Leaving a loved one to addiction

Hi, I’m so alone and sad right now
I’m still grieving for my ex who I left three months ago he is a heroin addict,
I just want someone to say everything will be ok, just things don’t get better
Today I nearly packed my things and left everyone I just don’t know what to do i feel lost and afraid of what may happen my journey has been a rollercoaster and I can’t even begin to list everything as it would take so long
I’m just so sad I had to leave the man I love as he lost everything
I wish I could just turn back time and start again
  • 38 Commentsby Likes|Date
  • I know how you feel @eallen. I remember we both started here with similar problems around the same time.
    Would you believe I was just coming on here to write my latest update which for me was going to be quite easy, or so I thought ?
    I had been seeing my now ex on a fairly regular basis so it wasn't as bad as your situation but all the same I've lost her through the lure of easy money to continue feeding her habit.
    I don't know that I can offer any advice to you. I don't know where you are in the world but everywhere I read the suggestion is therapy or councilling. I can't get that here and I've worn my friends and family out trying to talk about it with them.
    I know it's not what you want to hear but time is a great healer, you said before you were going to the gym, did you carry on going or not ? I find that a great help and I would say to you to start doing it again if you have stopped.
    I've had bad days where I don't want to get out of bed, where I can't be bothered to make or eat food, where I will buy the local whiskey and try and get steaming drunk to get it out of my system, where I've cried and screamed at God for putting me through this, I've had the days when all I can think about is dying because I can't see any point in carrying on with this shit life I have. It passes though for me.
    Try and make yourself active and try and keep active.
    There are people here in the same boat as you and believe me I understand but remember one thing. 
    YOU WERE NOT AT FAULT, YOU CANNOT HELP SOMEONE THAT DOES NOT WANT TO BE HELPED.
  • Hi @bubblegum I have had a year of councilling yet nothing seems to work I could
    Go back but I would have to pay, I was at the gym but have quit as o don’t get time to go with having my children and Work I do try and go for a walk or run when I can just feel so tired constantly I’m sorry your still having problems it all is so hard I just don’t know what to do
  • @eallen... I'm sorry you're still feeling alone and sad. I wish I had a magic wand that I could use to make you (and @bubblegum) feel better. But, unfortunately, magic wands don't exist in the real world. So, all I can really offer you are words; and I'm not sure how much my words can help. 

    I just want to reiterate to you that it's okay to grieve. Grieving is how us human beings deal with loss. Unfortunately, the grieving process can be long and incredibly hard. But we have to go through it. We have to trust the process.

    I don't know if I've shared Anne Lamott's thoughts on grief with you already, but I'm going to include them here because I think she does an amazing job of summing things up. She is my very favorite author and her words have helped me get through some incredibly difficult times in my life. This excerpt is from her book Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith

    “Grief, as I read somewhere once, is a lazy Susan. One day it is heavy and underwater, and the next day it spins and stops at loud and rageful, and the next day at wounded keening, and the next day numbness, silence. I was hoarse for the first six weeks after Pammy died and my romance ended, from shouting in the car and crying, and I had blisters on the palm of one hand from hitting the bed with my tennis racket, bellowing in pain and anger.

    I was terribly erratic: feeling so holy and serene some moments that I was sure I was going to end up dating the Dalai Lama. Then the grief and craziness would hit again, and I would be in Broken Mind, back in the howl.

    The depth of the feeling continued to surprise and threaten me, but each time it hit again and I bore it, like a nicotine craving, I would discover that it hadn’t washed me away. After a while it was like an inside shower, washing off some of the rust and calcification in my pipes. It was like giving a dry garden a good watering. Don’t get me wrong: grief sucks; it really does.

    Unfortunately, though, avoiding it robs us of life, of the now, of a sense of living spirit. Mostly I have tried to avoid it by staying very busy, working too hard, trying to achieve as much as possible. You can often avoid the pain by trying to fix other people; shopping helps in a pinch, as does romantic obsession. Martyrdom can’t be beat. While too much exercise works for many people, it doesn’t for me, but I have found that a stack of magazines can be numbing and even mood altering. 

    But the bad news is that whatever you use to keep the pain at bay robs you of the flecks and nuggets of gold that feeling grief will give you. A fixation can keep you nicely defined and give you the illusion that your life has not fallen apart. But since your life may indeed have fallen apart, the illusion won’t hold up forever, and if you are lucky and brave, you will be willing to bear disillusion. You begin to cry and writhe and yell and then to keep on crying; and then, finally, grief ends up giving you the two best things; softness and illumination.”

    I will continue to send you positive energy and hope for a happier future. Please know that there are better days ahead. Things will be okay. I know it might not feel like it now, but you'll just have to trust me on this one.

    Love and light to you, my friend.

  • Thanks @DeanD it sure is a mind blowing I haven’t seen that quote reading it seems so true though brought tears to my eyes I hope
    One day I will get there I sure do just keep
    Going and hope for the best , I know I really should have a more positive frame of mind I have so much good going for me yet each day I just think of the negatives I’m so glad when each day ends on hope the next day will
    Be better still
    Hoping
    Thankyou
  • Thanks @DeanD that is a good quote, I’m ok very tired but still keeping strong Trying to keep busy and sleep as much as I can to reenergise myself
  • Glad to hear you're keeping strong, @eallen. Keeping busy and getting good sleep are both good strategies. I am sending you tons of love and energy. You know we are here for you anytime you need us, my friend.
  • Thanks @DeanD I’be not been well for a few days now, I heard from him last week by another message saying goodbye I don’t know perhaps it reallly is this time who knows I’m sure it won’t be the last time I’m feeling ok a little scared but just keep thinking it’s my life and I can do what I like I shouldn’t be afraid to live how I want to
    Thankyou
  • You are soooo right, @eallen! It's YOUR life! And you deserve to be HAPPY!
  • Hi so an update, I have met someone I’ve been seeing now for a month and he is so kind and lovely I can’t help but feel guilt for me finding happiness, although it scares me as I’m so anxious things are going to go wrong, I feel like I should be honest with this man and tell him that he has contacted me I worry what if he finds out and hurts him should I tell him my worry’s he knows that he was a drug addict but has no idea he still contacts me on the odd occasion I still ignore it but am
    On edge that he could just turn up
  • @eallen... I'm so happy that you've found someone who is making you happy! That's so wonderful! You deserve kind and lovely, my dear!

    As far as feeling guilty about finding happiness... Please don't. This is something you deserve, so you shouldn't feel guilty. I recommend that you enjoy each and every moment.

    And as far as being honest with your new beau... I don't think you have to say anything. At least not right now. If you feel comfortable saying something later on, or if for some reason your ex should show up or something, then you can explain things. My personal opinion is that someone you're dating doesn't have to know every little detail about your life, or your past...at least not that early on.

    Try to relax and enjoy this new happiness that's entered your world. Life's too short to feel guilty and worry! :)
  • Thanks @DeanD I should focus on the happiness not the what if could happen. I will continue to find happiness and hope all works out for the best hope you are well
    Thankyou
  • @eallen... I just saw this on Twitter and thought of you...

    "You've got to do what's right for you because in the end, life goes on, people lose interest and you deserve to live your life to the fullest everyday." --R.M. Drake
    image
  • Thanks @DeanD that’s a really good quote .... time for me to find happiness and enjoy life
  • Hey, @eallen... How are you doing, my friend? Just want you to know I'm thinking about you. Hope you have a great week!
  • Hi @DeanD I’m doing ok thankyou , had a great weekend, thankyou for thinking of me
    Hope you have a great week to
  • Hi so I thought I’d come on share my last week, so I am trying to get on with my life as best as I can a a few days ago I heard from him a message saying hope you haven’t moved on yet and I love and miss you when I’m clean I will contact you as I want you back, so I ignored it, I just can’t do it, it’s driving me insane I’ve met a guy who I’ve seen for the last 6 weeks really nice however he smokes weed , well I don’t know what to think I worry because of drugs but then he’s such a nice guy is weed such a bad thing? And then he told me he loves me I didn’t respond he doesn’t know what to think I just feel it’s to soon to say those words so it freaked me out and I haven’t seen him for 10 days still in contact though , i just felt so overwhelmed someone feeling that for me I wanted to run, I know I’m not over my ex and I still love him but yet this really nice guy has feelings and I can’t say anything I’m scared it will all go wrong I don’t want that attachment again
    I’m so confused it’s gave me headache for three days ! Why is life so complicated when it doesn’t have to be, I saw my ex last week as I drive by it was so sad I saw him look back at me as I looked in the mirror and it saddens me so much we are apart even though I no it’s the right thing and I no I don’t want to go back
    Thanks for reading
  • @eallen... It sounds like you have a lot to think about. Relationships certainly aren't easy, are they? Just remember that you're allowed to take things at a pace that is comfortable to you.

    As far as the weed goes...I'm not crazy about weed, but I still think it's better than alcohol. And it's just so prevalent these days. You'll have to decide if it's a deal-breaker or not.

    Sending you lots of hope and strength, my friend. :)
  • thanks @DeanD for me it seems hard I guess
    I just have to be me and do what’s best I’m certainly not ready for a commitment to anyone,

    For now I need to enjoy being me and put the time and effort in to my children and see how things go it’s been a long week looking forward to a relaxing weekend

    Hope you had a good week
  • "For now I need to enjoy being me."

    I love that @eallen. So profound!

    I've had a good week and I hope to continue that streak through the weekend. I wish the same for you, too.
  • Just listening to some Motown Sound - Smokey Robinson and Sheryl Crow singing  "You've really got a hold on me",great sound!Enjoy listening to them so much but  can't but help notice the lyrics of this hit of S.Robinson and The Miracles .Is it just me or is it about the relationship between an emotional manipulator and a codependent person?You just have to hear this:

    " I don't like but I love you,

    You've really got a hold on me,

    Though you treat me badly,

    I love you madly,

    I don't wanna kiss you,

    But I need you,

    I wanna leave

    I don't wanna stay here,

    Don't wanna stay another day,

    You've really got a hold on me! "

    I think it's not just my imagination but listen for yourselves and can leave a comment as you wish!The music is fantastic,though!

  • @changeyourself thankyou yes you are so
    Right I’ve just listened to it and it sounds very much like that, amazing how song lyrics relate so much to a person I do struggle listening to music that relates to me it does upset me but sometimes it can relax me and think of happy times rather than just the bad
    Hope you are well
  • @eallen,

    I'm doing fine,thank you!Just relaxing this weekend.I'm so glad you listened to the song.Amazing stuff ,isn't it?Had I not suffered the abuse,I would never have paid attention to the lyrics of the song,so you see how we learn and grow from the pain.I've come to dig deeper into things,to look for the message in a lot of things and events,what might the lesson behind events be,what am I supposed to learn from this traumatic experience. Besides, I like listening to the "old " Motown sound,music is such an inspiration for me, I listen to it almost everywhere I go,even when I travel on the bus or walk to and from work on my tablet .It's such a bliss for me! 

    I  can see from your posts you're still struggling and I can understand how hard it is for you but you need to keep going for your own peace of mind and personal improvement.I know things will get better eventually,just try to work on self-care,self-management and respect yourself first for others to respect you.I heard in a you-tube video some advice I find very useful-if a relatinship is draining youir energy,you lose your peace of mind over it ,then it's a  toxic relationship and you need to get out of it or you risk your mental and physical health.You should follow your peace of mind first and then,follow your bliss,the thing that you really,really enjoy doing.Addicts can become really narcissistic because of the addiction and this means they start behaving like narcissists-selfish and manipulative and stop caring about how much they hurt you or your feelings.What's more ,there is something else - there is the so-called trauma-bond which exists in abusive,toxic or problematic relationships which makes it even more difficult to let go of the toxic person and the past.You can look the term up if you want 

    I'd very much like to hear from you that you are happy and relaxed and I know this will happen eventually,just keep going and always think that you are not alone in this and there are a lot of people out there who wil appreciate the person that you are!   

    Sending you lots of positive vibes and have a nice weekend!

  • @changeyourself thankyou for your post, I’m trying me best to overcome all of this and I have read so much about codependency and addiction , it’s two years this week that we split up properly where he left my kids and me and came to my home, seems crazy it was so long ago I spent so much time still trying and seeing him when I could i just couldn’t leave then now I have a few months back it’s still so hard I wish he didn’t live in my town it would be so much easier , when I see him around it makes me sad like we were never together ! I still feel he has hold on me like I can’t move on and I have realised I cannot have a relationship with anybody yet it’s far to soon and I push people away as soon as they have feelings my love is still with him , he says he will contact me when he’s clean but Itvwont make no difference I can’t get back into that relationship to many things happened the trust has gone , it’s so painful knowing two people love each other yet can’t be together I now don’t believe he did it to hurt me unfortunately addiction is far to strong which I have learnt a lot about, one day I hope I will be happy for now I’m just living each day as it comes and trying my best to be me hope you are well glad you’ve had a relaxing weekend
  • @eallen,

    I am really sorry you are still going through difficult time. I wish I could give you a definite time as to when you'll start feeling better but unfortunately,this is not possible.It's different for every person.Remember this phrase from children's fairy tales : "I wish I had a magic wand "and change the situation with just pointing it at a person and making a wish .But reality is different from fairy tales as we all know, so it needs much more effort and pain to recover.It makes it tougher if you see him around occasionally,you need to be strong and practise self-care because you deserve to have a better life for you and your kids.It's not easy to be a single mother,I know how isolating it might feel at times.At the same time it gives me a lot of opportunities to do other things that I like doing - listening to music,watching videos,reading tons of information on the Internet,listening to guided meditations,going to the beach in the summer etc I have found so many wonderful people here,in this forum,and it's also theraupetic for me if I feel  I can help with some advice or just by sharing experiences.It's very healing for me.  

    What you are doing is great - one day at a time,that's fine and keep doing it.Eventually,it'll become easier and you'll feel more relaxed!Try to avoid meeting or bumping into him by chance  as much as possible and try not to reflect too much on what it "could have been,had it not been for his addiction".Pay attention to the now,the present moment,let go of the past and focus on the present moment! He needs to deal with his issues and you have your life to live!Live it to the fullest !Sometimes in a relationship co-dependent people make their partner their whole life and when the partner is gone,they find it hard to go on because they actually don't have who or what to turn to - this is part of the problem ,too.You need to build a life without him and feel comfortable in it! Then you'll meet the right person who is mature enough and  ready for commitment!

    Take care and have a wonderful Monday!

  • @eallen... Sending you lots of love, light, and hugs. I hope you have a good week, my friend. :)
  • Thanyou @changeyourself I know one day il feel much better for now it’s just getting through the tough time, I’ve learnt that no matter what I do I can’t change the past I just need to look forward to the future and enjoy myself along the way
    Hope you’ve had a good few days
  • Thankyou @DeanD have a great week to sending you hugs back ;)
  • Hi, so it’s the weekend! I’m trying my best to stay positive yet I feel
    So I feel weak again, I can’t get out of this state of mind, I feel depressed and angry at myself I’m struggling so much I’m all alone again and night after night I just think about my life my past and how much I messed up and can’t help but feel pain now I wish o could go back to my previous life with my ex husband it makes me realise he was my life why did I leave and get into a relationship with an addict I’m so cross maybe I should tried harder I should saved my marriage and now I’m divorced and lonely and have no energy to look after my children, I make it hard for myself and I’m so stupid for letting my ex make me feel this way I’m still in love with my ex and miss him so much even though I hate what he did perhaps I’m just angry or perhaps there’s still love maybe I could of done more I know I shouldn’t feel like that but how do I get out of this life, downing my sorrows with wine is not going help yet I feel so lonely I want to scream out for help but I can’t do it, the nightmares I have are unreal and when I search what they mean it’s all about feeling trapped in a life I can’t get out of cause I know he has a hold on me like I can’t move on I don’t want to move on I don’t even know what I want how silly is it to even think perhaps if he is clean could I be with him when I’m alone and him not be around my kids how could I lead two separate life’s I can’t even believe I’m thinking that way I’m so angry with myself I just want to be happy everyday and forget him there is no answers
  • Go easy on yourself, @eallen. Maybe practice some self-care this weekend. You deserve it.

    Sending you love, light, hugs, and positive juju. :)
  • Hi @eallen
    I found this some time ago. I know what I'd answer, how about you ? 

    Are you really still in love with her, or are you just tired of
    being sad?

    Do you miss being with your ex specifically, or do you just miss
    the comfort of a relationship with someone who knows you? 

    Do you really want to change for this person, or would you
    rather be with someone who does not require you to change at all?

    Has she changed?

    Is she happy?

  • Thanks for sharing that, @bubblegum.
  • Thanks @DeanD I will try my best trying to rest and take it easy as I can thanks @bubblegum that is very true when you think about it it’s mainly being lonely and not in a relationship but I am so not ready for a new one hope your are both well
  • @eallen,

    Weekends and holidays can sometimes be tough to handle because we have more free time,our mind is not occupied with everyday activities but we have to try to overcome the gloomy mood and thoughts that make us feel trapped.

    Maybe accept the way you are feeling ,don't try to fight it ,these are your feelings but then think about what would make you happy at that particular moment.Except for calling your ex ,of course :)

    There must be something you would like to do for you,something nice and nourishing.For me a nice meal,something delicious that I've cooked with fresh ingredients is what brings me pleasure.On weekdays I don't always have the time to cook every day,that's why on weekends I   catch  up with home-cooked meals.Going to the Mall to hang out for a while,walking around the shops,having a glass of home-made lemonade is something else which puts me in a good mood.I heard in a video about a site called meetup.com for people that have similar interests.It's not a dating site,just going for meet -ups with people just for the fun of it.Have you heard of it,maybe you can try it ? There are no meet-ups in the part of the world where I live ,otherwise I would have tried this myself.

    Let go of the past,you can't change it, such thoughts may just keep you stuck and prevent you from moving on with your life.. Have you tried journaling  about what has happened to you?... It can be a  great way of putting your thoughts on paper and  may help you to sort things out.This way you can re-read everything the  next day or next week  and  see if you can find something to give you peace and make it easier for you to come to terms with your situation...

  • Thanks @changeyourself it’s a good idea to write down my feelings I will give that a go, I find it hard to get out as I’m a single mum with two young children so when I’m sat alone at night it makes me feel worse and I end up going to bed and sleeping as I get so upset and anxious when I can get out I make the most of it your right though this time of year and Christmas is a hard
    Time for me to deal with I will try my best to overcome my feelings though I no it will get better just seems to go from bad
    To worse right now hope
    You are well
  • @eallen... Thinking of you and sending you tons of love and light today. :)
  • thanks @DeanD I’m still hanging in there trying to keep positive sending you lots of positive thoughts :)
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