Fell off the wagon, and need a leg up

So I've not been here in a while... everything was going really well, I quit my job, signed up for a course in horticulture and vegetable production, moving along well with the building site, and for some reason.... I started drinking... like, two beers a night, then four, then six... and every night........After two years clean and sober, I woke up one morning and said to myself "you're doing it again".
I decided to take my own advice... pick a day, call it day one, and just. stop. drinking. I said to my wife "Tonight I'm not going to drink and I'll need your support", she agreed. Accountability.. all I had left to do was ride out the storm and everything would be great.

Except around midday I found out that she's having an emotional affair. That all the worries and questions she should discuss with me, she takes them to someone else... that all her frustrations with our life, she goes off and talks to someone else about them... I was gutted. I also found ou that he spends a lot of his time bitching about me, trying to psychoanalyse me... try to convince her that I'm too much hassle because I need a little support now and then. He makes a mockery of me. She listens and never defends me. 
So, I fucked up Day 1. that was two days ago, I drank last night too.... But I know you folks are here. I'm calling today Day 1. I don't need her support, because I'm doing it for me. Not her. 
I know I can do it, I've done it before. It's just that first week of twitching and shaking that I need to reassure myself about.

Glad to be back, and I love you all.
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  • Man, how come no one every shows up here with a post like, "You know, life's been awesome. I've sober for a while. Great home life, career is really taking off, I just learned a foreign language and am getting set for a tour of some far off exotic place"? Oh wait, because this isn't the place for that, and the folks show up to/for help, not to brag.

    @zozzie, you had a good run, and you did everything correct with stopping. Your story is the perfect illustration of why abstinence for life is probably the best call for an alcoholic. It might seem tempting to go back. That little doubt creeps in and the monster starts whispering that it will be ok. You've learned so much. You can control it. And you can, for a time. But then, eventually, you are right back to where you were. The metaphor I learned was that drinking is like a fly in a pitcher plant (a carnivorous type of plant). You know what you did to stop last time, so up on the wagon and off you go. A little wiser; a little stronger.

    You've also got the relationship issues with you wife though. As hard as it might be, I would say that that isn't your focus right now. While you are still battling the alcohol monster, you can't do much to repair the relationship. Hold the line, do what you can, but focus on the alcohol part. Once that is fixed, then you can focus on the relationship. After all, what can you do? What if you promise you aren't drinking anymore, but then a few days later succumb to doubt and have another beer? Now you are even worse off with the Mrs. and just proving that other clown right. Don't let the relationship problems give the monster an excuse to win against your resolve. You know drinking will only make things worse, so keep that in the forefront as you move forward.

    It might seem frustrating and dark right now, but you can push through it.

    Keep the faith!
  • @zozzie Hey there. It's good to hear from you again and I'm glad that you're reaching out here. @Leaker has given you some excellent advice and support. I'm glad that you're ready to get back on the recovery wagon. I agree that sometimes complete abstinence is the best way to go for those who have abused alcohol in the past.

    I also agree that your focus right now ought to be your recovery . At some point yes, addressing the relationship issues will be necessary. Don't feel bad about that. All relationships go through some struggles and obstacles along the way. I just finished studying the five stages of relationships that some experts talk about. It's very interesting to study and see where you're at in those stages. I am a firm believer to look at my own stuff before pointing fingers and my partner. It's easier to point fingers, but usually at the very root of relationship issues is each partners stuff being projected onto the other. Oftentimes, we are mirrors to each other.

    We are always here for you. Take it one day at a time and yes, do this for you. I believe that challenging times can be a springboard for growth and valuable Lessons Learned. Or perhaps a spiritual transformation. Use this as a springboard for your own growth and evolution. You may not be able to see the reasons these things are occurring now, but somewhere in the future you'll be able to look back and say oh yeah, I can see why now I had to go through that. Then usually you'll be called to encourage and support others because you've been there, and done that, and not only survived, but thrived. 

    Progress, not perfection. And we totally believe in you no matter what.
  • @Dominica, thanks... I'm still on the wagon.... just need to make uit to the front to grab hold of the reins, but I'll need another few days before I can... not sleeping and the tremors are just....ugh. I'm going to dig up the last of my potatoes and hopefully tonight I'll sleep a little. 
    Just have to keep overcoming the urge to "take the edge off".
  • Thanks folks, I know you've all got my back.... that's something we don't find just anywhere. still sleeping in a half-arsed manner, still feeling yuk, but hey, I'm nearly there.
  • @Leaker, wow... like Dean says, a finish is a finish!!

    @Dean.... our "house" is a building site, so if you're not scared to rough it, scared of bees, or scared of spending time with a couple in crisis, feel free to pop over, lol.

  • @Leaker,
    Thanks..... although your first paragraph can be contstrued as knocking me for bring it up.... I'll just decide to take it in a positive light, and to be fair, in the two years that I was sober, I HAVE posted here about how life was getting better and better, and I bought a farm and was going through a career change.... I've been here to egg others on in their battles too, but I guess people don't see that.

    I know what I must do, and it's advice that I've given to others, over and over again... pick a day, call it day one, and just not drink. It has really been that simple in the past, and it's going to be that simple from today on. 

    As for my relationship, I'm taking it with a pinch of salt at the moment, as I can no longer trust anything she says to me... I've got to count on myself, but at least I know that it's someone I can count on.
  • @zozzie, no that opening paragraph wasn't a dig at you. It was a poorly executed attempt at breaking the ice and trying to get in a little levity. I apologize that it fell flat.

    You are correct, you and a bunch of other people pop in to offer encouragement and examples of how great things are going. It's a great thing that people stop back in to do that too.
  • @zozzie hey! i hope you were able to get some sleep.... i did want to second that @Leaker was offering a bit humor in his opening paragraph... meaning, "don't be so hard on yourself..." :) He's a pretty awesome fellow traveling the road of recovery...

    you feel yuck now..but it's temporary... lavish some big love on yourself now... forgive yourself and nurture yourself. (however you do that). 

    if you like to read for encouragement, spend time doing that each day... keeping sobriety in the forefront of your mind will help...

    :) sending you big hug!

  • @zozzie... I'm glad you reached out to us again. Remember, we're all human beings and no human being is perfect. We all falter from time to time and your misstep doesn't make you a bad person or anything like that. You realize the mistake you made and you're not working on correcting it. That's very admirable, my friend. 

    You know things will get better if you stay the course. So keep doing the next right thing one day at a time. Or one hour or minute at a time. Whatever helps keep you moving in the right direction. 

    I agree with everything @Leaker and @dominica have said. Especially about taking care of yourself and your recovery first. The relationship issues can be dealt with later. The important thing is for you to get yourself right again.

    We're here for you, dude. You know that. A place for help, support, advice, or just to vent or chat...we're all of those things anytime you need them. So keep coming back, okay? That's what we're here for.

    I'm sending you megatons of positive, sober vibes. And an equal amount of hope and encouragement. I know you can do what you have to do, @zozzie. And we're all behind you, my friend.
  • @zozzie... We've got your back AND your front! We're here for you!!! Never forget that!!!
  • Still on the right track... went on a hike yesterday, and was pretty shocked at how out of form I am. Broken everywhere, but getting to breathe... to really take in that humid mountain air was great.
    Going to try to do something that makes me sweat every day.
  • @zozzie, great news on the hike, and the plan. A little exercise every day is always a good thing, and a new activity can help break one out of a rut if they find themselves in it. Unless you are way far north in the Frozen Northlands, it is still good enough weather for some outdoor activities for a little bit. Looks like my marathon this weekend is going to squeak in RIGHT before it gets too cold.
  • Hey, @zozzie... Good for you for getting out and getting some exercise! The older we get, the more we feel the aches and pains of stuff like hiking, but we have to keep at it. Exercise does a body good.

    Keep doing what you're doing, my friend!
  • @Leaker I'm in the French alps, and to be honest, it's getting cold.... after a summer of heatwave and melting roads, we're suddenly seeing that even the hens won't go outside in the morning.

    I'm starting a full time college course on horticulture and vegetable production on monday, so... scary as it seems, it'll keep me stable. 

    On the domestic front, we argue every day, but I keep telling myself that goin to have a drink afterwards is "just not worth it"

    all I had to do, guys, was .... just. stop. drinking.
  • @zozzie... The French Alps? That sounds amazing. Can I come and visit??? ;)
  • OOOOoooo, French Alps, ooo la la. That sounds lovely. It is great to hear about the success, and the projects you are working on. It's unfortunate that the relationship is still in a tough spot, but you do have the correct attitude, that taking that first drink just ain't worth it. The only way through both your college and relationship is with a clear and agile mind.

    As for my marathon, #7 is in the books. We had the exact opposite problem than what I was concerned about. Summer came back and just killed us. I was on track for a low 4s, then the sun came out and we jumped up to like 75 degrees 80% humidity, and no shade for the last 14 miles. I got cooked, wrung out, and I ended up running in at 5:12. Worst time ever. But, I am alive, and that is good considering how things were going. Lots of folks going down all around me.They were starting to drive the medics through those of us still running/hobbling to get to the people that were down, which is never a good sign. For the first time ever I limped across the finish line instead of being a champ.
  • @Leaker congrats on your marathon!!!! finishing is an accomplishment in and of itself!! :)  

    @zozzie congrats on your horticulture!! enjoy the french alps...and so glad you are not drinking... 

  • @Leaker... Whether you limped across the finish line or not, you finished your 7th marathon, and that's a totally badass accomplishment. Congratulations!!! I have mad respect for you and everyone else who can finish a marathon. You rock!!!
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