Dealing with depressed loved one

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  • @Vicbrenan Hey there. Thank you for reaching out. Dating can certainly be tricky, and sometimes it's just not easy to know how to proceed forward with someone. I think everyone comes with at least a little bit of baggage or woundedness. But of course some more than others, and some have taken time to do the work or work things out in therapy so that their past won't necessarily affect their present so much.

    I say you get to pick and choose your battles, and it really depends on what you want in a partnership. Are you going to be able to hold that space for him when he's trying to increase his self-worth? Are you going to be willing to do your own work while he does his? I don't have a lot of great answers regarding relationships, and I do think that couples counseling is very valuable. That's definitely something to think about in the future.

    I can say that I have dealt with depression and lack of self-worth and in those moments I need my partner to be strong and not take it on or take it personal. A partner that can hold space and still mirror someone's high worth can be helpful rather than abandoning someone or getting angry because they're struggling. Compassion means a lot.

    It sounds like he's trying to work on himself and come to a greater appreciation of god and himself. I think willingness to learn and grow is so valuable whether you're single or in a relationship. I hope this help somehow!
  • I certainly am a very compassionate and loving person. I definitely am strong enough to help him through that journey if he wishes. I have never gotten angry and I’ve never said anything negative to him. I do believe he needs to end things with this other woman, but that is because I know that women who are overtly religious to the point of waiting for marriage generally are not very forgiving with infidelity.

    I also value therapy and counselling. I think it’s too early to suggest that. He goes to counselling on his own and I did tell him in my email yesterday that I believed he needs a partner who is willing to do that and work with him through those things.

    He has always been honest with me about his problems so I like to think that has some value that he trusts me somewhat? He said that only time will tell if I’m not going to abandon him though. Initially I took the stance that I shouldn’t be pushy and I should back off and let him come to me, but I’m starting to think the lack of self worth on his part will make hay hard. And perhaps inn ed to be the one to take the lead?

    I also strongly encourage him to continue with faith, but I’m not the perfect Christian either since I slept with him before marriage lol
  • time will tell, but if ya'll can be honest and open with each other, this can help. as far as who takes the lead... have a conversation, shoot for both of you being able to feel comfortable with whatever roles you choose. think about your boundaries...and well, try not to overthink all this too.... :)
  • I wish I had some good answers for you, @Vicbrenan. Unfortunately, I don't. Being in a relationship with someone who struggles with depression, self-doubt, and self-hate can be maddening. You've established some boundaries, and that's a good thing. I guess you'll just have to see what he chooses to do now.

    Sorry. I wish I had better advice. But I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
  • I appreciate all of your replies!!!

    I believe I said my piece and he responded the way he did. I have been clear with what I want and my boundaries. So I’ve just kept my chatting with him light and positive for now.

    I think it’s important to have serious discussions but I can’t really be all doom and gloom otherwise he’s not going to see me for the person I am. And I am taking the fact that he was honest with me as a value (in his own messed way) to how he feels.
  • Well he hasn’t contacted me so I’m assuming he is not choosing me :(

    I emailed a couple times but said I would give him space. I guess actions speak louder then words. I don’t know how long to wait but I did give him a pretty harsh opinion about needing to choose between healing etc and lying to this other woman who he can’t even be honest with. I told him that path won’t help him heal or improve his growth.

    He probably hates me at this point lol
  • @Vicbrenan,
    First of all, hello. It is wonderful of you to share with all of us. I don't know if you have thought of this angle yet, but your posts help many of us whether we think we are in similar shoes or not. Sometimes it opens a viewpoint, maybe finds us actually relating to some of your emotions, perhaps even prepares us for a situation we may face in the future. Therefore, thank you for helping as you seek help.

    I think you have received wonderful advice here so I will not reiterate. What I do want to say is that I think you did the right thing in speaking your mind about his deceitfulness in his relationship with this other woman. I don't know about you, but personally the thing that crushes me the most in any relationship whether it be with my son, spouse, friends, coworkers, or employer, is dishonesty, deceit. To me it is disrespectful and although I understand the fear and shame that motivates it, it still slams my heart. Besides, the bible clearly instructs us to speak the truth in love. I'm not sure if you have any church time under your belt, but your friend does. Now I'm not saying throw the bible at him and be snarky. I'm simply letting you know that he is in a moral battle and I feel what you said is completely acceptable. I mean, he is honest with you and you respect him for that and in turn feel respected. Solid ground to begin and nurture a relationship.

    If you are interested....There are hundreds of times the bible refers to the significance of truthfulness. Two that immediately came to mind are Ephesians 4:15 when Paul says.....Speak the truth in love (meaning because we love and value someone, we need to be honest). Another is the famous John 8:2...the truth will set you free (here Christ was referring to having faith in him, but this has become a cornerstone even in the world of academia for its significance in any area of life).

    For the record, I am not a religious zealot. I just happen to have been raised in Christian Private Schools . I love all people of all faiths and respect every person for the choices they make. After all, I like to be free to make my own.

    Good luck to you. I hope your heart finds something to sing about today.
  • @Vicbrenan i am glad that you were able to speak YOUR truth... b/c what you want and need matters in a relationship..... and i agree that heading into a relationship with someone who is practicing deceit.... doesn't build the kind of firm foundation a relationship needs to you know, make it .... bear fruit..whatever you want to call it.

    i hope you'll be able to let him go..and heal and move on with your life. and know that we are here to encourage and support you anytime.
  • @RaisingCain thank you! I am religious but I believe that I have a very good understanding of love and promote that.

    I actually did write him a very religion driven email this morning. I pointed out that he follows god and at some point has prayed to heal and prayed for someone to accept him. I told him that he was provided this person (myself) as well as my children who adore and love the happiness and child like spirit that does exist in him. I reiterated to him that following god is not only obeying the rules, but it the way we live our life and treat others. I told him downright that leading on this other woman was deceitful and he is only going to destroy her peace and possibly his reputation. As well he is in turn not being truthful with himself and will not heal. He will continue to live in discord and not be at peace.

    I do care about him. At his point now though he needs to be the one to accept what god has provided and truly make the effort to improve.

    Maybe my email was a little harsh? I don’t know. You are right, he was honest with me and I value that. He was honest with me when I met him too though about his depression and struggle with being faithful. And I accept that and welcomed honesty. I’m not sure if his honest means he respects and cares for me more then the other relationship?
  • @Vicbrenan,
    It sounds like you are a solid strong person and parent. Good for you. You have set your standards and boundaries right off the starting block. That's impressive.
    People enter our lives as we enter theirs for reasons we may never understand, but each encounter and interaction good or bad, joyful or painful, means something and has its purpose. The best you can do is continue living your purpose driven life and see if his presence remains or not. Either way, try to be thankful for whatever happens. It's so much better than brooding over things. I know...easier said than done. Listen, I have my own mess. I have to remind myself every day of all the positives and not dwell on negatives. I'm not saying ignore significant details; we surely have to recognize things for what they are. However, I'm an optimist. I truly look for the good in everyone and everything even if I can't see it now, I trust that the benefit will reveal itself some day. And if disappointing things happen or people hurt me,(intentionally or not) it is easier to forgive when I have this philosophy. That didn't make a lot of sense, but I think you get the gist. In my opinion life is so much better if you expect it to be!

    Try to be patient as he processes what you have said to him. People can't always take truth like candy. It tends to come a little more like a lemon. After the pucker goes away, they tend to accept the flavor and even come back for more;-). I have had my share of pucker experiences, after all. Lol!

    Hang in there.
  • Thank you so much @RaisingCain that really means a lot to me! This situation does hurt, but as you say, I can only be patient. Hopefully he will see that my harsh truths are there out of love and not hate. A couple of my friends seem to think he will come back, but I was pretty harsh so I don’t know about that. If he does though, it will be his loss I guess
  • @Vicbrenan... This is something that is out of your control. I think being patient and seeing how everything plays out is your best bet. I'm glad you were able to express your thoughts to him, too. It's good that you got that out there.

    Sending you big hugs.
  • Thank you @DeanD and everyone else. I miss him and it’s always hard letting someone go.
  • You're very welcome, @Vicbrenan. We are here for you anytime you need us.
  • Honestly I’m pretty sure he hates me
  • @Vicbrenan he may, he may not. people who hate are incredibly wounded...in large amounts of pain... but that is just my opinion.

    i hope you can let it go, and not let what he may or may not think affect you.

    you are a good soul....lovable...and have a lot to offer.......... remember that.
  • @Vicbrenan I agree with @dominica that hate and anger are typically a defense mechanism...especially for people with depression, anxiety and other mental health issues. It's a lengthy explanation that our son's therapist and a rehab sponsor have told us.

    I am sorry that you are missing him. Please don't change your routine, put off working toward goals, and sit in misery and wait for him. Keep on living. You never know what God has in store for you, but it will be hard to find out if you hideaway. Be the tough chick that raises those kids and holds down a job! You will be ok no matter what! You've got this!
  • @Vicbrenan i agree with @RaisingCain ... you can do this... commit to an inner healing and empowerment journey... lean on the faith that resonates with you... (not sure your faith background...) but leaning on higher power can be helpful.

    and know that we are always here!
  • You guys are awesome! I am so thankful to have you to listen. I do hope and pray he is ok and getting the help he needs. I know it’s beyond my control whether what his next actions are.

    Outwardly choosing to remain with the other woman was he easy way out because he’s not owning up to anything or being confronted with the change he needs to make for himself. Internally it will eat him alive and he will prob end up with no one meaningful.
  • Thinking of you today, @Vicbrenan. Hope you have a good Monday and a great week!
  • Well he texted me tonight, asked if I wanted to hang out but I have the kids and he didn’t give me enough notice.
  • @Vicbrenan but i thought ya'll had ended things... be careful allowing him back in... i just want YOU to be happy (and not be used whenever he feels like coming around).....

  • I did end things. But I just reiterated my standards. He’d have to have a serious turn around in his attitude towards a relationship so I doubt he’s back in my life in that aspect.
  • @Vicbrenan... I'm with @dominica on this one. Be careful. And remember that YOUR life and happiness should always be the number one priority.
  • I completely agree with you guys :) I’m definitely not making any compromises. Even if I did “date” him it would require a lot of effort and therapy on his part. And at this point he still hasn’t been honest or broken it off with the other girl, he said he tried to break it off and she was crying and refused to leave his house. I have no idea if it’s true or not.

    At this point I am only offering friendship and I’ve given him some pretty harsh opinions and suggestions lol
  • Glad to hear we're all on the same page, @Vicbrenan. :)
  • The unfortunate part is that he does have good qualities, and one of them is being a good friend and listening :( I don’t share a lot of my past or trauma with many people but he is one I can. So I don’t know if I can genuinely let him go totally.
  • Well we had a pretty good run of great communication and he really appeared to be making a great effort at the boyfriend thing. And between him having trouble finding a vehicle to buy and his foster kids giving him a really hard time (ie: smashing things etc) he has backed off a bit again. I don’t really take him blocking me or stepping back as abandoning me and I don’t take it personally. I think it’s his way of coping when things get really overwhelming.

    I’m not entirely sure what to do, but I just emailed him and told him I hoped the rest of the week went better and I felt he should just be able to tell me when he needed space because it doesn’t upset me. I asked him before how I can support him when he is upset or down and he just said to keep doing what I’m doing and show him love and tell him I think he’s a good guy even when he is calling himself a piece of shit.
  • @Vicbrenan Hey there. I know that there are plenty of people who when life gets really challenging they kind of withdrawal and try to deal with their emotions themselves. I'm glad that you're not taking it personal.

    Perhaps just let him know what you want and need from him when this kind of thing happens. Even if it's simply him calling you or sending you a message saying, "hey I'm struggling with some things right now and I just need a little bit of space to process and get through this."

    This holds him accountable for communicating to you instead of just vanishing with no reason. I would not accept that from my partner. I would want at least a request for some time and space to sort things out I think that is respectful. But that's just my opinion. I know life can get messy and I know my own need for space when I'm struggling with something. But I also feel that communicating this to a partner is a mature and responsible part of being in a relationship.
  • 100% agreed with you. And I think when he does start talking again that will be a valid thing to discuss when he’s in a better mind set.
  • @Vicbrenan... I think you handled things great. And the advice @dominica gave you is spot on, too.

    Sending you lots of love and light today!
  • Thank you both. I can’t imagine the feelings behind what drives someone with that type of mental illness so I’m sometimes just trying to do what I think might be the right thing. It’s nice to
    have the positive support though
  • Well he unblocked me, part of the reason for the blocking is the other chick. He remains stating he’s confused so he will spend time with me and act boyfriend like, and then ends up spending time with her and turns around and blocks me.

    I asked him not to block me, that he could just tell me or put my notifications on silent.


    He said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with her, but he thinks I am only interested now because he is dating her and he thinks I’ll leave him. He said he doesn’t like living a lie.

    I dunno, there’s definitely a more intimate and physical connection between him and I. The other woman he sees mostly out in public.

    I did tell him I didn’t plan on abandoning him. And that I thought we had a lot of good things to offer each other. I know I can’t really force him to pick me over her. Or vice versa. I dunno if it’s just time or what, his whole relationship with that woman has been a total lie because he can’t be himself or be truthful with her.

    I really think he needs to end it with her though. I saw him last night and was chatty this morning but maybe I should ignore him for a bit? I’m not sure. I know those tactics don’t always work with men with depression.
  • @Vicbrenan I was reading your post and first off I would like to commend you on the fact you seem to be a strong sensible woman. But I am going to give you a completely different take on your situation. You only know WHAT HE IS TELLING YOU. You really have no way of knowing if everything you are being told regarding this other woman is even the truth. He might be totally into her but she could be giving him a hard time about who knows what. For whatever reason he can't seem to make a decision. He obviously has some type of connection with this other woman. Maybe he likes to have his cake and eat it too. Or maybe he is the kind of man who HAS to have SOMEONE and is very needy. I think that because of the comment he made that you will probably leave him. So basically he doesn't want to give up having SOMEONE. He is afraid of having NOONE. And it doesn't seem like he is strong enough to make a decision. He is keeping you on a hook, just in case. I have seen this same thing with friends of mine and dated someone like him shortly after my divorce years ago. And it wasn't much fun, so I just had to move on so I could date someone who it wasn't like some kind of weird guessing game. And it was the best thing I could have done. There are too many guys out there to have to deal with all of that. Good luck with whatever comes from this. You deserve a good, healthy, and normal relationship.
  • I agree. He keeps bringing it up and getting into a discussion about it. And then saying he has an array of emotions going on and doesn’t know what to do. I’ve never bad mouthed the other woman or been negative, I did tell him that he is not having a healthy relationship with her and that it says a lot about who he trusts more if he is able to be vulnerable with me and not her.

    I’m not sure when exactly he met her. I know they didn’t date until after we met because I was hanging out quite a bit with him and his family and then that stopped in August. So I don’t think it is something that’s been going on for a long time. He said she is very religious etc so I am guessing that’s the appeal, he thinks religion is going to save him but is failing to understand that just being with someone religious isn’t enough. He can be celibate with her but if he’s just sleeping with someone else it doesn’t count. Lol

    He said the reason he is with her now is because she asked for things to be official and I didn’t. I do believe this because he does have a lot of mental health stuff and abandonment issues.

    Anyways I think I’m done if he can’t break things off with her. Enough is enough I guess and if he doesn’t want a truthful, honest relationship then that’s his prerogative?

    Unfortunate though because I do have some level of love for him, but I guess you can’t make someone love you back. I won’t abandon him totally, I offered to help sell his dads car and be involved if he needs help. But he needs to step up and do What’s right and if he can’t then whatever
  • @Vicbrenan Hey there. I know you're hurting and that really does suck. I do not think this man has integrity or very much respect for himself or women. I know you say you have love for him, but I do hope that you can let him go. Take some time to work on yourself, to know that you are a powerful woman that deserves respect and a man who can walk with integrity,, honesty, and at least has most of his s*** together.

    See, I used to feel much of what you're feeling. attracting the unavailable, not being able to let go even when relationship was toxic, etc. i learned through therapy that i was entering relationships not based on what i wanted, but based on what i learned as a child through experiences, what i heard, witnessed, and made up about love.... i attracted what i believed about myself and about love...which for me, i believed the only way i would get love is by caretaking, people pleasing, sweeping things under the carpet, not knowing how to set boundaries, not even knowing I WAS ALLOWED to set boundaries.... all a product of my subconscious mental and emotional programming.

    so until i began to deal with that...the root causes, i would just keep attracting the same type of relationship...just different faces. until i began recognizing the pattern (in me) and changing MY beliefs, i was up for the same ole' same ole' dysfunctional, toxic kind of relationship. and for me, it took me staying single for a while to work on ME.... with a therapist, a lot of self-help books/videos, and support groups.

    that's my experience. i do hope this helps you somehow.... rooting for YOU!


  • @Vicbrenan... I've said many times in this forum that I'm no expert on relationships. I'm a 57-year-old guy who's been married for just a hair under 30 years, so it's been forever since I've been involved in any dating, boyfriend-girlfriend situation. But I will say this: The relationship you describe sounds exhausting and toxic. I know you love him, but you should love yourself more. Continuing to put yourself through the things you've been going through is something you don't deserve. You deserve a relationship where you are loved and appreciated as much as you love and appreciate your partner. For your sake, I hope you can move on and find that.
  • Your both right. There is no doubt about that. I’m just going to let him on his way with this other person. He is the one who’s going to miss out on someone amazing and end up alone.
  • It’s hard not talking to him. I haven’t contacted him all week and he hasn’t contacted me. I’m guessing he probably won’t. It still makes me sad though
  • I know it's hard, @Vicbrenan. But you're doing what you have to do. Sending you hugs.
  • @Vicbrenan I'm sure it is sad.... and that does stink..but dean is right in saying that you're doing what is best for you.... i hope it gets easier every day. focus on nurturing you...and try to have faith that the right person is out there and you'll connect when the time is right
  • Of course he started texting me again
  • @Vicbrenan that is not surprising.... how do you feel about that?
  • @Vicbrenan... You can always block his number. Just a thought.
  • I dunno, not ready to block him yet. I feel indifferent in some ways and I miss him in others. If he didn’t talk to me ever again I’d be ok with it. But I also am ok with talking now. I’m standing my ground with my expectations though and I don’t care what he thinks about that. He did end things with the other woman but that isn’t really enough. I’m still talking to other men and not really engaging in relationship type stuff with him now other then what I expect in a partner.
  • @Vicbrenan sounds like you're playing the field... taking things slowly... great that you're standing your ground!
  • Yep. I’m done playing around so if he wants in he has to do it my way now and I have made that quite clear a number of times to him. If he cares enough he’ll do it. If he can’t then whatever.
  • Glad you're done playing around, @Vicbrenan. You have every right to set whatever boundaries you want to. Proud of you for sticking up for yourself!
  • I don’t know why I am even still talking to him to be honest. I have never been the type to stick around and play games. I’ve ended countless relationships for far less trouble. I know this all probably seems totally ridiculous, I’m not desperate, I’ve got like 5 other guys who I know who would jump at the chance to take me on a date, so it’s no a shortage of men or confidence. Is he lucky? Am I stupid?
  • @Vicbrenan... I think the answer is that you're human. :)
  • Thank you @DeanD

    Well he asked me to come help him get his new truck yesterday and told him he was looking forward to me being there for his big day. And then he came with his foster kids and helped me for the rest of the evening move my stuff because I just bought a house. I haven’t seen the kids in over a month because of the back and forth stuff with this other woman and he didn’t want to be setting a bad example to them
  • @Vicbrenan maybe you're just not ready for a firm commitment... so you choose the unavailable, flaky guy??? just a thought....
  • I feel pretty ready lol... ive got everything in my life in order and I’m happy with everything. I think all the unhealthy male-kid relationships I’ve dealt with in my life are what’s drawing me to him, because through all his faults with commitment he is extremely kind and loving to children and I’ve had near an impossible time finding a man like that.
  • @Vicbrenan... It was nice that he helped you move some stuff. And nice of you to go with him to get his new truck, too. :)
  • Thanks for listening to my back and forth story ha ha ha

    He appears to be available and willing whenever I ask him for help at least. And I have a lot to do
  • That's good, @Vicbrenan. Maybe just keep things platonic for now and see what happens.
  • @Vicbrenan We're always here to listen :)
  • Well I guess it depends on my mood haha as to how much effort I put in. He helped quite a bit and then ended up with a 4th boy at his house and has been having trouble with them so he’s been busy with that. I’m not doing any back and forth game crap so if I feel the slightest hint of backing off on his part I’m just ceasing any 1st contact lol
  • Yep haha... I haven’t figured out if he purposely is annoying with contact or if it truly is that he’s busy. The 4 boys he has now are all developmentally challenged in some way so they are a handful. He definitely does have highs and lows emotionally though. Like one day he will be super happy and excited about a lot of things and then the next quiet and seemed stressed

    I’m not upset or anything. He will contact me eventually. I’m kid free this weekend and probably alone for the most part. It is kind of crappy having mostly married friends :( I do feel a bit frustrated at lack of dates with other people too. I talk to a lot of people but no one seems to actually want to meet up lol
  • @Vicbrenan the dating world can be tricky...and odd...and awkward. haha. but it can be exciting too. i hope you do have a good weekend.
  • I’m done with the excitement of dating lol. It’s boring and unfulfilling. I’ve been doing it for years. I think it’s so funny/odd being successful, relatively good looking and as supportive and kind as I am. And still have near impossibility of finding someone. My standards are high and I turn down people regularly that red flags pop up. (Well except this guy lol) and since I’ve started having this high of standards I just don’t get any dates. And then people get upset when I say I don’t get asked or because of the kids, I’m not saying it to be negative, it’s just the truth that most men aren’t interested or willing to accept another mans kids.
  • @Vicbrenan true that it can be challenging..... for sure. you're definitely not alone on that...
  • Yep ha ha... I’m not sure what we’re navigating now but we’ve been spending some time
    Together, he introduced me to his dad and step mom. We spent the day together. I guess either he has friend zoned me or he’s trying to start over in a sense lol
  • Take it slow and see where it goes, @Vicbrenan.
  • When we met originally several months ago he wanted a Christian based relationship and no sex until after marriage. And then things seemed to go off the rails a bit. So I’m getting the sense that he is trying that approach again, we haven’t been intimate in over a month and he has been really into doing stuff during the day and out and about, we prayed together and stuff. It’s been nice. So who knows. He knows I’m looking for a committed and serious relationship.
  • So I did gently ask what the intentions were since we spend a lot of time together and have history.

    He told me he has been overwhelmed and thinks of me as his best friend that he cherishes the most. And right now he want friendship. He wasn’t opposed to a relationship later. But I think considering what’s all happened it may be a good approach. We both have made bad choices in a relationship and ultimately a lasting relationship should be built with a good solid friendship anyway.

    On the flip side, he has commitment issues and the self hate monster of depression, sexual abuse trauma etc... so I’m wondering if the “friend” status is a less intimidating way for him to connect with me without the pressure of sex. Because he originally told me he wanted to wait until marriage. And he said he feels safe with me.

    He’s continued being good to me. Out texting style has evolved to a more relaxed and informal style, he’s continued to offer support for my move and has helped a lot. He stayed over on Saturday, did some laundry while I was at work and asked if he could unpack or do anything else, he texted me before my shift was over and asked what he could order to have delivered for when I got home (I don’t have a fridge or stove in my house yet) and he spooned and cuddled me all night (to me this isn’t really a friend thing though, spooning in your underwear is pretty intimate). But he did not initiate or push sex. He has a key to my house too now. And he asked when he would get to see the kids again because he misses them

    Other then the whole bs situation in the summer he has never lied or been mean about anything to me. He is continually supportive of my job stuff and wanting to take other courses, tells me how proud he is that I work hard and have my own house and stuff, he never makes anything my fault or implies it is. He’s told me how amazing he thinks I am before and I should make sure I keep high standards. He is good with celebrating our religion tomorrow.

    I feel like there is a lot of investment happening on his end now?
  • @Vicbrenan Hey there. Thank you for the update. I'm glad that you're both communicating with each other about your expectations and needs. I think if you're fine being friends with him, then things should progress nicely. I wouldn't get your expectations up if you want more than that. It's tough to know exactly how it will progress whether it's a friendship or it deepens into something more. It's one of those risks I guess that you have to take when you're dating or meeting new people.

    I'm glad that he's treating you well and that he seems to be supportive. You deserve that! I hope that he can get the help that he needs to work on his issues. He deserves that!
  • Happy to hear that things are going well, @Vicbrenan. Taking things slow seems like a very good approach.
  • I’m not really convinced he wants to be friends @dominica but I understand what you mean. I really don’t know any friends who behave the way we do. I think labelling us as friends and moving slow is how he is feeling safe and not overwhelmed. I also think it’s a good way to avoid the pressure of sex because he is really trying to stay celibate right now and work on his habits etc. He told me before we slept together in the summer that he felt like marriage would be the only way he’s feel safe with sex in terms of the meaning within the relationship. So I’m proud of him for taking that on.

    We had a nice lunch together today and an elderly couple complimented us on praying together. They really seemed to love us. I don’t usually pay attention to way other people say or think but they really seemed to take joy in listening to us talk (mainly about poop, fixing his pants and labour and babies lol). I felt like it was a really sweet and kind sign from an outsiders view that something good is happening between us.
  • Well, the moment we all knew was coming. Back to being blocked/ghosted haha...

    I’m really kind of annoyed/mad at the delivery and timing. For the record we have not had sex in over 2 months. He slept over, but just spooned me. Asked me when he would be able to see the kids again because he missed them. We were going on dates.

    Flash forward to Thursday when he texts me and asks if he can drop by to have a visit with the kids. So he does, kids love him, haven’t seen him for a couple months because I was trying to be careful. He leaves and we text throughout the evening and it’s all good. And then all of a sudden he blocks me again.

    I fail to make any sense in my head why he made such a big deal about the kids if he is just fucking around. He knows better than anyone about abandonment issues.

    So I’m guessing either hanging out with my kids sparked a lot of overwhelming emotion for him, or he’s ditched me for another chick. Again, I can’t understand that considering he saw my kids on his own accord and then 2 days later I’m blocked??! The only reason I even can fathom an emotional spark is because he has always told me how much he wants his own child and he loves being around my kids etc because they make him feel good.

    WTF... is this a normal behaviour for someone with depression/abandonment? It seems bi-polar to me.
  • From the symptoms I have read it does sound like he is more bipolar, the increased sex drive and europhiatic moods etc and crashes into self hate.
  • I'm sorry that happened, @Vicbrenan. It doesn't make much sense. I think maybe it's time to just take a break; and maybe think about moving on. Just my two cents.
  • I know. I’m just angry that he would do that to my kids. He works with troubled kids and knows how detrimental it is. It’s not like I was the one who suggested or pushed him to spend time with them, complete opposite in fact.
  • @Vicbrenan There's nothing normal about his behavior. I would be upset as well and that would be the deal-breaker for me. Your kids and you deserve way better than that. Whether he has a mental illness or not, it's definitely not all right. I hope you cut ties with this man once and for all. If and when he reaches out again, don't respond. That's just my two cents ;)

    Stand up for yourself and watch how the universe will stand up for you.
  • I am in total agreement. Not ok! So far he hasn’t been online on any type of social media since Sunday. So that does kind of concern me from a different point of view. I would at least like to know he’s safe. I am sure his ghosting is ill intentioned and he is fine though
  • Well it didn’t last long and I did tell him 100% I didn’t accept him not telling me. He said he was having a very rough time and when he gets like that he will just snap and shut everything off and not talk to anyone. Which is fine if you need a few days of space, but I told him it’s not acceptable because I worry and we are trying to work on building each other’s trust.
  • @Vicbrenan I agree that it's not acceptable. I'm pretty sure I would not be eager to pursue a relationship with someone who continually used that as a coping mechanism. I hope that you had a good weekend.
  • @dominica I completely agree with you. I said my piece pretty directly to him about it so he’ll have a chance to meet that expectation and show he’s listened to my need. He was here all weekend
  • @Vicbrenan thinking of you this morning!! hope you have a good weekend!
  • Working all weekend lol! He does appear to have listened and has been talking about a lot of things. He suggested we match up our weekends without kids together. He had a couple days of a lot of stress and actually talked to me about it and the concerns he has. He is still worried about being left, and worried he will hurt me. But he said as time goes on he will trust me more.... so baby steps I guess?
  • Baby steps are perfectly acceptable, @Vicbrenan. :)
  • He got some help with his kids last night and invited me out to watch him play hockey. So that was nice, I even got a goodnight kiss which is kind of a step in the right direction. He’s kind of always held back on that sort of physical affection because it’s a couple thing. He can be so sweet sometimes, I’m trying to not put any pressure or big expectations on him because I know from our discussions that he knows what it means to be a good partner and I feel like it’s his responsibility to behave in that manner without prompting. As I make sure I threat him the way I feel is a good partner/friend. Over the week he talked about about how this one ex made him feel etc and how he wasn’t able to fall in love with her until they had been good friends for awhile and once he trusted her he fell very deeply in love. And he does say encouraging things. I’m happy he is becoming more comfortable with me.
  • Sounds like you had a nice time last night, @Vicbrenan. I'm happy to hear that. :)
  • @Vicbrenan I'm glad to hear that he's becoming more comfortable with you and that you're feeling good about this. I bet it was fun to watch him play hockey!
  • Lol well he kind of had some issues last night. He seems confused about where his feelings are. He said he likes me a lot, cares about me deeply but just isn’t in love with me yet. He said he loves my kids and to him they are the next best thing to his own. This all got me a little anxious to be honest. I ended up telling him unless he becomes ready to commit then I won’t sleep with him and he can’t see them. And today he said he is worried about being fired because he called the cops on one of the kids this past Friday. It had to be don
  • Well another interesting week haha... he spent some time at his parents cottage and I had to work so I didn’t see him until today. He is becoming more open with feelings which is good. Telling me he misses me etc. I’ve told him a number of times I believe if he feels he should be treating me better then it is his responsibility to do so. I think with anyone who has depression enforcing expectations just pushes them away. I’m still expressing my desires but I think I’ve found less invasive ways to do so which is probably what’s going to build the trust. He expressed a sexual hurdle that he’s had issues with and we had been able to kind of work through that. And he’s kind of been a lot more giving with PDA’s which is a big step to me. He’s downright refused any sort of PDA up until now.

    So who knows
  • @Vicbrenan Hey there. Thank you for the update. I'm glad that you feel that he's made some progress and that you're getting some of what you want and need in this relationship. Sounds like you're doing pretty well! I hope that things continue to progress well for both of you individually and together. I know depression can take a toll ind. and together, but sounds like you both are understanding of this, and working with it.
  • Thank you @dominica I am still kind of going with this all with caution. I think I will know when it’s time to stop. Things between us when we are together are very good and he is never mean or negative towards us. So I’m not in any kind of hardship other then trying to be patient with the commitment stuff now I guess. And his reasoning is the same as anyone, but probably magnified because of the depression and he said himself he needs things to move incredibly slow so he builds the trust.

    It’s an interesting journey and I’m learning a lot to say the least.
  • And I also found out I have an ACL injury so knee surgery in the future!!!!
  • @Vicbrenan... Oh, no! I'm so sorry to hear about your knee!!! :'(
    Sending healing vibes your way!
  • @DeanD Thank you!!! I am sure I'll live lol
  • @Vicbrenan always learning, aren't we? :)

    yeah, sorry about knee surgery.... but i do hope it will allow you no pain in the future!
  • I work in a hospital and I love Orthopedic stuff so I’d probably try and convince my surgeon to let me watch lmao .... my 8 year old son causes me more grief then this guy does but I don’t know if there’s a place here to talk about those problems
  • @dominica Thank you for asking! Well, things are ok. I really do hate the uncertainty of things with this guy. I care about him a lot, and im not necessarily ready to quit anything yet. He seems to have a pattern of being incredibly chatty and open via text/phone and then kind of withdrawing, I guess learning his normal may help though. He has had a very stressful month with the kids and other things, so I can understand kind of how that would all have been a lot. He did tell me on Monday that he was really struggling over the weekend with things. He had had a plan for saving up to buy his dads house and having 4 foster kids was going to help with that. And now he is having to go back down to 2 foster kids so I think he is having to re-think his plan and I feel bad for him because he was really excited about it. On top of that the kids were really difficult to deal with.

    He has been remaining to be very helpful though and has been spending time with me on the days im home through the daytime, I make us lunch or we go out for lunch and stuff, he helps with stuff. Its hard to do things in the evening because we both have the kids so the daytime is kind of our time. And I told him I wanted to hold off on letting the kids get too attached until he was more sure of his feelings. So now he is saying the same thing about the foster boys... lol... which I mean, come on, I have put up with his bs and been a huge support for 5 months now, I don't know how much more stable you can get. The one thing that keeps getting brought up is his fear of being left. He told me relationships terrify him because of that. And I know they can be scary for all of us, so I don't know if he is bullshitting or he actually does have a fear that big about it. I am happy for the time I am spending with him though, I'll give things a bit more time to build and just not press any relationship stuff for now.
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