Fixing to get in real trouble

Hello, new to the site I found it while feeling low down and desperate.

I just got off a five day bender, and it's the third time this year doing multiday, blackout drunken sprees. I'm thinking I could lose my job, (lucky my boss is also a good friend, but his patience likely won't last forever- he sent me a pretty mad text today) or worse, hurt myself or someone else. I'm a loose cannon in this state.

Likely will miss tomorrow too, as I am in the process of a nasty detox. Sweaty, shaky, vomiting earlier. Just pure misery. Worse than that is the cloud of guilt and shame.

I did manage to kick it for an entire two months, only to go back to moderate, then extreme drinking. I loved that feeling of being sober. I'm athletic and enjoyed very much riding my bicycles. Felt great.

Anyway thanks for letting me share my story. I'm going to quit altogether again- just hoping it will "take" this time around. I would like to post now and then, hoping by putting it all down, I can get a handle on this disease.
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  • BTW Dominica, I really like your idea of "playing the tape through" that sounds brilliant.
  • Hey guys! Just popping in a bit early, had a  scare today.

    Been having heart palpitations the last few days. Today while @ work they got pretty bad, so much so I checked in to the emergency department (as it happens I work in a hospital in a non medical profession. Convenient.)

    They got me all wired up and aside from a high blood pressure reading everything was fine. Kind of like going to the mechanic and your car that was messing up the day before now purrs like a kitten. Have a follow up appt scheduled for tomorrow with my PCP.

    Anyhow have read about palpitations since- they can be brought on by stress, and alcohol use (among other things) they also recommend avoiding caffeine.. say it ain't so!! :-(

    There's another reason to stop drinking. Day 12 today DeanD, and other than this scare today, it's feeling darn good. Thank you Webster, for those words of strength. You guys are really the best. See you next weekend!  
  • @Robert13 congrats on 12 days! That's something to be proud of for sure. I'm glad that you're doing alright and that you're following up with your doctor. Heart palpitations can certainly be caused by stress . as you keep focusing on a healthy lifestyle, hopefully that will completely disappear. A lot of caffeine won't do you any good, but I don't think a couple of cups a day is harmful. Then again. I am not a doctor . 

    I'm glad you're feeling so well. And thank you so much for coming on the Forum and sharing. You give others Hope by sharing your testimony .
  • @robert13,

    Hello and welcome. Sounds like you have a good plan by coming here to document your journey off the Dark Path. By sharing what you already did, that is great that you can be that honest and open. In addition to coming here to write and get support, take some time to look around here. Education is key to beating the monster of addiction, and there is plenty here. Also, for my recovery, it was great to learn that what I was thinking feeling was far from unique; in fact, the doubts and insecurities were quite common, and all part of the addiction monster's standard tricks to keep people from being the people they want to be.

    Keep up that attitude, commitment, and motivation and you will be successful.

    Keep the faith!
  • @Robert13 Hello and welcome to the Forum . I'm super glad that you want to try quitting again for good. I want you to know that it is possible, and we are here to support you however we can. You may need some additional support if you find yourself struggling . Some people opt for the AA meetings and some up for counseling or Treatment Center. Find whatever path works for you. 
    I find that educating myself on the disease of addiction helps me feel empowered . I also find that playing the tape through helps me not to act on addiction. Meaning I think to myself all the way through if I pick up that six-pack how will I feel at the end of the night? How will I feel tomorrow? Will it really solve anything? Is it really as great as I think it will be? When I can think about these things before ever even acting, it helps a lot.

    Why don't you get that bike back out and start riding? Exercise can certainly help when it comes to beating addiction. Start doing some things that you've been putting off or things that you want to try. Create the kind of life that you really want. Again welcome to the Forum and we are here for you anytime.
  • Thanks for the replies! I have been searching around the Forums here, and have found a lot of positive attitude and willingness to share and help. Glad I found you.

    Second day of sobriety, well, not fully so as I'm still plagued with the not unfamiliar symptoms of withdrawal. Last night's "sleep" was a horror of sweaty sheets and very vivid weird dreams. I swear if I could record them I'd be able to sell tickets.

    Did get on the bike today for a limited ride. I'm normally one of those cyclists  you might see in your neighborhood  dressed up like an acrobat, tights and all, zipping around on the road. Yet the fact is I'm this closet drunk, hardly a true picture of health. Not so closeted to those that know me.. 

    Anyway thanks again for the kind, encouraging words. Hoping to get some better sleep and then tomorrow hit the road again, maybe cut the grass, you know, the good side of life!
  • Up and at em'. Simple plans today. A trip to the supermarket for some healthy eats to replenish tapped out body. Get out for a ride before traffic heats up- won't be at my best- still jangly and won't play well with others.

    Get home and clean up this place. After a bender it looks like a war zone.. never fun to come upon something laying on the floor- or some mystery stain on the carpet- thinking "How the hell did THAT get there?"

    Get outside and cut that grass. After a bender it looks almost as bad as I feel. There's one guy on my block whose yard looks like a jungle.  He must use a machete to get to his front door. Wonder if he drinks?

    By this time I'll be whipped. Already feel that way actually. That's the thing about drunkenness in general IMO. Life is short, and it steals precious moments away. When I think what I could have accomplished over the past week- and then what I ACTUALLY have done with the time- might as well put some big fat "X's" on the calendar for days lost, gone forever with nothing to show.

    Then there will be downtime on my hands. I'm a news and internet junkie so that will be on the list. What's on TV Saturday night? Not a lot, most normal folk are actually out doing something.

    Sorry if this sounds like a diary. It is sort of soothing putting thoughts down. The main gist of this is keeping the rudder pointed towards recovery, and the good feelings therein. Thanks for "tuning in". 
  • @Robert13
    Welcome Robert. I am glad you found us. This is a wonderful place. I have been loved and accepted from the day I arrived. I can totally relate to your story. I too, was a binge blackout drunk. I would stay drunk for days and weeks at a time!! And I certainly remember the guilt. The shame. And for me it was pure agony. I would black out every single time I drank. To the point of asking people NOT to tell me wht I did or said. Unless it was important. I also wet the bed. Every single night. To the point of ruining beds. You are surely not alone!! As I have seen, there are many roads to recovery. Everyone is different. I personally got sober through the Power of God. I drank until everyone, and everything was gone. God was the only one who stuck around. I truly enjoy AA meetings. Many of the finest people I know I met in the program. The Big Book of AA is a great read. I see you are internet savy. Google AA book and check it out. The other thing for me. One day at a time. I CANNOT worry about tomorrow or next week. I only have today. So I commit and promise, that for today I wont drink. Do not borrow trouble from tomorrow. Good luck on your journey. Its tough at times. But I would not go back to where I came from, for a million dollars. That is a fact. Hope to see you around here!!
  • WOW! @Robert13, looks like you've been in here 3 days in a row! Congratulations! I'm glad you found us! How did your Saturday go? You had some good plans! Did you find something on TV?

    For me, I've struggled with opioids the last couple days as I had some oral surgery and am 58 days clean from them. I can proudly say I did not take the prescription from the dentist and survived the peak pain using anti-inflammatory he gave me instead! Yeah!  I'm not sure how I did it. I had all the reason to take them and I wanted to so so bad... 
     
    You've received some great information, feedback, and choices here at the forum. We are a very caring group of people who all are battling the addiction in some shape or form. I wish you good luck ion your journey and hope you come back here to share. Good news or bad news or just to rant for awhile. Welcome!

  • Glad to meet you, Tommy and Goodtr8s! (I get it!)
    Tommy, your road traveled sounds familiar indeed.Outstanding job man. 8's, way to go avoiding those pills- must have been a real temptation.

     Had a good weekend, spent hacking away in the yard and riding the bike.

    Sober as of Sunday night, feeling almost normal. Would really like to report back here in timely intervals.. maybe like next weekend- kind of like goalposts if you will.

    All you folks here are doing an incredible service to your fellows. The lost feeling of addiction is horrible, and here it felt (and feels) like a life line. Kudos, and I'll see ya on the weekend!
  • @Robert13 Hey there! Congrats on your sober time! And I'm glad that playing the tape through made sense to you.

    I enjoy your journaling here. I think it's a great space to put down your thoughts and your plans. And even jot down when those plans don't go the way you want them to. Know that you will never be judged here for anything. If you fall down, let us know and we'll help dust you off and get you back on your feet. Recovery is a learned process and just balancing life is an everyday thing. Coping with life and the pain that comes along with it sometimes in a healthy manner is what we aim for. And we celebrate every single Milestone on the way.

    Glad you got some things done this weekend. And yes, please check in when you can. Hope that you'll become a regular here on the Forum. There's a small group of us who journey in life together in this cyberspace here at recovery.org. It's just nice to know you always have a place to go and share whatever it is you want or need to share and know the others will simply support you no matter what.
  • @Robert13... I'm a little late to this thread, but I'm so happy you reached out to us. I'm also super proud of you for taking the necessary steps to improve your life. By my calculation, today would be Day 5 for you, and that's all kinds of awesome!

    We're here for you, Robert. If you need support, help, advice, or just a place to share your thoughts, you can come here anytime. 

    I'm sending you tons of encouragement and hope. Keep doing the next right thing and know that you will be happier and healthier without the beast known as alcohol in your world.
  • Thanks again good people. Today marks day 10 of sobriety. Feels darn good too, went out for a three hour ride today, now have my feet up, drinking Gatorade.
    Know from experience this is a sort of "high" in and of itself. The liberating feeling of being newly sober. The real work is making it long term. My sights are set. You guys have a great weekend, keep doing your wonderful work here,  I'll check in again next weekend!
  • Keep reminding yourself you're worth it! Glad to hear your hard work & focus is paying off! Keep it up and remember to wake each morning with a positive thought!
  • @Webster thank you for sharing!! :) 
  • @Robert13... Congrats on your 10 days of sobriety (which I hope is 12 days by now)! Just take things a day at a time and live in the moment. If you do that, the long-term sobriety will take care of itself.

    Sending you tons of positive mojo!
  • @Robert13... 12 days = all kinds of awesome! Nicely done!

    Just a bit of advice: Keep close watch on your heart, okay? Twenty years ago, I would have heart palpitations on occasion and they would always subside by the time I saw a doctor. Finally, I was able to see a doctor while the palpitations were still happening. It turned out to be atrial fibrillation, which is a pretty serious arrhythmia. I took meds for it for almost twenty years, and had a procedure done on my heart a little less than two years ago. I don't mean to scare you; I just want you to be aware of what's going on with your ticker and to follow up with your doctor if anything seems "off."

    Congrats again on 12 days! Just keep going!!!
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