Thank you all!

Hey everyone! Just wanted to say how much I have appreciated all of your support and advice since joining this forum. I am on day 7, and feeling so confident that I can continue staying clean. I am staying one more night at my parents’ because we had a pretty big snow fall again, and it’s going to continue through the evening... well I also have a date tonight :smiley: I haven’t dated since my relapse in January and I am quite excited to get back to how things were when I was clean. He seems like a nice guy (who is driving 45 minutes to come meet me) and my vibe has gone back up the last few days which hasn’t happened Since before Christmas.
Just wanted you all to know how much you have helped Me and the words « Thank you » don’t even come close to my appreciation
  • 27 Commentsby Likes|Date
  • ❤️ You sounds good!! Keep it up! Have fun on your date and be safe!
  • Thanks @SalTheGalFromCal I had a really nice time! He picked me up and we went for food & then he dropped me off. I am doing great and I am even more motivated to stay clean! I also will be looking into counselling as @dominica has suggested because I think it’s important i work on the underlying issues so I can continue with my recovery & stay clean long term. :)
  • @blueorchid woohoo! congrats on day 7!! that's truly wonderful and i'm so happy you feel good about it b/c it's a beautiful thing!

    glad your date went well. :)

    glad you'll look into counseling too. doing the work to get at those underlying conditions now can free your mind and emotions up for a much better life... without substance abuse!

    proud of you <3
  • Thanks so much @dominica I am proud too!
    It’s snowing still and I’m headed back to my city shortly but I’m feeling great so I am confident I can abstain and not relapse.
    I applied for counselling online last night and should be contacted within the next few days. Depending on your income, the few may be minimal or free so I am excited to hear back from them shortly :)
  • @blueorchid snow? oh, i don't miss those days :)

    great about counseling! i think that will help so much. you really are doing this!

    know that you are worth it... and you're really making some changes for a better life. see yourself with the kind of life you want. daydream about it... how you want to feel... things you want to be doing... think about it, feel it, and see it...

    it helps!
  • @blueorchid - Rock on!!!! Great to hear...Day 8 - that’s wonderful. We’re in your corner - whenever you need to confront a monster, just ZMASH ZMASH ZMASH it and make the next right choice!

  • Thank you @dominica & @HulkZmash (that made me laugh a bit).

    My first counselling appt is on Thursday and because of my work being contract and not having steady employment, I will pay $38 a session.

    Yes snow, I’m up in Alberta, Canada so it can literally snow every month and usually spring still brings winter-like weather.
  • Good for you @blueorchid!!
    Excellent news all around, you can do this!!
  • @blueorchid great about counseling! that's affordable and i bet will be so valuable for you!

    i hope you have a wonderful Wednesday!!

  • So happy to hear that everything is going well for you, @blueorchid. You deserve it! Keep doing the next right thing and know that we are all behind you 100 percent!
  • Was hoping to get a laugh B) great news! Happy for you!
  • I am feeling embarrassed and ashamed... I guess with the positive aspect of support & praise here, there is also the accountability which typing it out now is actually quite difficult. I know it’s really myself I let down when I give in, but I feel like I let everyone else down and I know it’s not productive to feel guilty for my relapse, I still do. At least I have my counselling appt today (excited & scared because I made a list of things and am hoping to b as transparent as I can for the first time in therapy).
    I knew there was a chance this would happen. I visited with a friend then neighbours of my buddy who is in jail said I could pop by if I wanted cuz they wanted to know how he is. I was going there the next morning to drop off a bit of money to his landlord that he owed so I could have waited to say hi. I knew going at night was setting myself up for failure. I had a good time visiting but I shouldn’t have put myself in a situation when I was feeling vulnerable. I been stressing about him n trying to be helpful yet it’s weighing on me. I know I need to take care of me first I just have difficult time with this concept. I used to only ever feel ok when I was being praised and seeked out validation by over doing it to try n make others happy or help them.
    Tired but my head is spinning. My post is long enough I guess I just feel like I have a lot to say because I actually went through a whole thought process... sitting there and it was offered to me, and I hesitated for a moment because I thought of you guys and how I really didn’t want to come online to admit to all of u I f*cked up my # of days again. I know you will support me and i am recognizing and understanding myself better everyday. And I especially have been learning things I didn’t even think about like @dominica you talking about love addiction. I so often was with someone because of how I seeked approval, enabled them, and let them verbally & mentally abuse me rather than fight back because I didn’t want to upset them and the thought of being alone terrified me. I also wondered if I was a sex addict until this past Sept I was able to abstain and was celibate for over 3 months... but then as I type that I wonder if that’s just another one of my addictions that if I put my mind to, can manage and abstain... but then when temptation is waved in front of me I can often barely resist. I guess I should bring that up with my therapist also.
    Well i think my eyes are heavy enough and I wrote out most of what was on repeat in my mind. Have a great day

    Oh one other thing. I used to hate being labelled the “hero” or “eldest child of an alcoholic”... just read it now and that’s totally me!
  • Try not to feel embarrassed or ashamed, @blueorchid. We are all human beings, and none of us is perfect. Thank God! I hope the appointment with your counselor goes well today.

    @HulkZmash... This is for you: :D
  • @DeanD thank you! I guess I’ve just used in secret so long that I have only really had myself to be accountable to... it feels good having support however it makes it more real to admit I relapsed to you all, not just myself. I knew I was choosing to use when I did it, so I need to get to the place where I don’t want to, and if in a situation where it is offered or around that I would rather decline than accept. I’m almost there.
    I am sure my appt will go well... I do however have one concern that will possibly force me to stay quiet about an important issue. In Canada we have no statute of limitations for indictable offenses... so say hypothetically I spoke with her about something and some how it became known outside, legally my file with her could be used against me regardless of how much time has passed and her oath regarding secrecy... I will bring it up to her anyway however it has been on my mind and i feel it’s important for my recovery to be open about everything.
  • @blueorchid hey there! thanks for being so transparent with us. it does help to have at least one person to let it all out..the good, not-so-good, and so on. (and still be cared about)

    i think it's tough for some to realize this recovery path... it's a journey. there's no grand destination you're going to wake up and find that you've arrived at. it's a day in, day out kind of thing.... and for recovering addicts, yes, sometimes (many times), a relapse or two (or more) occurs. esp. in early recovery.

    remember... your brain has made so many neural connections between drugs and the feeling...the high or whatever. the dopamine hit!! the stronger that dopamine hit, the stronger that connection becomes... the brain is kinda wired like that - it likes dopamine... a lot...

    SO, this recovery path you're learning... look at you sitting there thinking about "do i use? do i not use? what about my tribe in the forum? will they still be there? ??? will this? will that?"

    that ambivalence (mixed feelings)'s a normal part of the change process!! two months ago you wouldn't have been thinking those things... two months from now you might not be putting yourself in such situations anymore....

    my point is that recovery from drug addiction is a process...a path..a journey. you might have urges every once in a while ten years from now... but you might not! :) every person is different.

    so, great you spoke the truth. you're not using the "slip" as license to go off the deep end. you know "managing" the addiction won't work for you. so it's learning tools, techniques, skills that will keep you from using.... and counseling will help with a lot. (the codependency stuff too!)

    stay in touch. we've all "slipped" when trying to make a change in life. so we don't judge you...we uplift you and remind you of your intent to discover a better way to live...and continue to grow and learn..and heal anything that needs healed. you know, to feel better about yourself and have a better quality of life.

  • @dominica thank you so much! It’s funny, ironic not funny haha, I knew I wouldn’t be judged by you but it still made me feel sheepish coming out and typing it for you to read anyway. I guess it’s my self judgement because I know what I need to do and I really haven’t had this type of difficulty besides Fentanyl (but that’s physical dependence so it’s not quite a comparison like apples vs oranges). I am stubborn and do things my way, so if I want something I make it happen. That’s why I know therapy is important right now because yes there is the dopamine factor when quitting but that’s not really it... I recognize that by my using again I am not 100% into stopping so then it’s a matter of why! When I was younger I woulda said because I like the feeling and I enjoy getting high. Now I know even if it was like that to begin with, that’s no longer my reality and so I need to figure out what’s actually going on that is making me submissive to a substance.

    I have done a huge amount of inner work over the past 9 months but I think there is still more there needing exploration.

    Lol I guess my phone doesn’t like hearts cuz it makes my message disappear if it’s before other writing
  • @blueorchid no judgment from us. Hope your day was good, and you weren’t too hard on yourself. Tempting Situations are too easy to come by. You’ll get to where you want to be, just keep at it. ❤️
  • @blueorchid - hope the appt was valuable to you and glad you came back in here and laid out what had happened. Keep working on the solution and you’ll get there!
  • Thanks @SalTheGalFromCal & @HulkZmash

    My appointment was good just went way too fast (like always especially the first session). It’s a teaching clinic which is why they can charge on a sliding scale based on income. I am happy to help and the lady I saw is finishing up her doctorate so I didn’t have any reservations regarding her competence. I’m a good test subject for her I think lol just giving background of my immediate family is kinda complicated but relevant so I was amused. I even felt comfortable bringing up the topics I was apprehensive to discuss and she made me satisfied that I made the correct choice to open up about everything. :)
  • @blueorchid well that is wonderful! so glad you went and liked your counselor.

    thanks for sharing about your experience here. i am a firm advocate for therapy, so super glad you are going.... i do believe it will help so much!

    hugs and have a good weekend! <3
  • Yay! Thanks @blueorchid for sharing your experiences - glad it went well and was insightful! Happy weekend - stay strong!
  • @blueorchid great news!! Glad to hear you sound good too. Have a good Saturday! ❤️
  • Good for you @blueorchid ! How fortunate, too, are you to get such professional advice and counsel on a sliding scale! Yes, the first 1 or 2 sessions are where baselines can be obtained and move so very fast. Future ones will bring it together, I hope. You seem to have a great attitude!
    Bravo! For not giving in to the "slip".
    Last year, I was a couple months without pain pills, when I discovered a "stash" in one of my drawers! I caved! NOT using them would be "drug abuse", I said to myself! Well, the joke was on me! Once those were gone (about 12 pills) I did not seek more and tried to pick up where I was, before the slip!

    In my prayers o:)
  • Thank you @dominica @HulkZmash @SalTheGalFromCal

    And @Goodtr8s thank you as well. I totally get how you would cave. I had gone about 5 months without doing Fentanyl pills until a girl who owed me money offered either to send me some or money... well what can i say, i didn’t get her to send the money. I haven’t done them since but I sure enjoyed them again... hope you are doing well and not seeking them still :)
  • @blueorchid... We love and care about you. Hope you're doing okay, my friend.
  • Thank you @DeanD things are going pretty good right now! Had a really nice weekend and feeling good about this coming week. Have some work, a date, therapy all this week :)
  • That's wonderful, @blueorchid! I hope things continue to go well for you!
Sign In or Register to comment.