Need help. Abusive when drunk and black out

Hi all,

I am new to this site. I just found it today and I need someone to talk to. I think I actually need professional help along with anger management. On Sunday night I was drinking with my bf and his friend all having a good time but then he got annoyed with something I said and told me to go inside so they could hang out alone. Sober me wouldn't of cared but drinking me got upset that he said that and I told him I didn't want to. I did end up leaving them alone but that's what started the awkwardness that night. After we ate they wanted to go for a walk and I was upset and excluded again. Again shouldn't of cared but I had two bottles of wine by that point. Which I've never drank that much in one night before. So he doesn't leave and I just went in on him. I blacked out so I don't remember all that happened but he said I grabbed his beck and scratched him which there are scratches on his neck now and I feel disgusted with myself. It's so sad. I also threatened the cops for wheatever reason and screamed at the top of my lungs he said and talked bad about him and his family. I feel horrible and so ashamed and embarrassed. He told me this morning I am no longer good for his life and the fun and happy times he has with me is not worth the abuse I do to him while drinking. He said if I cared enough and he was worth it that I would stop drinking. This has happened in the past before sadly. About a year ago and then a couple times the following year. I don't know why I have built up rage against him and then something triggers and sets me off. We can drink and have great times but 5-10 percent of the time it ends up with me being crazy and not myself. I know I don't deserve him I know I should let him leave me and be happy but I also know I am a good person with a good heart and just don't know why I do these things sometimes. I told him I will go to counseling and will stop drinking for good this time. But I think it's too late at this point for him I don't blame him at all tho. I'm ashamed
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  • Thank you both so much for the kind and welcoming words, along with understanding on where I'm coming from. I think I almost deinetly need to stop drinking as well. I of course haven't drank since that night. Sunday the 3rd and I threw all the alcohol away that was mine. I've very ashamed of myself and I have checked out books at the library as well as plan on going to as tomorrow evening or sometime next week. It's my birthday Saturday so this is a gift to myself that I need. I just want forgiveness from my bf and I want to never do it again. I also want to know why I do it and what triggers my brain sometimes.
  • @bekind86, sounds like you have a pretty solid plan together. Education is the key to achieving your goals. Learning about you, addiction, and your addiction are required to fully defeat your monster.

    I'll also throw out, not to be negative, just to be honest, that since it is a learning process, it will probably not go smooth. I tried to stop for a long time and kept succumbing to doubt and drinking again before the right set of circumstances and understanding came together to get me on the path to freedom. So, don't be discouraged. If it were easy, there wouldn't need to be places like this, AA, and all those books to help people.

    But, if you are honest with yourself, and determined, eventually you will get to where YOU want to be. And I can say that where it sounds like you want to be, free from alcohol, is a very good place, and well worth the struggle indeed.

    Keep the faith! 
  • Hello @Bekind86 I too was a blackout mean drunk. I would do and say things that was not me. I agree its probably just the booze. It makes some people mean. I can surely understand and relate to the guilt and shame. I felt that many times. For me? I had to just stop all together. I didnt get mean every time. But it would happen at the worst times. Toward the end of my drinking, I blacked out every single time. I found many wonderful people in AA. And have remained sober. Good luck to you!! I am sure you can do it.
  • Be kind to yourself. 
    Just remember that there is a reason you're doing this to yourself. Some deep seated frustration within you. A chat with a counsellor or therapist would really help with that, but in the meantime... yes, you know as well as the rest of us that drinking isn't "leisure" for you, and does nothing to help your situation. 
    just remember to be kind to you, you deserve better than being treated like a child by the person you love "go to your room" sort of talk triggers me, so I don't know how others deal with it, but there's part of my inner child that would attack anyone that spoke to another like that, drunk or not.
  • @bekind86, If you are questioning yourself and your behavior, that is a good thing. You were brave enough to come here and open up and share, so I think that means you deserve a chance to make things right with your boyfriend. The only time that all is lost is when we give up on ourselves.

    Drinking to a blackout, and then waking up and piecing together what happened. I remember those days I don't remember. The dread at looking at the phone to see what I did. Walking around the house to take a damage assessment. Other people looking at me and doing the, "Heeeeey buddy. How ya doing? So, what's the last thing YOU remember?" I've been there. I know there are a lot of folks that will stop by that have been there too. You aren't alone. Welcome.

    You are going to have a lot of questions to work though. Are the times that you drink and nothing bad happen worth the times when bad stuff does happen? Will you be willing to accept continuing to drink? Will those around you? Will leaving your relationship and trying to find a new one solve the problem, or enable it? Are you even addicted? Would you consider yourself and alcoholic? The definition I use is an alcoholic is one that can't cope with their level of intake, which sounds like where you are now, but maybe not.

    I would say to seriously consider stopping the drinking. That is what it took for me. 6 years later and I am better than I ever was drinking, and I have no regrets about it. It might seem daunting, it did for me, but with the right treatment and outlook, it won't be as bad as you imagine. AA and SMART are recommended here. I used The Easy Way to Stop Drinking. Or, just cruise over to one of the few books stores left and go to the addiction aisle. There's about 400 different books with different ways to tackle the monster of addiction and be the person YOU want to be.

    Keep the faith!
  • Welcome to the forum, @bekind86. I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time, but I'm so glad that you found us and reached out. Like @Leaker said, the fact that you're questioning yourself and your behavior is indeed a good thing.

    Drinking to the point of blacking out is definitely a symptom of a drinking problem. I think it would be in your best interest to consider quitting alcohol altogether. I think that's the best answer for you and it would likely make your life much better. You'd be healthier and happier, and your relationships would probably improve, too. Maybe making the decision to stop and committing to it would be enough for your boyfriend to give you another chance, too.

    Will quitting drinking be easy? No. It will require a lot of hard work. But I can guarantee that the hard work will be incredibly worth it. Definitely check out AA or SMART Recovery meetings in your area. They can be super helpful and comforting. It's always nice to be around people who know exactly what you're going through and feeling. You should check out that book @Leaker recommended, too. There is no "one-size-fits-all" when it comes to recovery, so it's always good to explore different options and ideas. That's how you'll end up finding what will work for you.

    We are here to help and support you however we can, my friend. You can come here anytime you'd like, to ask questions, seek advice, or just to vent. We will always listen without judgment, so you are safe here. 

    I am sending you lots of positive energy, hope, and encouragement. You can do this. I know you can. And your life will be better because of it. You've taken a courageous step by coming here and sharing with us. Now keep taking steps in the right direction.

    Love and light to you.
  • @Bekind86... We're here for you and we're behind you 100 percent. Reach out and lean on us anytime you need to, okay?
  • @Bekind86 Hey there. Thank you for sharing. You've already gotten some great advice by others , and I second their advice. I remember back in my drinking days during college starting to get mean and blacking out . It broke my heart when I was mean to my best friend one time. I took a season of my life and went to AA and learned a lot about the disease of alcoholism and myself. I ended up stopping drinking completely.

    It is a journey, so continue on in the journey, even if you relapse. You may need professional help, as I think we all need professional help at various times throughout life. Educating yourself is a great start when it comes to recovery and life in general. You can make an amazing life for yourself, and it starts with an acceptance of where you are and a love for yourself . we are here for you anytime to support and encourage you and believe the best for you.

    Shake off any guilt that you have, write down some new goals, take some deep breaths, and know that you can be the kind of person that you know you really are. Sober and free
  • I too got violent and blacked out when I drank.  I ended up in Jail for Disorderly conduct and that woke me up.  I entered a 28 day in patient treatment program.  I went to anger management counseling, but found out that the anger was only when I drank.  I learned the when we drink, the cognitive part of the brain stops working, and the middle brain (the lizard brain) takes over....the, you get aggressive and angry....I have been sober now 2 years.  Much better life!!

  • @t_douglas Hey there. Welcome and thank you for sharing that valuable information. That's very interesting to know about the brain and that part of the brain . Congrats on your sobriety as well. To what do you owe your recovery success to? Any tips you can share for those who are struggling is greatly appreciated.

    So glad you are here sharing with us. Have a beautiful day.
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