My son refuses to accept he has a problem

My 24 year and old son has been taking cocaine for around the past year and it's becoming more frequent as time goes by. He has also been drinking alcohol at least once a week, since he was 18. I have tried my best to help him but he isn't interested and says I'm being dramatic, and he's fine. He isn't fine. Even when he was found unresponsive in the street by a passer by, last March, and ended up in resus, it didn't appear to phase him. His doctor is aware of the situation but is unable to help as my son says all the right things to him, he's been offered counselling, and help from drugs and alcohol misuse charities but he's not interested. I'm tired of dreading the weekends week after week, the sleepless nights and wondering where he is and if he's okay. I have tried to get him help for years and feel totally helpless as he is slowly getting worse. I also feel like I have failed as a parent, and I feel isolated because very few people know about his situation. I'll always be there for him but I don't know how to help him anymore. I'm also angry with him for not taking responsibility for himself and I feel like my life is on hold. I hope this post makes sense.
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  • @Deeann hello and welcome! thanks for reaching out. i'm sorry you and your son are struggling... it can be challenging when a loved one is struggling with addiction...and will not acknowledge it...

    it's pretty common as a mom to feel like you did something to cause this, or you feel like a failure... i have felt that exact way at times (my adult son drinking)... and i have felt shame and fear and more....

    this is the thing about dealing with others with any addiction.... we didn't cause it, can't cure, can't fix it. only they can. and that's tough to hear....

    for me, i had to learn how to take care of myself... my emotions about it...

    support groups can help. al-anon, nar-anon can be helpful. there you will meet others in similar shoes....and get a sponsor/mentor if you want. someone to talk to, and work the steps if you want. you will feel less alone...and they can offer strength and hope...

    i'm going to leave a link to a good article geared for parents of grown children, where the child is an addict.

    it sounds like you have done all you can....for your son. and now the tough part of accepting that you can fix this...can't make him see... but learning how you can best support him at this time... can help.

    here are some books to look through. see if one resonates with you and maybe read... might help

    https://www.recovery.org/6-essential-books-for-those-with-an-addicted-loved-one/

    here is that article...

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lifetime-connections/201410/7-tips-mothers-adult-addicts

    i know for me, i can't say i'm never affected by knowing my son is drinking to cope with his pain... it does, but i don't let it rule my life... i have had conversations with him...pointed him in the direction he could go if he chooses to get help...and i love him...spend time with him...and don't hyper focus on his drinking.... i remember who he is without the addiction... a good soul. i pray regularly...give it and him to god... and reach out for help when i need.

    hope this helps.
  • Hi Dominica, thank you so much for your reply. I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with your son too, it's the hardest thing when you feel so powerless to help your own child. You're right, I think the next step for me is to learn how to take care of myself, and deal with the many emotions I feel about it, as it's driving me crazy!
    Thank you for the links, and your lovely post......I've been praying lately.......don't know what else to do. You have given me hope that there are ways I can deal with this better. I couldn't bring myself to look at the links earlier, as I didn't want to acknowledge that the article/books relate to me and my son. I will take a look now.
  • @Deeann hello there! so glad you are going to begin self-care. it's a process....and takes time. i find myself starting to think and worry at times, but i tend to pray instead now, instead of worrying... i'm understanding better now the reality is that our children have choice...free will... and their decisions are based on them...not us. and i believe the best for him too...i envision him getting through this...getting better...

    i am here if you ever want/need to talk.
  • @Deeann... Welcome to the community, my friend. I'm sorry to hear about your son's struggles, but I'm very happy that you found us and reached out. I'm the father of a 28-year-old son who has struggled on and off with addiction for the last 13 years, so I know a lot about what you're feeling.

    First off, let me reassure you of something: This is NOT your fault. Like Dominica said, Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach us that we didn't cause our loved one's addiction, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. As a parent, it's so easy to put the blame on ourselves. We can second-guess our parenting until we're blue in the face, but the fact is... this is NOT our fault.

    The blog that discusses "6 Essential Books for Those with an Addicted Loved One" that Dominica shared the link to is something I wrote. Over the years, I've read many, many books about addiction, and the six that I discuss in that blog are my favorites. I especially like the Beyond Addiction book, which I think is something you should get your hands on and read ASAP. It's written specifically for parents and partners of people struggling with addiction, and it's full of incredibly helpful information. It will teach you how to communicate better with your son; how to talk to him to help motivate him to want to change; and, most importantly, how to take good care of yourself while you're dealing with your son's issues. Self-care is sooooo important!!!

    Definitely look into Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, or SMART Recovery Family & Friends (12 step alternative) meetings. They WILL help you. You will realize that you are not alone, and you will find comfort in talking to people who know exactly what you're going through and feeling.

    As parents, we think we should be able to fix our kids. We're so used to being able to take care of them and love them out of their problems while they're growing up. But addiction is a serious disease, not a boo-boo that can be cured by putting a Band-Aid on it and kissing it. There is no magic wand to cure it, either. It's something only the person who's struggling can overcome. We have to educate ourselves about it and be supportive, but we can't fix it.

    We are here to help you any way we can. We can give you support, advice, or a place to vent, so please don't hesitate to come back and lean on us whenever you feel you need to. Because we care.

    I am sending you lots of love, light, positive energy, and hope. I will also say a prayer for your son and your family. Believe me, I know what you're going through, and I know it's not easy. But trust me when I tell you that you have to take care of yourself first. If you don't, both you and your son will end up suffering, and that is not a good thing. You have to stay healthy, both physically and mentally, so you can be supportive of your son if he makes the decision to change his life. If you become addicted to his addiction, that won't be possible.

    Reach out anytime you need to.
  • @Deeann Dean brings up a good point, in that we do understand a bit of what you're going through...and it's important to have some sort of support network (your peeps) who will support and encourage YOU on this journey... to remind you to pull back when you're crossing boundaries or regressing into worry or enabling, etc.

    That's one reason support groups are so helpful. They help us remember it's not our fault... and our life is important... and helps us learn how to set and keep boundaries...and love the addict unconditionally from there... from a healthy detachment...and not taking the addiction or the actions of the addict personally.... b/c addicts tend to lie, steal, deceive, etc... not all, but many... and some of that behavior stems from the addiction....

    anyway, i hope you are having a good day!
  • Thank you Dominica, I totally understand why you now tend to pray instead of worrying. Worrying has got me absolutely nowhere ! In fact it just makes me feel a hundred times worse. Thank you so much for your advice and support, it really is appreciated.
    Hi DeanD, thank you for your reply. I'm definitely going to check out al-anon and nar-anon in the near future. It feels a bit too much for me at the moment. The books you suggested look great and the Beyond Addiction one stood out the most for me. I ordered it last night along with Co-dependent no more. Thank you for the recommendations. I already feel incredibly lucky to have stumbled across your website and feel like both yourself and Dominica really do get how I feel. The part where you said about becoming addicted to his addiction is something that I feel I am doing, lately. I hate that I am living in his world of alcohol and drugs, and I'm starting to resent anyone else who does it, or even anyone who makes an innocent joke about getting drunk etc. I'm even starting to resent families who don't have these issues! It's affecting my self confidence and I feel like I'm losing sight of who I am......then I feel guilty for worrying about myself .....angry that he's doing this to me......upset that he's suffering......I need these books! I akso want to run away and pretend this isn't happening. I'm hoping the books and your forums will help me to fully accept what is happening and deal with it properly.
  • @Deeann... Everything you're feeling is normal. The wanting to run away. The resenting other families who don't have kids struggling with addiction. Etc. I used to say that I wanted a pause button so I could put the rest of my life on pause while I dealt with my son's issues. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that. So we do the best we can with what we know at the time, and we try to learn as we go along. That's really all we can do. And you can never go wrong with love. I know it's not always easy, but loving your son is the one thing you can do. Remember: He's not a bad person who needs to learn to behave better; he's a sick person who needs to get well. There's an old saying... Love the addict, hate the disease. I think that sums it up nicely.

    We're here for you.

    By the way... If you don't feel ready to do an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting in person, they do have online meetings you can "attend." That might be a good introduction to the concept.

    Also, there's a companion workbook to the Beyond Addiction book called The 20 Minute Guide. It's a really great tool and you can find out more information about it here:

    https://the20minuteguide.com

    Sending you more positive juju. And hugs. Because I know you need both.
  • Thanks DeanD. Your pause button comment made me smile. I would love to have a pause button! That's just it, he's not a bad person. He's gorgeous both inside and out, and I adore him. You've reminded me I need to remember not to take the addiction personally. He actually told me today he thinks he has a problem with consuming too much alcohol and drugs. It's a big step but he refused to talk about it further than that. I don't know if he'll choose to get help anytime soon. I hope so. My books arrived today but I haven't been able to bring myself to look at them. It's not usually like me to not face up to things. Need to get reading ASAP. Thank you for the links, an online meeeting might be just what I need.
  • @Deeann... I'm happy to hear that your son admitted to having a problem with drugs and alcohol. You're right: That's a big step. Hopefully he'll be able to talk about it more. And maybe he'll even decide to get some help. It's definitely progress, though. And recovery is all about progress.

    Sending you more positive energy and hugs. I hope you have a great day.
  • @Deeann good morning! I'm so glad that you're feeling hopeful. And that you ordered those books. getting those will certainly give you a good dose of encouragement and practical tips to move forward.

    That's wonderful that your son spoke to you about his behavior. that's a sign that he's at least willing to look at it momentarily. I wouldn't expect him to go into details with you. If he's anything like my son, he finds it challenging to talk to anyone about his inner world. I have noticed over the past year, that as I've backed off and let my son be, he's more apt to talk more.

    We definitely know how you feel and it's not a fun place to be. Yes, our sons are amazing, beautiful souls and it does affect us they're hurting or hurting themselves. but it doesn't have to control us.

    I read one time about our roles as parents of adult children . we always want to give them advice , but they really don't want advice from us. they want the freedom to be able to choose , even if that means choosing poorly. my daughter has taught me a lot about listening and not offering advice unless specifically asked for.

    now after listening to her when she does feel like sharing, I let her know that I hear her and I ask her if there is anything I can do to support her . instead of just saying "you need to do this and you need to do that", I offer support and prayer.

    So glad that you are here journeying with us. I will include your son when I pray for mine. have a blessed day !
  • Thanks guys. Dominica to mentioned as you've backed off and let your son be, he's more apt to talk more, well I backed off about three weeks ago and yesterday he said he thinks he has a problem. The only reason I backed off was because I was so upset and frustrated with his behaviour, and knew that whatever I said wouldn't make any difference. I didn't stop to think that my backing off might actually help a little bit, although it's obvious now you've mentioned it. I've spent years just hoping he's going to stop, because I didn't know what else to do. Now, for the first time I feel like I have the tools to help me to look at my own thoughts, feelings and behaviour, as well as my son's, and hopefully I can learn to move forward now.
  • That's an awesome update, @Deeann. Sometimes a little space will do wonders for communication. I'm glad you're feeling like you have the tools to help you deal with both your feelings and your son's issues. Go forward, be brave, and keep the faith! I will continue to pray for you and your son.
  • @Deeann so good to hear your outlook now... it's a process for sure.... a learning process... i think learning how we can best be there and support our children...without overstepping boundaries or giving unsolicited "this is what you need to do" advice.

    For me, remembering that my son is not the addiction... and the addiction is not my son. I love my son; don't like the addiction...

    Hope you are having a great day!
  • Thanks DeanD and Dominica. We moved another step forward today. He went back to the gym for the first time in many months, coincidentally bumped into his personal trainer, they swapped numbers and my son is going to book some PT sessions with him. He even commented how great he felt for going back to the gym, and half joked that the high he gets from working out can replace the drugs etc. I told him how pleased I was, that it was a success, I'll support him with it anyway I can.......and left it at that. I resisted the urge to say anything else and felt quite proud of myself! These days the mere mention of the words alcohol or drugs gets my back up, so keeping my mouth shut was definitely progress. I'm amazed at the changes that have taken place in the few days since I contacted you. I'm not so naive to think that everything is okay again, but for tonight, I feel like I have my son back again.
  • That's great news, @Deeann. And yes, the high your son gets from working out CAN replace the high he gets from drugs. He's definitely taking steps in the right direction. And as I like to say, even baby steps will eventually get someone to where they want to go. Remember: Progress, not perfection!!
  • @Deeann hey there! was thinking of you last night.... sometimes i start to worry about my son.... so i prayed hard last night... went for a walk and felt bit better...

    i am glad to hear your son is making some efforts! :)

    have a great day!
  • Thank you DeanD and Dominica. Well the weekend has just begun, which means the worrying is back. I’ve just dropped him off to meet his friends. I’m hoping it will be okay as he doesn’t have much money left until pay day. Worrying is exhausting I’m sorry to hear you worry about your son Dominica. I haven’t even stopped to think that anyone else on here who might be struggling - quite selfish. I think I need to familiarise myself with this site as I seem to be burying my head in the sand!
  • How do you switch off when your adult child goes out drinking every single weekend? Then the drinking might lead to drug taking.........it always leads to asking to 'borrow' money (£100 or more each time). I understand that people have addictions but I never dreamt my own son would progress this far with it. I feel like my brain is permanently preoccupied with worrying about him, yet I feel powerless to help.
  • @Deeann... For one thing, don't give him any money. If you do, you're just enabling him. And if he's meeting friends to go drinking, maybe don't even give him a ride there. That's just making things easier for him, i.e. enabling.

    It's hard to switch off the worry, but you learn to do it. Although, it's been 13+ years for me, and I still fall victim to the worry on occasion. My son was clean for 2 years, and it was great. But, he's back to struggling on and off, so I do get stressed out on occasion. You just have to remember that YOUR life matters, too. If you stay stuck in that worry mode, you're putting yourself in a little prison and not enjoying your life.

    One more thing...If he's living with you and going out drinking, you are perfectly within your rights to set boundaries for him. Like telling him if he wants to live in your home, he can't drink. I know that won't go over well, and you have to be prepared to stick to your guns and hand out consequences if he doesn't respect the boundaries. But it's something you have the right to do.

    I'll keep sending you positive energy. You're not alone. Always remember that. And always remember that YOUR life is the most important one.

    Big hugs coming your way. Try to let go and detach a little this weekend.
  • That's exactly how I feel, like I'm in my own little prison and can't concentrate on much else. I didn't give him any money but I did give him a lift to his friends. I think I always hope that this time he won't go overboard!
    Wow 13+ years! I guess you had no choice but to learn to switch off otherwisecwho knows where you'd be now. Yes I do need to put in boundaries ...I didn't expect things to get worse. I haven't even looked at the books as I don't think I want to accept that any of its content applies to me......silly really.
    Thank you.
  • @Deeann I agree with Dean that you giving him money is only enabling him...and even rides. Tough love is required.... and if that means sitting with him and making a boundary list... or rules.... I think that would be great. He's an adult...and as such, ought to be fully responsible for his finances, and working toward securing his own place....or paying you some rent.

    Tough love... and adult kids need it.... He may balk now, but years down the road he will see why.

    My son lives with his dad, because he enables. I made it clear from the time they were nearing adulthood, that mom will never enable. I will bless or help them ONLY if they are doing their best, working.... and not engaging in addictive behavior. I have said no to buying my daughter a pack of smokes before when she was low on cash.... Nope. Not when you're being lazy and have an entitlement attitude. I love you, but daughter, you are a grown woman fully capable of working and making wise financial decisions.

    Tough love...unconditional love. Not easy, for sure.

    I think we just learn over time.

    Have you sat with him and discussed rules? Boundaries?

    I'm sorry you are struggling... Do your best this weekend to not enable, and focus on YOU. nurture yourself. do something nice for you.....
  • Hey, @Deeann... How are you doing today, my friend? How did the weekend go? Did things get better after the shaky start on Friday? I hope so.
  • Hi @DeanD he did his usual thing on Friday, staying out long after his friends went home, and ending up staying over at a strangers house, but Saturday was better as he he came home straight after watching his football team play. He's been complaining of a headache and I wonder if it's the effects of his drinking and possible drug taking from last Friday. His mood also isn't great at the moment. I'm always suspicious of who he's texting or talking to on the phone, in fact I'm suspicious of everything, even if there's no need to be. I do struggle to see how I can switch off when the person I care about the most, is doing this to himself and doesn't appear to know how to help himself.
  • You just have to practice the "switching off," @Deeann. That's really the only way you can get better at it. It's like anything else you want to get good at: Practice, practice, practice. I know that sounds overly simple, but it's true. And even after practicing a whole lot, you'll still fall back into the trap. It's just a natural thing because you're a parent. And he's your son. And you care. I know exactly what you're going through.

    Just try to let go a little. And when you start to worry about something like who he's texting or talking to, or what he's doing out so late, try your best to do something else to distract you from those thoughts. Easy? Not at all. But absolutely necessary, or else you'll drive yourself crazy.

    Sending you love, light, hope, and hugs.
    <3
  • Yes I’m definitely slowly driving myself crazy. I don’t want to switch off because it feels like I don’t care, yet at the same time I know that my worrying and stressing has zero effect on the choices he makes. I don’t feel like I can hold my head up high because I haven’t managed to raise my son who knows how to help himself
  • This has nothing to do with you, @Deeann. Trust me. It's normal to feel that way, but remember: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

    I share this passage with a lot of parents I talk to, and a lot of them say it helps. I know it helped me. It's from the book Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction by David Sheff. Give it a read and tell me if it makes any sense to you...

    "Like many in my straits, I became addicted to my son's addiction. When it preoccupied me, even at the expense of my responsibilities to my wife and other children, I justified it. I thought, How can a parent not be consumed by his child's life-or-death struggle? But I learned that my preoccupation with Nic didn't help him and may have harmed him. Or maybe it was irrelevant to him. However, it surely harmed the rest of my family--and me. Along with this, I learned another lesson, a soul-shaking one: our children live or die with or without us. No matter what we do, no matter how we agonize or obsess, we cannot choose for our children whether they live or die. It is a devastating realization, but also liberating. I finally chose life for myself. I chose the perilous but essential path that allows me to accept that Nic will decide for himself how--and whether--he will live his life."

    It took me a long time to accept what David Sheff talks about in that paragraph. But when I did, I was, like him, liberated. I probably read that passage 500 times over the course of a few months. And then, one day...It stuck.

    You are not alone. Remember that. And the fact that you are here, seeking support and advice for what your son is going through makes you a GREAT parent. Believe it or not.

    Big hugs. <3
  • Thanks @DeanD. It's a difficult passage to read, but it does make sense. I have never looked at myself as being addicted to my son's addiction, but thinking about it I guess I have been for years. I was a teenage single parent and thought that I'd have my time once he turns 18., but in the last six years I've never been so preoccupied with him. I'm forgetful, and don't really listen to half the things anyone says to me in everyday life. Inside I get irritated by other people's minor problems, even though I know that I'm being unreasonable, and I don't feel like I can concentrate on what I want out of life. 'We cannot choose for our children whether they live or die' is definitely a devastating realisation for me, but certainly not liberating. I have saved the passage as a screenshot so I can refer back to it. never in a million years did I think my child would choose this path, but then I guess no parent does.
  • @Deeann that quote got me too.... it is a devastating realization... and i thought honestly, it sucks... i think for me, i can get sad that my son is struggling, but i can feel that AND keep on with my life, doing what i'm passionate about. meaning, his life and actions, and even his pain level does not have to stunt my growth, or keep me in a prison..... i feel his pain... sure do.... but i choose to stay lovingly detached, pray.... reach out and stay connected (while not lecturing).... and live my life. it's a practice for sure.

    the Buddhist path has helped me.... God's ways help me. I think it's each person finding what works for them...

    so glad you are here, and i pray for our sons freedom from addiction of any sort. that they find hope, faith, and themselves....their true selves!
  • @dominica 'I choose to stay lovingly detached' I like that...though it certainly sounds like an art form. I do feel very sad when I check in here.....I think that's because I'm acknowledging that he has a problem and have found the right place for support. I guess it's confirmation that he really does have a problem....makes it more real....I'm not even sure if that makes sense.
    Buddhism has always appealed to me, but like most things I don't seem get around to exploring anything any further.
    I'm starting to feel slightly less alone now I've found you guys.
  • I understand how you feel, @Deeann. I, too, thought I would wave goodbye to my sons when they turned 18. I thought that would be the time that my wife and I would start to really do things for ourselves and have the opportunity to enjoy our "golden years." Unfortunately, both of my boys have addiction and/or mental health issues. They're 28 and 22. And it's not easy. But I try to take things a day at a time.

    I'm glad you're feeling less alone since you've found this forum. We're glad you found us!
  • I'm sorry to hear both of your sons are struggling @DeanD. My son has always had ADHD symptoms and autistic traits when he was growing up - though isn't autistic. I always knew there was something not quite right but his teachers and doctors weren't interested. I got a private diagnosis when he was 19 but, understandably, he didn't want to be labelled when as far as he was concerned, there was no problem. I felt anger towards his teachers and doctors, felt guilty for maybe not trying hard enough to get them to listen, and then there's the guilt for thinking That the choices he has made are somehow my fault. There's no point feeling bitter, or wishing that things were different. It is was it is and I need to deal with it.
    I hate that people judge others which is why I have kept so much to myself for years, but I guess their ignorance is their problem.
  • @Deeann hey there... you are right in that some people may judge... but yes, we must not take their thoughts or opinions personal. you are a loving mother...and you are present for your son... that's wonderful... let's not let guilt try to destroy our lives.. :)

    i pray for all of our sons... for a major shift in a more positive direction!
  • @Deeann... My youngest son has ADHD. He struggled so much in public schools that we had to find a boarding school that specialized in teaching kids with ADHD for him to go to his junior and senior years of high school. We do what we have to do, don't we?
    <3
  • Thank you @dominica You are so right, other people's thoughts or opinions have nothing to do with me, and as for the guilt, that's not gong to be useful to anyone .....need to let go of some of it at least.

    @DeanD Did your son take medication for his ADHD? Obviously mine didn't because he didn't have a diagnosis. I know that the meds aren't for everyone and the side effects can be bad but I have always wondered if my son had been given meds then he might not have chosen alcohol to self-medicate...I believe his ADHD has played a big part in this. I'm glad you were able to find a specialised boarding school for your son. Mine used to skip school a lot of the time, even after I had driven him to the school gates, never listened at school, didn't do his homework because he would zone out all the time then swear blind he wasn't given any. The list goes on as I'm sure you know
  • @Deeann... No, my son did not take ADHD medication. He tried it a couple of times, but he didn't like the way it made him feel. And as parents, we weren't going to force anything on him that made him feel uncomfortable.
  • I don't blame you, I would be the same.
  • @Deeann yes, you will be able to let go of that guilt over time... progress; not perfection!

    have a great day!
  • @dominica thanks. 'Progress not perfection' I love that! So he went out last night and didn't come home as usual. I woke up around 3.30am and texted him to see if he was okay and he replied to say he was. I then fell back to sleep for a few more hours, which doesn't usually happen. I have spent the morning doing my every day chores, instead of spending the entire morning doing nothing and worrying about him. He's just texted to let me know he stayed at his friends house and is still there now and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me, even though I didn't feel like I was worrying about him. I can't decide if all of this is progress or sheer exhaustion!
  • @Deeann good morning! thank you for the update. it is good to hear you are not stressing as much about his whereabouts and such.... and it can become exhausting worrying!!!

    i am curious... not sure if you've mentioned why he's living with you at age 24...and if so... is he responsible for partial rent? food? is there some sort of plan for him to get on his own feet? boundaries are wonderful tools that can help you live your life with some sanity.

    if it were me... and it was my son ... i'd have boundaries set. my house. my rules. and my kids know this... (this is why they chose to crash at their dads. because he enables them...no backbone to lay down the law...)

    partial rent. a job. and yes, even a curfew. no drinking or drugs at home. my house. my rules. whether they are 16 or 30... of course, there are exceptions to the rule...but you know what i mean. if we make it easy for our grown children to live at home, they'll more than likely never venture out.

    anyway, just wondering about that. i think Al-Anon and Cod. Anonymous do a great job at helping us learn how to set and keep boundaries out of love and self-care.

    i hope you allow yourself to have a wonderful weekend. you deserve it!
  • "If we make it easy for our grown children to live at home, they'll more than likely never venture out."

    Truer words were never spoken, @dominica!!!!!

    @Deeann... I'm glad to hear you're letting go a little bit. But think about establishing (and enforcing) some boundaries.

    Have a great weekend!!
  • Hi @dominica he lives at home because he can’t afford to move out on his own just yet, which isn’t that uncommon for someone of his age He works full time and pays towards housekeeping. He doesn’t drink or do drugs at home. He used to drink at home before going on a night out but now he just does it at someone else’s house. He doesn’t have a dad as a means for somewhere else to crash but nonetheless I can still put in more boundaries. Thanks guys. I’ll check out al-anon
  • @Deeann hey there!

    thinking of you this evening and hoping you are doing alright.... and your son! <3
  • @dominica Thank you. He went to the gym for a PT session this evening, which is good, but he did tell me that a few weeks ago he went out for a drink with his boss - a middle aged man with a drink problem, and he lent my son £50 to meet his friends later that night! His boss is also a neighbour of my parents' and I'm so angry with him! I know my son doesn't need any encouragement to drink but I don't want him dragging my boy in deeper. I'm worried as they work together and I think he's lonely and looking for company. He shouldn't be looking to my son for company.....there's a bigger age gap between them than there is between me and my son! This man also has another friend who is a lot younger than him and likes to drink and do cocaine. He introduced him to my son and that was the night my son and this friend went on a two day bender! The worst he's ever done! Apologies for the rant but this guy has seriously annoyed me!
  • @Deeann i hear you. that would get me too... our sons do not need anyone edging them on for sure!!! i hope that man can come to his senses.... that is my prayer. that he realizes what a dupe he is being... and stop it!! :)

    thanks for checking in. that's great your son went to the gym...
  • @dominica thanks. It literally makes my blood boil! Very difficult as it is......dealing with all these different emotions.
  • @Deeann hey there! just writing to let you know i'm t hinking of you and your son... sending intent that both our sons are desiring to stop drinking completely...and walk in the gifts they've come here with.... remember who they are...at their core...and come to a greater understanding of LOVE....unconditional love for self and others.

    Happy Friday.
  • @Deeann... Your son's boss lending him money is something you can't control. So as much as it makes your blood boil--and it would've had the same effect on me--try to let it go. The next time something like that happens, think about the Serenity Prayer...

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    Courage to change the things I can,
    And wisdom to know the difference.


    I am praying for both your son and @dominica's son. And my son, too. I hope all of our boys can overcome their issues sooner rather than later. And that we can have the strength to cope with things until they do. <3
  • @dominica @DeanD thank you. I agree with everything you both say, but it’s so hard! You both seem so accepting of the fact that you can’t make decisions for your adult kids....which is so obvious, yet im finding it difficult to accept at the moment.
    Love the serenity prayer, I need to read that every day.
  • @Deeann... I did not get to where I am overnight. My son has struggled with addiction and mental health issues for more than a dozen years. There's a learning process when it comes to being able to let go a bit. And it's not easy. You have to work at it. Even then, like recovery, it's about progress, not perfection. There are times, still, when I struggle mightily with decisions my son makes. Or things he does. But if I let those things get to me every single time, it would be incredibly toxic to MY life. And MY life matters, too.

    Big hugs to you, my friend.
  • @DeanD yes that’s what I’m worried about. I have always been so easy going, but I’m starting to get a lot of hate and anger inside me. I’ve only recently accepted that he has a drink problem as I hoped it was something he would grow out of after the novelty of drinking with his friends wore off . The cocaine use is fairly recent but I can’t pretend he’ll just stop like I hoped he would with the alcohol. I know that this is something I’m going to always have to work at. I don’t want this to start affecting my job etc, especially when I am unable to do anything about the decisions he makes.
  • @Deeann... Just wondering: Have you checked out an Al-Anon meeting yet? I think it would really help you deal with the hate and anger you have. I know it really helped me and my wife. In fact, my wife will tell you that Al-Anon saved her life when we were going through the worst part of our son's addiction.
  • I really feel for you. I have been following this post for a while now. It hurts just to read it as I was the addict that caused this type of problem for so many people that cared about me. I never gave a second thought to anyone accept myself after I was addicted to the life. I lied and said I only used when not at work or on weekends etc. What most people thought they knew about me was like the tip of the iceberg. I have been clean a long time and I wish I could take back the pain I caused. My best apology is doing well. Just know this is not about anything you did. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do. When your son is ready you will be there for him. I hope he finds his way as the longer you do that your brain starts working different and it only gets worse. The fact that you are still there for him helps and hurts as it is complicated. The support programs the others speak of for you will help a lot. You may surprised how much too.
    Best of luck to you and your son.
  • @Chulio... Thanks so much for that honest, caring, insightful post. It's always nice to hear from "the other side" of things. I'm so glad that you've been clean a long time and are doing well. Keep doing the next right thing, my friend. <3
  • @DeanD I've just had a look at Al-Anon and may go along to a meeting next week. Really good to hear they have helped you and your wife.....I just need to pluck up the courage to go. I have already noticed a slight change in my way of thinking,....I'm consciously separating my son from the addiction, and I can also see how becoming addicted to his addiction is completely pointless and won't do me any good. I have a long way to go, but it's a start.

    @Chulio thank you for your kind words. It's great you hear that you are dong well and have been clean for a long time...gives me hope for my son to change too. I think he's addicted to the life too. He always says he'd be bored if he didn't go out every weekend. Can I ask what made you decide to stop?
  • Well, I just knew I was done. I saw so much and knew it was just a matter of time before it killed me. Because I was using so much it just became too hard to be an addict any longer. I know I am one of the lucky ones.
  • @Chulio hey there. thanks for sharing. i'm glad you are not using anymore. that's wonderful!

    was it easy to stop? or did it take a while?
  • This weekend as been the worst.....behaviourwise. Long story short he went out with two friends and came back at 5am with two people - one male and one female. There was music and laughter etc until I heard the female voice crying. I went in to see what was happening and the woman had fallen and hit her head. Bearing in mind the three of them were drunk, one of them phoned the NHS helpline for advice but I ended up taking the call because I had the clearest head! Whilst the NHS operator was asking me questions and getting me to check the woman out, my son appeared to be upset I was giving her attention and threw things. Then he jumped out of the first floor window, I looked out and saw him in a heap on the grass. He said he was okay. I was advised to take the woman to A&E as she was drowsy. I did say it's probably because she's drunk, but understand she needed to go as a precaution. The guy had his arm around the woman and my son thought he wanted to sleep with her so tried to fight him. I stood in between them to avoid my son hurting anyone which resulted in him storming out I had no idea where he was and was so worried as he was in a terrible mood, and I was worried about what he might do. I took the woman and man to The hospital and then heard he had gone to my parents.......so I went there to try and calm him, and he eventually went to bed. . I am aware that I - unwittingly - enabled this, but I don't know what to do. I have just read what I have written and I can't decide whether to laugh or just give in and have a breakdown! How do you help someone who won't help themselves? The doctors and substance misuse charities have told me they can't do anything until he wants the help. I totally get that, but I'm at my wits end! He doesn't appear to have the fear that we're all supposed to have to protect us against potential danger.
  • I can't believe I just typed that.....seems surreal. This way of life is the complete opposite of who I am. I know that no one can help, as he has to get the help himself. There isn't anything I can do.
  • @Deeann wow, i'm so sorry you had to go through that... really. it really does suck...

    you are a loving mother and want the best for your son...and it is heart breaking to see them make decisions that are not safe....

    i can't remember if you've talked to him about moving out. i know @DeanD had to give his son an ultimatum when he continued to use... either get into recovery or treatment or move out. it wasn't easy, but it came down to that. letting him continue to live at home and bring such chaos to your life... is enabling him and making you crazy.

    i know parents that had to let their adult child go to homeless shelter, b/c they had had enough.... at some point, it's just enough.

    i'm glad you can come here and vent. there's always al-anon too if you need some face-to-face help through this time (especially if you tell him you're through letting his actions bring chaos to your life...and he needs to move out.)

    sending you big hug today. we know underneath all the "crap", he's a good kid with so much potential. we don't understand the "why".... and we don't have to, i suppose. but we do deserve to live our life with some peace of mind...best as we can.

    hope this helps.
  • I'm sorry, @Deeann. It sounds like you had a horrible night. And, quite frankly, it sounds like things have gotten a bit out of control with your son. The way he is behaving in YOUR house is completely unacceptable.

    Dominica is right about me and my son. My wife and I got to a point where we could no longer live with our son's behavior in our home. Did we love him? Absolutely. But did that mean we had to have him live in OUR house and disrupt OUR lives on a regular basis? Absolutely not! It was very hard for us, but we finally told him he had to get help or move out. Period.

    Ultimatums are not easy. And they are not always the best solution. But when you get to a point where you've tried most everything else, sometimes they are the only option. You should not be suffering like this--in our own home, no less--because of your son's behavior. You have a right to be happy and healthy in your home. And if him being there is preventing that, then I think he needs to go. That would be a natural consequence of his action, and sometimes it's those consequences that finally convince a person that they need to seriously examine how they're living their life.

    Obviously, every case is different. But I will tell you that giving my son that ultimatum was the best thing my wife and I ever did. It made our son realize that we were at the end of our rope and meant business. That his free ride was over. And it had a big impact on him. He finally accepted the help he knew he needed and things started to improve for him and us immediately.

    If you do decide to tell your son he has to leave, you have to be prepared for the worst. That's the tough part about all this. My wife and I knew that things could end up not going well, but it was a chance we were willing to take in order to preserve our sanity. We just couldn't live the way we were living anymore.

    If nothing changes, nothing changes. A simple phrase that is full of truth.

    We're here for you, my friend. I'm sending you lots of love today. Please remember that your life matters, too.
  • Thanks @dominica and @DeanD I'm so glad I have this place to vent, and I'm grateful for your understanding and support. I'm not sure about Al-Anon at the moment...I'd like to speak with others face to face but I'm not sure I'm up to it just yet. Maybe I'll just have to bite the bullet and go.
    'We don't have to undstand the why' that's something I'm always asking myself, as I really don't understand. You're right, I guess we don't have to.....it is what it is
    I agree that an ultimatum is needed if this is how it's going to be now. It's the hardest thing. My friend's brother was an alcoholic and eventually his mum couldn't take any more and asked him to move out. He moved out on his own, carried on drinking, and died age 30. It makes me feel sick to just type that on here. My family wouldn't see my son go it alone, I need to have a talk with him and tell him how all of this is affecting me. I've told him many times before but I think he thinks I'm being over the top about it all. I need to find another way to get through to him Today has really affected me. When I close my eyes I can see him jumping out of the window, then seeing him laying on the ground. How he didn't get badly hurt I'll never know.
    Thank you for your support, your words mean a lot ❤️
  • @Deeann... One other option would be an intervention with a professional interventionist. That could work. Just a thought. And you can always do an online Al-Anon meeting, too. That might be a good way to start out. You can find lots of online meetings at the In the Rooms website: https://www.intherooms.com

    Big hugs coming your way.
  • @Deeann laying down the law in this next conversation will be important. your house. your rules. period. you've given and given and given... and now, things must change.

    i agree an intervention may help.... but only if he's really willing to look at his "stuff".

    how are things going today?
  • Also--and you probably already know this, @Deeann, but I'm gonna mention it anyway--if you do decide to give your son an ultimatum, it's absolutely essential that you stick to it. If you suggest there will be consequences and then don't follow through with those consequences, your son will stop taking you seriously and continue to try and manipulate you. If you're not ready to stick to your guns, then don't go the ultimatum route. You have to be 100% ready.
  • @dominica @DeanD I had to Google intervention as I wasn't sure exactly what it meant or involved. It looks great, and it's definitely something to consider. Today he said that he has problems, which is great but I won't consider intervention Until I'm sure he wants to get help. I'm glad you mentioned it as it's another option to possibly think about in the future.
    I definitely can't think about giving him an ultimatum at the moment. I feel mentally and physically shattered today, and irritable. I went to work as usual, and as usual told my work colleagues I had a good weekend, when they asked me. For the most part, keeping my work and home life seperate is easy, but on the odd occasion I find it difficult. only two of my friends know what's going on with my son, the rest don't have a clue and wouldn't understand if they knew. Why would they? No one can know what it's like unless they've experienced similar. I'm a private person so wouldn't want everyone knowing my business anyway. My parents are great but my mum often takes it out on me and tells me I should be doing something to make him get help....maybe I could if I had a magic wand. I know She doesn't mean what she says to me but it still affects me. I think the online meetings will my next step. Thank you for the link.
  • @Deeann... There's a really good book out there called Love First: A Family's Guide to Intervention. It's written by a husband and wife couple who are both interventionists and addiction specialists. It's generally regarded as the best book out there on the subject of interventions. You may want to check it out.

    And if you haven't already, you should explain to your mum that you can't make your son get help. She just doesn't understand the disease. It's like someone telling you, "Why don't you just tell him to stop?" Remember: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. As parents, we frequently long for that magic wand. I have, too, soooo many times. But, unfortunately, it doesn't exist.
  • @DeanD thanks, I'll check it out.
    I have explained to her many times that I can't make my son get help, and deep down she knows this is true, but she still carries on saying stuff as she gets frustrated with the situation. My ex boyfriend was even worse. He didn't know the half of it and I didn't involve him, but on the rare occasion I said some thing he'd say 'you need to sort him out'.....great advice!
  • @Deeann Good morning.... let us know how the online meeting goes! While reading your post about others reaction to what's going on, it made me think of Brene Brown's video on empathy... Short clip on it if you want to see it. Great to think about when dealing with your son.... and anyone for that matter... and, as far as us and you, it's like she says.... i don't really know what to say right now...i'm just so glad you told me.

    the not going into "fix it"mode and just connecting at that level can be powerful.

    Check it out:

  • @dominica I love the video! It explains the difference between empathy and sympathy, brilliantly. I studied counselling a few years ago so I'm always mindful about being empathetic towards others...including my son. I think as it's been gong on for years I'm now finding it more difficult. I think I need to reconnect with that. I'm also getting fed up and impatient with the many people out there who don't appear to have much empathy. I think I'm gong to book some annual leave from work so I can take some time out to try and clear my head, and help me to deal with my son's situation more effectively. At the moment I'm too stressed to think clearly. I have signed up to 'intherooms' I just need to have a look around the site for online meetings.
  • @Deeann taking some time for YOU will be great. nurture yourself... fill yourself up in ways that work for you. breathe.....

    i attended an online video meeting earlier today...it's kinda nice to have the face to face and just hear people share... while watching, it helped me feel some compassion and gratitude at the same time.... if you catch a meeting, let me know what you think!
  • @Deeann... Thinking of you and your boy today. I also wanted to share this quote about self-care with you. It's from my favorite author, Anne Lamott:

    "You can change the world with a hot bath, if you sink into it from a place of knowing that you are worth profound care, even when you’re dirty and rattled. Who knew?"

    I hope you have a wonderful day, my friend.
    <3
  • @dominica @DeanD thank you. I'd definitely like to attend a meeting....I didn't realise the online meetings were video meetings. I'll have a look. It will do me good to share experiences with others in similar situation.
    What a great quote! I'm sure I'm come across a few of Anne Lamott's quotes in the past. I think today has been the first day that I'm starting to feel the advice you have given, as opposed to just hearing and knowing what I need to do. It's like I'd forgotten who I am as an individual because I've been too busy worrying and stressing about my son. I can now see that by taking more care of myself will not only help me and remind me that I matter too it will also help me to look at dealing with my son's issues in a more positive way. I shouldn't feel ashamed or blame myself for what my son chooses to do, although if I'm honest, I still feel that way. I need to start reading my book 'co-dependent no more'
  • @Deeann happy thursday! thinking of you.... sending prayer and intent for your peace of mind today.... and big hug!
  • @Deeann... Here's another Anne Lamott quote that I turn to a lot:

    "Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

    Hope you're having a good day, my friend!
  • Thank you, I definitely need that quote to turn to.
    @dominica and @DeanD you guys are amazing! I feel like you both'get me' and I feel supported, and I trust that you know what is the right thing to do. I have even started reading the book on co-dependency. I bought that book three weeks ago but kept it hidden away because I didnt think I needed it, and also because I couldn't bring myself to look at it. My next step it to attend an al-anon meeting, either online or in person. The thought of it fills me with anxiety, and I want to run away. I still feel irritable and stressed about my son's problems, but I'm also starting to feel like I'm not alone, and there are people out there who understand.......that means the world to me ❤️
  • @Deeann :) So happy to be here.... I remember the first time someone told me I needed to go to a support group meeting I got angry. I thought I had it all under control emotionally... (um. no.) lol So glad I started that journey FOR ME... it's tougher than most people realize to have a loved one with an addiction.... for sure, but we are here for each other...and for that, I am grateful.
  • It's okay to feel anxious about going to an Al-Anon meeting, @Deeann. In fact, that's pretty normal. I felt the same way. And I felt the same way about going to therapy for the first time, too. I thought the idea that "other people" could help me with MY problems was crazy. But I learned in a hurry that I was totally wrong. Al-Anon and therapy helped me tremendously when it came to dealing with my son's addiction. And it made me realize that MY life was important, too. It's so easy to forget that when you're dealing with an addicted loved one.

    I hope you get some good tips from the Codependent No More book. It's so good.

    Remember that we're here for you. You're starting to feel like you're not alone because you're NOT alone. We DO understand. And we DO care.
    <3
  • @dominica I was upset too. I thought maybe I was exaggerating when I spoke about what was going in with my son, and it sounded worse than it actually is. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it....all I wanted was for my son to stop. I still don't want to attend any meetings, but I now realise they can actually help me. It really is tougher than most people think.
    @DeanD I'm finally starting to realise that my life is important too, I always felt that I can't do nice things for myself because it wouldn't be right when my son is having problems, and it would also mean I didn't care. I've reached the point where I could quite easily drive myself crazy through the stress and worry, or I can try and do something for myself to make life a little easier. I've only read the first few pages of the codependent no more book, and i can clearly see there is no denying that I am a codependent! It was as if she was writing about me.
    Yours and @dominica words mean so much to me. I feel lucky to have your support, and it would be a waste if I didn't do anything to help myself ❤️

  • @Deeann... Everything you're feeling is stuff I have felt, too. I used to question doing nice things for myself, too. I would do something fun and felt guilty afterwards. But I eventually learned that I had to take care of myself, or else I would go crazy. And that would be a bad thing, not only for me, but for my son and the rest of my family, too. Learning to practice self-care isn't easy. But I can definitely sense that you are making tremendous progress, and that's a wonderful thing. Keep reading that book and keep reminding yourself: YOUR LIFE MATTERS, TOO!!!
  • @Deeann hey you! hope you had a good weekend... practicing self-care! yes.

    i still work with that at times..and remind myself that what i want and need matters :)

    we are always happy to be here and encourage and support you however we can.
  • @DeanD @dominica thank you. Weekends are the worst days of the week for me as that's when my son goes out! I did sleep a bit better this weekend and I met up with my friend for dinner, which was nice, but i could still feel a black cloud hovering over my head until I knew he was okay. He was out all weekend as opposed to the usual one night, and he didn't go to work today as he still hadn't recovered. He could end up losing his job as he's had a lot of Mondays off due his weekend routine. I need to keep reading that book as I can feel myself shying away from it again. I think a part of me wants to run away from it all and pretend that everything is fine. You're both right in all the that you say.....I owe it to us both to keep moving forward. It's just so exhausting and frustrating.
  • @Deeann... It sounds like your weekend was better than a lot of your previous weekends. That's a good thing! You're making progress!

    I just want you to know that if your son does end up losing his job, that's a natural consequence of his addiction. That's the kind of thing that we, as parents, have to let happen in hopes that it will be a learning experience for our child. It's not easy watching your child struggle and mess up their life because of addiction. But we cannot become bogged down with wanting to fix them. Because we can't.

    We're here for you, my friend.
  • @Deeann hey there. i'm glad that you did something nice for you this weekend.. i am sure that it can weigh heavy on you at times... that's pretty normal. for me, i feel it, but i keep going with my life... doing my best to not allow my thoughts to be consumed with the "what ifs"....

    yes, if he loses his job (which he might), then that is a consequence that may jolt him...and you'll have the opportunity then to set and hold your boundaries.. no freeloading out of being irresponsible! no enabling... like dean said, we want the best for them, but we can't fix them...

    keep reading the book, and trying to stay focused on your peace of mind...

  • Thinking of you today, @Deeann. It's Friday, and I know weekends can be tough for you. So try and keep focused on doing things for YOU. YOU should be your number one priority!
  • @Deeann hey there! yes, it's the weekend!! i am hoping you have a good one...where you can focus more on You and less on what's going on in your son's world... i also pray that he will desire to make some positive changes...
  • Thanks @DeanD and @dominica Been feeling quite low this week and been suffering some anxiety where it has all felt a bit too much! He'll be going to he north London derby tomorrow. Kick off at 12.30pm which means the pubs will be opening early, so they'll be getting there for 9am. Little things have been getting to me and it's almost overwhelming. I haven't looked anymore at the codependent book because I'm worried it's going to talk about a persons addiction and I can't bear to read about that at the moment. It's strange because i have really enjoyed what I have read so far. Maybe I'll make it a priority to read some more in the morning.
  • @Deeann... You're allowed to move forward at your own pace, my friend. "Progress, not perfection" applies to loved one's of people with addiction, too. When you feel like reading more of the book, do it. But don't put any pressure on yourself. Also, if you haven't read the Beyond Addiction book yet, I think it would really help you. But again, proceed at a pace that's comfortable to you. And remember that we're here for you. <3
  • @Deeann i understand not wanting to look at some things at a deeper level... read when you feel led...give yourself permission to go at your pace...as dean said.

    it's not easy...and it takes time. we spent so many y ears caring for our children, wanting the best for them...and doing all we can to help them on their journey toward happiness. when that gets pulled out from under our feet (like when they turn adults)... it is not easy when they are making decisions that harm them... and we can feel their pain even when they can't.... so i do understand...

    for me, i have times when i'm doing great and living my life without any adult kid issues gaining ground in my mental space... and i have times where that's not the case.... helps to talk to others, and yes, helps to read about it or hit a meeting, or maybe even counseling... support can help.

    hope you are having a good day!
  • Thanks you @DeanD My stress levels have been really high lately, and my head all over the place so haven't been able to concentrate. However there is no reason why I can't read one page of my book.
    He's been out drinking all day, then went back out again this evening. I can't stand it!
    You've summed it up perfectly @dominica. I'm by no means perfect but I did try my best, and I do feel like all those years have been pulled out from under my feet.
    I'm really not in a good place and I know I have to do something to get out of this. Having some good days are better than not having any good days. I seriously can't carry on like this.
  • I can't believe it! He came home at 1am and he was sober! Turns out he just went to meet a friend for a few hours, for a catch up, then he came home. He appeared happy but was really tired and complained of a hangover from drinking during the day yesterday. I'm so happy because that also indicates he didn't use! My head is feeling clearer already, which probably sounds a bit weird considering he still got drunk, but I'd like to think this shows that he didn't feel the need to use, even whilst under the influence of alcohol.
  • @Deeann hey there! that's good news... totally believing he will continue to make good choices... not using, and eventually not drinking... that's my prayer. hope you have a great Sunday!
  • That's a good thing, @Deeann. It sounds like progress on your son's part. I will pray that he continues to make good choices, too. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!
  • Thank you @dominica and @DeanD your words mean a lot Hope you're both having a good weekend too.
    The book is out...........going to get some reading in since my head is feeling a little clearer
  • I hope the rest of your weekend went alright, @Deeann. And that maybe you got at least a little bit of reading done. One day at a time, my friend. For all of us.
  • @DeanD the rest of my weekend went okay thanks, as I knew where he was, and I knew he was okay.
    I've been reading the book when I get the chance and I wish I had more time because I'm now finding it difficult to tear myself away from it! I am so codependent, and have been for years! I have often wondered why I always attract people with big issues, and have been in relationships with people who have problems that I found myself desperately trying to fix! I also used to work with teenagers with behavioural problems, and/or special needs, and currently work in mental health (adults). I desperately wanted to fix all of them, even though deep down I knew it wasn't possible. It all makes sense now! I'm so pleased that you and @dominica have continued to encourage me to read the book! I can't believe my luck to have stumbled across this website and found people who seem to know exactly How to help....and for that I am so thankful ❤️
  • @Deeann ah, glad you are getting so much from that book! that was my first read when i discovered i was codepenent too... learned so much through the years, and healed a lot. ( i worked in mental health too!) as you learn, things make more sense...and you learn valuable life lessons.... what's yours and what's not!

    i remember carolyn myss teaching one time... about the tendency for codependents to "fix" others. she said, you're like the life guard...and someone falls in the pool and they need help..they're drowning, so you jump in to save them...swim them to shore...and instead of letting them go off on their own, you attach yourself to them and follow them wherever they go..... she said, as "healers".... we can certainly jump in and help those who need help... but then let them go on about their business. their life...as mature adults (or even immature) and climb back up on the life guard chair.

    that analogy meant to much to me. :)

    glad you're on the path... we are healers... light workers... just need to keep in check.
  • Great analogy, @dominica.

    And I'm happy to hear you're getting so much out of the Codependent No More book, @Deeann.

    Also, I think maybe it was more than luck that brought you to our community. Everything happens for a reason...
    <3
  • Hey I was just reading this and I want to share my story with you so maybe it will help you from his point of view I was born on June 5, 1993 I recently went to jail twice and the first one was for flipping and rolling my dad‘s explore on Christmas morning I was getting on I 75 and I was going way too fast obviously and started rolling on the intersection and I’m looking back at it now and I’m just so thankful there was no family going to Disney World, I was on Xanax bars I had two passengers in the car thank God no one got hurt and there was no one in the accident with us it was just us so everyone was fine and I was doing obviously a little bit of every drug there was and I decided well if I stop taking Xanax I should be fine and obviously that wasn’t The answer to my problem. when I was taking Xanax I was actually sleeping then I stopped taking them and I was just doing meth and I started not to sleep for weeks on end and then everything started getting bad I mean I don’t know if you guys know the side effects of meth but it’s not good you see things that aren’t there you believe things that aren’t true and everything gets torn apart I didn’t realize the effect that I had on my family and my mom especially my mom was always there for me she was going to chemo at the time that I fliped the truck thank God she beat cancers ass she’s doing a lot better now and everything is going good but I say all that to say there is the only one way anything is going to change is when your son gets hit with daylight I ended up doing two years in and I had to sign another two years of house arrest and four years probation I got out on September 27, 2017 and I’ve been sober since April 23, 2016 is when I went to jail and I know right now obviously my biggest problem is I can’t do drugs because I’m on house arrest and probation so I’m scared when I get off of this situation what I’m going to be like what I’m gonna do it I’m taking every day by day and trying to building and make every day better than the last but it’s going to be a scary to face reality one day when I don’t have these rules over my head and I have to choose to be sober and it’s not something that’s going to be easy and I want to let you know from his point of view probably he doesn’t realize the effect that he has on you and one day when he faces reality he will and I can guarantee you and him are going to have the strongest Bond ever all I can say is I hope you never let go of him because I don’t know what I would do if my family would of let go of me (they had about a million good reasons to) and I just want to say that to say just you got to hold on and take every day as it is and one day at a time I promise you it does get good it will be really good I hope all this helps you a little bit and you enjoy your night and my mom told me all the times that she had a bunch of sleepless nights and she told me the first week when I was in jail that she slept so good because she knew I was safe and I just hope it doesn’t take what I went through for your son to realize how much better life is when you’re actually sober I realize it’s actually kind of scary I don’t even know who I am because I’m a whole different person and it’s so good A really good thing but it’s scary at the same time I’m sorry if it’s a little long I just read this and I thought that was the reason why I read it I hope this helps a little bit and I hope nothing but the best thank you for reading.
  • Hey, @JoeyMenje... Thanks for that insightful post. It's always interesting to hear things from the other point of view.

    I'm happy nobody got hurt when you rolled your dad's Explorer. And I'm proud of you for being somber since April 23 of 2016. That's a great accomplishment! As far as maintaining your sobriety after "the system" is no longer checking up on you... You just have to work hard at it and take things a day at a time. Get yourself a good support network now so it'll be in place when you really need it. Go to meetings, too. And maybe help others who are struggling. Your insight could really be beneficial to a lot of people.

    We're here to offer up help and support anytime you need it, so don't hesitate to come back whenever you need someone to lean on. There are a lot of caring people here who just want to help others. That's what we're all about.

    I'm sending you lots of positive juju, my friend. Keep doing the next right thing, and keep reminding yourself that you are waaaay better off being clean and sober.

    Thanks again for your post!
  • @dominica thank you. the book is fantastic! I just know I'm gong to learn so much from it! The analogy made me smile as I can totally relate to the first part. I attach myself to him and follow him wherever he goes, and I still can't stop him from falling into the pool again, but I carry on regardless. I need to learn to climb back up on the lifeguard chair.

    Thank you @DeanD I believe that everything happens for a reason too. Definitely not just a coincidence.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story @JoeyMenje I am so glad that no one was hurt, and you are now sober. You are exactly six weeks younger than my son and it hurts me to hear what you have been through. I'm aware of the effects of taking meth (and other drugs) - the hallucinations, paranoia, psychosis, etc. I see it regularly through my job and its horrible for all involved. I'm so glad you no longer suffer with that. You are so right to take things day by day. My mind tends to run away with itself, and I need to bring myself back into the present and look at how things are today, I need to remember that. Your family sound great! My son and I are very different, but we are close and he will always be my everything. He definitely doesn't realise the effect he is having on me. I think he thinks I'm being OTT about it all. It sounds like you've been through so much, and also come so far, so don't give up! I totally get how scary it can be when you are sober, but I'm glad that life is also much better for you now. I hope and pray that you continue to make progress, long after your house arrest and probation ends.
    Thanks again for taking the time to share your story. It does help me to hear your side of things. It can be so easy to forget how my son might be feeling when I've been busy concentrating on driving myself crazy over something I have no control over.

    Ps so good to hear your mom beat cancer


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