clean for about 20 yrs and she thought she would be good for my husband to help him since she has been there. ANY person that had been away from an addiction for that long would NOT want that around them. They would KNOW the signs to look for. And would NOT be ok with him taking Xanax around her for ANY reason. So I fully believe she is getting him what he wants and most likely doing it with him cause when I saw her at the hospital she looked like she was on edge and coming off something or needing something. I know what that looks like and she showed all the signs.

  • @Drained1 Are you saying he was using meth when you two were together???
  • @tiredmom about a week after he left the home is when I had the TPO signed by the judge. The day the TPO was signed he was sending texts saying he was coming by. I saw him ride by so I called the cops to come b/c I knew the order was not in affect until he had been served and I wasn't sure how to handle it. I told the cop I thought he may want to come get some of his stuff and the cop advised me to text him back and ask if that was the case and advise him to come while the cop was there to supervise. He text back that he didn't want anything and needed help. Said he thought he was overdosing. The cop had me call him to find out where he was so they could sent help to him. The cop had me ask what he had taken and when. He said he had mixed pills and meth. He said he had been mixing meth and pills for a little over 2 weeks... which was exactly the time frame that he got really bad and very much different that anything I had always experienced with him when using pills only.
  • You are describing my ex husband to a T. I know you know you did the right thing by leaving him, but I am telling you if he is using meth, thank god you got away from him. I swear that has to be the worst drug in the world in regards to how it effects someone's mental health. It's one thing to deal with someone being high, but a whole new ballgame when they become delusional or in psychosis. I know from personal experience. What you described regarding the sun visor is something I experienced myself. Jealous delusions and ridiculous accusations. I'm so glad you have the TPO. I would never get involved with any type of involuntary commitment at any point should it ever come to that. Definitely let his family do whatever. There is no guarantee he will ever get well and you don't want him to have any more things to irrationally blame you for. I seriously think the best place for him and you is if he goes to jail. People can become very dangerous while on meth. They are driven by their crazy thoughts and can become very delusional. So you make sure you are always aware of your surroundings. My ex actually forced me off the road with his car while in a state of mind like that. I have a feeling this new GF is using too. What person in their right mind would take on all his shit if she were truly clean. They deserve each other and you deserve everything great in life.
  • @tiredmom This sounds bad but I do hope that he goes to jail. It's driving me crazy that he isn't ALREADY in jail!! There have been no charges brought against him yet. I was told that the investigation could take several months by the trooper I spoke with last time. My ex-husband is a cop and he has actually been very helpful with questions I have and said that since he miraculously has no criminal history they most likely don't consider him a flight risk and that's why he is not there. I have no idea what is going on or if there have been any updates. I considered calling the trooper in charge of the investigation to see if he would tell me anything, or at least give me the results of the blood tests so I would KNOW, but I have tried to just sit back and not put myself in it any more than I have to be. I am always very aware of my surroundings. I'm not too worried about things right now since he has no vehicle and he isn't driving from what I understand.
  • That's good you are trying to just sit back and wait. Time will tell all. Glad you are aware of your surroundings too. Always best to be aware even if you weren't in this situation. And it is so much better for you that he is not driving! The day I left my TPO hearing my ex had the nerve to follow me, even though the judge just told him to stay away! He followed me into a police station parking lot and didn't even care. He was yelling and screaming in the parking lot and they came out and arrested him. He went to jail for a couple of months and I was glad he did.
  • Looking at the comforter again my thinking is the best design would be to paint the wall behind the bed the blush color. Then have white sheer curtains behind the bed. Then have a few accent pieces around the room in a blash pink. And maybe when you have a few extra dollars, buy silver lamps.
  • @Drained1... New bedroom, new haircut, new mindset. Nothing wrong with new stuff when the old stuff wasn't working, right? Sorry for this short reply, but I'm drained. Spent the day touring potential assisted living places for my wife's parents. So tiring, physically and emotionally. :(
  • @Drained1 it sounds like you're new life is going great... i bet you're excited about re-doing the bedroom.... yay!!

    @DeanD ahhh, i'm sorry you're thoroughly exhausted. bless it. i pray you and your wife can find the perfect place for them.... sending you some positive vibes and mega energy doses to help ya'll....


    @DeanD I am sorry you are having to go through this but I am certain your wife is so appreciative and thankful for you. BTW, how is your son?

    I had a decent weekend. I spent the majority of the day moving every piece of furniture in my bedroom around to see what worked best for the small space. My original plan would not work, so I found a different solution. I stopped around 3 that afternoon and got ready for the game. I went across the street and watched the games with my neighbors again and really enjoyed it. This time there was only one time my husband was even mentioned. One statement was made by my female friend. I mentioned something that I had saw on Facebook and it reminded me of her and instantly she turns and says "I saw that too and thought of you!!!" (we are not friends on FB, she unfriended me and we have not started to follow one another again since our reconciliation) She looked at me and started to say something, the stopped. About a minute later she said "I'm not trying to bring anything up or upset you and I hope it doesn't but I wanted you to know that I almost went off on "husband" the other day but I didn't cause I knew it would end ugly. But I am so glad we finally saw his true colors b/c he has lost his mind!"

    Everyone that I know that follows him on FB says that they have become so frustrated with him b/c he posts or shares a lot of things that are all trying to get attention as if HE is the victim. She said that he had shared a picture that said something like "have you ever lost complete respect for someone.........." and he said "YES!!!!" And put my name on there and started bashing me. I just looked at her and shook my head again. She said "it made me soooo mad!! All he is doing is begging for attention. We ALL used to play into it and he knew we were playing into it and believing him and feeling sorry for him. But now he knows that we have all seen his true colors and we are seeing the truth and his is mad about it. None of us play into it anymore and it's making him beg even more and place even more blame" and that he has made posts pretty much blasting them without naming them but she knows it's about them and my other neighbors. I said "you know what, just ignore him. You're doing right by not even responding because that's exactly what he is wanting. He is wanting ANY kind of response. I'm not worried about what he says about me, I know that I have done everything in the best and most mature way I could for the situation and he has no reason to be mad at me. I know that he is mad at himself and trying to justify everything to make it look like I am to blame rather than .... once again.... taking responsibility for himself" She said "we don't hate him, but I personally have lost every ounce of respect for him through this because he is someone that I did have complete respect for, I saw him as a very "real" person and someone that was a good person. Now, I see a selfish man that I have zero respect for and no longer trust to be around me or my family. I see a man that took someone's life because of his choices that he was STILL denying and STILL won't take responsibility for and still shows NO remorse for that" She went on to say that she does hope he gets help and does turn his life around, and that if all that happens one day they will be his friend but she will never see him the same and it will take a LOT to rebuild their trust and respect. I told her that I completely understand that and was like "think about how I feel!! I still love him even with all of that has been done and said. I'll always care for him and always want the best for him, but I know I'll never give him another chance. I watched the man I loved and had regained 100% trust in change and become someone I didn't even know" That was it. Nobody chimed in and kept the talk about him or us going. It was a really nice evening.

    Yesterday was emotional and bittersweet to be honest. His brother "A" contacted me first thing and asked when I was going to bring their mom's stuff to their dad's house. I told him I was waiting on my daughter's fiance to get up so he could help me load the big heavy tv, then I could come. He asked if it was ok if he just came and got it because he really wanted to see my dog.... he has loved my dog since the day we got him and used to come by JUST to see him lol. I told him that was absolutely fine. So, he came over. My dog was SO EXCITED to see him!!!! It was the cutest thing!!! He sat and we talked for a very long time about things. It was the first time I had seen him since before my husband left. He read me the group message that my husband sent to him, their baby brother and their sister that was the last he had heard from him (a little over a month ago) until this Saturday. As soon as he started reading it I just started shaking my head because it was literally just a "poor me" message to get them to respond. His baby brother (the one that went to the tow yard with me) responded and played into it. "A" did not. He basically called him out on all of his lies and denial and lack of remorse and responsibility and told him the truth and told him that he isn't going to "sugar coat" anything. His baby brother responded with "this isn't the time to argue, we all love you and we are all here for you" to which "A" responded again saying that he wasn't trying to argue or anything like that but that he is done trying to "protect" and "coddle" my husband. My husband went off on "A" and they had a few heated messages between one another and then "A" just stopped responding because it was clear he wasn't getting through. I told "A" that it sounded like he was messed up sending those messages because most didn't even make sense and that's how he sounds/texts when he is messed up and angry. He said that he knew he was messed on a few times he was over there from "medicine the doctors gave him" because he would sit there and fall asleep sitting up..... Now, I do not know if he really does have prescribed meds or not but I know that pain meds have always made him wired for long periods of time until he sits down, then he would be asleep in no time.

    "A" said that he has stood their sister up 2 or 3 times for dinner, he has missed 2 dr appointments for his foot. I asked if he was missing the appt because he doesn't have health insurance and doesn't have money and "A" said that his new GF would be stupid enough to pay for it for him. He said that their sister even told the new GF that she is "stupid as hell for letting him come back". they all know he is just taking advantage of having someone to take care of him and everything for him. I fully believe it's pill related and she is providing and/or using with him. But, we were able to talk and I didn't not get emotional or anxious. "A" had not heard from him until this Saturday since that heated discussion. My husband text him wanting to know what I (but he called me several names) had of his and that he figured he would just contact "A" since we talk daily like we "have a thing". "A" told him that he needed to go ahead and get that out of his head and told him what all I had said was still there. He said he didn't want anything from there. So "A" said "ok" and that was it. No apology for the things he said to him in the last messages between them or anything further.

    I told "A" that the only personal things of his that I had not already taken to their sister's was a bag of camo coveralls for hunting, and two guitars. I told "A" that it was up to him if he wanted to take them or not, otherwise I would donate to Goodwill. He said that he would keep the guitars and the coveralls b/c my husband had sold one of "A"'s guitars that was at our house the last time I left. He also took the coveralls for himself because back in the day when he was using heavily when we first got together and had to move back in with his Dad he had "borrowed" his expensive coveralls for work and then never gave them back. When "A" would ask where they were he would say they were still at his shop and then when we were moving back to their Dad's when we couldn't pay rent we put all of our stuff in storage. "A" asked where they were and my husband would always tell him they were in a bag in the very back corner of the storage room. When we moved into another place "A" asked me to look for them when we were unpacking and they were never found.

    As we were moving everything out of the bedroom, it hit me. It was real... there was going to be nothing of "him" left in my house after that. I had to walk out back to regroup. We loaded everything up and I told "A" that I had to go to their sister's to take an office chair that I no longer used and told her she could have. He said that she is pretty much over him too. I told him that I didn't know... cause every time she said that a day or so later she was all about believing him. He said "yeah, I know, she was like that with me about him too cause I wasn't playing along with is pity party... but he called her the other day and was acting psycho and going off on her. She hung up on him and hasn't talked to him since." As he started to leave I couldn't stop the tears.... I just sobbed and he hugged me and kept saying he was so sorry that all this happened and that they all love me and none of them are mad at me. That they all know I have a "shit storm" that I have been and still continue to deal with because of their brother.

    He had left a few tools at the house that he didn't want so I walked across and asked the neighbors if they wanted any of it. My female friend across the street just stood up and came over and hugged me. I lost it again. She said "You needed this, you needed the rest of his things gone. You don't need to look at it daily, you needed this to close this door. I know you still have plenty of reminders in your house and everywhere, but it's time to make new memories in your home and not have to see his stuff"

    I then text my sister in law and told her that I was going to head her way with the chair so I can just be done with getting everything out of that room. She told me that my husband was supposed to come that afternoon to get the rest of his things from there too and that I needed to come then if possible. So I did. I took the chair in. I also had found a camo seat cushion that their Mom had given him the last Christmas she was alive. I didn't have the heart to keep it, throw it away or donate it. I took it to his sister and told her that I didn't have the heart to do anything other than bring it to her house. I told her if he didn't want it I figured she could give it to her son. She remembered the cushion because her Mom had gotten her husband, my husband and both their brothers one that year. She thanked me for doing that. Her husband looked at me and asked "how are YOU?" I teared up. My sister in law looked at me and said "he isn't worth getting upset over. He has made this bed and it's nothing to do with you or any fault of yours" She told me about his phone call to her. I told her that he had gotten bad like that a few weeks before he left. I reminded her of me telling her how he was paranoid, making false accusations, making up stories in his head and believing them, getting angry and in a rage over nothing... her husband said "he is doing that now" I told him "then he is messed up still" they both looked at each other. I told them that "A" had read me the group text and I told them "I'm certain he was messed up that day too" and her husband shook his head in agreement. I didn't stay long at all. Her husband invited me to come over next weekend and have dinner with them. I told him I would love that. He said "we all need distance from him and his BS. Come eat dinner and let's just enjoy being together like we always used to do"

    I came home from their house and got back in my room. I have it ALMOST complete. I will work a little throughout the week and then next weekend I'll finish up.

    Sorry for another novel. I just had all of that I needed to get off of my chest.
  • No apologies necessary, @Drained1. I'm glad you got his stuff out of the house. And I'm glad you got this off your chest. As far as how my son's doing...no comment.

    I hope you have a great week. :)
  • @Drained1 Hey there. I'm glad that you got to work on your bedroom this weekend and that is coming along. I'm also glad to hear that you're getting all of his stuff out of the house. It'll be nice to have the house with just your energy in it. That'll be helpful for you to just keep moving on. I know there will come a day when you won't have to endure having any conversations about him. And over time others will stop talking about him as well. Hopefully sooner than later :)

    Super glad that you get to hang out with your neighbors now and it sounds like you enjoyed your weekend. I hope that you have an amazing Week full of peace and joy.
  • Yes @dominica it was a nice weekend and I have been enjoying being with my neighbors again.

    Guys, can I get a opinions on something else? You all know I'm struggling with obtaining closure.... I was able to find out that I will not be violating the TPO. It states that he cannot contact or come near me. According to a local attorney that is the case.... He said it's "a 1 way street" when it comes to extended TPO's. That it's def best that I don't try to contact him for the purpose of getting a response in order to be vengeful or spiteful to get a response. Which, I would not do that anyway.... and I left out the part where he has already violated it many times. So, I'm still debating on whether or not to email him the letter I typed once the final hearing is over. But, another area where I need closure and I know it's just me being impatient is his accident. I want so badly to contact the trooper investigating the accident and ask if the results of the toxicology tests are back and if I can know the results. But, at the same time given the circumstances.... I also don't want to get involved on my own. The last trooper I spoke with told me to feel free to call with any questions and they will be happy to help answer what they can. They have my number and I told them I was ok with them contacting me if they needed to when he asked me.

    I'm just REALLY struggling with not having closure to both of these issues.... I sincerely feel those are the two areas keeping me from moving forward and being at full peace. opinions? suggestions?? @DeanD @tiredmom @dominica
  • @Drained1 It sounds like quite a weekend for you. So many different emotions to have to deal with. But I think you will start to feel a little better now that his things are out of the house. I remember when I went through that. At first, it seemed a little strange having my husbands things gone, but then it felt good and liberating. It really does sound like your husband is still using. Be glad you no longer have to have him in your home and listen to his paranoid thoughts and ranting. He seems to be in complete denial about everything. I worry things might get worse with him, before they get better. I remember my husband got worse right around the time of the divorce hearing. So keep your eyes open. My ex started going over the deep end.
  • @Drained1... While I think it would be okay to call the trooper and ask any questions you'd like, I worry that instead of closure you might be greeted with more stress/anxiety/etc. WDYT? And I would still refrain from doing anything with that letter until after November 19th at the earliest. Those are just my opinions, my dear.
  • @tiredmom It does seem like he has gotten worse from what I am hearing. Our hearing is in exactly two weeks from today. I know he won't be there because he knows he doesn't have to be. I'm not sure if he is able to drive yet and know he doesn't have a vehicle so unless he gets someone to drive him around I'm not too worried about him showing up but still staying very aware of my surroundings.

    @DeanD I'm definitely not doing anything (if ever) until after the hearing. I had already made my decision on that. I think your thoughts are valid on causing new or more emotions and feelings by finding out more.... right now I'm just wanting answers, didn't think about how it would feel to have the answers.... good thought.
  • @Drained1 Definitely do not send that letter until after the divorce. You have to remember that your husband is probably still using and who knows exactly what he is using. I doubt it very much he is even in a somewhat normal state of mind. Anything you have to say to him probably won't even get through to him. Even if all you want to do is let him know how you feel. It's contact, and ANY contact could cause him to think you care and could stir him up further. You have to remember people under the influence of drugs don't think like we do. They aren't always rational and as you already said, he believes what he wants to believe. Don't open up that door again. The important thing for now is you know why this happened. I know a woman in our area who was badly beaten by her husband for years. She eventually left him and got a TPO. At one point she called him to discuss something and it WAS considered a violation of the TPO. The judge threw out the TPO and all hell broke loose again! I wouldn't take that chance! Regarding wanting to know about the toxicology report-I think it would be o.k. to contact the officer you had spoke to earlier. I would just tell him you are concerned because the insurance was in your name and you're worried because of insurance and any potential lawsuits if your husband was under the influence and you just need to be aware of how serious this could become and you need to protect yourself going forward. Hopefully he will tell you what you need to know. You can only try. There will come a time when you will get complete closure. But I don't think that can happen until after the divorce. You need to just keep moving forward and close each door at the appropriate time. Besides, you may have more to say later on and you don't want to feel like you have to send a second letter. I know it's hard not to tell them exactly how you feel, but it might not be worth the trouble that could come from it. I hope this helped some.
  • @tiredmom You are absolutely right!!!! Thank you once again. Yes, it helped tremendously! I'm so thankful for you and everyone here that I have come to love!
  • @Drained1 I'm glad that helped. I felt the same way when I got my divorce. I'll admit that I was almost obsessed with wanting him to understand where I was coming from, and why I was divorcing him. I desperately wanted him to understand and realize that he caused it all with his use and issues. I think I wanted him to understand I was justified in everything I had to do and the actions I felt forced to take. But I am 100% sure your husband won't even be able to see how it is his fault. I think your husband is in deep denial regarding his responsibility in ANYTHING. It could be a very long time, if ever, that he takes full responsibility and before that can even begin to happen he needs to be off the drugs! In his mind HE is the victim and everyone else is in the wrong. Look how long it is taking his family to come to any realization of the truth, and they are sane people who aren't on drugs. Most likely whatever you say to your husband won't get through to him. He'll probably just post the damn thing on facebook.
  • @tiredmom thank you! I feel the same way.... it's like.... it's not fair that he has poured out all of his feelings and emotions (whether true or not) and I have not had the opportunity so say as much as "goodbye".

    The lady at the finance company called the insurance company Friday and went over the adjuster's head and told her manager that she has experience in dealing with both me and my husband and she understands that the adjuster is wanting to believe everything he says, but she is going to let this drag on because he does not do what he says when he says he will do it and that this dragging out is hurting my credit that I've worked so hard to build. The manager told the finance manager that if they did not receive his power of attorney over the weekend they would allow her to proceed with her "repo" paperwork so they would release funds and pay the truck off because now we are at the due date for November payment and if that goes over we will OWE on the truck rather than breaking even. So the finance lady called me this morning and let me know that the insurance adjuster called her this morning and said they still do not have the power of attorney back. The finance manager sent an employee to the insurance company in person with the paper to avoid further delay. She is not reporting it as a repo on our credit, but that is the quickest way to release funds before another "late" or "non payment" has to be reported. She assured me she would call me as soon as it was all taken care of and assured me she has my back and is doing everything possible to expedite it so I can be done with this chapter as well.
  • @Drained1 Here is something that is on a little deeper level. I wasn't sure if I should post it or not but I think I have a pretty good insight into some of what you might be feeling. The thing is, your husband caused you alot of pain and heartache. You're probably still feeling alot of hurt and emotional pain. It's natural to feel that way and in your own mind he is the only one who can take that away. Hence, the letter. You may be thinking if only he can realize, acknowledge what he did to you, it might take away some of the pain? But he was not able to take away your pain when you were with him, and he won't do it now. I know it's hard, but acceptance of what it is, is key to freedom from this hurt.
  • @tiredmom wow.... I sincerely NEEDED to hear that. You're so right..... thank you for posting.
  • @Drained1 No problem sweetie. I feel you. So glad you have someone on your side regarding the truck. Everything will come together in time. You're doing a great job handling everything and you should be very proud of yourself for how strong you are being. Some day your life is going to be so great you won't even believe it. You're going to get through this and when you do you're going to be so strong.! You'll see!
  • That's some great insight you've shared, @tiredmom. Thanks so much for caring about @Drained1 and other folks here. It's what makes this forum so great. <3
  • @Drained1 Hey there.... I'm not sure that knowing what the tox screen says would make anything different. It's almost certain that he was using something and the amount and or substance in question really doesn't change anything. I think that may be bordering on more detective work on your part, and that keeps you attached energetically.

    I agree that you should probably not send an email. But of course that is just my opinion as well. :)
  • @dominica you're right about the letter for sure. I just remembered something that @tiredmom stated not long ago... it's like I want to know for confirmation that I did the right thing... although I already KNOW this. But I think I am just mainly needing to know why the accident happened. I just don't understand it... all I have is my gut feeling. With the holidays approaching it's really hurting my heart that this other family is facing the holidays without their loved one and as far as I know, nobody knows what caused it.
  • @Drained1 I can understand that.... but whether it was drugs or texting while driving or just being careless.... won't matter. it's horrible regardless. offer up your grief for the family as a prayer....i will join you in that.
  • @Drained1 My thinking is this family is of course very upset and if they have any amount of intelligence, they have to be questioning how the hell did someone just not make the turn, and drive straight. I can bet my life they are wondering if alcohol or something else came into play. They are probably grieving but in grief one of the emotions is eventually anger. They are going to want answers! Your husband HAD to be under the influence. You know this in your heart. How does one just not turn the wheel? You said yourself at one point that usually he was a careful driver. Or so you thought. Either way, it happened. Whether he had substances in him or not, he was reckless. Even if by some remote chance he didn't have substances, how can you know if he didn't have them the night before and was just not with it? The truth will come out. But if it is weighing on your mind enough that it is preoccupying you and draining your energy, then go ahead and see if you can find out from the police officer. It may have some type of an effect on you personally if it turns out he WAS under the influence, because of the insurance and you being part owner of the vehicle. You are another victim of this mess he made. The fact he is not taking responsibility and doesn't even seem to be attempting to cooperate with even the insurance and finance companies, says he is still selfish and isn't taking YOU into consideration. Especially since it could affect your credit! He is being a self centered narcissistic asshole right now! And he does not deserve the time or energy you are wasting even thinking about him at all! I know it's tough, but you will get through it all and you will get your answers in time. Just try to hang in there and find some things to make you feel good. Spend as much energy on yourself as possible.
  • @tiredmom preach it, girl. :) you're right... don't waste time and energy on him... spend time doing things that make you feel lighter... take your power back (your thought life).... reign it in!!!
  • @Drained1 I have one more thought /feeling on this. I may be right, and I may be wrong. But my thought is because you are a very caring and compassionate person, you probably feel terrible for these people. Something HE should be feeling. You probably took on a lot of his baggage in the past, and you're taking it on again in a sense. I'm also wondering if you are thinking /questioning if just maybe you would have stayed with him, that this might not have happened? Let me tell you, if you stayed with him, he would not have changed. His addiction would have just progressed and you would have suffered even more than you have already. There is never a good outcome when someone is using the drugs he uses and if he has added meth to his little cocktail of drugs it will only get worse. Something like this was bound to happen. The only good thing is you weren't in the vehicle and you are still here. And you don't have to be involved in any more shit he gets himself into. And you are lucky to get out before you, yourself got hurt. It is awful for those people of course, but it is NOT your burden to bear. Terrible things happen in life and we all have something to carry, but this is not YOUR load. You couldn't save him from himself then and I am sure you gave it everything you had! Now is the time to nurture yourself and feel peace knowing there was nothing more you could have done for him or anyone else. And be glad you are getting the opportunity for a better life. Had you stayed, god only knows what could have happened to YOU. Everything in life happens the way it was supposed to.
  • @tiredmom very true.... @Drained1 this is not your load to carry...he was never your responsibility... each person is 100% responsible for his/her life journey. we are all given free will to choose...

    you're choosing LIFE.... a good life... and i'm glad about that.
  • @tiredmom I read your comments last night but wasn't able to stop and reply. Yes, I feel in my heart, soul, and gut that my husband was messed up when the accident happened. I know that he HAD to have been driving fast for it to happen as quickly as it did... I think I mentioned in another post that I obtained additional pictures (besides the ones I took) from the accident that were moments after EMS arrived on the scene and all parties were still in the vehicles. You can see the passenger in my husband's truck is clearly unconscious, you can see the shadow outline of my husband but can't tell if he is conscious or not but I know that he was able to answer the cop's questions on the scene at some point before being transported to the hospital because the accident report states that my husband asked if anyone was in the vehicle with him and the cops told him that there was. My husband responded that he didn't remember having anyone in there with him. I believe the passenger was messed up too and likely passed out or nodded off or whatever, otherwise why would he not panic and get my husband's attention?

    On the vehicle he hit, it was the passenger that passed away, the picture I have is from the driver's side of their vehicle and all you can see is the driver's arm sitting on the door... it's clearly broken in several places. It was sitting on the door as if the driver did not have time to even respond or brace because their window was down (it had been a BEAUTIFUL day) and his arm was sitting on the door as if they had just been cruising and enjoying the perfect weather. The whole time I have known my husband he has been a VERY cautious and safe driver when sober... he would go the speed limit at the fastest and a lot of times he would go under the speed limit. Now, I've only rode with him a few times when I knew he was messed up and that was very early on when I really wasn't able to tell until it was very bad OR we would get in to go somewhere and he was fine when we left but clearly began to change while driving. He would swerve and had a hard time keeping the vehicle in his lane. But I honestly don't remember him speeding. I remember the time that he took my stepdaughter one Saturday when I had to work. The kids Mom had tried to call my husband and he didn't answer so she called her son and woke him up. He told her that his dad and sister were not there. She told him she was coming to pick them up b/c they needed them home for some reason (she didn't really, she just knew).... so he called his Dad. When she got their to pick the kids up she said he was clearly messed up. She asked her daughter after they left if they had gotten breakfast while they were out and she said no. So she asked "well where did ya'll go then?" She said they were "just riding" and that "Daddy was so funny, he was swerving back and forth and we were laughing so hard" It makes me nauseous to think back on all of this now.

    @tiredmom Each and every word you said is true and mean so much to me and I'm beyond thankful. This part REALLY hit me last night:
    "Terrible things happen in life and we all have something to carry, but this is not YOUR load. You couldn't save him from himself then and I am sure you gave it everything you had! Now is the time to nurture yourself and feel peace knowing there was nothing more you could have done for him or anyone else. And be glad you are getting the opportunity for a better life. Had you stayed, god only knows what could have happened to YOU. Everything in life happens the way it was supposed to."

    @dominica Thank you for joining me in keeping that family in prayer. And thank you for your support as well.... you know I would be lost without you and @DeanD these past several months. You guys have been a solid foundation and are so awesome!

    Yesterday afternoon, I practiced some self care..... I went to Bath & Body Works right after work and I took my time browsing the store and taking some time for just me to relax. It doesn't sound like a very big deal, but I needed that calming down time. Yesterday was slow at work and I had too much time to think and let my thoughts consume me. So by the end of the day I was feeling a bit anxious. I had some coupons fro the store and a $20 gift card as well and I had not been able to get to the store, so I made time yesterday afternoon. I bought $83 worth of items and after sale savings, coupons and gift card I ended up paying $21 for everything! As soon as I got home, I lit one of the candles I had gotten and sat in the recliner with my dog and read a book I had started a while back. It was a calm and relaxing afternoon.

    I've taken note of how I let myself get yesterday when things were slow, so I am going to stay aware of when this is happening and these thoughts and everything start to overwhelm me. I will get out of my office and walk around for a few to regroup then find other things to do rather than sitting and obsessing.

    OH... I will be honest, I have been DREADING Christmas this year. I had decided I'm not even decorating this year. Don't want to acknowledge the holidays at all. I told my other neighbors (the first ones to come to me and apologize) that the last time I hung out with them. My male friend said "why?" I told him "because this year, it's very different. It's just not going to be the same. Last year was literally the BEST Christmas we had in all our years together and It's just going to hurt to wake up alone and not have that again" He responded "why was last year the best?" I told him that "I was never worried about him being messed up on Christmas any year, that was the one day I knew he would be normal. But last year I was not even concerned or having a thought about that. Last year we had Christmas with you guys and "other neighbors" and it was like a big family event and it meant so much to me. It was also the first Christmas since our very first Christmas that he actually bought me gifts and had them wrapped under the tree for me on Christmas morning. After the first Christmas together, either he didn't get me anything or he would run out on Christmas eve and grab something and give it to me then. Last year, he REALLY went all out and really got me everything I had been wanting. I know it's not about gifts, but it was a really nice Christmas for everyone"

    He just stared at me for a few minutes... and after I said all of that I sat and thought about what I had said. It hit me.... wow..... and I knew he was about to hit me with the truth too.... He said "think about what you just said to me" and he got quiet again. Then he said "every Christmas YOU bought gifts for everyone.. including last year. The weight has been on YOU to buy gifts and provide a good Christmas to everyone... him, your kids, his kids, and last year YOU bought gifts for us and "other neighbors" and all of our kids too. YOU made Christmas what it was last year, and every single year before that. Yes, things were very different last year. He was "good".... or was he really? Nobody really knows when he really relapsed again. If you noticed it two weeks after your surgery at the beginning of January, I have a feeling it really started before that. I've been there.... this is just me... but when I would start again it was a little here, a little there.... just enough to where nobody would know. At work during the day so it would be wearing off before I came home... stuff like that. And you know what, I would go overboard showing my ex-wife attention, buying her things, taking her places... it was my guilt" Ya'll, when he said that, it hit me.... my husband DID do that.... when he would relapse he would start being extra sweet and giving. He may be right.... I'm not going to let that take away from last year but now I see that perhaps it was because of that.

    But then he said "instead of mourning what is gone, embrace what is there. Your daughter is there with you. You said last year that the only thing missing was your daughter being there. She LOVES Christmas, she loves decorations and all that..... make it good for her, and for you. Enjoy her being there. Ya'll make new memories, ya'll start new traditions. Next year, ya'll will have a new baby in the family that can grow up with the new traditions from THIS YEAR. Enjoy not having to carry his weight this year."

    I'm sitting here in tears now. I needed that.. ...... SO, my point in sharing all of that was to share that I bought the first Christmas gifts of the year yesterday as well. We are going to enjoy this season......

    Another novel length post.... sorry guys!!

  • @Drained1 Good morning. No need to apologize for long posts. It's lovely to be able to connect the way we do here and chat about everyday life.

    I'm glad that you took some time to pamper yourself yesterday. You did get an amazing deal at the store! And I'm glad that your neighbor talked to you about the holidays. It is a blessing that you have your daughter. You two can can come up with your own Christmas traditions and simply enjoy the loving and joyful holiday spirit together. My daughter and her boyfriend moved here about a month ago and I'm so excited that they're here for the holiday season. And my grandbaby is due in 2 weeks, so it's pretty exciting and I'm going to commit to enjoying the holiday season with them!

    I think about the winter season, and how the leaves fall to the ground and some greenery dies or simply hibernates. It's a good time for us to hunker down and enjoy some rest and nurture ourselves. And nurture our inner life. It's also a nice time to get together with loved ones regularly. Make some hot soup or chili or down here in Louisiana everyone makes gumbo LOL.

    Have a blessed day and know that you are loved!
  • Thank you @dominica for that and congrats to you and your daughter!!! As I mentioned, when my daughter and her fiance moved in with me I thought the timing was just terrible. After all, they were going to completely ruin my afternoons of laying on the couch with all blinds closed and no lights on and just laying there sobbing or getting lost in my thoughts. Turns out, that was the best thing that could have possibly happened at that time. For them and for me. It made me get up and made me put a smile on and be involved with human interaction. There is also that motherly instinct that forced me to be there for her and not be consumed with self pity and emotional meltdowns in front of her. She and I have reconnected on a different level, I've been able to talk to her about things going on with me and she has been able to speak to me and ask questions on a level that is new and exciting for her. Her due date is April 18, so this holiday season will be the last before she becomes a Mommy herself.

    I am telling you guys, I truly believe that every single thing that has happened to me this whole year has happened for a reason and with PERFECT timing. As terrible and full of trauma as it has been, I see that every single thing that happened was something that NEEDED to happen exactly as it did. I am moving out of the asking why and seeing how it all fit together to get me to right here in this moment and how each step set me up to be in the best place that I can possibly be for all that is happening.
  • Good to hear you had some time for yourself yesterday @Drained1 . I love going to Bath & Body works. It smells so good and there is definitely something comforting about the place. I am big into candles. There is something comforting about having a candles burning in the house. I remember my first Christmas after my separation from my husband. I was having to readjust my budget and money was tight. I end up baking an assortment of cookies and took my time to make them really nice. Then I packaged them in nice boxes with tissue paper and gave them as gifts. That was something I did that kept me busy and also helped me to not think so much about what I was going through. Everyone loved them and it helped with my money situation too. I don't know if you are a baker, but it could be something fun to do with your daughter. I froze them and packaged them the day before Christmas. I'm glad you decided to go ahead and make a nice Christmas for yourself and your family. Christmas would be even harder if you didn't decorate, etc. and you woke up Christmas morning without all the things you normally have and do. It's definitely better to just move forward and keep living life as normal. Well today I am going to do some leaf raking. I have huge trees that it looks like there are a million leaves on the ground! It takes me weeks to clean them all up. Hope you are having a great day.
  • @Drained1... Everything that happened to you this year is exactly the reason why you SHOULD celebrate Christmas.

    And for what it's worth, I'm a guy who loves Bath & Body Works. :)
  • Well @DeanD now I know what to send you for Christmas ;)
  • @DeanD and @Drained1 I much be nuts, because the first thing I thought of was when that guy said, It puts the lotion on its body. From Silence of the Lambs! Lol
  • @Drained1... Scented candles and hand soaps are my jam!

    @tiredmom... I've never seen Silence of the Lambs, but I'll take your word for it! ;)
  • @DeanD Really? You'll have to definitely watch that movie. Maybe you can find it on your cable. You'll have a good laugh after you see what I was talking about. Good movie.
  • I fixed it, @tiredmom. And I don’t watch many movies. Never have. I’ve never even seen a Star Wars movie. B)
  • That's amazing @DeanD Movies are a big distraction for me and a way to get my mind on something else. Now I am curious, do you watch any tv shows?
  • @tiredmom... A few. I mostly listen to music because it doesn’t require me to sit and watch. So I can multitask!
  • Good morning friends! I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday afternoon, we had moved it from weekly to bi-weekly appointments. Good news! She isn't ready to have me committed HAHAHA! In fact, she said that she is very impressed at my progress and she is very "inspired" by how well I have handled SO MUCH being thrown at me all in a small amount of time. She loves that I have been able to see how things worked perfectly as a result of such hard decisions and sticking to my boundaries. I told her that I completely owe all of that to my "family" here on this forum. That I would not be where I am if it were not for you guys. Actually, I confessed to her that had I not found this community I would have caved several times rather than standing strong and not breaking. I explained to her how everyone here was so supportive, encouraging and so honest and open. I told her how much I have learned and grown since joining this community. She wants to see me again after the divorce hearing to see how I am handling the divorce being final. She sees that some of my weak points are when things are "real" .... such as happened this weekend when his items were gone. She also encouraged me to let the emotions run their course.... if I need to cry, let it out. If I'm angry, let it out. To not hold the emotions in because in the long run not letting all of the emotions run their course will come back around and I will not fully heal. She thinks I am truly healing and working through everything wonderfully given the circumstances.

    I talked with her about not feeling like I NEED closure since I never got that, about the letter, about wanting to contact the investigating Trooper. Like always, she really made me work through the feelings and emotion behind these issues. LOL... at one point I gave her a look when she asked me a deep question regarding this and she said "Don't give me 'the look', you knew this question was coming" LOL!! Who knew I had a look!?!?! **MAJOR SARCASM THERE** I started to answer and she stopped me and said "let me stop you, I want you to take a moment and think before you answer that. Really think." She agreed that closure is huge and necessary, and I do need closure. But I realized that this was something I was clinging to in order to feel some sort of attachment to him since everything else was gone.... his stuff is gone, he is no longer contacting me, etc. She assured me I will get closure when the time is right and when it will be beneficial to me rather than create more chaos.

    She suggested, as all of you have, that I hold on to that letter. Keep it saved on my computer and add/edit as I need to as things go on. But that... again, as you guys have said, this is not the best time to get that letter to him. Yes, it may make me feel as though I have gotten everything out. But with me feeling as though he is still using based on what I'm hearing, and knowing that if it's to the point where his sister can see something is different then it's likely heavy use. She feels as you guys do that it may just open the door again to more chaos with him in the mental state that he is in. She suggests I wait until he is in a sober and clear mental state of mind and can truly take it in. She asked me how I felt he would respond to the letter and I told her if he is still using, he would become angry and lash out even further because he can't or doesn't want to deal with the consequences of his actions. He is just grasping for anything and everything to play the blame game right now. So there I had it, I answered my own question. Gotta love when that happens.....

    As far as closure regarding the accident, she said that was a tough one... because she understands why I am feeling this and why I am wanting answers. That anyone would. But she agreed with my own statement that I don't want to get myself involved if I don't have to be involved. That the more I stay out of the focus of the investigator the better given the circumstance. She did tell me that she knows for a fact had we still been together or had I not had proof that I had no way of knowing what he was doing or where he had been in the 2 months prior to the accident (due to the TPO) that I would very likely be under the spotlight as well. She agreed that each step and action I took, no matter how hard, it was all working for my best interest. She said that the fact that they have not contacted me as of yet speaks volumes and it's best to keep it that way and not look like I am searching for info. Like she said "I assure you, when they are ready to have you know something, you will know. Because it will likely be that they need additional info from YOU" So, I'm just sitting tight and I feel like both of those issues were lifted off my shoulders. I'm at peace with looking forward instead of backwards this morning.

    My neighbor friend sent me a message last night checking on me to see how I was after the appointment. I told her all of what I just said above. She actually made me cry with her response: "You have endured pure hell and I am honestly inspired by how well you handled it and also you being the bigger person in every situation when most would have lost their shit at some point. I think you have handled everything with positive letting it shape you into a better stronger person rather than letting it make you bitter. I am proud of you for that" That really meant so much to me! I assured her that I had plenty of moments of wanting to break and there were even times I was scared of the feelings and emotions I had. But, I can look back and honestly say that I have walked (sometimes crawled) through the biggest, most furious storm of my life.... but I did it. It's not over, I know that. But I am so much stronger and in such a better place now that I know I can make the final lap.
  • @Drained1 Good morning. I'm glad that your therapy appointment went well. I'm really proud of you for cultivating a strong supportive Network during all of this. It really can be helpful when we are connected with others while going challenging times.

    I'm glad that everyone here in the forum could be of help to you and that your therapist and some loved ones could as well. But you did the work! So really proud of you for that, and your continued willingness to do the work.

    As Dean says, you're a "badass" in a good way ;) and you? have a look? haha. all women have a "look" i think lol

  • Thank you @dominica I really feel like I'm on the downhill part of this ordeal now. Like I told my therapist.... I know that this may take years to be settled as far as the accident and I can't let it consume me any longer than it already has. I saw that their family has set a celebration of life ceremony for the victim that passed as a result of this accident. I saw it very first thing this morning because that is one thing I am struggling to put a stop to.... I look at her FB page daily. I have decided that I will no longer do this. I got very emotional this morning, but that is what I have been waiting to see as morbid as it sounds. I have known that due to the other victim that did survive being in critical condition this whole time that the family was refusing to have a ceremony until he could attend. It was a husband and wife, the wife passed. I have not shared these details yet on here, but I'm ready now. That is why it has been so heavy on my heart.... he did not get to say goodbye to his wife in any way. I think in some weird way I'm also taking on a lot of what I feel they are experiencing as far as no answers & no closure. IDK... Anyway, I had to redirect my thoughts this morning. I did not cause this. I am not responsible for this. I had nothing to do with this. It was a terrible terrible accident and my heart hurts for that family but I can no longer carry the weight. I saw that they are going to celebrate her life, they are going to close this chapter in their lives. I choose to do that as well. I will continue to lift them in prayer. I will no longer let HIS choices and actions steal my joy. That's precisely what I've been doing... been letting him and his actions steal my joy and he doesn't even have to lift a finger to do it. That stops today.
  • I started tearing up while I was reading our post, @Drained1. I'm so damn proud of you. And I'm so touched that you give this community so much credit for helping you navigate your way through your storm(s). That means a lot.

    Yes, you are truly a badass. And I'm happy to know you.

    Also, FWIW... I had a horrible relationship with my dad while I was growing up because of his alcoholism. I carried around so much resentment and there was so much I wanted him to know. So I wrote him a letter. But I never gave it to him. That was more than 11 years ago. And it's still on my computer. For a while, I was dead set on giving it to him. But I never did. Even so, it made me feel better. And I eventually decided I didn't need to give it to him because it had already served its purpose.
  • @tiredmom @DeanD you two are cracking me up... Silence of the Lambs! Scary lol

    What tv shows do you like @tiredmom ??
  • @DeanD great about the letter to your dad... helped YOU.... good idea for anyone who struggles with feelings about a past someone who hurt them so much....
  • @Drained1 oooooh, i wouldn't be able to look at the fb page of the woman... i'm far too sensitive...and you probably are too. that grief is not yours to carry. yes, we can feel badly about her early departure and the family's grief.... it was tragic....but you don't have to allow it to stifle you...pin you down. and the woman wouldn't' (and doesn't) want that for you now.

    we can agree for comfort for the family....healing...god's kind of peace as they remember and miss her.

  • @dominica I was cracking up too when @DeanD said he likes Bath and Body works. Not because he likes it, but because I was thinking of their lotions and the first thing I thought of was that movie when that girl was down in the hole and that creepy guy was dancing and telling her (It puts the lotion on it's body!). I was laughing out loud to myself like a nut. I like This is Us, Mayans, Outlander,. But I am absolutely addicted to Game of Thrones! I read all the books and I love the show. I'm a Game of Thrones expert. Lol That show is the only time I completely put my son out of my mind!!
This discussion has been closed.