My husband is relapsing on meth

I have been married to my husband for six months and I have known him for two and A half years. He had been clean for eight months and then relapsed two weeks ago. Now he went to his moms house since Sunday and I believe he is using again because his words trail off when he talks and the calls frequency get dropped and he said he hasn’t been sleeping and he is lying a lot and he said if I saw him I would think he is high even though he claims he isn’t. He also is accusing me of cheating which I’m not. These are all of the things he does when he is high so I know he signs. If I had one look at him I would know. This time he went to his moms house because he was mad I told him to get out of my car on Sunday because he was calling me stupid over and over over a dumb fight. I told him to apologize and he refused. Anyway he left all of his hinges at our apartment and I don’t have the money to change the locks but once I do by the weekend I will. I told him I already changed the locks because I was scared and didn’t want him coming home to get high while our dog is there and I’m at work. I temporarily blocked him today because of all his constant accusations of me cheating when he is the one who actually heated on me at he beginning of our relationship and finally admitted it two weeks ago after lying to me for two years. I honestly thought he would stay sober this time and I feel like he uses any excuse to use and I feel helpless. Though I love him I told him I will not tolerate drugs and I won’t be with him if he uses. What else can or should I do in the meantime? I don’t tell my friends or family about this because they would be so ashamed.
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  • @Jersey2316... Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing with us. I'm sorry that your husband has relapsed with meth, and I'm sorry that I didn't see your post until now. But I'm glad you found us and reached out.

    I want you to know that you are 100% correct in telling your husband that you will not tolerate drugs. That's a perfectly acceptable boundary for you to put into place. And I'm proud of you for doing it.

    One of the best things that Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach us about a loved one's addiction is this: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Those words aren't always easy to accept, but that doesn't make them any less true. It doesn't matter how much YOU want your husband to change; if he doesn't want to change, it's not going to happen. So what you need to do is concentrate on the one person you CAN control: YOU.

    Self-care is incredibly important for someone who loves a person who struggles with addiction. If you don't focus on you and work on being the best person you can be--physically and emotionally--there's a good chance you will become addicted to your husband's addiction. And if that happens, the disease will take both of you down.

    So please take care of yourself. If you haven't gone to support group meetings, consider doing so. There's a lot of help and comfort to be found amongst others who know exactly what you're going through and feeling. I think therapy would be a great thing for you, too. When my son was in the throes of addiction, my therapist saved my life. Talking about my situation and feelings was sooooo therapeutic.

    I also would encourage you to share your situation with your family and friends. If not all of them, at least the ones you're closest to. Addiction is a disease, not a moral failing. Your husband isn't a bad person; he's a sick person. And you shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassment about it. Is there still a stigma associates with addiction? Yes. But the more we talk about it and share our stories, the more we do to normalize addiction...and that's a good thing. Not to mention the fact that the support your family and friends will give you--and I know they'll be supportive--can be so valuable. You don't have to go through this alone, my dear.

    Lastly, there are some great books out there that I think could help you. One in particular is called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Can Help People Change. It's written specifically for partners and parents of people struggling with addiction and it's full of super helpful information; both on how to deal with the addict in your life and how to take care of yourself while you're doing it. You can read a little more about that book and others in this blog I wrote a while back:

    6 Essential Books for Those with an Addicted Loved One

    (By the way, the Beyond Addiction book has a companion workbook that you can access online for free. It's called The 20 Minute Guide and you can find it at the link below. It will give you a good idea of what the Beyond Addiction book is all about.

    https://the20minuteguide.com

    Loving someone who struggles with addiction is one of the greatest challenges a human being can be faced with. I just want you to know that YOUR life matters, too. In fact, it matters most of all. So please be kind to yourself, okay? And know that we are here for you. If you need help, support, or just a place to vent, you can come here anytime. We truly care.

    I'm sending you a ton of positive energy, love, light, and hope. And big virtual hugs, too. I apologize again for not seeing your post earlier. I hope you are doing alright today. <3
  • I couldn’t figure out how to find my original post but I was just googling the same topic and was thankful I found my post again and that you answered. I will definitely get the book you mentioned. I think I will wait on telling my family because even though I’m not embarrassed my family is very judgmental. Anyway, things were better last week and he was sober until Saturday he woke me up at 5am to go grocery shopping because he was coming off of his high and I got pissed because I had a headache and only four hours of sleep and so he left my house again and relapsed again and then last Sunday night he came home and said Monday (5 days ago) he would find a rehab. Well that didn’t happen and i haven’t seen him since Monday and he has texted and called and emailed a few times but I haven’t heard from him at all today. Last night his phone stopped working and he is claiming that I have hacked his computer and phone which he always accuses me of doing on meth. Just last Friday I had to take my computer to get fixed since he disabled the WiFi from it while high. On Sunday he said the batch he got was very strong and it’s not like him to completely disappear. He is 41 and I’m 35 and he has been staying at his enabling mothers house even though I told her he is using. She promised me she wouldn’t never let him stay there during our marriage during fights since he did that all of the time at the beginning of our relationship and it was so destructive and made me lose so much trust but once again she is disrespecting me and letting him stay. He will never hit rock bottom if she gives him a place to use!!! She is even in the Nar anon classes and she thinks this is ok!!! I think she is only doing it because she wants to piss me off since she doesn’t want anyone taking her son away from her. Her husband (my husbands step dad) doesn’t want him there but yet he is there. This week he kept saying he met a friend online and is going to Wyoming for awhile and when I asked what he meant he would t tell me. I know I can’t control or cure his addiction and I know I have to let go. But I’m so scared!!! I don’t want him to cheat on me since he’s been watching porn and said I’m in the videos and cheating which I’m not which makes me know he’s watching it again, and he also said he is using needles now and has Hep C but I don’t know if he is just lying. I miss him and when he is sober he is ok. He does have a brain injury which I think makes it so he has anger and emotional issues and doesn’t know how to deal with stress but we were planning a wedding and a life together and now I feel like I don’t know if he will ever come back. His phone is completely dead or he has changed his number and even though he called me from his moms house last night I missed it because I was brushing my teeth and didn’t know it was that phone so now I have no way of getting a hold of him eBays every time I call her house no one answers and she hates me so that doesn’t help. I feel lost and neglected and alone. I did a few sessions of Nar anon last year but they didn’t help. I felt like it was a lot of people including me just crying and complaining about Geri situation instead of doing something about it. Technically he has been harassing me and there is a protection order in place where he can’t harass me from an incident last year so if I call the police and he goes to jail he could sober up enough to go to rehab. Should I do that???
  • Hi @Jersey2316 my thoughts on your question regarding getting him thrown in jail is “no” if it’s just to force him into sobriety. He has to want to quit for recovery to truly begin and stick with it.
    On a separate note,
    Do you feel threatened and unsafe? If yes than definitely call the police!
    Jail is a horrible place for any person... treated worse than dogs, and usually full of drugs that he could acquire.
    Getting Counselling I find extremely helpful myself instead of any Anon programs.
    Sending you positivity today!
  • Last night I deactivated an old Facebook account to see if he was in there since I still haven’t heard from him since Thursday and sure enough he used an alias and was adding a bunch of girls who were half naked and looked like prostitutes and porn stars since they had links in their pictures to very bad stuff. I added him as a friend and he accepted it then sure enough I saw his picture too and I messaged him on there and how asked how he could do that to me if he loved me and since we are married and of course he took his picture down and I have gotten no response. I cried my eyes out last night and I’m assuming he’s cheating and never going to call. I’m going to go to church tomorrow and get involved with a bible study to just move on. But how do you get closure when they haven’t sent you divorce papers and you still love them but I’m no way want this. I keep wondering if he will call or email today or never again. It’s giving me panic attacks and I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack. I ran out of free mental health sessions last year and I can’t afford any therapy at the moment since I’m left with paying all the bills. He always said no one would love me like him but if he loves me why won’t he come home at least and stop adding random girls on Facebook? I have no idea where he is or what he’s doing. I have never been so hurt in my life.
  • I'm sorry to hear about this, @Jersey2316. You have every right to be hurt. Perhaps moving on is the best thing for you to do at this point. Your physical and mental well-being are so important. And this relationship is definitely taking a toll on you. Do what's best for YOU. Period.
  • @Jersey2316 hi there. so sorry you're going through this!! you definitely do not deserve this.

    i know it's hard...heartbreaking to be sure. try to get yourself some support via counseling or a support group (and here too!).... it does sound like it might be time to move on .... take care of YOU! it may be challenging, but necessary...

    he is in "self-destruct" mode... and unfortunately, no one can do anything to get him to get the help he may need. i hope he gets to a point where he will reach out for help soon... but don't put your life on hold..or put all your faith in that.

    and, know that we are here for you...anytime.
  • How are things going today, @Jersey2316? Thinking of you.
  • Not good. So last night he texted me and asked if he could come over and I said only if he was sober and didn’t bring drugs over. Well then his phone died and I didn’t honk he was coming over and hen at 11:30 pm right before I went to bed I heard the door knock. I let him in and he looked like he lost a lot of weight since I saw him last. I could tell he was still high and he said that I wanted him to come over but I told him I didn’t unless he was sober. He seemed very irritable and he showered and I asked him where he had been and he kept saying a guys house he used to work with from forever ago. I asked what he did at the guys house and he said they just hung out. I asked what the guys last name was and he started yelling at me telling me to shut up. Then like it was no big deal he tried to sleep with me and I pushed him off and told him I didn’t feel like that after he left for a week, got high all week, and I didn’t feel close and he wasn’t trying to make amends or apologize at all and he didn’t seem remorseful in the east. Well he got pissed that I didn’t want to sleep with him so he asked for his keys but I had put him in his car unlocked so he would at least stay the night and I told him I would tell them where they were in the morning which was probably stupid because he just got pissed and took my shoes and left and called me from a gas station and left a voicemail saying in the morning he would report his car stolen. But his car is literally in our apartment complex parking lot unlocked with his keys in the front seat. I know I shouldn’t have done that but he gives me so much anxiety and I feel so helpless all the time. I haven’t heard from him yet and I just want to know if I did the right thing by not sleeping with him when I didn’t feel in the mood to after everything that has been going on. Was he justified to get mad? I start to doubt myself and lose confidence in my decisions. I’m trying really hard to set boundaries but I don’t know what to do. I have no idea where he stayed last night and he could have been at his dealers house or his so called friends house who I’ve never heard of or his moms but I desperately don’t want him to cheat. I feel so lost. I just want advice on if I did the right thing and what to do from here on out. I told him last night I would drive him to an outpatient clinic today and he got mad and said he would find his own rehab. Do I let him live there with me to give him support? Do I sleep with him? What do I do??!
  • Oh and the worst part is his last voicemail he left from the gas station last night he told me a girl was going to give him a ride home. I don’t know if he is serious. But I just got the voicemail just now and I literally feel physically sick. I have no idea who the girl is and if he was telling the truth or if he cheated on me. I feel sick.
  • @Jersey2316... Have you by chance gotten a copy of that Beyond Addiction book I recommended to you in an earlier comment? I think it would really help you sort some things out. Also, seeing a therapist or going to a support group meeting would be a good idea. And for what it's worth, I think you did the right thing by not sleeping with him. That's not something anyone should feel obligated to do, IMO.
  • When I get money I will buy the book and get a therapist. My schedule won’t really allow though since i work mom-fri 8-6. And now being stuck with all of the bills by myself is a huge burden. That’s why I went in here temporarily until I can afford more help. I’m trying to just take it day by day. He can be nice in one second and then calling me a whore who is cheating on him the next. I can’t prove to someone I never cheated. If he thinks it which he always does there is nothing I can say or do to make him go k otherwise which is hard. He is the one who cheated on me at the beginning and maybe it’s the guilt of that so he assumes I would do the same but I never would. Anyway just trying to take care of myself. Need to work out today which relieves stress since I haven’t done that in two weeks
  • Understood, @Jersey2316. Don't forget, there's a companion workbook for the Beyond Addiction book that you can access online for free. It's called The 20 Minute Guide and you can find it at the link below. It will give you a good idea of what the Beyond Addiction book is all about.

    https://the20minuteguide.com

    There's a great section on self-care there. And videos, too. You might want to check it out.

    Hope you have a good workout!
  • I did look at the 20 min guide and I would like the book because I do need to know what to say and what not to say to him to push him further into his addiction. That’s the problem right now. His mom promised when we got married she wouldn’t let him stay the night there ever so we could work through our problems if we had a fight but she is doing the opposite and disrespecting our marriage. So really I’m fighting him and her. When I tell him he can only come over sober I don’t know if that’s pushes him farther too because obviously I don’t want to kick him or but his mom gives him a place to get high and not pay bills. I’m so lost. Maybe tonight I will go to Barnes and noble and just try to find it and read it there. I’m a fast reader and might finish it in three hours. It’s at book stores? And if you have any advice on what I should do or not do when it comes to him too that would be greatly appreciated. Obviously what I’m doing is not working. The other night I told him he either can choose meth or me and he came over high when I told him not to come over high. Ahh I could scream it’s so frustrating
  • @Jersey2316... Yes, the book should be in bookstores. It's complete title is Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change, by Jeffrey Foote and Carrie Wilkens.
  • Ok I didn’t have time to look last night but I did read the sample of it online I think it was the first chapter ebook. So far so good. Told me not to give him ultimatums. He told me on his own he would go to an outpatient today and that he would come home last night at 6:30 but of course then he said he was sick and he was throwing rocks at my window st 2 in the morning. And of course I didn’t answer. I told him if he wants to come over it has to be before 10. Before I go to sleep. Anyway even if I don’t give him ultimatums he is still adding random girls on Facebook that are linked to porn sites so I have reported all the inappropriate pictures and profiles to Facebook and Facebook is taking down each profile one by one. I told him today though that if he doesn’t delete these random girls who are naked and actually fake profiles he will lose me and he said he will continue to add them and won’t be told what to do. It’s hard not to give an ultimatum when he’s disrespecting me and our marriage. He claims I have cheated when I haven’t. If I have even an hour tonight or tomorrow I will read rest of book
  • Hi @Jersey2316 Not sure how I missed your post, but welcome! I just caught up and I am so sorry you're having to go through this. The most important thing I've learned on my 5 year journey of the relapse and recovery circle with my husband is that I have NO CONTROL over him or his choices, only over my choices and my life. I highly recommend Nar-Anon, I started going about 6 weeks ago and it made a huge difference in my life and in my sanity!! I'm going to post links to two of my favorite posts on this forum (yes, they are mine.... but I really think you would benefit from reading them) You have found the right place for support.... continue to post and update as often as you feel like it. This site has been a saving grace for me.

    https://www.recovery.org/forums/discussion/11282/things-ive-learned-about-addiction-from-my-experience-my-opinions-only

    https://www.recovery.org/forums/discussion/11307/roller-coaster-rides-living-with-an-addict
  • Where did Drained1 user go? I just read her response and her two posts and they are helpful and when I read her story it reminded me so much of mine because my husband also was rear ended last year and knocked out which worsened his brain injury he already had and his addiction. I know I have to get off the roller coaster as well and in a way I’m in a much better place than I was two years ago with him when I lived with his mom temporarily for fourth months with him and would almost side with him if he thought people were hacking his accounts and I would drive with him to Apple store after apple store. By now two year later I have my own place and he has been gone for 12 days now at his moms house because she is a negative advocate which I learned in reading a book about high conflict personalities which I figured out my husband was. I don’t know if he will ever stop his addiction because the way he deals with conflict is name calling abuse of running away to his enabling 70 year old mothers house. This time I’m not getting on the roller coaster. Though it’s sad and I don’t want to give up on my marriage I also know driving over to his mothers house will solve nothing even though she promised me when we got married she wouldn’t intervene and would send him back home after 15 minutes she has lied about that since she’s had him there 12 days and knows full well about his addiction. The last time I talked to him last night he laughed and asked me if it was ok to date one of my friends if I was ever stranded on an island. This is the meth talking and he doesn’t know any of my friends and when I asked if he loved me he said no and he said he didn’t believe that we were actually married . How Dad what a mess but I have to take care of myself. I don’t know how long he will use, last year it was one month but 2 years ago it was nine months. This could stop tomorrow or never and I can’t sit around waiting
  • Hi @Jersey2316 I'm still here ;)

    It's such a hard situation to be in. It's really really hard. I am limited on time but I wanted you to know I am here and will be back in touch as soon as I get free this afternoon.
  • So I have finished half of he book beyond addiction and though it is helpful in saying don’t yell or argue or give ultimatums I’m at a loss for what to do when it comes to applying things such as complimenting him for things he is doing right because he has literally been living at his moms and/or his car the last three weeks and not with me so I have no way to even interact with him on any kind of basis (I don’t see him). I feel like I am in a different situation than most people because I haven’t heard or met anyone whose addicted spouse who is an adult and not living with them but their mom instead. It’s awful. I have only seen him for 20 minutes three times in the last three weeks. Every time he says he’s coming to my house he never shows up and I don’t hear from him til the next day. I know I can’t force him to live with me but I don’t know what to do when it comes to his mom. She is very mean and the other day emailed me and said he hadn’t been there and wasn’t living with her and that I need to find my husband and yet he called me from her house just yesterday so I emailed her to say I don’t appreciate being lied to and she told me to leave her alone! She flips and flops and contradicts herself constantly and I just don’t trust her at all. Any advice for my particular situation? Also I found at last week that his probation officer said he has missed many UAs and that they will start doing low risk sanctions where he does worksheets then high risk ones where he gets a GPS and home incarceration. But I feel like his probation officer is way too lenient! I feel at a loss and with no support in every direction.
  • @Jersey2316 Hey there. I'm sorry that you're struggling and I'm sure it is more challenging because he's not living with you. I think perhaps right now if you can take the parts of that book that encourage you to practice self-care take care of yourself, you're more apt to have more peace... And perhaps learning as much as you can about setting and keeping boundaries too. It's tempting to enable him by letting him come over whenever he feels like it, but that really won't help him out or yourself.

    Are you able to attend a support group meeting? Perhaps Al-Anon or Nar-Anon? I think that you could get some good support there, as well as a sponsor who you can call on when you are needing some insight and advice. Of course, we are here as well but sometimes that face-to-face support quite valuable.

    i hope he will reach out for help soon... meanwhile, maybe try to focus on you and your life... (not becoming obsessed or addicted to his life).... and keep reaching out for support as you need.
  • I agree with @dominica, @Jersey2316. Look for a meeting in your area and give it a shot. Nar-Anon, Al-Anon, and SMART Recovery Family & Friends are all fabulous support groups. And read the parts of Beyond Addiction that deal with self-care. That's probably the most important thing you can do right now: Take good care of YOURSELF. Especially with him living away from you. You should use this time to focus on YOU, so you can be as good as you can be, both physically and mentally. Not everything in the book will apply to your situation, because everyone's predicament is different. So take what is helpful and leave the rest.
  • So I don’t know how I’m even able to function right now but he came over last night promised he would only get his car from his drug dealer tomorrow snd that I could take him to outpatient today. Well instead we talked about what he had been doing the last four weeks while not living with me and he said he never cheated but admitted to watching porn the last two days. I was so upset because he does that when he uses and I told him I wouldn’t be able to be married to someone who does that and that I consider it cheating and he kind of apologized but not genuinely and I asked if he could not have a smart phone anymore out of respect for me since he has already cheated in the past and every time he relapsed he watches porn and messages girls on websites and this time I think he was even talking to prostitutes. He said no and I said he chooses the smart phone instead of flip phone or being married to me and he said he chose the phone. I was upset and angry and sad and told him I was done and to leave. Then he started videotaping our fight and stood by wall instead of leaving and so I picked up my phone and videotaped too and it was awful because I didn’t have any clothes on. Anyway he kept lying and manipulating and saying he couldn’t leave because I wouldn’t let him when I was 20 feet away from him and demanding he leave. Finally he left almost let my dog go loose through the front door and then must have called the cops because I checked the jail this morning and he was an inmate for violating a protection order. Supposedly he wasn’t supposed to have contact with me but it had been modified to just no harassment in May but it wasn’t in their system. I find out in an hour if he will plead guilty or not and the victim advocate said an investigator will most likely call me to ask questions since he called the police. He of course was high last night and when I had called twice last week they did nothing. Now there is no contact again so we just had a protection order removed just for him to get one again today!!! They are allowing a $1000 cash bond and I’m sure his drug dealer or Mom will get him out. I pray that the judge sentences him to rehab but once again knot in stomach and out of my control. Had to vent because I have no one but I will go to Nar anon again on Thursday just to vent and have support. I feel like I’m actually going insane and that I will just lose it from heartache and betrayal. It’s so hard but I guess it’s always darkest before the light.
  • @Jersey2316... That sounds like a mess. I'm sorry he ended up in jail, but maybe he needs to suffer some consequences from his actions to help him figure things out. I don't think anyone would blame you if you chose to walk away from this relationship. I know I wouldn't. You deserve so much better, my dear.

    You can always vent here. And I'm glad to hear you're going to go to Nar-Anon again on Thursday. I will pray that your husband gets sentenced to treatment. I'm wondering if that's something you may be able to suggest to the court? You may want to look into that. Just a thought.

    Sending you big hugs full of hope. Remember: You can't control your husband's actions/behavior. You can only control YOU.
  • So most likely he won’t go to trial because protection order wasn’t in place Which is totally fine but he hasn’t contacted me since Monday night and when I texted him today he hasn’t responded so it just sucks to have to go through his drug addiction put up with everything he has put me through and then in the end he just does no contact I feel like it’s to punish me or something because I stood up to him and said I didn’t like that he was watching porn. I feel very disrespected and betrayed
  • I totally understand how you feel, @Jersey2316. And you are entitled to all the feelings you're feeling, too. I think you have some tough decisions to make.

    Sending you love and strength.
  • @Jersey2316 Hey there. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with all this. It really does sound like a mess and I'm sure it's quite disheartening. Who knows all the reasons why he is ignoring you, but I do think it's for your best interest to cut your losses and do the best you can at getting on with your life without him. You do deserve someone who respects you and can offer you a healthy relationship. Not perfect, but healthy. Continue to work on yourself and if need be visit a support group to get some encouragement and support during this time. And of course, we're always here.
  • Hi @Jersey2316 sorry you are going through this and I know how difficult it can be dealing with Addicts, meth definitely top worse. I feel for you and I feel I may know somewhat what you are feeling having gone through some similar situations. Also sorry that not only have you had to deal with your husband’s erratic & drug induced behaviour but also his mother definitely sounds like she is unstable and best you don’t speak to either of them.

    Apologies in advance for the extended version of a response, I just thought it may help you if i shared some of my struggles with a meth addict and how I have been learning to put myself first.

    Addiction is a difficult condition to contend with and even more difficult when the substance affects our loved ones in such a dramatic way that it changes everything we once loved to a monster. I dated a guy who used meth regularly. I’ve never had someone treat me so badly before nor had to deal with such irratic mood swings, insults & accusations and porn addiction... I removed myself from his life for about 4 months and got caught up with him again in January. He started IV’n it and that was when he became even more unhinged. I was going to end contact with him but that day he was arrested and was locked up for 3 months. I answered his calls every day and was his intermediary for his lawyer, landlord, sister... it was exhausting yet I didn’t want to just ignore him when he didn’t have many people in his life, especially responsible and wanting to help. He was clean and usually so respectful and kind and when I went for a visit he looked at me with such love and gratitude.

    He was released and I picked him up. Shortly into our drive he starts criticizing my driving, then says he’s hungry but won’t say what he wants... we get back to his place and after a few hours, no more recovery, he’s mean and treats me horribly again.
    I won’t go much more into my story as I posted it on another thread back when it was going on. I tried giving our “friendship” a few more tries because I needed to know that I did my best. He brings up things from the past (most that aren’t even true, just his paranoia that he’s convinced himself to be true) and then he won’t ever be honest.. always changing his story based on his mood or random fake memory at that moment.

    The last time I saw him was about a month ago. He was making derogatory accusations and being mean. I told him that I would not do this anymore. He said to not come back which I told him I wasn’t going to. He didn’t think I meant it because I had gone back so many times before. His probation officer called a few weeks ago so I unblocked him to let him know. Later he called and I had forgot to block him so I answered. He picked a fight when I told him I wouldn’t have him help me move as I won’t introduce him to my dad. I had told him all along we aren’t a couple and so he used that to try and change my mind. He said he would just say he’s my friend. I’ve tried explaining (and yes I understand he feels insulted however I’m not going to lie to him nor am I overthinking) until he got clean & stayed clean there was no meeting my family or friends. He thinks I’m being pretentious and think I’m better than him... he can think that and it won’t change what I expected & needed from him. I told him I don’t feel inspired to see him anymore because every time we see each other I end up miserable and he is really mean. He tried saying it’s my fault he gets like that which I told him he needs to take responsibility for his behaviour and temper and regardless what his reason it is not acceptable to be abusive. He hung up on me and I re-blocked his number.

    I am proud of myself yet some days are quite tough. He is back in jail and what started as a call every few days has now become 3-4+ a day. I blocked the jail number back when he first was released as I decided if it happened again I was not going to be his suppprt this time. Since I have visual voicemail his calls get filtered into a “blocked” tab so i know when he calls yet never hear it ring.
    I gave too much and recognize now how a large part of my relationship with him was an unhealthy codependent dynamic. I still get calls from the lawyer & landlord and I simply say I haven’t spoken to him lately. I no longer am allowing myself to listen to the Guilty voices because I know the guilt is simply a feeling that I learned as a child when I was not perfect in my mother’s eyes (Always) & my unhealthy compulsion to take care of others was also forming these feelings of guilt with him.
    He is an adult and has resources which he can get help for whatever he needs. I know I need to enforce strong boundaries with him and I truly hope he takes the steps he needs to better his life.

    Maybe it’s good Your hubby didn’t answer as don’t TPOs work both ways, neither of you are to contact each other?
    I know being married is a bit different than just dating and friends so I don’t pretend to know all of what you are feeling or going through. I just wanted to show my support and let you know you are not alone. We are here for you and please reach out even if only to vent you are amazing and you will be ok. You will heal and live a happy life again’
  • Hey, @Jersey2316... How are you today? Check in with us if you get a chance, okay? We're here and we care about you. <3
  • Hi again. Thanks for the support and responses. I felt like I was drowning and have had no energy to do anything the past few days. I did go to a NA meeting last Thursday which sort of helped but then I was triggered with anger and anxiety when one of the people there was enabling her son(reminded me of my husbands mom). Anyway he did contact me on Sunday he had his mom call me to say he is sick (addicted) and going to get better for me and us. Well that was short lived because really I believe he just wants to get his ID and car title which I gave to him last night under the agreement he would pawn car and lawn items to give me gas money since I have been very broke with being stuck paying all the bills myself the past five weeks. Well sure enough he never sold his car to his dealer and supposedly the dealer never gave him money last night which I’m sure it was because he gave him drugs instead. I’m so over it. I had to return dog food this morning to get to work. His mom still puts gas money in his car. Don’t know how or why he is still getting high when he is on UAs. I wish he would just get in trouble because he is wrecking me emotionally. And financially. Anyway he told me the reason he got arrested last week is they bought the PO was in place and he told police I attacked him when I didn’t. So I asked him to go recant his story because I’m sure they will try to contact me. He did this once before where he scratched his face and told police I did it and I got arrested but then they dismissed it because he admitted to doing it. I am a teacher and trying to start nursing school in January and he will ruin me if he doesn’t recant this. So many times the last two months he has either spit in my face or grabbed my face or hair or pushed me out of the way and I never called police. Because he made me promise we both never would again. Well he is only out for himself and doesn’t keep promises. And he has scratched his face and even held and knife to his stomach and said he would hurt himself and say I did it. He even threatened to kill me when I was sleeping once but since I don’t have it voice recorded I have no proof and there is no point going to police because without proof they can’t do anything. I am so scared police will call me he said they knocked on my door that night but I was asleep and never heard them and I believe my voicemail was full so got no messages. Any advice would be appreciated. I really don’t want to go through this yet again. He was supposed to sell his car to save to get me a ring and we were supposed to have a wedding and buy a house but instead he got back on drugs. The worst part is he told me the other night he can’t be sober and. Be with me basically blaming me for his addiction!!! I told him in no way at all is it my fault but it still hurts he said that. I will probably go to Na meeting tomorrow night because I get paid. But any support still appreciated. And blue orchid it sounds like you have been through the same thing as me! Thanks for the support
  • Another question I had was I am half way through the beyond addiction book and it says not to have communication or a conversation about your feelings with the addict when they are under the influence. But with meth he has been on it literallly 5 or 6 weeks now and he gets high every day and even if he stops a day or too he is still high those days because it stays in your system so long. And it is true that he is emotion less and has no empathy and really no real feeling son get drug and the few times we fought it was because he was being so insensitive with his words and actions but now I realize that I shouldn’t have expected any different since he was high.
  • @Jersey2316... None of this is your fault. Remember: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Period.
  • So he got clean the day after I posted but then relapsed again Oct 19 by going missing and I filed a missing persons. Anyway, he got arrested for theft last week and he has violated probation by quitting his job and not doing UAs so he may get arrested again. My question is I’m trying not to be enabling so I changed my locks so he won’t come in the day when I’m working because last week he stole my social security card and passport for a day so I don’t trust him and he got high here because I was dizzy when I came home and I don’t want my dog having to breathe that in. He also overdosed last Wednesday so I called 911 and he detoxed it more like slept at the hospital for six hours then I let him shower and sleep here just for him to relapse again the next day and he did that again since Sunday. Just tonight he knocked on the door and said he needed to shower. He looked high and I was dumb enough to let him on the condition he stays and doesn’t use again. Well he was too mean and annoying constantly saying dumb things that I realized after 30 minutes I just couldn’t even let him stay at my house at all until he is sober. So from now on I’ve decided that if he wants a shower he has to be sober. Is that what other people do and have found to be a good boundary?
  • @Jersey2316 Hey there! I have had so much going on in my own world with my husband that I haven't been keeping up with much on this forum other than my own updates. I am going to have to give you some "tough love" advice and I know from personal experience that it is easy to give the advice but so much harder to take the advice and run with it. You are going to have to separate yourself completely from him. He is using you because he knows which buttons to press with you and knows how to play on your emotions. I'm saying this from experience. It took me completely shutting off my husband to be able to see just how much he was using and manipulating me. They know we love them and they know we are good people that cannot turn our backs on them... we are their "safety nets".

    Please read my latest update.... I'll paste the link below. I have seen the extent that the people we love that struggle with addiction will go to take advantage of those that love them and that want them to be better. Had I not stuck to my boundaries and had I not been able to take the steps I did I would be in a far worse place in MY life right now with him. I never thought I would have to do the things I have had to do since July, and let me tell you it STILL hurts. But all of the lies, secrets, deceit, manipulation and denial has become crystal clear to me since I have been away from him and his emotional games.

    He is going to continue to take advantage of you, steal from you, lie to you and put you in positions that you do not need or want to be in because of HIS actions and choices and you are not going to have peace in your life. There will always be stress and chaos surrounding you as long as he is an active part of your life. I've had NO contact with my husband since early August other than a court hearing for a TPO in September. But HE continued to violate the TPO ever since it was signed in early August. I ..... caring about his well being .... did not report his violation. And, he KNEW I wouldn't so he continued. He continued all of the way up until October 10th. That was the date of the last email I received from him. (you'll read all this in my last post so I won't go into all of the full details, but if you read it you will understand WHY I am giving you this advice so PLEASE read it!!) Since that last email my life has been calm and free of his chaos. I won't lie, I still have days when I WANT to hear from him just to know he is ok... but I am learning to heal from all of this. It takes so much time on a daily basis to do so, but I am telling you that YOUR LIFE will not be the best it can be with all of that going on around you 24/7. You are most likely consumed with worry, wondering what or how he is doing or if he is ok.

    Please take a few moments to read the post below. I'm here if you need anything, I totally get where you are. And, my husband struggled with a meth addiction in his late teens/early 20's then turned to pills after being clean for a while from meth. Two weeks before I made him leave my home his actions changed drastically. He ended up confessing to me and others he had been mixing pills & meth. The link below is a brief update of everything that has happened. If you want to read more, let me know and I'll send you links to other posts that go into more detail. Also, there are wonderful comments too with great advice and suggestions. xoxo

    https://www.recovery.org/forums/discussion/11656/i-have-been-shaken#latest
  • @Jersey2316 I think that is a legitimate boundary that he be sober if he needs to shower. But you can also set the boundary of not having him there at all and changing the locks. It's whatever you're comfortable with and what you want and need in your life. If you can't trust him, then you simply can't trust him. And the reality is that he needs to suffer some negative consequences for his actions. Because if he doesn't, he won't have much motivation to make any changes in his life. And sometimes those negative consequences do need to be harsh for someone to seriously consider changing or reaching out for help.

    I'm sorry that you're going through this and I do hope that he can come to terms with his addiction and reach out for help. I know that you care about him and this is an unfortunate situation. Please take care of yourself!
  • @Jersey2316... I'm sorry to hear about the roller coaster ride you've obviously been on with your husband. I think @Drained1 has given you some incredible insight and advice. And of course insisting that your husband be sober in order to do certain things is a perfectly acceptable boundary.

    @dominica is right, too: You have to allow your husband to suffer the natural negative consequences that come as a result of his addiction.

    At this point, I'm thinking the best thing that could happen to your husband is to get arrested again. It might help him see the light.

    Sending you lots of love and hope. Please, please, please take good care of YOU.
  • Oh my gosh I am having such a hard time. I have stuck to my boundary of him not being there if he’s high but he has taken everything to a whole new level and I feel like throwing up. Last night police called me sayinf my husband called police saying I was harassing him when really he doesn’t have a working phone and it was the other way around and Hebrew is harassing me. He called me from a gas station just two hours prior sayinf I cheated when I didn’t. Then the police told me that his mom is pissed I emailed her and that’s she’s going to try and get a restraining order on me when all I said was for her to stop enabling my husband because she has been letting him stay with her the last three night while he’s getting high there and calling me from the house phone yet I can’t return calls because she has me blocked from the house phone and has for months. But my email was true and accurate. I’m sick of her feeding off of his drama and it makes me feel like I’m losing my mind and physically sick. There is obviously no warrant for his arrest because they did not arrest him. He has probation today which was rescheduled because he missed it last Wednesday and his probation officer said he would have a warrant if he didn’t show and still get arrested if he shows for violating probation but I don’t believe it until I see it. And he’s claiming he is trying to get into treatment to avoid jail. I am doing fine with the boundaries I set but hearing about how is mom is behaving just triggers more anger and it’s just not something I can get over or deal with. She is literally the reason he is still using because she knows he’s high and lets him shower and stay there and eat there!!! How do I let go of this triangulation and drama from a 67 year old and my husband who is 41??!!! I am way younger and can’t handle this enabling codependent dysfunction. It’s literally causing me so much stress with cops calling me and threats of restraining orders when they are tre people who need help!!!! Your posts I can relate to 100pwrcent but it still doesn’t take away this sick feeling I have right now
  • @Jersey2316 I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. It does sound like it would be incredibly challenging to stay attached to such a toxic family. I'm glad that you're sticking to your boundaries. Perhaps you can set a boundary to not be in contact with his family at all. If they are enabling him, that's on them. You can't change that anyway.....If he's harassing you, then that is something you can report to the police and get a restraining order on him.

    I am sure that you're tired of the drama. I'm not sure or I can't remember if you attend any support group meetings like Al-Anon or nar-anon but it might help. I'm pretty sure that I would need some sort of support during this trying time, a therapist or support group or both. Because it's challenging in the moment not to let those emotions rise and flip out right? I get it......

    Know that you can come here and vent anytime. I wish there was something I could do, but I'm here listening.
  • @Jersey2316... Like @dominica, I'm sorry this is happening. I know it must be incredibly frustrating to have his mom enabling your husband and behaving the way she is, but remember: You can't control HER behavior. Or HIS behavior. The only person you CAN control is YOU. So stick to those boundaries. I also like Dominica's idea of just not contacting his family at all. And if he's harassing you, by all means report it. I think a support group meeting would be a good idea for you, too.

    We're here for you. If I had a magic wand, I'd send it your way. Just try to be as strong as you can. And know that you are not alone.
  • @Jersey2316 I agree with both @dominica & @DeanD I have had to back away from contacting my husband's family as well. His sister and I were best friends long before there was he and I, and I have especially had to back away from her b/c her actions/denial/blindness/enabling were all triggering anger in me as well. Once I cut off that contact it helped tremendously with my sanity and emotions. Keep all proof (text messages, screen shots of their phone calls, etc) and if they continue to harass you then YOU report them. The thing that was and still is the hardest thing for me to keep control of is my emotions and understanding that only I have control over that.... You have to take steps for your own sanity, peace, and emotions. It's exhausting staying stress and angry and worried all the time.
  • @Drained1 very good insight and advice!
  • Thanks for the advice and yes even today his mom called but didn’t leave a message and I didn’t bother calling to ask. He missed his probation yesterday and I asked if then the probabyion officer would issue a warrant finally and all he said was if he can’t grt a hold of him. How many chances does someone get? He called me five times from Walmart yesterday while I was working and from T-Mobile and when I answered the last call he didn’t say anything. Anyway don’t know what’s going on but you are all right I need to just focus on me because I am having nightmares. The nightmare is I fall off of a bridge and see if he tries to come after me to save me and I don’t think he did. Anyway my dreams have always earned me of the future since I was little and I read a lot into them because of that. In my dream he also looked horrible and people were yelling at him for being rude. Who knows. But I will try a support group again tonight I did go on Friday to the one at my church but sometimes I believe that even that doesn’t help because it’s just more people going through the same thing and everyone is just crying. Sometimes I truly believe the only answer is there is no answer. I either complain about it or leave him and move on with my life. But I do love him so I will have to choose though or I will lose my mind and waste my time and life is short
  • @Jersey2316 Regarding your dream, he can't save you because he can't even save himself. And I doubt that you need saved anyway. What you want and desire is a supportive partner who carries their own weight and does their own work.

    I always say love isn't enough to sustain a healthy relationship. There's a whole lot more to a relationship and marriage then love, as most divorcees still love each other. I agree that you should continue to focus on yourself. If you're at a meeting where you don't receive anything, then try a different meeting. Hopefully there's some people there who have some wisdom and experiences and hope to share.

    Whether he's around or whether he's not, my best advice is for you to lovingly detach from him and yes, focus on yourself 100%. In recovery they say you keep your side of the street clean and let him deal with his side. I know this is challenging because you do care for him, but you also care about yourself and rightly so.

    On with your life....holding your boundaries.
  • @Jersey2316 I am living proof that you can love someone with your whole entire heart and it not be enough..... Making that choice to walk away from the man that had my whole heart in the palm of his hand was the hardest decision i have EVER had to make in my life. But I sit here tonight telling you that it was also the best decision for MY life, MY future and MY sanity. It still hurts like hell..... But his choices have landed him in a lot of trouble and thankfully, because of the hard decisions and hard steps i took and stuck to, I am not getting drug down with him.

    You have to distance yourself so you can think and see clearly....away from the chaos and "fog" that they create.
  • @Jersey2316... I think you may be at the point where you have to make some tough choices. My favorite author, Anne Lamott, says: "A good marriage is where both people feel like they're getting the better end of the deal.” I've always loved that line. So, I ask you...Do YOU feel like you're getting the better end of the deal? If not, maybe it's time to do what's best for YOU. Because YOUR life matters, too.

    Sending you hope and hugs.
  • So I am trying to take care of myself but one thing I needed to post that is completely making me mad is his mom had the nerve to email me back today saying that she won’t have him living with them anymore (and I found out why she called yesterday it’s because she wanted me to pick him up though he was gone again but the time I emailed her) and that I’m her marriage she vowed to love her husband in sickness and health and for better or worse!!!! She also said that I don’t have a child so I don’t know what it’s like!! She basically was telling me that it’s ok for her to enable him because she’s his mom and that I’m a bad unsupportive wife! I called her out right away and told her that me setting boundaries and limits with my husband is healthy and needed and has no merit on my love for him or me being a good wife or not! How dare her! She said she will also stop trying to save our marriage by giving him the phone to call me from her house! I told her she was wrong again and that she actually never respected our marriage even when he was sober because she would let him stay their for days on end. She claimed the only reason she let him stay there sat and sun was because he promised to go to rehab on Monday which he didn’t do. I can’t stand her. But I let her know where I stand and stood up for myself. And told her never to call me a bad wife or someone who doesn’t understand because I don’t have a child. I told her even though I don’t have a child I know the difference between enabling and not
  • @Jersey2316 Good for you for standing up for yourself. I know sometimes the other people just don't understand, but it's alright to State your boundaries and your intentions. I imagine this is a challenging position to be in, and quite frustrating. But you're not new to this and you've learned some valuable lessons along the way.

    Continue to practice self-care, and nurture your own recovery regarding loving and supporting an addict in a healthy way. There's plenty of excellent resources which sounds like you've already been reading and tapping into.

    Try not to let things that she says hurt you or take it personal. Wounded people hurt others. Stand tall and continue with your life the best you can. What you want and need matters.....and you're worthy of respect....safety....unconditional love...and a partner who is doing all they can to show up in the relationship and on the planet in a good way.
  • So I’m just having nightmare after nightmare seeing my husband. I can’t help but regret that I didn’t let him stay here on Halloween when he came to shower but I kicked him out because he was high and I couldn’t handle it. If he would have slept I wouldn’t have cared as much. But people on meth don’t sleep until the 5th day they just harass and annoy and accuse. Anyway I also regret not picking him up from his moms Saturday when he asked if I was getting him since I told his mom I would in email. And I’m regretting not getting him Sunday and the fact I didn’t get to the phone in time on Monday. The last time I talked to him was for five second yesterday when he called from his moms screaming that my phone was connected to his but I found out last night he took the SIM card out of his phone and replaced it with my number because when I try to call his phone it goes to mine!!!!! Please help me forgive myself for not getting him. I desperately don’t want him to die or cheat or anything bad. I just want him here or in treatment. I have anxiety and OCD when things go wrong and I play them in my head over and over nonstop until something good happens. I’m trying to let go but I can’t and my dreams won’t let me.
  • @Jersey2316 I fully understand your emotions and the feeling of guilt that you are dealing with. I've been there so many times.... I'm STILL encountering moments of guilt for not taking my husband back... sometimes I think that if I had he would not be in the position that he is now, an innocent person would not have lost their life b/c of HIS actions.

    When I joined this community the one thing that EVERYONE kept reiterating to me was that I cannot control him, or his actions or his choices. He is the only one that can do that. It took SO long for me to really get it. But the more anxious I became, the more consumed with fear and worry and stress about him.... what he was doing, where he was at... I was spending 95% of MY life consumed with trying to keep up with him and make sure he was ok, I was going broke taking care of everything. I was literally DRAINED. I was a mess. I did this for 5 years.... and I looked back and saw that no matter what I had always done, no matter how many times I jumped in and "saved" him he still continued to make his own choices and do whatever he wanted to do and needed to do to continue using. Addicts are very good at playing on our hearts and our emotions, they know us and they know the right things to say and do to make us question ourself. Eventually, they WILL wear us down and we WILL give them what they want..... they know this. And, when we finally stay strong and stick to what we say and do... you know what... they find someone else that will do those things for them and they lash out at US b/c we didn't give them their way this time.

    You know in your gut what the right thing to do is. You should not feel bad about putting YOURSELF and your sanity and safety first. If you don't put yourself first nobody else will. It took me all these years to see that. If you did not read an older post by me, please check it out when you have a chance:

    https://www.recovery.org/forums/discussion/11282/things-ive-learned-about-addiction-from-my-experience-my-opinions-only#latest

  • @Jersey2316... As hard as it is, you have to do everything you can to relieve yourself of the guilt you're feeling. None of this is your fault. I know it's easy to think about the would'ves/could'ves/should'ves. I have done it myself countless times over the years with my son who struggles with addiction. But there's likely nothing you could've done that would've changed where your husband is right now. We like to THINK that we could've saved our loved one. But the fact of the matter is...we can't. The only thing that comes from the guilt we put on ourselves is more pain and suffering. That's why we have to try and let it go. We cannot be addicted to our loved one's addiction, because when that happens the disease will take us down, too.

    I know you said in an earlier post that the support group meeting you went to was just more people going through the same thing and that everyone was crying. But I believe that being around people who know exactly what you're going through and feeling is incredibly helpful if you give it some time. Knowing that you are not alone. Knowing that other people "get" your situation. That can be very uplifting and comforting. So maybe think about giving a meeting another chance. And if you went to a Nar-Anon meeting, maybe think about trying an Al-Anon meeting instead. My experience is that Al-Anon has a better vibe.

    I urge you to practice radical self-care. You have to take extremely good care of YOURSELF, because you are the only person you have complete control over. You have to do whatever is best for YOU.

    "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it."

    Sending love, hope, and hugs your way. Please do something nice for yourself today. You truly deserve it. <3
  • @Jersey2316 Hey there. I'm sorry that you're struggling so much. Feeling guilty can really drag you down. The others have given some excellent insight and advice. Letting go of feeling responsible for an addicted loved one can be so challenging… But it is also one of the most important things to learn if you want to be sane….mentally and emotionally. I know you want to be kind, b/c you are kind, but you must check in to see if it’s an enabling thing… You are doing this....just doesn't feel good to watch our loved ones sink....

    Maybe check out some Youtube videos on lovingly detaching...dealing with guilt...etc. might help for now.

    Of course, we are here to listen!
  • Well an hour ago he called me from no caller ID and it sounded loud in the background and he said he was trying to get into a recovery program and asked if we are connected I asked what he meant by that and he said he got his answer and hung up. It just makes no sense I asked him where he was he wouldn’t tell me how long he would be there and if he would have visitors and he didn’t tell me anything and it was such a slap in the face for him to say we weren’t connected because of the way I answered but I told him I loved him so I just don’t get it it’s hurting all over again
  • Well probably the last time I will post because the relationship is over. He just called me and said he wants a divorce. Though he’s probably high it’s still too much to take. After everything he has done to me then he says that. All the time and effort I put into the relationship it sucks. But then again he has broken up with me probably 200 times in n the last three years. Still sucks.
  • @Jersey2316 even if the relationship is over for good this time, you still need support and you are going to go through a variety of stages dealing with all you have been through. I encourage you to continue to reach out, whether it be here or counseling, NA or AA meeting groups. However, don't be surprised if this is not just a tactic of his to get you to come running back and to take him back. This is common, addicts will do or say whatever they think will work to shake us enough to get us to forget about our boundaries and ourselves altogether in order to get what they want... which is us to take them back. If they feel they can control our feelings they will use whatever works.
  • @Jersey2316... I'm sorry to hear this latest development, but I completely agree with @Drained1. No matter what happens with your relationship, you still need support. So I hope you don't leave us. But, of course, that decision is entirely yours. And whether you post here again or not, I wish nothing but the best for you. And I will say a prayer for you and your husband, too.

    Please don't ever forget that your life is the most important one. And that you should always be at the very top of your priority list.

    Sending you love, light, and hugs. <3
  • Well of course he called late last night left a message saying he loves me. Then just called me a little bit ago sayinf that he needs to take a step back because he needs to get healthy and that he thinks I’m cheating on him when I’m notZbut honestly he isn’t of sound mind so I shouldn’t take anything he says seriously but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I just walk around in a daze like it’s so bad it can’t even be real. The last three weekends have sucked. And now I have to get a second job just to make ends meet so I couldn’t go out and have fun if I wanted to. But church is nice. I’m just so depressed. I have no way of calling him because my number has been forwarded too many times but he can call me as he pleases which isn’t fair because every time I pick up I feel more depressed by what he says. I know people will say to change my number but I’d rather just go through the motions. I used to think life was so beautiful but drugs are so ugly and ruin so many things. I still know that someday I will be happy just don’t know when.
  • @Jersey2316 I read over some of your posts and am truly sorry for what you are going through. I have been down the same road you are on right now. I don't want to be harsh, but your husband is out of his mind! And sadly there is nothing you can do about it. You said you used to feel that life was so beautiful! It still is, just not for you at this point in time. And it probably never will be until you put HIM out of your life! Everything you are going through is awful and he is terribly abusive according to some of what you have said. Grabbing your face, grabbing your hair and asking you ridiculous questions. Stressing you out while he continues to use. Facebooking women and accusing you of cheating. All of these things are NOT acceptable behavior. I don't care what his issues are. He is completely out of line in every way. You say you love him, but I am asking you WHAT IS THERE TO LOVE???? Do you love being put through this. Do you love working your but off? Do you love being short on money? Do you love having your face grabbed? Is that what you want in a partner? You husband is deep into his addiction and is sadly playing you like a fiddle! He knows you will take anything he dishes out at you and is never going to change as long as he is allowed to behave the way he does and treat you like he does. You say you are a teacher. Is he the kind of person you would feel comfortable introducing to your coworkers? Or would you be embarrassed? You are obviously an intelligent woman and so much more deserving of a better life than your husband is able to give you. You must value yourself and decide you are deserving of good things and won't tolerate the shit being dished out to you. The drug he is using is one of the worst! I have dealt with addicts of all types of drugs and personally, I feel meth is the worst! You need to be careful around him when he is acting and saying things that are delusional. He could snap at any time. You need to trust me on this. Please take care of yourself. Maybe sit down and with two pieces of paper. On one piece, write down all the ways your husband affects you, hurts you, problems he causes in your life, and awful things he has done. On the other piece write down all the good things being in the relationship with him does for you. Most likely the first paper will be completely full and the second one will be close to blank! Each time you feel weak, look at what you wrote. You are getting NOTHING good by continuing to keep him in your life if that is what you are doing. Keep going to some meetings when you can. You deserve so much more!!!!
  • @Jersey2316... I say it an awful lot on this forum, but I'll say it again:

    YOU and YOUR happiness should always be at the very top of your priority list.
  • I have thought about it even before I read these replies this morning and he really isn’t giving me anything in this relationship at all except bad things right now. His mom was so rude and left an evil email again saying to leave her alone after she had just emailed me. He called me ten times from their house phone and I didn’t know if it was her or him so emailed asking why she was calling. Anyway six hours after her email sure enough she calls me and leaves a nasty voicemail telling me to pick up my husband because he won’t leave her driveway. I tried calling him but of course he screamed at me to %#!! Off so I hung up and emailed her saying if she wants him home that is her problem and should call the cops. Then later in the night he became delusional again and said he saw me buying drugs where he does and told me we aren’t married anymore. I can’t keep putting myself through this and so I’m just letting go. I’m trying to get involved with my church and I met a girl from my support group and we are going to get coffee which is nice. The only thing I question on my paper of things he does good and bad is that the good things obviously only happen when he is sober and there is no telling me when he will be sober again. When he is sober we have a very normal and happy life we go on walks with our dog camping hiking cooking dates, anyway, this forum only has beeen about his addiction. So I guess the reality is in this current moment he is not ok and treats me awfully so therefore I needs to move on. We don’t wait around for someone to get better I’m assuming even if they are our husband. That’s where it’s difficult because I don’t want to move on just for him to get clean. When he’s sober he says he never wants to lose me to meth but on meth he doesn’t think we are married. I feel very lonely which is the hard part that’s why I’m trying to stay busy with church and maybe get involved with some life groups so I have more positive things to focus on. Doing a little better every day. Haven’t seen him in person for almost two weeks. Wish me luck and thanks for the support!
  • Also sorry for my run on sentences I type with voice text and with my thumbs on phone so don’t pay attention to grammar and run ons! I just go as fast as I can in case anyone was wondering.
  • And the problem is that now that I have contacted his drug dealer to see if my husband is with him my husband thinks I’m cheating on him with the dealer when I’m not! And I’ve never even seen him! The only reason I text him is to ask where my husband is but I need to stop because the more I do the more my husband thinks I’m cheating. It’s such a vicious cycle that never stops same with the cycle with his mom
  • @Jersey2316 I'm sorry you are having to deal with this with your husband and his mother. Even though his mother is not being very nice with you I am guessing she is probably at a place where he is concerned, that she doesn't know what to do with him either. I have been on both ends. Was the wife of an addict, and now a mother of an addict. Looking at the dynamics of both situations, I have come to the conclusion it is so much harder when it is your child, whether he is a grown man or not. It is very difficult to turn your back on your own child, versus a husband. I would try not to take it too personal regarding his mother. She is probably as confused and without answers as to what to do about him also. I am glad you are going to involve yourself in church and that you have met a friend who will offer you some support. I know you probably had some good times with your husband when he wasn't using, but that is not the case now. It is a bit concerning that he is using to the point of being delusional. Meth is a terrible drug and you really need to stay away from him for your own sanity and wellbeing, both mentally and physically! The fact that he calls the police and that even his mother accuses you of harassing her is not good. I really feel you need a restraining order to show you are serious and that YOU are the one who is the true Victim in all of this. Of course it your decision, but I would file for divorce and never look back. Even if he were to get sober because of it, there is no guarantee he will stay sober and it will just start up again. The odds of him staying sober are low in my opinion. In leaving him you have everything to gain and nothing much to lose at this point, as he sounds like he is pretty out of his mind. I would stop contacting the dealer. These people are no good and can't be trusted. The only person the dealer cares about is himself and the money he is making selling the drugs. You need to remove yourself completely from all the people and the entire situation. Don't call him. Don't answer your husbands calls. Don't contact his mother. Just take care of yourself and move forward and get yourself out of the mess your husband has created as best you can. I know there will be times where you feel lonely and it is not a good feeling, but it is better than having to continue living the way you are. There will come a time when your life will be better and you won't be lonely. Keep reaching out at the church and with your friends. Go to a support group Naranon and meet others in the same situation. Perhaps you can make friends there and can support each other. Just know that if you keep moving forward for YOURSELF, things won't always be this way. I know it won't be easy, but you will get through it and be much happier with life in the long run. Keep posting and reaching out on the forum. Everyone is here to help support you. I hope you are having a good day.
  • Thanks yeah the more I separate from all three of these toxic people I will be better off. It’s hard because I want to explain myself to him but like you said there is no guarantee he will get sober or stay sober and trying to reason with someone who is unreasonable is insanity. The one thing I’m having a hard time dealing with today is the fact that I gave the dealer my husbands number two weeks ago so that my husband could give him the title to the car he sold his dealer. That was dumb because he just got drugs from him. But at the same time a week before this he found drugs elsewhere so I can’t blame myself. When someone wants to get high they will find a way to get high. It’s hard to forgive myself for that though.
  • @Jersey2316 Don't beat yourself up over the phone number. Your husband is going to get drugs no matter what. Believe me. And I know you would like to be able to explain things to your husband, but you might as well talk to a door knob. He isn't going to "get" anything you say. Everything your husband is doing and has done is completely unacceptable and at this point he doesn't even deserve an explanation. IF he ever gets clean, you can tell him how you feel. And even though you might think you would feel better letting him know how you feel and where you are coming from in all this, you won't get the reaction from him you are needing. He is incapable of understanding because all that matters to him right now is the drugs he is on. You really deserve a healthy relationship and better things in life than what he has given you. It is so much better being with someone who you can enjoy yourself with and trust and feel secure. Your husband is only going to drag you down with him if you let him. Take YOUR life back and know there are better things to come in your own future. I don't know if he is driving or not, but I would remove him from insurance if I were you and anything else you might be paying for him. When I left my ex he was involved in an accident and I was so thankful I didn't have him on my insurance and the car was in my name. But one day he came to the house when I was sleeping and took the car. I was fed up at that point, so I called the police and said he stole it. It was good I did, because about an hour after he hit another vehicle and because I reported it stolen I was not responsible in any way. So I don't know your situation in that regard, but do whatever needs done to protect YOU!
  • None of this is your fault, @Jersey2316. I'm glad you are staying busy with your church. And having coffee with someone from your support group is a good thing, too. Try to focus on YOU. You can't fix your husband. But you CAN take good care of yourself and work at being the best person YOU can be.

    Love and hugs.
  • @Jersey2316 You are right in that when someone wants to find drugs, come hell or high water they will find a way. So yeah don't take responsibility for that. It sounds like you're doing a pretty good job of taking care of yourself, and that makes me smile. I hope that you have a wonderful week!
  • Ok I backslided a little last night because I thought he was driving to inpatient rehab today so said he could come over if he doesn’t bring drugs or do drugs and his mom said he left her house until 5:45 and was in his way to my house and they only live 15 min away and he never showed up until 9:45pm. He looked high and said he had gotten high three hours earlier and he was beginning to accuse me of cheating again so I made him leave after ten minutes. What was hard is he kept saying he was going to divorce me because even though he loved me he couldn’t be with me because I was a liar and cheater which I’m not. His delusions made me physically sick. It was weird literally as soon as he stepped in my house I because extremely dizzy and sick feeling and I was drained and just couldn’t take it so made him leave. Now he has no charger for his phone and hasn’t called. And he tried knocking at 6:15 this Morning to let him in but I refused. Why do I keep backsliding? His mom keeps saying because I’m his wife I can get him medical help but I know for a fact I can’t because it’s his choice he’s over 18. I feel like I’m giving up I try to take care of myself but all I want is him sober!! Was I right to kick him out again? I think I was but it doesn’t feel right. And his mom gave him a full tank of gas because she thought he was driving to rehab! Omg I could scream. Just need to vent about this I guess and get reassurance that I’m doing everything right. Why was I dizzy? Was it because the meth was on his clothes? As soon as he left I wasn’t frizzy anymore!!
  • @Jersey2316 I'll post to you in about 25 minutes, but in the mean time, no you weren't dizzy from the smell of him. It was most likely from anxiety and I am guessing your blood pressure went up!
  • I really feel for you @Jersey2316 . I know you desperately want your husband to get clean. That is what we all want from our addicts. I think at this point you are so affected by his behavior it is making you physically sick. I know it's so hard to listen to someone who is plainly delusional. There is not much you can do unless he is a danger to himself or others, so your mother -in -law is incorrect that you can get him medical help. She gave him a tank of gas and he just used it to go get more drugs. You told him he could come over if he wasn't on drugs and it seems all he does is lie to you and deflect the situation by accusing you and blaming you instead. It really doesn't seem like your husband is ready or wanting to get clean. He is playing you and his mother. You absolutely did the right thing making him leave if you were sick and couldn't deal with his behavior. And I have said this before, If he is not in his right mind and delusional he could snap at any time. If he wants to get well he will go to the rehab and stay there and do the work with no excuses. I would not let him back in until he goes for help. I know you keep hoping he will get clean, but the reality is you could be waiting a very long time. In the meantime you need to decide how long you are willing to go through this and if he does get clean are you willing to deal with a relapse if that happens. It's not uncommon for that to happen unfortunately. Sorry I know it's hard.
  • Ok I think that’s a good idea to not let him back in until he goes to treatment. In the meantime I will keep doing what I’m doing
  • @Jersey2316... I think @tiredmom's post was spot-on. Your husband's addiction is making you sick. And that's a sign that you need to detach a bit. Detaching doesn't mean that you stop caring or loving or being supportive; it just means that you learn to do those things without making yourself sick or crazy. You can't let your husband's addiction take you down, too! I know it's not easy, but you have to put some space between him and you in order to save yourself.

    I am praying hard for both of you.
  • @Jersey2316 I'm agreeing with @DeanD and @tiredmom ..... Your sanity matters my dear.....
  • Ok I think that’s a good idea to not let him back in until he goes to treatment. In the meantime I will keep doing what I’m doing...he knocked at 4 am but didn’t answer then when I left for work he was in his truck outside my apt and he said I had his USB which I don’t because those are for computers but I might have a charger for his phone but he has been managing for three weeks with whatever charger he has. Anyway he corned my car so I couldn’t back up then finally got out of the way and followed me to the gas station and on the road and I didn’t want him following me to work since he doesn’t know where I work so I called 911 but by that time he went a different way. I’m trying to stick to him not being there at my apt but it’s hard when he knocks at all hours of the night and my dog goes crazy barking and it freaks me out. This is so hard and I think posting here every day just to let you guys know what I’m going through makes me feel not so alone. Trying my best but feel very anxious and lost and alone. And every thing seems so quiet it’s weird.
  • @Jersey2316 I'm glad that you feel less alone and that posting is helping you. I can't help wonder what outcome are q hoping for with your husband. This is dragging on and he is not changing. It is not right that he shows up at all hours of the night knocking on your door. Do you really think you will get the outcome you are hoping for? What steps has he taken to get help? I'm wondering how is it he doesn't know where you work? That is a good thing he doesn't because I am sure it would q very embarrassing if he showed up at your job and started rambling his delusional crap. So be careful each day and make sure he doesn't follow you. I mentioned previously how a person can suddenly snap! My husband followed me one day and then rammed my car and I went down over an embankment. Some drugs can make people downright crazy and your husband is using what I feel is the worst one. You are experiencing what many others have experienced when it gets quiet. It's weird because you are used to living in the chaos and at this time are in a place where you are not really moving forward completely. But you are doing a great job by not letting him in!! There may come a time where you will need to enforce the protection order if you still have one. Why aren't you calling the police when he shows up at the house. Are you still trying to hold on to the relationship? Noone can tell you what to do, but you need to decide how it is you want to live and for how long you are going to deal with it. It doesn't seem like he is doing ANYTHING to better your life or help himself. Try to get to some meetings and around people who can support you. Turn on the radio if it feels TOO quiet. I know how awful this all is, believe me! But you are going to have to make some sort of decision or nothing is going to change. Stay strong. You're doing well.
  • Take good care of yourself and be careful, @Jersey2316. I can't imagine what it's like having him show up and knock on your door at 4am. That sucks.

    You are definitely not alone! We are here for you. Always. Please keep posting and using us for support.

    Love and hugs coming your way.
  • Yeah what’s really hard is what I’m going to say to my family for thanksgiving. I was planning on going to see the whole family in California with my husband and. Now family members are asking if he’s coming and it’s weird because I don’t know what to say. I will probably have to drive since we have no money because he stopped working. I had to take four pay day loans out just to make sure rent doesn’t bounce. Financially I’m in a mess but I know I will get through it. Just don’t know what to say to family when they ask.
  • @Jersey2316 I'm glad that you're feeling less Alone by coming here. We're definitely here to listen and give you support and encouragement. Good for you for sticking to your plan and not letting him intimidate you you.

    As far as what to tell your family, i'm not sure what to tell you. I guess whatever you'll be most at peace with. I tend to be a truth teller for the most part, even if the truth ends up upsetting someone. But that's just me.

    I hope you are able to have a great evening!
  • So he came by for a few minutes and said he is going to a rehab inpatient tomorrow for 90 days and it’s coed. It’s super expensive so I asked how he could afford it and he said he got a sponsor. And i told him I’m not comfortable with him going to a coed one because of all he has done when it comes to girls like the lying and cheating at very beginning and porn and messaging girls he doesn’t know on Facebook. Anyway i told him we should discuss it together on where he goes and that he should go to an all men’s instead and they are cheaper anyway and closer. And he said he will go to the one that’s expensive. I feel like he just gets away with so much and I don’t feel like he even wants to quit meth or that rehab will work becuse I feel he’s only doing it to avoid jail. I don’t know if he’s even telling the truth or not about going but I feel abandoned and like he doesn’t care. He said he thinks I already cheated anyway when I didn’t. He even thinks I’m the one getting high. Do other people worry about someone going to rehab when it’s coed? I honestly think I’m justified in feeling the way I do and if he really respected and loved me he wouldn’t go to that one.
  • And what pisses me off is last thanksgiving Christmas and our birthdays and Valentine’s Day he was in jail now he’s going to miss a second year of all of those holidays? All because he couldn’t promise to stay sober like he promised me from jail? And yes it might sound weird but I feel like he is actually a spoiled and entitled boy in a 41 year old body. The fact he needs the most expensive rehab sickens me and I bet his mom is just paying for it anyway. He just doesn’t seem to care at all about my feelings. All he cares about is no jail. Not once has he thought about me. I always come last.
  • @Jersey2316 please do not take offense at what I am going to tell you on this post. I'm am going to be frank with you for your own good. So please understand I am not trying to be harsh but I must tell you the truth. Here goes. If your husband is telling you the truth and he is going to rehab, that is a very good thing. What type of rehab should not be so important at this time. The important thing is he says he is going. You worrying about there being girls there is not what is at stake here. His life and sobriety is at stake. If he is telling you the truth you need to be embracing the fact he is doing SOMETHING! Taking some type of action to get clean. It's not fair of you to be concerning yourself with who else will be there. The important thing is he has an opportunity for change. You are not being abandoned. What do you want him to do? Do you want him to stick around and continue to use? If he has issues with cheating, porn, whatever, those are separate problems. He can act on that at any time. He doesn't need to go to a coed rehab to do that. If you truly want him to get help you need to encourage him to move forward with the plans he is making. You putting your own insecurities on him at this time will be of no help. Even though you are justified in these feelings and the fear you have, it will do no good to push against it. The fact he has a. Sponsor to assist him with the cost is a good thing. If it makes you feel any better, most coed rehabs discouraged contact of any kind between males and females. My son was thrown out of a rehab for doing nothing but passing a note to a girl. Most are very strict. Also, if your husband is so bad you have to constantly worry about cheating and other women, why are you accepting that and in the relationship at all? Try to relax. It's not going to be some big party where the men and women are co-mingling and loving up on each other. Trust me. And remember, you are not being abandoned. Isn't this what you wanted? Think about it. I hope the best for you, so I had to be honest with you.
  • I understand what you are saying about him being spoiled. And I can imagine how you must be so disappointed by all the broken promises. You have a right to be upset. But unfortunately, that is what happened and you can't change it. If you are trying to stay in this relationship then you need to focus on here and now. I know what it feels like to have the holidays screwed up too! It's upsetting and frustrating . Everything about being with an addict is frustrating! And if you are correct in the fact that you think he is just trying to avoid jail and not going because he really wants help to get better, then why would you want to hang onto him anyway? This could go on for years? Can you do this for years? You can be supportive of him, but you must take care of yourself too and figure out what you need. You can only do so much for him. I go through this with my son. And it is not fun by any means. It's a difficult life.
  • Yeah I want him to get help of course but the way he goes about things it just disgusts me. I have been the only person stable to continue working since I was 18 and he has worked here and there when he feels like it and I’m struggling to pay all of our bills and running. Around town getting six payday loans just to not get evicted while he’s running around looking at porn and now going to live rent free at the most expensive rehab in the country. Sorry but it’s hard to not get mad. For once I wish he could step up and be the husband I deserve.
  • That's so hard I'm sure. I'm so sorry. I'm sure you are just tired of it and hurt too. I don't blame you for wanting him to step up for a change. I'm assuming you love him, but if all of this has been happening and now you are to a point where you also have financial problems, why is it you are still with this man who does nothing for you but cause problems, use drugs, accuse, etc? I'm just curious.
  • Oh because when he was In jail last year he swore he would never put me last ever again and that was for seven months and I believed him and Ben when he was sober in September and half of October I believed him that he would stay sober. When he’s so er he’s a different person and is good to me that’s why.
  • @Jersey2316 Hey there. I think we can all understand why you have hung on, b/c when people are sober, they are different. And sometimes it's just tough to completely detach from someone you love, and someone who seems to be trying. It's one of those things you just don't know exactly how to handle. I mean.... being on the opposite end of someone struggling with addiction. Whether it's your partner or your child or even a friend.

    There's definitely a learning process, and bumps in the road and obstacles to overcome, and sometimes ya may have to lovingly detach. This is one reason having a supportive network is important!

    I'm glad you're here and we get to Journey with you through this. Through it all!

    I hope that you have a good day!
  • @Jersey2316 I've been there too. I know how easy it is to believe everything they tell you. And isn't it amazing at how different people are when they are sober? You know it seems to me from my own experience years ago with my ex-husband and a few woman I know too, that when their man is in jail and locked up and can't do anything, go anywhere, and are alone, they really stay attached to the woman and act so loving and make tons of promises, and it is so easy to believe every single word they say. They may even mean it, but after they get out, all that goes out the window. And alot of the same things start happening again. It's so tough and disappointing. I finally got to a point where I had to let my husband go. He was destroying anything good in my life and it was too hard having to deal with the hurt and disappointment over and over again. Like you, my finances were a mess and my ex totaled our car. I had no money and had to sell my brand new refrigerator and new table and chairs. I had to use a little college refrigerator my sister gave me and eat in the living room just so I could get some money to pay the bills until I got straightened out. And I ate peanut butter sandwiches and eggs every day for I can't tell you how long. And all that came after so many promises. He's been out of my life for over 25 years, but now I have a son (his son) who struggles with addiction. I know how difficult it can be. I put up with my son and keep in in my home because when I once threw him out he bothered my mother and daughter constantly. My mother has health problems and a serious heart condition. He cried to her all day and night and stressed her out. And my daughter couldn't get any peace either. She is a very busy person and is in the process of getting her doctorate, so I put up with him for her sake too. It is just hard all the way around. So I know how you feel. I'm hoping things get better for you soon.
  • @Jersey2316... As far as what to tell your family: I'm like @dominica. I tend to tell the truth. There shouldn't be any shame associated with addiction. It's a disease. When I first learned about my son's addiction issues, I was totally honest with everyone...my family, my friends, my coworkers, etc. I didn't want to contribute to the stigma that's associated with this horrible disease. I wanted people to know what was going on. Plus, it was so much easier not to hide anything. But that's just me. Obviously, you have to do what feels best for you.

    As far as your husband going to a co-ed rehab: I agree with pretty much everything @tiredmom said. If this is all legit, it's a wonderful thing. So maybe just let things play out and see what happens. Could it be that he's just going to rehab to avoid jail? Sure. But you don't know that and you can't control that, so why dwell on it? You have to let go a bit and have try to trust the process. If it works, great. If not, then you'll have some tough decisions to make.

    I will keep thinking positive thoughts for you and sending positive energy your way. And I will keep praying for you and your husband. Addiction sucks. There's no two ways about it. But we have to remember that OUR lives are important, too. So while your husband is away at rehab, take that time and work on YOU. Do some soul-searching. Pamper yourself. Go to support group meetings. You need to work on YOUR recovery, too!
  • Yeah so I found out that he probably most likely isn’t at rehab because the place he claimed to go to doesn’t have any communication with him since 2016 when he did outpatient and they said it was $50,000 for inpatient and they don’t even have sponsors who pay or scholarships so it’s just not where he is most likely. I honestly think he lied to me just to hurt me and confuse me like he always does. He also claimed I was high last night when I’ve never been high in my life so I can’t twke what he says seriously. He was pissed I spoke to his probation officer and kept asking me what I told him and all I ever told the guy was the truth. So back to feeling sick but really trying to move on with life. I know it doesn’t seem like it maybe but I am just so sick of all this it makes me want to puke. I just want something to change and I know something will. Trying to be positive
  • @Jersey2316 ah, sorry to hear this. i know it can be maddening! and you don't deserve this....

    moving on will happen... is happening slowly. it's a process.... and we'll be here the whole way. this is a new chapter in your life...dedicated to YOU.... you standing on your own... you moving forward with hope and maybe even a bit anticipation about what life will be like without having to contend with all that you have been. a fresh start.....

    think about a support group meeting.... might help!
  • Sorry, @Jersey2316. If he lied to you, that definitely sucks. You may have to start thinking about saving yourself. If you keep on in this relationship, I'm worried that your husband's addiction is going to end up claiming you, too. And you don't deserve that.

    Sending love, hugs, and prayers. <3
  • Just wondering how you are doing @Jersey2316 . I hope everything is ok with you. I'm sorry to hear your husband lied to you about the rehab. That was pretty crappie of him. When they do things like that, they just keep us confused and in a state of uncertainty and I am sure you have enough of that about now. Just keep finding ways to take care of yourself. Hope your day is going well.
  • I’m doing ok despite the circumstances. Yesterday and this morning he demanded me to give him money so he could get gas claiming he was driving to an outpatient center an hour away. I told him I have responsibilities such as work and that I could instead drive him there after work. He flipped out and said if I love him I would do it and that he wants his car with him. Well I know for a fact it was to go get drugs instead because he went to this city last week too. He said if I don’t give him money he will divorce me and that he’s taking legal actions on me for all the stuff I’ve done to him which is nothing he’s just high. He wouldn’t even tell me where he was. I’ve researched about it and have gotten good at and don’t feel bad about not giving him gas. They say gas and money just get them to their dealer which is true. I will give him food if he’s starving but that’s it. He’s blocked me I guess at the moment but just trying. To focus on getting a money gram for my rent and getting one more payday loan to get through the next two weeks and going to support group at church tonight. I’m going to switch off every other week and go to a counselor I found that was affordable on friday nights. Doing ok but just really wanted a good thanksgiving with him for once but don’t see that happening so probably driving to California with my dog by myself on Tuesday.
  • @Jersey2316 That sounds like a good idea to go ahead and visit family for Thanksgiving. You probably need a little break about now from his antics anyway. It's amazing how their minds work and how they can change their talk depending on what they are trying to get from us. You are being very smart. One minute your husband doesn't think he is married to you, and the next he is going to divorce you. I'd tell him good, go ahead and save you the trouble, even if you don't mean it. Girl, I give you credit for keeping your calm. And you are doing amazing by finding the church group and counselor. The less you do for him the better chance you have of him getting better. IF He is hungry I would put a sandwich in a bag and set it out on the porch. Don't let him in. Maybe eventually he will have a sane enough moment to realize you aren't going to play his games. We can only hope. I will add you to the people I pray for. Also I forgot to mention in another post, I am all for being totally honest with family and friends. You might get some support from family and maybe someone will offer to help you out until you get back on your feet. Hope your evening is going well.
  • Thanks for praying. Yeah I just got home and he was at my door and he said I had agreed to give him food so I offered ramen noodles and cookies because that’s all I have and he didn’t take it. He said he needed a shower and to rest and I kept going back in forth with if he could because he was being awful to me sayinf he could get food from all these girls he met at bars. I asked if he meant it and after awhile he said no but I still don’t know what to believe. Then he said he was only sorry for sayinf he hated me and that he didn’t hate me but that he wanted a divorce. I said he can’t come in and shower and be here if he’s going to tell me those awful things. Then he was sayinf sorry kind of so I said if he showers and eats then he needs to sleep and not leave and use again but then as soon as I said that he left and said he has tons of other bitches he can get food from. It was such an awful conversation and so much back and forth and changing minds and me trying to stand my ground. I think you are right I shouldn’t let him in anymore just put food outside and I’m right about not letting him shower right? Especially after everything he said? Sorry this is so hard and my stomach drops every time I see him I get super anxious and nervous and it’s like a part of me doesn’t want him around me. He kicked my bag out of the way and I could tell he was highly irritable and could be dangerous so I’m glad and relieved he left. I told him I would cal the police when he told me he met all these different girls and when I asked him originally to leave and he refused. It’s such a mess and honestly the five minute exchange was such nonsense and hurt and you are right I can’t go through that again. Not even a shower. Only food on balcony from now on if that
  • @Jersey2316 That is so awful you had to go through that. I'm sorry but your husband sounds like a little kid who is saying he will go play with someone else if you don't want to play the game he wants. He says whatever he can think of to hurt you because all he is thinking about is himself and the drugs. Even if there are girls at the bar, which I doubt anyone decent would even want to bother with him, it is selfish and cruel to put you through this. He has more wrong with him than the drugs Im starting to think. I know you have alot already to deal with so I don't want to scare you further., but people on meth can become dangerous. I'm afraid for you. Your husband is out of control and you would be helping yourself if you keep him out of your house until he is more stable and off the drugs. I wouldn't let him keep doing what he is doing and then come around just when he wants something from you. I don't know if you still want to be with him or what you are hoping will happen, but the way he is now, if it were me I would be glad if someone else took him off of my hands. He has nothing to offer you or anyone else at this time, so he is dreaming he has other"bitches". I'm sure you had some good times with him, but in the last year or two, how many months were good? He really takes advantage of you and I can imagine how hurt you must feel. I would try to ignore some of the stupid things he says to you. He is on drugs and talking out his ass. So don't let it hurt you too much. I really think the day may come where you will have no choice but to keep him away from you, unless he goes for help., and soon.
  • It’s been really odd I haven’t heard from him since Friday night and neither has his mom. But his phone was ringing either yesterday or today so I’m sure he’s fine. But I’m depressed and worried about what he’s doing and really pray he’s not cheating. I think if he truly loves me he won’t. But the two days of not knowing is killing me and I keep beating myself up for saying he had to stay if he showered then he ran away Friday night. Trying to take care of myself and zone out honestly just watching a lot of TV. Don’t know where he is
  • @Jersey2316 So sorry you are still continuing to have problems with your husband and don't know where he is. You shouldn't be beating yourself up because you told him he had to stay if he showered. That is not why he ran away. You are right there in the middle of this, and like a lot of women you aren't seeing what is really happening. Your husband would have taken a shower AND THEN LEFT! He just came around to get a shower, eat, whatever and then would have left anyway and went and did whatever he wanted no matter what you say or do! If he wanted to stay at the house he would have. He is coming around when he wants something. He left you with enough problems of every sort and you have enough to worry about because of what he is doing and the drugs he is taking, so why do you need to worry about his cleanliness. Who knows what he has been doing besides causing you worry, fear, heartache and I am sure alot of pain. I don't know how long you have been together and you never did say how many good months you actually had with him. You mentioned he was in jail awhile? Those aren't good months. You did the right thing. I don't think your husband cares about anything right now but getting drugs and getting anything he can from you and his mother. If you think your husband would cheat on you then that is disgusting. Why would you even care at this point. You must be so thoroughly sick of this by now and you have to pull your inner strength, which I know you have, and start to let him go, for your own good. You have to protect yourself. I'm not saying all, but there are plenty of addicts who have contracted diseases. Hep C and venereal diseases. I know. One of my good friends works in a rehab and she said it is a massive problem amongst addicts. I hope things can get better for you. I know this is terrible to go through. I'm going to say a prayer for you that you can find strength and peace. You deserve so much more than your husband has been giving you.
  • @Jersey2316... You have to do everything you can to take care of YOU. Your husband was trying to play you by asking for money for gas. If getting to an outpatient treatment center was important to him, he would've gladly accepted your offer of a ride. As your intuition told you, chances are pretty damn good that he had other plans in mind. I'm really proud of you for sticking to your guns.

    For what it's worth, addicts love to play that "If you..." card. "If you loved me, you'd give me money." They love tugging at the heartstrings of the people who care about them. Believe me, I've been through that sooooooo many times with my son. You just have to let their words roll off your back and do what you think is right. It's very hard to do that at times, but it's the best thing.

    I hope your Monday is a good one. And I hope you go and visit family so you can have a nice, relatively relaxing Thanksgiving, with minimal drama.

    We love you and we care about you. Always remember that. <3
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