My son refuses to accept he has a problem

My 24 year and old son has been taking cocaine for around the past year and it's becoming more frequent as time goes by. He has also been drinking alcohol at least once a week, since he was 18. I have tried my best to help him but he isn't interested and says I'm being dramatic, and he's fine. He isn't fine. Even when he was found unresponsive in the street by a passer by, last March, and ended up in resus, it didn't appear to phase him. His doctor is aware of the situation but is unable to help as my son says all the right things to him, he's been offered counselling, and help from drugs and alcohol misuse charities but he's not interested. I'm tired of dreading the weekends week after week, the sleepless nights and wondering where he is and if he's okay. I have tried to get him help for years and feel totally helpless as he is slowly getting worse. I also feel like I have failed as a parent, and I feel isolated because very few people know about his situation. I'll always be there for him but I don't know how to help him anymore. I'm also angry with him for not taking responsibility for himself and I feel like my life is on hold. I hope this post makes sense.
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  • @Deeann hello and welcome! thanks for reaching out. i'm sorry you and your son are struggling... it can be challenging when a loved one is struggling with addiction...and will not acknowledge it...

    it's pretty common as a mom to feel like you did something to cause this, or you feel like a failure... i have felt that exact way at times (my adult son drinking)... and i have felt shame and fear and more....

    this is the thing about dealing with others with any addiction.... we didn't cause it, can't cure, can't fix it. only they can. and that's tough to hear....

    for me, i had to learn how to take care of myself... my emotions about it...

    support groups can help. al-anon, nar-anon can be helpful. there you will meet others in similar shoes....and get a sponsor/mentor if you want. someone to talk to, and work the steps if you want. you will feel less alone...and they can offer strength and hope...

    i'm going to leave a link to a good article geared for parents of grown children, where the child is an addict.

    it sounds like you have done all you can....for your son. and now the tough part of accepting that you can fix this...can't make him see... but learning how you can best support him at this time... can help.

    here are some books to look through. see if one resonates with you and maybe read... might help

    https://www.recovery.org/6-essential-books-for-those-with-an-addicted-loved-one/

    here is that article...

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lifetime-connections/201410/7-tips-mothers-adult-addicts

    i know for me, i can't say i'm never affected by knowing my son is drinking to cope with his pain... it does, but i don't let it rule my life... i have had conversations with him...pointed him in the direction he could go if he chooses to get help...and i love him...spend time with him...and don't hyper focus on his drinking.... i remember who he is without the addiction... a good soul. i pray regularly...give it and him to god... and reach out for help when i need.

    hope this helps.
  • Hi Dominica, thank you so much for your reply. I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with your son too, it's the hardest thing when you feel so powerless to help your own child. You're right, I think the next step for me is to learn how to take care of myself, and deal with the many emotions I feel about it, as it's driving me crazy!
    Thank you for the links, and your lovely post......I've been praying lately.......don't know what else to do. You have given me hope that there are ways I can deal with this better. I couldn't bring myself to look at the links earlier, as I didn't want to acknowledge that the article/books relate to me and my son. I will take a look now.
  • @Deeann hello there! so glad you are going to begin self-care. it's a process....and takes time. i find myself starting to think and worry at times, but i tend to pray instead now, instead of worrying... i'm understanding better now the reality is that our children have choice...free will... and their decisions are based on them...not us. and i believe the best for him too...i envision him getting through this...getting better...

    i am here if you ever want/need to talk.
  • @Deeann... Welcome to the community, my friend. I'm sorry to hear about your son's struggles, but I'm very happy that you found us and reached out. I'm the father of a 28-year-old son who has struggled on and off with addiction for the last 13 years, so I know a lot about what you're feeling.

    First off, let me reassure you of something: This is NOT your fault. Like Dominica said, Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach us that we didn't cause our loved one's addiction, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. As a parent, it's so easy to put the blame on ourselves. We can second-guess our parenting until we're blue in the face, but the fact is... this is NOT our fault.

    The blog that discusses "6 Essential Books for Those with an Addicted Loved One" that Dominica shared the link to is something I wrote. Over the years, I've read many, many books about addiction, and the six that I discuss in that blog are my favorites. I especially like the Beyond Addiction book, which I think is something you should get your hands on and read ASAP. It's written specifically for parents and partners of people struggling with addiction, and it's full of incredibly helpful information. It will teach you how to communicate better with your son; how to talk to him to help motivate him to want to change; and, most importantly, how to take good care of yourself while you're dealing with your son's issues. Self-care is sooooo important!!!

    Definitely look into Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, or SMART Recovery Family & Friends (12 step alternative) meetings. They WILL help you. You will realize that you are not alone, and you will find comfort in talking to people who know exactly what you're going through and feeling.

    As parents, we think we should be able to fix our kids. We're so used to being able to take care of them and love them out of their problems while they're growing up. But addiction is a serious disease, not a boo-boo that can be cured by putting a Band-Aid on it and kissing it. There is no magic wand to cure it, either. It's something only the person who's struggling can overcome. We have to educate ourselves about it and be supportive, but we can't fix it.

    We are here to help you any way we can. We can give you support, advice, or a place to vent, so please don't hesitate to come back and lean on us whenever you feel you need to. Because we care.

    I am sending you lots of love, light, positive energy, and hope. I will also say a prayer for your son and your family. Believe me, I know what you're going through, and I know it's not easy. But trust me when I tell you that you have to take care of yourself first. If you don't, both you and your son will end up suffering, and that is not a good thing. You have to stay healthy, both physically and mentally, so you can be supportive of your son if he makes the decision to change his life. If you become addicted to his addiction, that won't be possible.

    Reach out anytime you need to.
  • @Deeann Dean brings up a good point, in that we do understand a bit of what you're going through...and it's important to have some sort of support network (your peeps) who will support and encourage YOU on this journey... to remind you to pull back when you're crossing boundaries or regressing into worry or enabling, etc.

    That's one reason support groups are so helpful. They help us remember it's not our fault... and our life is important... and helps us learn how to set and keep boundaries...and love the addict unconditionally from there... from a healthy detachment...and not taking the addiction or the actions of the addict personally.... b/c addicts tend to lie, steal, deceive, etc... not all, but many... and some of that behavior stems from the addiction....

    anyway, i hope you are having a good day!
  • Thank you Dominica, I totally understand why you now tend to pray instead of worrying. Worrying has got me absolutely nowhere ! In fact it just makes me feel a hundred times worse. Thank you so much for your advice and support, it really is appreciated.
    Hi DeanD, thank you for your reply. I'm definitely going to check out al-anon and nar-anon in the near future. It feels a bit too much for me at the moment. The books you suggested look great and the Beyond Addiction one stood out the most for me. I ordered it last night along with Co-dependent no more. Thank you for the recommendations. I already feel incredibly lucky to have stumbled across your website and feel like both yourself and Dominica really do get how I feel. The part where you said about becoming addicted to his addiction is something that I feel I am doing, lately. I hate that I am living in his world of alcohol and drugs, and I'm starting to resent anyone else who does it, or even anyone who makes an innocent joke about getting drunk etc. I'm even starting to resent families who don't have these issues! It's affecting my self confidence and I feel like I'm losing sight of who I am......then I feel guilty for worrying about myself .....angry that he's doing this to me......upset that he's suffering......I need these books! I akso want to run away and pretend this isn't happening. I'm hoping the books and your forums will help me to fully accept what is happening and deal with it properly.
  • @Deeann... Everything you're feeling is normal. The wanting to run away. The resenting other families who don't have kids struggling with addiction. Etc. I used to say that I wanted a pause button so I could put the rest of my life on pause while I dealt with my son's issues. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that. So we do the best we can with what we know at the time, and we try to learn as we go along. That's really all we can do. And you can never go wrong with love. I know it's not always easy, but loving your son is the one thing you can do. Remember: He's not a bad person who needs to learn to behave better; he's a sick person who needs to get well. There's an old saying... Love the addict, hate the disease. I think that sums it up nicely.

    We're here for you.

    By the way... If you don't feel ready to do an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting in person, they do have online meetings you can "attend." That might be a good introduction to the concept.

    Also, there's a companion workbook to the Beyond Addiction book called The 20 Minute Guide. It's a really great tool and you can find out more information about it here:

    https://the20minuteguide.com

    Sending you more positive juju. And hugs. Because I know you need both.
  • Thanks DeanD. Your pause button comment made me smile. I would love to have a pause button! That's just it, he's not a bad person. He's gorgeous both inside and out, and I adore him. You've reminded me I need to remember not to take the addiction personally. He actually told me today he thinks he has a problem with consuming too much alcohol and drugs. It's a big step but he refused to talk about it further than that. I don't know if he'll choose to get help anytime soon. I hope so. My books arrived today but I haven't been able to bring myself to look at them. It's not usually like me to not face up to things. Need to get reading ASAP. Thank you for the links, an online meeeting might be just what I need.
  • @Deeann... I'm happy to hear that your son admitted to having a problem with drugs and alcohol. You're right: That's a big step. Hopefully he'll be able to talk about it more. And maybe he'll even decide to get some help. It's definitely progress, though. And recovery is all about progress.

    Sending you more positive energy and hugs. I hope you have a great day.
  • @Deeann good morning! I'm so glad that you're feeling hopeful. And that you ordered those books. getting those will certainly give you a good dose of encouragement and practical tips to move forward.

    That's wonderful that your son spoke to you about his behavior. that's a sign that he's at least willing to look at it momentarily. I wouldn't expect him to go into details with you. If he's anything like my son, he finds it challenging to talk to anyone about his inner world. I have noticed over the past year, that as I've backed off and let my son be, he's more apt to talk more.

    We definitely know how you feel and it's not a fun place to be. Yes, our sons are amazing, beautiful souls and it does affect us they're hurting or hurting themselves. but it doesn't have to control us.

    I read one time about our roles as parents of adult children . we always want to give them advice , but they really don't want advice from us. they want the freedom to be able to choose , even if that means choosing poorly. my daughter has taught me a lot about listening and not offering advice unless specifically asked for.

    now after listening to her when she does feel like sharing, I let her know that I hear her and I ask her if there is anything I can do to support her . instead of just saying "you need to do this and you need to do that", I offer support and prayer.

    So glad that you are here journeying with us. I will include your son when I pray for mine. have a blessed day !
  • Thanks guys. Dominica to mentioned as you've backed off and let your son be, he's more apt to talk more, well I backed off about three weeks ago and yesterday he said he thinks he has a problem. The only reason I backed off was because I was so upset and frustrated with his behaviour, and knew that whatever I said wouldn't make any difference. I didn't stop to think that my backing off might actually help a little bit, although it's obvious now you've mentioned it. I've spent years just hoping he's going to stop, because I didn't know what else to do. Now, for the first time I feel like I have the tools to help me to look at my own thoughts, feelings and behaviour, as well as my son's, and hopefully I can learn to move forward now.
  • That's an awesome update, @Deeann. Sometimes a little space will do wonders for communication. I'm glad you're feeling like you have the tools to help you deal with both your feelings and your son's issues. Go forward, be brave, and keep the faith! I will continue to pray for you and your son.
  • @Deeann so good to hear your outlook now... it's a process for sure.... a learning process... i think learning how we can best be there and support our children...without overstepping boundaries or giving unsolicited "this is what you need to do" advice.

    For me, remembering that my son is not the addiction... and the addiction is not my son. I love my son; don't like the addiction...

    Hope you are having a great day!
  • Thanks DeanD and Dominica. We moved another step forward today. He went back to the gym for the first time in many months, coincidentally bumped into his personal trainer, they swapped numbers and my son is going to book some PT sessions with him. He even commented how great he felt for going back to the gym, and half joked that the high he gets from working out can replace the drugs etc. I told him how pleased I was, that it was a success, I'll support him with it anyway I can.......and left it at that. I resisted the urge to say anything else and felt quite proud of myself! These days the mere mention of the words alcohol or drugs gets my back up, so keeping my mouth shut was definitely progress. I'm amazed at the changes that have taken place in the few days since I contacted you. I'm not so naive to think that everything is okay again, but for tonight, I feel like I have my son back again.
  • That's great news, @Deeann. And yes, the high your son gets from working out CAN replace the high he gets from drugs. He's definitely taking steps in the right direction. And as I like to say, even baby steps will eventually get someone to where they want to go. Remember: Progress, not perfection!!
  • @Deeann hey there! was thinking of you last night.... sometimes i start to worry about my son.... so i prayed hard last night... went for a walk and felt bit better...

    i am glad to hear your son is making some efforts! :)

    have a great day!
  • Thank you DeanD and Dominica. Well the weekend has just begun, which means the worrying is back. I’ve just dropped him off to meet his friends. I’m hoping it will be okay as he doesn’t have much money left until pay day. Worrying is exhausting I’m sorry to hear you worry about your son Dominica. I haven’t even stopped to think that anyone else on here who might be struggling - quite selfish. I think I need to familiarise myself with this site as I seem to be burying my head in the sand!
  • How do you switch off when your adult child goes out drinking every single weekend? Then the drinking might lead to drug taking.........it always leads to asking to 'borrow' money (£100 or more each time). I understand that people have addictions but I never dreamt my own son would progress this far with it. I feel like my brain is permanently preoccupied with worrying about him, yet I feel powerless to help.
  • @Deeann... For one thing, don't give him any money. If you do, you're just enabling him. And if he's meeting friends to go drinking, maybe don't even give him a ride there. That's just making things easier for him, i.e. enabling.

    It's hard to switch off the worry, but you learn to do it. Although, it's been 13+ years for me, and I still fall victim to the worry on occasion. My son was clean for 2 years, and it was great. But, he's back to struggling on and off, so I do get stressed out on occasion. You just have to remember that YOUR life matters, too. If you stay stuck in that worry mode, you're putting yourself in a little prison and not enjoying your life.

    One more thing...If he's living with you and going out drinking, you are perfectly within your rights to set boundaries for him. Like telling him if he wants to live in your home, he can't drink. I know that won't go over well, and you have to be prepared to stick to your guns and hand out consequences if he doesn't respect the boundaries. But it's something you have the right to do.

    I'll keep sending you positive energy. You're not alone. Always remember that. And always remember that YOUR life is the most important one.

    Big hugs coming your way. Try to let go and detach a little this weekend.
  • That's exactly how I feel, like I'm in my own little prison and can't concentrate on much else. I didn't give him any money but I did give him a lift to his friends. I think I always hope that this time he won't go overboard!
    Wow 13+ years! I guess you had no choice but to learn to switch off otherwisecwho knows where you'd be now. Yes I do need to put in boundaries ...I didn't expect things to get worse. I haven't even looked at the books as I don't think I want to accept that any of its content applies to me......silly really.
    Thank you.
  • @Deeann I agree with Dean that you giving him money is only enabling him...and even rides. Tough love is required.... and if that means sitting with him and making a boundary list... or rules.... I think that would be great. He's an adult...and as such, ought to be fully responsible for his finances, and working toward securing his own place....or paying you some rent.

    Tough love... and adult kids need it.... He may balk now, but years down the road he will see why.

    My son lives with his dad, because he enables. I made it clear from the time they were nearing adulthood, that mom will never enable. I will bless or help them ONLY if they are doing their best, working.... and not engaging in addictive behavior. I have said no to buying my daughter a pack of smokes before when she was low on cash.... Nope. Not when you're being lazy and have an entitlement attitude. I love you, but daughter, you are a grown woman fully capable of working and making wise financial decisions.

    Tough love...unconditional love. Not easy, for sure.

    I think we just learn over time.

    Have you sat with him and discussed rules? Boundaries?

    I'm sorry you are struggling... Do your best this weekend to not enable, and focus on YOU. nurture yourself. do something nice for you.....
  • Hey, @Deeann... How are you doing today, my friend? How did the weekend go? Did things get better after the shaky start on Friday? I hope so.
  • Hi @DeanD he did his usual thing on Friday, staying out long after his friends went home, and ending up staying over at a strangers house, but Saturday was better as he he came home straight after watching his football team play. He's been complaining of a headache and I wonder if it's the effects of his drinking and possible drug taking from last Friday. His mood also isn't great at the moment. I'm always suspicious of who he's texting or talking to on the phone, in fact I'm suspicious of everything, even if there's no need to be. I do struggle to see how I can switch off when the person I care about the most, is doing this to himself and doesn't appear to know how to help himself.
  • You just have to practice the "switching off," @Deeann. That's really the only way you can get better at it. It's like anything else you want to get good at: Practice, practice, practice. I know that sounds overly simple, but it's true. And even after practicing a whole lot, you'll still fall back into the trap. It's just a natural thing because you're a parent. And he's your son. And you care. I know exactly what you're going through.

    Just try to let go a little. And when you start to worry about something like who he's texting or talking to, or what he's doing out so late, try your best to do something else to distract you from those thoughts. Easy? Not at all. But absolutely necessary, or else you'll drive yourself crazy.

    Sending you love, light, hope, and hugs.
    <3
  • Yes I’m definitely slowly driving myself crazy. I don’t want to switch off because it feels like I don’t care, yet at the same time I know that my worrying and stressing has zero effect on the choices he makes. I don’t feel like I can hold my head up high because I haven’t managed to raise my son who knows how to help himself
  • This has nothing to do with you, @Deeann. Trust me. It's normal to feel that way, but remember: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

    I share this passage with a lot of parents I talk to, and a lot of them say it helps. I know it helped me. It's from the book Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction by David Sheff. Give it a read and tell me if it makes any sense to you...

    "Like many in my straits, I became addicted to my son's addiction. When it preoccupied me, even at the expense of my responsibilities to my wife and other children, I justified it. I thought, How can a parent not be consumed by his child's life-or-death struggle? But I learned that my preoccupation with Nic didn't help him and may have harmed him. Or maybe it was irrelevant to him. However, it surely harmed the rest of my family--and me. Along with this, I learned another lesson, a soul-shaking one: our children live or die with or without us. No matter what we do, no matter how we agonize or obsess, we cannot choose for our children whether they live or die. It is a devastating realization, but also liberating. I finally chose life for myself. I chose the perilous but essential path that allows me to accept that Nic will decide for himself how--and whether--he will live his life."

    It took me a long time to accept what David Sheff talks about in that paragraph. But when I did, I was, like him, liberated. I probably read that passage 500 times over the course of a few months. And then, one day...It stuck.

    You are not alone. Remember that. And the fact that you are here, seeking support and advice for what your son is going through makes you a GREAT parent. Believe it or not.

    Big hugs. <3
  • Thanks @DeanD. It's a difficult passage to read, but it does make sense. I have never looked at myself as being addicted to my son's addiction, but thinking about it I guess I have been for years. I was a teenage single parent and thought that I'd have my time once he turns 18., but in the last six years I've never been so preoccupied with him. I'm forgetful, and don't really listen to half the things anyone says to me in everyday life. Inside I get irritated by other people's minor problems, even though I know that I'm being unreasonable, and I don't feel like I can concentrate on what I want out of life. 'We cannot choose for our children whether they live or die' is definitely a devastating realisation for me, but certainly not liberating. I have saved the passage as a screenshot so I can refer back to it. never in a million years did I think my child would choose this path, but then I guess no parent does.
  • @Deeann that quote got me too.... it is a devastating realization... and i thought honestly, it sucks... i think for me, i can get sad that my son is struggling, but i can feel that AND keep on with my life, doing what i'm passionate about. meaning, his life and actions, and even his pain level does not have to stunt my growth, or keep me in a prison..... i feel his pain... sure do.... but i choose to stay lovingly detached, pray.... reach out and stay connected (while not lecturing).... and live my life. it's a practice for sure.

    the Buddhist path has helped me.... God's ways help me. I think it's each person finding what works for them...

    so glad you are here, and i pray for our sons freedom from addiction of any sort. that they find hope, faith, and themselves....their true selves!
  • @dominica 'I choose to stay lovingly detached' I like that...though it certainly sounds like an art form. I do feel very sad when I check in here.....I think that's because I'm acknowledging that he has a problem and have found the right place for support. I guess it's confirmation that he really does have a problem....makes it more real....I'm not even sure if that makes sense.
    Buddhism has always appealed to me, but like most things I don't seem get around to exploring anything any further.
    I'm starting to feel slightly less alone now I've found you guys.
  • I understand how you feel, @Deeann. I, too, thought I would wave goodbye to my sons when they turned 18. I thought that would be the time that my wife and I would start to really do things for ourselves and have the opportunity to enjoy our "golden years." Unfortunately, both of my boys have addiction and/or mental health issues. They're 28 and 22. And it's not easy. But I try to take things a day at a time.

    I'm glad you're feeling less alone since you've found this forum. We're glad you found us!
  • I'm sorry to hear both of your sons are struggling @DeanD. My son has always had ADHD symptoms and autistic traits when he was growing up - though isn't autistic. I always knew there was something not quite right but his teachers and doctors weren't interested. I got a private diagnosis when he was 19 but, understandably, he didn't want to be labelled when as far as he was concerned, there was no problem. I felt anger towards his teachers and doctors, felt guilty for maybe not trying hard enough to get them to listen, and then there's the guilt for thinking That the choices he has made are somehow my fault. There's no point feeling bitter, or wishing that things were different. It is was it is and I need to deal with it.
    I hate that people judge others which is why I have kept so much to myself for years, but I guess their ignorance is their problem.
  • @Deeann hey there... you are right in that some people may judge... but yes, we must not take their thoughts or opinions personal. you are a loving mother...and you are present for your son... that's wonderful... let's not let guilt try to destroy our lives.. :)

    i pray for all of our sons... for a major shift in a more positive direction!
  • @Deeann... My youngest son has ADHD. He struggled so much in public schools that we had to find a boarding school that specialized in teaching kids with ADHD for him to go to his junior and senior years of high school. We do what we have to do, don't we?
    <3
  • Thank you @dominica You are so right, other people's thoughts or opinions have nothing to do with me, and as for the guilt, that's not gong to be useful to anyone .....need to let go of some of it at least.

    @DeanD Did your son take medication for his ADHD? Obviously mine didn't because he didn't have a diagnosis. I know that the meds aren't for everyone and the side effects can be bad but I have always wondered if my son had been given meds then he might not have chosen alcohol to self-medicate...I believe his ADHD has played a big part in this. I'm glad you were able to find a specialised boarding school for your son. Mine used to skip school a lot of the time, even after I had driven him to the school gates, never listened at school, didn't do his homework because he would zone out all the time then swear blind he wasn't given any. The list goes on as I'm sure you know
  • @Deeann... No, my son did not take ADHD medication. He tried it a couple of times, but he didn't like the way it made him feel. And as parents, we weren't going to force anything on him that made him feel uncomfortable.
  • I don't blame you, I would be the same.
  • @Deeann yes, you will be able to let go of that guilt over time... progress; not perfection!

    have a great day!
  • @dominica thanks. 'Progress not perfection' I love that! So he went out last night and didn't come home as usual. I woke up around 3.30am and texted him to see if he was okay and he replied to say he was. I then fell back to sleep for a few more hours, which doesn't usually happen. I have spent the morning doing my every day chores, instead of spending the entire morning doing nothing and worrying about him. He's just texted to let me know he stayed at his friends house and is still there now and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me, even though I didn't feel like I was worrying about him. I can't decide if all of this is progress or sheer exhaustion!
  • @Deeann good morning! thank you for the update. it is good to hear you are not stressing as much about his whereabouts and such.... and it can become exhausting worrying!!!

    i am curious... not sure if you've mentioned why he's living with you at age 24...and if so... is he responsible for partial rent? food? is there some sort of plan for him to get on his own feet? boundaries are wonderful tools that can help you live your life with some sanity.

    if it were me... and it was my son ... i'd have boundaries set. my house. my rules. and my kids know this... (this is why they chose to crash at their dads. because he enables them...no backbone to lay down the law...)

    partial rent. a job. and yes, even a curfew. no drinking or drugs at home. my house. my rules. whether they are 16 or 30... of course, there are exceptions to the rule...but you know what i mean. if we make it easy for our grown children to live at home, they'll more than likely never venture out.

    anyway, just wondering about that. i think Al-Anon and Cod. Anonymous do a great job at helping us learn how to set and keep boundaries out of love and self-care.

    i hope you allow yourself to have a wonderful weekend. you deserve it!
  • "If we make it easy for our grown children to live at home, they'll more than likely never venture out."

    Truer words were never spoken, @dominica!!!!!

    @Deeann... I'm glad to hear you're letting go a little bit. But think about establishing (and enforcing) some boundaries.

    Have a great weekend!!
  • Hi @dominica he lives at home because he can’t afford to move out on his own just yet, which isn’t that uncommon for someone of his age He works full time and pays towards housekeeping. He doesn’t drink or do drugs at home. He used to drink at home before going on a night out but now he just does it at someone else’s house. He doesn’t have a dad as a means for somewhere else to crash but nonetheless I can still put in more boundaries. Thanks guys. I’ll check out al-anon
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