FROM THE ADULT CHILDREN EDUCATIONAL FOUNDATION
                  COMPUTER BULLETIN BOARD - (703) 821-2925
 
                       CO-DEPENDENTS ANONYMOUS (CODA)
                       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PREAMBLE
 
Co-Dependents Anonymous (CODA) is a fellowship of men and women whose 
common problem is an inability to maintain functional relationships.
 
We share with one another in the hopes of solving our common problem and 
helping others to recover. The only requirement for membership is a desire 
for healthy and fulfilling relationships with others and ourselves.
 
CODA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization or 
institution; does not wish to engage in any controversy; neither endorses 
nor opposes any causes. We rely upon the wisdom, knowledge, Twelve Steps, 
and Twelve Traditions as adopted for our purpose from Alcoholics Anonymous 
as the principles of our program and guides to living healthy lives. 
Although separate entities, we should always cooperate with all Twelve Step 
recovery programs.
 
WELCOME
 
We welcome you to Co-Dependents Anonymous - a program of recovery from co-
dependency where each of us may share our experience, strength, and hope in 
our efforts to find freedom where there has been bondage and peace where 
there has been turmoil in our relationships with others and ourselves.
 
Most of us have been searching for ways to overcome the dilemmas of the 
conflicts in our relationships and our childhoods. Many of us were raised in 
families where addictions existed - some of us were not. In either case, we 
have found in each of our lives that co-dependency is a most deeply rooted 
compulsive behavior and that it is born out of our sometimes moderately, 
sometimes extremely dysfunctional family systems.
 
We have each experienced in our own ways the painful trauma of the emptiness 
of our childhood and relationships throughout our lives. We attempted to use 
others, our mates, our friends, and even our children as our sole source of 
identity, value, and well-being and as a way of trying to restore within us 
the emotional losses from our childhoods. Our histories may include other 
powerful addictions, which at times, we have used to cope with our co-
dependency.
 
We have all learned to survive life, but in CODA we are learning to live 
life. Through applying the Twelve Steps and principles found in CODA to our 
daily life and relationships, both present and past, we can experience a new 
freedom from our self-defeating lifestyles. It is an individual growth 
process. Each of us is growing at our own pace and will continue to do so as 
we remain open to God's will for us on a daily basis. Our sharing is our way 
of identification and helps us to free the emotional bonds of our past and 
the compulsive control of or present.
 
No matter how traumatic your past or despairing your present may seem, there 
is hope for a new day in the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous. No longer 
do you need to rely upon others as a power greater than yourself. May you 
instead find here a new strength within to be that which God intended - 
Precious and Free!
 
THE TWELVE STEPS OF CO-DEPENDENTS ANONYMOUS
 
1. We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become 
unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to 
sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as 
we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact 
nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends 
to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so 
would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly 
admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact 
with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us 
and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried 
to carry this message to other co-dependents, and to practice these 
principles in all our affairs.
 
THE TWELVE TRADITIONS OF CO-DEPENDENTS ANONYMOUS
 
1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon CODA 
unity.
2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority - a loving God 
as he may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but 
trusted servants; they do not govern.
3. The only requirement for membership in CODA is a desire for healthy and 
loving relationships.
4. Each group should remain autonomous except in matters affecting other 
groups or CODA as a whole.
5. Each group has but one primary purpose - to carry its message to other 
co-dependents who still suffer.
6. A CODA group ought never endorses, finance or lend the CODA name to any 
related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and 
prestige divert us from our primary spiritual aim.
7. Every CODA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside 
contributions.
8. Co-Dependents Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our 
service centers may employ special workers.
9. CODA, as such, ought never to be organized; but we may create service 
boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.
10. CODA has no opinion on outside issues; hence the CODA name ought never 
be drawn into public controversy.
11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than 
promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, 
radio, and films.
12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever 
reminding us to place principles before personalities.
 
THE TWELVE STEPS OF YESTERDAY*
 
1. I believed I could control my using, or that I could control others, and 
that I was the master of my own life.
2. I believed that I was all powerful, the center of the universe, and that 
I was sane and rational in every respect.
3. I decided to run my own life, and expected my will to be carried out at 
all times.
4. I made a thorough and searching moral inventory of everyone else and 
found them lacking.
5. I admitted to no one, including myself, that there was anything wrong 
with me.
6. I sought through alcohol, drugs, or other people to remove all my 
responsibility and to escape the responsibility that is life.
7. I got loaded or became more compulsive to remove these shortcomings and 
keep me from feeling.
8. I made a list of all persons who had harmed me, whether real or imagined, 
and swore to get even.
9. I got even whenever possible, except when to do so would further injure 
me.
10. I continued to find fault with the world and the people in it and swore 
I was always right.
11. I sought through my addictions to chemicals, to pain, to other people to 
improve or protect myself at their expense, seeking only relief from my pain 
in whatever ways possible.
12. Having had a complete moral, physical, emotional, spiritual and 
financial breakdown as the result of this kind of thinking and living, I 
tried to drag everyone around me to my level, and practice these principles 
in all my affairs.
 
(*Modified from Juneau AK Intergroup)
 
WHAT IS CO-DEPENDENCY?
 
1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
3. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving 
your problems or relieving your pain.
4. My mental attention is focused on pleasing you.
5. My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
6. My mental attention is focused on manipulating you. (To do it my way).
7. My self esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
8. My self esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
9. My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your 
interests and hobbies.
10. Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires as I 
feel you are a reflection of me.
11. Your behavior is dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection 
of me.
12. I am not aware of how I feel, I am aware of how you feel.
13. I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I 
assume.
14. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
15. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
16. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.
17. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
18. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
19. I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
20. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
21. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.
 
WHAT IS CO-DEPENDENCY?*
 
1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval by you; your 
struggles affect my serenity.
3. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your 
pain.
4. My mental attention is focused on pleasing you.
5. My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to "do it my way."
6. My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
7. My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your 
interests and hobbies.
8. Your clothing and personal appearance is dictated by my desires as I feel 
you are a reflection of me.
9. Your behavior is dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of 
me.
10. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel, I am not aware 
of what I want; I ask what you want. If I am not aware, I assume.
11. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
12. My fear of rejection determines what I say and do.
13. My fear of your anger determines what I say and do.
14. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
15. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
16. I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
17. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
18. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.
 
(*ACOA - Seattle, Washington)
 
TYPICAL CHARACTERISTICS OF CO-DEPENDENTS
 
1. We assume responsibility for other's feelings and/or behavior.
2. We feel overly responsible for other's feelings and/or behaviors.
3. We have difficulty in identifying feelings -- Am I angry? Lonely? Sad? 
Happy? Joyful?
4. We have difficulty expressing feelings -- I am feeling...happy, sad, 
hurt, joyful.
5. We tend to fear and/or worry how other's may respond to our feelings.
6. We have difficulty in forming and/or maintaining close relationships.
7. We are afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others.
8. We are perfectionistic and place too many expectations on ourselves and 
others.
9. We have difficulty making decisions.
10. We tend to minimize, alter or even deny the truth about how we feel.
11. Other peoples actions and attitudes tend to determine how we 
respond/react.
12. We tend to put other peoples' wants and needs first.
13. Our fear of others feelings (anger) determines what we say and do.
14. We question or ignore our own values to connect with significant others. 
We value others opinions more than our own.
15. Our self-esteem is bolstered by outer-other influences. We can not 
acknowledge good things about ourselves.
16. Our serenity and mental attention is determined by how others are 
feeling and/or behaving.
17. We tend to judge everything we do, think, or say harshly, by someone 
else's standards -- Nothing is done, said or though "good enough".
18. We do not know or believe that being vulnerable and asking for help is 
both okay and normal.
19 We do not know that it is okay to talk about problems outside the family; 
or that feelings just are -- and it is better to share them than to deny, 
minimize or justify them.
20. We tend to put other people's wants and needs before our own.
21. We are steadfastly loyal - even when the loyalty is unjustified - and 
often even personally harmful.
22. We have to be 'needed' in order to have a relationship with others.
 
SIGNS OF UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES
 
1. Telling all.
2. Talking at an intimate level at the first meeting.
3. Falling in love with a new acquaintance.
4. Falling in love with anyone who reaches out.
5. Being overwhelmed by a person - preoccupied.
6. Acting on the first sexual impulse.
7. Being sexual for your partner, not yourself.
8. Going against personal values or rights to please others.
9. Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries.
10. Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries.
11. Accepting food, gifts, touch, or sex that you don't want.
12. Touching a person without asking.
13. Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting.
14. Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving.
15. Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.
16. Letting others direct your life.
17. Letting others describe your reality.
18. Letting others define you.
19. Believing others can anticipate your needs.
20. Expecting others to fill your needs automatically.
21. Falling apart so someone will take care of you.
22. Self-abuse.
23. Sexual and physical abuse.
24. Food and chemical abuse.
 
AFFIRMATIONS
 
1. Just for today I will respect my own and other's boundaries.
2. Just for today I will be vulnerable with someone I trust.
3. Just for today I will take one compliment and hold it in my heart for 
more than just a fleeting moment. I will let it nuture me.
4. Just for today I will act in a way that I would admire in someone else.
5. I am a child of God.
6. I am a precious person.
7. I am a worthwhile person.
8. I am beautiful inside and outside.
9. I love myself unconditionally.
10. I have ample leisure time without feeling guilty.
11. I deserve to be loved by myself and by others.
12. I am loved because I deserve love.
13. I am a child of God and I deserve love, peace, prosperity and serenity.
14. I forgive myself for hurting myself and others.
15. I forgive myself for letting others hurt me.
16. I forgive myself for accepting sex when I wanted love.
17. I am willing to accept love.
18. I am not alone, I am one with God and the universe.
19. I am whole and good.
20. I am capable of changing.
21. The pain that I might feel by remembering can't be any worse than the 
pain I feel by knowing and not remembering.