Please help I need support

Hi
I've been on and off with my boyfriend for the past two years I've left so many times and always gone back I stay away for couple weeks then give in to him he's been addicted to heroin and crack for 15 years I met him when he came out of rehab the first 18 months were amazing then he relapsed I've stayed for two years knowing what he's doing I'm so depressed and ill I don't know what to do all my family and friends think I've not seen home for the last 18 months I've seen him when I can but he's destroyed me again I've left him today and am determined not to go back please help I can't do this alone I have no local support groups I can get to as I have my children I've had councilling for a year but that's stopped I'm on antidepressants I'm going insane I don't think I can live without him
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  • I have a suggestion you may want to try.  My therapist suggested it to me.  She suggested I set a specific amount of time out of every day  to thinking, worrying, getting anxious over him but after that amount of time is over the goal is to focus on enjoying the moment. When I find myself starting to  worry, thinking about him I catch myself and refocus on something positive. I am still practicing this but, its working and the amount of time I spend worrying about what he is doing and getting sad about what he is not doing  is less and less.

  • @eallen . hey there it's good to hear from you again. I'm super glad that you're here reaching out. I'm sorry that you are still struggling . It is good that you have left him again. I know it is challenging and you probably feel very alone, but this is for the best. You deserve a healthy relationship with a healthy individual. 

    We will be your support as best as we can. Are you able to get back to counseling? I believe that would be helpful as well. Perhaps you can come on the forum each day and share with us as part of your recovery process. I'm sure it will take some time to clear your head and begin to heal. It's very challenging to be with an addict, as you know. But now seems to be time for you to focus on you completely. On healing and growing on all levels. 

    How can we best support you? We are certainly here to listen and offer encouragement and unconditional love. I will pray for you as well. Know that you're not alone and that we do care about you. It may feel like you can't live without him... but i want to encourage you that you can... it may be rough for now, but we are here..reach out anytime.
  • @eallen GREAT that you haven't called him. it's almost like going through withdrawal. at least that's the way i remember it... i understand...but now, years later, am SOOOOOOO glad i made that cut. believe me... it will get better.

    yes, be with your kids...let your attention be upon them fully and yes, al-anon will be helpful too!  give it a try. 

    so glad you are here.... know that we are here for you (and we know you are here for us too) :)

    sending big hug!!
  • @eallen... Big props to you for resisting the urge to call him. I know it's not easy, but it's necessary for your own mental and physical health. And yes, you can come here anytime you'd like, as often as you'd like. There are no limits. We are here for you to lean on!!

    Sending you love, light, hope, and hugs. 

    Proud of you!
  • Thankyou @DeanD @dominica thankyou for your kind words worried about the weekend haven't got my kids so going to be hard to stay away from him I'm going to keep busy and have made plans with friends so hope I can get through this
  • Hi @DeanD no I haven't I will see if I can et a copy thankyou
  • Thanks @DeanD nearly through day three been tough but today is the first time I didn't pass his house was tempted to went that way then turned around I realised if I did it would confuse me even more and wonder if he's ok so I stayed away hard but so glad I managed to do it staying positive many thanks for your support through this I couldn't do it alone
  • Thanks @Bdn20 I will try that approach and see if it helps
  • @Bdn20... Thanks for sharing that strategy your therapist suggested. :)
  • Hi thankyou everyone this is my only support being on here right now I intend to go to Alanon next week to help me ge through this day five over now approaching the longest time with no contact over the past 4 years just need to get past the first few weeks I guess, it is so hard I don't know why if it's because I worry about him doing something silly or whether it's cause I don't want him to be with anyone else and move on I guess but deep down I'm not in love with him I hate him morefor doing this to us I just have to believe that he didn't do this to hurt me I need to stay strong x
  • Yes thankyou @DeanD I guess I didn't expect his name to come
    Up kind of glad at least I know he's ok I guess but yes your right I need to remove all contact of anything to relate to him so I don't go back thanks for your quick reply
  • @eallen really helped me to start watching youtube videos... look up codependency and watch some... when i left a toxic relationship and felt like i was dying...i would watch for hours and hours.... it helped. gave me hope... still hurt, but gave me hope.
  • @eallen... I commented on a post you made in another thread, so be sure to look for that. I want you to work on caring for yourself. If you allow yourself to be addicted to his addiction, it will take you down, too. You have to put yourself and your children first. And getting back into counseling would be a terrific thing. That and/or support group meetings.

    We are here for you, my friend.
  • @eallen  Its hard to leave and just as hard to stay away.  I like to look at it as stages of growth.  I want you to know you are not alone.  I want you to know that you can get through this.  I know for me that each time I set boundaries for myself and then with the addict I love emotional strength is increased.  It started many years ago but, I felt stuck recently and that's when I found this cite.  Reading others stories, sharing thoughts and ideas and reading and watching the recommended suggestions by DeanD and  dominica  were, are so helpful to me.  I hope you find they are helpful to you as well

  • Thankyou for @dominica @Dean D I had to stop councilling due to the cost I had a couple months off the NHS then had to pay weekly , I just don't know why I put up with it years ago with my husband (now divorced) I wouldn't put up with something like this it's like I feel alone and I don't want to be single he took on my children as his own they loved him
    To they've let go and haven't seen him for well over a year and a half, I just can't the fear of being alone I've tried meeting other people I just hav trust issues I panic when I'm out with them have anxiety attachs it's awful, I have a really good job I'm at open university studying have done my first year which is something I did for me but yet I still carried on with him I don't even think I do love him think it's more hate but I miss him like mad we talked on the phone each day and seen him few times a week It's great I can turn to you all I will come on each day and let you know my progress it will help greatly and I do a lot of reading stories on here it helps me see it's not just me suffering thankyou
  • @Bdn20 thankyou I know I can do it just need to take one day at a time it's like I leave can do it for over a week or two then I get angry thinking why doesn't he care about me why has he not contacted me then I contact him and he's still no different he's still using I think if I leave he will change but he doesn't and I told him yesterday when I left even if he's clean I can't have a future with him I don't trust him and he's hurt me in ways il never forgive him and my family and my Feiends would leave me if I went back
  • @eallen yes, i hope you can come on every day. we are your friends!!

    i wanted to mention when i was having big trust issues and needed some support years ago, i started attending a small church. i found nice people there who accepted me. i later found a spiritual center i liked... just a thought. there are great people in and out of a religious organization, of course. it just helped me a lot...

    check in with us today and let us know how you're doing!
  • @dominica thanks for your message day one nearly over have had lots of tears and have been tempted to call him but haven't but tried to keep busy today try and get my strength from my children and keep going , yes I will look into church I have found a al anon group quote far from me but I could go to once a week so hoping that will help me il be away next week for a week so looking forward to that hoping will distract me for a bit thankyou
  • @eallen that's great you made plans with friends!! maybe make a list of the reasons why you should not and will not contact him....then when you're tempted, get that list out and look at it.... remind yourself. 

    remember that the longer you stay away, the easier it will be. hard for now, but you are doing it!! :) 

    check in and let us know how you're weekend is going.
  • @eallen... Keeping busy is a great idea. Do stuff with your friends and take good care of YOU. And like Dominica said, check in with us and let us know how the weekend goes. 

    Sending you tons of positive juju!
  • Thanks @dominica @Deand it's going to be hard struggling already have drive by his house once it's on the main route to where I drive past most days was hard not to go in looking to see if his window is open or if it's shut makes me wonder is he ok is he alive I didn't go in so that's a start I want to delete his number so I can't call or text but if I do it's closure and in the end I know I should do it but it's going to be hard
  • @eallen that's great you didn't go check on him.... it's time to focus solely on you and your kids.... yes, you are doing good!!!  go ahead and delete his number...you  may need some closure! :)
  • @dominica well I'm gutted I messed up I went out drank far to much and texted him saying I missed him he text me back saying he loved me so much and bye like he was telling me bye that's he end which made me feel worse I didn't reply I got more drunk
    And got upset with myself for even trying I really do need to delete the number now I feel like such a failure day three and failed x
  • @eallen it's a relapse... recovery sometimes involves relapse. get up and dust yourself off and try again.... what have you learned from this last relapse?

    you can begin again... i would do your best to avoid alcohol at this time in your life.... as you know, it can cause us to do things we regret...

    check in today...let us know how you are...and chin up. start over working on YOU.
  • @dominica your right alcohol is best for me to avoid right now it ends up in more upset and feeling low, i know I need to be strong and delete the number and block him from
    Contacting me , i am feeling low and upset today I have wrote a list of all the bad things he done to me and why I should stay away I hope this will help me thankyou
  • It's so hard all my friends family all Say he treated me so bad how did I put up with it but deep down I know he loves me and it's the drugs that took him from me, if I had a choice I'd take him back but I can't I don't trust him how can you be with someone you don't trust, so many times I drive myself crazy thinking was it me was I crazy for not believing him he's completely destroyed my mind, I used to drive around day and night looking for him putting myself at risk he would ring and beg me for money if I said no he threaten to kill hisself he'd text to say he was cutting himself or he would hurt someone he would go out at night stealing off people he even threw someone out of a car trying to get money this is what he said when he had no money he would say he's been robbed, he also has skitsiphernia he takes pills all the time on top of drugs he drinks and he wonders why I would turn up he'd be out of his face didn't even know where he was I think to myself this is no life I don't understand why he went back il never know the truth which hurts even more,he was clean for two years so I think out of 18 years of his life he has no family or friends just me how do I know he's safe what if he does something stupid I would blame myself for leaving him how do I ever get over this all I wanted was a future with him I love him it's like the world has ended to me I don't know how il ever love again il never forget what he did to me I hate him for that but how do you erase all this from your memory it's going be tough for me he's so close by not like I'm never going see him around he always said he'll never go cause he still believes il go back to him
  • @eallen... You're a human being and human beings mess up sometimes. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just learn from it and keep moving forward. Concentrate on taking care of YOU. On making YOU happy. On doing things YOU want to do. I know letting go isn't easy, but focusing on YOU can ease the struggle.

    Sending you love and light.
  • Thanks @Deand day two nearly over its hard and I know it's going to get worse before it gets better just need to stay strong and hope I can do this , just keep reminding myself of the daily struggle i went through the sleepless nights the constant worry checking my phone all the time and running to him every time he needs me I need to be me and get better for my children
    Staying positive
  • @eallen... I may have asked you this before, so if I have please forgive me. But have you read the book Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie? I think it might really help you. Just a thought.

    Keep staying positive. ++++++++++ :)
  • Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, @eallen
  • @eallen... Don't mention it. We are here for you anytime you need us. You are not alone. :)
  • Hi so I'm now on my holiday miles away from home the anxiety and panic is terrific feel so lost with him not near by hoping and praying he's ok so want to contact him but no I can't he should be with me enjoying the holiday feel so lost and unhappy I should be enjoying my time away day four gone not heard from
    Him kind makes me sad and angry thinking maybe he did never care about me but in a way perhaps it's good he hasn't as I would prob respond and all it would be would to ask for money or help in some way just wonder how did this all happen and why me what did I do to deserve this unhappiness
  • @eallen... I know it's hard. But try to concentrate on enjoying yourself and practicing some radical self-care. You deserve that so much. Try not to let someone else dictate whether or not you are happy. Like I said, I know it's hard. But please try. Because you do not deserve to be unhappy.

    Big hugs being sent to you in Spain. :)
  • As Dean said on my thread, you need to take care of yourself first, make yourself number 1.
    Not easy to walk away, as you know I'm in the same boat but your circumstances are worse than mine I think ?.
    Keep posting and getting it off your chest, it helps.
    I'm thinking of you and willing you on. I wish I had your strength.
  • @eallen... We are happy to support you, my friend. Please come and lean on us whenever you feel like it. We're all rooting for you!
  • Thankyou @bubblegum today was a struggle on day six now nearly on a week which is a great achievement for me am pleased but sad to maybe it helps cause I'm thousands of miles away not sure how il be when I get home as it's a five min drive to his and On way to places I go guess as the weeks go by il feel better hope so anyway try to focus on me going to get back to the gym eat healthy and back to studying in September so lots planned hope your feeling ok today
  • Thankyou @DeanD day six over still struggling guess it will get worse before better time to have a positive change to my life and hope one day il get over all this hurt
  • @eallen... Congrats on 6 days. I know it's not easy, but it will get better. I know it will. 

    Sending you big hugs.
  • Thanks @DeanD one week done still sad and struggling but pleased I achieved one week, really need to start thinking of me now and making myself better lots of plans in place now just hope I can get through the next few weeks starting to relax and enjoying my holiday a little more
  • One week is FABULOUS, @eallen!!! I'm proud of you!!! And it's okay to be sad. You are grieving. There's nothing wrong with that. But keep thinking of/working on YOU!
  • Thanks @DeanD got through day 9 now is tough but reality will be when I get home need to stay strong it's less and less now I think about him still a lot though, going to have to try and keep busy and get trough the next couple weeks then back to work and study so lots for me to keep busy , I think my main worry was always being single and alone it will take me a long time to trust anyone again I think now I need to concentrate on me and not worry about that one day il meet someone who will give me what I deserve well I hope so anyway
    Thankyou for being here for me
  • @eallen congrats on 9 days!!  glad you will have lots to keep you busy. that will help!!  yes, focus on you for now... when we get far off into the future, we miss out on the NOW... :)
  • @eallen... Nine days is most excellent! Yes, try and keep as busy as possible. That's a great way to keep your mind from going to that dark place. Remember that YOU should be at the top of your priority list...always! And yes, you WILL meet that special someone at some point. Live in the moment, my dear. One day at a time. YOU are awesome!!!
  • Thanks @dominica and @DeanD so day ten over was
    Feeling ok then I went on Facebook and his name appeared on messenger to say he was online hadn't messeged me I nearly messaged but then got off and wrote on hear instead my hearts racing cause I want to write why haven't you messeged me why don't you care about me but then I did tell him not to so I guess I should stick by that I still thought though he would say something would of made me feel better to hear he misses me perhaps I don't mean as much to him as I thought now I have all these thoughts in my mind perhaps I really don't matter to him which makes me angry and sad
  • Congrats on 10 days, @eallen. And good for you for not messaging him and coming here instead. Maybe turn FB messenger off for a while? Just a thought. It would eliminate an urge/trigger that you don't really need right now. 

    Sending you hugs, my dear.
  • You are very welcome, @eallen. :)
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