Rumor has it that this guide to working the Steps in CODA came out of
San Jose. I found it useful. It is not approved by the CODA office in
Phoenix, and it stops at Step 7 in the current form.  

-----
 
STEP ONE
 
We admitted that we were powerless over others - that our lives had become
unmanageable.
 
When we arrived at CoDependents Anonymous, we discovered that we had lived
our lives in a co-dependent stance, focusing excessively on others. We were
always in some way enmeshed with another. We had been taught that we were,
indeed, responsible for others. We believed that an attitude, an action or a
word, on our part could make a change in another. It was our belief that we
could create feelings in others. We could make them happy, sad, loving,
angry, proud, ashamed, safe or afraid. In other words, we believed we had a
great deal of power and could create the reality of another in a positive or
negative way. 
 
Having incorporated this belief into our very being, it was imperative that
we be in control of ourselves, others and our environment. The basic value
of our being rested upon that control. We tried to force things to happen in
a manner and at such times as we designated. We believed that we could stop
the flow of life and change things to our own liking. 
 
Now, at CoDependents Anonymous, we were being told that we must admit that
we are powerless; that we really have no control of anything. Who would
admit that? Before we could ever come to that admission, our lives had to be
totally unmanageable. We had to arrive at a point of despair as our attempts
at controlling others, and even ourselves, failed over and over again. 
 
There are many ways to reach certain failure. One is to try to behave
exactly the way someone else wants one to behave. Another is to try to get
others to behave the way we want them to. Both are impossible, and yet this
is the way we had lived our lives. We had to surrender to the fact that we
cannot even control our own lives, much less the lives of others; that we
cannot manipulate or connive to get our own emotional needs met; that we
cannot make or keep life submissive to our desires.
 
This seemed so drastic - to give up completely. It was very scary. Yet in a
way it felt good... it was a relief. We had discovered that we were
powerless over the thoughts, opinions, feelings, and actions of others. As
we yielded to these thoughts an enormous load was lifted from our shoulders.
We no longer needed to "fake it". We had discovered that we were only human
beings with our own limitations. We were not the saviors of mankind. 
 
ACTIVITY
 
In surrendering to our powerlessness over the control of others and
admitting that we did indeed have limitations, we discovered symptoms of our
co-dependency. These symptoms result in specific areas of unmanageability:
low or non-existent self-esteem vs. arrogance/grandiosity; difficulty owning
our own reality; difficulty acknowledging and/or taking care of our own
wants and needs; operating in the extreme with no ability to be moderate;
and lastly, an impaired boundary system. 
 
It is time now to inventory what we have on hand. We must look at these
self-defeating beliefs which had brought such issues of unmanageability into
our very souls and into every relationship with others and ourselves. 
 
The first core issue is that of self-esteem. It is either low or non-
existent on one end of the continuum, or arrogant and grandiose on the
other. Either end is just as self-defeating, and both or based on the
treatment we received in our family of origin. When we begin this journey of
self discovery, we are powerless over our self-esteem issues as they exist.
The value of our very selves has been given credence by the way we have been
treated by our major care-givers. Low or non-existent self esteem comes from
not being valued by those caring for us. The arrogance or grandiosity comes
from being taught by the care-givers to put ourselves above others so we do
not have a sense of shame. This means turning off feelings so we are unable
to feel shame. The arrogance really covers the lack of a true sense of self
esteem.
 
Areas of unmanageability that arise out of this first core issue are:
        People pleasing (fear of rejection)
        Create character acceptable to others (extreme self-control)
        Immobilized
        Loss of confidence of self
        Accept the unacceptable
        Seeking approval
        Feel different from others
        Don't know one has rights
        Feel guilty when stand up for self
        Judge self harshly
        Unable to hear compliments
        Fear judgement and criticism of others
        Over-react to changes (rigid)
        Act contemptuously
        Better than others
        Perfectionism
        Don't feel things
 
In order to confront the self-esteem issue, we need to make a decision to
build our self-esteem from within. We will perform 
affirmation work and set healthy boundaries.
 
The second symptom or core issue of co-dependency over which we are
powerless is difficulty owning our own reality. Our reality is made up of
our body (what we look like), our thinking (giving meaning to our
environment), our feeling (emotions), and our behavior (what we do and don't
do).
 
Reality for us comes in two forms: 1) We know and won't tell. 2) We don't
know. This also developed from our treatment in our family of origin. Our
reality was either ignored (covert or hidden abuse), attacked (overt abuse),
and/or it was denied or disputed.
 
In order to begin owning our own reality, we need to look at each part of it
and decide where we are 1. or 2.:
 
        Our body: 1) Know and won't tell  or  2) Don't know
        Our thinking:
        Our feeling:    
        Our behavior:
 
Some results of not owning our own reality are:
        Can't be intimate 
        No sense of self
        Controlling to get others to tell you who you are 
        Addictive relationships - trying to get someone to fill my needs
        No sense of aliveness, so unable to be spontaneous and have fun
No sense of feelings, so they explode into depression, headaches,  
colitis, rage, panic, cancer, skin disorders
        Drugs to medicate unexpressed anger, fear, pain and shame
Last but no least: dishonesty with self and others concerning every    
area of our reality
        
We confront owning our own reality by verbalizing what it is, if we know,
and by making it up if we don't know. Gradually, by giving validity to the
fact that we must own our own reality, when we make it up, and it is not
correct, the right reality will come to us. We will begin to move from not
knowing to knowing. 
 
A third issue of unmanageability is difficulty acknowledging and/or taking
care of our own needs and wants. This can be experienced by:
        Knowing needs but won't take care of them
        Don't know what our needs are
        Want everything, but don't know needs
 
These self-defeating attitudes are brought about by 1) being attacked for
needing or wanting; or 2) from having those needs and wants ignored or
denied.
 
All humans have dependency needs: food, clothing, shelter, physical
nurturing (hugs, touching, love), medical/dental attentions, and focal needs
(time, attention, and direction) in order to grow and flourish. 
 
If these needs are ignored or denied, areas of unmanageability arise for
us:
        1. Unnecessary physical illness because we know we are ill but won't go
           to a doctor, or we don't know we are ill at all. 
        2. Only get needs met passively, therefore few needs met.
                Different stages of passivity:
                        a. Denial of needs;
                        b. Know there is a need, but do nothing about it;
                        c. Know there is a need but ask someone else to tell 
                           us what to do and then we either do it or not;
                        d. Agitation - where lots is going on, but nothing is 
                           really happening to take care of needs;
                        e. Escalate into sickness or violence, then someone 
                           will have to take care of those needs.
In the beginning, do we know here we are with our wants (preferences)? Do we
know what they are, or might we know that they are and won't tell? An area
of real unmanageability can be the profound resentment arising from blaming
another person for not meeting our needs and wants.
 
To resolve these issues of needing and wanting, if we know what they are, we
must begin to take care of them as they arise. If we don't know what they
are, we must keep a daily inventory of our awareness level of needs and
wants, until we are in a place that we know what they are and can take care
of them.
 
The next core issue over which we are powerless and which causes much
unmanageability in our lives is "operating in the extreme" or not
understanding the normal. Everything is right or wrong. All events, people,
situations, are all good or all bad. It is a child's way of looking at
things and is extremely harmful in adult life. It fosters perfectionism and
intolerance of the ambiguity that is part of the human condition. It is born
out of our experiencing only immoderate behavior from our care-givers.
 
We need to learn that this affects all levels of our reality:
 
        1. Body - dressing in the extreme, either to blend into the background
           or so it is difficult to tell whether one is male or female. The 
           other extreme would be to be too revealing.
 
        2. Thinking - solutions are all black ar all white and everything is
           taken literally.
 
        3. Feeling - which is experienced by:
                a. Shame attacks
                b. Panic attacks
                c. Rage attacks
                d. Hopeless attacks
                e. Suicide attacks
                f. Escape attacks
 
The following extremely immoderate feelings are where the disease is seen as
the sickest:
 
        4. Behaving in the extreme:
                a. Trust everyone or no one
                b. Touch everyone or no one
                c. Discipline in the extreme or not at all
                d. Cry (whine and snivel) or rage
 
This issue produces very unstable relationships. We are acting out, being
rigid and judgmental, or wishy-washy, a victim, and we can flip-flop back
and forth between the two. It is highly abusive to those around us. 
 
To recover from operating in the extreme, we need to visualize the opposite
ends of the continuum in each area, then move toward the center where
moderate responses are located. We learn by forcing ourselves to respond in
a moderate way even when it feels wrong.
 
The last symptom over which we are powerless and which causes innumerable
issues of unmanageability in our lives is an impaired or non-existent
boundary system. This appears in four different and distinct forms:
        1. Non-existent, which offers no protection
        2. Damaged, which offers partial protection
        3. Wall of anger or fear, which offers total protection
        4. Flip-flop: wall to non-existent, and back
 
We need boundaries to protect ourselves and to keep us from offending
others. If healthy boundaries have not been modeled by our major care-
givers, we will not have them. If one has no boundaries, one is set up to
become a victim and/or an offender. The offender has no boundaries,
therefore they are unable to conceive that others have a right to
boundaries.
 
The components of a boundary system are:
        1. The external boundary
                a. physical which protects the body
                b. sexual which protects the sexual aspects of the body
        2. The internal boundary
                a. emotional, which protects the feelings
                b. spiritual/intellectual which protects thinking
 
In examining our external boundary, we need to assess if we have a non-
existent, a damaged, flip-flop, or an intact boundary. In doing this, we
need to recognize whether we even know if someone is being physically or
sexually inappropriate with us. We need to understand that our body is our
own; that others' bodies belong to themselves. A non-existent boundary also
sets us up to be physically and sexually offensive to others. 
 
If we have a wall of anger, no one will come near. If we have a wall of
fear, we run away and keep our distance. If we have a damaged boundary, it
is people-selective. Part of the time we can protect ourselves and part of
the time we can't. 
 
The emotional internal boundary is the most damaged, for as a result of our
treatment by our major care-givers, it has been shifted into reverse. What I
see in front of me, I take into my brain where it is given meaning, my
feeling of reality is generated and turned into a particular behavior. That
behavior has to do with me and my history, and not what is going on in
reality, so I find I cannot blame others for my own reality. 
 
In the disease of co-dependence, I blame others for my reality, and
conversely, I accept responsibility for what is going on with them. I
believe I can cause someone to feel a certain way, just as others cause me
to feel the way I am feeling. This was caused by major care-givers standing
over us, saying, "It is all your fault - if you would just shape up, I
wouldn't have to do this to you. I am doing this because you caused me to
feel this way!"
 
There are two important notes having to do with the emotional boundaries:
 
        1. I am not responsible for your reality any more than you are
responsible for mine. However, I am responsible for noting the impact of my
behavior on someone I am, or hope to be, in a relationship with. I may wish
to change my behavior in order to live more comfortably together. 
 
        2. If one person in a relationship is responsible for offending the
other in a major way (by punching through the physical, sexual, emotional,
or spiritual boundary) the person who committed the offense is accountable
and responsible for the effect on the other person. Amends are needed.
 
An intact emotional boundary lets us know that what is going on with us had
to do with our history, and that what is going on with others had do with
them and their history. But if I have offended someone and they are sharing
their reality with me, at that time I must note the impact of my behavior on
them. The healing of this emotional boundary is what allows us to become
intimate. 
 
Spiritual/Intellectual Boundary, has do to with the fact that I have a right
to think what I want to think... I need only face the consequences of my own
thinking.
 
1. No Boundary - believing reality is based on who one is listening to at
the moment.
2. Wall (anger or fear ) - one doesn't care, doesn't share, doesn't listen.
3. Damaged - around certain people one has to believe the data (priest,
teacher, doctor, etc.)
4. Intact - listen to the data, assess it, make a decision whether you take
it in, keep it out, or watch it. 
 
Setting up boundaries:
 
A. Physical. I have the right to determine when, where, how, and who is
going to touch me, and how close they are going to be with me. As I have a
physical boundary, I will allow others theirs and not offend by moving
inside that boundary.
 
B. Sexual. I have the right to determine with whom, where, when, and how I
am going to be sexual.
 
C. Emotional. My reality (what I look like, think, do, or don't do) is more
about me and my history than anything you are saying or doing, have said or
done. Conversely, your reality is more about you and your history than what
I have said and done. However. I am responsible for noting the impact of my
behavior on you, especially if we are in a close, continuous relationship.
 
I must remember: What is going on with me has to do with me and my history,
unless I have been offended. What is going on with others has to do with
them, unless I have offended them.
 
This is the way we become intimate. Otherwise we are blaming others for our
own reality, and that is not intimacy. We are ready to surrender these
harmful issues that have caused us so much pain. 
 
STEP TWO
 
Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to
sanity.
 
Having reached that point of complete surrender, beaten by our own self-
defeating attitudes, Step 2 sounded as ring of hope after utter despair.
Maybe... just maybe... there was a Power greater than we were.
 
We had lived our lives relying completely upon our own will so that we did
not have to trust anyone. We had become afraid to trust. Also, many of us
were angry at a Power we had prayed to that seemed to ignore our prayers. We
had been disappointed time after time in the God that we understood, as well
as the people in our lives. So we came to this point... unwilling to
trust... and may of us came there filled with anger.
 
Arriving at the program with these attitudes, we were surprised to discover
that many had found here a God that they understood, one that truly cared
about them. For may, this Higher Power was experienced first in the
unconditional love and acceptance of those people present at meetings. There
were no demands placed on us... all we had to do was show up. When we did,
we could experience that love. Gradually as time passed and we continued
attending meetings, we learned to be as honest, open, and willing as we
could be. The trust missing from our lives began, little by little, to
become part of our experience. 
 
Another real problem for many of us arose when we came to the words,
"restore us to sanity". For there were those among us who believed, with
every fiber of their being, that they were the only sane people in their
lives. They were  trying, against all odds, to make people happy, to fix the
problems in their lives, to please others, to figure out what others needed
and wanted. All this was done regardless of how they themselves felt. It had
been perceived that it was our responsibility to care for others; that to
think of ourselves was selfish. It was very difficult to come to the
understanding that these beliefs were "insane". 
 
The legal definition of insanity is: "to be unable to distinguish between
right and wrong." We had believed, with certainty, that we did know the
difference. However, in attending meetings and identifying with the stories
of others, we began to see that almost everything we considered right was
wrong. Those things we had believed were wrong were undeniably right.
 
There came a very gradual realization that we had been beating our heads
against stone walls in attempting to impose our will upon the will of
others. We came to understand that anything we do that is destructive to
ourselves or others is insane. Things that had filled our lives such as
worry, fear, resentment, compulsion, or obsessions, negative thoughts, and
attempts to control others, were seen in a new light.
 
As we began to believe and trust in a Power outside ourselves, the beginning
of humility was within our reach. We had lived our lives based on the belief
that there was no problem we couldn't or shouldn't solve. We had to sweep
away those unsound thoughts, accept the truth of our humanity, and believe
that a Higher Power could restore us to sound thinking. We were no longer
isolated or alone!
 
STEP THREE
 
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as
we understood God. 
 
        What an order! To make a contract to turn our will and our lives over
to the care of Someone other than ourselves! We, who had relied completely
on ourselves! However, we had admitted that we had been beaten into a state
of powerlessness; and that our continuing efforts to control our world had
made our lives unmanageable. We had also come to a new understanding of a
Power greater than ourselves; a Power that could bring us to a state of
belonging rather than isolation; a Power that would restore us to sound
thinking instead of the self-destructive way of thinking that had been born
out of our dysfunctional family systems.
 
This Third Step suggested that we turn everything we are over to the care of
this God, as we understood God. For many of us, this seemed impossible. The
God we understood when we arrived at this point was an angry God, a
scorekeeper, up there "somewhere" remote and disinterested. This God's love
had to be earned, and this God had disappointed us time after time by
seemingly not answering our prayers. We had been taught to pray to God, to
ask for things we had already decided upon before we asked for help. This
was quite different from turning the complete essence of our being over to
God to with as He/She wills.
 
Many of us were extreme perfectionists. We felt that there was something
innately wrong with us, so we spent our lives trying to be "perfect" in
everything. We could never admit to anyone, especially ourselves, that there
could possibly be a flaw in our make-up. This attitude set us up to be our
own Higher Power, and denied us the ability to be spiritual. If we were,
indeed, so perfect there was not need for another Higher Power. We had been
in charge, believing that we did not need any help. When we did arrive at
CoDependents Anonymous, however, we were not in charge and not feeling very
perfect. We had allowed other human beings to become our Higher Power.
 
Affirmative action was called for. We had to make a decision, and it took an
act of our will to do that. For many of us, it was not too difficult to
decide to turn ourselves over completely care of a Higher Power. By now we
recognized that we had not done such a wonderful job of managing our own
lives. But there were those of us who could not let go altogether. 
 
It is good to note right here that this Program and these Steps are paced
for individuals. We each work our Program in our own time and in our own
way. We need never feel pressured. We may need help to keep trying, but to
try gently. Many of us wanted the blessing we saw in others that had worked
this step - but we wanted it yesterday! However, we found that in order to
achieve this, it was essential for each of us to go through the process.
 
Those who completed this process and were able to place their very being in
the hands of the God they found here, discovered Him to be all-loving, kind,
and truly concerned about their well-being. They began to understand that,
as He gave each of them free will, He would never force Himself on them. It
was necessary for them to choose Him and freely decide that they needed Him,
for He knew infinitely more about what was good for them than they did. 
It was coming to understand that what He wanted for us was to love
ourselves, love others, feel and act in as way that was joyful. We were
unable to do this for ourselves, for we did not know how. We didn't know it
was OK to love ourselves. We needed to ask for help - His help. Those who
had asked for His help told us how they had received it. All that was
necessary was to ask and be ready to receive His grace. Then it became
possible to begin to say "Yes" to ourselves instead of always saying "No".
We had been born with the right intuitions... to love ourselves and take
care of ourselves. But we had been taught that was wrong, that we must put
our feelings aside and say "No" to ourselves. By doing this, we had done much
destruction to ourselves. This resulted also in destruction to others. Now
we had found a God that told us to care for ourselves. If we asked Him for
guidance, and gave Him our lives and our will, He showed us how!
 
As we turned more and more of ourselves over to the God we were coming to
understand, we found that He was not going to do the whole job for us. We
had footwork to do. We needed to seek out His will for us on a daily basis,
then go forward to carry that out with the strength given us by God. We
discovered that He would not make automatons of us. He wanted us to be
creative, capable and competent and He gave us enough of His power to
accomplish that. We found that the more dependent we became on our God, the
more independent we really were. We were no longer possessed by others in
our lives. 
 
Having given our will to God, we learned we could trust it, and understood
that our wants had come from Him. We discovered that our lives were really
none of our business... they were His. Every want came from Him. We could
say "yes" to ourselves for we had become ready to do His will. As we humbly
asked to know that will, and were willing to carry it out, we received God's
power to do his works. We had found the secret of the Program!
 
STEP FOUR
 
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
 
For those of us who came here with painfully low self-esteem, this step
appeared to be an insurmountable barrier. Those who had lived their lives in
a perfectionist stance also had much difficulty, especially in terms of
relating to this step and seeing how it applied to them. However, those who
had thoroughly taken the first three Steps found them to be an immeasurable
help, for they had a solid spiritual foundation on which to build. The
humility and self-searching, which the first steps demanded, now allowed us
to begin a process of understanding our powerlessness in many areas of our
lives which had become unmanageable.
 
Whether we came to CODA depressive and awash with guilt and self-loathing,
or self-righteous and grandiose, we found in our First Step that in many
areas of our lives we had set ourselves up in power struggles with those
with whom we had relationships. It became those power issues we needed to
examine and explore with painstaking care. We learned that because of our
problems with self-esteem, when we tried to be in control and hold power
over others, we harmed those people. We need to look clearly at the
unhappiness this has caused others and ourselves. By discovering what these
power issues are, we can move towards correcting them. 
 
We must be very careful not to find excuses for avoiding an inventory. It is
easy, if we are depressive and feeling guilty, to convince ourselves we dare
not examine too closely or we might sink into such despair, oblivion would
be the only way out. Such an attitude displays loss of all perspective... it
is pride in reverse.
 
We can also find a wonderful way to avoid an inventory if we persist in the
belief that all our problems are the result of the behavior of others. "They
are the ones who really need to take an inventory." "If they treated us
better, we'd be all right." This is the place where sponsors step in and
help those with such beliefs begin to understand their own fallibility. We
all need to see how our erratic emotions victimized us and others. 
 
In Step Four the word "fearless" means "without fear" or "without being
afraid of something." Somehow, when we first looked at this Step, we thought
of the word "brave" when we read "fearless." We believed we must find a way
to be brave while taking this inventory of ourselves: that courage was what
was required. However, we discovered that the humility - the reliance on and
trust in the Higher power we had found - gave us a new kind of confidence.
 
We could now ponder and begin a list of those attitudes, beliefs, and
behaviors we brought with us when we arrived here. Those things which had
really harmed us and others were the result of the power struggle in which
we tried to force others to do for us what was not done for us by our major
care-givers.
 
Have we assigned unrealistic expectations to those we are in relationships
with? Did we place unnecessary demands on our relationships by making them
too important? Was it a part of our pattern to blame others that things were
not better for us? Have we given so much time and attention to those we are
in relationships with that we have neglected ourselves? By so doing, have we
lost our own reality and become either super-dependent or anti-dependent?
Did we cause melodrama and great intensity by over-reacting or by not
sharing ourselves at all? Did we completely enmesh with another in the
attempt to become whole? Have we become the person who holds everything in
because we believe our feelings are irrelevant to anyone? Or have we been
self-will run riot: controlling by being out of control?
 
We were born valuable, but we were not treated as having value; so, in a
sense, our value was taken from us. As a result, we learned to get our value
from others. Hence, if we were in a dependent position and had no
boundaries, others' esteem became our esteem in a sort of osmosis.
Conversely, those in the anti-dependent stance would literally take others'
value from them by using any measure to put themselves in a one-up position.
This became a very large issue in the resulting power struggle.
 
Have we harmed others in trying to get value or esteem? There are two ways
of trying to get esteem which are victimizing and abusive. They are 1)
controlling and 2) manipulating.
 
Control is an attempt, right up front, to remove any threat to one's own
self-esteem at the expense of another. Some of us found we had controlled
others in many ways: Direct orders; verbal physical, or sexual abuse; being
right all the time; silence; making promises and intentionally breaking
them; betrayal, i.e. affairs; addictions; threatened suicide; attack at most
vulnerable point, i.e. failure as parent; not giving someone what has really
been requested; bullying or bribing; lying; stealing; or cheating. 
Others of us found we struggled for power in a very sneaky way. This covert
manner of trying to determine the outcome of any situation is called
manipulating. We may have attempted to assuage our fear and be victorious in
power games by: not giving complete information so another could make a
rational decision; silence; retreating; making decisions without asking
others; opinion; making decisions in spite of what the other wants; being
extremely critical; putting the other down by making them wrong.
 
These long- established habits arose out of our family of origin where we
did not have choices. As children, we were forced to do things the way our
primary care-givers wanted. We never had the opportunity to experience our
own power appropriately, nor did we learn to share power and cooperation. 
 
There are different ways to inventory what we brought with us as we came to
CoDependents Anonymous. Many found it helpful to do a written inventory,
listing strengths as well as defects.
 
Others wrote their life story. Those who did life stories recorded
significant events in their lives and wrote honestly of their feelings about
those events. We discovered the ways in which the power games we played
caused us and others many problems. The issues were not outside us, but
within us all the time. It was important to look at these with the single
goal of healing ad becoming whole. The real importance of this Step comes in
exposing these "demons", for they never are as bad in the light as they were
whistling around in the darkness of our minds.
 
These deeply rooted characteristics were hard to recognize in the beginning.
However, we found in this Step a tool by which we could bring to light the
true source of our problems. It was a great lift when we realized we were
not alone in this. We had the guidance of the God of our understanding, who
was always there. And we had the support and love of understanding friends
in CoDependents Anonymous.
 
STEP FIVE
 
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature
of our wrongs.
 
As we continued through the Twelve Steps, we found the process required more
and more humility. Step Five required a great deal of humility. However, the
pattern had been set up for us in Step One when we admitted we were
powerless. In Step Two, the pattern continued as we acknowledged there was a
Power greater than ourselves, and, in Step Three, when we made a decision to
give ourselves over to the care of that Power. Step Four helped us face up
to ways we had injured others, as well as ourselves. All of this required
humility, which we discovered, was a continuing process of uncovering our
humanity. 
 
If we have become truly humble, Step Five offers us a way to test our
humility. Would we be humble enough to see ourselves as a human being in a
world of human beings? If we have achieved some humility, we will be better
able to accept ourselves with our shortcomings as revealed to us in our
inventory. We will not have too much trouble taking Step Five once we find
the right person with whom to do it. If we are not truly humble, only humble
in certain areas, or bothered by false pride in other areas, we will have
trouble with this Step. Our humility will be deepened, however, by an effort
which is honest, open, and willing as possible.
 
We decided to do as three-fold admitting: First to God, which prepared us
for what came next: to admit our flaws to ourselves and to another human
being. We learned from others we were not informing God of something only we
knew. This action was necessary because of its impact on us. It gave us a
feeling of intimacy with God when we communicated these things without
embarrassment or shame. 
 
As codependents, we have recognized we are, and have been, shame-based
people. Growing up in our dysfunctional family systems, it was not all right
to have shortcomings. Perfection was demanded of us, and because we believed
we must be perfect, we were set up to fall into shame. Most of our lives had
been lived trying to be perfect human beings, living perfect lives, and
doing everything perfectly. Our families would not accept imperfection. Even
our minor mistakes were treated as major infractions and our punishment was
often shaming and abusive. 
 
In this shaming process, we lost all sense of the self so there could be no
personal growth. Shame kept us from loving and being loved by others. It
robbed us of relationships because of our inability to be intimate. In Step
Five, with its three-fold admitting, we found intimacy by sharing ourselves
and our imperfections. This intimate communication with our Higher Power
freed us. In telling do, we really enlightened ourselves about was we wanted
to change.
 
We found we were at the threshold of admitting to ourselves the
imperfections which had caused pain to us and to others. We needed to look
at us and accept the reality of our part in power struggles. We could then
recognize we would never be perfect, but could strive for progress in that
direction. We could admit to ourselves we have shortcomings without feeling
shame. In so doing, we became more real, more approachable. We could
identify with others' humanity, and they could identify with ours.
 
We were now ready for the next part of this Step. We could share "the exact
nature of our wrongs" with another human being. During the process of
working the first four Steps, we had discovered this "exact nature" rose out
of areas of unmanageability around our core issues. We had learned we were
powerless over these issues, and this knowledge freed us even more of any
remnants of shame. We could then share our imperfections with a trusted
other. 
 
Choosing the person we would share ourselves with was a very important
decision. A family member or a close relative is not a good idea. We found
it imperative for us as codependents, to choose someone with whom we felt
safe; someone we found trustworthy and caring. It also became clear it
needed to be someone who had knowledge of the Program and the purpose of
this Step.
 
Once we had chosen a dependable person, we tried to make our sharing as
honest and open as possible. In opening ourselves to another person, we were
asking more than just to be heard. It became important for us to hear what
the other shared in response to what we told them: they were able to give us
a different way of looking at ourselves. Also, in many cases, this other
person shared his or her own shortcomings, and this allowed us to recognize
at an even deeper level that we are all limited humans. It set us free of
isolation to know that at least one other person's experience was not so
different from our own. 
 
Many of us found this Step brought us a tremendous sense of relief. It took
the shame from inside and put it outside, exposing it to ourselves. Then, by
exposing it to God and another person, we could be free of it. We no longer
needed to be vulnerable to the power of shame.
 
STEP SIX
 
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
 
Having lived our lives with the belief that anything less than perfect was
to fail, this Step looks almost too simple. That is what we have been trying
to be all of our lives - perfect! Naturally, we are ready to have these
character defects removed! But it is not until we have gone through the
prior Steps we understand that wanting, or even wishing, to have these
defects removed does not automatically make us ready. 
 
We know these flaws were deeply ingrained patterns which were very much a
part of us. What was harder to understand was that we were very comfortable
with these behaviors and beliefs. They had been our means of survival as
children, but at this point in our lives, they caused much harm to ourselves
and to others. They were literally that part of us which helped us adjust to
not being valued for just being us. So, even though intellectually we
believed ourselves to be "entirely ready", it was not until these coping
mechanisms caused us excessive misery that we were ready to think of giving
them up. 
 
Are we ready, for instance, to give up being in control just because we have
come to understand it is harmful? Control had become the most dominant issue
in our lives. We had to be in control of our own and others' behaviors. This
was related to our willpower, lack of feelings, fear of losing control,
trust, spontaneity, and expectations. We have felt we did control these
issues - we had to control them! It was very hard to learn life cannot be
controlled. Suffering was the teacher who taught that lesson which pointed
the way to give up the need to be in control - to let go. 
 
Can we become ready to relinquish the unrealistic expectations of self and
others which is brought about by perfectionism? This can be one of the most
easily denied attitudes we have. We have come to understand this flaw grows
out of our issue of self-esteem - that self-esteem which has been damaged by
the painful process of shaming. We have felt shamed because we were told, or
it was implied, we were defective, bad, inadequate, or as failure. It was
not that we did something wrong - it was that we were something wrong or
bad. So, our codependent self (our false self) pretends to be perfect. We
cannot tell anyone about our shame because we cannot correct it no matter
what we do. So, we keep it to ourselves and pretend we are perfect and so
are those we are in the relationship with. We only become ready to give this
up when it causes us chronic unhappiness. When we can, indeed, begin to see
the truth - that we are all fallible humans created this way by God who
loves us as we are - then we can be ready to have this obsession to be
perfect taken away. 
 
When do we become ready to act in a moderate way; to take care of our needs
and wants (when we figure out what they are), and own our own emotions,
thoughts, and behavior. Perhaps, when the depression, brought about by the
many addictive relationships we have been in, has brought us to our knees.
Or when headaches completely incapacitated us time and time again as a
result of unexpressed feelings. Or when these suppressed feelings, in some
of us, developed in our bodies as terminal cancer. It was for many of us the
realization that we have no real awareness of life in ourselves, in others,
and in the world around us which made us entirely ready. 
 
In this process of becoming ready, another ingredient is our old friend
humility. We found we must grow some more in humility to have these defects
removed. We had to give up our egos! We had to let go of control and our
will, and truly seek God's will for us. Another way of saying this is that
we must begin to listen to our intuition for direction instead of our heads.
We need to truly hear the voice of our inner child. Doing this helped to
blot out the conscious thoughts and rationalizations of our mind which
filled us with shoulds, oughts, and wants! We had to listen inwardly for
God's guidance.
 
There were those who would reason: "God would give us the guidance if we
truly listened for it, but we had to do the footwork." We were expected to
work on these defects! After all, had not all society taught us from birth
we needed to improve ourselves. We were the ones who had to say "no" to
ourselves after we were thoroughly trained by others that it was our
responsibility. So, we were the ones who must do this work. It made sense to
us!
 
The real trick proved to be if we were willing to make a commitment to let
God direct our lives, or if we were going to continue to be in charge as
before we started to work these Twelve Steps in our lives. We learned it
took humankind to develop defects, but only God could remove them. The way
to learn what God had in mind for us was to become ready and then to see God
remove those things God no longer wishes us to do. We found the defects
which were removed to be those things which were harmful to us or to others.
 
 
STEP SEVEN
                
Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
 
This step specifically addresses itself to humility. It is a quality which
has come up over and over again in the preceding steps, and we may think by
now we have acquired quite enough humility, thank you!  Like so many others
in this work, we had thought of humility as depreciating our worth, taking
away whatever self-confidence we had, or groveling before others. We had
confused humility with humiliation. But, as we began to practice the Program
and to listen and learn from others, we finally began to hear how others
learned true humility from being humiliated over and over again when their
survival tactics failed on a continuing basis. We identified! It was that
failure to control people, places, situations, and ourselves which
eventually brought us to a point of acceptance. We had become very tired of
beating our heads against the proverbial wall and coming away bruised and
bloody - we finally stopped. It became easier to accept things as they are
when we can't change them, and to seek God's help to change the things we
can. Humility had become something to be sought after and not shunned - a
quality which brings us true happiness. Being humble is really nothing more
than the truth: we can't and God can!
 
The basic ingredient of humility is a desire to seek and know God's will for
us. So, developing a genuine reliance on God and putting aside self-reliance
was something to be desired. This Seventh Step suggest we humbly ask God to
remove these short-comings, not us! It became the experience of those who
thoroughly worked this Step that they humbly asked for their shortcomings to
be removed and accepted what happened as God's intent.
 
What are these shortcomings which we speak of in this Step? They are those
attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors which are the result of the defects caused
in us by the abuse which we received in the family of origin. It was there
we learned only those rules which taught us how to harm ourselves and, as a
result, harm others instead of receiving the freedom and nurturing which
taught us what was beneficial to us and others.
 
As we have progressed this far in these Steps and have placed our lives in
God's hands, our wills are in God's care. So, we begin to trust our wills to
tell us what to do. We asked God to remove these shortcomings and humbly
trusted God's action upon them. We began timidly, at first, to trust our
intuitions rather than mistrust that which had been pounded into us by
family and society. It was very difficult to move away from timidity in this
area because of the long-established habit of denying our intuition. We had
to trust in ourselves.
 
Many of us had discovered our intuition is our inner child, and one of our
greatest shortcomings was our inability to hear that inner child. We came to
the realization God spoke directions for our lives through our inner child
and these directions were perfect. These intuitions came through our
feelings. We had been born with a perfect set of feelings, but had learned
early and well that to survive in our dysfunctional family systems, we had
to deny, ignore, or escape these feelings. We'd learned to shut off that
little voice which told us how we felt and what we should be doing for
ourselves. As we ignored that voice and those feelings, we began doing things
which were harmful to us and others and became incapable of doing things
which would be beneficial for us and others.
 
Now, reaching this point in our recovery and working these Steps, we began
to understand that for as many days as it took us to arrive at this point -
ready to have God remove these shortcomings - it may take that many days,
humbly asking God to do so, for those changes to take place. It is a process
- a process of allowing God to break the old bonds of destructive thinking
and help us begin to trust our feelings which are our contact with that God
who creates the way we feel. We will come to know the intuitions of our
inner child are God's instructions to us and we may act on them without fear.