Need advice for helping a loved one

Im new here, and I figured I'd post something and see where it goes. Some background on my situation...

My boyfriend and I met about 5 years ago and hit it off. It was wild, drinking, drugs, lots of fun. We lost our place to stay eventually due to drama out of our control, and after living with my family sober, my bf had a mental breakdown and did disastrous things. I basically saved his life and got him to Ca to his family who was supposed to help us get back on our feet. Little did I know that they were drug users themselves and they helped my bf get re-addicted to meth. So now I'm stuck in a house of 3 addicted people who have been spiraling down this rabbit hole and holding us down from doing better. I'm at my wit's end trying to help my bf get off the drug. I drive him to a methadone clinic every morning, and I'm the one working full time taking care of him, helping with bills, buying what we and the house needs etc. Im broke almost all the time being asked to cough up cash for the family (we don't pay rent but i make up for it with the list above) but I can't stand being a co-addict anymore and I've become cold towards them all. I'm trying to push my bf to get a job, and push him into becoming clean (he uses about once a week, he fights the feeling but eventually breaks and won't admit he has an addiction, because he believes he uses it as a "medicine" for his mental issues). I've been only reading articles recently about the need for boundaries and consequences, and teaching myself about being a "co-addict", where I'm too guilty or worried to just up and leave because it'll hurt this family I've spent 5 years of my life with. Am I wrong to suddenly give him a cold shoulder, show what I feel is tough love, and argue with him when he does something I don't like? He doesn't do anything unless I nag at him, write it down, or take control and force him to do anything. He's almost 30, I'm 25, and I feel like I'm raising a child that once a week does one of the worst drugs out there lol i broke up with him last week and stayed at a friend's house for 2 nights to show him how serious I am about my feelings, but when I came back (I couldn't stay longer as the car isn't mine) he swept it all under the rug and said I'm being a mean bitch for asking him not to touch me or not saying I love you back.

I'm so confused and hurt and worried and I don't want to hurt him, but I'm so ready to call it quits again with how laid back he is about my feelings with his choice of "medicine"... He's so loyal and nice to me and has never hurt me. He just hurts himself and I can't stand seeing it. His excuses about being around his addict parents are old to me now. He seems to try to get jobs when I'm around but when i ask him to go to NA with me he says its a good idea BUT changes the subject IMMEDIATELY if i tell him i think he's addicted and he wont say those words to me. Ugh. Am I missing something with how to help him stop?
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  • Or i guess a better word would be co-dependant instead of co-addict maybe? I have an almost 30 YO man completely dependant on me, and his family rely on me to give them money sometimes. I'm no angel, I've done my fair share of alcohol and drugs, and have partaken in things to make me distracted from my problems awhile ago, and not "see" what everyone else is doing. But I knew it was wrong and had the willpower to decide to stop everything. I understand they can't help it because they think it makes them feel better, yet they're destroying the house they rent, and putting so much onto me since I'm the normal sober one. I feel so used, and unable to do what I want.... *Shrug* my coworker and his family have decided to open their house to me and give me the freedom and ability to fix myself and get away from this family, but the guilt of leaving this family to their own devices scares me. It's dumb to pass up this opportunity to save myself, but I'm not the kind of person to do something this "selfish"... I wanna leave them but i DON'T wanna leave them. Argh.
  • @Melissa1992 hey there! welcome and thanks for reaching out. congrats on your sobriety and wanting to do something better with your life... very proud of you for that me dear!

    i understand codependency very well, and journeyed through it myself years ago.. it sounds like you're doing some learning on the topic, which is great. you're already on the journey toward freedom, and being here is affirmation of that....

    i'd say continue to learn about recovery from codependency. being with an addict or in that environment can be challenging. we all know that. for the one who has codependent characteristics, there's the pull to "fix", "caretake" enable, people-please, control, and so on... my journey taught me how to fix "ME"...and focus less on fixing my partner. i was insecure, had never dealt with some old wounds from childhood, was petrified of being abandoned, and felt like i would be a BAD PERSON if i left a toxic relationship. like i was that mean b*tch that your bf talked about...

    but i learned i'm not a bad person. i'm not mean at all. in fact, i give TOO MUCH to the point that it's unhealthy if i'm not careful...and i say that to tell you that you are not a bad person... you are not mean...and you are not being selfish to want out of a toxic relationship where your partner does not want to make the effort to get clean AND work through things WITH you....

    that's not selfishness; that's called "self-care" and you have every right to exercise that today, tomorrow, and every day after. WHAT YOU WANT AND NEED MATTERS... and that's what i had to learn. I'M WORTHY. and so are you.

    i went to codependents anonymous and Nar-anon and worked through the 12 Steps with a sponsor. That got me focusing on ME...and my life. my wants. my needs. my insecurities (why would i stay in a freaking horrible relationship with someone who would not make the effort?)

    i went to counseling. it was a process...and it took me several years to do's progress i was after..

    should you go or leave? that's up to you... but know that if you do, that's not being selfish. he's a grown man and he is fully responsible for his life. you didn't' cause the addiction, you can't control it, and YOU can't fix it.

    does this mean you don't love or care about him? nope. it means you love and care about your well being and his.... but you are not his savior.

    the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie helped me a lot. I'm also reading now Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. I don't advise everyone just up and leave or detach from their loved ones who are struggling with addiction... b/c that's not unconditional love.... but there may be a time when things are out of control or some sort of abuse is going on... or something...and then big decisions need to be made.

    whatever you decide, think about processing this time with a counselor or support group...or here :) we are here to listen and encourage you no matter what. we're not trained therapists...but some of us have been in similar shoes and we're super good at affirming and encouraging.... just know you're not alone...

    does this help?
  • @dominica yes thank you! I was hoping i could have someone reach out that has gone through some sort of relatable experience. Thank you again! With all the reading I've done that book keeps popping up and its in my amazon wishlist! Im very excited to know that this forum is still active. I definately have a lot of questions. I've already gotten opinions from coworkers/friends, and the family i live with, i think its my "Libra" drive that wants all different viewpoints and advice while i weigh my options.

    Right now what I'm dealing with (if you don't mind me throwing this question) is my feelings of being an enabler in almost a forced/talked into way. I ask my bf not to do drugs which he is trying finally (his depression/anxiety, "pain", and attitude comes out during this)... But then suddenly when I give him my card to buy one thing, he walks out with beer too and got insulted when I told him to ask permission next time cuz I don't feel he should do that either. He's complaining that I shouldn't be taking EVERYTHING away from him, and he didn't plan on getting drunk. His argument is he needs to get out of the house and away from his parents (who are the ones who buy and do drugs, and I can't respectfully try to stop them, I know I have no control there). He also mentioned today, since his dad rage quit his job last week (and thinks he can survive on his retirement and SS if he suddenly demands $400-600 rent from us aka Me lol) his dad is 3ish months behind rent, i know in my gut that amount won't fix that issue and I'm worried that some of it will go to stupid things like expensive dog treats, THEIR groceries they don't share with us, maybe the pawn shop, and most importantly, more drugs. But my bf argues that because I have a free roof over my head, I shouldn't question where the money goes to... Have you personally dealt with that kind of struggle? What did you do or say? Is this the kind of thing that I should leave behind and get out of?
  • @Melissa1992... Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing with us. I'm sorry that you're going through this with your boyfriend. That said, I'm happy that you found us and reached out. And I'm proud of you for being sober!

    @dominica has already given you some excellent advice, insight, and resources. I echo everything she said. One question I have, though: Why does your boyfriend go to a methadone clinic? If he's addicted to meth, why is he using methadone, which is something used to eliminate cravings for opioids.

    The books Dominica recommended--Codependent No More and Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change--are both fantastic. Definitely pick up copies of those and read them. I think they'll really help you navigate your way through things you're going through and feeling.

    We are here for you, my friend. You can lean on us anytime you need to for help, support, or just a place to vent. In the meantime, I'm sending you lots of love, light, and hope. And I will say a prayer for you and your boyfriend, too.

  • @Melissa1992 i have not dealt with something like that. you're in a tough spot... not sure i can give you solid advice... i do think you have a right to request how you want YOUR money to be spent... don't expect him to like you setting boundaries. he won't....and he will prob have a reaction... try not to take it personal :) you're taking care of you.

    are you willing to attend a support group? al-anon? nar-anon? cod. anony.? you could probably get some great insight there and face to face support can be very nice.... you can check online for meetings in your area...

    do you have anyone else you talk to for support???
  • @DeanD he goes to the methadone clinic every day because he said that it helps with his other mental issues he believes he has; ie anxiety and bipolar. He recently had a doctor prescribe him xanax to take when he has an anxiety attack, but i have yet to see if he has used it, I've never asked him. Usually what happens is the methadone makes him sleep all day, so by the end of the week hes sick of sleeping and turns to meth.

    @dominica i have mentioned us going to a na anon to talk, he said it would probably be good, but when i asked him to state outloud that hes an addict, he refused and changed the subject.
  • Also i do talk to one of my coworkers intimately, shes the one who took me in for two nights when i flipped last week after a big argument when my bf wasn't sober.
  • @Melissa1992 if he's willing to attend a meeting..that would be something that could help him get some insight... i doubt he would want to admit to YOU that he is an addict.... it's very hard to admit that to loved ones.... and he might not think he is entirely an least not yet.
  • @Melissa1992 Step back from your situation, go back and read your initial post again, as if it wasn't you who wrote it. Look at it very objectively. What would you tell that woman to do...and why aren't you doing it?
    I may be a little more pessimistic (or realistic) than others here, but there is no indication anything is going to change with your boyfriend. So, what you have to ask yourself is if you can live with the way things are, because you don't have the power to change them. If it's yes, keep on living. If it's no, make changes, then keep on living.
    What would YOU like to happen? And by that, I don't mean, "I'd like the BF to... I'd like his family to..." You don't control those people. You control you. I'm all for the optimistic "break the cycle" stuff but you've got two generations of data there. It might save you a lot of pain and a lot of time to objectively figure out how this movie ends, and if you want to keep having a supporting role.
  • @JoshuaShea thank you, your viewpoint blew me away. If i was looking at my situation from outside, id say RUN GIRL RUN!! Like all my friends do. Yesterday I got paid, and his dad sent my bf to my workplace to get money, because his dad wants rent from us now. So POOF, there went $200 (he originally wanted $300 every payday). And apparently, as i feared, it didnt do crap to help with important things like bills, gas, food, or backpay rent... It went to drugs for the whole family! Whoopee!! :(

    As I'm typing this, I found out my bf used again. I came home from work to papers all over the floor, garage tools on the table, my nightstand table opened and riffled through, my charger missing, and a messy bed full of more tools, clothes and junk. Hes in the shower now, probably hoping to "sober up" before I got home. Id tell this woman that she doesnt deserve this stress this family puts on her directly and indirectly. The changes I want all pertain to them, and the better choices I know they could make, or at least my boyfriends choices. Which is exactly what you said NOT to think. I can't even cry, or be angry, or feel ANYTHING anymore when I see things like this.

    I want to be happy. I want to come home to a made bed, a clean room, drink my diet pepsi, chat about my work day, and watch my Netflix shows. I want to finally be able to get taxes back, drive my own LEGAL car, have two million fur blankets wrapped around me like a Viking princess. Not asked if I'm a cop, if I'm secretly some in-home assisted living worker, interrogated on how to fix a "hacked" tablet and what every single app does and if its "fake".
    @DeanD i also asked nicely about the xanax he was prescribed this morning when he was sober. He said they were all gone already because all day is an anxiety attack for him so he's out for 10 days. Smh.

    @dominica i wish he would admit it to me. How can he agree to going to a meeting (probably lied about that) then turn around and can't admit it to one person. After tonight, now that he used, I don't even want to ask him to go to it anymore. I know he will wiggle out of it somehow. So now he's high again, what do I give him as a consequence for this? Should I threaten to break up with him? This is the only thing I know I can do to scare him, I know he loves me and he's loyal and nice to me. Maybe I'll give him a cold shoulder tonight and wait til hes sober in a day or two THEN come up with something? I literally feel soooo done...
  • @Melissa1992 only speaking for me, IF it were me, i'd say something to the effect of "if this and this and this does not happen in this amount of time, this relationship is over. i will leave and get MY life together." plenty of deal breakers for me. but see, if you say things like that, you've got to follow through. have boundaries. keep them. it's not about punishing...more about you doing what is best for you...what you want and need matters. and him being loyal and nice to you is not enough to sustain a toxic relationship.

    i know you feel so done. rightly so. but the reality is even if you tell him you'll leave, and even if you leave, he may very well keep using.
  • @Melissa1992 I've heard your story from so many people, on both sides of the equation. Everybody always knows in their heart what has to happen. You have to leave. If the suggestion of @dominica of taking a stand makes sense for you to do, do it, but nothing is ever going to change with that family. Addicts say what they need to say for desired results. You taking a stand will fall on deaf ears and they'll appear to listen/comply just to the point that they're still getting what they want.

    Once you're gone, a new woman will be in your place in short order. They need an enabler and you fill the role. Without your money and care, they will have decisions to make. In a strange way, leaving that family could be the healthiest thing you do for not only yourself, but them.

    What would happen if they kicked you out RIGHT NOW? Where would you go? Who would you see? Where would you seek help? What will your finances allow? It could be rough, but you know you'll survive. You know you'll get back up and build something different, better for yourself. You know you'll eventually find someone who is a more suitable mate with a family you want to share Thanksgiving with. You'll get the Netflix and Viking princess blanket fantasies (though you may want to see a therapist to figure out what that's about :smile: ) and you'll look back on this series of events and thank God that they kicked you out because your life got so much better after it happened.

    Except, they're not going to kick you out. You have to kick yourself out. And that's the hard part, but you seem like a strong woman with a brain and plenty of energy. Imagine if you turned all the strength and energy toward yourself. You'd not only be fine, you'd be great.
  • @JoshuaShea @dominica i decided to go home and tell my bf how i feel. If he immediately starts going to NA anon or the hospital/doctor, I will stay and help. If he doesn't or his family decides to uproot and move into the middle of countryland two hours away, then I'm going leave them and stay with my friend.
    Okay so unfortunately i wrote the first half before I came home from work. As im typing this minute, it seems my bf is too incoherent to talk to. There's no point saying anything to him at this time because he can't even put together a sentence. He's distracted by digging through his safe and asking me what these "new" papers are that he doesn't recognize from years ago. Anytime i want to do something important it seems i get stuck. And the process starts again.

    Thank you all I know now that I gotta leave. I can't let this relationship keep going. The way I'm writing i feel i may seem extra dramatic but getting my feelings out AS its happening in real time has REALLY been a great outlet for me. Especially since im better at writing words then saying them when I'm emotional.

    @dominica "him being loyal and nice to you is not enough to sustain a toxic relationship. " That hit me ssooooo hard. Not in a bad way, but in a reality check kinda way. Thats literally my biggest struggle. Ugh
  • Oh also, on a lighter note, i wanna say that im just obsessed with my realistic fur blankets because of my love of medieval times, viking culture, and other nerdy things... The family I live with cannot STAND my blankets and my bf made me put most of my favorite ones in a bucket in another room cuz he doesn't like them. So hence why I said i want to be able to have all my things with me, as few as they are. Lol sorry
  • @Melissa1992... I missed a lot of posts, but I want you to know that I agree with what @dominica and @JoshuaShea have said. You have to remember that YOUR life is the most important one. When I read your post about your BF coming to your job to get money from you--and then reading that he spent your money on drugs for the whole family--that got me thinking about Einstein's definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

    I don't think your boyfriend is going to change. And I think all those things you mentioned that would make you happy are things you truly deserve. So maybe it's just time to move on.

    I'm glad you've been able to use this forum as an outlet for your feelings. Writing about things like this while you're going through them can be so cathartic.

    We're here for you, my friend.

    Sending you love, light, and hope. <3
  • @DeanD thank you. In my heart i dont think he will change either. The other night when i decided to go home and lay out my plan to him and found out he got high again, it hurt. He argued back and went in circles, and cocked his head and looked at me like I was an idiot when I told him I think he's addicted. I decided to just stick it out and not talk to him about anything since I was stuck there for the night and he was unable to have a real conversation, and bring it up again when he was sober. It took til Today for him to be back at 100% and hes begging me not to go. He SAYS he realizes he needs help. It's so much easier to decide to leave and break up when he's high, but when he's sober and recognizes what he's done it's SO much harder for me. I'm looking up NA meetings in my area while he's doing counselling at the methadone clinic. Meanwhile he has swept everything under the rug again like I never got mad, telling me he loves me and misses me (I'm around him 24/7 but I set boundaries of not touching me so I guess that's driving him crazy)... He claims he's not going to do it again, and because the landlord finally sent a plumber to fix the house we're renting it'll solve his mental and "health" issues which is what he says is the "outside force" that makes him use... He wants another chance but that's another 3-5 days of awkwardness and waiting for me to see if he fails. Meanwhile my coworkers family that offered to take me in and help me is patiently waiting for me to tell them whats happening but that window of time IS closing, they can't be on standby forever.
  • Tough situation for sure, @Melissa1992. My heart aches for you. I pray that you will figure out what is best for YOU. In my opinion, even if you want to give him another chance, I think it would be best to step away from things for a while. Maybe staying somewhere else for a while would be a wake-up call for your boyfriend. Tell him you're going to give him a chance, but that you need some space to work on yourself, too. Just a thought.

    Sending you more love and hope. And lots and lots of strength.
  • @Melissa1992 i second what dean has suggested, and get yourself some support... whether that's online or a group like al-anon or nar-anon.
  • Well, i have an update for today. I successfully brought my boyfriend to a NA meeting tonight. I had to kinda strong arm him into going, he was hesitant at first and tried to play it off and "go next week". We went and it was nice hearing other people that struggled with addiction and relating their life with his... I kinda wish he participated, but he's apparently done these meetings before and knew what was going on and didn't want to. I kmow it was the first time there and he was uncomfortable for him as he doesn't consider himself an addict, but at least he went. He was surprised at the end when volunteers wrote down their numbers for him already, and got a hug from a random young guy. Haha
    Anyways, I still have my reservations about him, my trust isn't completely back, and I still have my boundaries up, but I'm a little more relaxed and ready now because of this. The real test is if he uses in the next few days, or decides to call someone.

    He kinda cut me off when I tried to say this to him, (he said not to ruin his good mood) but now that I have brought him to NA, I know in my heart I have done everything I can try for him now. If this doesn't work, like if he doesn't go back, and decides to use again, I will leave him. My gut tells me that I won't have as much guilt now about leaving if it happens. I've literally have tried everything. So fingers crossed.
  • @Melissa1992... That's awesome that you got him to go to an NA meeting. Good for you! And you're right: I think you've done pretty much everything you can to try and help him. He has to make some good decisions now. Remember what Nar-Anon and Al-Anon teach us about our loved one's addiction: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

    I will cross my fingers along with you. And I'm sending you and your boyfriend positive vibes and lots of hope.
  • @Melissa1992 that's very good news! thank you for sharing!
  • Update: he used again :(

    He says he didn't, but when I came home from work he hid away in a different room all night and showed the usual signs that he did it. I think he didn't do as much as he usually does, but in my mind it didn't matter... I got set off when I asked him to tell me the truth and he refused, saying he was sober. He pulled the "look, im calm, and you're the one yelling! Why are you overreacting? You're wrong and you're making things up" he tried to make me feel crazy and believe his lie. But I don't believe him.

    I opened up fully to a coworker and his parents and sent them the link to this forum (the family who said i could come live with them and they'd help me) and they went ahead and ordered me the "codependency no more" book without telling me. I may or may not have broke down about that simple gift (there was something in my eye I swear! Lol) this book has been awesome, I've been literally highlighting sentences that resonate with me and my feelings with one color, and the advice with another color and answering the end of chapter questions.

    Meanwhile, my boyfriend has sobered up and is pretending nothing has happened... Again. He keeps trying to touch me and show me affection, but I'm just so angry, disappointed, and bitter I freeze and shake him off. I think I'm ruining my own feelings about our relationship. He even said he thinks I'm being this way to make it easier so I can leave him. He may be right about that. I sarcastically argued about how I'm such a monster and he's right that he's always the victim, not me. Probably shouldn't have done that. I slept in a different room and i think I'll continue to sleep in there.
  • @Melissa1992... I'm sorry, my friend. I know it's not easy to be going through what you are. But, as I've said before, you can't control or cure your boyfriend. That's just the unfortunate truth. The only person you CAN control is you. So you should put your efforts into making YOUR life better. It's really the most important thing you can do.

    I'm so glad your friend gave you the Codependent No More book. They obviously really care about you. And that's a wonderful thing. I'm also glad you've been reading the book, and that it's been helping you. It really is a gem of a book, isn't it?

    Please take good care of yourself. Your life matters, too, my dear. And you deserve to be happy and healthy, both physically and emotionally.

    Remember that we're here for you, okay? Anytime you need us. <3
  • @Melissa1992 it's rough going through this, i know.... not fair... i'm super glad you have some supportive friends and family members... that helps a lot.

    that book helped me a lot too.... glad you are reading it. yes, take care of you. you're not crazy...and you don't have to go around walking on egg shells any longer. set your boundaries...and keep them. this is what it is to practice proud of you for doing this. i understand it's not easy..for sure.

    know that we are here for you to listen and share anytime..thanks for the update!
  • @Melissa1992... Just want you to know that I'm thinking about you today and sending you lots of positive juju. And hope. And hugs.
  • Well, heres kind of an update.

    My boyfriends father is making more financial mistakes and procrastinating with finding a new home. He basically told his wife and steve they can just go move in with her parents or something, like that's not going to cause any issues. He won't go back to work, so her medical issues will be worse now that she lost his insurance. Yet I still don't see anyone really FIGHTING to figure out what to do or taking control of the situation. We got a 3 day notice to contact the landlord about the 3-4 months rent we apparently owe. We will all probably be forced to split up now anyways, with the lack of common sense and low funds.

    I got a bonus at work on my latest paycheck, and I haven't told anyone that I got it. I hid it in my savings account and I hope it can stay there! So I may just be going to stay at my coworkers, but my boyfriend is insistent that we stay in a relationship. There's so much going on that I don't want to argue or talk about things anymore.
  • @Melissa1992, Please take care of yourself. Sometimes the best support you can give a person is to leave them to hit rock bottom and let them figure it out on their own. The longer you stay in a toxic environment, the more run down you will become and the harder it will be to have the confidence in yourself to leave. I say this, not in judgement, but from experience. Painful, expensive and excruciating experience. Most people who are in the midst of their addiction will not respect any boundaries you set. When we use, we are liars and manipulators. Whatever it takes to keep a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs and the poison flowing through our body. I am aware I most likely sound harsh, however this is a harsh subject. I have been on both ends of the rope. I have finally acknowledged that the only person I can do anything about is me. I have also learned that people treat us how we allow them to treat us. And generally how we allow them to treat us is a reflection of our we feel about ourselves. When you stay in a toxic environment, you begin to feel toxic. I'm not telling you to leave, I just want to be sure that you are aware of what you are doing to yourself and to ask yourself it you are really OK with it.
  • @Melissa1992... Sorry things aren't going so great. But congrats on your bonus. I hope you get to hang onto that for YOU. And regardless of what your boyfriend is insisting on, remember that you get to do what YOU want to do. It's your choice, not his!

    @klr6411... Thanks for your insightful words. I think there's a lot in your comment for Melissa to think about.

    Happy Monday to both of you!
  • @DeanD thank you again for caring so much about a stranger. It means the world to me. @klr6411 and yes i agree, that was a point of view I haven't heard much from. Especially since the family i live with refuse to see they are addicted/reliant on bad substances. Sometimes I see and read the stories of other people like me, and their spouse/family member/child is so much worse then what I'm around. He doesn't disappear for days on end, hurt me, cheat on me, or steal. I'm thankful for that. But the way I live and what i have to deal with still isn't normal and i DON'T think that's ok. The emotional whiplash and stresses are too much sometimes. For instance, that 3 day landlord notice to go to court his father got? He was supposed to go today and didn't. They are all not responsible and they all procrastinate, while I want to better myself, be stable, and stay rooted where I am. Pdffft.

    They "found" a house in Chico that they like, but I told him I don't want to move there. His response was sad and kinda silly. Besides, if they move somewhere new, I'm afraid of what their potential issues will be when they cut themselves off from their drugs of choice. Last time steve was 100% sober for too long he had a mental breakdown, spent the last of our money on alcohol, crashed me and the passenger side of the car into a pole, pissed off every neighbor he could to try to fight, and got thrown in jail for a day. (That's when i sacrificed everything to get us on a bus to California and his parents, to uh "get better") obviously that hasn't turned out too well. Lol

    When they move out of this house, I'm moving in with my coworker. I still need to talk to that family again about moving in and what they expect of me. As of now, I'm still apparently in a relationship (more like he's lovey dovey to me, and I'm distant, he's been good for a week so he wants rewards, but any day now im sure his craving will hit, its always on my weekend off work) and i am helping them eventually pack and buying boxes for the next few days. I'm just waiting for the sh*t to hit the fan since my bfs dad didn't go to court. :neutral:
  • @Melissa1992 hey there... sorry things are so rough. i am super glad you can come here and share.... know that you're not alone in trying to contend with such madness.

    good for you for keeping your bonus. it's yours and you earned it.. you deserve it. keep it for YOU.

    yes, check to see what is expected of you at your friend's home. it will feel good to be out of such chaos. might be a bit odd at first, but less chaos will feel great!

    you've got some great insight. and you do deserve a relationship that is stable. and a home that is safe, and peaceful. it's taking some time, but you're taking steps in that direction.

    sure, some people do have it worse...... but bad is bad, and your situation sounds bad to me... and if it were me, i'd be planning my exit strategy as well and go on to create a better life for me.

    thanks for the update.... sending you positive vibes! :)
  • You're very welcome, @Melissa1992. I know what it's like to struggle with a loved one's addiction, so I don't mind caring about and helping others.

    While I'm sorry that things continue to be challenging for you, I think your decision to move into your co-worker's house is an excellent one. It will give you a chance to breathe and clear your head. And to figure out exactly where you want to go from here.

    Always remember that you are a beautiful human being who deserves to be happy and healthy, both physically and emotionally. If someone is keeping you from those things, then you need to separate yourself from them and move forward. Period. Life's too short to be dragged down by someone else.

    Sending you big hugs full of hope. We are here for you. Always.

  • @Melissa1992 . I am very proud of you. Keep up the good work. Is is so easy to stay with what is familiar even if it isn't what is best for us. Please continue to let us know how you are doing.
  • @Melissa1992... How are things going, my friend? Thinking of you today and sending you love, light, and hope.
  • @DeanD its been a rough week or so. He has used twice recently and im still sleeping in a different room. He is still doing the guilt trip/pretend nothing has happened shindig but its losing its potency. The family has finally started packing, but his dad bought a pretty small storage unit and there has been fighting over it. His dad thinks we're trying to "take" it from him so now we can only move his parents stuff in first, but theyve barely packed anything so it's taking forever. They still haven't found a house to move into, but we haven't gotten any eviction notices or sheriffs *yet*... But I'm expecting it any day. His dad has been trying to keep the car keys to himself (yet never driving) so its making it difficult to figure out how im getting to work. Lol

    So it feels like im taking a step back in my progress, because how slow this family is... but i still keep telling my (whatever, kinda?) Boyfriend that im not staying with them and im leaving in april. Its hard to get my feelings across to people who completely seem to forget whats really going on. I feel terrible but im just letting steve think were still together, since he doesn't (want to?) hear how unhappy i am. He keeps trying to act normal, while im torn as hell. every time he tries to touch me i scoot away, i dont say i love you back, and tell him no when he asks me to stay in his bed or move in with his family again. Yet he won't argue with me about it, or ask me why im doing this, or anything. Just immediately goes to the guilt trips and self depreciation stage, "i miss you. Im know its all my fault, im an asshole, i suck, stay wth me, i love you sooo much, youre my favorite person"

  • @Melissa1992 i'm proud of you for standing your ground...and planning your escape so-to-speak. i'm sure it hasn't been easy, and that does stink, but you're looking at the situation in truth...and planning on doing something about your situation in it...

    we're here if you vent or need some support...

  • Know that we're thinking of you and sending you lots of hope and prayers, @Melissa1992. You're in a very difficult situation, but I know there's better things for you on the other side of this. I hope you know that, too. Remember to put yourself first! <3
  • @Melissa1992 hey there! just checking in to see how you're doing... drop in and let us know when you get a chance...
  • Hi @dominica thank you. Im holding on, just focusing on work and waiting for my coworkers parents to come home from their business trip....

    Things are not much different. SSDD but im slowly just getting more frustrated and depressed. The household used again last night and there hasn't been progress on them finding a new home yet. Steve's (I'll call him by his name now, because boyfriend doesn't sound okay to me anymore) father decided to take the keys back from the car i have been borrowing, so now i am back to biking 3 miles to work again. Steve promised that my bike was good to go, and it was a hard bike ride there, i thought maybe i was just THAT outta shape from not biking for a few months but nope... The front tire is flat. Lol he probably didnt really check it.... So i had to walk home and just got here less then 30 minutes ago. It was pitch black outside and NO ONE would answer their phone. When i got inside finally no one really cared what happened to me, i got one monotonous "oh no!". Steve is on my ps4 console looking up stuff on the internet. Which pisses me off since he has ruined every piece of technology he gets his hands on. I asked him to not "research" on my ps4, to only watch netflix etc, but im sure that fell on dead ears. But what am i gonna do? Be a bitch and take my ps4 out of that room and cause a huge fight? Im too tired for that... So now im just locked in the room ive been sleeping in trying not to cry. The couch im on smells bad and it starting to get uncomfortable... Sounds pathetic but it is what it is. I've been trying to read the codependent book, im currently on chapter 12 "learn the art of of acceptance" but these last two or so chapters make me wanna cry too because how much of it rings true. Yet i cant cry, i just have the aching eyes and my chest is filled with some weird sense of doom/anxiety maybe?
  • @Melissa1992 bless it... my heart does feel for you in so many ways.... yet, you're doing're doing what is necessary for YOU to go on to have a good life and surround yourself with healthy people.... very hard right now....but keep your eye on YOUR prize for staying true to YOU...

    gonna leave a good link here to a pretty good article..might help. also, great on reading the book. when i read that book, it hit home too. i was in a toxic relationship...i was unhealthy emotionally and so was my partner. i knew it was toxic and knew i needed to leave, yet wasn't strong enough emotionally...and i hated myself for that...BUT... i kept reading...i studied codependency and i started to reach out for support...went to support group, got a sponsor, and started to learn how to live MY life..not wrap my world around another...

    today is much different for me. much better, and one day it will be for you too!!

    great quote here:

    In Ready to Heal: Women Facing Love, Sex, and Relationship Addiction, Kelly McDaniel advises persons who have just broken off a toxic relationship to lay low, and avoid packing their day with too many activities. She writes:

    The energy it takes to endure withdrawal [to an addictive or toxic relationship] is equivalent to working a full-time job. Truthfully, this may be the hardest work you’ve ever done. In addition to support from people who understand your undertaking, you must keep the rest of your life simple. You need rest and solitude.

    so take rest and refuge on the smelly couch for now :) (i know. i don't like bad smells either and have had my share)

    we are here.... write and comment as you wish. you've got a great support army here cheering for you Melissa!!!

    here's that link:
  • @Melissa1992... I'm sorry that things are still a struggle. Know that I am praying hard for you. I know things will get better for you soon. I can feel it. And I want you to feel it, too. Your time is gonna come, because you deserve to be happier and in a better place.

    Listen to the words @dominica said to you (she is a wise woman!) and read that article she linked to. There's terrific info there. And yes, you have an army here cheering for you!! Never forget that!!
  • @dominica @DeanD

    Thanks for all the kind words. Sorry, ive been working a lot and biking/walking to work has gotten me very exhausted, so i kept forgetting to reply. Speaking of exhaustion, That article @dominica posted was really great. Kinda fits in with how im feeling for sure lol I guess that does explain how im so tired right now, one real full time job, and the full time job at home. But things are looking up. Despite not being allowed to drive, I have met up with the people I'm going to stay with and it's a go here, I'll be moving in on the 10th or 11th with them. I made a breakthrough with Steve. he finally listened to me and understands what i want and accepted me leaving. In a way you could say he "released" me. He still doesn't accept the whole being apart thing and breaking up, but he gets that he would have to work hard on himself to get me back. He feels we should still be in a relationship even if he moves outta town. I cant seem to win at convincing him otherwise but whatever makes him become a better healthier person. We will cross that bridge if we come to it but i firmly let him know i want to be alone and not thinking of anyone else. Its a step in the right direction.
  • @Melissa1992... Sorry you've been exhausted, but it sounds like you are indeed making progress. I'm so happy to hear that! Hopefully you'll get a fresh start and a bit of a "reprieve" when you move on the 10th or 11th. Remember... You are the most important person in your life!!! And we are here for you anytime you might need us for anything.

    Proud of you!!!
  • @Melissa1992 great to hear from you!! on a bright side, you're getting regular exercise ;)

    wonderful news that you get to move out soon! yay!! i think you will be so relieved and yes, have a good atmosphere to continue to work on you. i'm so proud of you for having solid boundaries and recognizing the toxicity of that situation.

    good for you!!

    sometimes the most supportive thing we can do for addicts who don't want to make the effort is make the effort to get and keep ourselves together....lovingly detach and keep it moving. i have a feeling your life will really begin to you stand up for yourself and continue to step into your power.

  • @Melissa1992... Just want you to know that I'm sending you a big batch of positive juju today! Hope you're having a great Tuesday!! :)
  • I'm joining the Melissa fan club. The good folks on here have pretty much covered it. Detachment with care is the answer - or one of them. Don't stop caring but don't keep allowing these people to use you. My experience has shown me that once you're out of sight addicts try to find other enablers. I did it and didn't even realize what was happening til O detoxed. It gets better. Simple but far from easy.
  • Agreed. Sooo far from easy. The whole house used again night before last... The mother of the family i live with lost some money yesterday and everyone turned on each other. Steve's father accused me of stealing $400 and screamed at me at 1:30 in the morning, and decided he was going to leave everyone to fend for themselves. He yelled on and on about how we are all toxic to HIM and how we all are ruining each others lives, and he's not going to take care of anyone anymore. So now steve, his mother, and her 5 dogs are scared of becoming homeless. Their response was to yell back, accuse each other of stealing the money, and his mom went all savage retaliation and claimed she was going to pawn everything. It was a nightmare. His parents had us digging through every box, drawer, and GARBAGE BAG looking for this money. When i gave up to go to bed (about midnight) that's when i was accused of stealing the $400.

    I just got home from work now and it seems everything has calmed down, but idk if anything has changed cuz no one is talking about it or to each other. Im worried about tomorrow because its my payday, and im worried the father is going to demand the $400 from me since i "stole" it. I fully plan to NOT give him anything but i know shit will hit the fan AGAIN when i do. This man and his anger is outrageous and vicious. Hes not physical, but once he's going he doesn't stop for hours.

    I just cant wait for Tuesday. It is when i can finally move out. Im so disconnected and unhappy. At this moment steve is acting like were still together and wont take no for an answer. He keeps being clingy and touchy while i sit here just SEETHING at him and his parents. Yet he won't do anything to help himself (call his grandparents for help, call for transitional/homeless facilities, finish packing etc etc) and all he does is say sorry and guilt trip.

    4.5 days is my mantra right now. My counfdown to freedom.
  • @davemus
    I kinda like the sound of "Melissa fan club" hahaha ;)
  • Now because of the fathers threat to leave his own wife and son to be homeless makes me hurt even more. I know its the codependency anxiety in my head but i figured I could leave, and they would all be able to take care of themselves. This is definately a wrench thrown into the cogs of my plans and i feel even MORE guilty of leaving first, because I KNOW for a fact without my help and rational sober mind, these guys will end up in the street and the dogs in the pound. And Steve's mom is so emotionally attached to those (almost brainwashed) dogs that losing them would kill her. They both dont have jobs, steve doesnt have a driver's license, they refuse to ask other family for help because they're embarrassed and wouldnt be able to have all those dogs.. but i know i cant really do anything to change that by myself. Ugh
  • @Melissa1992 i'm sorry you're struggling. it is challenging to cut ties with toxic people who won't make the effort.... i will say that addicts make threats sometimes to leave...and many times it's simply a ploy for them to get something they want. it might not pan out... especially if they enable him somehow.

    regardless, i know you're cutting ties, and that won't be easy, but YOU matter and your peace of mind matters. you're not responsible for them....and maybe they need to suffer some negative consequences to begin to make some positive changes. i know they're not horrid people; but they are sick and need professional help.

    the only person you can change is you. again, sorry you're going through this. when do you move out?
  • Sorry to hear of these latest developments, @Melissa1992. But as I've said all along, and like @dominica said above, YOU matter. You have to do what's best for YOU. Once you start changing your plans to help accommodate others...that's when the wheels start to come off. You can't fix those people. But you can fix YOUR situation. And you deserve to get to a better place.

    Sending you love, light, and hugs. Can't wait to get my Melissa Fan Club membership card!! :)
  • @dominica i move out april 10th so only 4 whole days left til i leave. I just know with people like this, A LOT can happen in that time span. So im keeping my fingers crossed that another blow up argument doesn't happen, so i can make this transition more smooth and less guilt-trippy. Lol
  • @Melissa1992 i will believe for easy breezy for you..... :) lay low...and keep in touch <3
  • I had the same guilt. I was 27 when I left my bf of 5 years because I couldn’t work 2-3 jobs, barely scraping by while he gave in to his crack addiction. I promised I would never leave him, then I did.
    I will always love him but I know it was the right choice. He will still struggle but he now has a relationship with his children (that I only found out at the end because I hacked his email & Facebook to find he was a father.)
    Better to only be in a toxic relationship for 5 years instead of 5 years plus a day.
  • @blueorchid hey there. thanks for sharing. sorry you had to go through that...i'm sure it was rough. glad you are doing better now, and you've moved on with your life. you're right in that sometimes ties must be cut, for your own peace of mind and quality of life. doesn't mean you don't love him....cuz you do, but you also love yourself...
  • @Melissa1992... Sending you lots of positive energy. And crossing my fingers along with you. I hope things so smoothly for you during this transition.

    Big hugs coming your way.
  • I'm glad you found the strength to make the decision that was best for YOU, @blueorchid. It's not always easy to move on, but a lot of times it's the very best thing. Thanks for sharing your insight. I hope things are much better for you these days.
  • Hi guys. Heres an update. My coworkers parents had a sudden change of schedule and asked if i wanted to move in yesterday. I got anxious and said id come over and move most of my things, while having them help me with taxes and use the laundry. I figured i could use the next few days as closure and tie uo any loose ends with this relationship ive had with this family and have time to say goodbye. So i did taxes, did my and Steve's laundry, and got home. Steve had used again so i immediately went to the other room and went to bed really sad.

    Cut to this morning, and i ran into steves dad in the kitchen. He started going on about how im hurting steve and this family and i need to quit leaving and coming back. He said i need to leave today cuz im not a part of this family basically. So he kicked me out right before i had to go to work, and when i tried to talk to Steve upstairs and get some help and insight and tell him what his dad did, he was was too incoherent and coming down from his high to pay attention. So tonight i have it arranged to come home after work (which means itll be 9:30-10 pm) and move the rest of my stuff out of the house. So tonight i will finally be out of that house.

    My heart hurts so much, steve wrote me a letter i found last night basically saying he understands and how he will get me back someday, yet used again that same day and his explanation of what he wrote was born from being high and how he thinks the government has him in some group to keep him this way. It was a terrible sad morning. But i know what im doing wont change it, and i deeply hope that his fathers anger at me will keep those three together and his dad wont kick him and his mom out onto the street too.
  • @Melissa1992 wow... sorry about all that... but glad that you are going to be OUT. not easy, i understand that...and very sad, but this gives you a chance to get on with your a safe place...

    it's not easy letting go of people we care about... not that we don't love them and want the best for them, because we do... but we are important too; our peace...our sanity..our safety...our hopes and dreams...

    how are you doing this morning? you got your stuff out last night?
  • I'm happy that you'll be out of that house and starting anew, @Melissa1992. Certainly not the best of circumstances, but I believe it will be the best thing for you. I hope everything went alright last night. Let us know how you're doing today. We're here for you and we care.
  • Yes, im good. It was great to sleep in a bed and wash my clothes in an actual washer instead of a tub. I already feel like i fit in to this new home. When i went to the old house last night to grab the rest of my stuff, no one was there except the father. He talked to me and was civil, but he took back the storage unit key. Which im happy he was nice, and to not arrive in a war zone. But im worried about the extra stuff i have. Apparently they rented a bigger unit and i can call them when i want to get anything...
    Also it was sad to knock on my old bedroom door and have no answer cuz steve wasnt there. His mom and him were out getting groceries apparently...

    I wrote a letter back to him but because he was high still, i hid it in my side table beforr work, but when i looked in it last night, it was missing. I wanted to say goodbye and personally give it to him, but his intrusive snooping got there first. Oh well...
    I am kinda pissed at him too because i gave him my ps3 that I wiped clear for him so he could make his own account, and then he could share my netflix with me. But after the effort i put into hooking the ps3 up and wiping it after unhooking my ps4 and packing that to take with me, it seems he decided that he was going to take my letter AND my ps4 into his room while I was working. Alas, i did not realize he took my ps4 until i was at my coworkers house for the night. He hasnt texted me back about that yet. My videogames and my tv shows are my life at the moment. Pdfft. But so far so good, this could have gone a LOT worse!!! :)
  • Congrats @Melissa1992 for taking the steps to get out, it definitely is hard but as time passes it will keep feeling better and you will gain more relief. Good luck!
  • @Melissa1992 so glad you are out of there and in a safe place.... i bet it's a relief!! might be an adjustment period...but soon enough i think you'll be smiling more...

    i would want my things back too. (i'm a netflix lover myself!) it'll be great when you have all of your stuff from the home and storage...

    hope you have a great day melissa!
  • Sooooo happy to hear that you're out of that house, @Melissa1992! Big congrats to you! I am super proud of you for putting YOU first! And I'm grateful that your coworker's parents were willing to take you in!

    Now... Get your PS4 back!!!! ;)
    Big hugs of hope coming your way!
  • Hi guys it's been a great adjustment period for me. I've been at my new home and have been able to fully work on myself. It's insane to see how much has changed now i had the strengt to finally leave. I've opened a bank account, have almost $1000 in savings, and have an opportunity to buy a used car from a friend here in the next month or so.

    Steve has called and texted me a few times, but he thankfully hasn't said anything horrible or done anything against me. The one phone call i answered i could tell he was high or coming down so i hung up on him after he asked me for money. His extended family keeps in touch with me, despite being gone, they push me for answers and explanations though. But I don't have anything to tell, just vague assumptions. Last i heard the family was staying at a hotel and also in their van. I know i cant do anything about that... But on the other hand, i feel really good.
  • I have also met someone new and have gone on a couple dates with him. (Navy reserve AND a full time job? Hell yeah!) My life is finally going my way, and is so much less stressful that's for sure... Thank you all for the help and advice... I never would have gone through this on my own... i would be sleeping in that van with them all if i stayed... i know it's just the beginning, steve could pop back up and start drama at any given time, but I'm bracing myself for it and I have an army of people who care about me. Thank you thank you thank you!!!❤
  • That’s really amazing to hear @Melissa1992 I’m super happy and excited for you! Glad you set your boundaries and stuck to them when he tried getting money. $1000 saved up so fast, & a new to you car, that’s also sooo fantastic!
    Congrats on the Navy boy! If I could offer any advise with him is to take things slow so you both can truly get to know each other. Also be cautious to not get caught up in making comparisons between him & Steve (which is hard not to) as it’s important to ensure that you like him for him, and also to ensure you are getting involved with the right guy, don’t miss possible red flags & don’t get over invested too soon :smile:
    Way to go lady!!! Stick to your boundaries, keep living your life and stay positive! Positive energy always attracts more positivity.
    Sending you hugs & happiness! Keep us posted with more updates. Super glad to hear from you. :heart:
  • @Melissa1992... Wow! Thanks so much for coming by and updating us on your situation. It sounds like things are going amazingly well for you. I'm so happy for you! And incredibly proud of you, too! You did what you had to do for YOURSELF, and look where it's gotten you!!! Your story is an inspiration, for sure. I hope others who are stuck in situations that are similar to what yours was will read your story and think about helping themselves.

    I wish you continued success and happiness, my dear. And I'm sending you big congratulatory hugs. <3
  • @DeanD thanks! Yeah i figured i can stick around and keep an eye out for people in similar situations and potentially give advice here because it's been such a dramatic change for me. Seeing how much I've been able to do now just goes to show how much an impact the family i was with made on me negatively, and how my caring and codependent attitude amplified that. I owe so much to my new roommate and his family and i just hope i can continue the kindness and do something similar when I'm in a position to do so.

    @blueorchid yes i am being very careful and slow. It's only been two dates and A LOT of talking and texting and just... little things. Im enjoying the attention I haven't been able to recieve in years.... I definitely do not plan on throwing myself into another situation for awhile yet while I'm still working on myself. The comparing part is definitely hard like you said, I'm just excited to have attracted a new lifestyle and how that is attracting better people and better opportunity towards me as well. I realized i actually can reach for something above me, then just reaching below and thinking I deserve that type of quality. If that makes any sense haha.
  • @Melissa1992 hey you! so good to hear from you! congrats on your better life... YOU DID IT! I am so happy for you and so proud of you! been wonderful to watch you blossom through a lot of stuff this year! good for you.

    and yes, you can certainly inspire others as you share here. thanks for thinking of us!!!

    enjoy your military man!
  • @Melissa1992... You're lucky to have your new roommate and his family. Definitely pay it forward when you get a chance. :)
  • Hi @Melissa1992 glad to hear!
    I will share some advice that I believe goes with what you just wrote. When dating a decent guy, it is ok to feel a bit scared & vulnerable but don’t let that keep you from being yourself. The right man for you will love you for you, idiosyncrasies & all. Even if there are little things you do that he doesn’t like, he will still respect you & won’t try to change you.
    When choosing a man, you should go for someone who makes you feel vulnerable and that you think is too good for you, because then he might just be good enough! :wink:
  • Thanks @dominica my dad is a wise man :wink:
  • @blueorchid... I hope my kids will say that about me someday.
  • Lol I’m sure they will @DeanD
    My dad is amazing! He’s my rock... and I know he would support me if I was honest about my addiction however I can’t bring myself to tell him. He is one of my reasons I want to stay clean, and even tonight is part of my reason for not going n relapsing (I see him tomorrow).
  • @Melissa1992 hey you! just wondering how you're doing..... hoping you'll come back and let us know sometime!! :)
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