Boyfriend Heroin addict- part 2

I wrote a long message yesterday about my experience dealing with an Heroin addict, I know after reading it most people would say it must have been difficult for me, but I should be happy I'm not with him anymore and I just get help and work on myself.
Yes, I agree to all that and i am getting help.
But it's very easy for someone to say to me I should be happy I'm not with him and get on with my life. 
I'm sure someone could relate to how devastated I feel and I'm struggling to get through my day. He broke me down and took not only my money, my car, took a happy person and totally destroyed me. We did have some good times and laughed & and had fun, but mostly his whole life was getting money and getting drugs, and anything else was 2nd. As I said perviously, I knew from early on when I 1st met him he had qualities and his personality was that he appeared to be a nice guy. I know underneath all the drugs and his disease that he is a good guy, and that's why I stayed all these years hoping 1 day he would show me he loved me. That never happened. He has a big support group of family and tons of friends, he is very friendly and outgoing and has friends from back when he was in highschool and college, I'm sure he is doing better. It hurts so much when this guy relied on me for so much and for so long to totally want nothing to do with me again.  The rejection is one of the hardest things about this whole situation. I was always there for him. I do not have friends and family to turn to about all this. Year's ago when I had a fight with my boyfriend, I turned to people and lost friends over telling people I was dating an addict. Basically, they thought I should know better and told me to break up with him and weren't supportive at all. So here I am, reaching out for some comfort and support.
Thanks for reading this.
Hugs to anyone out there who can relate.
  • 55 Commentsby Likes|Date
  • @Alone... I understand where you're coming from. Honest, I do. Love is an incredibly powerful thing, and it's very difficult to separate from someone you deeply care about, even if the circumstances warrant it. Yes, it's probably better for you in the long run. But that doesn't make it any easier. You are a human being and you can't just turn off certain emotions like you turn off the kitchen faucet. 

    I'm sending you lots of love and light. It's okay to grieve. But I hope that you will take some time to practice some radical self-care, too. Please know that we are here to listen and lean on anytime you need us.
  • My boyfriend is on heroine it's so hard. To be with.him I hate. It
  • @Princess and @Alone... You may benefit greatly from reading some of the books mentioned in this blog:

    I'm keeping both of you--and your boyfriends--in my thoughts and prayers. Don't forget to take good care of yourselves, okay?
  • Hi Princess, Sorry to hear what you're going through, I know it's tough and hard to be with your boyfriend, I totally understand how you feel. Hope you're doing well?

  • @alone I have just read your post and I know how you feel, it's so hard loving an addict my ex was on heroin and crack and it destroyed me so much I left about two months ago and it's been tough but I'm getting stronger as time goes on, just can't believe I lost him to drugs makes me so upset and sad he was such a lovely person he had so much to give then he went back to drugs and he wasn't the man I fell
    In love with I wish you well and hope you come out stronger and find the happiness you deserve
  • @Princesss hey there! how are you doing?? 
  • Thinking of you today, @Princess. If you feel like sharing more of your story with us, we will listen. We are here to help you and support you any way we can. You are not alone, my dear.

    @eallen... Thank you so much for your honest and insightful comment.
  • @Alone ;Hey there. Thank you for sharing. We are here to support and encourage you however we can. No judgment at all. It's certainly not easy to be with an addict, and it's certainly not easy to break up with one, or to even deal with the aftermath of it all.  It can be heartbreaking, and you're left with some emotions to contend with, oftentimes feeling alone. I'm sorry that you had to go through that, and I hope that just by us being here for you to share your story, somehow that will help you. 

    I remember being in a toxic relationship that I wanted out of because it was toxic on both our parts. It took me years to get to that point. I felt so unloved, by my partner and by myself. I relied too much on my partner for feelings of love and acceptance and worth. So of course, the thought of leaving scared the hell out of me . that challenging Road eventually help me to learn how to love myself more and become a stronger, more independent person. But at the time, it was emotional hell and I ended up having an emotional breakdown. I totally get it.

    How are you doing these days? Feel free to share here anytime. We might not have the best advice or the answers, but we will certainly listen and just sit in silence with you if we must.. You're not alone, in the fact that we are here the best way that we know how. Sending Big Love Your Way.
  • Thinking of you this afternoon, @Alone. We are here for you, so please reach out anytime you feel the need.
  • Hello,
    It has been a horrible week. I found out somethings that put my pain on another level. I don't even wish this kind of pain and hurt on my enemies.
    I found out from a reliable source that my ex is doing great.  No lingering effects of his long term Heroin use. He back to is old self, social, outgoing, talkative, wants to be in touch with everyone and is the life of the party and everyone wants to be around him, he always had a large group of friends. This person told me that my Ex never talked about me and when he asked about me, my ex said he basically wants to erase and pretend he never was with me, that he never loved or cared about me. That he couldn't wait to get clean and get a real Girlfriend( meaning I didn't mean anything to him, I was a fake GF) He found a Girlfriend within days after Detox. The person said he was shocked, and would never have through that, cause it wasn't like my Ex to talk to like that and this guy saw us together and knew my Ex lived with me.  When I heard this, it made total sense. He just used me and took everything he could from me. He needed me when he was on drugs, he was having issues with his family and he got comfortable being with me. While we were together, I questioned why he was with me, he barely ever showed any affection or that he even cared, he would always say he wasn't feeling well or we just had a fight and he can't cuddle .I'm sure anyone reading this is horrified hearing this and knows how much pain and all of the other emotions I'm going through. Well, it's not over it gets worse.  I know in previous messages I said my Ex blocked me from everything.  Well, over the last 3 weeks, since we last talked, I have sent 2 texts to him.  Which I know he didn't get. After hearing what I just heard, I sent him my texts to his email address, this was yesterday. I wrote a lot in the texts and was honest and opened up and told him how I felt and that I was hurt and just a lot of stuff, very long message. Within 15 minutes he responded. He said he has a GF and his whole life changed and he's back to being his old self.  He can't talk he's with her.  He said to me I hope you meet someone and I wish you luck. When I made a few comments, within a few minutes, his GF said to leave him alone. He's moved on and she suggested that I do the same. He doesn't want to be your friend and never cared about you and wants nothing to do with you. Stop texting him, we're blocking you, Go Kiss Off, which everyone knows what they really said. ( it's so clear my EX hates me) I really don't get why, since I was there for him. Now I get why he blocked me.  I don't think anyone understands what hearing this did to me.  Those 4 years with him was a total waste of my time and life.  I feel like I'm in a nightmare and the scares and emotional neglect and abuse won't go away that easy.  I might have not been the best person all the time due to his drug use, but I know for a fact that I don't deserve this treatment or hurtful things that my ex and his GF said to me. Hearing that someone you were with,who you loved and cared for and that they can't admit they did anything wrong or can't take responsible that they hurt me, is unforgivable. Him not talking to me was bad enough, and I felt rejected. I never thought I would feel worse communicating with him. This was a total Painful slap in the face and a reality check for me. This man has No Clue how he destroyed me and beat me down emotionally. I have to take my life and happiness back even if it's baby steps and learning how to live again, I need to do it. I can't be broken down anymore, there is only one way to go and it's up.  I will not spend any more energy on him, this part is hard, and people might think I'm crazy, but I still love him. I will do my best to not put my energy on me and work on my self. I have to do this for me.  I am crying throughout this whole message and I want to thank everyone for their support, comfort and all the kind words, I appreciate it all.

    Hugs for everyone.

  • @eallen, I hope you're doing OK?  I know what it's like being with an Addict. You lost your BF to Drugs and I lost mine to getting clean and sober.  Thank you for the support.
  • Hi @alone
    So sorry to hear what your going through , I fell the same I wasted four years of my life in someone who compeletely broke me down, I was emotionally abused and neglected that’s how it felt, it feels horrible to be used I did some stupid things back then but I realise now I did it cause I loved him, even if he did get clean I wouldn’t take him back I would never trust him again, perhaps with your situation just think positive that you are out of that life perhaps it’s the best for you so you don’t have to feel any more heart ache I always think if I stay he will always be an addict something will happen again whether it’s heroin or alcohol , try and look after yourself now feel at peace that it’s not your problem anymore I know that’s not easy as I’ve found it so hard
    Look after yourself

  • @eallen ;I'm glad that you're out of that toxic relationship too, even though it is challenging I know. I think our exes can have a special place in our heart, but that doesn't mean that we have to be with them and share life with them. I look at my past relationships and look at the lessons I learned about myself and life in general. Just trying to keep growing and evolving , 

    thank you so much for sharing your insights here.
  • @Alone... I'm so sorry you're in such pain. You put a lot into that relationship and ended up getting treated like dirt. Unfortunately, a lot of relationships end that way. And despite the pain such break-ups inflict, we just have to move on. It's okay to grieve, so allow yourself to feel that pain. But at some point, pick yourself up and get on with your life. Because YOU matter. If you continue to wallow in the pain your ex caused you, you're letting him win. You're letting him control how you feel, even though he's off and living a happy life now. And that's just not fair. You are a beautiful soul and will find the love and happiness you so richly deserve. I know that. 

    Sending you tons of hugs. Please feel free to come here and vent anytime. We are here for you. 
  • Hello,
    This has been another tough week. I wasn't able to cut ties with my EX. After he and his new Girlfriend(barely after 1 or 2 weeks) said those things to me in, I wrote in an earlier message, I need more closure and understand why My Ex was acting and treating me the way he just did.  Well, I'm not the type to give up that fast( that's a good thing or a bad thing depending how you look at it) I asked for him to meet me or talk about things so I felt better.  His response was mind blowing and still to this day, a few days after hearing it, I'm still having a hard time coping, dealing, the hurt,  the pain and anger and total shock and disbelief of what he said. I wrote him a long message, and he just said move on and that wasn't a good enough answer so I sent another message.  This time, what he said to me, I have NO words for what I felt when I heard this. These are my Ex's words --- What we had was not a relationship by any means, it was a F--ked-up friendship.  I needed a place to stay and you invited me to move in. We barely talked or got alone. I really don't know if it was the Heroin that's made him think these things, and he doesn't have the ability to say the truth.  Let me start off by saying, who would put the time and effort in a friendship. Who would invite a friend to live, Totally Rent free, let them use your car, give them money(only in the beginning), buy them food, do their laundry, have Sex with them, I could continue on... etc. Just for a friend. I don't know anymore who would devote 4 years and willing only to be friends and both everything I did. This is  Over the TOP Crazy. .  All I could say is Love is Blind. As far, as him moving in, yes I did invite him, but at any time he could have gone back to his parents house( they begged him all the time to move home) As far, as us not talking another LIE, I know so much about this guy, we were always on the phone and he was living with me and we together everyday. As far, as us not getting along at times, this is partially true, he is an Heroin Addict, and acted crazy, unstable and hard to deal with, WHO can get along with that. Just so I would stop texting his, he wished me luck, and said Goodbye. I asked again for Closure and he came back with I do Not want to see you, it's over. Well, because I got emotional, I pushed even though I should have just stopped. I texted some more, and got a response of, I'm clean now, working and have a Girlfriend, got my old body back and  my whole life changed. The past is the past. Leave me alone before I report this number to the Police. I'm serious!!!!!!
    I'm sure who ever is reading this knows I pushed too far, yes I agree and disagree at the same time. I did stop at that time.
    I said to myself, this guy used me and took advantage of me because he knew I loved him and he used that against me. He used me for 4 years and when he got clean he through me out like I was GARBAGE. In all the texts, I told how i felt and that I was upset and he totally ignored everything I said, Never said Sorry, never even acknowledged he had any part in doing anything wrong ( like I was talking about another person). He never love me, never cared about me. I don't get why he stayed? This guy has gotten away with many things and got Free Passes, on so many things. He screws up or does something wrong and he gets out of it, I witnessed it.  My best anology would be, when they say someone got away with Murder, My Ex is So guilty, won't admit he did anything, doesn't take responsibility, doesn't have to deal with any consequences, and walks away like nothing happened and has No Remorse what's so ever, that describes things perfectly. This whole relationship and I will call it a relationship, was 1 sided, it was me doing everything for him and him giving excuses why he couldn't give me what I needed. Like, he didn't feel well, we just had an argument.  I stayed with him because I really thought that him on drugs was causing most of the problems and I was hoping things would be better. I had NO idea he never even thought we were in a relationship. This guy couldn't even have a relationship on Heroin even if he wanted. His whole day was who and where can he get money, the stories he needed to come up with for money, getting touch with his dealer and getting a ride to get Drugs.  The Drugs was his Girlfriend not me.  He is a Sick person for Doing what he did to me, I don't know how he lives with him self, Well, let me change that, he totally wiped everything away, and wants to keep it in the past. He thinks I'm a horrible person for Doing things to him, which is a total LIE, I don't know if he doesn't have the ability or just doesn't care, to See the Truth on what happened and what I actually did for him. He prefers to erase everything.  What actually gets me mad and why I continued texting him was, he wants me to believe, that in 1 to 2 weeks, his whole life has changed and he's back to his OLD SELF. Almost like he wants me to believe, that now that he's not Doing Heroin and I'm not in his life everything is Great.  Well, I'm not an expert, but I don't think after doing Heroin for almost 5 years straight, that in 1 or 2 weeks, he Perfectly Fine. I sat for awhile, thinking about everything, and the things he said really upset me and I was getting angry at myself for allowing this Man to do this to me, even though I wasn't aware of His agenda and how he really felt about me.  If things were so Bad for him being with me, why was he living with me and sleeping in the same BED for all those years & how he could think or believe I would give him 4 years of my life to be his friend. If he truly thought that I believed we were only in a Friendship, who would get so upset and hurt over losing a friend like I Am, this doesn't make sense.   Well, what I came up with was getting the closure that I needed to truly end things and as hard and painful as it is.  I needed to get the last word and Make MY Words Sound LOUD and CLEAR.
    Most of the message wasn't Nice and it was right to the point,
    I started by saying he is Needy, can't be alone and Co-Depedenant, and I wanted him to saw his GF the message so she knew what kind of guy he was. I told him HOW DARE he do what he did to me and that it was totally intentional, he is a COLD and heartless person. I told him everything he said was a LIE. I said everything I did for him was out of love and caring for him and that I was with him for a Relationship Not a friendship. That he is An Heroin Addict and can't even be in a Relationship and that he is selfish. He is an Addict and will treat anyone around him Badly. I stayed with him because I wanted to. Other stuff I said too. I ended it with saying Now I will get my Closure. I told him he estroyed me and Broke me down. I hope his Girlfriend dumps him and he can't find a New one and he lose's almost everything and he is Miserable and he feels the kind of pain and suffering I felt. I said I can wake up from this Nightmare and be free of the Heroin Addict who is not even close to be recovered and get my life back. If I knew the truth on how he felt about me, this never would have continued for years. I learned a tough hard lesson being kind, caring, loyal and loving to the wrong person will get you burned .I said Karma, Karma. Watch out for it  You will never see me or hear from me again. I"M DONE.  NO Need to Reply. 
    I'm sure he was Glad to know I won;'t contact him again.
    When I said I was DONE, I meant it.  It's been Days, and even thought, I'm still struggling, crying, in pain, in shock.  I do feel better I sent him that Text, He Doesn't deserve ME. I had a total Emotional Breakdown for a few days and lost it.  I will admit that.  I'm a little better now and will continue moving forward and work on Being the best person I can be and work on any issues I have to make the next relationship a Happy and Healthy one.  Didn't mean to Write the Next Best Selling Novel, LOL
    Thanks for reading
  • @eallen, I hope you're doing well? I know it's been rough for you.  I'm thinking about you.

  • @Dominica & @eallen, yes my Ex does have a special place in my heart. Some many things make me think about him, even going Food Shopping or other local stores, its hard. I have no other choice, but to learn from this relationship, and grow as a Person.
  • @Dean, I had a hard time with what Ex was saying and still doing. But begging and going after someone who doesn't want me, is hurting me more. I Do have to Move on as painful as it is. Continuing sending him texts and acting Crazy like I did, is giving him the Power and Control and it's not helping me. It's definitely not far, he just leaves and his doing great(or putting on an act for me), I need to take care of me. Thank you for the kind words. Its' hard to hear that someone that doesn't know me can think so much of me, buy My Ex can't see it.  I'm having a hard time seeing it after I have been abused and not cared for in years.  I will work on feeling better about myself and believing when someone says good things about me. 
    Again thank you for being supportive and kind.

  • @alone I’m doing ok thankyou still sad and struggle at times but much better and I can tell
    You no way is he clean after a couple weeks after five years , my ex was
    Clean for a couple weeks on meth though so not really I thought wow he’s doing great and then no it went down hill straight away it would take months years to get clean , I feel for you with everything he has said but just know he’s not him talking he probably is struggling and in a life of drugs still, he prob wants you to think he is clean when he ain’t that’s my thinking anyway , you need to break free and let go as hard as it is it took me years to break free and each day goes by and I feel happier and glad I don’t have to worry about it, there were times he said he hated me he didn’t want me but that wasn’t him talking it was drugs I felt used all the time I gave him everything I would drop everything to help him I lent him
    Money brought him food even drove him to get his stuff I feel ashamed I did it but I did as he begged me would cry and scream at me said he would kill his self if I didn’t, one day he rang me said if I didn’t transfer some money he would go and rob somebody and hurt them he screamed at me and hung up with in five mins I transferred the money , another time he said he would cut himself if I didn’t take him so I didn’t give in an hour later I had a text saying he did it I rushed round there police cars outside I ran in and he was bleeding had cut himself to pieces first thing he said was F off ! Still I stayed and wait s for an ambulance he begged me to go with him to hospital so I did , we got there he only wanted to get me to the town he needed then asked for money I had nothing on me couldn’t even get home early hours of the morning in the end he walked out the hospital and left me alone in the dark I managed to get a taxi home and they took my phone until I paid them back but did I get a ext that night to see if I got home safe no nothing so I went round the next day said I was leaving and I did for a day and went back again! That’s just a couple things happened but the list goes on, I guess I did it for love and to know he was safe I now look back and think I am so stupid for doing what I did but I still care and have a heart so it’s just me, I know he loved me just when he was rattling he wasn’t him so I left a couple of months after that I still see him around which hurts me but I have to let go cause if I don’t I wouldn’t have anything left I nearly lost my job my kids my house my family and I didn’t want that so I chose to leave him I’m sad and lonely yes but less stressed and I don’t wanted to leave before something worse happened I still think each day is he ok doesn’t he miss me but it’s not as much as each day goes by
    Sorry for long message just trying to reassure you look after yourself stay strong and do things for you
  • And you are so right he doesn’t deserve you, and deep down he will know he was in the wrong don’t let it get to you,, I say that and I know it hurts like hell you won’t fell better over night but gradually you will it’s been a few months for me now and I know it will take me a lot longer but now I concentrate on Me which is something I haven’t done in four years, and you know it’s lonely but I have the freedom to do what I want and Work on me and I am slowly getting there
    Sending you hugs
    Take care
  • Thanks @dominica I am getting stronger day by day I will never forget him and treasure are happy times and try to forget the bad times as much as I can, but I am staying away and I’m never going back cause I deserve so much more I will always have love for him but I am moving on and working on me for a change and it feels great
  • @Alone... Take care of YOU. Because YOU matter the most. YOUR life should always be at the very top of your priority list. Because YOU are special. And YOU deserve to feel special. And if someone else is robbing you of that, then you need to do something about it. 

    We are always here for you. I can tell that you are a beautiful soul and you deserve happiness and light. Don't let someone else keep you from finding it.

    Sending you more hugs.
  • @eallen,
    My ex is definitely NOT using any Drugs, he's Clean. Everything he said is now When he is sober. He hurt me so much.
  • @Alone I second Dean's assumption that you are a wonderful deserve to be peaceful and happy....  what you want matters!
    I stopped All communication with my EX Last Wednesday.
    Today @ 3:50PM, he texted me .
    MY EX-
    Sorry for ignoring you.
    Just moving on with my life
    Things are just different now
    Why do you wanna face me ( remember I asked for this)
    Guess your OK now
    My response - I was there for you, you hurt me. You didn't handle things well or mature. I still be in your life.  I gave you 4 years and cared for you, no reason to treat me bad. You were addict and I put up with alot because I loved you and wanted you to care for me. Who using someone for 4 years and lives with them and not care about them, you have to understand why I'm upset. There isn't any difference, your clean now. I still care about you and want to be in your life.  It's been hell for me, and you mean so much to me, you don't get it.
    My EX-
    Well maybe you can see me now for just a little bit if you must see me in person.
    No, I'm not OK. you dont get i. I wanted you so bad and all I wanted was for you to show me you cared about me with cuddles, hugs and kisses.
    MY EX-
    R you gonna come and meet with me or not.
    I'm not going to beg you, if you want to see me you need to say you want to see me.
    MY EX -
    Well there are a few conditions if u meet me.
    ME -
    That's not showing you care or want to really see me. Let me hear them.
    MY EX -
    1.The Protein Power that he wanted back
    2. Put on Make and wear a Cute bra and panties.
    3. Next - I can't really write it, but use your imagination, I'm sure you'll figure it out.
    4. We can talk for a bit
    5. No Crying
    6. Deal
    I'm not a slut and you need to treat me with respect.
    MY EX -
    Ya I know that. Well I thought you wanted to see me in person and wanted to talk, I can't be a little sexy with you?
    Those things will not work for me. I'm serious how I feel about you and you come at me like this.  You said you had a Girlfriend.
    My EX -
    Dumped her.
    ME - I could definitely look good for you. I really just wanna talk and see you
    My EX -
    well I'll be honest I wanna do both but wanna also talk for a little while.
    Look HOT for me. If you really wanna win me over get me a beer. I'm having a bad day. I didn't do anything with that girl, we started dating and seeing each other daily ( see he's needy like I said) and she has a 2 year old son that was with us everyday I saw her so nothing happened.
    I haven't been with anyone, all I do is eat and work out.
    ME -
    I will have to buy you a protein power since I threw it out. I don't wanna get back into buying you things. You should want me for me not what I buy.  Tell me the truth why you want to see me?
    MY EX -
    Cause I feel bad I blew you of completely but the situation I was in I didn;t have much of a choice and I wanna talk to you and have some fun.
    Does that sound so bad silly? I don't talk to other women when I'm seinfg someone.
    I was at work and he thought I was home due to Columbus Day.
    He got a little upset I was at work and not home, getting ready to see him.
    He said to meet him when I get could of work. I see you when you get out of work ( at this time it was 4:40PM)
    4 Minutes later - listen to how things changed fast
    MY EX -
    I'm sorry the more I think of seeing you it's not a good idea. I'm never gonna move back in with you, Never. I'm with my friends every second. I don't know what I was thinking. Sorry. It just wouldn't be right at all. I just felt bad to be honest I blew you off and was gonna have you come out to have fun, but it's really not a good idea. I'm going out with my buddies. Plus it will be easier to move on without seeing me anyway. Sorry for even texting you, I don't know what I was thinking. I'm not doing this Sorry. This was a bad Idea. I shouldn't of even texted you, it was stupid of me to do it. Be well, I gotta go. You need to find someone. If anything I'm glad I texted you yo say Sorry for blowing you off but that's as far as it will go. Goodbye. We can't talk it's not a good idea. I definitely cant be in your life absolutely not. I have moved on. I was only going to see you one time and that was it for good, so it really doesn't make any sense to even see you.  Goodbye. 
    That was his last words to me, I called him and he hung up.
    I started getting crazy and upset and said sent alot of texts.
    How could he say Sorry and hurt me so Bad again. His sorry doesn't mean anything to me. I said stuff to try an convince him to see me and talk about things.  I really wanted to be in his life, but not how it was before and I think he feels that I will interfere with his friends or the things he wants to do.
    Please Help me -
    How could someone Act 1 way and within Minutes he's Cold, and, hurts me and blows me off.
    I need support and comfort, Now I'm back to feeling the Pain and rejections again.

    Help Help!!!!

  • @Dominica, please read what I just wrote. I need to understand why he acted like this?  It is that he's in early recovery from Heroin and unstable?  He just said he broke of with the girl he was seeing, is it that?

    Help Please
  • @Alone... I'm sorry this happened. I hope @dominica will read your post and reply. 

    This is just my opinion, but I think you should move on from this person ASAP. I know it may not be easy, and I know it may hurt, but I think you deserve much better. That's just my two cents.

    Sending you big hugs.
  • @Alone, so much of your story sounds like my life for the past few years. It's been a rollercoaster and I know the man I fell in love with is in there...somewhere... but he's decided that a life of using meth and being homeless is better than being clean and being with someone who loves him. That's a hard one to accept. He tells me he'll be dead soon. He would rather be DEAD than live a good life, with me or without.

    That's the power of drugs.

    It's insanity. Constant manipulation and lies. Going into debt to save them once again. I'm in AZ and he was living in a place where they didn't pay the power... it was still triple digits and he'd taken in a DOG, for crying out loud. A homeless guy with no job takes in a dog. I paid a few days on the power a couple times. Meanwhile, I have been hit with a sick dog of my own. Bills, needing new tires,...I can barely scrape by because I have in total spent thousands on his b.s. needs instead of telling him to eff off.

    I too am trying to maintain my bottom line. I guess we're broken up now because he told me to eff off tonight. The mood swings...creepy sex requests... it's all designed to keep us sucked in and feeling guilty. Guess what? I DO feel guilt, but I can now honestly accept that it's misguided. A few more days and maybe it will go away. Then I will just be sad for him.

    I haven't been in a healthy relationship either. I would love the great guy I fell for back, but I don't think it'll ever happen. If that's the case, I am not willing to keep letting this insanity back into my world. I have enough problems.

    Stay strong and don't fall for the bulls***. It's ok to be sad. It's ok to be mad. I wish my guy would just tell me "goodbye" and block me. It would make things a lot easier. I get "goodbye" and then he will always contact me with an "I love you". I have said my peace tonight and kept the door open to help him if he wants to get clean enough for a drug test and rehab. Other than that... I'm off the train. 

    As I write this, I know someone who is barely 40 and just went into hospice b/c of ALS. He has 2 small daughters. He's been spreading love and joy to people - even started a charity - despite his disease. He has been dying to live, despite the fact he can't move, talk or breathe on his own. These men we love are living to die. And it's a senseless waste and a slap in the face to those who would give anything to spend one more moment with those they love. I think we're in that category and we deserve someone who feels the same way.

  • @Babyfirefly... Thanks so much for sharing your insight with @Alone and the rest of us. Big hugs to both of you.
  • @Babyfirely, I appreciate you sharing.
  • @DeanD, I know what your saying is right.  It's so hard, because for 1 minute when my ex contacted me the other day, I actually thought he cared and was Sorry, at that moment I think he meant it. I don't know if it was fear of getting close to me, and what that could lead too.  He back at his parents and Sober.  Free and doing what he wants, he is probably thinking about how it was when he was on drugs and living with me. I think he's conflicted or not able to handle me in his life, I'm really just guessing I don't know for sure.  I know it wasn't just that he was Horny. I felt he was genuine in the beginning of the texting and then went a horrible opposite direction. He blocked me again and wants nothing to do with me. I know I deserve better and I'm not looking to get back with him as a Boyfriend, all I wanted for us to be on good terms and be friends, but unfortunately he doesn't want that.  I'm dealing with the 4 years relationship and how things ended the rejection, hurt and everything else. I'm just sad.

  • @DeanD, thank you!
    @Alone, girl... I could have written the posts you have. It's sad but comforting in a weird way because no one knows what I'm dealing with and then I see your posts and YOU know exactly! Well, I know what you're feeling too and I'm sending hugs and strength your way tonight. This is not the life we know. These men may really love us in their own way, but they also know we are easy marks. Easy marks for love and  money and emotion. Go with your gut and that's what I'm going to do too. Life was not meant to be spent wasting away crying over someone who isn't crying over us! <3
  • @Babyfirefly hello there! thank you so much for sharing here....  sending you big love today!!
  • @Babyfirefly and @Alone... Just want you to know that I'm thinking of both of you today. And I'm sending you tons of positive energy and hope. 
  • @babyfirefly, My ex doesn't want me and doesn't love me and wants a new life and wants to keep me out of it. The things I did for my Ex and with my Ex when he was doing Heroin, isn't my life anymore, in fact that's not his life anymore either. I know we do have similar situations and experience with our Ex's as they were addicts and in that lifestyle, and I'm glad that hearing what I went through, you feel that someone else knows what you went through personality, I thought I was alone and no one else dealt with what I went through, or at least I never thought I would find someone to share my experiences with.  He now has another addition, because I think and I'm saying I think, because of his actions and what he told me, he is very needy, and can't be alone.  Now since he has a lot of free time and isn't spending his whole day trying to get money, dealing with being sick if it takes all day to get money and meeting up with his dealer, he has to fill up his day to keep him busy.  He's back on the dating sites, since he dumped the last girl and he needs to be with a girl.  He's with his friends, going out and keeping in touch with everyone, he's going to the gym and eating a lot to gain back all the weight he lost. He's living with his parents again, and his life is different than when we were together and when he lived with me for 3 years.  Since I never felt that he cared about me, even though he lived with and slept in bed every night with me, I feel that he contacted me for several reasons on Monday, but 1 of them was that he might miss me and care about me a little, and he did feel bad that he blow me off, but I do also feel that he's scared and doesn't know how to fit me into his sober life and cope with what that might entail. I think he might think that I might take him away from what he wants to do like dating, seeing his friends.  I told him I didn't want to get back with him, I wanted a friendship. I'm sure the uncertainty of me in his life and him wanting a new life, is the reason why he felt it was just easier to blow me off and push me away and in fact he owes me another apology for blowing me off after he just said Sorry. He would rather keep me in his past, and have no contact at all. Now I'm dealing with picking up the broken pieces of my life and trying to feel better. I miss him every day. I will not chase after him and not beg for him, I tried that and it got me no where and in fact, made me feel worse, due to more rejection and unkind words. I know in time, not right now, I will get over this.
    Thanks for reading
    Hugs to everyone
  • @DeanD, thanks for the Support, I definitely need it.
  • Anytime, @Alone. That's what this group is all about. 

    Hugs right back at ya, my friend. :)
  • Hello All,
    I'm having a really bad day, I woke us last night with such a panic attack. I'm still trying to cope and deal with the text and conversation I had with my Ex on Monday.  I have to put on a happy face and try to cover up my hurt and pain @ work. To overcompensate, and just get through the day, I'm actually trying to be bubbly and making conversation just to distract me and keep my mind off my stuff and I'm using busy at work so that helps too. By Lunch time, I go to my car and usually cry, it's very sad. I have been rejected by my Ex twice in several weeks, and It's so Surreal. I walk around in a numb state at times.  I can't believe all the things that have happened in the last month between us that I can't cope. With everything that happened during the relationship I'm able to almost forget some of the horrible things and the way he treated me, because it wasn't all bad and he was with me. I'm taking the breakup which has only been a few weeks and the things he has said much harder than all the years of being with a Heroin Addict. I feel like I have been ROBBED of a chance to have good times with him and finally getting my needs met, either as a Girlfriend or just a friend. I know that he would be a better person sober. He's the type of guy who puts his all when he's in a relationship and because he's needy and can't be alone, he will put all his time and energy in to the next girl. I say being Robbed, because when he first contacted me on Monday, and said sorry and that he wanted to see me and talk to me, I immediately, felt like it was going to be my turn now to receive rather than give. That feeling quickly faded when he took back everything he said. Now I just keep wondering if we met how things would be now..  Maybe better or maybe not. I was driving home from work tonight and knew if I went home I most likely would go to bed early just so I didn't have to think about anything. I was just so Sad and not doing good. I said to myself, how could I make myself feel better, I didn't want to eat junk, cause the first several bites would be heaven, after that I would say what AM I DO... So that wasn't going to work.  I decided to go to the mall and walk around and window shop and I knew I would find a few things I liked. So I went to the Mall and this particular Mall has a  lot of high end Stores and a lot of stores that tempt you to spend money. I found a few things I didn't get crazy and I did have that initial (HIGH) and it did put me in a good mood, but it was only temporary. Not that I'm comparing getting a High from Heroin to Shopping, but the concept is similar. Doing something to take the pain away and suffering away so you don't have to deal with it.  It's NO Way to live and I know 1st hand. It's only Temporary and you spend everyday chasing the HIGH. Well, I won't be shopping again unless I need something.  Getting back to what I was saying before, My EX is free of Heroin and living almost like he won the Lottery and I'm suffering like I lost almost everything. I would have felt so much different and might not had a need to join this site, if he would have handled things different and didn't treat me like I was the enemy and push me away and block me so it would be easy to keep me out of his life, until I found away around that. It's not worth the energy, pain or hurt to find ways to get in touch with him.  If he wanted to contact me like he did the other day by unblocking me he would. But he doesn't want to talk to me at ALL.  I had to say to myself, what am I really getting out of continuing to reach out to him, Do I really want to be abused, put down and insulted, the answer is NO. So, I will stay away.
    Which gives me more time to think about him, lol.  Seriously, I still have to deal with all the pain, hurt and feeling of rejection, that isn't going away at ALL.  Coming to this site and venting and sharing how I feel and hearing what the other ladies how to say about their situations does help.   So, once again I so say sorry for writing another long post.
    @eallen & @babyfirefly, I hope you're both doing OK, hugs to you both.

  • @Alone... I'm sorry you had a bad day. I hope you're feeling at least a little bit better by now. The situation you're in is not easy. But try to keep moving forward. In the long run, you will be much better off. 

    Remember: You can come here and vent anytime. We are here to listen, without judgment. 

    Sending you lots of hugs and hope. :)
  • You will never believe what
    I'm about to tell you. This afternoon, I was running around doing errands and
    my Ex texted me, he said, I hope you’re doing better, I said, not really. He
    said, Sorry to hear that. He said what are you doing? I said, going to the
    store. He said he was thinking about still meeting up with me to just say Hello
    but that's it. I said No fun with me? At first he didn't know what I meant. I
    said me getting Hot and Sexy for you. As soon as I said that he wanted me to go
    home and change and look Hot for him .lol  We went back and forth with the
    texting and I agreed to meet him. I met him at a place.  I waited for him outside and he was trying to
    tell me to go in the car, his Brother might be driving by and my Ex didn't want
    the brother to see me, so I didn't get the welcome from him I wanted.  He first seemed uncomfortable, but warmed up.
    We went to a park and just started talking. I asked him about if he was in therapy
    or going to meetings he said No, he's taking Suboxine twice a day and really
    didn't want to talk about anything to do with Heroin, he said that he's done
    with it. I asked him about us and wanted to talk about how I was feeling, he
    just said that it was a buzz Kill and he didn't want to talk about it, so I
    tried to change the subject. I asked him if he went on any dates since we
    talked on Monday and he said he did last night, but it didn't work out and the
    girl left and he stayed and drank and danced. He's working now, but the job
    will be over soon.  He was doing side
    work for his friends. He told me he contacted everyone he knew on Facebook to
    let them know he's back and Home. He got tons on responses and people were so
    happy to see him doing better and that he was home. He has reconnected with
    alot of people and his is Popular again. He's back to hanging out with his
    friends and going out to bars and clubs. He said alot of people knew he was
    doing drugs.  He gained 25 pounds in a
    month. He was a bobybuilder before and will go back to that as well. He has
    been posting picture on Instagram of his progress. People have been commenting
    on how good he looks.  2 of his drug
    dealers contacted him saying that he looked great and that they wished him well
    and that doing Heroin wasn't where he needed to be. He deserves better than
    that. He was very open about talking with me. After the job he's doing now he
    might be helping a friend start up a new business, he wants to save for a car
    and in the future move out.  He said he's
    starting a new chapter in his life and He will be dating and hopefully meeting
    someone. He looked great and sounded great talking with him. It's almost like
    he was never on drugs.  He seems well
    adjusted and seems happy.  Well, I did
    ask him how he felt about me and he really didn't give me an answer. He said we
    had a relationship, but that was in the past. If he contacted me even if he
    can't say it, he must care about me and there has to be something there ( even
    though not for a relationship), and it's not just cause he left bad about
    things, which he said he did. I told him I don't need charity. The thing he
    kept on saying, is he doesn't want to lead me on.  Meaning, he has moved on and what we had will
    not be again. I told him I still had feeling for him and that I felt robbed
    that I didn't get my needs met and  That I wanted to share good times with
    him and be in life live.  I told him I know we're not getting back
    together and I won't be seeing him all the time. When he said he had to go eat,
    I asked if I could wait and see him later, he had a problem with that, and said
    again, he doesn't want to lead me on.  I
    asked him if he had plans, he said not yet, but 1 phone call can change that.
    He's got so much positive stuff going on in his life, It’s wonderful for him.
    He definitely seems back to his old Self and maybe even better than
    before.  I do feel left out and that he
    will find someone soon.  I hope he didn't
    just contact me because he hasn't found a new girlfriend, that's what I'm
    thinking about. I asked him how I can fit in his Life and he said we'll see and
    again he said he doesn't want to lead. He told me to find someone, and I said
    I'm not ready and that's not the answer for me. 
    I'm still trying to heal and get over things. For him, he wants to move
    so far away from his drug life that he's making such an effort to change his
    life so that his past is buried.  I'm
    having a hard time with this. I feel very jealous of the girls he's meeting.  He's doing alot of things and when he was on
    drugs he didn't want to do anything.  I
    feel that I missed out on fun and good times doing things with him. I almost
    don't know how to act, because I don't wanna be too pushy, because he will cut
    me off He doesn't need me anymore, so his life will continue on without me just
    fine. I can't be or act like I was before, because now he won't put up with it
    and I know that.  I'm trying to figure out where I can fit in his life
    where it will work. Just the short time I spent with him was great, and I would
    definitely want to see him again.  I know
    he wants me in his life, but I know it's very limited. I think he's watching
    how much he shows me how he feels, because he knows that it won't be good for
    me.  I'm really torn and confused.  This is what I wanted, b
    ut now I have different concerns and issues. I still have
    all the hurt and pain, but now things are different. I'm sorry I'm rambling on.
    I really don't know why he wants me in his life and how to be a part of his
    life and feel comfortable. I know at anytime he can cut me off again and I
    wanna not get crazy and start acting in anyway that he feels it’s not worth
    seeing me.  When he was on drugs and I
    was stressed and not happy sometimes, I wasn’t acting right. Well, he wasn’t acting
    well either, but he was the one on Drugs Not me.  I’m not trying to say in anyway, that I need
    to kiss his ass or anything like that. I will not do that.  I just need to
    come up with How this is going to work for me and how to conduct myself in a
    way that I can continue seeing and talking to him. How I feel it can work might
    not be how he feels it could work. I wanna be affectionate and caring, but I
    don’t know if that will work.  I’m really
    having a tough time with this.  When I
    got home, I sent him a text saying, It was so great to see you. You look
    amazing.  Thank you for the wonderful
    evening.  He replied, it was a good time.
    Have a good night and thank you . I left it at that, I could have continued, I
    didn’t wanna push. I’m in a tough situation. 
    This is so different than several weeks ago, when he was living with me
    on drugs and I was so important in his life. This is such an adjustment, that
    it’s really freaking me out.  I’m sure
    you can tell by reading this.  I really
    need some help sorting things out. My thoughts are going wild.

    I need  Hugs and Help tonight.


  • @Alone... I'm sorry this incident had you freaking out. To be honest, I am not the best person when it comes to giving relationship advice, so I will let others weigh in with their thoughts. But I am sending you lots of hugs and hope. THAT I am good at. :)
  • @alone I do know exactly how you feel, I waited for years for my ex to get clean he never did and isn’t now, it hurt me more that he wouldn’t get clean for me maybe I wasn’t good enough I always wonder why I guess , my ex is a very high drug user and is on many different things other than just heroin I got to the point now where As mean as it sounds I don’t want him
    To get clean it would make me angry after being with him for four years and the last 2 seeing him lose everything I always told him I don’t want to know if you get clean because I don’t want you I don’t want
    To think he’s clean now and he’s moved on it sounds horrible I know but he hurt me more than anything and I can’t get my head around it , so I completely understand how sad you must feel, all I can say is after three months on my own and less contact although he has text last week to say he loves me and I do see him Around as he doesn’t live far from me I just know in my heart yes I love him I hate what he did but I don’t hate him he’s an addict and he couldn’t control it, I’ve learnt to accept there’s no future il never trust him again after all he did , and he hasn’t changed one bit since I left he got worse so he was never going to Change I hope one day il be happy and il look back and think yeh it was love but it’s best thing I ever did to leave, living an addict is the most painful experience of my life but I’ve just started going out and doing what I want to do and no one is going to get in the way of my happiness hang in there you can do this, just think to yourself what if you He take you back? He would probably end up back on something how would you feel then sending you hugs ;)
  • eallen, thank you for your support.

    I'm very ashamed, embarrassed, hurt, rejected and used all in one.

    I wanted to just hide under my blankets and cry.

    I have been sharing what's been going on with my EX for a few weeks.

    Some of the things don't make me look good and even very pathetic.

    I would be easy and less painful for me to not share the latest update, but I
    need to be open and honest regarding how it makes me look.

    This is very hard for me to write and my tears are making it hard to see the
    keys, here goes.

    As everyone knows from last post, that I agreed to see my Ex last night.

    He initial contact with me was seeing how I was. He again wanted me to dress up
    and look Sexy for him, Which I was fine with. Its nice to feel wanted and I'm
    attracted to him so It works. We had a great conversation and he did share what
    was going on. The only issue I had was he held back and didn't want to talk
    about us and kept on saying he didn't want to lead me on. Over all the night
    was good. I was happy to see him, but uncertain if I would see him again and
    how that whole thing would work, I wrote about it in more detail yesterday.
    Since, he did out alot of emphasis on wanting Sex and having fun with me, at
    the time, I really didn't look too much into it.  We were together for 4
    years and we had been having Sex and it was Safe and uncomfortable for both of
    us. I thought about it last night, he had 2 bad dates and after both of them he
    contacted me.  This made me think more and more, that most of the reason
    he contacted me twice this week was for Sex. He's apology and seeing how I was,
    was only his way in to start the conversation, and made he meant it or maybe he
    didn't, don't know. The fact is, he told me straight out last night, he doesn't
    want to lead me on, he won't talk about anything to do with us or how he was
    feeling about me or how I could fit in his life. He is dating and starting
    over, and moving on. Which means, I can't be part of his life. All he wanted to
    do was talk about how great everything is and all people he's in contact with
    and that everyone wants to be around him and he gotten tons of people in his
    life, and things are looking great for his future and telling me about his
    goals and etc..  While I was listening again, my mind was so into just
    being with him and around him, I was blinded by the truth that was right in
    front of me. After being a Heroin addict for almost 5 years, and now being
    clean, it's a whole New world to him and he wants to take every opportunity he
    can to experience things, like he was trying to sell me something, that's how
    good of a speech he did last night, and at the time I was so impressed, again,
    totally just being in the moment and not realizing what he was doing. Anyone
    else he talks to or meets, will just be impressed with his enthusiasm and
    positive energy and charm. He doesn't care about me AT ALL, 
    He only cares about him self and just used me for SEX. I'm a total fool and my
    feelings for him fooled me into thinking he might really care about me. I wake
    up this morning and I needed to know the truth. I texted him and just said Good
    Morning, How are u? I waiting and no response.  I sent another text asking
    what his work schedule was or if there was another time we could meet, because
    I wanted to ask him something in person. I also said that since he stressed
    several times he didn't want to lead me on, I told him, it's mutual that we
    will not get back together and the only thing I would get out of seeing him was
    enjoying our time together and that's it.

    Here is his response.  - I don't think that's a good idea. I'm sorry. I'm
    dating now and really can't have you as a friend. Just not gonna work.It was
    nice seeing you and u know I wish u the best. You'll eventually find
    someone.  Be well. I total him he was rejecting me again, he said it's not
    rejecting me, he's just moving on with his life.  I said I'm not asking to
    be his girlfriend.  I will not interfere with his dating. We had a good
    time together that's all I want. We can still be friends. I really thought he
    cared Last night was one of the best times we had in a long time, and I really
    wanted to have that again with you, u didn't even give it a chance, you did
    reject me again. He never respond. The reason I wanted to talk to him was to
    confirm him on if he only contacted me for SEX. He probably blocked me again,
    and in the past I would find a way to get in touch with him, Not this time. I
    will not be involved with anyone who controls when and how I speak to them. How
    dare he treat me like this. He knows How I feel about him and he doesn't really
    care. It's so hard to think a few weeks ago I was the Most Important person in
    his life and now he doesn't even want me in his life. I'm the only one he has
    cut out of his life, everyone else he fixed the broken friendships and now is
    on good terms with everyone and MR POPULAR again. I am so UPSET and DOWN, I
    can't even write anymore.


  • @Alone ;I'm so sorry that you're struggling today. That's a whole lot to process , and much more challenging when you still have feelings for him.

    I know this is really hard right now. I wish I could come through that computer and give you a big hug. 

    I tried to be friends with my latest ex right after our breakup. It didn't go very well either. I've had other friends say the same thing. They try to be friends but it's too soon and there's too many feelings still. I think it's best to let him go, as hard as that may be. That's just my opinion..

    I'm glad you're here sharing with us. You can vent and share your feelings here anytime. Sending Big Love Your Way .
  • @Dominica, thank you. I so wish you could reach through the computer because I need a hug so bad. I know the truth, he doesn't care about me and He wants nothing to do with me. Once he finds a New Girlfriend even if I was still talking to him, he will cut me off again. I'm allowing this guy to hurt me and treat me like this. When he was a Very Sick person and Did Heroin every day just to function, I never turned my back on him.  I loved him and was there for him ,and Now I'm NO Body to him. It's so sad. He just goes on with his life and Is fine knowing I'm hurt and suffering. He's totally fine with using me and dumping me again. I just really wish he could comprehend how his actions affect me. He's too self absorbed and has NO Clue.
    Thanks for the HUG

  • @Alone... I'm sending you big hugs, too. I'm sorry that you're struggling and hurting. Please know that you are a beautiful soul who deserves to love and--most importantly--be loved in return. 

    We are here for you. 
  • Hello,
    The last few days have been rough. Ever since, I have become fully aware of my relationship with my Ex and truly seeing how he used me and took advantage of me for years, I have really gone back thru the relationship and came up with several conclusions that make sense. 1st-
    He used all  my good qualities that most normal guys would cherish to have a women like me and saw some insecurities and saw how he could used them against me and manipulate me without me being fulling aware and get what he wanted.  2nd - I was his employee, my job was to be used and taking advantage of and not be treated well at times) I was fired from this job when my services were no longer needed. He was able to cut me off and wipe his hands clean from any wrong doing like he has done some many times before in the years I have knew him. While he was with me, I never felt that he was distance or cold or stand offish or acting like I was a stranger to him.  He had to be nice to me or it would have been harder for him to get things from me. When I saw him on Saturday, he was distance , cold, held back, didn't wanna really talk about anything besides himself. It was a real shock to me. I had put my Ex on a pedestal and thought he was great (I know that sounds crazy, he was doing Heroin, how great could he be) well, in my eyes, he was. After I saw him on Saturday, my whole opinion of him changed and the things he did to me and the disrespect and trying to manipulate me, I have no respect for him. I'm still in shock and disbelief this even happen to me and not too long ago, I was the most important person in his life besides his dealers and the heroin it's self. Now, he actually doesn't even want to acknowledge he knows me, I felt like I almost a stranger to him on Saturday and like we had no past.  The other day I was driving to the store going in one direction and my Ex lives very close to where I work.. As I was driving on the other side of the road I saw my Ex walking.  I turned around and offered him a ride, he said No he's almost where he needs to go.  I pushed and he said he was dating someone. This was Tuesday and we were together on Saturday. He told me he met her on Sunday and was going on a 3rd date with her.  See, how needy and he can't be alone.  He said he liked her and hoped it worked out. He was trying to get away from and it was just so strange. He never acted like that before, he wanted me to pick him up.. It was almost like, when a guy is trying to hit on a girl and he's turned off and scary and just keeps on walking to avoid the guy.  Well, it was almost like that , but not as bad. It was hard to comprehend how we went from living together for years, seeing each other everyday for years, him needing me all the time, to the total opposite. He got what he wanted from me and has no use or desire to even talk to me.  It makes me feel like crap.  How he could be such an evil, ugly, disgusting person.  He would never treat his friends like this, or he would be losing friends. Every around him thinks he great and are drown to him. If they only knew what he's really all about, they would be shocked. Right now, his whole life is being on the dating site and meeting as many girls as he can to hook onto one. He also is getting back to bodybuilding. People tell me to block his number like he blocks mine, well I'm not going to do that, if by chance, which is very slim he contacts me. The tables will be reversed and he will get a taste of his own medicine, and he will see how he's dealing with, and if he dare disrespects me, I wil shut him right down,  Ya gotta to remember, I learned from the best, my Ex Boyfriend Professional con-artist and manipulator. The things I heard him say to people and the stories, something had to of rubbed off, lol
    My Ex used to come to my Job in the beginning for money and used to use my car when I was at work and he had to pick me up, so people have seen him and talked to him. One of the girls asked me if I was still with him and I said NO.  She told me that she always tells her daughters that are in their early to mid 20's, that the most important things is that the guy treat you right, she is so right. It really made me think. Still weeks after my Ex left my apartment and I left his life, I think how did I let this go on so long, well the reasons was, I wasn't able or not willing to see the truth of what he was doing and how he was treating me. At the time, the thought of him not being in my life wasn't something I wanted to deal with or think about. I'm just so angry at him and even myself, but more him. If he could have been a descent guy made emends to me like he did with everyone else is his life, I think I would have felt differently about things and had more respect for him as a person.  Now, the pedestal sinks has come crashing down and he's a piece of garbage to me and doesn't deserve any happiness in his life.  I know that sounds harsh, but under these circumstances its well deserved.
    Thanks for reading
  • @Alone... I've said it before in these forums, and I'll say it again: I am not even close to being an expert on relationships. I'm 56 years old and have been married for almost 30 years. Before I met my wife, I had maybe 5 or 6 serious relationships. I ended a few of those, and I was dumped in a few, too. I'm sure I inflicted pain on the women I broke up with; and I went through a lot of pain, too. Because in most relationships that go bad, one person ends up suffering way more than the other. 

    I feel for what you're going through. I really do. Your ex used you and put you through hell. I totally get that. And you have every right to be hurt, disappointed, and angry. But, that said... The longer you carry around those feelings, the longer YOUR life will suffer because of it. I just don't know if it's worth giving your ex that kind of power over you.

    When I was younger, I was a big fan of holding a grudge and getting "revenge" when someone wronged me. So, again, I understand what you're feeling. But now that I'm older, I've embraced forgiveness. A lot of that came from having an alcoholic father. I resented and hated him for nearly 40 years. Then I finally decided I was giving him way too much control over me. I was miserable because of him. That's when I chose to forgive him and let go of the hurt, hate, and resentment I had been carrying around with me for so long. I decided to live my life and be happy, and to let go of the past...because there was nothing I could do to change any of it. And I was tired of carrying around that extra baggage.

    I know it's probably way too soon for you to even consider forgiving your ex and moving on. And maybe that's something you don't even want to think about. If that's the case, that's perfectly fine. I just wanted to share my thoughts with you. 

    There's a quote from my favorite author, Anne Lamott, that really resonated with me the first time I read it. It contributed to my decision to forgive my father and move on. So I'm gonna share it with you here:

    "Forgiveness means it finally becomes unimportant that you hit back. You’re done. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you want to have lunch with the person. If you keep hitting back, you stay trapped in the nightmare."

    I'm sorry you're hurting. No one deserves to be treated like you were treated by your ex. But I hope you don't let him keep eating away at you. Because he doesn't deserve to have that much power. 

    I hope nothing I said here offends you or makes you angry. That's not at all my intent. I just want you to know that I think you deserve to live a happy, healthy life. And that you are a much better human being than the man who hurt you so much. Please don't stay trapped in the nightmare.

    Love, peace, and hugs.
  • @Alone ;I'm sorry that you're struggling As You Are. You certainly did not deserve what you've been through at all. While it is therapeutic to vent, I agree with Dean that at some point you'll have to make a decision to let it all go. That anger and such. It will take some time, and I believe you'll get there. I was reading a post before and maybe you'll get something out of it. I'll send you the link.

    it will be a Journey to get yourself back and put him behind you. Unfortunately there are just people on this planet who will take advantage of those who are good. Continue to take the opportunity to learn and grow from this experience. Take some time single to really dig deep and allow healing to occur in your own life on various levels. There are so many valuable lessons we can learn in the midst of relationships and breakups.

    I learned so much when I took a season to study codependency and worked on my codependent characteristics. 

    We're here for you any time to listen and hold space for you as you navigate this time in your life. I know it hurts and I know you did not deserve what you've been through. Take the time to love yourself right now, and if it becomes too intense consider seeing a therapist to help you through this time. Or a support group. You're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone. Sending big big love your way
  • Hello @Dean,
    I'm so sorry to hear that you grow up with an Alcoholic Father, I'm sure that was a very difficult to grow up with that, and I'm glad to hear that you were able to forgive him. I know you said you had several LTR before you got married, and you had ended a few and very dumped.  I'm sure most of these breakups were very similar to the usual reasons couples break up. My breakup with my EX was FAR different and more damaging then most. He is a  A fraud, A liar, A con-artist, A Manipulator
    He took my kind, caring, nurturing and loving disposition and my eventual love for him and Intentionally, Maliciously, and in my opinion borderline Criminal and was able to be very slick in his approach and used me, took advantage of me, emotionally abused me, scammed me and victimized all to get what he wanted from me. I blame some of his F--ked behaviors due to his Heroin use, but the rest of his Sick abusive and dysfunctional behaviors are imbedded into personality, most people have probably on seen a limited side of how he could act and be. Unfortunately, for me I ot the full brunt of it. At the time I was unaware of what he was doing due to several facts, he was very good at making me feel that he liked me and wanted to be with me, he was always around and lived with me for 3 years, I grow to love him and he knew that and was able to get away with more.  When he got clean and left, he was planning on coming back to my apartment and we got into a fight and I told him to move out and he did, the next day I regretted telling him to leave.  When I had contacted him and he told me not to call or text him.  His behavior towards me had changed to a nasty, cold and very disrespectful attitude and basically telling me to F--k off. I was in total Shock and disbelief. I kept taking more and more abuse from him and not understanding why he was treated me this way and all I wanted to do was see him and I believed at the time things would be better between us.  During this time, The things he was saying to me weren't registuring
  • I finally gave up.
    When I had started to deal with things and all the emotions, sadness, pain,
    hurt, rejections, sense of loss, feeling like I was hit by a bus and everything
    else, my Ex contacted me. Again at the time, I was unaware he was manipulating
    me and me was only asking me to me him for Sex and to talk about himself.
    Things definitely didn't seem or feel right by how he was treating me, but I
    wanted to see him so I let things slide. After seeing him, everything came
    crashing down on me and the truth and everything he had done to me came to the
    surface, so again, I had to start the whole process of dealing with things and
    trying to heal, just days later, the  encounter I had with him when I was
    driving to the store, left me horrified and upset, again I had to start the
    whole process again. In the matter of 5 weeks, anytime I try to take 1 step
    forward, I'm knocked down again. Now on top of everything else I was feeling, I
    anger, and saying to myself how did this even happen to me.  He could do all this damage to me and flip my
    whole life around like I just went through a Hurricane and he leaves get
    cleaned and moved on with his life and totally distances himself from having to
    even think or admit he evens know me. All of this has caused me to be very
    bitter and resentful of him Dean, I totally get where you are coming from
    regarding forgiveness and letting go, and how doing so will allow me to be
    happy and be free.  Let me say that this was the most painful and most
    suffering I have ever  left from a Guy. 
    This pain went deeper and
    more devastating and the hardest to cope with due to being deceived. It’s so
    hard to think that my EX is just living his life carefree with NO remorse of
    what he did and what he put me through. It's very hard for me to turn
    everything off and not think about things, at this point I can't.  I know
    that dwelling on things and being angry and resentful and all the negative
    thoughts is actually making me sick.  In my mind, forgiveness is not
    something that just happens, you need to go through a process of many levels
    until you’re ready and able to forgive. This is all fresh and new since it just
    happened and then 2 times more I had to get over.  At this point, I will
    not and have not for days made any attempt to get in touch with him. I will
    never be disrespected by him or mistreated in any way.  The Love I had for
    him is gone. Now, I am trying to work on putting all this past me and get over
    the pain and hurt My Ex definitely doesn't deserve me at ALL.  I will
    eventually get over this and the forgiveness and totally being free from the
    pain and hurt and my feeling of hate and resentment towards MY EX will be a
    thing of the past. I deserve to be Happy and I will. 
    Dean, you have always been honest, and supportive and I am coming on this site
    to vent and get support. So, I know what you’re saying to me is to help me and give
    advice, so I never felt offended or angry.  Thanks


  • I've been in a relationship for the past 10 years of the 12 I've been sober,I'm 53 yrs old. Its the first one i have been in where i was not drunk or using I'm aware of my feelings, i am listening, I'm expressing myself and the one thing i have realized is whatever happens it's just like my mother has said when she was alive. People can not do no more to you that you let them and what they do can only affect you as long as you allow it to. i have decided i love me enough to handle those unhealthy behaviors when they occurs and if they can't be resolved I need to move on. I haven't had to move on yet.
  • @Imklen07 ;Hello there and thank you for sharing. Welcome to The Forum. Congratulations on your sobriety, and you're learning to stand in your truth and have a great relationship with yourself and others. It sounds as if you've really learned some valuable lessons throughout your life Journey. That must feel pretty good!

    Again, thank you so much for sharing and hope to keep seeing you around the Forum .
  • @Imklen07... Welcome to the community, my friend. Your 12 years of sobriety is not only an incredible accomplishment, but an inspiration, too. Congratulations! It's also great that you are living your life the way you are. Your mother was a wise woman, for sure. 

    Sending you lots of love and light. I'm glad you found us and shared your wisdom. :)
  • @Imklen07, It's wonderful that you've been sober for so many years and are able to have a relationship where you can contribute to in a positive way. As for my Relationship with my EX, I was unaware of what his true motive was, I did see subtle things and things I didn't like, but I contributed it due to the fact he was using Heroin and his up & down moods and behaviors. Also, he was living with me and needed to act a certain way to get me to do things( I learned this after the fact). I didn't allow him to miss treat me at all. I couldn't establish boundaries and not allow him to get away with things, until I was able to recognize what he was doing.  That didn't happen until after we breakup and his behavior got worse and at that point the truth and all his lies came out.  At that point, I made it very clear that I wasn't going to accept or allow to be disrespected or no treated well.  I have made no contact with him and I'm choosing to do so, to take care of me. What you're mother told you, is something everyone should live by. Thanks for sharing.
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