Do I move and Let her find her own way ??

I have a 30yr old daughter living with me. She has been with me for a little over a year. She got out of jail last year nov. 2016. I have plans to build a house that is about 30miles away from where I am living now. I wanted to break ground this spring. My daughter is concerned as she does not have her drivers license back yet nor a car. She has a job and has her 2 sons over , my grandsons, 4yr old and a 8yr old. I am just not sure whether or not I should wait another year to break ground or go for it this year and she will have about 6mths at that point to get it together. ????
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  • @t_bell40 hello and thanks for sharing. that is a good question.

    do you feel as if her staying with you is enabling her? i have grown children, and know that if i let them stay with me... for a long time... it probably wouldn't serve them well. it's great she is working... is she actively making plans to get on her feet?

    is she able to use services like uber for a ride?

    it's a tough spot. you want to be there for support, but you don't want to enable. you do deserve to have what you want... your desires... our grown children, we love them like crazy, but we are not responsible for them at 30 y/o.

    6 months seems like it should be plenty of time to get a plan together and move toward it. if she needs help, encourage her to reach out to someone who will mentor her. sometimes we all need some guidance and accountability.

    does this help?
  • She is on probation right now. Am I enabling her, yes. Enabling her to get on her feet . When this all started , minus a few details, I was contacted by the drug court to see if I would be willing to take her in. If not, she was going to prison for 5yrs. I said yes and initially thought I could give her a soft place to land for a few months. Someone said 3 mths is an awefully short time for someone getting out of jail after 8mths and a heroin addict to find a job , get a car, and an apartment. So, it has been a little over a year now. And like I say, even if we broke ground this spring, it will still give her plenty of time to get a car and an apartment. Trouble is the "system" will not "enable" her to get an apartment. In that I mean, with a felony on your record it is extremely hard to find an apartment or a job. Stigma that accompanies the felony charge is truly unfair.!!! Isn't it a situation where you have done your time and now move on. Not with a felony. You are never done doing your time.
    My girlfriend and I have kind of decided it would help her to wait for next spring to break ground. I am just second guessing it all. And too, my grandsons are involved and I like to be there for them too. It is not just one 30yr old adult child we are talking about here , it is multiple aspects of a very complicated problem.
  • @t_bell40 i understand better now. it is more challenging for someone with a record to get an apartment... and job. requires knocking on more doors, so to speak... a numbers game, i call it. i do hope she can find something.

    is she willing to rent a room for a while? easier to get in somewhere that way, and cheaper. i understand there are kids invovled, so that may not work. just a thought.

    i commend you for taking her in and helping her get on her feet. it is a challenging situation, for sure.. but not impossible. i understand you want to be there for her...in a way that works for you and her....

    my hope is that you will find peace whether it's this spring or next....
  • Thanks Dominica, Ya, it is very difficult to know what to do. My son, 27yrs, also lives in this same small country town. His addiction is alcohol. He has no license and gets driven to work where he frames houses. I commend him on being able to survive on his own somehow . They are both going to AA. I really hope they can turn their lives around.
    The other half of the coin , my girlfriend. She has a 22yr old only child spoiled brat living with her. The 22yr old does have a job and does have a car but, loves to party and doesn't pay mom a cent. She is paying off her student loans after having dropped out of college 3 different times and beauty school twice. My girlfriend is being forced to move out of the trailer park they are in and she is not sure whether or not she wants to move in with me or help her child , adult daughter survive on her own. She has never been out of the house or made to take responsibility for anything i.e. take out the trash, do the dishes, empty cat litter box.....etc. Very frustrating situation there. Her room is atrocious. Clothes all over the floor , bathroom just trashed , you name it. Has friends over whenever she wants.
    Anyway, just some thoughts from my f....ed up world. How's your world Dominica ????
  • @t_bell40 thanks for sharing.... sounds like you are dealing with a lot of things.... i'm sure that can feel heavy at times... :/

    not much we can do to change others, for sure. i think we've all been there as parents of adult kids (wanting them to change/do better, etc.)

    my world is pretty good, and thank you for asking! i do have a 22 y/o son that lives with his dad...and he has had problems drinking...seems as if he is doing pretty good right now, but as a parent, sometimes i worry... but do my best to love him through it.... his dad is having him pay rent now, and that is a huge accomplishment. :)

    hope your evening is going well.
  • @t_bell40... Just remember that YOUR life matters, too. While I understand your wanting to help your daughter, if you start to let her behavior/issues control some parts of your life--like affecting when you start building your house, for example--then I think things can become very toxic. Don't forget to take good care of yourself, too.

    We're here for you, my friend. Please reach out and lean on us anytime.
  • Thanks Dean. I am fairly sure that waiting a year more to build this house it not going to hurt. The housing market here is doing well. There are many things I can do both at the new property and the house I am in right now to keep busy with. My daughter is making progress so that is important. My grandsons love coming over and spending time with there mom (daugher) and grandpa (me) and grandma (girlfriend) . That will change once I move north of town. They are all south of town.
    What do you mean by "take good care of yourself too ?" Just wondered ??
  • @t_bell40... Good question! Self-care is absolutely essential when you're dealing with a loved one who struggles with addiction. Here's a blog I recently wrote about the subject:

    Self-Care Isn't Being Selfish

    There's also a great book out there that explains the whole self-care thing really well. It's called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change, and it's written specifically for parents/partners of people who struggle with addiction. You might want to check it out. I highly recommend it.
  • Self-care is great... it's not always easy to know when lines are being crossed from being supportive to enabling... but your daughter is making the effort...and that's good. that's important.... the time frame for one to move out on their own varies greatly depending on various factors.... as long as you see your daughter making the effort and progress, great....
  • Thanks Dean. That answered my next question. What exactly are you talking about. Like I should go fishing and hunting more or just not be around my house more or what.
    I will look at my local library for the book. Thanks again, Tim
  • @t_bell40... Going fishing and hunting more may be simplifying it a bit, but yes. I mean you need to do things that bring you joy and comfort, despite the fact that you're dealing with your daughter's issues. You can't let her issues get in the way of things that bring you pleasure and help keep you grounded. When my son's addiction first started, my wife and I were consumed by it--addicted to it, if you will--and let it take control of us. We stopped going out on dates, skipped events we had previously bought tickets for, stopped doing things that were fun for us, etc. We thought we had to put our lives on hold while we dealt with our son's addiction. But all that did was make us miserable, too. And it made us pretty useless as support people for our son.

    In that blog I shared the link to, I share the "oxygen mask analogy":

    "An analogy that is frequently used to illustrate why self-care is so important is the instruction flight attendants give you when you’re on an airplane that’s about to take off. They tell you that in the event of an emergency, you should put your own oxygen mask on first; then try to help other people. Because if you don’t take care of yourself first, everyone will end up suffering."

    The bottom line is that you have to take care of yourself first. That's what self-care is all about. So, if that means more hunting and fishing, then do it. Or if it means you and your girlfriend going out for a nice dinner and spending some quality time together, then do it. Etc. You should always be the number one priority in your life.

    Hope that makes sense.
  • I hear what you are saying Dean. The problem is that when I am done fishing, hunting or dinning out with my fiancé , you get back home and there is your problem starring you in the face again.
    My girlfriend is planning on moving into my house soon. That is going to be a major change that all of us will have to get use to. Her daughter is moving to an apartment by herself and as an only child has always relied on mommy. My house is small and does not offer a lot of space for my girlfriends clothes and what not. We will survive.
    I have the book "Beyond Addiction : how science etc. " downloaded on my phone. I am reading it and it does have a lot of good information. I love the "what is codependency ?" It's anything and everyone has it......lol
    I am also seeing a counsellor that has been involved with all that has gone on in the last 3yrs. She helps sometimes and other times I think why am I seeing her. Sometimes I get so worked up in telling her everything that has gone on in my life since I seen her last , that I use the entire sessions time and I haven't shut up once. So, there's that.
    One thought that goes through my mind too often is that my ex wife moved out of the marital dwelling and to Alaska. That left me with 2 of 3 children of ours that are chemically addicted. So, I do a lot of driving my son places as he lost his license 2yrs ago and my drug addicted daughter who is living with me along with the grandsons who invade my home every weekend. I just think you nasty B....tch . You left me and your kids here to struggle with all the isssues while you live your life free and easy !!
    I know this is a lot of information for someone to take in but, as it says in the book, codependency is very complicated as are the people it involves are very complicated.
  • @t_bell40 thank you for sharing... getting it out can be therapeutic... life can become complicated for sure, and we can really feel some pain, huh? things don't go as planned, etc. it is great you have been going to counseling... kudos to you for taking care of YOU like that.

    sounds like a big transition time in your life (again). we are here to encourage and support you as we can. we care...and want the best for you and your family.
  • I totally understand, @t_bell40. Believe me, I do. But I've found that by taking good care of myself, I'm able to (maybe) forget about my son's issues, at least for a little while. And that's a good thing. Obviously, there's really nothing we can do to totally forget about the problem. But that doesn't mean we don't deserve some nice breaks.

    I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. And I'm glad you're reading the Beyond Addiction book, too. When you get to the part of the book about self-care, it might help you understand that concept more clearly.

    You're taking steps to better yourself, and that in and of itself is self-care. And that's a good thing!
  • @t_bell40 hey there! was just thinking about you and wondering how things are going for you and your family!! know that we are here anytime you need some support and encouragement!!

  • Thanks Dominica, I appreciate that. I thought I was reading "Beyond Addiction" but, turns out I'm reading "Codependent No More".....lol I have the other on hold. It is talking in the book about detaching from the person in your life who is on drugs or alcohol or whatever. It is very difficult to detach from someone you see every day. She is in a very deep financial hole right now. Not to mention the cravings she has for drugs. But, ya, I get it. Even if it is just a mental thing to say "i'm not going to get riled up by anything she tells me" I will just take it in and if I can help fine if not fine. i.e. car rides here or there. And no, I have no intention of paying off any fines or lawsuits. !!!!
    Thanks for thinking of me Dominica
  • @t_bell40 Both those books are great reads.. glad you are reading! sounds like you are learning some great tools to navigate this type of relationship... good for you!

    and you are quite welcome!! :)

  • Hey Dominica !!
    My Girlfriend's daughter just moved a guy in with her. She lives with my GF and is planning on moving out in a month. I can't stand the extra company there at her house all the time. My only solution at this point is to not come over to my GF's house. I know she is not going to be happy with that decision but, she can't put her foot down with her only child 22yrs old. So, I will just politely bow out. Come over to my place honey or we'll just catch up whenever. Don't know what else to do about that.
    GF's daughter is addicted to Adderall and pot. New boyfriend is not smoking pot supposedly cause he is looking for a better job than dishwasher at hotel right now.
  • @t_bell40 hey there. if you're not liking the extra people at the house, then maybe hanging out at your house will suffice for now. when there are grown up kids living at home...relationships can become tricky... open and honest communication (with patience and compassion) can help....

    it's ok for you to have feelings about it... it might not be ideal for you right now. i hope you and her can figure out an arrangement that works for both of you.

    have a great day!
  • Hey Dominica.
    Yesterday my daughter says she is running low on Norco. Can i give her a ride in. Blizzard to her dentist office to get more. Long story short. I went along with it and her dentist gave her 19 more pills. I hated that she talked me into it and felt horribly depressed about it yesterday and all of today. I am going to call the dentist Monday n ask if he knows shes an opiod addict. ??
    Right now i just feel like such a fool !!!!!
  • @t_bell40 hi there... i know you are probably upset with yourself... but i hope you can stop beating yourself up... learn from it... next time set your boundary and let her figure out a way.... :)
  • Well and that's what went through my mind. If i dont take her she will get whatever from one of her druggy friends. I called my dentist office and they told me to take her cause it might be infected. So i did and she got more pills.
    I just feel so bad that i didn't tell her to endure the pain. It will do you good. I didnt talk to her dentist office to see if they know she's an addict. I didnt check to see if she had a fever. I didn't tell them when i was there that she's an addict. !!!
  • @t_bell40 it's over and done. make yourself a list in case this happens again, so you'll know what to do!!! :) we're all learning along the journey. give yourself permission to learn from this...
  • Thanks. Dominica. Thats a good idea. I'll make a list. And check it twice.
    Not only are you very smart and comforting... You are very pretty too. !!!
    She ,my daughter, assures me that Norco is allowed for dental procedures. I just had a problem with her wanting more than was prescribed
  • Thank. You. Dominica. And. Dean
    It is nice to have the support even if its people we dont know.
    Lost my mom 4yrs ago. She was 83yr old
    She was the best counsellor anyone could ask for. !!!! Miss her like crazy. !!!
  • @t_bell40... Don't let something that's in the past keep eating away at you. As parents of addicts, we do the best we can with what we know at the time...and we try to learn and do better as we go along. Look at this as something you can learn from. And, like Dominica said, write down what you should do the next time.

    We're here for you!
  • K. Thanks. Dean. Appreciate it. !!!
  • Anytime, @t_bell40. You are not alone, my friend. :)
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