Feeling hopeless...don't know what to do anymore

Hey, it's my first time posting in a forum like this but I simply don't know what to do or how to carry on without losing my sanity.
For a few years I've been dating a guy, who has a problem with drugs. What started off as recreational use (a couple of times a year), escalated into a full blown addiction in the past year.
He has entered treatment, says he is willing to drop his habit and do whatever it takes because he knows he has a problem but then on the other hand, he relapses way too frequently...for instance just yesterday he took heroin and said it finally made him feel happy for a few hours.
I dont know what to do, he never had problems with heroin before, but he seems more and more attracted to it and that worries beyond words.
So based on his action i dont know if he honestly wants to quit because he still seems to be idealizing this particular drug. I dont want to enable him, so my question is, what to do? Just let him be and hope he doesnt die in the process? Fight and beg he stops?
Any kind of insight, tips, advice would be greatly appreciated.
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  • @LonelySummer hello and welcome! I have been a member of this "community" for only a short time and you have come to the right place! I've found so much support, encouragement, and help here than anything I've ever tried. I have two posts, I encourage you to read through them both if you can find the time to do so as I am in the same place as you and there are A LOT of comments and wonderful advice throughout both of these posts that will help you (I'll post the links to my posts at the end of this)..... my husband of 5 years is an opiate addict. He just relapsed again after two years of being clean. What you are going through has been my life with my husband for the whole time we have been married. He was clean until a car accident two months before our wedding date and relapsed shortly after the wreck.

    My husband has just began treatment, again, after saying he wanted and was going to get help many times. Seems it always comes within a day or so of me telling him I'm done.... conveniently. I have to go into a meeting for now but please read through my other posts and I'll check back and comment again when my meeting is over.

    https://www.recovery.org/forums/discussion/10841/newbie

    https://www.recovery.org/forums/discussion/10934/codependency
  • @LonelySummer hello and welcome. sorry you are going through this... the reality is it may take him a while to get to a point where he is really seriously ready to quit for good, and it may take multiple relapses for him to get there... it could also take a while..but there's no way of telling....

    this is where you'll need to learn how to set firm boundaries and really think about what you want in a relationship... are you willing to keep this up? this relapsing and worrying about him? if not, set some boundaries and be sure you can keep them. read up on boundary setting... and here is a good little resource to read to learn some great tips that you can do moving forward - for him and for you:

    https://the20minuteguide.com/partners/introduction-partners-guide/

    and yes, we are certainly here for you.... anytime.
  • @LonelySummer hello again. During the days that my husband did not use and was himself he would talk to me very honestly. He would say how he needed help and he would have a "victim mentality" and self pity perspective. Of course, all the previous years and relapses I've always been there for him and showed pity towards him and did whatever he needed me to do to help him. He would get clean for a few months at a time and relapse. The last time it was for 2 years.... the longest period of our marriage. When he relapsed this time after those 2 years it hit out of literally NO WHERE! I saw no signs, there were no problems, I had regained my full trust in him and our lives were really good. We were in a better place in our lives and marriage than ever before. This time, I wasn't sad... I was ANGRY. I didn't tip toe around it until it was too far gone, I called him out on it immediately. I didn't do the begging and pleading and clinging. This time, I was mad. I called him out on it, I started avoiding him, I became distant when I knew he had used. However, I did continue to financially support all of our financial responsibilities b/c obviously I couldn't lose everything b/c he is an idiot. I started out angry. Then, I started the insanity of trying to play "detective" and trying to call him out on all the "evidence" I found. It only lead in the same circles of denial and more lies to cover the original lie.

    I was at my end of the rope when I found this site and I'm beyond thankful that I did! Like I said, if you read through the two posts of mine (they are LONG w/ lots of comments, but worth the read) you will see all of the growth I've made personally. You will also see all of the circles and experiences I've witnessed my husband go through. I see now that he has been in "survival mode" as I like to say now. He has said and done whatever kept me hanging on. I have learned that self love and self care are my priorities. I have taken baby steps to get to where I am now but it's so worth it.

    I say all of that to get to this... I've been told this many times over..... YOU CANNOT CONTROL HIS CHOICES AND HIS ACTIONS. He is going to do what he wants to do regardless of how you respond. He is going to play on your emotions and your love for him. He is going to do and say what it takes for him to "survive" another day. I hope that makes sense. Addicts live for today, not for tomorrow and certainly not for the future. The live for what benefits them today. Tomorrow they will wake up and do it again. Addicts are manipulators, they have an incredible awareness of what it takes to get others to revolve around their addiction.

    If you are willing to continue this cycle for long term, possibly for a lifetime you have to be prepared to set boundaries and STICK TO THEM. If you are not prepared for this and do not want this to be your future you may want to consider walking away before this relationship evolves further. As the addiction progresses so do the manipulations, the lies, the denial and deception. It's part of the disease. It's your call and your call only. You have to do what is best for YOU, for your health and mental/emotional well being. If you have not read the book "Beyond Addiction" it is full of great information. Please post as often as you need to.
  • Hi. Sorry to meet you here, but glad to make your acquaintance. For me it is not a spouse, but my adult son that brings me to the forum. However, this isn't about me. Just know you are not alone. I second all of the advice you have be been given here thus far. Boundaries are essential. The first time you set them, it is difficult. Not that you want to be changing them always (as they would not then be boundaries), but allow yourself some wiggle room. My husband and I have found that what we considered ABSOLUTE BOUNDARIES initially, have morphed a bit as we came to a better understanding and as my son has made progress (and sometimes declined). Overall, the root of every boundary remains; some have adjusted as needed. I went as far as to draw up a contract because there seemed to always be a bit of ambiguity about what was actually agreed upon. Having it in writing (especially from me-mom, the soft one), knowing that he needed to sign it to continue living under our roof and keep getting help from us, made him really stop and think about what he was agreeing to. He asked questions and clarity was obtained for sure. If you are interested in that contract, I'd be happy to share. I understand however that the dynamics between husband and wife are quite different than parent to child. It might provide you some ideas though.

    Lastly, outsiders meaning well...friends and other family... approach our situation with "tough love." We once did too. We have learned the "get with it or get out" to not be that effective or helpful. For our son, it caused more fear and anxiety, actually seemed to amplify his addiction. Eventually, I found this video that I shared with my son. He loved it as did I. He asked his dad to watch it so we all sat together as a family and took it in. I watch it over and over and love the message. Give it a try.....
    I can't figure out how to share it so go to youtube and search:
    Everything you've been told about addiction is wrong by Johann Hari. It's a TED TV video. There are many great videos there.

    Hang in there. And keep looking for support. No matter what you decide - stay or go, temporary or permanent, you will need help. We all do. It's a beautiful thing that humans lift each other in time of need. Sometimes we give, sometimes we take and sometimes we give through the taking. Good luck.
  • @LonelySummer you may also want to consider attending Nar-Anon or Al-Anon. I have attended two meetings so far and found tremendous support and encouragement from this group. They have all experience every emotion and situation I've faced. Just a thought?
  • Thank you all for sharing, it means sooo much to know I'm not alone in this and there are people going through a similar thing.

    Thank you for the book recommendations, I've read a lot of books on the topic but definitely need to read more.

    Setting boundaries is what I need to do first and then stick to them, I know he knows how much I love him and I don't want him to use that to fuel his addiction further.

    What's puzzling me most is how he can change so dramatically from one day to another...doing everything he can to change his lifestyle for the better, even voluntarily giving me his credit cards and everything so he wouldn't slip and buy drugs, seeing a psychiatrist twice a week but then as if i lightning struck him, he goes and uses again.
    In the meantime I can only work on myself and take care of myself because I can literally feel my sanity going away.
    Thank you all once again, i appreciate it a lot
  • @LonelySummer that is addiction. My husband does the same. He gets my hopes up and keeps me hanging on. Seems just long enough to reel me back in with his false promises. When he is clean I can see the agony on his face when he is facing reality. It's tough. It's hard to stick to your guns b/c this is a person you love, that you have trusted, that you know.... or thought you did.
  • @Drained1 I know exactly what you're talking about, it's like a vicious circle which is spiraling down with occasional positive moments.

    From all I have read I still cannot decide if it really is the disease of the brain or a habit that can be broken with enough willpower...but in the meantime I see the man I love becoming something he wasn't before...a liar and a manipulator...well he is being treated for depression as well, been through two suicide attempts this year so honestly it's been hell.

    It really hit home when you said "you cannot control his choices and his actions" ...its so true, i can only take care of myself and pray that he comes to his senses before its too late.
  • @LonelySummer I just posted a new discussion... feel free to check it out. It's all strictly my experience and my opinions but it may help?

    https://www.recovery.org/forums/discussion/11282/things-ive-learned-about-addiction-from-my-experience-my-opinions-only
  • @LonelySummer... Welcome to the community, my friend. I'm sorry you're going through what you are with your boyfriend, but I'm happy that you found us and reached out. I'm also glad to see that you've already received some terrific insight, advice, and words of wisdom from @Drained1, @dominica, and @RaisingCain.

    I think if you read those threads that @Drained1 shared the links for, you'll get an abundance of information that can help you. I have to say, she has made incredible progress since she came to this forum and first posted. I think you can make similar progress, too.

    The Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change book--and its companion 20 Minute Guide, for which @dominica shared the link--are, I think, must-reads for you. The book is written specifically for partners and parents of people struggling with addiction and is the best book out there on the subject. It will teach you how to communicate better with your boyfriend, how to help motivate him to want to change, and (most importantly, IMO) how to take good care of yourself while you're dealing with his issues. Believe it or not, self-care is absolutely essential when you're in the position you're in.

    I would also recommend finding an Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, or SMART Recovery Family & Friends meeting in your area and checking it out. Being face-to-face with people who know exactly what you're going through and feeling can be helpful and comforting. You are truly not alone. I also am a firm believer in what Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach us about our addicted loved ones: "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it." Amen to that.

    It's good that your boyfriend went to treatment. Unfortunately, relapse is a common part of the disease of addiction, and sometimes it can take multiple relapses and trips to treatment before things start to "stick." That's just the nature of the beast. Would it be wonderful if an addict could go to treatment, go through the system, and come out fully cured? Absolutely. But it doesn't work that way. Recovery is an ongoing process...for everyone.

    You may have to make tough decisions about your relationship. Only you can decide what's best for you. And that's what you should be thinking about: What's best for YOU. Because you are the only person you have complete control of. And you deserve to live a happy, healthy life, both physically and emotionally. Be supportive of your boyfriend, but don't let his addiction issues totally consume you. If you do, you'll become addicted to his addiction and you will both end up suffering greatly.

    Please know that we are here for you. If you need help, support, advice, or just people to listen to you vent, you can come and post here anytime. That's why we're here. In the meantime, I'm sending you tons of love, light, and hope.

    By the way, I'm pretty sure this is the video @RaisingCain was talking about:

    "Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong" | Johann Hari

  • Thank you so much @Drained1 , @DeanD , @dominica and @RaisingCain for your responses. Honestly I didn't expect so many helpful responses and it's practically made me cry to know I am not alone in this.

    I can't really talk about this with anyone but his dad because he is the only other person who knows about my boyfriend's addiction. What scares me is that its progressing and as much as I love him, I am not sure anymore that I can handle it in the long run.
    And when i see some steps done in the right direction (because at first he didnt even acknowledge he had a problem; then entered treatment all on his own and the professionals there told us he had a good chance of fully recovering since he joined the treatment early), i get my hopes up only to have them smashed on a day like today when he suddenly decided being sober is not making him happy enough.

    I apologise for venting but I feel I really needed to get this off my chest. Thank you guys again, you're wonderful.
  • @LonelySummer... You are very welcome, my dear. I know it's not easy. And you never, never, never have to apologize for venting here. That's why this forum exists. So you can get things off your chest and engage in conversation with people who know what you're going through. You are not alone!
  • @LonelySummer yes, you are so welcome and we are glad to be able to listen and support you however we can.

    feel free to vent anytime. you are NOT alone and we really do care.

    @DeanD love that video!
  • It is definitely not an easy journey and what seems to be the hardest is knowing whether to hang on or to let go. How was it for you guys? Sometimes I wonder if my staying makes things worse, not only for me but for him as well. I've been doing lots of reading (thanks again for all the recommendations) and I really hope it will help me learn how to respond best.

    As I mentioned the other day, he relapsed last week, he seems sober now but refuses to talk about what happened; usually he is willing to talk about what triggered the relapse but today he was so very quiet, lost in his thoughts. And then I feel lost...should I just let him be, encourage him to open up. I really don't know, so for now hoping for the best...
  • @LonelySummer ,
    Thinking of you today and hoping you are feeling strong.
  • @LonelySummer I am sorry you are going through this. I know the frustration, emotions and all that comes along with deciding on whether to stay or go. That is a decision only you can make. I have just had to make that decision for myself as well. It's so hard, especially when you are given a little bit of hope to hang on to and then it's gone once you think things are going in the right direction.... it's exhausting.
  • @Drained1 it is exhausting indeed :( How are you these days?
    I took some time off, went to visit my family, thought things were looking up and that my bf has finally been sober for some time, but just today he came clean that last week he was using more than he let on (I should have seen this coming I suppose). Anyway, again I feel like a fool for believing that he actually wants to change...I just don't get it, he's seeing his therapist once a week, he says that addiction is improving (says I should be proud that he hasn't touched cocaine in almost two months) but I really don't see anymore how it is improving if he is still on opiates at least once a week. I guess I am just waiting for the final straw and then I'll finally be able to accept that it's his addiction, his journey and that if he wants to ruin his life, he should do so.
  • @LonelySummer The thing about change is that it takes time and you might not notice changes that are occurring inside. A relapse doesn't mean they will never get there. And oftentimes people do relapse on their way to full recovery. There are also stages of change, so hopefully he is in one of those stages and will keep progressing.

    We don't know what's going on in his mind, and it's all right that he doesn't really want to share right now. He will be more apt to share if he doesn't feel pressured. do your best to accept him for where he's at right now, keeping your boundaries in place and taking care of you.
  • Thank you @dominica, it was comforting to read what you wrote. The longer this is happening the more I realize how imporant it is to be firm about boundaries, to take care of myself and to accept him whichever stage he is currently at. But his comments like "if I had a few beers every Saturday, no one would mind or make a big deal out of it" still leave me speechless. What frightens me is that he needs to see a loooot of negative consequences of a certain drug before he acknowledges that it's a problem and then does something about it :( And when I tell him that something terrible might happen to him before he reaches rock bottom or that it will be even more challenging to change once he is physically dependent on heroin, he dismisses it and says I am blowing things out of proportion. Anyway, apologies for venting but I really needed to let this out :(
  • No apologies needed, @LonelySummer.

    I understand all the frustration you're feeling. Trying to talk sense to an addict is sometimes impossible. I've always liked author Anne Lamott's description:

    "Trying to deal with an addict is like trying to blow out a light bulb."

    Stick to the boundaries you set. And remember to practice self-care, because YOUR life is the most important one in the equation...always!
  • Hey guys...
    It's been a while since I wrote on here...i guess i am feeling hopeless again and in need to wrote things down somewhere.
    What has happened since then? My bf got into buprenorphine treatment and counselling, we even got more serious...that much so that we practically live together now...he stayed away from substances since August, but on Friday they had a work Christmas party (guess what always happens there), even though i managed to talk him out of going to the party...he ended up disappearing in the middle of the evening ...the next day i realized he relapsed...this time shooting up cocaine...which he hadnt done before...i am feeling so low and lost and just wanna disappear somewhere...its too much too handle :( thanks for reading, i just needed to write this down
  • Hello,
    I just want you to know that you're not alone. I was in a similar relationship for 6.5 years, and we just had our son 3 years ago. Even with a son, he still wouldn't stop. Not that i hoped it would, my pregnancy was a surprise to me too. We were even engaged for 9 months before I called it off. After years of trying, I let him go last year. Yes, I worried that he would end up on the streets, and worried he'd OD, and worried that it would become my fault. But you have to realize that you cant control his actions or his thought process. Its like trying your absolute best to control the weather. Its just not meant to be controlled.

    AS long as he knows you wont leave, he will still have someone to take care of him. It seems like its his friends that are to blame, it is the drugs, it is that party he went to..... that if those things didn't come along, then he wouldn't have been using or he wouldn't have relapsed. You must realize that it is his choices. He chose the drug. He chose the friends. He chose the party. He had the choices again and again to stop. But he didn't.
    Those things cant be blamed for his addiction (even as much as we like to blame them). I'm sure you've come across them once or twice, did you become addicted? No. Because you chose not to. Those things are not some viral biochemical sickness. They're choices.

    He needs to choose to fight it everyday as he sobers up. I've heard plenty times that when one friend stopped using, 6 years later she is still wondering about snorting coke. How just a little wont hurt. However, she still chooses to not do it.
    I tried for 6.5 years to help him, to get him a job, to spend more time with his son, I tried to give him the best in life that he wouldn't have with drugs. I spent money, time, and energy on something that would not budge. Finally, I let go. Letting go is not giving up or a failure, letting go of a toxic relationship is liberating yourself, it is taking care of yourself.
    I had to deal with this while also worrying about the health and safety of my son. Before the relationship escalates further into marriage and children. Please do what is best for YOU. Let go. Chances are he will find someone else to shelter him. I'm sorry to say such a thing. But in my story, after 6.5 years of loving him... he found someone else in a week, or maybe he already had that someone else already, I'll never know.
    Please take time to read my story "Letting Go". I too felt like I had to hang on and not give up on him. I loved this man with all my heart and soul. But in the end, it had to come down to one decision. It hurt like hell to leave him. However, I had to leave before I too was dragged over the edge.
  • Thank you Haskie09 . I can relate so much to ypur story and I admire your courage for letting go. I know i can't comprehend the hell of addiction...just yesterday he cried when he confessed to what happened, said how ashamed he is, yet doesnt seem to be able to put a stop to it...it's like the person I love disappears and is taken over by a monster. Currently i am mustering up courage to let go of the love of my life and it's so f***** hard
  • @LonelySummer It is SO very hard. I have gone through this as well. After 7 years together, 5 years being married... I am now divorced from the man I thought was the love of my life. You hear stories of couples that get divorced and talk about how bad marriage was and how miserable they were... that's not the case with me. We were HAPPY. Genuinely happy and enjoyed our lives and being with each other. Drugs stole my husband from me. Drugs stole my marriage and my happiness. Drugs stole the man I once knew and turned him into someone I don't even recognize.

    But now on the back side of the hell I've lived this past year, I see that the best thing I could have ever done was to let go. It hurts like hell. It still hurts. But it was what I had to do to for ME. As long as I kept taking care of him and falling for his confessions and his crying and his "apologies" and continued taking care of him he wasn't going to change. Even if he did, we had been through this several other times throughout our relationship. When things were good, they were great but when he relapsed, it was hell. A vicious circle is what I was living. That doubt and worry and fear and stress was always there.

    Please continue taking steps for yourself and for your life. If you don't take care of you, nobody else will. I heard quite a while back "They can change. You can change. Or nothing changes" It hit me !!!
  • @Drained1 thank you for your message, i can't even imagine how tough that must have been for you, you can be so proud of yourself for letting go and putting ypurself first.
    I dont seem to have any strength left, all i can do is cry and cry and cry the moment i get back home from work. Not to mention the fact how difficult it is to concentrate at work.
    Its just like with you and your ex husband...when he is sober, which he has been for months, he is the most attentive, caring man i have ever met...but then substances take over and he disappears
  • @LonelySummer trust me I did cry and cry and cry and still have a hard time at work. A LOT has gone on after I made him leave. He was involved in a head on collision where he hit another vehicle and a passenger in the vehicle passed away that day. The driver has injuries that will be lifelong. I was the co-signer on the vehicle my ex-husband was driving and it was still on my insurance policy b/c I could not trust him to pay it so I am still dealing with his actions. He has turned completely psycho and it's STILL hell. He is spiraling out of control.

    So trust me when I say it has not been easy. I am proud of where I am at now but I know exactly what you are feeling and where you are. I was there not that long ago
  • Currently i still seem to be clinging to hope that he can get out of this somehow, but im probably just delusional ;(
  • I dont know whether to contact his friends and family to let them know he has relapsed again....i am terrified that he will die and i have done nothing to prevent it.
  • @LonelySummer... I'm so sorry, my dear. Please consider doing what's best for YOU. YOUR life matters, too. In fact, it's the most important life of them all. You deserve to be happy and healthy, both physically and emotionally. Listen to @Drained1. She's grown so much over the last several months. And she learned to put HERSELF first.

    I'm praying for you. And your boyfriend. Please know that you can come here for support--or just to vent--anytime.
  • Thank you @DeanD for your encouraging words and prayers, it means the world to me. I am praying too...to choose the right thing to do and to somehow make it out of this alive. Never have i imagined that this is how my relationship with him would evolve and i really hoped the buprenorphine treatment would help. I guess triggers can be overwhelming sometimes...but how to stop it and return back to recovery, that puzzles me a lot
  • @LonelySummer... Just remember: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
  • @LonelySummer i'm sorry... i imagine it is very hard.... i know you want to believe in him, and underneath that addiction, he's a great guy.... and we all know that he isn't choosing to "be an addict"... he has a disease... and sometimes people with this disease relapse.... and then relapse again. not always, but sometimes... and it doesn't always mean the partner has to leave.... but sometimes it does... it all depends on so many factors!

    are you able to process with a therapist? i think that can be helpful. being on the other side of someone struggling with addiction is challenging at times, and you need some support too. maybe even a support group....

    anyway, we are here.... anytime.
  • Thank you @DeanD, i dont know what i would do without the support here. I keep telling myself those lines, but one question remains: can he cure it? Or at least have it in remission till the rest of his life?
  • @LonelySummer glad you come here to share.... i hope he can do what he needs to do to get better. and yes, we can keep telling ourselves the truths...over and over...and pray for him.... i know you care about him so much.... you're a good soul!
  • @dominica it seems he's losing the battle...said he'd come home straight after work, but still nowhere to be seen which only means one thing...he couldn't/refused to resist the craving
  • I dont even know how to react when I see him...maybe just stay quiet. Probably a waste of time talking when he isn't sober anyway :(
  • Thinking of you tonight, @LonelySummer. I hope he's okay. And I hope you're okay, too. <3
  • @LonelySummer hey there. i do think quiet is good when people are not sober. i've wasted time talking to drunk people, and that doesn't feel good. i learned to not engage with them when they are that way.... hold firm your boundaries...

    i hope you have a good Sunday!
  • @LonelySummer he can’t cure his addiction unless he is ready to go to rehab and do the work it takes to stay sober. I am sorry you’re going through this, it’s horrible and you deserve so much better. I wouldn’t continue helping him if he doesn’t stick to a program. Addiction takes months of self help with therapy, support from family and work in the relationship to be successful.
  • @LonelySummer... How are you doing, my dear? Thinking of your today. Hope you had a nice Christmas (if you celebrate it).
  • @DeanD , thank you for your message. Hope you had a nice Christmas, mine was terrible this year. When I think things can't go lower, they hit a new low
  • @LonelySummer aww, i''m sorry to hear this... :(

    please know that we are here to listen....come and share anytime. i do hope things get better for you.... <3
  • @LonelySummer Hello. I read your post and I want you to know I also understand what you are going through. I dealt with a husbands addiction for years, and now I have a 30 year old son who also struggles. I know how hard it is when you love someone and you see how they are spiraling out of control. Addiction to opiates is a tough one. I know many addicts who relapse time and time again. I don't know what is happening right now with you, but it seems things have not gotten better. I think you need to think hard on this and decide just how much you are willing to deal with and for how long. At least then you will be taking some of your own power back. Once someone relapses it can be very difficult for them to stop without going into some type of treatment so their head can clear and they can get the drugs out of their system. And of course don't have easy access to get the drugs. Maybe you need to give your boyfriend an ultimatum. Either go get some help, or you will leave. Sometimes its the only option. Sometimes it helps to light a match under their ass. Excuse the expression. Hopefully he is not shooting up cocaine while also using Heroin. That is called speed balling. I only mention that because you said he shot up cocaine. You're guy knows exactly what he is doing and I am sure he knows what he needs to do to get help if he wants it. You just have to decide how long you are going to stay involved if he doesn't want help. Sorry you are dealing with this. I know it hurts.
  • @LonelySummer... I'm sorry your Christmas was terrible. If it's any consolation, mine kind of sucked, too. This year has been a rough one for my family, and I think everything just came to a head on Christmas. *sigh*

    Let's make a vow to make 2019 a better year, okay? And let's promise to be loving and kind to OURSELVES. Because we deserve it. You do. I do. We all do.

    Sending you love and strength and eternal hope. <3
  • @DeanD I am sorry to hear you Christmas kinda sucked too, I hope 2019 has started off better.
    I totally agree, let's make a vow to put ourselves first this year and hope for the best. ❤
    A big thanks to everyone on this forum, I'm so grateful to have found this place, it made me feel a little less alone in this struggle and helped me find enough strength to make it to 2019. I really cannot thank you enough.
  • Thanks, @LonelySummer. It's kind of funny that you said that about 2019. On Saturday, my wife fell and broke one wrist and severely bruised the other one. On New Year's Eve, my son fell and severely bruised his hip. Thankfully, no broken bones. But I spent 8+ hours on New Year's Day in the ER with him. Now I'm the nurse for both of them. Hope the year gets better soon!!! :)
  • Oh noooo @DeanD So sorry to hear that. I know you are going to be the best nurse for both of them. It makes me think of a time when my son broke both wrist at the same time. He was in surgery for hours and was in casts for months and didn't have the use of either hand. I had to feed him and dress and bathe him for a couple of months. It was not fun! So I feel you. Hopefully they will both heal up quickly so you all can get on with a better 2019.
  • @DeanD goodness!! that's a heck of a way to bring in the New Year!! I pray that they heal up soon, and that you're gifted truck loads of patience and compassion.. ;) i know you're already full of all those good things, but just in case (hee hee)

    may the best things be in store for all of us this year! and, the most important things like peace, joy, compassion, love, health, safety...
  • Thanks, @dominica. Took my wife to the orthopedic specialist today and they did more x-rays. Turns out it's a pretty bad break. My wife's gonna have surgery on Monday to repair it. Fun stuff!
  • The forum seems to be acting up, posting up my posts only partly or not at all. Any idea what might be the case?
  • You could try refreshing the page @LonelySummer .
  • Good morning @LonelySummer I am just now catching back up on this post and all comments. How are you? One thing that you said in a comment above completely caught my attention:
    "When I think things can't go lower, they hit a new low"
    I completely understand that feeling.... unfortunately I've lived through this first hand. Each time I thought "it can't get worse than this" it did. But then, at some point, I had to make the choice to stop letting my emotions and my life by controlled by him and his choices and actions. I TRULY had to learn that he is responsible for himself. It was one of the most difficult things for me to walk away from the hospital the day of his accident and know that there was nothing that could fix this for him. Nothing that could help him with this. That he was going to have to face the consequences for his actions.

    No matter if you decide to stay or if you decide it's best to get out of the situation, always find time to take care of you! You can't live your life putting him and what he is doing, or what he may do as the priority in your life. It will control you. It will drive you crazy. It's not healthy. Before you react, always remind yourself as @DeanD has reminded us so often, You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. I know from personal experience that it's hard to do. But there came a time in my life with my now ex-husband where those words became my sanity. I had daily pep talks... sometimes a few times a day, sometimes every few minutes honestly. His accident was the worse thing, it shook me to the ground. But it also woke me up to the reality that this is his battle and his choices and actions are HIS. I could no longer save him.

    I will do better to keep up with you!! If you need anything don't hesitate to reach out at any time. If it weren't for a few people in this community being there for me literally all hours of the day and night, I don't know how I would have made it through the darkest times of my life this past year. Literally, my family here were the only ones I could turn to at a certain point.
  • @LonelySummer sorry to hear about this tech glitch. Maybe try starting a new thread. Sometimes when they get extra long it starts acting up.
  • Sorry you've been having issues with posting, @LonelySummer. I've passed your tech issue on to the powers-that-be. I'm also wondering how you're doing. Please know that I'm thinking about you and hoping for nothing but the best for you.

    @Drained1... Thanks so much for sharing your insight. You are such a valuable part of this community.
  • @LonelySummer I don’t directly know what to say as far as what to do in your situation! That depends on how much you care for him and what you’re willing to endure for him. All I can say is keep your chin up, hoping for the best for both you and him!!!
  • @LonelySummer... Just wondering how you're doing. If you get a chance, check in with us. We're here, and we care.
  • Hey guys, @DeanD I havent posted in a while because I am really struggling. It's a constant rollercoaster of a few great sober days, followed by two dreadful ones. And today is a dreadful one, been crying for 4 hours straight, i can hardly focus at work but when i get home and see he is not there or picking up the phone i know he lost yet another battle.
    I am trying really hard to set the boundaries, i am not lending him any money or doing his tasks....yet one of his friends calls me the guilty for my bf's addiction...so on top of everything i am struggling with this blame.
    I dont know what to think anymore, when he is sober he says i am the only reason why he hasnt taken his life yet...because he feels so terrible and as if he cant win the battle...but on the other hand i cant go on like this forever plus his friends are urging me to leave and let him face rock bottom. I just dont know what to do....i definitely dont want to enable his addiction but just leaving him doesnt seem like a viable alternative at this point. I just feel so lost and alone
  • His friends are telling you what the right thing to do is, @LonelySummer . As long as you are still there nothing is going to change. He knows what he needs to do if he wants help, but he is not doing it. Noone can continue to live the life you are having to live for too long without ending up sick themselves. You need to think of yourself and take care of you. You can't do anything for him. He needs to do it for himself. The only thing you can do is to encourage him to get help and set boundaries as to what and for how long you are willing to live the life of someone who has to deal with all the misery and unhappiness living with an addict brings. His battle is not your battle. I think you should leave and let him hit his bottom as his friends suggest, otherwise this could be the way it is for a very very long time. Showing remorse is not good enough. I also had to learn that sometimes the I'm sorry is nothing more than a manipulation to keep us feeling sorry for them. You have to ask yourself what kind of life YOU want to live? Does the life you are living now look anything like the life you want? As @DeanD says,nothing changes if nothing changes. He is not going to change until you do or he has to and has had enough. You deserve to be happy but you never will be as long as you are in a relationship with an addict who is not changing. I think going to some Nar anon meetings could help you. If you have never gone to them, I think you should give it a try. I hope you can feel better and I hope you can make some decisions to better your own life.
  • @LonelySummer.... You need to detach. You need to take care of the one person you can control: YOU. If you don't, you will become even more addicted to his addiction than you are now, and the disease will claim you both. The status quo is obviously not working. There need to be changes. Period. Remember, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Trust me. You need to change things up and put yourself at the top of your priority list. You deserve that, my dear.

  • @LonelySummer i'm sorry you are struggling so much... i agree that you must take care of you best as you can right now. reach out for some support... it can be tough to do this alone (detach)... feel the pain... but also make some positive changes for you... over time, you will become stronger...

    i agree with @tiredmom that Naranon meetings may be helpful.
  • @DeanD and @tiredmom thank you both so much. I think I need to read what you're saying a few times every day so that I will be ready to leave. On one hand I know he is s grown man, responsible for himself and his own actions but on the other hand I see that he is doing best when we are both off work and can be together the whole day...he is always sober then and feels no need to use, whenever he has alone time because I am at work, he gets into trouble. So if I take our time away, I am afraid it won't help his sobriety...does that make sense?
    And what angers me even more...his doctor yesterday (he talked to her for 45mins) suggested he switches from buprenorphine (his daily dose is 8mg) treatment to methadone treatment, and please bear in mind that he was never been physically addicted to opiates. And the main problem is cocaine...how can they even suggest methadone?? I simply don't know who else to turn to and what kind of treatment to try.
  • Well 8mg of bupenorphine is alot in my opinion @LonelySummer . Especially if you are saying he wasn't using heroin regularly or for an extended period of time?? I honestly hated it when my son was on it. It's addictive also and hard to come off of the same as any other drug is. My son never got on methadone. I know people who were on it for years and had trouble coming off of it also. And where we live you have to go to the clinic every day. I'm not sure how true it is, but I have heard many people complain it damaged their teeth pretty bad. There is never an easy answer. These problems seem to go on and on and on. Sure there are some success stories, but I personally don't know of many. A life with an addict is never an easy one. I personally would not have an addict in my life if I didn't have to. There are too many guys out there that don't have issues, and a simpler, more peaceful life is what's important. Especially as we get older. For me, having a son with multiple issues is one thing, but having a partner with these problems would be out of the question. You need to do what you need to do so you can have a happy and joyful life. One free of caretaking and worry. Hope you are having a good day.
  • @LonelySummer I'm sorry but I forgot to mention something. Every addict I know, and I know alot of them, never took their bupenorphine as prescribed. They abused it and also traded it, or sold it for money to get other drugs. I'm not saying your bf will do that, but there is always the possibility. Therefore I think the methadone would be a better option and they should start with the lowest dose possible. Cocaine and heroin are both terrible drugs. I think if your bf continues to use either you would be better off to simply end the relationship. You have to set boundaries for yourself and he needs to see that you are serious. That could be a wakeup call for him. You never know.
  • @LonelySummer... I can't speak to the Suboxone/methadone issue, although it does seem strange if he's never been addicted to opiates. Question: Is his doctor an addiction specialist? Just curious.

    As far as your saying he does his best when you're both off work and together all day... I get that, but that's an incredible amount of pressure that you're putting on yourself. You can't be with him 24/7/365. If he gets into "trouble" when he's alone, then he needs to figure out how NOT to get in trouble when he's alone. Because staying clean and sober is HIS responsibility, not yours. I actually think the best thing would be to detach from him so that he's forced to learn to be sober on his own. He needs to do it without using you as a crutch. And you need to give yourself some freedom, too. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. His addiction is HIS. He needs to deal with it on his own. You may feel like you can't take the time you spend together away; but I think you can't afford not to. For both your sakes.

    Sorry if that sounds harsh. It's just my opinion. By staying around, I think you're setting yourself to be overwhelmed and hurt. And I think @tiredmom is right: There are so many other guys out there who could provide you with a calmer, more peaceful relationship. Being around someone who constantly has you holding your breath is not healthy for you. Not physically or emotionally.
  • @DeanD everything you say makes sense but it is so very hard to watch the love of your life destroy himself and leave him to be on his own. I have known him for five years, this past year has been overwhelming but it's so painful to let go after all this time and especially because when he is sober he is still very much the man I fell in love with. I have been reading lots and set more boundaries but just still feel helpless when I see that the substitute therapy they suggested he starts is actually making things worse and this newest methadone suggestion is even more ridiculous! The clinic he goes to keeps changing doctors so I don't think they are experienced
  • @LonelySummer... He should find an addiction specialist and consult with them. That's is the best advice I can give. You can find an addiction specialist in your area by searching by zip code on the American Society of Addiction Medicine's website:

    https://asam.ps.membersuite.com/directory/SearchDirectory_Criteria.aspx

    If he doesn't have insurance, find a way to pay out-of-pocket. Addiction specialists are thoroughly trained in all aspects of addiction and know way more than any normal doctor. This could be a matter of life and death for him, so he needs to see an expert.

  • @DeanD that's the problem, we are in Europe and addiction specialists are impossible to find. He has insurance and he'd be willing to pay too but all the doctors we have been to so far...one of them was a psychiatrist specialised in addiction ...was to suggest substitute therapy even though he was never really addicted to opiates. And since he has been on buprenorphine...end of August, first three months were okay, life seemed to get back to normal but past month has been worse than anything ever before. So i suppose the therapy is not working as it should...and he says the same thing...says going to that clinic every day just keeps reminding him of drugs and everything he wants to leave behind. Well...when he told the doctor this story, she suggested methadone which he declined thank god.
  • Where in Europe are you, @LonelySummer?
  • @DeanD in Slovenia...it's a really tiny country with only a few addiction specialists. The whole system seems to rely on substitute therapy, which in my opinion in this case made the disease worse. I've started looking for treatments abroad too but so far I haven't found any viable options.
  • There is a possibility that he has used more heroin than you know of. It could be why the doctors think he should be on the substitute med. If he really wants off of the drugs he can start to wean down until eventually he is off of them. He should talk about that with the doctor and at least have a game plan. If it were me I would be furious that he started using heroin in the first place! He already had one addiction. And if it is as bad as you tell us in your country and there are not a whole lot of options and help available I fear this is not going to something that is easy. It's never easy when there are 100 options. And you need to remember you are not his babysitter. If you live your life running around making sure he doesn't get into trouble, you're going to eventually wear out. If you really think about it and what you said, that it's when he is alone he gets in trouble, well that is the kind of thing that happens to a 5 year old. If he gets in trouble that is his problem not yours. He has to learn to get by and do the right things on his own. Everything @DeanD said is 100% correct. I know this is hard and I feel bad for you. I deal with the same type of thing.
  • I'm sorry there's such a shortage of addiction doctors there, @LonelySummer. Perhaps looking in other nearby countries will turn up something. I will keep praying for you guys.
  • @LonelySummer glad you are doing some research. i pray something comes your way that works for you!!
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