Breaking up with an Ice Addict Girlfriend

Title says it all, I'm breaking up with an Addict, she has been on Ice for a long time. I have been with her since November last year, I found out about the Ice in April this year after we'd broken up for a couple of weeks and she confessed to me when we got back together.
She swore at the time she wanted to get off it and would try. Part of the problem is that she surrounded by so called friends who all smoke it. For a month or two she seemed to be trying but then she went back into her old ways and started again, her work suffered and she had to quit 2 jobs, now she's just plain lazy, she told me yesterday she would start work last night at a new place and then called me to say she was tired and wanted to sleep, this caused problems between us and she then said she was tired of me and we were over ....again.
This past week she has been really bad, borrowing money from me to pay for the Ice until the last couple of days and I refused point blank to lend her money as she was now smoking it 3-4 times a day in my house.
I can't believe the change in her these past 2 weeks. Her smoking has got out of control, she's not been sleeping a lot but is eating well. I did notice her eyes are yellow now and don't know if that's to do with the Ice or something else.
I'm the one that needs help now, she still shows me in some ways that she loves me, she tells me that too. But I can't go on with her in this state, there's no talking to her as all I get is that she does everything for me and I do nothing at all for her which is unbelievable considering what I do for her !!! But that is her attitude now although 2 weeks ago when we were talking and I told her she needs to change or we're finished ( and she agreed ) and I asked her what I needed to change about me, her exact words were "you don't need to change, you're perfect for me".
What to do, I not sure I want to lose her but I can't let her drag me down with her because that's the only place she's heading now.
More to the story if needed but it is long with 1 or 2 twists and surprises !
  • 21 Commentsby Likes|Date
  • Hey I can relate to your problem so well so many times I heard this is the last time I took it for two years and now I'm trying to cut ties with my ex boyfriend it's not easy and he's changed me as a person it's a shame as i love him so much but I can't let him drag me down nomore I had no choice but to leave sorry your going though this
  • @bubblegum... Welcome to the forum. I'm very sorry to hear about your girlfriend and her drug problem. There's no doubt that loving someone who struggles with addiction is one of the most challenging and painful things life can throw at someone. My heart goes out to you.

    I think one of the most important things you can remember is what Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach us about a loved one's addiction: "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it." It doesn't matter how much you want your loved one to change; if they don't want to take the action necessary to change, or if they simply don't want to change, they will stay stuck where they are. That's the painful reality.

    You have to put yourself at the top of your priority list. The bottom line is YOUR life matters, too. You deserve to be happy and healthy, both physically and emotionally. That is your right as a human being. So you should do whatever you have to do to in order to make that happen.

    I'm not necessarily telling you to leave your girlfriend. I'm just telling you that YOU are important, too. If she wants to get help, then you can be supportive and see how things go. But please don't allow yourself to become addicted to her addiction. If that happens, you will both suffer immensely. When someone you love struggles with this disease, you have to practice self-care. It's absolutely essential.

    We are here for you to lean on anytime you need us. We can give you advice, support, or just be good listeners if you need to vent. We will help you any way we can. 

    I'm sending you lots of positive energy and hope. And I will keep both you and your girlfriend in my thoughts and prayers. You are not alone.
  • Hi @bubblegum I know exactly how you feel I met my ex boyfriend four years ago he was an ex addict heroin and crack he had come out of rehab I met him fell in love I guess I believed in him then two years later he was acting strange I had no idea on an addicts behaviuor was all new to me finally after six months I realised what was going on feel silly for not knowing carried on thought I'd stop him reality was I couldn't I hate him for what he did and I won't forget or forgive easy for what I went through I've seen many things I wouldn't wish on anyone I guess I could say I got dragged into it I never used any drugs or anything I'm not that kind of person I used to drive around late at night looking for him never found him though used to drive me crazy I used to lend him money when he would scream at me saying he would kill himself or go and rob someone made me feel guilty so I did I gave in every time worn me down to someone I didn't want to be, once I deceived enough was enough I said no one day to lending him money so he text me saying he was cutting himself turned out this time he did I went charging round to his house the police were there he had cut his arms to pieces I cried he swore at me said get out said I didn't care I stayed then went in ambulance we got to hospital he swore at me asked for money I said no I needed it for a taxi he then left hospital and got drugs I don't know how wasn't my money he didn't care I was there or how I got home it was 1am in the morning even then I still forgave him looking back I went through hell I don't want to tell you to leave or to stay it's your descion im on day five of no contact and it's killing me but I have no choice I have my kids and a good job it's him or them so I have to stay away as hard as it is I hope in a few months il start to get over this sorry for the long post I could go on and on with the story's take care do what's best for you
  • @bubblegum well done thats great you got out when she came I'm on day 9 now still tough but I'm not turning back two days left of my hols then home to reality that's when it will be hard for me , I'm going try go to al anon this week there is no other meetings around where I live so that's all I got will try anyway hope I get in the door as I suffer with anxiety and panic attacks so scared about it
    Life's to short enjoy it is my attitude right now straight to the gym when I get back
  • It's not easy is it eallen ? My head says to let her go, but even though I can't honestly say now that I love her I do still have very strong feelings for her and to be totally honest I couldn't say for sure that I wanted to finish it with her. 
    We're not in a Western country and getting rehab where we are is nigh on impossible or a bank loan is needed. There is a Narcotics Anonymous in our city and I am at this minute waiting for them to reply to me regarding help for her. The unfortunate part is that everyone tells me to leave her and that the only person that can help her is her and I not sure now she wants help ?
  • Thanks for that Dean. You may regret saying I can vent on here because there's so much more that I haven't said that's involved in this it's untrue.

    There was a councillor here who said he would help her, but he fell in love with her and started using Ice again himself to get her to his room for sex in return for Ice, luckily Karma can be a bitch sometime and he has recently been arrested for dealing and is currently in prison and looking at a long sentence.

    I understand what you're saying about putting me first and I agree. I would like to go no contact for a week or so to let us cool down but unfortunately there are reasons for us having to meet although I'm trying to work around that so we don't have to.

    The past 2 weeks have been difficult for me moneywise too because of some unexpected cash outgoings, partly due to her but not all so I have had to let my gym membership lapse so no working off the hurt and tension but hopefully in a few days that will be sorted.
    Anyone here know the possible cause of the yellow eyes ? It's a recent thing, is it down to her smoking the Ice or something else ?
  • As suspected it's all over now....Now I know its final I feel gutted....I tried to be fair...I tried to help.....Now I give up
  • @bubblegum... There's lots to read here. Just wanted to let you know that yellow eyes can be a sign of jaundice, which would be indicative of a malfunctioning or damaged liver.
  • @bubblegum  thank you for sharing. i can see that you are quite distressed... i do hope that you will make a decision to solely take care of you...and let her alone for now... 

    i found a lot of great help on youtube... if you can't get to a support group or counseling.... start watching youtube videos on codependency and nar-anon and al-anon.  can be of great help to you.... i know you want to  help her, but that's not your responsibility and she doesn't seem to want it.

    so focus on you. this may be challenging for you... maybe you like to focus on your partners... not sure, but maybe this is prompting you to take some time to focus on YOU.... 

    grieve the loss of her, but then move on. you don't have to live in such chaos...

    hope this helps.
  • @bubblegum there is a lot going on by what I have read unfortunely I learnt the hard way I stick around to long wish looking back I let go as soon as I knew but guess love is far to strong and somehow I always thought I would be able to stop him it took me two years to realise I never will
  • This is one mighty strange feeling I'm having now. Normally when a relationship goes wrong with me I feel no good for weeks, sometimes months, I felt gutted yesterday when I knew that it was all over but now I feel an almost surreal sense of relief ?. It's like I feel I should be sad and depressed but I almost feel relieved about it and that for me is very strange.
    It's like I tried hard to help her but very deep down I think I realised that we were going nowhere as a couple since I knew about the Ice use and maybe we were just using each other for our own means.
    Now all I can think of is the crap she gave me since I found out about the Ice, all the lies she told me. I've reread messages between us and I do feel like she's hurting now too. I do believe she loved / loves me but the lure of money and Ice will always trump a solid stable relationship which is what I was trying to give her. We had that at one stage but then other things happened and looking back now I know that the lack of ready cash was more than likely the cause of the ensuing problems.
    For the last month we ( mainly her ) had been talking about getting a house together and having her 7 year old son moving in. Now to me this was a definite no no. This kid is quite simply the most difficult child I've ever met and has no manners at all, when I've pointed this out to her she just came up with some lame excuse about it not being his fault ?.As i asked her when she suggested it "who looks after him when you're at work and I want to go out for a drink with friends ?". Her reply was " He's 7, he can take care of himself !". Hell he can't even tie his own shoelaces !  Even when she was talking about doing this all I was thinking was that there's absolutely no chance of that happening.
    I think back to the sleepless nights when she'd finish work and not message me and just go and smoke Ice and gamble with her friends. The abusive phone calls when she "knew" I had a lady here at my house. The insane jealousy on her part.
    Sure 2 weeks ago when we got back together after 2 weeks apart while she was with a customer and we got on well, it was lovely but then the Ice kicked back in again and I can see now the mood changes which I never saw at the time.
    I'm too old for this and to be honest I'm to good a person to keep getting dragged into stuff that quite simply is way beyond my knowledge. Everyone I have spoken with, friends, family help lines have all said the same DUMP HER AND DO NOT LET HER DRAG YOU DOWN TO HER LEVEL.
    I admit that yesterday when we finished I was gutted, I went out and had a few beers and I'll admit there were tears from me, but maybe now I can see they were probably tears of relief ?.I've slept on it and all I can say is that the light at the end of the tunnel is shining very very brightly now.
    People say she will be back, that I was her rock, her safety net ? I doubt that she will and even if she did I would be so suspicious of anything she said that I feel like I would be pushing her away before she tried to get back ?
    Now I need to keep busy, I have a small business to run here, I need to get back to the gym, I need to cut back on my smoking. I NEED TO GET MY LIFE BACK TOGETHER NOW AFTER THE TURMOIL OF THE PAST FEW MONTHS.
  • Yes you do stay strong maybe let go before it gets to far trust me I stayed far to long be I regret it now made it harder for me I'm on day 7 now and this is a great achievement for me just hope I can keep strong to continue I need my life back now and be someone I want to be
  • @eallen 7 days is great, one day at a time is all you can do and just try to resist any temptation to contact him.

    I've just got home from the gym, I enjoyed it and I have to say I like the feeling, it was also nice to not have to worry about rushing it or someone would be having a jealous episode !.

    It's now 3 days for me since I saw her, there have been messages but no actual talking. She told me yesterday that she's going away with a customer so that might be a week or 2 weeks ? Who knows ?. Last time she went with him it was a week and I blanked her for 4 days and on her first day away she sent me some insanely jealous abusive texts, ironic really considering what she was doing and who she was with ! A couple of days later she sent me nicer messages and the next day we actually messaged and talked nicely, somehow I can't see that happening this time !

    I am going to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting tomorrow, I phoned them up and asked if I could come and see what was on offer, you never know there may be someone there that may have some sound advice, it should be interesting if nothing else.
  • @bubblegum that's great doing stuff for you I'm going to start getting myself fit again and making changes for me one week done Just hope I stay strong enough when I get home
  • Starting day 4 now of not seeing her now and no proper messages ( Second day of total no contact ). Last night I slept for a solid 8 hours with the help of a prescribed sleeping pill from the hospital, I'm not keen on taking them but I am the sort that needs sleep to function.

    I've been looking around this forum and maybe I'm wrong but it does seem to me that the addict / user is the one that's usually pushing away the person that is trying to help them ?. Please correct me if I'm wrong there ?

    She should be away today on "holiday" with this customer ( the fat man ). Strange that it's now 4 weeks since she first went away, time flies. My biggest problem is that I have no social life here whatsoever, I'm in party town but due to cash problems I can't go out, plus I have no real friends here at all.

  • @bubblegum that's great doing stuff for you I'm going to start getting myself fit again and making changes for me one week done Just hope I stay strong enough when I get home yes that's right they seem to push you away when you try to help but I don't believe it's because they don't care just the addiction is far to powerful that's how I like to see it anyway I do believe he does love me I just couldn't save him from the drugs
  • @eallen I think you're right about the drug being so strong, here's part of an email I've just sent to a friend
    I was allowed out in the afternoon, they gave me injections to sleep there and said my blood pressure had been sky high ? ***** was with me and when we got back home I went in the bedroom and just cried, I didn't know what the hell was happening to me, she came in and cried too saying how she loved me and never wanted to leave me ever and we will be together always
    But the need for Ice obviously was too strong and only 2 weeks later she has left me.
    Off to the gym now, legs today !
  • Damn it. Was just nearing the end of the second full day of no contact when she messaged me about a bicycle she had bought for her son that she'd left at my house and she was wanted to collect it tomorrow morning.
    I just answered ok to her and deleted them.
    Do I have to reset the counter back to zero now ?
  • @bubblegum no guess not you could just leave it out for her to collect at least you won't need to see her then or you could drop
    It to her and leave outside maybe
  • @eallen
    She messaged to say she would be here soon so I left the gate open and got out for a couple of hours.
    You know what ? I'm missing her but I genuinely do not want to meet her. I won't say I'm happy but apart from some negative thoughts now and again I'm fine.
    I went to an NA meeting last night as an observer. Spoke to the organiser before and after. His off the record advice was simple,YOU CAN'T HELP HER, SHE NEEDS TO WANT TO GET HELP FIRST AND THE LONGER YOU TRY TO HELP THE MORE DAMAGE YOU WILL DO TO YOURSELF.
    He then said I needed to practice tough love with her. Leave her alone now and mean it.
  • @bubblegum... I'm glad you went to an NA meeting. That's a big step. Remember the "Three C's" of Nar-Anon and Al-Anon: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

    Your life is important, too. Don't forget that!
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